Web of Lies: Noooooooooo

Remember when we told you about the short list for Spider-man's gal? Well, it just got longer by a nose...a surgically altered nose.
That's Hilary F**king Duff. HILARY F**KING DUFF. And whether or not she gets the part, what she currently has is a copy of the new Spider-man script, which I will only assume she can read. We know that she has a copy because someone who was there to interview her NHL-playing husband saw it sitting in their house. If someone came to interview my wife, the breaking news would be "dude has a lot of coffee cups." While I would love her to play Kraven or The Lizard, I believe that chances are better she's going to be up for the role of Gwen Stacy, which makes my soul bleed more than when they did what they did to Gwen Stacy in the comic. I know I should give up all hope on this project, that I should treat it like it exists in some alternate reality where monkeys rule the planet.

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That gaping hole in my soul

Yeah, so today's the day I'd usually be talking about last night's "Lost." Except, there is no more last night's "Lost." I'm sure that like any loss, I'll one day feel whole again, but it would sure help if Evangeline Lilly were here to kiss the boo-boos and make it all better. Instead, there's news that another sexy Lostie is about to get a shot at fame and fortune. Avengers News says that Josh Holloway, he of chesty glory, has been picked up to...do something in some movie. Yeah, that's as specific as they get. He's been tasked to play "a major role" in "an upcoming movie." Many have started inserting him instantly into The Avengers in every role from Ant-Man to Dum-Dum Dugan (yes, somehow someone heard "major role" and thought "Dum-Dum Dugan"). I think the former is more likely, although there's still the chance that the studio ditched Jeremy Renner and inserted Holloway into the Hawkeye role, which is about the best fit I could see for him. Then again, who is to say that this isn't for some other movie? A headliner in some other film we're not thinking of? I mean, seeing as how even though I love the guy I acknowledge the only superhero that springs to mind for him is Gambit and that's at another studio, it could be absolutely any other role (except Black Panther).

All I know is that whatever role he is in better have a few of these in the script:



Speaking of Marvel casting, I still haven't given up on the #donald4spiderman twitter campaign, and you shouldn't either. The more I think about it, the better of an idea it is. I will say that all the hate directed on the interwebs about the race issue is enough to make me champion this cause extra hard. I talked to a guy (non-hate-filled, but not exactly open-minded) on Twitter yesterday who said "What if they offered Luke Cage to a white guy." I explained how stupid that would be, on account of his race being KEY to his character. Facts are facts: Spider-man is my favorite character, I've studied him for years, and he doesn't have to be white. He does need to be funny and played with affection: He needs to be Don Glover.

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Web of Lies: We've got some good news and bad news

It's been awhile since last we weaved this tangled web of lies. When last we spoke, it was revealed that Marc Webb had been slated to direct the rebooted Spider-man (presumably on the basis of his pun-spawning last name). FYI: This reboot should no longer be called Spider-man 4 (since it is not); it should be called Amazing Spider-man but will likely be called Spider-Man Origins: Rise of the Spider-Man or something equally as atrocious. Or not. Follow me on this interesting (and somewhat frightening) tangent, won't you.

It goes like this (give yourself five points if the phrase "it goes like this" makes you think of Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah"...but deduct 15 if you thought of any version but Cohen's or Buckley's and deduct 35 if you thought of Timberlake's recent slo-mo version): UK gossip mag OK says that Zac Effron may be the new Peter Parker, a fact that only furthers the fear of potential singing (what with Webb's now famous song in 500 Days of Summer and Peter Parker's unholy dance number in Spider-man 3). That's terrible. But what may not be terrible is how this came to be. Right now, as Slashfilm points out, Effron is linked to a project involving Brian Michael Bendis (the writer of "Ultimate Spider-man" comics and various other awesomeness). So, there's a chance that Sony, who wants more high-schooly Spidey stuff, has sought out Bendis, who primarily writes high-schooly Spidey stuff, to polish up some scripts...and he connected the gang to Effron, who is a terrible choice. The quesiton for me is, am I willing to take an Effron if I get a Bendis?
Well, maybe if he cuts his damn hair. Seriously, the villain in the movie can't win on the basis that emo Spidey smacks into a building because his mask pushed his hair in his eyes. I don't know squat about Effron, being that I've avoided his movies as though they came with free herpes. Maybe he's okay, maybe not. I do know that if Bendis is involved, things just got better.

Web of Lies: Spider-man 4...no more?

What's funny about Twitter is that it often becomes the urinary trough for peeing contests between competing movie rumor sites. Over the last few weeks, IESB (one of the legends in "the game"...and by "the game," I mean talking about movies, which is far less tough than anything else that has ever been referred to as "the game") reported that Spider-man 4 was in trouble...big trouble...the kind of trouble you may not recover from. Then along came MTV's Splash Page (which is kind of douchey in that they mostly just suckle from the teat of Twilight and bilk the comic book fanboys by tossing out wild rumors and aspersions) to say that this was hogwash. The battle lines were drawn. In the end, the winner was...IESB, as various news outlets began reprinting an email from inside one of the visual effects groups noting that production was cancelled "because Sam Raimi hates the story." Good for you, Sammy! The supposed bone of contention is the villain. Raimi apparently wants John Malkovich and ONLY John Malkovich (likely to play The Vulture) and the studio wants (or wanted, depending on the reports) Anne Hathaway to play The Vulturess (a character invented for the movie). Good news! We have an excuse to post a picture of Anne Hathaway.

The obvious problem is that (A) two villains is not a good idea and (B) the Vulturess is stupid. Why not include The Black Cat as was rumored...or punt the whole thing. The reason this whole "not having a script thing" is important is because the principle players are locked into contracts and are quite busy. What I'm saying is this: If this drags on, and rewriting or creating an entirely new script is not a quick process, Raimi may lose his players (please lose Kirsten Dunst, please lose Kirsten Dunst). Were I a betting man, I'd say...this film isn't going to happen as it was conceived. I'm saying no Raimi, no Maguire, no Dunst. I'm saying back to the drawing board. This reminds me of the original quest to bring Spidey to the big screen, only back then we were talking about director James Cameron and star Leonardo DiCaprio, back when Kirsten Dunst was only a whiny, misshapen pup. I want a new Spidey movie. Bad. But I don't want a new bad Spidey movie. I hope Raimi holds out until it's right or walks away.

Web of Lies: Good news/bad news

Once more we return to the sticky wicket that is the Spider-man 4 casting process. As you may recall, we have moved through a veritable who's who of hotties in a quest to find a new female figure in the new Spidey outing. When the rumors began flying like bagels in a bagel fight (if you don't know about a bagel fights...you're lucky...damn lucky), we created Web of Lies to document the continued falsehoods and excuses to post hot pictures of lovely actresses. Well, here we are again, and we get to post more awesome images:

Wow, there may be nothing worse than seeing John Malkovich when you think you're about to see something beautiful. Seriously, if he and James Carville were to have a freaky-face contest, humanity would be destroyed. Now, the scuttlebutt right now is one that should cause people like me, a dude with more Spider-man comics than he has DNA strands, into a frenzy. See, according to Movieline, Malkovich will play The Vulture. That much is actually cool, because he is a talented actor and looks the part (see):

It's the second part that will send fans nuts. Apparently, the Vulture will have a daughter named Felicia Hardy who becomes the Vulturess. In the comics, Felicia Hardy is the Black Cat, a skin-tight-suit wearing cat burgler with bad luck powers. Of course, this may be a little too close to Catwoman for some people, and as we all know, after Halle Berry's effort, no one should be close to Catwoman. This irritating news is buffered by the fact that this is the lady playing The Vulturess (who needs a better name, STAT):

Now, allow me a brief aside here. I'm cool with this. I'll tell you the reasons why as briefly as I am able and if you stay, I'll give you another Anne Hathaway picture.

1.) I like it because it mirrors the father/son Green Goblin stuff. Thematic echoing is big for Raimi and it works here.

2.) I like it because the Black Cat, while hot, was a stupid character. She had BAD LUCK powers, for the love of God, and when ISN'T a woman in comics dressed in skin tight leather. If she were any less original of a character, she'd have been "created" by Stephanie Meyers.

3.) I like it because it will provide great mid air visuals, which have been my favorite effects moments in the series.

4.) I like it because it isn't Venom.

5.) I like it because movies are not comic books. Let's face facts, people, everybody flipped shit over the "organic web shooters" in the first film and it was great. Purists don't seem to understand that the biggest issue at hand is whether or not the movie is good. I don't care that Felicia Hardy is going to be the Vulturess, I care that the Vulturess not suck like Topher Grace did.

So, there you go, the latest in our web of lies. Now, as promised, less of me and more Anne Hathaway.

You're welcome.

Spidey-sense tingling! (Get used to this)

I'm going to be wrapped around Spider-man 4 news tighter than a high-school girl's Twilight book cover wraps around her History textbook. If you don't like that, there are plenty of blogs out there that deal with important social issues (like the one called "This Is Why You're Fat"). With the fourth film ramping up production, I'm going to be freaking out on a near daily basis over some rumor or another, only to find out that they're all malarkey. Buckle-up Spider-fans (or mild Spider-enthusiasts), it's going to be a bumpy ride (and by bumpy ride, I mean volumes of idle speculation and lurid photos). Speaking of which

That long-legged lovely above (who is showing that she has the physical prowess to be the Black Cat in Spider-man 4) has now officially claimed she is not the Black Cat in Spider-man 4. McAdams tells Entertainment Weekly that it's a bunch of hokey, but we've heard this song and dance many, many, many times before. Like when Bradley Cooper said he hadn't heard about The A-Team or The Green Lantern, both of which he was considered for. I'm not going to say that I totally dismiss what that lovely, lovely lady says...but we'll have to wait and see. The second bit of news is far more concerning...SpoilerTV has reportedly snagged a call sheet that is asking for twin toddler boys with red hair...leading everyone to believe that there's a chance Spidey knocked up MJ and have a little spider-baby. Well, let me be the first to say calm down. If I were guessing, I would say that this is for a dream sequence of some kind. That or they've finally made a good choice and married MJ off to someone else. I doubt that second one, but the first one makes the most sense to me. There's no way, NO WAY that they are dumb enough to Superman Returns this thing after the turd that was Spider-Man 3. They have too much to prove. Plus, with the role of the Black Cat (whomever may play her) almost totally for sure, the thought of introducing a love interest for a guy who just had a kid is too much for a superhero movie...at least I hope so. Oh, and then there's this problem. You can't expect us to believe that Peter Parker would knock up this:

when he could get with this

Suspension of disbelief my butt.

An excuse for more Spidey chatter and McAdams pics

In my daily trolling to bring you the best of the best of the bullshit news, I have been stumbling across people stumbling over themselves to talk about Spider-man 4. See, the film is starting production soon, which means we are very quickly going to having things we thought to be rumors confirmed and things we thought to be totally confirmed blown apart. Case in point, Slashfilm.com verified with Hey U Guys that the Black Cat is in the new script and that the following actresses HAVE been considered for the role:

(Rachel McAdams...shown once more at what had to be the best photo shoot in the history of photos and shooting)

and

Romola Garai (who looks almost exactly like Bryce Dallas Howard)

Supposedly, this version of the Black Cat will be the daughter of someone who usurps the Daily Bugle from J. Jonah Jameson (egad!). Her daddy may or may not himself be a villain, potentially the Vulture, but that would be kind of lame. Personally, I would like to see them work with a smaller villain or bring back Doc Ock (not going to happen), but I think that tying the Black Cat to the Vulture seems kind of like the sort of thing Sam Raimi has liked doing in this series. The only problem I foresee is that Raimi is going to try to convince us that Peter Parker would choose this:

over this

Yeah, didn't think so.

If this is true, the cat is in the bag

Stop the presses, folks. The inter-blog-o-net-o-sphere just erupted with the following rumor: Rachel McAdams is going to be the black cat in Spider-man 4. Visually, that means:

is gonna play

Heart...stopping...in...chest....

I'm so happy right now.

Supposedly, hit mania.com has it on good authority that McAdams's Black Cat (wow that feels good to say) will be paired with a male villain who will not be the Lizard. Because the kitty is a thief, my brain instantly flashes to the Kingpin, which would be great if they have the rights to him. If not, I hope it's another mafioso type guy, because it would be great to see all of the effects money go to Spidey himself, not some whacked out baddie. They've done big, let's try small. Plus, this fits with what worked in the second movie, a bad guy who Peter is connected to as well. This could sooooo redeem the franchise...and change my life.

Spider-man vs the studio

According to Variety, Spider-man's fate rests in the pen of this guy:



His name is James Vanderbilt, and I'm going to try to forgive his unfortunate facial hair, his Axe-body-spray hair cut, and the fact that this looks like a date rapist's mug shot. Oy. The bigger concern than my obvious snap judgment about people's appearances, is that Sony has hired the man to write Spider-man 5 and 6, without knowing if they'll have to reboot because Maguire and Dunst are leaving. Look, this ain't Harry Potter, we know the chances are high that this role will be replaced, but knowing whether you're going to be following a literal extension of a storyline from what has been established or kickin' the do-over button is important. Supposedly, the idea that good-ole "Douchey Magee" up there has will span two movies and will involve a simultaneous two-picture shoot. After the vortex of suck formed around the last movie (I know, I reviewed it positively, but thankfully The Reader only keeps an online archive of like 2 weeks or something, so I can start denying it...thank God they have no faith in the sustained viability of the Internet"), a ton is riding on this next endeavor, which Vanderbilt wrote the first draft of...before playwright David Lindsay-Abaire was brought in to rewrite...before Gary Ross was brought in to rewrite that. So, yeah, apparently Vanderbilt's work was so vital they had to bring on two more writers to poke at it (please don't let the villain in this one be male-pattern baldness, the only enemy Vanderbilt TRULY fears). Raimi supposedly did not care for all of Vandy's ideas, which is really reassuring, considering he is the most talented thinker involved on the series. Now, the good news is that Vanderbilt had a hand in Zodiac, which was good if really, really boring, and he also penned The Losers, based on the comic book, and that will likely see the light of day before Spider-man 5 and 6 get rolling, so there's time to fire Captain Pornstache before it's too late, if needs be. Look, I'm just protective, okay, I really love Spidey and the last outing was so bad that I need to believe again. Plus, the Spidey musical is having funding problems, so I may never get that Bono/The Edge Spider-man music that I need to survive (just typing that was hard through my tears). Please, help me Sergeant Soul-Patch, you're my only hope.

Quick clips for Thursday July 9

Don't you worry, Will Smith's gonna be just fine...

Although he made 7 Pounds, the worst film to feature jellyfish since Jellyfish: The Musical, Will Smith is apparently not done making movies. He is, however, enjoying some time off seeing China while his son ruins your memory of The Karate Kid (seriously, can we just call this Yo, Karate Kid and be done with it). Variety is reporting that the man who made a nation repeat the word "jiggy" just because he wanted to is going to reunite with Francis Lawrence, who somehow wasn't executed for his work on Constatine (I kid, I didn't mind that movie...then again, find me a movie with a wet Rachel Weisz I don't like and I'll buy you a life-size Rachel Weisz Pez dispenser...I don't know, I'm probably legally drunk right now). The two will reunite (whether you like it or not) for City That Sailed for 20th Century Fox (the studio who would actually physically eat you for money if they could). The film is about a father who lives across the ocean from his daughter...and somehow his bond with her is so strong Manhattan splits off. Yes, I'm effing serious. Now, if I switch some names (like say, Will Smith for Ryan Gosling and Michael Gondry for Francis Lawrence), this concept sounds almost interesting (seriously, if they don't use Death Cab for Cutie's "Transatlantacism" in the movie, it's only because they are really dedicated to making a crappy movie). As it stands, I'd put it just ahead of Oldboy in my list of rumored Smith projects. I would actually rather see him as Captain America than see him in a movie this hokey. See, it's from F**ks Studios, so they instantly hired the guys behind Ocean's 13 to rewrite the original draft by Andrew Niccol (The Truman Show), because by the transitive property of bad management, making a mediocre third installment is more valuable than making something good. It's the same logic that produced X-Men Origins: Wolverine, so don't question it or you'll have your mouth sewn shut.

Let's talk about Moore, baby

Officially, the reason for this post is because Michael Moore has confirmed that the title of his next movie will be Capitalism: A Love Story (a clever title, if I do say so at great personal risk). Unofficially, let's talk about why everybody hates the shit out of Michael Moore. Oh, don't get me wrong, he's as obnoxious as an opinionated family member you can't talk trash on because you want to inherit money from, but he's also (A) pretty smart and (B) a pretty entertaining filmmaker. Plus, he's kind of right...on a lot of things. Somehow, Moore has become a human pinata (nobody start with the fat jokes...actually, please do, I swear to God I'm going to light this comment section on fire if somebody doesn't start using it) despite being, you know, pretty right about Bush being a giant flaming douchehammer, pretty right about the unnecessary reactions to Columbine, more-than-pretty-right about the douche-itude of GM, and totally right about the effed up nature of the health care system. See, most people don't like MICHAEL MOORE, not what Michael Moore actually focuses on. This is a crazy distinction that has been the backdrop of the media's slobbery wet kiss to Michael Jackson that I just don't understand, as people seem physically incapable of separating the artist from the art, the medium from the message. Fact is, capitalism as constructed by the US has a lot of problems...how do I know that? Because the system pretty much collapsed. Yet, the first thing I see is a tweet from Screen Rant, a guy who gets more free crap than me for his repeating of stuff I repeat way sooner and funnier than him by the way, who basically intimates that Moore should be exploded from the inside out. Is Moore controversial? Yep. Is he biased? You betcha. Is every single director of a documentary biased in some way or another? I'd say about 99% of the time. See, if you hate Moore, you really just hate the liberal point of view, or at least the extreme liberal point of view, which is your right. However, if you're being honest, his documentaries aren't just among the most watchable of recent years, they're downright brilliant. I don't particularly care for Michael Moore (or Bill Maher, but that's a different story) despite my obvious liberal bent. That said, I sure do love the crap out of his movies and I sure do appreciate the intelligent conversations I have afterwards (presumably because I don't talk to people like the guy from Screen Rant). Anyway, this long and rambling post should have been condensed into one sentence "Moore names his new movie Capitalism: A Love Story" but I wanted to stretch it into something more, so I did. Do you hate Mr. Moore? If yes and Democrat, I'd love to hear why, just so I can explain it to those who violently wretch at mention of his name, like I do at the mere thought of Miley Cyr......BLEEECCCH.

Ryan's junk drawer

First and foremost, I'm going to question my own decision to put this first bit into the junk drawer...but seeing as how I've already stretched a one-word post into an entire blurb, I'm going to let myself off the hook here. Don't be mad, okay, it's Thursday (the worst day of the week...oh, sure, some of you will say Monday, but that's not true. On Monday, you're coming off the weekend and haven't been ground down by "the man" yet. Tuesday is okay because you're still not as jaded as you will be. Wednesday is comic book day and, during the winter, "Lost" is on. Thursday, on the other hand, is three full days of work into the week and is standing between you and Friday. It's an asshole day, and it's okay to admit it). Was that a long tirade? I can barely tell anymore.

Anyway, let's see what's the top 5 in the junk drawer this week:

1. The Hollywood Reporter is...reporting that Gary Ross is being brought in to rewrite Spiderman 4. Do I get nervous because this is the guy who wrote both Mr. Baseball and Lassie or rejoice because he did Dave and Pleasantville? More importantly, does this mean that Tom Selleck and/or Kevin Kline may climb out of the whole their in to play Kraven and/or The Chameleon, respectively?
2. Another Hollywood Reporter gem: Julianne Moore dropped out of the HBO movie "Special Relationship" (which is not a movie about nerds and their "delete history" buttons). She was set to play Hillary Clinton in the film about the relationship between Britain and the UK under Bill Clinton, but will be replaced by Hope Davis. This is good because I respect Hope Davis like I respect Hillary Clinton but don't find myself aroused at Hillary Clinton like I do at Julianne Moore. Sorry for that.
3. On his twitter feed, producer Frank Marshall confirms that the story about Indy 5 being a "go" is the bullshit we all thought it was. He said basically that the project is in the idea phase...meaning George Lucas hasn't had an idea bad enough yet. That may not be entirely fair but captures the cultural zeitgeist of the time. If I tell people I didn't mind the last movie, they tend to dismiss everything else I say (including "hey, run! There's a fire!).
4. Proof that I'm not the only loser out there, Slashfilm.com tries to mathematically prove Transformers 2 is the worst movie to make the most money. Such things are considered truisms in some circles, but not in the film community. Here, we rely on cold hard facts...I'm kidding, we smear and insult without reason.
5. Devin at Chud.com (whom I like for no good reason) has posted his first list of 5 Perfect Movies. For those afraid to ride the hyperlinks, I'll mention that he ingratiates himself with his Starship Troopers pick and sullies his argument with Grease. Obviously, perfection is subjective...jeez, it's like the guy is using hyperbole to get attention or something....wait a minute...