Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

You want to know what people on movie blogs do when there isn't a lot of action going on? I have read 20 different versions of "Hugh Jackman can't host the Oscars, so who should?" I think Jackman did a fine job, but really the answer starts and ends as Ricky Gervais, who was already picked up by the Golden Globes. Beyond that, I could give a rat's dingus. Seriously, they're going to find some bland choice that is in no way dangerous or exciting. So, my suggestion is to get somebody surprising (like George Clooney) or go with what you know and bring back Jon Stewart, who did a way better job than people remember. Oh, also, I don't care. I watch to see what wins, so sue me. Anyway, moving on to this weekend's box office...who gives a shit. Really, the creepy Michael Jackson non-movie movie is going to win and everything else is bad or old. So, there you go. Still, a promise is a promise, and I promised to do this every week. Here goes nothing.

Here's how I see it (haiku style):

1.) This Is It - $29.5 million

Not sure what This is
No more Michael Jackson news?
I hope This is It!

2.) Paranormal Activity - $15 million

This had a nice run
It should end on Halloween.
There's no shame in that.

3.) Law Abiding Citizen - $9 million

I can't believe this.
This is making great money.
DAMN YOU, JAIME FOXXXXXXXX

4.) Where the Wild Things Are - $7 million

No $100 mil
But you can't call it a flop.
Not bad for good art.

5.) Saw VI - $6 million

Could Saw be over?
I really hope that's the case.
Which means it won't be.

WILDCARD - Couples Retreat - $6 million

Kristen Bell is hot.
I just wanted to say that
while I was able.

Weekend Box Office Wrap Up: I suck...but less than Saw

If you're wondering, the limit on how many times you can milk the cash cow before it dies, the answer is 6. Saw took a big old face dump this weekend, spilling from it's usual $30 million opening to just under half that, likely because someone finally wisely challenged it with another horror movie. David (Paranormal Activity) slew Goliath (Saw)...only there were no larger religious implications and we're all going to go right on living our lives. Hopefully this means next year we get a little more variety in our October...but I'm guessing probably just Paranormal Activity 2 and Saw VII.

Here's the weekend's results, haiku style:

1.) Paranormal Activity - $22 million (Accuracy of prediction - 85%)

Made for 10 thousand.
This may make 100 mil.
...I'd say that's okay.

2.) Saw VI - $15 million (Accuracy of prediction - 64%)

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha
Sorry, but this makes me smile.
Booooo makers of crap!

3.) Where the Wild Things Are - $14.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 95%)

It's not quite a hit
but it's in no way failing.
Not bad for good art.

4.) Law Abiding Citizen - $13 million (Accuracy of prediction - 84%)

It's just like Taken.
I should have seen this coming.
Damn you, Jamie Foxxxxxxxxx

5.) Couples Retreat - $11 million (Accuracy of prediction - 0%)

Vince Vaughan is the king...
of the mainstream comedy.
Sorry Will Ferrell.

Overall accuracy of prediction - 67%

What a sad effort.
The only thing worse than this?
The Chicago Bears.

That's it! Happy Monday!

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

Here we are again, gang. Another Friday, another chance for me to embarrass myself. I have to say it's been a long week, mostly aided by the fact that Omaha's weather has decided to emulate that of Blade Runner. I haven't seen the sun in so long that it's like being Sarah Palin (not because she lives in Alaska so much as because of where she usually keeps her head). Anyhoodle, here's how I see the weekend box office, haiku style:

1.) Saw VI - $29 million

Please do not see Saw.
You see Saw, we'll see more Saws
So no more Saw, see?

2.) Paranormal Activity - $20 million

Look at the indie!
I guess this type still does well.
At least it's something.

3.) Where the Wild Things Are - $16 million

Okay, listen up.
Let's reward those who made this.
Give them more money!

4.) Astro Boy - $12 million

What? Not in 3D?!
Kiss your box office goodbye.
It's sad, but it's true.

5.) Law Abiding Citizen - $11.5 million

Word of mouth is strong?
I'm not sure this is quite right.
You're sure you meant this?

WILDCARD - Cirque Du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant - $10 million

Pick just one title.
Cash in on the vampire craze.
NOOOOO! John C. Reilly?!

Okay, that's it gang. Have a great weekend and see you on Monday!

Weekend Box Office Results: The Wild Things r in yr wallet, takin' yr monies

Well, well, well, look at that. Just like crazy-ass Kanye jumped around declaring a win for "art" when his phenomenal album "808 and Heartbreak" was number one in album sales, I want to scream like a wild rumpus that Spike Jonze's complex and challenging childhood opus soared above expectations at the weekend box office. Huzzah! I loved the movie, and you should too. Just to be clear, I'm happy about THIS weekend development, but the decision by all football teams I like to take the weekend off left me quite morose this Monday. Le sigh.

Here's the results (haiku style):

1.) Where the Wild Things Are - $32.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 94.5%)

This is a great start
Wild Things, I think I love you
This is a classic.

2.) Law Abiding Citizen - $21 million (Accuracy of prediction - 54%)

Are you kidding me?
Even the title is bad.
WHERE IS THE HYPHEN?

3.) Paranormal Activity - $20 million (Accuracy of prediction - 87.5%)

It has two weeks left
After Halloween, it's gone.
Still a nice story.

4.) Couples Retreat - $18 million (Accuracy of prediction - 90%)

These numbers are nuts.
It's like a Summer weekend.
Other than weather.

5.) The Stepfather - $12 million (Accuracy of prediction - 83%)

You'll see anything?
Even a remake like this?
What's wrong with you guys?

Overall accuracy of prediction - 82%

I guess I'll take it.
Only one movie hurt me.
DAMN YOU JAMIE FOXXXXXXX

That's it. Y'all have yourselves a happy Monday!

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

I gots to tell you folks, it's been a crazy week. Between the weather depriving me of vitamin D goodness for like 10 days now, wretched and stupid car problems that suck money into them like some kind of financial black hole, busy times at work...and at my other work (and other, other work), and my wife working insane, brutal hours (seriously, four days in a row now of like 13-14 hour days), I've reached some sort of spiritual breaking point. I need some positivity and good news. I'm going to trust that this means I'm guaranteed to have success in my box office predictions. Enjoy!

Here's how I see it (haiku style):

1.) Where the Wild Things Are - $36 million

This may be too high
but it deserves even more.
I love this movie.

2.) Paranormal Activity - $21 million

Talk about a hit
The film's budget is smaller
than my car repairs.

3.) Couples Retreat - $18 million

Guess who's laughing now?
Vince Vaughn, who is still a star...
and likely eating.

4.) Law-Abiding Citizen - $10 million

I don't get this one.
It looks quite cheese-a-licious.
But, hey, shit blows up!

5.) The Stepfather - $8 million

Another remake
Another film to avoid.
Will they never learn?

WILDCARD - Zombieland - $8 million

This was so much fun
I think I may go again.
That's quite rare for me.

Okay gang, you have a wonderful weekend. I know I will.

What you should listen to all day today

Wow, if I wasn't excited for Where the Wild Things Are before (and I was, just go back and check out my frantic salivation over this film for years now), I am totally rabid now. Thanks to Chud.com for pointing out that by going here you can actually stream the entire soundtrack for free (it's a preview, not some creepy piracy thing). It's by Karen O (of the Yeah, Yeah, Yeahs) and a bunch of kids, which sounds ooky, but is actually totally and uncontrollably awesome. If you don't instantly start feeling tingles throughout your body, you're a bad person who probably likes Creed. For the record, after this preview wears off, I'm buying this...or, even better, you should buy this for me. You know how people have dreams of writing for a living and having people shower them with fame and attention...I would totally consider myself successful if I could just get people to send me free preview shit. I'm a whore looking for cool swag to shill. Look, I kept this post short!

Things you should buy me (Volume 1)

Look, being a nerd ain't easy on the wallet, okay? I mean, people just assume that all of us became rich and invested in software design companies instead of putting everything we own on Black on the roulette wheel (I was assured that since Red had come up 5 times in a row, Black was "due"). Combine a general lack of funds with a desire to own everything even slightly nerd related and you get a constant feeling of disappointment not unlike an atheist's kid at Christmas. I just want to own everything, is that so wrong? Today will be the first in an ongoing weekly installment of a column I will call "Things You Should Buy Me," because really...you should (or, better yet, you should just have companies send things to me to "test" and "promote" on the site because I am a "whore" who would "do it"...once you get started sarcastic quoting, it's hard to stop). So, here's the first group of shit I expect to find in my mailbox (you can get the address by asking me for it at film@thereader.com...but first you have to tell me what you're giving me so I can decide if I'd rather have it sent to an enemy).

Where the Wild Things Are Soundtrack - Seriously? Karen O from the Yeah, Yeah, Yeahs (one of my favorite bands) is doing the entire album with a group of kids?! (A) Those kids are going to come home smelling like fingernail polish, hairspray, and sadness. (B) I wants it. The first song is streaming on something called "Myspace" here. The full album drops on September 29, so start saving your pennies now. I would like it the day of release, please. You can get it anywhere music of any kind is sold, so you have no excuse.

Batman: Arkham Asylum for the X-Box 360 - I don't buy a ton of video games, but this is one you should totally give me. Not only is it supposed to be just bat-tastic, but I've heard it has elements of creepy-awesome and violent-rad. It should have been easy to make a good Batman game by now, but they haven't, so I think you should get me this one to celebrate the achievement. Batman has both comic books and movies with him in it, so it would count as double the research. You can buy it at Wal-Mart while you're there buying jumbo packs of underpants.



Up on Blu Ray...oh, and a Blu Ray player - Look, this is just getting ridiculous. How can I, a well-respected, er, respected, er, somewhat ignored, er, totally obscure movie critic continue to do my job (and by job, I mean mindless, idle blather) without you buying me a Blu Ray player? And, if you buy me that (and really, any one will do), why wouldn't you buy me a disc to go with it. Particularly this one, which comes with the cute lamp thing. Seriously, this isn't a gift for me. It's a gift for you, so that I can keep doing my job. You can buy this when you buy the X-Box game at any store with electronics. Please?



Okay, that will be it for now. But save up, I'll want more next week.

Weekly Wrap-Up: Disappointment, Despair, and Diagrams

What a week we've had, huh? Let's hit the highlights before calling it quits:

• Here's the only Venn diagram I'll likely ever make.
• No THIS is the worst idea ever.
• New Moon has an infomercial apparently starring a charming young gay soft-core porn star.
• You should read David Eggers's "Where the Wild Things Are" excerpt.
• This would be so cool if it were true!
• Avatar disappointed me. I bet Jim Cameron doesn't even care.
• Everybody loves haikus.

Have a great weekend everybody, here's hoping Brett Favre gets hurt on his first preseason snap (Go BEARS!)

I KNOW WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE!

If you aren't excited for the upcoming Spike Jonze-directed Where the Wild Things Are, I'm sorry that the child in you died. You should have that thing taken out of you immediately. Dialing my excitement level up to near "ohmygodspider-manisreal" levels is the fact that one of my favorite novelists, Dave Eggers, wrote the screenplay and...wait for it...A NOVEL "inspired by" the movie and children's book. I don't even know what that effing means and I'm over the moon! The best news? YOU CAN READ PART OF IT NOW! The New Yorker has a friggin' 8 page excerpt from the work! Sure, you have to endure those indecipherable cartoons on nearly every page (if you look at them too long, you go cross-eyed, you've been warned), but are you kidding me? That's a huuuuge excerpt! Why are they doing it? Because it's sooooooo good it makes you want to both go out and buy the book and go out and watch the movie. I won't go on a big rant here (just an itty bitty one), but what makes Eggers's excerpt truly remarkable is that it perfectly captures the tone of the book AND the spirit of that work. Max is angry and confused. Life is beautiful, yes, but our introduction to it can be violent and totally disorienting. There's something glorious about it, but something terrifying and maddening and frustrating and magical about the whole thing. Eggers gets it. From the footage, Jonze does too. I am so excited it's almost enough to make me forget that Brett Favre is all over my TV and Internet again. I wish a monster would eat his face. Anyway, here's an image to get you even more pumped. Now, go to that link and read! READ DAMMIT! Phylicia Rashad told me it's fundamental.

San Diego Comic Convention thoughts....FROM A GIRL!

I should start this by apologizing to young Tessie, who is a beautiful and talented girl whose reputation I besmirched by posting a picture of her where she is, fairly obviously, making a funny face for dramatic effect. It was just wrong of me to suggest that she makes such faces routinely, especially after she sent me the information below. I mean, if she made that sort of face so often that there were many, many photos of her doing it, that would be one thing, but to represent her as ALWAYS making that face based on one image is just irresponsible.



Remember, Tessie, I kid because I love. I'm pretty sure I'm going to get punched for that.

Anyway, the lovely lass did a bang up job providing me with some inside reporting from the con. Here's some highlights of what she had to say below:

• She starts with some praise for the new post-apocalyptic flick: "I don't know if it's too late to send you some more detailed info but here it goes. The Book of Eli, starring Denzel Washington, Gary Oldman, and Mila Kunis, looks freaking' sweet...the chemistry between Denzel and Gary is amazing just from the few clips that I saw."
• Tess also suggested that she may have fun with the new Cameron Diaz movie (The Box): "Although Diaz totally butchers a Texan accent...the plot is very complicated, involving a man that leaves a box on Diaz's porch, he returns and tells her if she pushes the button on the box, someone she has never met will die and she will receive one million dollars each time she pushes the button." She suggests that Richard Kelly's direction is on point and that the film looks pretty...and so did Diaz, who is also pretty stupid: "Diaz gave away the ending. She said the people who gave her character the box were ****** and they were ****** *******." That info was censored for your safety. If you really want to know, I'll tell you.
• Tess also seemed intrigued by the Nightmare on Elm Street remake, noting "From the brief teaser I saw, it seems to be an interesting adaptation from the original. They said they didn't tell the same story, but do reference the old movies...The old Freddie Krueger will NOT make a cameo." Regarding Jackie Earle Haley's performance, she's pretty confident. "He is going to kick ass." She does suggest that there's more actual horror in this one and less, and this is Tessie's words here: "poofy stuff. It could be great, but does have potential to be a Prom Night flop...since it is a remake.
• Some things are just a guarantee: "Where the Wild Things Are is going to be amazing.Director Spike Jones worked hand-in-hand with the author of the book to make a movie that is going to stay true to the book but add more adventure; it will show what Max did on his adventures. The creatures take Max on a tour of his kingdom and build an elaborate fort/airplane/boat playhouse made of trees and rocks."
• Love Tess's to-the-point Jonah Hex take: "Josh Brolin is going to be a total freakin' badass. John Malcovich plays the antagonist and will more than likely deliver. The main challenge will be Megan Fox, she's on screen with two amazing actors and she plays a hooker so...yeah. She has a raunchy sex scene with Brolin, so she may just be T&A like she was in Transformers." I'm going to guess that's pretty accurate.
• Tess also appears to have a girl crush on one of my most beloved actresses, Rachel McAdams, as she sums up the new Sherlock Holmes as follows: "Downey Jr. and Jude Law do well and the amazing Rachel McAdams plays the love interest. From the crowd's response, it's a must see."
• In summing up the Tim Burton efforts: "9 is going to be a Burton-esque animated film. It is the feature film directorial debut of Shane Acker, but he was under the wing of two cinematic geniuses. The main challenge for this movie is that it's a PG-13 adult, animated film so they it keep audiences at bay." She's seen "exclusive clips and is a HUGE Tim Burton fan; this movie looks amazing."

But, by far, Tess's biggest experience at the con (and everyone's major critique) involved the following. Enjoy this tale of woe:

This is a true story that happened to me. The Twilight fans were horrible. Everyone at the convention who wasn't a Twilight fan complained about them the whole time. They almost ruined the comicon for everyone. Girls had been camped out for the THURSDAY Twilight panel since MONDAY. I wanted to see Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland panel, but 8500 Twilight fans kept me out. From what I heard from people who got in, the people in front were Twilight fans and didn't give a rat's ass that Tim Burton was there and would rather see Robert Pattinson than JOHNNY MOTHER F***ING DEPP!!!! But anyway, here's my story. At the Summit booth, I spun a wheel and won the TWILIGHT PRIZE PACKAGE, which included a "Limited Edition Twilight Gift Set" and two tickets to an EXCLUSIVE showing of Twilight (the cast was going to be there so it was a big deal). Only 3000 tickets were available, and they sold out 30 seconds after going on sale. After I won the tickets, I picked them up from the booth; the girl giving out the prizes handed them to me and said (this is a direct quote): "Hide these. Girls are going to try and kill you to get these tickets." Scary shit, I know. My younger sister and I waited in a line that went FOUR BLOCKS to get into the showing. While in line, we had a discussion with a 38-year-old mother who only brought one daughter because she "just had to go and see the vampire!" I also witnessed women well over the age of 40 wearing shirts that said "I Heart Boys Who Sparkle" and "I Love Edward Cullen" Robert Pattinson should be very afraid when women who could be his mother are in the same building begging for him to bite their necks. After waiting in line for four hours, it was time to enter the theater. The minute the cast came down it was chaos. I was almost trampled to death by crazy 14-year-old girls just so they could get a picture of Robert Pattinson going down a freaking escalator. Girls even said, "I can't believe I saw Edward going down the escalator!" After that pandemonium, I was then hassled by women showing off Twilight Barbies (the Edward doll has glitter on it so it sparkles in the sun) because I was too close to the display...and by too close I mean girls were shoving me into it. Once we got into the theater, my sister and I sat in the middle of the front row so we would get the closest view of the cast members. Note: We did this not because we wanted so terribly to get a good view, but because we wanted to stick it to the lunatics who kept us from Tim Burton and Johnny Depp. The cast came out (it wasn't Edward or Bella, it was Emmet, Rosalie, and two new vampires...so the girls in the theater didn't even applaud); they answered questions and were very pleasant, even though 2/3 of the room looked like they wanted to eat them. After the movie started my sister got up to try and use the bathroom. Security then yelled at us and told us we couldn't go because "The talent was still in the building and told us if it was such an emergency we could leave." So my sister and I walked out, only to find more crazy Twilight fans still waiting in line to get into theater.

Now, say what you will, that's one brave girl. I particularly like the part where she stuck it to the fans by sitting in their spot. Nice work, Tessie. I almost feel bad for posting goofy pictures of you...almost.