Um, there is no choice here

Did you know that Amy Adams used to be a Hooter's girl?
So let that be a lesson to all douches making lewd comments and considering inappropriate touching, as well as an inspiration to those working for a tasteless establishment named after slang for your body parts who are constantly besieged by the gropers and the pinchers! Be nice to Hooter girl because Hooter girl may one day become hella-famous! If, by some chance, you do end up walking in Ms. Adams' overpriced pumps, hopefully you do not make a simple decision more complicated as the delightful redhead is currently doing. See, she has a choice between three roles right now:

1. Opposite Matt Damon in director Cameron Crowe's We Bought a Zoo, in which she would play the wife of a man who...um...bought a zoo
2. Opposite Chris Pine in first-time director Alex Kurtzman's Welcome to People, in which she would play a single mother and struggling alcoholic
3. Opposite MUPPETS IN THE NEW MUPPET MOVIE

For real? This is a dilemma for you? Is the dilemma how to tell Crowe and Kurtzman they can suckity suck suck it? Is it that you don't want Damon and Pine's feelings to be hurt that you'd rather rub up against Gonzo? Seriously, what the problem is? You get offered a chance to act with Kermit, YOU DO IT! I can only hope for the sake of the legacy that is "The Girl from Hooters who Made Good" that she chooses well. That, or I'm going to have a new preemptive tip to hand out to those Hooter waitresses. I kid, of course, as I've never set foot in a Hooters because I value dignity.

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This Ryan knows Jack!

Warning, this post is written about a Ryan about a character named Jack Ryan and features a director named Jack. If you're still with me, good for you it wasn't that complicated. The evolution of Jack Ryan is shown here:
You start out with early 90s Alec Baldwin, infused with the wild sexuality of a mountain lion on viagra, far from calling his daughter a pig on her voicemail and getting to touch Tina Fey on the regular. Then you go to in-his-prime Harrison Ford, back when he could still run and jump like a girl and act surly without appearing to be a grumpy old man. They you have Ben Affleck who had yet to be remade by sharing a bed with Jennifer Garner and had yet to discover his true life calling was directing. Finally, you have the new Jack Ryan, Chris Pine, who was supposed to blow up like a Klingon sex bomb after Star Trek and instead has not done anything. Well the big announcement now is that Jack Bender, who directed the best episodes of "Lost" and "Alias" is going to likely direct Moscow, the prequelicious return to the spy series. I say huzzah. Why? Because it's more fun to say than "cool." Also, because espionage movies are the shit. Salt is killing it right now and isn't anything special at all really. It's just good fun with international intrigue. I liked Jack Ryan at every single point really, so huzzah to his fourth resurrection!!

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Tuesday Dumping

This isn't going to become a permanent column. I don't want my Junk Drawer getting jealous. Still, I'm face with two choices: Either (A) overlook a bounty of interesting news or (B) dump it, and dump it fast. I'm going with choice (B), because I think this dump will make me feel better.

Here are a bunch of quick looks at stories I should spend more time on but won't because I'm busy and because I'm thinking about "Lost."

• If they weren't talking about whether or not Kevin Smith is too fat to fly Southwest Airlines (a feud that has launched 10,000 fat jokes), everyone in the world was talking about a certain rumor. This includes the Godfather of movie critics Roger Ebert (be he ever so holy). Everyone was tweeting and posting and commenting and generally spazzing to the max about a potential remake/sequel of Taxi Driver by Lars von Trier that would have the blessing of Martin Scorsese and potentially feature Robert DeNiro. Interesting thoughts were espoused on the subject, huge treatises were written, much flagellation and whining and gnashing of teeth occurred...and it turns out it's all a load of shit. von Trier's business partner tells ScreenDaily that it ain't happenin'...and it was never happenin'. Rumor = KaSMOOSHED.
• While we're in the business of KaSMOOSHING, Chris Pine probably won't be Captain America. I know, he'd probably be great, but are we really ready to live in a world where Captain Kirk and Captain America are the same person? Too weird. I mean, unless you had Shatner doing both, because then F**K YEAH! He would over-emote the Red Skull to death, yo.
  
  
  
  Anyway, it ain't happening because Joe Johnston already claimed he wanted an unknown for the part ages ago, and if that weren't enough, I think the shooting would at least potentially conflict with his "Stardates." Are there really enough nerd properties out there now that famous dudes each get two? Ryan Reynolds as both Deadpool AND Green Lantern for example? This seems a bit greedy to me.
  
• Oscar nominees are being asked to prepare 2 scripts for thank yous this year. One with the cool stuff we like to hear (when they try to relate to world peace, world hunger, or totally just sound like shallow asshats who don't understand that 99% of what they do is pure entertainment and not game-changing art), and one with every accountant, tax preparer, and grape fluffer who make their lives easy. The latter will be filmed by a camera to be shown on the internet and the former will be what goes out live. Nobody's going to do this, for fear that in relegating their accountant to the Internets they'll suddenly develop massive tax problems, but it's a good idea. I hope some people do it. It makes for a more interesting show and I don't think it makes anybody look less gracious. I think this may be a good excuse to have the winners put the spotlight on themselves, something you KNOW they want to do anyway.
• A new Tron Legacy trailer may be released on February 24th. In related news NOBODY BOTHER ME ON FEBRUARY 24th. Apparently, there's a countdown of some kind using viral marketing that suggests the new trailer will drop that day. I hope so because I'm itchin' for some glowin' lightcycles like you wouldn't believe!
  
• Finally, I saved the most hallucinatory for last, Nick Cave is doing a motion capture version of The Threepenny Opera with Gollum. Yep. That's Nick Cave + Andy Serkis (the guy who played Gollum in Lord of the Rings) + CGI animation + Bertold Brecht's "Threepenny Opera" = Holy shit that's insane. I'm pretty sure this will give my nightmares nightmares...but I kind of can't wait.

Okay, now we're caught up. On to "Lost!"

If at third you don't succeed...

For those who haven't had the pleasure, Star Trek will soon be gracing us on home video and should be watched and watched and watched and watched until you are asked to stop by an angry, jealous William Shatner. It's very good, and one of the reasons for this goodness is Christopher Pine, who made Captain James T Kirk more than just some modern Shat-tastic impression but an actual (gasp) character. He was suave, smooth, funny...and apparently beguiling to both sexes. I mention all of this because Variety reports that Pine may be the new Jack Ryan. Pine would be adding his name to the list of actors to play hot potato with the role. Including The Hunt for Red October, Patriot Games, Clear and Present Danger, and The Sum of All Fears, we've had three Jack Ryans, each willing to only take the role briefly. So, Christopher Pine, with the world at your fingertips, let's show you who's role you're inheriting, shall we?

First was this guy:

Shown here with his optional chest carpet, Hairy McChestington (aka Alec Baldwin) held the role for but one film...a film in which Sean Connery used his accent to play a Russian. Um, okay.

Next came

Shown here with his optional "how can I be old, do you see this earring?" accessory, Harrison Ford was the dedicated workhorse of the series, doing two whole episodes in which he jumped funny and pointed his finger.

Then you have

Shown here with his optional detachable jaw and ALL of the hamburgers, Ben Affleck did one of his better "leading man" jobs in The Sum of All Fears.

Will Chris Pine be able to stand into the role of these titans of manhood? Only time will tell. Also, the Ben Affleck picture made me both nauseous and hungry, if that's possible.