Ryan's Junk Drawer

With great junk, comes great responsibility - "Better Off Ted"

I kind of hate this week. It's been all full of weirdness and weak. It's a weak, weird week. Look at what it's done to me! I'm jibbering and jabbering and I don't even know what I'm talking about. It's time to get myself together, if for no other reason than this is the day I expose my junk to you. It may be someone's first time seeing my junk this week, and I want to make a good first impression. Because once someone has an impression about your junk, they will tell EVERYBODY that impression. "Oh, his junk is lame." I don't want that. I can't have people out there saying "Have you seen Ryan's Junk? I have, and it is not good." I want people to say how magnificent it was, how you were surprised at all it contained!

Obviously, I'm talking about my figurative junk...as in the movie news that I deem too small to warrant a full blog post. I realize that it sounded like I was talking about something else, but this is a PG-13 rated site at best. Okay, sometimes I dabble my toes in the R-rated waters...but it always feels like someone peed in that side of the pool. Anyway, as you know, we begin every weekly edition of my Junk Drawer column by looking at the creepy-ass image above from Highlights Magazine FOR CHILDREN and picking an item I write a goofy story about.

Today's item is the green and red tube in the lower right corner. Knowing full well the cycle of fads, what with the resurgence of skinny jeans and such, Karen knew that if she prepared herself, she could be ahead of the game. Armed with a bedazzler, limited sewing ability, and a passion for ridiculous accessories, she began amassing a staggering number of glittery, fuzzy leg warmers. She couldn't for the life of her figure out why people had stopped wearing them in the first place, what with how your shins felt like you were wearing pants even though you weren't and the awesome, raw, potent sexuality they unleashed. She knew it was only a matter of time before the populous awoke and realized that the only thing that would spell their thirst for sweater sleeves you wear on your legs were legwarmers! And she would be ready. Oh yes. She would be ready.

Okay, enough Tomfoolery and shenanigans. Let's get physical! Here's the Junk Drawer items for this week.

1.) Everything goes exactly as expected. Zzzzzzzzzzzzz - These bits of news were splashed across everyone else's Web site yesterday. But I stand from the pack. I mean, do you see other sites out there spending a good portion of time inventing stories about leg warmers and writing suggestive introductions about their junk? I didn't think so. Look, I didn't report on these things in depth because I find both of them as shocking as when CNN pundits press a button that turns Kentucky red on an electoral map. Here we go. Peter Jackson will, in fact, shoot The Hobbit in New Zealand despite all sorts of previous problems with labor unions (sorry, this is about New Zealand, so I think I have to use the foreign labour spelling, because nothing says "we ain't in America" like an unneeded U). Yippee! Look, it's good news because the films will look the same and it should be filmed there, just for consistency, but honestly did anyone think they wouldn't be? Put your hand down Guy Who Falls For Got Your Nose.

The other boring news is that James Cameron will be doing Avatar 2 and 3 next.
First off, this is so stupid that he should be forced to have the guy on the right in this picture follow him around during the entire production of these films. "I LOVE THE NAVI SO MUCH I JUST WANT TO BE ONE! Also, I really want Dave Matthews to get back to his roots, you know." Seriously, take off the face paint and that guy looks like the date rapist in a "Law and Order: SVU" episode. Anyway, I don't care to see sequels to these films, and just because he said these are his next movies that doesn't mean anything. Given his track record with his "next" project, we could be waiting until 2024. And by waiting, I mean not caring.

2.) Double-decker Cruise news - Maybe that should read "upper decker" Cruise news because both ideas are kind of stinky. Cristopher McQuarrie, who shall be forever loved in my book because he wrote The Usual Suspects, says that Maverick is the lead in Top Gun 2. That's in direct opposition to rumors that Tom Cruise would only cameo in the film. Is he willing to do a full-on sequel? I mean, I guess so. It's not like he's too big to ignore the possibility now. I can't wait to return to the character of Maverick, who has such a rich tapestry of emotions to demonstrate...like boning hot chicks and being angry. I hope the villain is somehow Meg Ryan. That would be awesome. Oh, and in the second half of this news, Cruise was offered a role in the big screen Rock of Ages, which I'm told is a musical about rock music but sounds like it would give me ear herpes.

Tommy loved that joke. Anyway, I don't know if he can sing (no, no he can't), I don't know if he can dance (no, no he can't), but he may take this because he apparently really wants to sing and dance. Look for his wife to be given some role in it as well, which is great news because she needs to come up for air soon or she'll die.

3.) I want Harley Quinn. My ideas are the best. - You have no idea how much I want to be right about the upcoming plot for The Dark Knight Rises. I know I'm probably not, but hear me out. We know that Chris Nolan is meeting with young actresses. The assumption is Catwoman or a new love interest. The process is so secretive that not even the people auditioning know what they're auditioning for. I so badly want it to be Harley Quinn. Let me tell you how this would work and why it would be awesome.

How it would work: We know that Nolan has said his plan was to have the Joker return in the next film before Heath Ledger died. We know that he won't replace the role. We also know that, within the film, the Joker was HOPING that Batman would kill him at the end. That was part of his end game, trying to make Batman lower himself. I like the idea that there may have been a plot past that. As in, the Joker either had a contingency plan for if Batman only captured him or a next step if Batman killed him. Either way, he's out of the picture, which would mean that he couldn't be the guy doing stuff. So why not have it set up for someone else to take over the Joker's plan. It's reasonable and consistent with the character as presented to believe that he would have seen this coming. Don't make this a revenge movie where his girlfriend takes up his mantle, make this a logical extension of the last film.
Okay, why it's awesome. Because it keeps things consistent, because it lets you play with the themes you wanted to play with, because its unexpected!!! But beyond that, two more good reasons. 1 - It would automatically represent a great female character for Nolan, who has been accused of not having too many of those. 2 - It would avoid the cliches of every other major villain you could think of. I love this idea. I hope that this is actually what's happening even though I'm sure it's not. Nolan, it isn't too late! Make this happen!

4.) Zach Galifianakis gets my dream job - He's going to play with Muppets. We don't know the role, some have speculated he'll just be a voice. We don't know how big that role will be, but he's only going to be involved for a few days of shooting according to rumors. All I know is that his sense of humor is so completely perfect for the off-kilter universe of Muppets that it makes my heart almost as happy as this:

Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis: Sean Penn from Between Two Ferns

If this was a daily segment it would be the best part of every day. Anyway, Zacky-G is going to chill with the fuzzy folks. All is right with the world.

5.) Trailers, Parked - Two weird ones for you this week. First up is Rare Exports, a movie that involves a creepy take on Santa. It isn't your goofy slasher Santa movie, but a dark comedic/serious take on the origins of the child judger. Lord does this intrigue me.


Brother's Justice is another mockumentary, and I'm pretty much over them. It looks kind of funny, and I like the folks involved, I just can't really get all that jazzed over anything that looks like this anymore. Oh, I'll probably see it, but I ain't all tingly about it.


Okay, that's it gang. Hopefully a weird week means a great weekend, so let's hook up tomorrow to talk weekend plans. Have a great Thursday.

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Double dose of interesting lies/truth

One of these things (possibly both) is probably true. One of these things (possibly both) is probably false. Let's play "Guess What We're In For!"

First up is an extension of a rumor we spoke about last week. Looks like Top Gun 2 is happening. The twist is, Tony Scott is supposedly considering directing it. He doesn't want a remake or a reboot, he wants, as he says "a new thing." So I assume that means less blatant homoeroticism and a plot that doesn't involve the Russkies? If this happens, which is possible maybe even probable, with Scott at the helm, look for his shaky cam, hyper-cuts to make things so confusing you can't even tell when they're flying or not.

Second, and the one you should probably put your money on as being a load of Bantha poodoo, Lucas is supposedly considering more Star Wars movies.

We do this from time to time. We get so nostalgic for the series (the way it used to be), so bummed that what we got from the prequels was underwhelming, that we invent these possibilities of the man returning to form and redeeming himself and the franchise with a new series of films that will never, ever, never-ever happen. Supposedly, someone leaked that these would not involve the Skywalker clan and would take place far into the Star Wars universe's future. Ooh! I know, maybe they can have a group of robots and humanoids crash land on a prehistoric earth, since the first series took place "long ago." Maybe they can secretly abandon technology and start humanity on earth as we know it. Congratulations, Lucas, you can't get to that bad idea first.

Obviously, the free answer to our little game is that as much as we desperately want the redemption of a great new slate of Star Wars films, that's not going to happen. Especially not with fat human Ewok up there at the helm. I get chills watching video game commercials that are set within that universe because they so completely seem to get the feel that we all love. Lucas is surrounded by those who gets it but doesn't himself. It's kind of like the Emperor has no clothes, only the emperor has a neckbeard in this case.

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Ryan's Junk Drawer

With great junk, comes great responsibility - "Better Off Ted"

I swear to you it feels like I was just talking about my junk yesterday. Oh, don't get me wrong, my junk is almost always on my mind, but since I save public discussion on the subject for just one day a week, it is odd that it seems like I was just telling everyone about it. This could be a function of me having been in a wedding-induced time warp from Thursday of last week until Tuesday of this week, a time-warp made of whiskey, beer, and bad decisions, or it could just be a function of me not being particularly smart. The jury's still out.

Now, as you know by this point, I use the term "junk" to refer to the various tidbits and nuggets that I compile once a week in lieu of composing four or five separate blog posts. I also use the term because it pleases the fifth grader that still lives inside my brain and laughs anytime someone says the word "duty," as in "You have a duty here." Heehee. We always kick off by looking at the image above that is clearly a serial killer's junk drawer, an image taken from Highlights Magazine FOR CHILDREN. I pick an object from said image, write a goofy story about it, then shuffle along like nothing happened. Why? Tough to say, really. I'm going with massive head injury at some point that I've forgotten about, probably due to the massive head injury.

Today's item is the white light in the upper middle. Ryan had been trying very hard to work lately, but he was suffering from creative constipation. Sadly, although there are thousands of medications to help raise "other" types of "junk," there are zero prescriptions designed around unblocking the blocked creative artery. Suddenly, Ryan realized that there was something else at work, something far more sinister. Quickly, he jumped up, ran to the junk drawer...and there it was: his inspiration. Someone had taken it from its normal resting place between his ears and relocated it to the junk drawer. With the creative constipation gone, everything returned to its normal flow.

Now, enough chicanery, let's get to it!

1.) Comic book movie-related reptile news (volume one) - We reported earlier this week (he says as though he wasn't beaten to the punch by every news organization and several kids at whatever school you attend) that Rhys Ifans had been hired on to play the villain in Spider-reboot. We didn't know which villain, but I assured you it wouldn't be the Lizard as some had speculated because the budget was too small to allow for an entirely CGI character, which is what that would entail. I couldn't promise which villain, but knew it wouldn't be that one. It wasn't going to be the Lizard. It's the Lizard. At least, that's what's being reported on various places across the Internets. Then again, those same places had Emma Stone a "lock" for Mary Jane, when she was actually cast as Gwen Stacy. Is it possible that this is right? Absolutely. Is it stupid. Yep. Because of the budget, he may end up looking like this:

But worse than that, the character doesn't make a lot of sense as a foundational bad guy if they're doing a full-on origin story. Unless they aren't. Unless they're doing a reboot that only resets everything back to a reasonable level. What if they're in college, not high school (this rumor has been circulating too), and what if we just see Peter as Spider-man already? We basically reset the cast and location, but maybe do the "origin" as a flashback? The Lizard still doesn't make much sense there, but it works better. Is this true? Have I cracked some kind of code? Is there going to be more than one villain thus negating any significance of this anyway? No one knows anything at this point. So, let's just continue with wild speculation because it's fun.

2.) Comic book movie-related reptile news (volume 2) - Tom Hardy is your bad guy in Batman 3. Actually, that's not even confirmed. Jeezaloo do we speculate like mad. Tom Hardy, the buff and cool guy from Inception, is going to appear as SOMEONE in Batman 3, which I'm guessing will be called The Dark Knight Returns even if it doesn't actually follow that storyline because marketing will want them to capitalize on the brand recognition of the last movie. Mark Millar, professional liar and comic book hobbyist, has suggested that he's playing a bad guy and then specified what bad guy Hardy would be.
Killer Croc. As much as I trust Millar, which is not one bit at all on anything, this seems to be nonsense. Or does it? The original incarnation of Killer Croc was as a shadowy mafia figure, which does fit into the world that's been created on screen thus far. Plus, if there are two villains this time, it would be a nice balance to have the physically imposing, visually striking Croc-based character along with The Riddler, who is the obvious choice for the other baddie. Let me just toss this one out there: (A) It's not reasonable to have two major superhero sequels both use lizard-based bad guys. (B) Is it possible that some wires were crossed and that The Lizard ISN'T in the Spidey reboot but Killer Croc was what was being spoken of? (C) This is a really weird news week. Really reptilian. I don't like it.

3.) WTF? Mo MIBs? - The cast for MIB3 keeps getting better. Yeah, I know, I'm shocked too. In addition to the obligatory Smithage and expected Jonesing, we're getting Josh Brolin and Emma Thompson. That would be significant, but now comes word that we're getting a triumvirate of interesting.

We've got Sharlto Copely, Alec Baldwin, and Gemma "Yum Yum" Arterton all signing on for some level of involvement. Obviously, Gemma is there to entice, Sharlto is there because he's now synonymous with aliens, and Baldwin is there to bring the funny. Are these cameos? Are they actual roles? Could this be the good film in the series that finally capitalizes on the limitless potential of the franchise? Will I ever answer any of the questions I am relentlessly asking today?

4.) Good news for, um, volleyball enthusiasts - They're still trying to do some measure of Top Gun 2. Right now the plan is to have a small role for Tom Cruise (get it, because he's a wee person), but that can be expanded if he's interested. If I were him...whoa, let's not go there. The number of things I would do are just overwhelming. Let's just say he should do this, and not just because the gay community really, really wants more volleyball from Top Gun.



He should agree because his career needs a lift. If Sylvester Stallone can will The Expendables to $100 million, Cruise should easily vault that mark with a Top Gun sequel and declare himself back on top. And by back on top, I refer you again to that volleyball scene.

5.) Trailers, parked - These trailers aren't that exciting. I'm only putting them here because that's what I'm expected to do. I'm not happy about it.

The Way Back is Peter Weir's directorial return and involves the Gulag. It looks standard and predictable. I told you this wasn't overwhelming.


Blue Valentine does look very, very, very good, so I shouldn't have said it was underwhelming. It features Michelle Williams, who doesn't get enough respect, and Ryan Gosling, who I thought was dead given his on-screen absence. It got an NC-17 for some reason involving sex, but that will change because it has a chance at acting Oscars. I apologize for saying I wasn't thrilled about this movie. I just didn't get excited to show you the trailer is all.

Okay, that's it for my junk. Until next time, which I'm sure will feel like tomorrow, I bid you adieu. Oh, and let's meet up tomorrow to talk about the weekend, okay?

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Toppest Gun

The funniest line in Hot Shots, the unnecessary Top Gun spoof, comes when a bunch of pilots climb into their jets for a training session and one of them yells "Come on guys, let's see who's the best!" It's the way he says it that kills me. You could have had just that one scene and it would have effectively mocked Top Gun all that it needed to be mocked. I mean, all it needed to be mocked other than the now well-recognized fact that it was far ahead of its time in terms of mainstream homosexual eroticism.



I think I know a generation of Republican congressmen who grew up watching that movie...you know, for the fight scenes...yeah...the fight scenes. Get excited, closeted self-haters, because MTV.com recently spoke with suddenly struggling super-producer Jerry Bruckheimer (Prince of Persia flopped, Confessions of a Shopaholic flopped, The Sorcerer's Apprentice is just sitting there, waiting to flop). He more or less said that if someone can come up with a reasonable way to do it, there's nothing stopping a Top Gun 2. Considering that Knight and Day was supposed to be the final determining factor of whether or not Tommy boy got his Mission Impossible 4 greenlit (which I so, so, so badly hope happens because I loved the last one and I can't wait to see Brad Bird directing actual humans), and considering it semi-flopped, there's reason to believe the time may be perfect for the two flopping floppers to reunite and correct their floppage. I have to say, I'd be all in favor of a Top Gun 2 (and not just to see how far they could take the volleyball scene in the modern era). The effects have come so far, and it's not like the story was so brilliant, the characters so endearing to us, that we can't imagine sullying them by bringing them back. I say do it. I say Maverick redeems himself and gets his rugged, manly game of topless volleyball on to once more save us all!