Weekend Box Office Results: This is getting Avatar-ded

Likely by the end of the day, Avatar will be in the top 5 domestic films of all time. It has also closed the worldwide gap on Titanic to $513 million. That's a big number, sure, but it probably has at least $100-150 million more domestically that it will rake in, leaving just over $350 million to tally overseas. If it keeps pulling in $100 million a weekend from around the globe...we may be looking at a new champion. God, that is really just staggering. Especially since it (A) wasn't all that great and (B) had terrible buzz early on. Really, that's just the exact same formula as Titanic, huh? Yeah, I think that movie is mediocre, too...it just got lucky and had Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio in it, so people THOUGHT it was better than it actually was. But I digress. We're in there here and now, so here is some haiku-style results now:

1.) Avatar - $48.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 97%)

Highest fourth weekend.
Biggest ever 3D film.
Least humble helmer.

2.) Sherlock Holmes - $16.5 (Accuracy of prediction - 84%)

What a nice big hit
complete with some gay subtext
Mention that often.

3.) Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel - $16 million (Accuracy of prediction - 78%)

Let's name the third one:
How about the Squeal-o-gy?
Or, JUST DON'T MAKE IT.

4.) Daybreakers - $15 million (Accuracy of prediction - 93.5%)

Non-sparkle vampires
Can't earn the same box office.
Wow, that really sucks.

5.) It's Complicated - $11 million (Accuracy of prediction - 98%)

Here's some food for thought:
Ephron is Tyler Perry
for old white women.

Overall accuracy of prediction - 90%

Another A week!
Avatar is good for ALL!
I forgive you, Jim!

Okay, that's it for now guys. Enjoy your Monday!

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

Let's start with the update from Avatarwatch - James Cameron has now directed the two biggest box office hits in the world...ever. In less than a month, Cameron's blue people have totaled the second highest gross in history. By Sunday, the movie will have made more than $400 million domestically and will be the sole owner of the highest fourth weekend total ever. It should fairly easily cruise past The Dark Knight, leaving only Titanic to beat domestically, with the question remaining: Can it beat the boat?

Here's how I see this weekend (haiku style):

1.) Avatar - $45 million

The Na'vi are blue
But I would bet Fox is not
I'd say they are green.

2.) Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel - $20 million

I will not see this
Not on a dare or a bet
Not now, not ever

3.) Sherlock Holmes - $18 million

Holy gay undertones!
A producer hates that talk.
So let's keep it up.

4.) Daybreakers - $17 million

They sold this one wrong.
The ads should have said, "Hey girls,
do you like vampires?"

5.) Leap Year - $14 million

Love Amy Adams.
Hate generic romance flicks.
Guess I'm conflicted.

WILDCARD - It's Complicated - $10.5 million

When you think of it.
It is not complicated.
It's just not for me.

Okay gang, that's it. Have a wonderful weekend! I'll be back later to beg for money from you.

Winter Movie Preview

This should be hitting the physical copy of The Reader in the Thanksgiving issue...which should be coming out sooner than later because there's stuffing to be eaten, people. This is just a little sneak preview of the Winter flicks that have me geeked...actually, since this is a preview of something that will be in the paper, it's a sneak preview of a sneak preview. I hate getting meta-literary on a Monday.

Baby, It’s Cold Outside
Snuggle up with the Winter Movie Preview

News anchors may believe they are the kings and queens of their local information purveyance establishment, but they are mere jesters when compared with the power wielded by weather witches and warlocks. Anchors repeat words; the weather people determine whether we can leave our homes from roughly December to March. In lieu of a pagan sacrifice, as a plea for diminished blizzard-spawning wizardry, the movies in this year’s Winter Movie Preview will be measured against the nastiest seasonal spells, er, “forecasts,” that the climate magicians have to deploy.

Up in the Air (Dec 4)

Partially filmed in Omaha (okay, very, very partially), the latest effort from uber-promising director Jason Reitman follows George Clooney (ever hear of him?) as a corporate frequent flyer who flies around firing folks. Oscar buzz has been more contagious than pork fever (or whatever that new-fangled disease is), so see it early and brag.

Excitement forecast – A 100% chance of huge, manly-man hunks of cool ice falling from the sky.

The Princess and the Frog (Dec 11)

Hand-drawn Disney movies warmly and kindly raised several generations of children. Sadly, today’s kids have been reared by the cold bastards that are computer-generated movies…until now. Introducing the first black princess (‘bout time), Tiana, the film is set in The French Quarter during the Jazz Age. If it avoids Song of the South-ing it’s way along, it may find itself admitted to the elite kids flick pantheon.

Excitement forecast – Fluffy-bunny snowflakes falling for hours. Total accumulation: 1-5 hugs.

Invictus (Limited on Dec 11)

Morgan Freeman got himself in a bit of scandal, what with the whole affair-with-his-stepdaughter thing (so icky). The only career remedy: play Nelson Mandela alongside Matt Damon in a Clint Eastwood movie. Heavy-handed social themes and massive sports cliches combined with Eatwood’s beloved touch means this films Oscars will win other little baby Oscars.

Excitement forecast – Racist fog gives way to optimistic social light.

Avatar (Dec 18)

After taking a decade-or-so to bask in his own greatness, James Cameron has returned…with sensitive blue Thundercats? With what a rumored $500 million budget, Avatar seems like little more than a computer-generated version of Dances With Wolves in space. Every indication suggests this may be the Internet-generation’s Heaven’s Gate. Then again, didn’t they say that about a little flick called Titanic?

Excitement forecast – Chance of rain, 50%. Chance of snow, 50%. Chance of sun, 50%. James Cameron makes his own math.

Nine (Dec 18)

The film is based on a novel, based on a Tony-award winning musical, based on an Italian play, based on the life of Federico Fellini. Its lineage is only slightly less crowded than its cast, including Nicole Kidman, Marion Cotillard, Penelope Cruz, Sophia Loren, Kate Hudson, Fergie, Judi Dench and Daniel Day-Lewis. If done right, it toe-taps its way to Oscar glory. If done wrong…oh, be serious, it has Daniel Day-Lewis, there is no wrong.

Excitement forecast – Rain, singable and danceable rain.

The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus (Limited on Dec 25)

Director Terry Gilliam can be bizarrely bodacious (see Brazil and 12 Monkeys) or downright dreadful (see The Brothers Grimm). His latest involves a reality-warping journey through a mirror owned by the immortal Dr. Parnassus (Christopher Plummer), a deal with the devil (Tom Waits) and a young hero played by the late Heath Ledger, who passed away midway through shooting. His role was picked up by the trio of Johnny Depp, Jude Law and Colin Farrell, which could be magically delicious or disastrously sour.

Excitement forecast – Temperatures fall below zero, down a rabbit hole into wonderland.

Sherlock Holmes (Dec 25)

Although casting Robert Downey Jr as the clever Mr. Holmes has to be as grating to Brits as casting Hugh Grant as Captain America would be to Yanks, the slam-bang, action-oriented attempt from director Guy Ritchie to franchise Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s creation has the benefit of an assist from Rachel McAdams but the drawback of resembling Will Smith’s big-screen version of Wild, Wild West.

Excitement forecast – A bit from each weather element…ary, dear Watson!

Daybreakers (Jan 8)

Twilight’s wussification of vampires is nearly complete, but this self-described blend of The Matrix and 28 Days Later attempts to breathe some bad-ass back into the bloodsuckers. Borrowing the social metaphor usually seen in zombie flicks, the film imagines a world where most of the world’s population is vampires, and few humans are left to feed on…so human blood is a metaphor for oil?

Excitement forecast – Overcast enough for the living dead to walk the earth.

Youth in Revolt (Jan 8)

In this adaptation, Michael Cera plays Nick Twisp, who is so obsessed with gettin’ a little somethin’ somethin’ that he creates an alter-ego in order to facilitate the somethin’ somethin’, but somethin’ somethin’ goes wrong. Yay for low budgets and epic supporting casts (Steve Buscemi, Ray Liotta, Zach Galifianakis)!

Excitement forecast – A bitter wind-chill means you should cuddle with someone…for warmth.

The Book of Eli (Jan 15)

Post-apocalyptic shenanigans with Denzel Washington squaring off against Gary Oldman? Yes, please. Despite closing in on 60, Washington displays an array of butt kicking in this tale of a man protecting a certain holy book in a world devoid of laws and people.

Excitement forecast – A downpour of acid rain. Mmm, nuclear winter.

The Lovely Bones (Jan 15)

Having conquered Middle Earth, director Peter Jackson found one unseen, captivating realm with a larger fan base: heaven. This adaptation of the popular novel promises to reveal Jackson’s view of the afterlife and provoke more than a few tears. Opening in New York and LA in time to nab nominations, Omahans should know before January if this perspective passes the holy mustard.

Excitement forecast – Plenty of pure, white snow.

Legion (Jan 22)

In direct opposition to our previous film, this sleeper features Paul Bettany as a fallen angel attempting to fight off the apocalypse by shooting and stabbing stuff. The juxtaposition of angelic wings and copious gunshots could spark a cult classic, but don’t look for an endorsement by church groups.

Excitement forecast – Temperatures are falling…in hell!

Discussion time!

Thanks to EW.com for the alerting me to the following: I find this Esquire editorial blog post to be insanely fascinating. Basically, the article posits that one of the major reasons women are so beguiled by Twilight and other vampire shit (and it is, unquestionably, shit) is perhaps because...straight women want to have sex with gay men. Now, before you scoff and dismiss this entirely, it does make sense on a few levels. Moving beyond the obvious stereotypical elements of vampirical effeminate behaviors and appearances, consider that "True Blood" makes no bones about the allegory between homosexuality and vampirism. The show is littered with various references that the Esquire article details well. When examining Twilight, consider the rather common teenage experience of desiring the unattainable. Many, many, many girls I know have the "I fell in love with a gay guy in high school" story. I heard two new ones last week (no lie). Hell, there are so many ways in which this works I almost think there's no way it isn't at least partially responsible. Just consider things like the two kinds of sex symbols that are currently out there: the rugged playboy (George Clooney, Brad Pitt) and the oddly effeminate (Johnny Depp, Robert Downey Jr). Am I saying that all women who read this material or watch the countless terrible f**king movies about vampires are all gay chasers? Hell no, that's stupid. I do however find this an interesting phenomenon. By the way, it makes me want to support the whole stupid movement a little bit. See, any ways in which we can use pop culture to make people more supportive of the gay community is a good idea. What do you think? Is this real, off-base, possible, or totally batshit insane?

Oh, and in related fang news, the only vampire movie I'm actually interested in is Daybreakers, which stars Ethan Hawke and Willem Dafoe and is set in a world where 95% of the population are vampires and the remaining 5% aren't enough to feed the others. It's vampire used as obvious social metaphor and not simplistic love interest, so I think it sounds cool. Also, early buzz has it rocking much ass. The new poster, which is totally Matrix-tastic, is right here for you.

Cool as hell, huh?