Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

Folks, I'm about to go on vacation for like 2 weeks. I wouldn't be more excited if the Bears were still in playoff contention...okay, yes I would. Point is, I'll keep on blogging as often as possible, but the times are going to be irregular from here on out. Not that you care, but I do. I am so happy. Happy, happy, happy. Thus, the box office prediction haikus may not be as bitter this week! Yay.

Here is how I see the weekend shaking out (haiku style):

1.) Avatar - $79 million

Warrior smurf time!
3D effects should be great...
but not the writing.

2.) The Princess and the Frog - $19 million

Enchanting for kids
Entertaining for adults
I loved this movie.

3.) The Blind Side - $13 million

Oh, Sandra Bullock,
a DOUBLE Golden Glober.
Who would have thought it?

4.) Did You Hear About the Morgans? - $12 million

Bad choice of title.
It gives me too many jokes.
Like "Yes, and they suck."

5.) Invictus - $7 million

No award love here?
If it can't score Golden Globes,
it WON'T score Oscars.

WILDCARD - A Christmas Carol - $7 million

It just keeps going.
The "hit" I tend to forget.
It will be gone soon.

Okay, that's it folks. I could not be more excited for a Friday. Good luck out there shopping, and I'll catch you later.

Weekend Box Office Results: My dead heart feels joy

I've had a rough few weeks for being chipper. Between car troubles, a schedule that has prevented Christmas preparation, and now a plumbing leak, I'm ready to off Cindy Lou Who with a hatchet. Yet, it brings my cold, dead Heston-esque heart joy to see that The Princess and the Frog is the number one movie this week. How pleasing that a sweet, hand-drawn tale claimed the crown (and will hopefully keep raking in money). Why, it's enough to make one want to pen poetry.

Here are the results (haiku style):

1.) The Princess and the Frog - $25 million (Accuracy of prediction - 80%)

This is a classic,
for once Disney didn't err
when it came to race!

2.) The Blind Side - $15 million (Accuracy of prediction - 90%)

You can't stop Sandra.
You can only contain her.
This is her world now.

3.) Invictus - $9 million (Accuracy of prediction - 65%)

Nelson Mandela?
Clint Eastwood and Matt Damon?
How is this not first?

4.) Twilight: New Moon - $8 million (Accuracy of prediction - 94%)

Last week...THE LAST WEEK!
I will suffer no longer.
Be gone vile movie.

5.) A Christmas Carol - $6.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 96%)

It just keeps going.
I'll never be free of this.
But it's not New Moon!!!!

Overall Accuracy of Prediction - 85%

Not a bad outing.
I oft overestimate.
I'm an optimist.

Okay, that's it, I'm off to fix leaks and cry.

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

If there's a skip in my step and a wiggle in my waggle, it's only because this is probably the last week Twilight: New Moon will be haiku captured. That's right, as of next week, we return to 100% angstwolf/bipolarvamp free coverage...can I get an AMEN? This week also sees the return of Disney's hand-drawn animation and Morgan Freeman as Nelson Mandela. It's about as inspiring a weekend as ever has been seen. Rejoice, movie fans, the time is now for awesome!

Here's how I see it, haiku style:

1.) The Princess and the Frog - $35 million

Ah, my youth RETURNS!
Goofy songs, hand-drawn cartoons...
I am so happy.

2.) Invictus - $18 million

Hey, Morgan Freeman,
be like Nelson Mandela,
in your REAL life, too.

3.) The Blind Side - $15 million

This is a monster.
It may make 200 mil
Suck on that, Twilight.

4.) Twilight: New Moon - $7 million

For now, it leaves us.
But the series is not done.
Oh, it will return.

5.) A Christmas Carol - $6 million

This movie lingers,
like unwanted Christmas guests.
It's time to go home.

WILDCARD - Brothers - $5.5 million

I love Natalie.
She is everywhere right now.
It's still not enough.

That's it gang. Have a good weekend!

Winter Movie Preview

This should be hitting the physical copy of The Reader in the Thanksgiving issue...which should be coming out sooner than later because there's stuffing to be eaten, people. This is just a little sneak preview of the Winter flicks that have me geeked...actually, since this is a preview of something that will be in the paper, it's a sneak preview of a sneak preview. I hate getting meta-literary on a Monday.

Baby, It’s Cold Outside
Snuggle up with the Winter Movie Preview

News anchors may believe they are the kings and queens of their local information purveyance establishment, but they are mere jesters when compared with the power wielded by weather witches and warlocks. Anchors repeat words; the weather people determine whether we can leave our homes from roughly December to March. In lieu of a pagan sacrifice, as a plea for diminished blizzard-spawning wizardry, the movies in this year’s Winter Movie Preview will be measured against the nastiest seasonal spells, er, “forecasts,” that the climate magicians have to deploy.

Up in the Air (Dec 4)

Partially filmed in Omaha (okay, very, very partially), the latest effort from uber-promising director Jason Reitman follows George Clooney (ever hear of him?) as a corporate frequent flyer who flies around firing folks. Oscar buzz has been more contagious than pork fever (or whatever that new-fangled disease is), so see it early and brag.

Excitement forecast – A 100% chance of huge, manly-man hunks of cool ice falling from the sky.

The Princess and the Frog (Dec 11)

Hand-drawn Disney movies warmly and kindly raised several generations of children. Sadly, today’s kids have been reared by the cold bastards that are computer-generated movies…until now. Introducing the first black princess (‘bout time), Tiana, the film is set in The French Quarter during the Jazz Age. If it avoids Song of the South-ing it’s way along, it may find itself admitted to the elite kids flick pantheon.

Excitement forecast – Fluffy-bunny snowflakes falling for hours. Total accumulation: 1-5 hugs.

Invictus (Limited on Dec 11)

Morgan Freeman got himself in a bit of scandal, what with the whole affair-with-his-stepdaughter thing (so icky). The only career remedy: play Nelson Mandela alongside Matt Damon in a Clint Eastwood movie. Heavy-handed social themes and massive sports cliches combined with Eatwood’s beloved touch means this films Oscars will win other little baby Oscars.

Excitement forecast – Racist fog gives way to optimistic social light.

Avatar (Dec 18)

After taking a decade-or-so to bask in his own greatness, James Cameron has returned…with sensitive blue Thundercats? With what a rumored $500 million budget, Avatar seems like little more than a computer-generated version of Dances With Wolves in space. Every indication suggests this may be the Internet-generation’s Heaven’s Gate. Then again, didn’t they say that about a little flick called Titanic?

Excitement forecast – Chance of rain, 50%. Chance of snow, 50%. Chance of sun, 50%. James Cameron makes his own math.

Nine (Dec 18)

The film is based on a novel, based on a Tony-award winning musical, based on an Italian play, based on the life of Federico Fellini. Its lineage is only slightly less crowded than its cast, including Nicole Kidman, Marion Cotillard, Penelope Cruz, Sophia Loren, Kate Hudson, Fergie, Judi Dench and Daniel Day-Lewis. If done right, it toe-taps its way to Oscar glory. If done wrong…oh, be serious, it has Daniel Day-Lewis, there is no wrong.

Excitement forecast – Rain, singable and danceable rain.

The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus (Limited on Dec 25)

Director Terry Gilliam can be bizarrely bodacious (see Brazil and 12 Monkeys) or downright dreadful (see The Brothers Grimm). His latest involves a reality-warping journey through a mirror owned by the immortal Dr. Parnassus (Christopher Plummer), a deal with the devil (Tom Waits) and a young hero played by the late Heath Ledger, who passed away midway through shooting. His role was picked up by the trio of Johnny Depp, Jude Law and Colin Farrell, which could be magically delicious or disastrously sour.

Excitement forecast – Temperatures fall below zero, down a rabbit hole into wonderland.

Sherlock Holmes (Dec 25)

Although casting Robert Downey Jr as the clever Mr. Holmes has to be as grating to Brits as casting Hugh Grant as Captain America would be to Yanks, the slam-bang, action-oriented attempt from director Guy Ritchie to franchise Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s creation has the benefit of an assist from Rachel McAdams but the drawback of resembling Will Smith’s big-screen version of Wild, Wild West.

Excitement forecast – A bit from each weather element…ary, dear Watson!

Daybreakers (Jan 8)

Twilight’s wussification of vampires is nearly complete, but this self-described blend of The Matrix and 28 Days Later attempts to breathe some bad-ass back into the bloodsuckers. Borrowing the social metaphor usually seen in zombie flicks, the film imagines a world where most of the world’s population is vampires, and few humans are left to feed on…so human blood is a metaphor for oil?

Excitement forecast – Overcast enough for the living dead to walk the earth.

Youth in Revolt (Jan 8)

In this adaptation, Michael Cera plays Nick Twisp, who is so obsessed with gettin’ a little somethin’ somethin’ that he creates an alter-ego in order to facilitate the somethin’ somethin’, but somethin’ somethin’ goes wrong. Yay for low budgets and epic supporting casts (Steve Buscemi, Ray Liotta, Zach Galifianakis)!

Excitement forecast – A bitter wind-chill means you should cuddle with someone…for warmth.

The Book of Eli (Jan 15)

Post-apocalyptic shenanigans with Denzel Washington squaring off against Gary Oldman? Yes, please. Despite closing in on 60, Washington displays an array of butt kicking in this tale of a man protecting a certain holy book in a world devoid of laws and people.

Excitement forecast – A downpour of acid rain. Mmm, nuclear winter.

The Lovely Bones (Jan 15)

Having conquered Middle Earth, director Peter Jackson found one unseen, captivating realm with a larger fan base: heaven. This adaptation of the popular novel promises to reveal Jackson’s view of the afterlife and provoke more than a few tears. Opening in New York and LA in time to nab nominations, Omahans should know before January if this perspective passes the holy mustard.

Excitement forecast – Plenty of pure, white snow.

Legion (Jan 22)

In direct opposition to our previous film, this sleeper features Paul Bettany as a fallen angel attempting to fight off the apocalypse by shooting and stabbing stuff. The juxtaposition of angelic wings and copious gunshots could spark a cult classic, but don’t look for an endorsement by church groups.

Excitement forecast – Temperatures are falling…in hell!