Ryan's Junk Drawer

How is it Thursday already? I can hear you now: "It's Thursday because yesterday was Wednesday. A-duh. Didn't your mother ever teach you how to use a calendar? You must be kind of stupid, Ryan." Well, call me old fashioned, but I still believe that telling time is a sin, so I hope all you fancy clockwatching daycounters enjoy your time in hell. Here's what I do know. I know that Thursdays are the days we look at my junk. No, not like a trip to the "special doctor's office." By my "junk" I mean movie tidbits that aren't big enough to warrant their own blog post. We begin each week by looking at the creepy image of a junk drawer that was captured from the nightmare of a child and reprinted in Highlights Magazine (FOR CHILDREN). We select one item from above and make a wacky story about it, because doing so amuses me (and probably no one else). Today's item is the green and red thing in the lower right corner. On the one hand, when Carlos invented the world's first pancreas grown entirely from algae, he was elated. It meant that all those years combining peg fetuses with swamp water wasn't just wasted time. On the other hand, if it could be transplanted into a human, it would likely mean that his mother-in-law would live. Carlos did what anyone would do: He put the pulsating green human/plant organ back into his junk drawer, never to mention his accomplishment to anyone.

Okay, enough weirdness, we have a great show for you tonight, Jay-Z is here, so stick around and we'll be right back.

Here are the top five minor news stories right now:

1.) Muppets + "Lost" = (Sound of Ryan's head popping like a Capri Sun that's improperly poked with a straw) - So...by now you know all about my "Muppet boner," which is maybe the most disgusting and inappropriate way to mention how much I adore the fuzzy creations of Jim Henson that are part nightmare and part pure joy. You also know that my passion for "Lost" may exceed my passion for 99% of humans on this big blue ball. Well if you combine the two, you pretty much just guaranteed I'm not going to get much else done. What you see before you is the merging of two worlds that I can only hope continues. I can only hope that next week I'm showing you a video of Spider-man's guest appearance on "Community" or Evangeline Lilly's surprise cameo in my house. It's rare that things I love merge, so look upon this union of things that are awesome and rejoice.



2.) Mark Millar: Professional Bullshitter - If Mark Millar ever tires of writing comics, he can successfully enter the world of politics, having told yet another in a series of lies that are designed to make him look good. He's like a guy trying to pick up a girl at a bar by telling her he's an astronaut...only it's never closing time and he'll sleep with ANYONE. A recent press release,
which you can see at Forces of Geek, states that Kick Ass 2: Balls to the Wall is going to start filming in 2011 for a 2012 release. Sigh, I don't know why I even acknowledge this, but let's quickly deconstruct this so I can go back to thinking about Muppets. (1) - Matthew Vaughn, director of the very incredible Kick Ass, just signed to direct a movie within the next year called X-Men First Class. He's going to be a little busy into 2011. (2) - Christopher Mintz-Plasse, McLovin', is pivotal to the second film (if you've seen the first, you know why). His official Twitter count basically said that Millar is spewing bullshit....again. (3) - Even though I loved the movie, as clear a sign that I can separate the art from the artist if I've ever done it, it wasn't a huge hit. It was a modest hit. I'm guessing if it does well in DVD/Blu-Ray sales, that will be taken into consideration. Plus, I'm guessing you can do the sequel pretty cheap. I don't doubt everyone is INTERESTED in doing this, but it isn't a sure thing yet. In other words, sell your booze-laced, cologne-infused pick-up lines for some other floozy, Millar. This one's not biting.

3.) Dark Tower is finally coming! Booooooo - Even though people have wanted to see Stephen King's "Dark Tower" series is among the most beloved of the author's works, not one of them should be happy about the news that a movie is finally happening. Why? Because the people who now own the rights are Brian Grazer...and Ron Howard. Howard, who has been sliding from mediocrity to outright hackitude for a decade now, is talking about making a movie that would lead into a TV show. In the right hands, I'd say "this is how the material should be handled." In Howard's hand, I say "ruh-roh, Raggy." You just know he's going to invite crapmaster Akiva Goldsman in to write the thing. His writing is so wretched, so irredeemably awful that we'd be best lighting our minds on fire as an alternative to watching something he wrote. Let's just agree to read some books and pretend that this bit of news never happened, mkay?

4.) Emma Stone all the time - News regarding Emma Stone has been coming fast and furious lately. Good. Ever since I saw her in Superbad I knew she would be superhuge. She's got this great gravel voice, kind of looks like an anime girl would look in real life (seriously, her eyes are half of her face), and she has a personality that, goshdurnit, is just infectious.

It's funny that this next bit of news pairs her with Catherine Keener, who has a lot of those same traits (other than the whole anime thing). Keener is, to me, the actress almost all young starlets should pattern their career after. She makes big hits, little indie gems, and is always awesome. The two of them are not going to appear in a film together. But they've both agreed to voice characters in The Croods, another Dreamworks animated film. Unlike some of the other minor works from the studio, this caveman comedy is based on a screenplay in part developed by John Cleese, who white people know from Monty Python (in one of the funniest conversations I've ever heard, a non-white friend of mine mentioned that any time a white dude said something that made another white dude laugh but my friend couldn't understand why, it was always a Monty Python reference). Nicholas Cage and Ryan Reynolds are also voices in there, but Stone's voice will stand out. She's got a perfect voice for such things. Love.

5.) Trailers, Parked - We've got a raunchy killer, a cool killer, and a killer tire for you this week.

First up...what has been dubbed the "illegal" Machete trailer. You remember that this is the movie that sprang from Grindhouse's fake trailer. It has a ton of people in it that are moderately famous (and DeNiro, who just used to be famous), and has a story that gives the middle finger to Arizona's immigration practices before they were even real. Wrap your mind grapes around that one. This one has naughty language in it, but if you're clicking on the trailer for a movie called Machete, you had to kind of figure, right?



George Clooney as an assassin? I could explain The American more than that, but I don't think I have to. Here's the trailer.


This is a movie about a killer tire with mental powers. It's called Rubber and it will now be your new obsession. Yes it's real. Yes it's a killer tire. Enjoy, America.



Okay, that's it for my weekly junk. You can now feel free to move about the cabin.

Ryan's Junk Drawer

Please imagine me with my legs delicately crossed, sipping what you believe to be hot cocoa but what is really straight, rot-gut moonshine out of an irreverent mug of some kind, sitting in front of a roaring fire made of copies of Hannah Montana on DVD. That has nothing to do with me telling you about the items in my "junk drawer" that are worth noting but not worth their own post, but it's how I like you to think of me.

Here are the top 5 stories I cared about...but not that much.

1.) Like a bad actor in a Shakespeare play, Blockbuster continues its melodramatic death - Hey, apparently this thing called Netflix is catching on and Blockbuster is sucking it because of it. THR is reporting that 960 stores (likely one that you visit frequently) are closing. That's about 20%. Redbox is the new model for on-the-spot renting for those not ambitious or skilled enough to use Pay-Per-View on their cable boxes, and Blockbuster will likely follow suit. I personally hate this, as I like walking into a video store, strolling around, picking up things that may interest me, and then selecting something. I like the experience. Then again, what do I know, I delicately cross my legs. If it were me, I would work on making a reason to go to the stores or Blockbuster won't exist at all anymore. It's time to redesign their model, and the kiosk thing like Redbox sounds good, but won't last long either. I'd try to make renting a more fun experience somehow. Don't ask me how, I don't work for you.

2.) This movie comes with free hubris - Kick Ass hasn't come out yet. I don't even mean the frakkin' movie, I mean the end of the comic book. The movie is going to beat the comic to the stores at this rate. Ugh. Anyway, Mark Millar, writer of the comic book and influential player in the film adaptation, is known for running his mouth like his tongue was Usain Bolt. He supposedly mentioned that a teaser for the sequel is going to appear at the end of the first film...and that the same teaser is going to pay off the first run of the comic series. So...if I'm reading this right, he's saying that they have plans for a sequel to a comic book series that isn't finished and a movie that isn't out yet. It's incredible that this guy can sit with nuts that big. I'm hopeful for the film, hell it has a John Romita Jr animated sequence in it. Most of you don't know what that means, but that's like the single greatest phrase ever to me. Still...wowza, this guy is sure convinced he rules. It reminds me of this one time I met him. You have to understand he has this thick Scottish accent. So I'm at the Chicago Comic Con (shut up) and I'm going through a line of primarily artists having them sketch something for me in my book (really, shut up). I get to Millar and I skip him because he's, you know, a writer. He grabs my book and says "Don't want ME to draw I see? You want a f**king Wolverine? I'll draw a f**king Wolverine." And he did. And it was good. It was quite funny and he was very, very nice...but that kind of shows his stones, don't it?

3.) Stormtrooper's Lament - I'm going to let this one speak for itself. Sure, it's kind of twisted, but I hope that 8 years later we've reached a point where we can use ridiculous sci-fi analogies to laugh at tragedy. If not, I didn't make the damn thing. Don't look at me.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

God, that's funny.

4.) Lincoln's got a case of the creepys - This trailer is for what could be the next Blair Witch, low-budget horror phenomenon. It looks pretty creepy, and what's awesome is that Lincoln is one of the places that's listed as getting the film early! How cool is that! So, watch it, get a little creeped out, and check out our review down the road.





5.) These people love us - Perhaps the best story of the week that's only worth minor mention because it's likely not going to happen: People are trying to stop the release of Love Happens, claiming somebody jacked their screenplay. I have not read their case, I do not have any information as to what actually happened, and I'm convinced they are right...mostly because they're asking for an injunction to stop the film's release. If they win, all of humanity is saved...so, I hope the judge does the right thing.

That's my junk for the week, gang. See you tomorrow to mop up before the weekend.