Slow News Day (Volume One) - The Twi-kids are riiiiiiiich

First off, some housekeeping: I'm going to my cousin's wedding on Friday, so no bloggity blog blog for you that day. Second, today's news is all lame. Everyone must be on summer vacation because nobody is doing anything of value to write about at this point and time. Lo siento, but I can't just make up the news. I'm not Fox. Third, my bug bites that I got for celebrating our country throwing off the shackles of British colonialism really itch. That doesn't really have so much to do with anything, but they do and I wanted to share.

Moving on, as you know, I have begun softening my stance on one Ms. Kristen Stewart.
While everyone else wants to blast her surly, aloof demeanor and reticence to fully invest her heart into the Twilight saga, I have grown to think she's (A) absolutely gorgeous, (B) kind of funny, and (C) staying true to herself while raking in about a bazillion dollars. Case in point, news broke yesterday that the three leads are going to pocket between 25-41 million dollars for making Breaking Dawn (or, as I like to call it, Just You Wait and See How Crazy That Stephanie Meyer Loony REALLY Is). That's professional athlete money we're talking about there. This is in contrast to the unknown Andrew Garfield, who will play the new Spider-man for $500,000. I know, I know, it's hard to weep for a man making half a million to dress up like I would be willing to do for free, but still, we live in a world where repeating brain-dead dialogue while lusting after a dog and a shiny vampire gets you nearly $50 mil and playing the greatest hero of all time gets you what Stewart pays for her weed in a year. I can't stand Robert McHomelesslooking and Tayler Tinynips doesn't seem to have any talent whatsoever. Just like I feel like we'll be seeing more of Emma Watson after Harry Potter is finally over, I feel like Stewart is going to have a nice long career. She's not going to have to now that she could just buy Lichtenstein and smoke all of the weed all day with that kind of money, but if she wants to be a successful and respected actress, I think she can be. See, I said something nice about Twilight in a way. Sure, it was about the one you all hate, but take small victories.

Ryan's Junk Drawer

Hello, hello, hello! Welcome back to the wacky world of my junk. Once more with feeling, this is the weekly column in which I jam pack a whole bunch of tiny tidbits that don't warrant their own entire blog entry. Think of it like a bucket for leftover pocket change, only I actually do something with the extra dough, it's not mostly GD pennies, and there's nary a button or stick of gum to be found. Also, the creepy image above, which is from Highlights Magazine for Children, is studied every week, as I come up with some disturbing take on the image, because we all know that's John Wayne Gacy's hand. Today's take involves the strangely disappearing hand. Just as entropy was consuming the universe thanks to that proton collider which was guaranteed not to rip open a hole in reality, Gary remembered where he kept his lucky rabbit's foot. Were it not for the end of all that is finally disintegrating the world behind him, he would have grabbed it, too. Sad.

Now on to the weekly news nuggets too scrawny to make the big leagues. Grab a hold of something...here comes my junk.

1.) Just FYI, if Robert Pattinson plays Spider-man, I'm blowing up earth - The only reason I haven't included the rumor that Pattinson is up for the role of Peter Parker in a huge ranting blog post despite hearing it from multiple sources is because I refuse to even entertain it. If that bushy eyebrowed, half-wit, homeless-looking, talentless, pasty, British object of 40-year-old-women-who-love-cats-and-13-year-old-girls-who-don't-understand-statutory-rape is cast as the greatest superhero of all time (yeah, I'll fight you on that one too if you disagree), I will straight up find a way to nuclear proliferate my own home and end this world as we know it. This is not an idle threat, this is the threat of a man with a billion comics, an undying love for the character of Spidey, and the means to create a geek army to do his bidding (right...right, guys?). I don't care that f**king Marc Webb may ride his medicore 500 Days of Summer into the director's role in order to deliver a f**king teeny-pop take on the iconic superhero. I don't care that they'll probably have music from the f**king Jonas Brothers. Okay, I do care about all of that, but I care mostly about not having the disheveled walking corpse, the greasy hack that is Pattinson as my favorite character. You could say it downright bothers me.



2.) So long as the fifth brother is an animal... - I could watch Andy Sandberg's Mark Wahlberg talking to animals for about 2 weeks, maybe more. Each and every "how's it goin' chicken?" sends me into fits of hysteria. So,with THR reporting that Wahlberg has engineered a sequel to the little-seen but somehow still slightly enjoyed Four Brothers (the movie that made Andre 3000 think he should do movies instead of providing more insanely groovy music) is getting a sequel. It will be called Five Brothers but would get a bigger audience if it was Four Brothers and a Goat. I would see the latter movie 10 times in the theater. There's really no word on a plot, but that's not all that surprising given that it's a sequel. No director is set to attach, but John Singleton will probably return because he's not exactly busy at this point. He was set to direct The A-Team for forever, so I can imagine he's in a world of pain right now after seeing the trailer. Oh, his take on it might have sucked more, but there's no denying his BA Baracas wouldn't be the ridiculous biscuits that Rampage Jackson appears to be. Oh, and I wasn't going to leave you hanging. Enjoy.



3.) If Pixar made toilet paper, it would be the best toilet paper ever - Few studios have done no wrong...actually, I think it's just Pixar to be honest. One of the more interesting developments at the studio is the upcoming John Carter of Mars. The reason? It's not an animated film...well, at least not entirely. According to one line over at THR, "The movie will be a hybrid of live action and CGI." Whether or not this is 100% accurate, the prospect of Pixar doing adult fare (with real people in it or not) is about as exciting as you can get, because their kids movies are more fulfilling and satisfying for adults than most adult movies. The movie follows John Carter (to be played by "Friday Night Lights" hubba-hubba hunk Taylor Kitsch), who is a Civil War vet who winds up transported to Mars, where he fights in another war...so dude can't catch a break. The cast now includes Lynn Collins, Willem Dafoe, Samantha Morton, Polly Walker (rejoice Polly Walker fans...who's Polly Walker again?), and most recently added, Emmy Award winner Bryan Cranston from "Breaking Bad" (who is likely thrilled that is now his reference point instead of "Malcom in the Middle"). I can't say for sure that this is going to be the live-action hybrid promised, but I don't care. I'm so ready to see what Pixar does by branching out that I feel the exact opposite as when I think about Robert Pattinson as Peter Parker.

4.) Daniel Craig desires Downey Jr.'s sloppy seconds - Cowboys and Aliens is a project so obviously Hollywood that it's insane that it has taken over 10 years for the film version to get this far. The latest setback is Robert Downey Jr stepping away from the project, presumably to count his Iron Man and Sherlock Holmes money (you could really argue that RDJ is getting into that rarified Will Smith/Hugh Jackman/George Clooney movie-star range again...and good for him). The replacement may be somewhat disappointing, not from an acting standpoint (that's assuming that they're going to be acting in Cowboys and Aliens), but what it means about the other project this replacement cowboy would not be shooting. Confused? It's Daniel Craig. If he becomes a cowboy this summer, as Collider is suggesting, he will not be shooting Bond 23 this summer. I've been salivating for this next Bond film, given how much I've loved the revamp (yes, even Quantum of Solace, asshats). This third film should payoff with a fight against the big bad guys and it's written by the playwright behind Frost/Nixon. God, I want it so bad it hurts me. Still, with MGM (007's studio) suckin' tail right now, chances are Craig will be donning a cowboy hat before a tux.

5.) Trailer's parked - This week has a few interesting trailers, the first two being new takes on movies we've already seen trailers from and the last being a Kevin Costner movie...I know.

A-Team - The preview is pretty much what you'd expect, although I've begun hearing about some discontent on the set, including some Sharlto Copeley concerns...which sucks. I say "pretty much" what you'd expect, because it goes full-retard in the last minute. The tank thing...shudder.



Kick-Ass - Hands down one of my most anticipated films for this next year, the buzz among people I follow who have seen it is absolutely incredible. This trailer shows why. I'm super amped.



Company Men - Finally, the weirdest of the bunch. A downsizing drama (with a weird, weird trailer) featuring Chris Cooper (YAY!), Tommy Lee Jones (YAY!), Maria Bello (YAY!), Ben Affleck (okay), and Kevin Costner (wait a minute...). It looks all poignant and shit, which means it could actually be touching or could be touching in a bad touch way. Not sure.

That's almost too much junk to handle, so try to take it all in and I'll see you tomorrow.

Ryan's Junk Drawer

Hello...is it me (junk) you're looking for? I can see it in your eyes. That opening is obviously brought to you by Lionel Ritchie, one of many singers to get famous for a song that sounds like it glorifies stalking. Seriously, if that song went on for another minute, it would end with lines like "I'm wearing your skin as my face." It's creepy. Speaking of creepy, as you likely know by now (if you know me at all), Thursday is the day I sort through all the itty bitty news that didn't grow up into a full blog post and dump into my imaginary "junk drawer." I then go around on twitter and facebook making jokes about my junk. I'm apparently 12. Also, I usually start with a peek into what I believe is shown in the clearly demonic illustration above that I took from "Highlights" magazine. Today's item is Kermit the Frog's detached larynx in the upper right corner! Looks like someone finally had enough John Denver duets. By the way, The Muppet Christmas Carol is the best adaptation of "A Christmas Carol" ever. Discuss. Feel free to incorporate how it's called a carol but nobody sings.

Moving onward and upward, here's the top 5 news stories that wanted to get their own posts but have to learn that life is full of disappointment.

1.) Space lies, part 743 - I've made a whole bunch of comments in the past about the possibility, probability, and potential of a new Star Wars movie. In short, it certainly could happen, but probably not soon and I want one to redeem the series. I've said it before and I'll say it again, if someone other than Lucas gets his/her hands on the material, the ship can be righted. The latest total rumor that is so proposterous I feel like a ninny (yeah, I said ninny) even repeating it comes from Thomas Dolby, who is responsible for this:



On his blog Dolby revealed conversations he's had with Paul Sebastien of Lucasarts. When recapping what the friends had discussed (besides eyesight loss due to technological advancements), Dolby let loose the statement that there may be a new Star Wars movie in the works, in addition to the live-action TV show and more video games. Now, if you can't take the word of a synth-pop 80s rocker repeating second-hand information from a guy who works for Lucas, who can you trust?

2.) Bigger suck - IMAX made The Dark Knight better for me. IMAX may be the reason Avatar is palatable. IMAX is not going to make Twilight better. That isn't stopping them from making Twilight: Eclipse into an IMAX endeavor. Oh, sure, will you be able to see every pore on Kristen Stewart's bored, dispassionate face. You'll be able to count every one of Robert Pattinson's intentionally misplaced hairs. You'll be able to examine each of Tayler Lautner's 17 ab muscles (he had a few transplanted). It won't make any of it better, but it will be bigger. Just pray that they don't go 3D, as I can't stand the thought of Pattinson hair flopping at me. Or smell-o-vision. Don't do that either. Stewart smells like burning hair and Pattinson smells like dead hamster...oddly enough, Lautner smells like cinnamon.

3.) A Wachowski says "what?" - Huge shockwaves were sent (in my pants) when I heard from Slashfilm that the Wachowskis were making a "futuristic war movie" that had gotten all the way to production withouth any scrutiny. Who broke the story? Arianna Huffington. Seriously. The intriguingly accented lady even posted a shot of her "on set" in front of a green screen. Supposedly it had something to do with "Iraq from the prospective of the future," which makes as much sense as anything, I suppose. Then along comes Devin from Chud.com to say "nope, total bullshit." Basically, Devin says that the Wachowskis are in the process of TESTING for their next film. So, really, it sounds like splitting hairs as the difference here seems to be that they aren't ALREADY shooting a futuristic war movie we haven't heard of but they're ABOUT to shoot a futuristic war movie we haven't heard of. Also, apparently this may have something to do with the book "Cloud Atlas," which sounds crazy. Most notably, that sourceless wiki I just linked to suggests Tom Twyker is attached to write....weirdness. So, Arianna Huffington may or may not be starring in a futuristic movie which may or may not be based on a book and Tom Twyker may or may not be adapting it. Sweet.

4.) Where's the evil brooms? I miss the evil brooms. - What do you do with a live-action adaptation of a segment from Fantasia starring Nic Cage in what may be his most ridiculous hair ever (yeah, we're talking beyond Con Air here)? I mean, it looks sort of weirdly fun, but it also looks batshit crazy...and where is the loyalty to the original story? I mean, the main villain should be tyrannical brooms rising up against their master. It was an allegory for the subjugated worker, right? Check out what "the man" has done to the story in the trailer below:



5.) After a decade, I get closure - This is a cut from the Blu-Ray of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, so the quality ain't great and there's a bit of "behind-the-scenes" rambling preceding it...but this is the first glimpse at part one of The Deathly Hallows. I've been moderately positive with this series, which has increased in quality almost every time out, but I'm ready for the damn thing to be over. In fact, I'm really quite excited to see the finale play out on the big screen, having spent almost a third of my life with these movies. You think I'm kidding, but go back now and watch that first movie; those actors are like tiny babies. You'll feel REALLY bad about what you said regarding Hermione.


Dh Preview One - Click here for more blooper videos

Ohmygodohmygodohmygod

Vanessa, a good and incredibly intelligent friend of mine, is a Twilight fan. This information was then coupled with the following recent statement from my wife about comments I made to her whilst she was watching what I deemed to be a flaming pile of doo-doo (I believe it was Overboard): "You're a real (insert disparaging noun here) about things you don't like. What if I like them, what's so wrong with that?" I immediately went out and began furiously kicking puppies and insulting children. Yeah, I can be a jerk. I can be a big snob when it comes down to things that I don't like. I will call them stupid. I will flat-out state that I don't understand people who like them, and I will make people feel very bad for being interested in something that I'm not. Wow, I need therapy. With this in mind, I need to clarify two important things (1) I don't ACTUALLY think that people who like things I don't are mentally deficient (unless you're a fan of Nancy Grace, then you lick lead-based paint) and (2) I'm usually just trying to be funny and I don't mean anything by it. I have a closet full of comic books and have (and likely will again) played Dungeons and Dragons. I don't give what I can't take. The reason I bring this all up is...well, MTV just posted 14 seconds of the New Moon trailer (I swear, I just heard a tween chick full-on explode). I'm going to post said clip below (it premieres this weekend when the trailer runs before Bandslam, which is going to make more money than you'd think now) and I'm going to make fun of it. Vanessa, I apologize in advance. I do not think anyone who enjoys this clip below is of lesser intelligence, I simply must mock it (without malice) because it is who I am and this is what I do. Forgive me.

Movie Trailers - Movies Blog

What I've discovered is that you can have fun if you watch it with the sound off and do a voice over on your own. Read this out loud while you watch (okay, you can do it in your head too).

Her - "I'm so sad, the pale homeless guy is leaving."
Him - "Don't cry pretty stoner girl, I have hair like a lion! Plus, I can look like I'm posing for a gay biker magazine, despite only being 12 years old!"
Her - "It may look like I'm staring at your eyes, but I'm actually contemplating your nipples."

Enjoy Twilight fanz!