This Ryan knows Jack!

Warning, this post is written about a Ryan about a character named Jack Ryan and features a director named Jack. If you're still with me, good for you it wasn't that complicated. The evolution of Jack Ryan is shown here:
You start out with early 90s Alec Baldwin, infused with the wild sexuality of a mountain lion on viagra, far from calling his daughter a pig on her voicemail and getting to touch Tina Fey on the regular. Then you go to in-his-prime Harrison Ford, back when he could still run and jump like a girl and act surly without appearing to be a grumpy old man. They you have Ben Affleck who had yet to be remade by sharing a bed with Jennifer Garner and had yet to discover his true life calling was directing. Finally, you have the new Jack Ryan, Chris Pine, who was supposed to blow up like a Klingon sex bomb after Star Trek and instead has not done anything. Well the big announcement now is that Jack Bender, who directed the best episodes of "Lost" and "Alias" is going to likely direct Moscow, the prequelicious return to the spy series. I say huzzah. Why? Because it's more fun to say than "cool." Also, because espionage movies are the shit. Salt is killing it right now and isn't anything special at all really. It's just good fun with international intrigue. I liked Jack Ryan at every single point really, so huzzah to his fourth resurrection!!

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Shia "the truth" LaBeouf

This is by no means groundbreaking or earth-shattering news, but much like a White Stripe who "fell in love with a girl," it bears repeating now. Shia LaBeouf feels guilty about what he and those monkeys did to our Indiana Jones franchise.

Amidst revelations that he "dropped the ball on the legacy" while at Cannes promoting a sequel to one of the most revered films of the 1980s from a legendary director (ruh, roh Raggy...could he have pooped on TWO classic film icons in just a few years?) came more interesting info, like how Harrison Ford kind of felt the movie sucked too. He also mentions that papa Spielberg, to whom LaBeouf owes everything as it was Stevie who ensured that LaBeouf didn't end up a child-star-meth-addict (a move I now call "Pulling a Sweetin"), is gonna be pissed about him breaking the family trust on this one. Yes, if it weren't for Shia LaBeouf mentioning it, no one would have thought that Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull was anything other than cinematic perfection. On the one hand, this admission makes me like LaBeouf even more. He even tries to take the rap for not pulling off that infamous monkey scene (Paul Newman couldn't have pulled off that scene if Daniel Day Lewis played one of those monkeys, just to be clear Shia). On the other hand, shut up LaBeouf, this ain't about you. Let's not take the eyes off the prize here. This is about Spielberg and Lucas...mostly just Lucas. This is about the fact that your character existed at all. This is about the goofy-ass missteps and general half-assedness of the entire final sequence of the film. Now, having been one of the few who actually didn't really mind good chunks of that now near universally loathed flick, I'll tell you that the shortcomings of the film are almost all Lucas's fault (and Spielberg by association). This isn't just another case of piling on the throat-bearded douche again, this is about making sure that we don't let a few comments change our assignment of blame. LaBeouf didn't write "cut to shot of gopher" in the script and he didn't go out and shoot that. What sucked did so because Lucas was struck by douche lightning and is now a supervillain. Now there's a quote I'd love to see get picked up by other media.

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I'm back...and more Australian than ever

Award yourself three bonus points if you were able to successfully identify the title of this blog post as a quip made by one of the "Mystery Science Theater 3000" gang during their review of Kathy Ireland's Alien from LA. Anyhoodle, just to give you a quick chance to catch up with what I've been up to since last we cyber-spoke: The University of Nebraska Omaha's forensics team (again, that means speaking and not "CSI" stuff) nailed down their first top 10 finish ever, had their best individual overall student (Allison Henri, who was 16th in the country), and had one student (Cameron Logsdon) win the first individual national championship in school history when he won Program of Oral Interpretation. For those who don't know what I'm talking about, just know that UNO achieved more than I could have dreamed...and last night I had a dream where a monkey milked a unicorn while MC Hammer watched. Now, I've missed a lot of stuff...and I do not have the time to walk through each and every single event that took place. That said, I'm going to do my damnedest to hit the highlights.

I really don't want to overwhelm all of you, so I'm going to do this in the shortest way possible...no, not haikus (although I'm tempted), but I am going to do some rhyming verse. Here goes, I give to you:

Ryan's Catch-Up Column in Rhyming Couplet

This is a small rumor, some would say a nugget
but if it is true, I sure want to plug it.
The word is that Thor may arrive in Iron Man 2,
it wouldn't surprise me, but this may not be true.

Although not a list-topper, Anna Faris is hot,
but when it comes to this news, I could not give a squat.
Ms. Faris will take over where Goldie Hawn has been,
by taking the lead in the new Private Benjamin.

Leonardo DiCaprio may decide to go FBI,
under the direction of another old guy.
This J Edgar Hoover bio will likely be good,
marking a change for Clint Eastwood.

Some remakes are obviously "dead pictures walking"
none are more so than Look Who's Talking.
If the producers would just hold up an iota,
given his choices, they might again score Travolta.

I can't say I know who Sebastian Stan is,
but his agent must be some kind of wiz.
He almost got cast as Captain America, which was lucky,
but was ultimately chosen to be his sidekick, Bucky.

Speaking of Cap, here's some more casting news,
one that will surely make some of you blue.
Cap's girl will be played by someone who's hot,
but one thing I know, Emily Blunt it is NOT.

Although the second one gave me the opposite of pleasure,
it looks like there'll be a third National Treasure.
The movie is supposedly already being penned,
and a nation awaits, to get screwed again.

We're going to see Thor sooner than I thought,
as starting May 5th, we'll see production shots.
Hopefully the images don't make us feel doom.
So much will come down to that silly costume.

George Lucas is back and at it once more,
with another Star Wars project for fans to endure.
He's finally giving fans the thing for which we waited!
A Star Wars TV sitcom that's animated?!?!?!?!

Red Sonja is stuck, in development Hades,
sad news for fans of sword-wielding ladies.
But rumor has it producers are removing these blocks,
and have offered the role to the vapid Megan Fox.

Harrison Ford may be back in the saddle,
helping cowboys against aliens battle!
Starring Daniel Craig, directed by Jon Favreau,
written by "Lost" writers, to Cowboys and Aliens I'll go!!!

That's the best recap I can do in the time and space allowed, folks. I promise not to leave you again for that long...at least not for awhile. Happy Tuesday, I'll be back with "Lost" thoughts shortly.

Idle Speilbergian hands...

There's two ways this can go: Either the news that Steven Spielberg has left the abomination that would have been the remake of Harvey (thus leaving him currently projectless) means that he will finally tackle something he's wanted to tackle for awhile (a spiritual sequel to Close Encounters? His Abraham Lincoln movie?) or we're going to get another Indiana Jones movie. Really, nobody has a clue what the guy's doing next, which is potentially crazy, given the fact that the dude stacks projects upon projects like drunk stack beer-amids. The problem with future Indy movies isn't scripting, we all know they claim to wait for "the right idea" or "the right script" but anyone who's seen George Lucas write knows that he's basically just finger painting with random bad ideas. With this giant, gaping hole in Speilberg's production schedule, and with Harrison Ford scheduled for his prune enema next year, I'm guessing this would be one of those few "strike while the iron is hot" moments that the film could come together. Oh, it most likely won't (to the pleasure and joy of many), but it could...in fact, if not now, I don't know when. Also, I'd like to point out that it's been at least three weeks since the last rumors I heard about Indy 5, so if this could be a start point for more rampant speculation and baseless lies, I'd really appreciate it. Things get so boring without it.

If at third you don't succeed...

For those who haven't had the pleasure, Star Trek will soon be gracing us on home video and should be watched and watched and watched and watched until you are asked to stop by an angry, jealous William Shatner. It's very good, and one of the reasons for this goodness is Christopher Pine, who made Captain James T Kirk more than just some modern Shat-tastic impression but an actual (gasp) character. He was suave, smooth, funny...and apparently beguiling to both sexes. I mention all of this because Variety reports that Pine may be the new Jack Ryan. Pine would be adding his name to the list of actors to play hot potato with the role. Including The Hunt for Red October, Patriot Games, Clear and Present Danger, and The Sum of All Fears, we've had three Jack Ryans, each willing to only take the role briefly. So, Christopher Pine, with the world at your fingertips, let's show you who's role you're inheriting, shall we?

First was this guy:

Shown here with his optional chest carpet, Hairy McChestington (aka Alec Baldwin) held the role for but one film...a film in which Sean Connery used his accent to play a Russian. Um, okay.

Next came

Shown here with his optional "how can I be old, do you see this earring?" accessory, Harrison Ford was the dedicated workhorse of the series, doing two whole episodes in which he jumped funny and pointed his finger.

Then you have

Shown here with his optional detachable jaw and ALL of the hamburgers, Ben Affleck did one of his better "leading man" jobs in The Sum of All Fears.

Will Chris Pine be able to stand into the role of these titans of manhood? Only time will tell. Also, the Ben Affleck picture made me both nauseous and hungry, if that's possible.

Yes, I want another Indiana Jones movie

Okay, there, I said it. You know why I want another Indiana Jones movie? Because I like Indiana Jones. So sue me. I liked the last movie (didn't totally go nutso for it, but really did enjoy myself...nuking the fridge aside). More than that, I want the series to go out on a high note. We nerds need a win. After the Star Wars franchise has been dragged through more mud than a Louisiana swamp, after the constant remakes and reimaginings and reboots and whatnot, after the Internet has turned all of us (me included) into drooling hate mongers who want to do nothing but chirp and deride, it's time we had something from our past that we love turn out good. Yes, there's this problem to deal with:



Yes, there's the fact that they are using George Lucas as the primary story writer still. Yes, there are hurdles to be climbed, but dammit I want to believe again! I mention this because last weekend Harrison Ford and Karen Allen both independently noted that the fifth film was moving forward. They had cracked the "Macguffin" (or irrelevant artifact) that they will be searching for, and the scriptwriting was happening. I'm going to hold out hope. I am! Against all odds and evidence, against the title waves of people saying "oh, God, the last one sucked," I'm going to be the lone voice of optimism. There it is folks, there's what sets this little blog apart: This is the place that's stupidly excited about the next Indiana Jones movie in the face of all evidence to the contrary.