A few quick notes

It's Tuesday, so you know all I'm thinking about is the impending brain flambe that "Lost" is about to produce in a matter of hours. That said, a bevy of tiny tidbits broke last night, and I don't want to miss out. So...what am I waiting for? Let's do this thing!

1.) - Spider-man is finding things hard suddenly

Yep, that headline was just an excuse for me to post this. Hey, you'd do it too. Turns out that Alan Cumming is out as the Green Goblin in the Broadway version of Spider-man, which I'm convinced isn't going to ever happen. With the music of U2 and Julie Taymor directing, I thought for sure this thing would at least see the light of day, but it turns out that it is waaaaay too expensive, and delay after delay in funding means everybody is abandoning ship as though there was a Lohan driving. My hope has now gone from one day seeing Spidey live on stage in New York to praying that they at least release the U2 music as some kind of CD I can buy and listen to whilst I read Spidey comics. So long as there is some connection between U2 and Spider-man that I can physically see, hold, or listen to, I'm good.

2.) - Bond meets a trap he can't boff his way out of - MGM's bankruptcy hurts a lot of people, so it seems stupid to be complaining about this aspect. Nonetheless, my hide is chapped because Bond 23, the final part of the new trilogy, is on indefinite hold. Much like Spider-man's musical misadventures, funding for the project is tricky when your studio is so deep in the red that Glenn Beck is about to accuse it of socialism (get it, because Red was a slang term for communism, and Beck is a dipshit?). It's not like we're never going to see another 007 movie. We will. It's not like this delay will stretch out for a decade (at least, I hope not). Still, I want the new flick NOW, not later. Stupid money.

3.) Sam Jackson drops bombs of the non F variety - Sam Jackson told IESB that he's not in Thor, no matter what anyone tells you (leaving me to believe the tie-in will be Tony Stark and not Nick Fury in that one), and that shooting for The Avengers is set to begin in February. WOWZA! That's actually quite soon considering the director announcement hasn't officially been made yet, the cast is only quasi-established (we know the four principle actors in Chris Evans, Sam Jackson, Robert Downey Jr, and the guy playing Thor...yeah, I know he has a name, but I'm waiting to see if I need to learn it until after I see him in costume), and the script is under overhaul. It's an exciting time to be a Marvel fan...but it's also a bit nerve wracking. Although I have confidence in Iron Man 2...that's where my certainty ends. Everything else is a thrilling possibility but only a possibility. Stay tuned, true believers.

Web of Lies: Your new Peter Parker?

He may have a superhero name, but Logan Lerman does not inspire a great deal of confidence in me despite having been supposedly cast as Peter Parker. Mostly because it looks like he has yet to get pubes. I get going younger, but was the second choice a fetus?
Spider-man, Spider-man, does whatever a spider can...provided that isn't driving a motor vehicle, consuming alcohol, or achieving "second base." Seriously, what's going to be the big romantic story element? Will Mary Jane check "yes, no, or maybe?" BREAKING NEWS: They've just cast Mary Jane.
I know my hopes weren't high for this reboot/relaunch/total clusterf**k going in, but this has done little to assuage my fears. I know it's all rumor for now, but they're going to have to make a splash in the toilet water soon if they want to hit their LOCKED IN STONE release date. There's nothing quite like realizing that you're a whole generation and as much as a decade away from seeing your favorite character show up in the movies in a form that doesn't work like ipecac. Le sigh.

Web of Lies: Brian Michael Bendis...don't give me false hope

Latino Review noticed that "Ultimate Spider-Man" scribe Brian Michael Bendis had tweeted "Just spent a very interesting morning at Sony with the entire spidey movie team!! Very very cool stuff!!" Latino Review then proceeded to write an article in which they referred to Brian Mendes being involved with the new Spider-man reboot (not Brian BENDIS). This isn't funny to many people, but it made me chortle. I thought about some schlub who is like a distant cousin of director Sam Mendes jumping up and yelling "NOW IT'S MY TURN!!! THANK YOU GOD, IT'S MY TURN!" Look, whether or not Bendis is involved (or Mendes...teehee), this new movie will likely suck. It's probable that they just brought the comic writer in to give a few general pointers and then immediately went back to casting actors from the Twilight franchise and crapping all over a beautiful character. The things that make the Ultimate Spidey series work in the comics COULD so easily be plugged into a movie version, and Bendis IS the guy who could do a revision on the script and make Peter Parker sound like a reasonable teenager and not some emo chode who walks around whining and lusting after vapid starlets. It's probably not going to happen though. Here's what I don't get...I mean, what I don't get beyond them rebooting a billion dollar, successful franchise. I don't get why they don't just pick up Bendis's long run on the comic, choose one of the better storylines (NOT THE ORIGIN STORYLINE DAMMIT), and use the comic as a straight-up storyboard. If they did that, they'd make a good movie. So maybe that's why they don't want to. FYI: The budget of the new Spidey reboot is only $80 million. But what Bendis is known for is cramming waaaay too much of the talky talk and not enough of the action. Seriously, his shit is PERFECT for this movie. So it won't happen.

Ryan's Junk Drawer

Hey, hey, hey. Welcome to the weird and wacky world that is my junk drawer, where we collect tiny movie news tidbits that don't quite warrant their own blog post (or do, but I'm too lazy). As per usual, we begin this week by looking at the above creepy-ass image taken from Highlights for Children (CHILDREN!) magazine and making up a ridiculous backstory about something we see. Today's object is the tiny pink square in the upper left corner. Had her father not intercepted the note that Suzie was going to pass to Matt, he would have known of her undying love. In fact, the two would have begun dating in middle school, briefly gone their separate ways in high-school and early college, before once more uniting at a reunion when Matt recalled the wonderful note she had given him. But with the note now trapped inside her father's junk drawer, Suzie ended up going out with Jason, who convinced her to take up huffing paint and committing small acts of vandalism. After a stint in Juvie, Suzie emerged hardened, and stabbed a math teacher when he dared correct her on her algebra. To think, if Suzie's dad had just minded his own business, she wouldn't be doing 25 to life. Oh well!

Now, on to all the glory my junk has to offer!

1.) Alicia Silverstone is not dead - Although the world thought she had perhaps died after her last failed television pilot, as it turns out, Alicia Silverstone is alive and somewhat kicking. Not only is she willing to get bare-ass naked to prove she likes vegetables (seriously, I would put images up here, but it ain't proper, google it), she's apparently going to reunite with Clueless director Amy Heckerling. Screen Daily is reporting that the pair are reuniting for Vamps, which is another f**king vampire movie. Now, even though the description of "two young vampires in New York city" sounds dumb as all get out, my hope is that Heckerling is able to bring some of the subversive genius she dropped with Clueless, but I'm guessing that's too much to hope for at this point. Instead, we're probably dealing with just another middling entry into the ever-expanding body of vampire films. Seriously, centuries from now, when our descendants finally figure out how to operate a DVD, they're going to be very disappointed in us. Very.

2.) I will refrain from all Cruz/cruise jokes - THR reports that Penelope Cruz doesn't mind scurvy...or at least she wants to hump Johnny Depp's peg leg. Why, whatever do I mean? I mean that this lovely lass:
Is going to wear an eyepatch. Or not, She's going to appear in the next Pirates of the Caribbean movie is what's actually going to happen, but she's likely going to just be filling the corset-stuffing quota. She's an improvement over the bland Kiera Knightley, that's fo sho, but why she wants to basically play a thankless supporting role is beyond me. Oh, wait, there's that whole Johnny Depp angle. Apparently, women will do all sorts of strange things to get near him, even though he looks like he would smell like the bathroom in a French bar. I liked the first of the series, didn't mind the second, and pretty much loathed the third, so here's hoping that cutting the fat (as in the skinny Orlando Bloom and Knightley) helps.

3.) Spider-man will be in 3D, so we can see all the angles of love - The only thing Avatar really did was to make everybody want to release their movies in 3D. Between Clash of the Titans going back and 3D-ing their movie and the announcement that just about any movie that can get away with it is going to dump their flick into the 3D bin, I'm about over this whole thing. It's a gimmick. It's a gimmick that they can use to charge us a lot more money. I'm not saying I won't ever go 3D again, but it's just not what gets my motor running. So news that Spider-man's reboot is going to be 3D fills me with the same meh feeling that the rest of the news about the project has left me with. Although, I would like to point out how stupid it is to drop your budget to $80 million, return everyone to high school so you can get cheaper, younger actors, and focus more on the love story...only to do this all in 3D?! I mean, seriously? Are the lovey dovey moments going to look more impressive if we see Peter Parker's emo hair flopping in all 3 dimensions? I'm guessing the device will be used like twice in the movie, so they should pro-rate the ticket price to reflect how little of it is actually in the third dimension. Whatever.

4.) Robocop is alive...but on life support - I want to see what Darren Aronofsky does with Robocop sooooo bad. I've loved each and every one of his movies and I cannot, cannot, cannot wait to see what he would do with a cyborg cop. Don't get me wrong, he can't excite me more than he already is by pairing up Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman in a carnal sense for his upcoming Black Swan, but Robocop is a distant but respectable second place. So here's some good news/bad news, screenwriter David Self tells STYD that he and Aronofsky are STILL on the project...but that MGM has its head up its ass. They can't agree on the rating (Aronofsky wants an R, because he's not an idiot...you can't do a PG-13 Robocop, you just can't) or the whole (sigh) 3D angle (here we go again). I'm not sure if this will be worth Aronofsky's trouble, or if he can deliver the movie I want him to deliver given the constraints of stupidity he's being shackled with. That said, the dream is flickering but still burning. I can only pray...and count down the days until I see Portman and Kunis and become Portikunis.

5.) Trailers, parked - Some REALLY good ones this week y'all. I'm not even going to flap my gums too much about it.

First up is Toy Story 3, and it looks as great as you'd expect. Plus, they get a "great ascot" joke AND a wonderful chase sequence. I'm so stoked, it's like I'm 5.


Toy Story 3 Trailer #2 in HD

Trailer Park Movies | MySpace Video

Speaking of children's stuff that shouldn't excite me but I'm not a real grown-up, check out the new Last Airbender trailer. Although I am a little unclear why I haven't heard the main character SPEAK in any of the trailers (oh, please don't let him be as terrible as it appears he may be), I'm very interested in a property I had never before had any interest in whatsoever. This is your last chance, though, Shyamalan. Your LAST CHANCE.

That's it folks! I hope you are having a good week. Let's meet up again tomorrow for Friday, the only day of the week that everybody loves. Sorry every other day, but we do play favorites.

Web of Lies: Sometimes, it pays to wait

The way this whole Spider-man reboot debacle has played out thus far, I decided to bite my razor-sharp, frequently flapping tongue yesterday when the interwebs freaked the eff out about rumors that Logan Lerman (Percy Jackson & the Olympians: The Lightning Thief) was the top choice to play Peter Parker.
I watched as site after site glommed on to the news and ran with it, bemoaning his age (dude is 17), his emo look (I chose a picture with lotsa hair but he is sporting a rather Effron-esque do right now), and his lack of experience (although he did just wrap a major movie with tons of effects). Turns out, waiting is sometimes a good idea, as according to today's THR, he's not the top choice. Both the studio and Lerman's own peeps are saying he's not the top candidate. In fact, the only person really talking about the possibility...is Lerman himself. In related news, I Ryan Syrek am also being considered for the role of Peter Parker. Somehow, I doubt that will catch on. Okay, so Lerman may still may be a candidate, he's just not the top one. I do think this shows that our worst fears are taking shape, however. Columbia does seem to want to Twilight this franchise by making it skew younger, featuring more romance than action, and keeping the budget somewhat slimmer, and casting rumors like this only demonstrate that stupid-ass approach. If you want to take some other unknown series out there and do that, it's fine with me. But there's no need to trash Spider-man like this. It's going to backfire. It really will. If you are satisfied making an $80 million production and getting $300 million back globally, that's cool. It's a nice return on your money. That said, if you want to make a good movie, spend $150 million and get back $700 million, all you have to do is not suck. This is a hard one for me to let go, but I'm learning quickly that this franchise is circling the toilet like a porcelain-phobic who has the trots.

Web of Lies: We've got some good news and bad news

It's been awhile since last we weaved this tangled web of lies. When last we spoke, it was revealed that Marc Webb had been slated to direct the rebooted Spider-man (presumably on the basis of his pun-spawning last name). FYI: This reboot should no longer be called Spider-man 4 (since it is not); it should be called Amazing Spider-man but will likely be called Spider-Man Origins: Rise of the Spider-Man or something equally as atrocious. Or not. Follow me on this interesting (and somewhat frightening) tangent, won't you.

It goes like this (give yourself five points if the phrase "it goes like this" makes you think of Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah"...but deduct 15 if you thought of any version but Cohen's or Buckley's and deduct 35 if you thought of Timberlake's recent slo-mo version): UK gossip mag OK says that Zac Effron may be the new Peter Parker, a fact that only furthers the fear of potential singing (what with Webb's now famous song in 500 Days of Summer and Peter Parker's unholy dance number in Spider-man 3). That's terrible. But what may not be terrible is how this came to be. Right now, as Slashfilm points out, Effron is linked to a project involving Brian Michael Bendis (the writer of "Ultimate Spider-man" comics and various other awesomeness). So, there's a chance that Sony, who wants more high-schooly Spidey stuff, has sought out Bendis, who primarily writes high-schooly Spidey stuff, to polish up some scripts...and he connected the gang to Effron, who is a terrible choice. The quesiton for me is, am I willing to take an Effron if I get a Bendis?
Well, maybe if he cuts his damn hair. Seriously, the villain in the movie can't win on the basis that emo Spidey smacks into a building because his mask pushed his hair in his eyes. I don't know squat about Effron, being that I've avoided his movies as though they came with free herpes. Maybe he's okay, maybe not. I do know that if Bendis is involved, things just got better.

Web of Lies: Reborn

Well here we go again. This guy is now in charge of Spider-man.
His name is Marc Webb, and he scares the living shit out of me. Oh, it's not just because two of the FIVE projects he has completed as a director are 3 Doors Down and Greenday videos (although, let me just say, 3 DOORS F**KING DOWN? the new Spidey director is a guy who worked with 3 Doors F**king Down?!?!?!) but because Sony signed him to a three-picture deal as Spidey director based off of one movie he made that I sort of, kind of thought was okay. In fact, one could argue that what made Webb's only film, 500 Days of Summer, adorable and appealing was Joseph Gorden Levitt and not the stolen quirk from other films shoehorned into a semi-original rom com. I know of no unique Webb visual style, although we have but one film to judge by, and the fact that this new mega-billion dollar franchise is pretty much his sophomore effort means that this guy will be such a Sony puppet that he may as well be made of felt and be receiving a permanent rectal exam. Can this be fixed with the right casting? Sure. Raise your hand if you knew that Jon Favreau was going to kill Iron Man like he did (we liked him, yes, but what about Zathura made you go "this is going to be goooood"). It was Robert Downey Jr who saved that day. Then again, Iron Man is no Spider-man, and what Webb is "known for" (I put that in quotation marks because THIS IS HIS SECOND FULL-LENGTH FILM) is romance. This move is akin to watching a kid excel at an airplane video game so you give him the keys to the Lear Jet. It sounds like Sony is preparing us for less action (ie, cheaper), more romance (ie, designed to bring in the tween/Twilight set...which isn't the target audience by the way, they won't just come and watch anything with half-wit teens in love), and a rather bland style. Things are moving faster than I thought, so we will likely be talking casting shortly. My warning still stands: You cast a single male Twilight actor in this and I'm stomping balls. All of the balls. Your balls.

Web of Lies: No suprise that a Nimrod is involved

When I saw the following on Quiet Earth, quite frankly I dismissed it (and not just because I hate the earth like the GOP does):

"Sam Raimi met Nimrod (Antal) on the Sony lot before his first US film, Vacancy. They clicked, so Sam hired him to direct Armored. Now, Predators is getting some great word-of-mouth around tinsel-town. Warners loves it and now Sam Raimi and Sony want the director back at the studio to helm Spider-man."

Several things seemed off to me: (1) Someone brought up the movie Armored without making a joke about it. (2) Nobody says tinsel-town anymore. I checked on that with MY sources...and those sources laughed at me. (3) Why would Sony care what Sam Raimi thinks, even if he is keeping his role on the film as a "producer?" Isn't this akin to asking the girl you just dumped to check out the rack on the hottie you're now shagging? Sure, Raimi may have some contractual thing that allows him to stay on as a "producer," but that really doesn't mean anything. If you've seen "30 Rock," you know that these titles are usually just given out to stop the fighting. Also, (4) Predators is getting great word of mouth? From what mouths? And what words? This all seems highly suspect. But then Slashfilm picked up the story and basically said that Quiet Earth knows their shit. This is the equivalent of a Sam Jackson character in any movie he's ever been in vouching for somebody: You'd best trust him. I haven't seen Armored. Nobody has, the film was quarantined. I have seen Vacancy, and it was pretty but stupid. I do know that this is not the guy I want making this movie but it is the type of guy who the studio is going to hire to make this movie. Instead of somebody young and hip (Edgar Wright), someone with great character sensibility (Jason Reitman), someone with a really unique visual eye (Michel Gondry), or somebody with a passion for the character, they're going to hire a guy who they can puppeteer. So, Nimrod, be warned: You're about to have a hand up your ass. That may be the finest sentence I've ever composed on this blog.

Ryan's Junk Drawer

Hello, hello, hello! Welcome back to the wacky world of my junk. Once more with feeling, this is the weekly column in which I jam pack a whole bunch of tiny tidbits that don't warrant their own entire blog entry. Think of it like a bucket for leftover pocket change, only I actually do something with the extra dough, it's not mostly GD pennies, and there's nary a button or stick of gum to be found. Also, the creepy image above, which is from Highlights Magazine for Children, is studied every week, as I come up with some disturbing take on the image, because we all know that's John Wayne Gacy's hand. Today's take involves the strangely disappearing hand. Just as entropy was consuming the universe thanks to that proton collider which was guaranteed not to rip open a hole in reality, Gary remembered where he kept his lucky rabbit's foot. Were it not for the end of all that is finally disintegrating the world behind him, he would have grabbed it, too. Sad.

Now on to the weekly news nuggets too scrawny to make the big leagues. Grab a hold of something...here comes my junk.

1.) Just FYI, if Robert Pattinson plays Spider-man, I'm blowing up earth - The only reason I haven't included the rumor that Pattinson is up for the role of Peter Parker in a huge ranting blog post despite hearing it from multiple sources is because I refuse to even entertain it. If that bushy eyebrowed, half-wit, homeless-looking, talentless, pasty, British object of 40-year-old-women-who-love-cats-and-13-year-old-girls-who-don't-understand-statutory-rape is cast as the greatest superhero of all time (yeah, I'll fight you on that one too if you disagree), I will straight up find a way to nuclear proliferate my own home and end this world as we know it. This is not an idle threat, this is the threat of a man with a billion comics, an undying love for the character of Spidey, and the means to create a geek army to do his bidding (right...right, guys?). I don't care that f**king Marc Webb may ride his medicore 500 Days of Summer into the director's role in order to deliver a f**king teeny-pop take on the iconic superhero. I don't care that they'll probably have music from the f**king Jonas Brothers. Okay, I do care about all of that, but I care mostly about not having the disheveled walking corpse, the greasy hack that is Pattinson as my favorite character. You could say it downright bothers me.



2.) So long as the fifth brother is an animal... - I could watch Andy Sandberg's Mark Wahlberg talking to animals for about 2 weeks, maybe more. Each and every "how's it goin' chicken?" sends me into fits of hysteria. So,with THR reporting that Wahlberg has engineered a sequel to the little-seen but somehow still slightly enjoyed Four Brothers (the movie that made Andre 3000 think he should do movies instead of providing more insanely groovy music) is getting a sequel. It will be called Five Brothers but would get a bigger audience if it was Four Brothers and a Goat. I would see the latter movie 10 times in the theater. There's really no word on a plot, but that's not all that surprising given that it's a sequel. No director is set to attach, but John Singleton will probably return because he's not exactly busy at this point. He was set to direct The A-Team for forever, so I can imagine he's in a world of pain right now after seeing the trailer. Oh, his take on it might have sucked more, but there's no denying his BA Baracas wouldn't be the ridiculous biscuits that Rampage Jackson appears to be. Oh, and I wasn't going to leave you hanging. Enjoy.



3.) If Pixar made toilet paper, it would be the best toilet paper ever - Few studios have done no wrong...actually, I think it's just Pixar to be honest. One of the more interesting developments at the studio is the upcoming John Carter of Mars. The reason? It's not an animated film...well, at least not entirely. According to one line over at THR, "The movie will be a hybrid of live action and CGI." Whether or not this is 100% accurate, the prospect of Pixar doing adult fare (with real people in it or not) is about as exciting as you can get, because their kids movies are more fulfilling and satisfying for adults than most adult movies. The movie follows John Carter (to be played by "Friday Night Lights" hubba-hubba hunk Taylor Kitsch), who is a Civil War vet who winds up transported to Mars, where he fights in another war...so dude can't catch a break. The cast now includes Lynn Collins, Willem Dafoe, Samantha Morton, Polly Walker (rejoice Polly Walker fans...who's Polly Walker again?), and most recently added, Emmy Award winner Bryan Cranston from "Breaking Bad" (who is likely thrilled that is now his reference point instead of "Malcom in the Middle"). I can't say for sure that this is going to be the live-action hybrid promised, but I don't care. I'm so ready to see what Pixar does by branching out that I feel the exact opposite as when I think about Robert Pattinson as Peter Parker.

4.) Daniel Craig desires Downey Jr.'s sloppy seconds - Cowboys and Aliens is a project so obviously Hollywood that it's insane that it has taken over 10 years for the film version to get this far. The latest setback is Robert Downey Jr stepping away from the project, presumably to count his Iron Man and Sherlock Holmes money (you could really argue that RDJ is getting into that rarified Will Smith/Hugh Jackman/George Clooney movie-star range again...and good for him). The replacement may be somewhat disappointing, not from an acting standpoint (that's assuming that they're going to be acting in Cowboys and Aliens), but what it means about the other project this replacement cowboy would not be shooting. Confused? It's Daniel Craig. If he becomes a cowboy this summer, as Collider is suggesting, he will not be shooting Bond 23 this summer. I've been salivating for this next Bond film, given how much I've loved the revamp (yes, even Quantum of Solace, asshats). This third film should payoff with a fight against the big bad guys and it's written by the playwright behind Frost/Nixon. God, I want it so bad it hurts me. Still, with MGM (007's studio) suckin' tail right now, chances are Craig will be donning a cowboy hat before a tux.

5.) Trailer's parked - This week has a few interesting trailers, the first two being new takes on movies we've already seen trailers from and the last being a Kevin Costner movie...I know.

A-Team - The preview is pretty much what you'd expect, although I've begun hearing about some discontent on the set, including some Sharlto Copeley concerns...which sucks. I say "pretty much" what you'd expect, because it goes full-retard in the last minute. The tank thing...shudder.



Kick-Ass - Hands down one of my most anticipated films for this next year, the buzz among people I follow who have seen it is absolutely incredible. This trailer shows why. I'm super amped.



Company Men - Finally, the weirdest of the bunch. A downsizing drama (with a weird, weird trailer) featuring Chris Cooper (YAY!), Tommy Lee Jones (YAY!), Maria Bello (YAY!), Ben Affleck (okay), and Kevin Costner (wait a minute...). It looks all poignant and shit, which means it could actually be touching or could be touching in a bad touch way. Not sure.

That's almost too much junk to handle, so try to take it all in and I'll see you tomorrow.

Kirb your enthusiasm

If you're a fan of Marvel Comics (I cannot fathom the subhuman pig person who isn't, so let's just assume you are), you have respect for Jack Kirby.
The man was, in this Marvel Zombie's opinion, the most influential and important comic book artist of all time (suck a duck, Todd McFarlane). Thus, today's news about Kirby troubles me. I'm divided worse than those issues of the Incredible Hulk when they split Bruce Banner and the green monster, I'm more conflicted than the Silver Surfer's sexuality, I'm more confused than Thor's word choice, I'm more troubled than Peter Parker after finding out that Harry Osborn was riding the heroin train to Whitney Houston-ville, I'm...you know, I could do this all day. You get the idea. See, Kirby's estate, having seen how Seigel and Schuster's estate (the guys who created Superman), is now suing Marvel and all related enterprises to get some of the rights to these characters back. Virtually every character in that picture up there (save for Spider-man, who was co-created by artist Steve Ditko) is up for grabs. I'm not sure how I feel about this, as it seems from various reports that Kirby's departure from Marvel wasn't a straight-up case of him getting jobbed by the company but more of a creative difference kind of thing. Plus, unlike the Seigel and Schuster families fighting together, Stan Lee co-created almost all of those characters and is STILL at Marvel. Then again, the Kirby estate got the lawyer who just WON the Seigel and Schuster case, which is going to have very, very serious and real implications for how and when you see Superman (if you do). The whole thing is far too troubling for a simple man who just loves his comics and comic movies. Really, it just makes me sad because I love everyone involved. Why do mommy and daddy have to fight? Is it because I'm bad?

Spider-man vs the studio

According to Variety, Spider-man's fate rests in the pen of this guy:



His name is James Vanderbilt, and I'm going to try to forgive his unfortunate facial hair, his Axe-body-spray hair cut, and the fact that this looks like a date rapist's mug shot. Oy. The bigger concern than my obvious snap judgment about people's appearances, is that Sony has hired the man to write Spider-man 5 and 6, without knowing if they'll have to reboot because Maguire and Dunst are leaving. Look, this ain't Harry Potter, we know the chances are high that this role will be replaced, but knowing whether you're going to be following a literal extension of a storyline from what has been established or kickin' the do-over button is important. Supposedly, the idea that good-ole "Douchey Magee" up there has will span two movies and will involve a simultaneous two-picture shoot. After the vortex of suck formed around the last movie (I know, I reviewed it positively, but thankfully The Reader only keeps an online archive of like 2 weeks or something, so I can start denying it...thank God they have no faith in the sustained viability of the Internet"), a ton is riding on this next endeavor, which Vanderbilt wrote the first draft of...before playwright David Lindsay-Abaire was brought in to rewrite...before Gary Ross was brought in to rewrite that. So, yeah, apparently Vanderbilt's work was so vital they had to bring on two more writers to poke at it (please don't let the villain in this one be male-pattern baldness, the only enemy Vanderbilt TRULY fears). Raimi supposedly did not care for all of Vandy's ideas, which is really reassuring, considering he is the most talented thinker involved on the series. Now, the good news is that Vanderbilt had a hand in Zodiac, which was good if really, really boring, and he also penned The Losers, based on the comic book, and that will likely see the light of day before Spider-man 5 and 6 get rolling, so there's time to fire Captain Pornstache before it's too late, if needs be. Look, I'm just protective, okay, I really love Spidey and the last outing was so bad that I need to believe again. Plus, the Spidey musical is having funding problems, so I may never get that Bono/The Edge Spider-man music that I need to survive (just typing that was hard through my tears). Please, help me Sergeant Soul-Patch, you're my only hope.

The movie rumor that launched a friendship

The year was...oh Jesus, let's not do that, it's too depressing. Long ago (very long ago), in the land of Illinois, two young boys discovered...okay, now this sounds like gay porn. Um, howsabout...When I was in middle school, I met my best friend Andrew because we were both nerds. I was talkative, obnoxious nerd (I know, shocker), and he was quiet, introspective nerd. Andrew will tell you that he loathed me when he first met me, a natural reaction that I am told is powered by my potent hate-inducing pheromones. What bridged the gap (besides a crazy kid we both knew), was the rumors of James Cameron directing a Spider-man movie. It mean seem like no biggie now, but consider that at the time, there had been exactly two good superhero installments (Superman 2, and Batman)...EVER. So news that the guy behind Aliens was contemplating making a Spider-man movie wasn't just nerd catnip, it was the sort of thing that could be discussed and analyzed ad nauseum (seriously, we made people vomit). Fast forward a boatload of Oscars and two great Spider-man movies (and please-oh-please at least one more) from Sam Raimi, and it is somewhat intriguing that Cameron still hasn't fully kicked the Spidey bug. In an interview with MTV, Jimmy C noted that "Spider-Man was the only one I ever wanted to do. I wasn't really personally that driven to do a superhero movie per se, but I wanted to do Spider-Man because he was my guy when I was 14," insightfully adding "Spider-Man was the shit and everybody else sucked." Amen, Mr. Cameron. Amen. Now, this isn't "news" per se, as the likelihood of Cameron hopping in line to direct the FIFTH Spider-man movie (especially after Avatar and the long-long-long rumored "Battle Angel Alita" adaptation) is somewhere between "sha-right" and "as if." Still, if Avatar drains the fluid from our bodies like it's supposed to, and if Raimi begs out of the Spidey series (as he likely will because of World of Warcraft) it isn't TOO crazy to think someone would at least gauge his interest. I want to go on record that I am NOT in any way saying this non-story should be labeled "Cameron wants to do next Spider-man movie," so much as I am reminiscing about once discussing such things and noting that I like living in a world where it's still, no matter how improbable, possible.