Ryan's Junk Drawer

With great junk, comes great responsibility - "Better Off Ted"

I swear to you it feels like I was just talking about my junk yesterday. Oh, don't get me wrong, my junk is almost always on my mind, but since I save public discussion on the subject for just one day a week, it is odd that it seems like I was just telling everyone about it. This could be a function of me having been in a wedding-induced time warp from Thursday of last week until Tuesday of this week, a time-warp made of whiskey, beer, and bad decisions, or it could just be a function of me not being particularly smart. The jury's still out.

Now, as you know by this point, I use the term "junk" to refer to the various tidbits and nuggets that I compile once a week in lieu of composing four or five separate blog posts. I also use the term because it pleases the fifth grader that still lives inside my brain and laughs anytime someone says the word "duty," as in "You have a duty here." Heehee. We always kick off by looking at the image above that is clearly a serial killer's junk drawer, an image taken from Highlights Magazine FOR CHILDREN. I pick an object from said image, write a goofy story about it, then shuffle along like nothing happened. Why? Tough to say, really. I'm going with massive head injury at some point that I've forgotten about, probably due to the massive head injury.

Today's item is the white light in the upper middle. Ryan had been trying very hard to work lately, but he was suffering from creative constipation. Sadly, although there are thousands of medications to help raise "other" types of "junk," there are zero prescriptions designed around unblocking the blocked creative artery. Suddenly, Ryan realized that there was something else at work, something far more sinister. Quickly, he jumped up, ran to the junk drawer...and there it was: his inspiration. Someone had taken it from its normal resting place between his ears and relocated it to the junk drawer. With the creative constipation gone, everything returned to its normal flow.

Now, enough chicanery, let's get to it!

1.) Comic book movie-related reptile news (volume one) - We reported earlier this week (he says as though he wasn't beaten to the punch by every news organization and several kids at whatever school you attend) that Rhys Ifans had been hired on to play the villain in Spider-reboot. We didn't know which villain, but I assured you it wouldn't be the Lizard as some had speculated because the budget was too small to allow for an entirely CGI character, which is what that would entail. I couldn't promise which villain, but knew it wouldn't be that one. It wasn't going to be the Lizard. It's the Lizard. At least, that's what's being reported on various places across the Internets. Then again, those same places had Emma Stone a "lock" for Mary Jane, when she was actually cast as Gwen Stacy. Is it possible that this is right? Absolutely. Is it stupid. Yep. Because of the budget, he may end up looking like this:

But worse than that, the character doesn't make a lot of sense as a foundational bad guy if they're doing a full-on origin story. Unless they aren't. Unless they're doing a reboot that only resets everything back to a reasonable level. What if they're in college, not high school (this rumor has been circulating too), and what if we just see Peter as Spider-man already? We basically reset the cast and location, but maybe do the "origin" as a flashback? The Lizard still doesn't make much sense there, but it works better. Is this true? Have I cracked some kind of code? Is there going to be more than one villain thus negating any significance of this anyway? No one knows anything at this point. So, let's just continue with wild speculation because it's fun.

2.) Comic book movie-related reptile news (volume 2) - Tom Hardy is your bad guy in Batman 3. Actually, that's not even confirmed. Jeezaloo do we speculate like mad. Tom Hardy, the buff and cool guy from Inception, is going to appear as SOMEONE in Batman 3, which I'm guessing will be called The Dark Knight Returns even if it doesn't actually follow that storyline because marketing will want them to capitalize on the brand recognition of the last movie. Mark Millar, professional liar and comic book hobbyist, has suggested that he's playing a bad guy and then specified what bad guy Hardy would be.
Killer Croc. As much as I trust Millar, which is not one bit at all on anything, this seems to be nonsense. Or does it? The original incarnation of Killer Croc was as a shadowy mafia figure, which does fit into the world that's been created on screen thus far. Plus, if there are two villains this time, it would be a nice balance to have the physically imposing, visually striking Croc-based character along with The Riddler, who is the obvious choice for the other baddie. Let me just toss this one out there: (A) It's not reasonable to have two major superhero sequels both use lizard-based bad guys. (B) Is it possible that some wires were crossed and that The Lizard ISN'T in the Spidey reboot but Killer Croc was what was being spoken of? (C) This is a really weird news week. Really reptilian. I don't like it.

3.) WTF? Mo MIBs? - The cast for MIB3 keeps getting better. Yeah, I know, I'm shocked too. In addition to the obligatory Smithage and expected Jonesing, we're getting Josh Brolin and Emma Thompson. That would be significant, but now comes word that we're getting a triumvirate of interesting.

We've got Sharlto Copely, Alec Baldwin, and Gemma "Yum Yum" Arterton all signing on for some level of involvement. Obviously, Gemma is there to entice, Sharlto is there because he's now synonymous with aliens, and Baldwin is there to bring the funny. Are these cameos? Are they actual roles? Could this be the good film in the series that finally capitalizes on the limitless potential of the franchise? Will I ever answer any of the questions I am relentlessly asking today?

4.) Good news for, um, volleyball enthusiasts - They're still trying to do some measure of Top Gun 2. Right now the plan is to have a small role for Tom Cruise (get it, because he's a wee person), but that can be expanded if he's interested. If I were him...whoa, let's not go there. The number of things I would do are just overwhelming. Let's just say he should do this, and not just because the gay community really, really wants more volleyball from Top Gun.



He should agree because his career needs a lift. If Sylvester Stallone can will The Expendables to $100 million, Cruise should easily vault that mark with a Top Gun sequel and declare himself back on top. And by back on top, I refer you again to that volleyball scene.

5.) Trailers, parked - These trailers aren't that exciting. I'm only putting them here because that's what I'm expected to do. I'm not happy about it.

The Way Back is Peter Weir's directorial return and involves the Gulag. It looks standard and predictable. I told you this wasn't overwhelming.


Blue Valentine does look very, very, very good, so I shouldn't have said it was underwhelming. It features Michelle Williams, who doesn't get enough respect, and Ryan Gosling, who I thought was dead given his on-screen absence. It got an NC-17 for some reason involving sex, but that will change because it has a chance at acting Oscars. I apologize for saying I wasn't thrilled about this movie. I just didn't get excited to show you the trailer is all.

Okay, that's it for my junk. Until next time, which I'm sure will feel like tomorrow, I bid you adieu. Oh, and let's meet up tomorrow to talk about the weekend, okay?

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This Ryan knows Jack!

Warning, this post is written about a Ryan about a character named Jack Ryan and features a director named Jack. If you're still with me, good for you it wasn't that complicated. The evolution of Jack Ryan is shown here:
You start out with early 90s Alec Baldwin, infused with the wild sexuality of a mountain lion on viagra, far from calling his daughter a pig on her voicemail and getting to touch Tina Fey on the regular. Then you go to in-his-prime Harrison Ford, back when he could still run and jump like a girl and act surly without appearing to be a grumpy old man. They you have Ben Affleck who had yet to be remade by sharing a bed with Jennifer Garner and had yet to discover his true life calling was directing. Finally, you have the new Jack Ryan, Chris Pine, who was supposed to blow up like a Klingon sex bomb after Star Trek and instead has not done anything. Well the big announcement now is that Jack Bender, who directed the best episodes of "Lost" and "Alias" is going to likely direct Moscow, the prequelicious return to the spy series. I say huzzah. Why? Because it's more fun to say than "cool." Also, because espionage movies are the shit. Salt is killing it right now and isn't anything special at all really. It's just good fun with international intrigue. I liked Jack Ryan at every single point really, so huzzah to his fourth resurrection!!

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It's official: The Oscars have doubled everything

When the announcement was made to double stuff the Best Picture category at the Oscars to a mind-boggling 10 movies (I know some critics who pretend they didn't like that many movies in a decade), I was alarmed. Not because I don't think it's a good idea (it's kind of a good idea, but I also trust they can screw up 10 spots like they screwed up 5 for years) but because I thought it was a sign that the Academy was addressing sluggish ratings by excess...which is kind of what turned people off in the first place. Glad to see that my concerns are totally unfounded, as the Academy has opted for two hosts this year instead of the regular one. Steve Martin, who was funny 20 or more years ago and is now a sad parody of himself, and Alec Baldwin, who is pitch-perfect for the gig and should have gotten the job solo, will schitck and move for the approximate 17 hours that the ceremony will last. If anyone's set up an over/under Vegas bet on self-absorbed egotistical jokes, my guess is eleventy billion. Martin wasn't even funny when he was on the funniest show on television with Alec awile back ("30 Rock"), so I don't hold out a lot of hope that this will be anything other than lukewarm, occasionally obnoxious hosting interspersed with a few moments of genuine levity from Baldwin. Geez, how sad is it when I legitimately consider Alec Baldwin to be funnier than a guy who has done comedy his whole life. Of course, this pairing eliminates my suggestions, which included Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck (the ceremony would last 4 minutes before Sean Penn devoured both Dawn of the Dead style), Jon Gossling and the corpse of Michael Jackson (you know, for the ratings), and Bjork (for funsies).

If at third you don't succeed...

For those who haven't had the pleasure, Star Trek will soon be gracing us on home video and should be watched and watched and watched and watched until you are asked to stop by an angry, jealous William Shatner. It's very good, and one of the reasons for this goodness is Christopher Pine, who made Captain James T Kirk more than just some modern Shat-tastic impression but an actual (gasp) character. He was suave, smooth, funny...and apparently beguiling to both sexes. I mention all of this because Variety reports that Pine may be the new Jack Ryan. Pine would be adding his name to the list of actors to play hot potato with the role. Including The Hunt for Red October, Patriot Games, Clear and Present Danger, and The Sum of All Fears, we've had three Jack Ryans, each willing to only take the role briefly. So, Christopher Pine, with the world at your fingertips, let's show you who's role you're inheriting, shall we?

First was this guy:

Shown here with his optional chest carpet, Hairy McChestington (aka Alec Baldwin) held the role for but one film...a film in which Sean Connery used his accent to play a Russian. Um, okay.

Next came

Shown here with his optional "how can I be old, do you see this earring?" accessory, Harrison Ford was the dedicated workhorse of the series, doing two whole episodes in which he jumped funny and pointed his finger.

Then you have

Shown here with his optional detachable jaw and ALL of the hamburgers, Ben Affleck did one of his better "leading man" jobs in The Sum of All Fears.

Will Chris Pine be able to stand into the role of these titans of manhood? Only time will tell. Also, the Ben Affleck picture made me both nauseous and hungry, if that's possible.