Friday Free-For-All

Step-Brothers will satisfy your Will Ferrell scrotum curiosity

Look for my full review in Thursday's edition of The Reader, but here's a quick suggestion for those thinking about seeing Step-Brothers: Don't. Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly, who were actually funny together in Talladega Nights, prove that too much of a good thing can make you want to die inside. Director Adam McKay refuses to reign in the improvising, which means scenes that would be amusing for a minute are stretched into 10 minutes of comedy-free discomfort. Moreover, with absolutely no plot, no likable characters, no technical moviemaking skills and way, way, way too much of Ferrell's breeding bag, the whole thing feels like a homemade movie crafted by two kids who just learned how to curse. It's more amusing than Semi-Pro, but so are most war crime tribunals. I don't want to settle on an official grade for the movie yet, but something tells me that the first few letters of the alphabet can go ahead and take the weekend off.

Weekend battle plan - Have you heard about this Dark Knight movie?

In an effort to try new things, we'll try to post suggestions for weekend film consumption every Friday based on things we've already seen. What I'm saying is, two people shouldn't have to see X-Files: I Want to Believe.

In theaters - Yeah, chances are you'll either see Batman again or for the first time if the line of nerds dressed in leather and clown paint scared you away last weekend. Oh, and just so you know, if anyone shows up dressed in murder-clown face paint this weekend, it isn't for the Batman premiere and you have full permission to call the authorities. That said, if you aren't going to see or re-see The Bat, avoid Step-Brothers and X-Files. Give Hellboy 2 some more love, it really deserves it. You won't find a more visually entertaining film all summer (yeah, Batman's pretty but Hellboy is pretty to look at without making you want to pee with fear). Oh, and your mom will go ga-ga for Mamma Mia! So earn some brownie points with that.

To recap: See The Dark Knight, Hellboy 2 and Mamma Mia! and avoid Step-Brothers and X-Files.

On DVD: Rent or buy Spaced, the funniest British thing on television since the Margaret Thatcher Wacky Fun-Time Hour. Also, 21 isn't bad, but you can do better.

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

Another weekly offering will see me taking a stab at weekend totals for the top 5 flicks. If I'm right, I win a pony. If I'm wrong, the pony dies. No pressure.

1. The Dark Knight - $75 million

A 50% drop would be incredible, but I think it could do even better. I wouldn't be surprised if it did in the neighborhood of 80-90 million, but I'm a Spider-man fan, so I won't give Batman the satisfaction of that prediction. This flick has an outside (and I do mean outside) chance at beating Titanic's $600 million tally. After this weekend, it should be over $300 million with very little competition in the coming months to challenge it. If the heat doesn't burn off too fast, it could become at least the second-highest grosser ever (right now that's Star Wars: Episode IV - A New Hope with $435 million). It's outpacing Pirates of the Caribbean 2 by nearly $40 million at this point, notable because that film ended up past $415 million and is the 6th highest grossing film of all time. What I'm trying to say is, Warner Brothers is raking in so much money, they can actually afford to gas up the batmobile.

2. Step-Brothers - $25 million

I warned you. Just remember that. I warned you.

3. Mamma Mia! - $17 million

Meryl Streep is an unstoppable juggernaut who will scissor-kick you in the face if you don't take your mom to see this movie. In the name of ABBA, this film will continue to rake in the dough.

4. X-Files: I Want to Believe - $15 million

I want things too, X-Files, but we don't always get our way. Turns out, making a movie based on a TV show that's been off the air for the decade isn't a safe financial bet.

5. Journey to the Center of the Earth - $7 million

It was a fight between Hancock and Journey to see who grabbed the fifth spot. I couldn't bring myself to care, so I picked the one that didn't feature a head-in-the-ass joke.

That's all for this week gang, see you next week for more shenanigans and tomfoolery.

Quick clips for Thursday July 24

OK, but only if Mariah Carey plays Dr. Frank-N-Furter

I'm not one of those people who are all tingly-woo about Rocky Horror Picture Show. I've been told that if I go to one of the interactive midnight screenings, I'll change my mind. Then again, some of these same people also tried to convince me Dane Cook was funny. At any rate, MTV is ready to breathe some contemporary funk (I'm referring to the smell, not the genre of music) into a remake of the cult classic. According to Variety, the film will use the original script but will also incorporate "music not featured in the original," which is a fancy way of saying we're in for Ne-Yo's R&B sensation "You Know What, I Think That Is a Dude." All I'm saying is that they had better find a place for Meatloaf. Lord help them if they dis the loaf.

Return to Whore Island

In a move that doesn't inspire confidence in Step-Brothers (which I see tonight), Entertainment Weekly reports that Will Ferrell and Adam McKay have announced plans to develop Anchorman 2. While we've all longed to see how Ron Burgandy would fare in the 1980s (and dreamed of Paul Rudd donning more Sex Panther...just me? okay), the fact that this news just happened to drop before the remarkably under-hyped Step-Brothers is the Hollywood equivalent of "Pay no attention to the direct-to-TBS comedy that's coming out tomorrow." Having laid a big-ole stinky egg with Semi-Pro, dropping another turd in America's cinematic toilet would make Ferrell only two degrees less desperate for a hit than Jim Carrey. For an in-depth look at the stank of desperation currently wafting around former "SNL" actors, check out Lowbrow Low Blow. Mmmm, I love the smell of shameless self-cross-referencing in the morning.

A little pee came out

Part of the fun of this blogging experience is covering stuff that wouldn't fit into the confines of The Reader proper, which isn't to say The Reader is proper because most of us have the manners of a drunken muskrat. At any rate, my wife and I have been watching all of "Alias" on DVD, which makes us sound incredibly pathetic...but hold on, it's my second time watching it all, which means I officially exceed incredibly pathetic and enter "supremely pathetic," a realm formerly occupied only by people who wear T-shirts that say things like "I got out of bed for this?" or "Who bought tickets to the gun show?"

At any rate, I partially engaged in this second viewing of Jennifer Garner's breakout hit (sorry, that should read only hit, not breakout) because I wanted to see how well it held together knowing how it ended. People bitched incessantly (the best kind of bitching) about the 4th season, which did kind of suck upon second watching but also recovered in the second half of the season. The other reason I agreed to watch some 105 episodes of a TV show again was because (beyond being really frakking good) "Alias" has some of the most incredible twists and turns ever and there are few things I enjoy as much as watching someone react to an awesome twist I know is coming (yes, I'm sure there's some kind of Freudian power trip going on there, but focus on the subject at hand).

So last night, after watching 4 seasons (nearly 100 hours), we finally got to the moment I had been waiting for my wife to see. As I sat there, waiting for the shock to set in, I began to doubt...could any reaction possibly be enough to reward this time investment? I'm here to say, yes...oh, dear God yes. As the shocking moment occurred, my wife screamed...not a yelp, not a yip, a full-on worry-that-the-neighbors-think-I'm-going-Christian-Bale-on-her yodel. She flew backward, covering her mouth and rocking back and forth, whimpering. Now that, ladies and gentleman, is a reaction.

I write this for two reasons: First, I wonder how many of you out there get that same sick pleasure in rewatching something with someone to see their reaction (laughter, shock, whatever). Second, I really want people to discover again how good "Alias" was because it was really, really, really good. So there's a pull quote for you to go out and Netflix "Alias," "So shocking, I think it made my wife pee a little."