Web of Lies: Casting old farts

Well, it was a matter of time before we moved from casting hotness like this:
To casting hotness like this:
And this:
The new Spider-man movie is apparently determined to cast things as on-the-nose as possible and has selected Sally Field and Martin Sheen (supposedly) to play Aunt May and Uncle Ben, respectively (wouldn't it be great if it was the other way around...now THAT would be some inspired casting). Whatever. I mean, it works. I like both of them as actors, it was just nice to see some people we weren't as familiar with in those roles so they could really become them as people. Don't get me wrong, after all those years as President Bartlett, if Sheen commanded me to do anything, I would respond "I serve at the pleasure of the President" and run into traffic or whatever. It's just...sigh...you know the cast is finally rounded out, and I like Emma Stone (that's an understatement) and think Andrew Garfield could do a nice job, even though he looks nothing like Peter in my opinion. But the villain is Rhys Ifans...who is The Lizard...who kind of sucks as a villain. And they're using Gwen Stacy...but she's played by a girl who should be MJ. And they're casting good actors in the adult roles...but they're so familiar and obvious. Look, it's just that if you're going to REBOOT things, it would be nice to see some creativity. That's all. This by-the-books stuff is just exhausting.

Follow me on Twitter.

Web of Lies: Halfway to a good decision

And a good Friday morning to you, my sweet bloggies. If you're reading this, I just assume you watched "Community" and "30 Rock" last night. How great were those shows last night? This great.


"Because boobies, we got em." "Dogs used to eat me, but now they bring the paper in." Yeah, just incredible stuff. And the scene where everything you thought they'd take multiple episodes to reveal all came out: Ah-Maze-Ing. "30 Rock" had some great moments of it's own, including a hilarious "Mentalist" tote bag joke.

So combine my 2-0 Chicago Bears with hilarious Thursday night shows and today being Friday and you get a great mood that someone in Hollywood must sense. The scoop is this: we have our female leads for Spider-man: We're Going to Reboot This Shit Whether We Need to or Not. What? It's still a catchier title than "Turn Off the Dark" (apologies to U2). Supposedly, the following ladies have been reading with Andrew Garfield.

Mia Wasikowska (best known for Tim Burton's sucktastic suckfest Alice in Wonderland)

Emma MF Stone (best known for being insanely talented, hot, and generally awesome)

Obviously, we have ourselves Gwen Stacy and Mary Jane, right? I don't know about the former, as all I've seen her in was a movie that made Johnny Depp look stupid. The latter, that's just pitch-perfect casting yo. The problem is going to be getting me to believe I'd want the former and not the latter because, hello look at Emma Stone. But you know what, that works for the characters. MJ was always the hottie party girl and Gwen was the sweet girl next door. What's interesting about this casting is that, if it's true (and remember, it almost never is), are they setting us up to see Gwen get offed? I mean, Stone is CLEARLY the more known actress and as hot as she is right now, I doubt she'd be willing to play "supporting actress number 2" seeing as "supporting actress number 1" is usually not given more to do than run around, get kidnapped, and get water poured on her shirt in a superhero movie. Call me interested, as this may indicate they are at least considering the storyline that broke my heart and made me a man. Not like that.

Follow me on Twitter.

Web of Lies: Who's gonna be Spidey's gal

We're going to be doing a lot more talkity-talk talk about ole web head coming up here. Not only is the musical made from my imagination, featuring the music of U2 (oddly, it is the soundtrack of every dream I've ever had), going to debut on Broadway soon, but we're heating up fast on the production of the new Spidey reboot, an event unparalleled in its potential to infuriate me. The most interesting thing about the interesting thing I'm about to tell you comes down to what isn't happening: The shortlist for Spidey's "love interest" is being circulated. Note that I said "love interest" and not "Mary Jane." Why? Because it isn't Mary Jane. Didn't I tell you that was interesting? Whether this is Gwen Stacy (it is) or not (it is) nobody is saying (but it totally is), at least not officially (but unofficially, come the hell on, it is). This would excite me if the whole thing weren't being compared to Twilight by some industry folks, and if the dude behind the massively overpraised 500 Days of Summer weren't doing it...and if it weren't an origin story...and if they were going to focus on superhero stuff and not love interests...and I could do this all day.

But you didn't come here to hear me kvetch (actually, you probably did). Here's the short-list along with some photos for reference of the people considered to be Spidey's new love interest:

Imogene Poots
Experience: played Young Valerie in V for Vendetta, Tammy in 28 Weeks Later, Allyson in Solitary Man, Arianne in Centurion, Eva in Chatroom and Amy in the upcoming remake of Fright Night

Thoughts: She looks innocent and young, does evoke Gwen Stacy-like qualities, fairly generic, has a hilarious last name.

Ophelia Lovibond


Experience: Played Marie Kennedy in Nowhere Boy.

Thoughts: Looks more like Betty Brant than Gwen Stacy (not not just her hair color), relatively little experience, looks slightly older, is also a Brit (meaning we would be handing over both Spidey AND his lady to the limeys)

Teresa Palmer

Experience: The Sorcerer’s Apprentice and the upcoming adaptation of I Am Number Four.

Thoughts: Generic blonde, fairly obvious, willingness to star with Nicholas Cage indicates possible mental imbalance.

Lily Collins

Experience: Played Collins in The Blind Side, Kate in the upcoming film Abduction and Lucy in Priest, as well as Phoebe in the new "90210" television series.

Thoughts: Looks like a cute mouse, too "model"-esque, starred alongside Sandra Bullock when she won an Oscar (thus may be partially responsible for that travesty)

Emma Roberts


Experience: who played Addie on the television series "Unfabulous," and Poppy in Wild Child, Molly in Twelve, Grace in Valentine’s Day, and has parts in the upcoming films Scream 4 and It’s Kind of a Funny Story.

Thoughts: More Mary Jane looking, is the most likely choice, is related to Julia Roberts (all hail nepotism), talks a lot in interviews about how she won't do nudity even when nobody is asking her to

Mary Elizabeth Winstead
Experience: Scott Pilgrim vs the World and Live Free or Die Hard.

Thoughts: Clearly best choice, incredible talent and poise, rumored to be already out of the running (of course)

Donald Glover
Experience: "Community," Derrek Comedy, my dreams

Thoughts: Well, if Spider-man can't be a black guy, can he at least DATE a black guy? You laugh, but I think I'm on to something.

More to come as it happens.

Follow me on Twitter!

Web of Lies: Brian Michael Bendis...don't give me false hope

Latino Review noticed that "Ultimate Spider-Man" scribe Brian Michael Bendis had tweeted "Just spent a very interesting morning at Sony with the entire spidey movie team!! Very very cool stuff!!" Latino Review then proceeded to write an article in which they referred to Brian Mendes being involved with the new Spider-man reboot (not Brian BENDIS). This isn't funny to many people, but it made me chortle. I thought about some schlub who is like a distant cousin of director Sam Mendes jumping up and yelling "NOW IT'S MY TURN!!! THANK YOU GOD, IT'S MY TURN!" Look, whether or not Bendis is involved (or Mendes...teehee), this new movie will likely suck. It's probable that they just brought the comic writer in to give a few general pointers and then immediately went back to casting actors from the Twilight franchise and crapping all over a beautiful character. The things that make the Ultimate Spidey series work in the comics COULD so easily be plugged into a movie version, and Bendis IS the guy who could do a revision on the script and make Peter Parker sound like a reasonable teenager and not some emo chode who walks around whining and lusting after vapid starlets. It's probably not going to happen though. Here's what I don't get...I mean, what I don't get beyond them rebooting a billion dollar, successful franchise. I don't get why they don't just pick up Bendis's long run on the comic, choose one of the better storylines (NOT THE ORIGIN STORYLINE DAMMIT), and use the comic as a straight-up storyboard. If they did that, they'd make a good movie. So maybe that's why they don't want to. FYI: The budget of the new Spidey reboot is only $80 million. But what Bendis is known for is cramming waaaay too much of the talky talk and not enough of the action. Seriously, his shit is PERFECT for this movie. So it won't happen.

Web of Lies: Let's talk about grit, baby.

The stupidity currently flowing out of Sony Pictures should be bottled and sold to smart people who "want to get away from it all" or dropped on our enemies in other countries so that they will annihilate themselves by licking electrical sockets. The decision to scrap Spider-Man 4 and release Sam Raimi, Tobey Maguire, and Kirsten Dunst is frustrating (sorry, the decision to release Raimi and Maguire is frustrating), but pales in comparison to Sony's proclaimed next move. According to EW, the latest move wasn't some spur-of-the-moment decision: They've been planning a reboot for awhile now either in case what just happened were to happen or as the next film to follow the fourth one. They've had this plan in place to the point that they have a script already...and not just any script, an origin story...and not just any origin story, a "gritty" and "contemporary" story. To quote Jules Winfield from Pulp Fiction, "Well, allow me to retort."

Dear Sony,

Making a "gritty" and "contemporary" Spider-man is a lot like making a sexier Dora the Explorer or a less violent UFC. During the more than 10 years you've owned the rights to this franchise, have you ever read a single Spidey comic? If you were able to stop Scrooge McDuck-ing around, swimming in your gold coins, you may have glanced at even a cover and realized that Spidey's whole gig is not being "gritty." He's anti-gritty. That's his thing. It'd be like making a movie about Ghandi and having him tote a machine gun. It's that against the character. Is there a chance that James Vanderbilt's script doesn't suck and that people are blowing these angles out of proportion? Sure. But this is the guy who last wrote Zodiac, a serial killer movie, and the direction you seem to be suggesting is a move to follow Batman, which Spider-man isn't. Yes, they're both heroes with "man" in their names, but other than that they are diametrical opposites. Look, I stuck by this film series when you switched from mechanical shooters to organic ones, when you cast Kirsten Dunst, when you made Spider-man 3!!! But what you are clearly gearing up to do is a maneuver so stupid that whenever I refer to somebody doing something stupid in the future, I'll likely refer to it as "pulling a Sony." And the three directors rumored have to be a joke. Marc Webb, who shares only a pun-laden name with this project, has only really done the incredibly average (500) Days of Summer. Gary Ross did Seabiscuit. And then there's the third name...the one that will cause me to engage in such verbal acts of hatred I can't help but pray it never happens: Michael Bay. I am not a man of violence, but so help me Sony if this happens and I'm in an elevator with whoever made that decision...pain...lots of pain. There's still hope for you simpletons, for you glue-sniffing paint eaters. Instead of promising a "return to high-school" for Spidey AND a "gritty" movie, just go with the former. Don't do an origin story (we got it already), don't make this a Batman retread. Keep the spirit of fun, cast Anton Yelchin, hire a director with a sense of whimsy and play (what about Jason Reitman?), take some time to speak with the guys who WRITE THE COMICS AT MARVEL (look how much good press they got for Iron Man), and don't biff this up.

Listen, I spent the better part of my life waiting to see Spider-man on the big screen. I was thwarted time and again by idiots like you doing crap like this. Stop it. Just, stop it. You like money, right? You want a ton of it? Make a good movie that appeals to everyone, not a shoe-horned attempt to make Spidey into Batman.

To recap: Stop everything you're doing because you suck and if you hire Michael Bay someone gets hurt.

Thanks.