Weekend Box Office Results: The Dragon is mostly trained

The good news? The 3D extravaganza may not be as insanely huge as I feared. Sure, nobody is complaining about How to Train Your Dragon's opening weekend, but it isn't the jaw-dropping number I feared may have been posted. What I'm saying is, there's still a chance for some semblance of order to be restored. The rest of the top 5 though looks dismal. This may be the least-tasty buffet of films up top in some time. Thankfully, the Kraken gets released next weekend, and I just can't see that not being fun.

Anyhoodle, here are your weekend box office results, haiku style:

1.) How to Train Your Dragon - $43 million (Accuracy of prediction - 83.5%)

It could have been worse.
This number could be bigger.
There may still be hope.

2.) Alice in Wonderland - $14 million (Accuracy of prediction - 81%)

How is this still high?
It should have started to drop.
Damn you Tim Burton!

3.) Hot Tub Time Machine - $13 million (Accuracy of prediction - 60%)

This is a flop-o.
There were some big hopes for this...
They went...down the drain.

4.) The Bounty Hunter - $12 million (Accuracy of prediction - 77.5%)

The drop was minor.
The ladies do love Butler.
But not Aniston.

5.) Diary of a Wimpy Kid - $10 million (Accuracy of prediction - 75%)

This one fell quite hard.
The dragon took a big bite.
Thank God I don't care.

Overall accuracy of prediction - 75.5%

How fitting: a "C"
That's the grade these films deserve.
In fact, maybe less.

Okay, that's it. I know you want to be grumpy this Monday but don't be. It doesn't look good on you.

Movie Review: Hot Tub Time Machine

I see that Hot Tub Time Machine was used as frequently as a real hot tub with a band-aid floating in it. That's kind of too bad. I mean, it's not HILARIOUS, but it's funny with a lowercase f. I mean, America hoisted Alice in Wonderland up on its shoulders as though it were some kind of cinematic milestone, you think they'd at least have no problem checking out something passably funny. Oh well, here's my review:

Chunks Blown, Blow Snorted
Hot Tub Time Machine is raunch for raunch’s sake

Compared with director Steve Pink’s Hot Tub Time Machine, Joe Biden’s recent F-bomb was deployed with the grace of Mikhail Baryshnikov dancing on the head of a pin. Its grammatical diversity on full display, the F-word is no mere extravagance. Remove it, and characters are reduced to articles and conjunctions; they’d be left asking, “the and?” Josh Heald, Sean Anders and John Morris birthed a simplistic, goofy script and slapped it with raunchy until it sounded like a sailor and smelled like a crack house bathroom. Why? Because filth is the new king of comedy; sorry, Jerry Lewis.

Although the title is nearly a complete synopsis, here goes: estranged friends Adam (John Cusack) and Nick (Craig Robinson) are compelled to care for their former friend and current douche Lou (Rob Corddry) after he passively attempts suicide while listening to Mötley Crüe…which is understandable. Their solution is to take everyone, including Adam’s nephew Jacob (Clark Duke), and head to the ski lodge they loved in their teenage years. Then they climb into a hot tub time machine. The end.

Fine. Slightly more happens, although it is slight. Once in the 80s, the group bickers about the butterfly effect—the movie and the phenomenon—and do a Lohan-esque amount of drinking and drug consumption. Adam meets a potential love (Lizzy Caplan), Nick gets to sing again and Lou alternates between showing his ass and getting it kicked. It’s all inconsequential…other than waiting to see how Phil (Crispin Glover), who is a one-armed bellhop in the present day, loses his appendage.

Any movie that employs used-up Chevy Chase as the deus ex machina isn’t overly concerned about plot. What matters is laughs, and there is a sufficient amount…not an exceeding amount, but a sufficient amount. Cusack’s humor comes from our nostalgia for his 80s career, Robinson’s comes from his brilliant dead pan and Corddry’s comes from his reckless abandon. He brings bravado to every scene, from puking on a squirrel to fathering a child. What Zach Galifianakis was to The Hangover, Corddry is here.

Hot Tub Time Machine’s biggest sin isn’t its incessant sinning, it’s the jokes left on the sticky floor. The 80s get off light, as do most time-travel pop culture references. If it had kept the frat-house feel without feeling like it was written after a bender in a frat house, it could have been more than just dirty fun.

Grade = B-

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

I wish I had faith that people would listen to me about 3D, but they won't. This week is going to see a precipitous drop for Alice in Wonderland (due to 3D screen shrinkage) and a huge opening for How to Train Your Dragon (because it is getting those screens). It's a 3D world right now, and we're going to regret that. But enough ill-tempered anger and bile, it's time for laughter and glee! It's Friday! So let's make with the whimsical and launch some haikus!

Here's how I see the weekend box office, haiku style:

1.) How to Train Your Dragon - $57 million

This is somewhat high,
but that 3D stuff is big.
Let's see just how big.

2.) Hot Tub Time Machine - $21 million

I can't believe it.
This movie really exists...
and has John Cusack.

3.) Alice in Wonderland - $14 million

Should be a big drop,
but in my own opinion,
it has made too much.

4.) Diary of a Wimpy Kid - $13 million

It would hold better,
if not for the damn dragon.
Still not a flop, though.

5.) The Bounty Hunter - $9 million

As soon as it came,
It soon quickly disappeared.
Just as it should be.

No Wildcard this week. I'm feeling too good about the above calls. That's it for me, I'll hit you up with a weekly round-up and then say goodbye! Have a great weekend!