Ryan's Junk Drawer

Why, good morning you beautiful blog-enthusiasts! Once more, I'd like to congratulate you on both surviving until Thursday and your immense curiosity about my junk (I don't blame you, it's huge this week). As always, congressional rules and my good upbringing require me to mention that I don't mean what you think I mean when I say junk. Oh, great googly moogly, no. What I actually mean is that I'm about to present unto you a collection of movie tidbits that are too small to warrant an actual, full blog post unto themselves. That sentence had two "untos" in it, which means I win that game of bizarre blogger bingo I've been playing. Anyhoodle, the other tradition we partake in before getting started is weird. I'm just being honest. I don't know why I started it or why I continue it other than it's tradition and it amuses me. What we do is look at the creepy image of a junk drawer (taken from Highlights Magazine FOR CHILDREN) and pick an item from it to write a funny, weird-ass story about. Today's item is the screw in the middle of the drawer. Sally was a sentient screw. Fully conscious and very much filled with intellect and awareness, Sally discovered that her major obstacle in life was not the rampant invasion of her screw-person by a Philips-head screw driver (she rather liked that, to be honest) so much as it was her complete lack of a mouth. She had tried to communicate with God, the giant being who moved her to and fro with his giant hands, by scratching out words in the wood, but he only blamed his children, the Godlings who once shoved Sally up their noses. She had managed to work her way from the wall back into a safer place after years of trying. Now, if only she could convince the twine next to her to forgo the centuries of conflict between the screw people and the rope people, maybe she'd have a chance...

Okay, enough shenanigans, let's get to this week's junk!

1.) An idea so good it won't happen - I thoroughly enjoyed Sherlock Holmes, and not just for the rampant Rachel McAdams-ness of it (although, wow did that not hurt things). It was a good time and a nice introduction to the new versions of Holmes and Watson, who are totally gay for each other. If you don't get that comment, I'll just briefly summarize that the wench who owns the rights to the characters took such umbrage at Robert Downey Jr's suggestion that there was homoerotic tension between the two leads that she threatened to deny future use. I took that as an invitation to assert that Watson is the pocket for Holmes's magnifying glass as often as possible. I may not be able to teach her tolerance, but I can damn sure guarantee ample material will be found when she sadly Googles Sherlock Holmes + Watson + Gay Lovers. Back to the movie. The problem wasn't the Brokeback-ing; the problem was the villain, who was just weird and irrelevant. Well, Superherohype.com claims this won't be a problem next time. Early rumors had it that Brad Pitt, good buddy to director Guy Ritchie, had shot a cameo as Moriarty. Well, he didn't. So who may play perhaps the greatest supervillain ever in the next flick? Oh, howsabout this guy?

I realize the chances of DDL deciding to forgo his dedication to offbeat projects with incredible artists directing them is slim, but boy howdy would he be a great Moriarty. His role in Gangs of New York remains one of the best villainous performances ever. This may all be pipe dreams (get it, Holmes smokes a pipe...and Watson), but I'm holding out hope big time.

2.) Redemption, Damon by thy name! - I want so badly for Cameron Crowe to come back to us. As I've mentioned before, homeboy straight killed every movie he touched before dropping Elizabethtown on our faces and running away, screaming "Damn you, Dunst! Damn you and your weird teeth straight to hell!" That movie was dead in the casting phase, as somehow he picked Orlando Bloom to carry an entire film that seemed written around creating another good soundtrack (a Crowe staple). Well, if casting is a concern this time, Variety has some good news: Matt Damon is the front-runner for the lead in We Bought a Zoo. Based on the true story of a family with no zoo experience who bought a zoo to live in, the film will likely be schmaltzy and have too much animal humor for my liking (my liking is for zero animal humor). Still, if Damon takes the lead, I feel good about it. Dude doesn't pick a lot of bad projects. I hope this is a sign that Crowe is back on the road to awesome, a place where the Bloom/Dunst population is zero.

3.) Escape from this idea - MovieWeb has an interview with Breck Eisner. Yes, calm down, the guy who directed Sahara does still occasionally give interviews to us mere mortals. He's going to direct the Escape from New York remake, which should in no way happen so it will. In discussing ridiculous things about how 9/11 has some kind of influence on the remake of a campy John Carpenter film, he dropped the news that he would like Timothy Olyphant to play the Snake Plisskin part. That's a really good idea, if the rest of this wasn't such a bad idea. That's like saying, "let's take our Hispanic family and move to Arizona where I have a winning lottery ticket to cash in." See, on the one hand, you're rich...but you still live in Arizona. Whenever I think of Olyphant, I'm reminded of when I saw Kevin Smith at the comic con shortly after he filmed Catch and Release. He told this great story about how he and Olyphant almost came to blows after Smith said something to the extent of "This ain't 'Deadwood,' Olyphant, you aren't sheriff here." That's just great. Smith also talked about dirty things Ben Affleck told him about Jennifer Garner. I liked that even more than the Olyphant story. So, quick recap: Remaking Escape from New York is a terrible idea. Timothy Olyphant rocks, but shouldn't be in this turd. You shouldn't move to Arizona if you're Hispanic because they will look at you cruelly even if you're rich. Jennifer Garner does weird dirty stuff.

4.) I was already freaking out, now I'm freaking out harder - Peter Travers reviewed Inception way early. Why not? That dude likes EVERYTHING. If I made a movie, I would send it to him first and beg him to release his review. Seriously, if you played a drinking game at your local theater (I don't recommend it...okay, yes I do) where you took a shot every time you walked past a poster with a splash quote from "Rolling Stone" Magazine's quote whore, you would die. What's interesting is that, as Slashfilm notes, the part of his review with zero spoilers (the only part I'd read, I want to go into this one dark) isn't what Warner Brothers would want him to say, even though it's incredibly positive. Here's the excerpt: "We’re so used to being treated like idiots. How to cope with a grand-scale epic, shot in six countries at a reported cost of $160 million, that turns your head around six ways from Sunday? Dive in and drive yourself crazy, that’s how." See, normally old Pete just repeats the company tagline, calling any summer blockbuster a "thrill-ride" and any significant Oscar candidate "A sure-fire Oscar contender." Here, the company friendly play would have been to punch up comparisons to The Matrix and talk about the visuals and exciting action aspects. Instead, he more or less calls it really smart and suggests it's almost an art film. Now, while that's what I want to hear (and boy howdy did it whip me into even more of a frenzy for this flick), I'm guessing Warner Brothers will be searching hard for a quote somewhere in the review that reads "Leonardo DiCaprio is dreamy and the movie is an explosion-fest that even morons will love." Oh, and one more word of warning, do keep yourself limited to Inception coverage on the interwebs. Spoilers are afoot and you don't want to be spoiled, even on your feet.

5.) Trailers, parked - Perhaps the best cast in a movie being made right now is the cast for Red, based on a graphic novel by lunatic and genius Warren Ellis (the comic book writer whose twitter you simply should follow, if only for his brilliant, French-blasting World Cup tweets). Now we have a full trailer, which only serves to further excite me with its fun tone and incredible use of ageless beauty Mary Louise Parker. I'm easily excitable today, I guess. Here it is:

Finally, we have Tomorrow, When the War Began. It's not Red Dawn. Why not? Um, because it's set in Australia...and they have Australian accents? Other than that, it is 100% Red Dawn. This may be a good thing, because the Red Dawn remake supposedly has hit a boatload of snags, so we may never see that. Instead, we get to see the exact same movie, only with weird accents. I'm okay with that.



Alright, that's my junk for the week. Back at you tomorrow for the start of a relaxing weekend, right?

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No mo Lobo

Nobody really needed a movie about Lobo, a comic book character created I can only assume on some kind of dare. The one-note figure went around doing dumb shit and saying words like "bastiches," which made people laugh because it sounded like bastards (teeheehee). So, count me one of the many who could care less that LAT’s Hero Complex blog's chat with producer Joel Silver seems to suggest that Guy Ritchie is bailing on Lobo for a return to Sherlock's village. Sherlock has done great business (should cross $200 million domestically and $400 million worldwide shortly) while operating under the shadow of Avatar, which HAD to be taking some of the audience away. With rumors flying that Moriarty will make his nefarious rise in the next flick, and with many rumors suggesting Brad Pitt has been (or will be) offered the plot, bringing Ritchie (who has a relationship with Pitt) back to the film may be a great idea. Since I mentioned Brad Pitt, this is also a good time to point out that I don't care if he and Angelina Jolie have split up or not. Although I applaud her humanitarian work and have sometimes accidentally enjoyed her movies, she seems to be a psychotic who not-so-long-ago used to drink Billy Bob Thornton's blood. Now, if she's paying down international deficits and helping poor people live, I'll forgive her the whole batshit crazy making-out-with-her-brother thing, but I draw the line at giving a squishy tomato about her personal life. Besides, I have a feeling they'll both be fine. Rich and fine. Rich, attractive, and fine. So, moral of the story: Guy Ritchie is likely doing Sherlock Holmes 2: The Case of Watson's Lube, Brad Pitt should play Moriarty because that would effing rule, and we've all forgotten that Angelina Jolie is the lunatic spawn of Jon Voight.

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

This is starting to get repetitive. Avatar, Avatar, Avatar. Blah, blah, blah. How in the world can I spice this up and break the monotony?

There, all better. Now we can move on to discussing the intricate ins and outs of the weekend box office stuffs. Oh, and we're going to be doing the three-day weekend thing because I have Monday off (yeah, no bloggy blog on that day, I'm out of town). Here's how I see this weekend breaking down, haiku style.

1.) Avatar - $43 million

The Dark Knight is next
on its box office onslaught.
Will Titanic hold?

2.) The Book of Eli - $30 million

Spoiler Alert Time
I know the secret book's name:
"Tuesdays with Morrie."

3.) Alvin and the Chipmunks The Squeakquel - $14 million

I'm sick of this too.
When will the chipmunks be gone?
Exterminate them.

4.) The Spy Next Door - $12 million

Poor old Jackie Chan
First Rush Hour 3 and now this
Stop making me sad.

5.) Sherlock Holmes - $11 million

Elementary.
That's a good descriptor here.
We knew this would rule.

WILDCARD - The Lovely Bones - $10 million

Not a crowd pleaser...
and not a critic pleaser.
That does not bode well.

Okay gang. That's it. Have a lovely 3-day weekend (if you get it). Stay safe, have fun and see you next week.

Weekend Box Office Results: This is getting Avatar-ded

Likely by the end of the day, Avatar will be in the top 5 domestic films of all time. It has also closed the worldwide gap on Titanic to $513 million. That's a big number, sure, but it probably has at least $100-150 million more domestically that it will rake in, leaving just over $350 million to tally overseas. If it keeps pulling in $100 million a weekend from around the globe...we may be looking at a new champion. God, that is really just staggering. Especially since it (A) wasn't all that great and (B) had terrible buzz early on. Really, that's just the exact same formula as Titanic, huh? Yeah, I think that movie is mediocre, too...it just got lucky and had Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio in it, so people THOUGHT it was better than it actually was. But I digress. We're in there here and now, so here is some haiku-style results now:

1.) Avatar - $48.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 97%)

Highest fourth weekend.
Biggest ever 3D film.
Least humble helmer.

2.) Sherlock Holmes - $16.5 (Accuracy of prediction - 84%)

What a nice big hit
complete with some gay subtext
Mention that often.

3.) Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel - $16 million (Accuracy of prediction - 78%)

Let's name the third one:
How about the Squeal-o-gy?
Or, JUST DON'T MAKE IT.

4.) Daybreakers - $15 million (Accuracy of prediction - 93.5%)

Non-sparkle vampires
Can't earn the same box office.
Wow, that really sucks.

5.) It's Complicated - $11 million (Accuracy of prediction - 98%)

Here's some food for thought:
Ephron is Tyler Perry
for old white women.

Overall accuracy of prediction - 90%

Another A week!
Avatar is good for ALL!
I forgive you, Jim!

Okay, that's it for now guys. Enjoy your Monday!

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

Let's start with the update from Avatarwatch - James Cameron has now directed the two biggest box office hits in the world...ever. In less than a month, Cameron's blue people have totaled the second highest gross in history. By Sunday, the movie will have made more than $400 million domestically and will be the sole owner of the highest fourth weekend total ever. It should fairly easily cruise past The Dark Knight, leaving only Titanic to beat domestically, with the question remaining: Can it beat the boat?

Here's how I see this weekend (haiku style):

1.) Avatar - $45 million

The Na'vi are blue
But I would bet Fox is not
I'd say they are green.

2.) Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel - $20 million

I will not see this
Not on a dare or a bet
Not now, not ever

3.) Sherlock Holmes - $18 million

Holy gay undertones!
A producer hates that talk.
So let's keep it up.

4.) Daybreakers - $17 million

They sold this one wrong.
The ads should have said, "Hey girls,
do you like vampires?"

5.) Leap Year - $14 million

Love Amy Adams.
Hate generic romance flicks.
Guess I'm conflicted.

WILDCARD - It's Complicated - $10.5 million

When you think of it.
It is not complicated.
It's just not for me.

Okay gang, that's it. Have a wonderful weekend! I'll be back later to beg for money from you.

Holmes and Watson must not live in Iowa

Today's intolerant movie news comes to you from Andrea Plunket, who is the copyright holder to the American versions of Sherlock Holmes stuff and a misguided dipshit. Responding to a few barbs and jokes about Watson and Holmes wanting to explore each other's mysteries made by the comfortable-with-his-sexuality Robert Downey Jr on the Letterman show, the bone-headed Ms. Plunket noted “I hope this is just an example of Mr. Downey's black sense of humor. It would be drastic, but I would withdraw permission for more films to be made if they feel that is a theme they wish to bring out in the future. I am not hostile to homosexuals, but I am to anyone who is not true to the spirit of the books.” A few quick notes: Anyone who says they're not "hostile to homosexuals" is hostile to homosexuals. I like how she didn't even bother to clean up the language. "I'm not hostile to homosexuals?" What does that mean? You don't spend weekends committing hate crimes? Good for you. I don't spend the weekends committing arson, we should hang out. How 'bout this, I'm VERY hostile to dingbats who respond to innocuous statements on talk shows for no good reason other than to get press and, in doing so, help to slightly widen the divide between "them" and "us." Shut your yapper, moron. As near as I can tell from some quick research, she's been married four times (yay for the sanctity of marriage) and got the rights by boning the dude who once held them. Way to stay "true to the spirit," Andrea! By the way, more people have now thought of Holmes hiding his magnifying glass in Watson's back pocket NOW than when Downey Jr mentioned it, so kudos there.

Weekend Box Office Results: We all owe Jimmy Cameron an apology

It's too early to do this, I know, but somebody has to ask...does Avatar have a chance at taking the global box office all-time title? After next weekend it is going to be number two all-time and will likely eclipse $400 million domestic, making it 2009's top-grossing film (I don't care if it was split between 2009/2010, it helps to wipe the poop stain that is Transformers 2 off the collective cultural underpants). Jimmy C will officially have the top 2 films EVER. That's insane. What say you? Does it have another $700 million in it, or is 2nd all time where it stops? Lord, go back in time about 2 months and tell me that I'm asking this question and I won't believe you. Actually, if you came from the future and THAT was what you wanted to ask/tell me, I would do more to you than just not believe you. Anyway, here's this week's results, haiku style.

1.) Avatar - $68 million (Accuracy of prediction - 92.5%)

I can't believe it.
James Cameron really IS king.
He should so Knight me.

2.) Sherlock Holmes - $38 million (Accuracy of prediction - 92%)

A franchise is born!
Who will play Moriarty?
Still hoping Brad Pitt!

3.) Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel - $36 million (Accuracy of prediction - 92%)

Two chipmunk movies,
and no Thundercat movies.
Where is the justice?

4.) It's Complicated - $18.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 96%)

Hey, I had a thought:
This is kind of like Twilight...
but for old people.

5.) The Blind Side - $12.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 86%)

I have nothing left.
This movie won't go away.
I have New-Moon-itis.

Overall accuracy of prediction - 92%

Wow! I got an A!
Twenty ten has a good start...
but this too shall pass.

Okay gang, happy Monday! Remember, Christmas vacation is a mere 50 weeks away!

Fearless, Flawless Predictions

As you likely guessed by this post, I ain't bloggin' tomorrow. Sorry. You'll be hung over anyway. So will I. I want you to enjoy yourself out there. Eat some food. See a movie. Drink a beer. Eat a beer movie. Live it up.

Here are the last predictions of aught nine (haiku style):

1.) Avatar - $58 million

I guess we were wrong.
This is a big, fat ole hit.
It's budget was fine.

2.) Sherlock Holmes - $44 million

Elementary
Downey Jr is a God.
Johnny Depp, suck it.

3.) Alvin and the Chipmunks The Squekquel - $30 million

The Chipmunks won't leave
They're little high-pitched assholes.
Does that sound bitter?

4.) It's Complicated - $17 million

Old people love this
They remember Steve Martin.
Meryl Streep does rule.

5.) The Blind Side - $9 million

200 million?
For a Bullock football film?
Where is the punchline?

WILDCARD - Up in the Air - $9 million

Oscars are coming
Best believe this has a chance
It's Clooney-rific!

That's it gang! Happy, happy, happy New Year. Click on my ads. That's the last desperate plea for cash I'll make this year!

Weekend Box Office Results: Time for us to eat blue crow?

Two things: (1) Sorry about not posting predictions this weekend. I was really going to. I was also going to post my Avatar review, which I'm still working on. Lo siento on both fronts. If you click on more ads and pay me more, I promise to do better (or at least make some kind of passable effort). (2) Wow were we wrong about Avatar. When are we collectively going to learn that Jim Cameron's sick Faustian deal includes being able to spend whatever disgusting sum of money he wants (like, say, $500 million) and still make money. This should not be possible, but it is. How do I know? Because yesterday Avatar crossed $600 million worldwide box office. Yeah, it's ALREADY profitable. All that wailing and gnashing of teeth about how much it cost disappeared. Also, consider how impressive this accomplishment truly is: This is an original movie, not a sequel and not based on pre-existing material, with no major stars in it and only the director as a recognizable name. And somehow it is STILL on pace for something like a billion dollars worldwide. James Cameron has made us all his blue-skinned bitches...again. So without any accuracy to go into, here are the results in haiku style!

1.) Avatar - $75 million

Holy giant Smurfs!
I can't believe this total!
Do not doubt "the king."

2.) Sherlock Holmes - $65 million

Downey Jr rules.
His comeback is now complete.
Redemption is rad.

3.) Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel - $50 million

Look, I'm just saying
the less I type that title
the better I feel.

4.) It's Complicated - $22 million

What a big weekend?!
It's no Avatar, but still...
it's old people crack!

5.) Up in the Air - $12 million

Can't wait to see this...
I love me some Farmiga
Okay...and Clooney.

Overall Weekend - +$250 million

A record weekend,
despite it being Christmas.
No one likes small talk.

Okay guys, this was obviously a slow weekend so that's all the news right now. I'll be back tomorrow to sass you up further!

Winter Movie Preview

This should be hitting the physical copy of The Reader in the Thanksgiving issue...which should be coming out sooner than later because there's stuffing to be eaten, people. This is just a little sneak preview of the Winter flicks that have me geeked...actually, since this is a preview of something that will be in the paper, it's a sneak preview of a sneak preview. I hate getting meta-literary on a Monday.

Baby, It’s Cold Outside
Snuggle up with the Winter Movie Preview

News anchors may believe they are the kings and queens of their local information purveyance establishment, but they are mere jesters when compared with the power wielded by weather witches and warlocks. Anchors repeat words; the weather people determine whether we can leave our homes from roughly December to March. In lieu of a pagan sacrifice, as a plea for diminished blizzard-spawning wizardry, the movies in this year’s Winter Movie Preview will be measured against the nastiest seasonal spells, er, “forecasts,” that the climate magicians have to deploy.

Up in the Air (Dec 4)

Partially filmed in Omaha (okay, very, very partially), the latest effort from uber-promising director Jason Reitman follows George Clooney (ever hear of him?) as a corporate frequent flyer who flies around firing folks. Oscar buzz has been more contagious than pork fever (or whatever that new-fangled disease is), so see it early and brag.

Excitement forecast – A 100% chance of huge, manly-man hunks of cool ice falling from the sky.

The Princess and the Frog (Dec 11)

Hand-drawn Disney movies warmly and kindly raised several generations of children. Sadly, today’s kids have been reared by the cold bastards that are computer-generated movies…until now. Introducing the first black princess (‘bout time), Tiana, the film is set in The French Quarter during the Jazz Age. If it avoids Song of the South-ing it’s way along, it may find itself admitted to the elite kids flick pantheon.

Excitement forecast – Fluffy-bunny snowflakes falling for hours. Total accumulation: 1-5 hugs.

Invictus (Limited on Dec 11)

Morgan Freeman got himself in a bit of scandal, what with the whole affair-with-his-stepdaughter thing (so icky). The only career remedy: play Nelson Mandela alongside Matt Damon in a Clint Eastwood movie. Heavy-handed social themes and massive sports cliches combined with Eatwood’s beloved touch means this films Oscars will win other little baby Oscars.

Excitement forecast – Racist fog gives way to optimistic social light.

Avatar (Dec 18)

After taking a decade-or-so to bask in his own greatness, James Cameron has returned…with sensitive blue Thundercats? With what a rumored $500 million budget, Avatar seems like little more than a computer-generated version of Dances With Wolves in space. Every indication suggests this may be the Internet-generation’s Heaven’s Gate. Then again, didn’t they say that about a little flick called Titanic?

Excitement forecast – Chance of rain, 50%. Chance of snow, 50%. Chance of sun, 50%. James Cameron makes his own math.

Nine (Dec 18)

The film is based on a novel, based on a Tony-award winning musical, based on an Italian play, based on the life of Federico Fellini. Its lineage is only slightly less crowded than its cast, including Nicole Kidman, Marion Cotillard, Penelope Cruz, Sophia Loren, Kate Hudson, Fergie, Judi Dench and Daniel Day-Lewis. If done right, it toe-taps its way to Oscar glory. If done wrong…oh, be serious, it has Daniel Day-Lewis, there is no wrong.

Excitement forecast – Rain, singable and danceable rain.

The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus (Limited on Dec 25)

Director Terry Gilliam can be bizarrely bodacious (see Brazil and 12 Monkeys) or downright dreadful (see The Brothers Grimm). His latest involves a reality-warping journey through a mirror owned by the immortal Dr. Parnassus (Christopher Plummer), a deal with the devil (Tom Waits) and a young hero played by the late Heath Ledger, who passed away midway through shooting. His role was picked up by the trio of Johnny Depp, Jude Law and Colin Farrell, which could be magically delicious or disastrously sour.

Excitement forecast – Temperatures fall below zero, down a rabbit hole into wonderland.

Sherlock Holmes (Dec 25)

Although casting Robert Downey Jr as the clever Mr. Holmes has to be as grating to Brits as casting Hugh Grant as Captain America would be to Yanks, the slam-bang, action-oriented attempt from director Guy Ritchie to franchise Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s creation has the benefit of an assist from Rachel McAdams but the drawback of resembling Will Smith’s big-screen version of Wild, Wild West.

Excitement forecast – A bit from each weather element…ary, dear Watson!

Daybreakers (Jan 8)

Twilight’s wussification of vampires is nearly complete, but this self-described blend of The Matrix and 28 Days Later attempts to breathe some bad-ass back into the bloodsuckers. Borrowing the social metaphor usually seen in zombie flicks, the film imagines a world where most of the world’s population is vampires, and few humans are left to feed on…so human blood is a metaphor for oil?

Excitement forecast – Overcast enough for the living dead to walk the earth.

Youth in Revolt (Jan 8)

In this adaptation, Michael Cera plays Nick Twisp, who is so obsessed with gettin’ a little somethin’ somethin’ that he creates an alter-ego in order to facilitate the somethin’ somethin’, but somethin’ somethin’ goes wrong. Yay for low budgets and epic supporting casts (Steve Buscemi, Ray Liotta, Zach Galifianakis)!

Excitement forecast – A bitter wind-chill means you should cuddle with someone…for warmth.

The Book of Eli (Jan 15)

Post-apocalyptic shenanigans with Denzel Washington squaring off against Gary Oldman? Yes, please. Despite closing in on 60, Washington displays an array of butt kicking in this tale of a man protecting a certain holy book in a world devoid of laws and people.

Excitement forecast – A downpour of acid rain. Mmm, nuclear winter.

The Lovely Bones (Jan 15)

Having conquered Middle Earth, director Peter Jackson found one unseen, captivating realm with a larger fan base: heaven. This adaptation of the popular novel promises to reveal Jackson’s view of the afterlife and provoke more than a few tears. Opening in New York and LA in time to nab nominations, Omahans should know before January if this perspective passes the holy mustard.

Excitement forecast – Plenty of pure, white snow.

Legion (Jan 22)

In direct opposition to our previous film, this sleeper features Paul Bettany as a fallen angel attempting to fight off the apocalypse by shooting and stabbing stuff. The juxtaposition of angelic wings and copious gunshots could spark a cult classic, but don’t look for an endorsement by church groups.

Excitement forecast – Temperatures are falling…in hell!

Hubris, my dear Watson

I like optimism as much as the next guy (more actually, I'm a Cubs and Bears fan), but it seems to me that there's a fine line between having confidence in your upcoming, unreleased, fairly run-of-the-mill looking Sherlock Holmes movie (which bears a striking resemblance to The Wild Wild West adaptation to me) and getting the screenwriters to start working on a sequel. Oh, I get it, your lead is in high demand, what with his armored shenanigans and all (they'll want Downey Jr back in that metal suit ASAP...which is an acronym for "as soon as pee-pee"), but you have no clue if Holmes is going to be a hit despite the gross-national-product of Guam you've sunk into it. Now, it will help things if, as I am still insisting, Brad Pitt is going to cameo at the end as Moriarty, Holmes's nemesis. ...And I suppose if you had an actor of that caliber lined up for what is clearly more than just a quick nod (Moriarty is far too important to recast), I'd imagine you'd have to move fast on a sequel or risk losing him. Hey, now that I think about it, this is beginning to make more sense. If Pitt IS going to be Moriarty, which I know people have disputed but whatever people are lying sacks of Bantha poodoo and Guy Ritchie and Pitt sure do like each other, this HAS to be fast-tracked. That's it, I'm going to go ahead and use this as further proof that my hair-brained Pitt-as-Moriarty idea is confirmed...or at least plausible. Also, I'm not going to complain about any movie with this in it:



Dangerously alluring INDEED!

About those Brad Pitt rumors you'll inevitably hear

No, I'm not talking about the ones where he is supposedly (I say supposedly, but I mean definitely) smoking the ganja with Quentin Tarantino or the ones where he is on the outs with Angelina Jolie (my guess...they fight on the phone and then see each other in person and reconcile through fornication negotiation). I'm talking about the ones from The Daily Mirror that claim Pitt is going to cameo as Moriarty in the new Sherlock Holmes. On the one hand, you have plausibility. The movie IS doing reshoots, Guy Ritchie DID direct Pitt in one of his best performances (the criminally underviewed criminal movie Snatch), and it IS ridiculous to assume that you don't at least mention Moriarty in a Sherlock Holmes movie (if it is only to set up a sequel). Then, on the other hand, you have the following from the studio: "The report in today’s London Mirror is completely inaccurate. Brad Pitt is not joining the cast of Sherlock Holmes." But, isn't that just what someone who wanted to keep a cameo a surprise WOULD SAY!!! AHA! I've donned my "Birther conspiracy" hat, which grants me the power to spin every piece of evidence that suggests my position is wrong! I'm going to go out on a limb here and say...that I actually believe this IS happening. If it isn't, SOMEONE is going to end up cameo-ing or briefly appearing as Moriarty (or else the writers are effing stupid). Pitt hasn't played an out-and-out bad guy in awhile (don't say he was in Jesse James, because we all know that movie made you feel bad for the relentless murdering thief), so it would be nice. Plus, the thought of a Pitt versus Downey Jr sequel puts a tingle even in the most heterosexual loins (you can't imagine what it does to the non-heterosexual loins). I know that I will one day look foolish for backing a report with a flat denial, but it's not like I'm going to war on false information, I'm just posting a stupid blog that has a Venn Diagram on it with the label "hairy nipples." I don't have far to fall.