Weekend Box Office Results: The Dragon is mostly trained

The good news? The 3D extravaganza may not be as insanely huge as I feared. Sure, nobody is complaining about How to Train Your Dragon's opening weekend, but it isn't the jaw-dropping number I feared may have been posted. What I'm saying is, there's still a chance for some semblance of order to be restored. The rest of the top 5 though looks dismal. This may be the least-tasty buffet of films up top in some time. Thankfully, the Kraken gets released next weekend, and I just can't see that not being fun.

Anyhoodle, here are your weekend box office results, haiku style:

1.) How to Train Your Dragon - $43 million (Accuracy of prediction - 83.5%)

It could have been worse.
This number could be bigger.
There may still be hope.

2.) Alice in Wonderland - $14 million (Accuracy of prediction - 81%)

How is this still high?
It should have started to drop.
Damn you Tim Burton!

3.) Hot Tub Time Machine - $13 million (Accuracy of prediction - 60%)

This is a flop-o.
There were some big hopes for this...
They went...down the drain.

4.) The Bounty Hunter - $12 million (Accuracy of prediction - 77.5%)

The drop was minor.
The ladies do love Butler.
But not Aniston.

5.) Diary of a Wimpy Kid - $10 million (Accuracy of prediction - 75%)

This one fell quite hard.
The dragon took a big bite.
Thank God I don't care.

Overall accuracy of prediction - 75.5%

How fitting: a "C"
That's the grade these films deserve.
In fact, maybe less.

Okay, that's it. I know you want to be grumpy this Monday but don't be. It doesn't look good on you.

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

I wish I had faith that people would listen to me about 3D, but they won't. This week is going to see a precipitous drop for Alice in Wonderland (due to 3D screen shrinkage) and a huge opening for How to Train Your Dragon (because it is getting those screens). It's a 3D world right now, and we're going to regret that. But enough ill-tempered anger and bile, it's time for laughter and glee! It's Friday! So let's make with the whimsical and launch some haikus!

Here's how I see the weekend box office, haiku style:

1.) How to Train Your Dragon - $57 million

This is somewhat high,
but that 3D stuff is big.
Let's see just how big.

2.) Hot Tub Time Machine - $21 million

I can't believe it.
This movie really exists...
and has John Cusack.

3.) Alice in Wonderland - $14 million

Should be a big drop,
but in my own opinion,
it has made too much.

4.) Diary of a Wimpy Kid - $13 million

It would hold better,
if not for the damn dragon.
Still not a flop, though.

5.) The Bounty Hunter - $9 million

As soon as it came,
It soon quickly disappeared.
Just as it should be.

No Wildcard this week. I'm feeling too good about the above calls. That's it for me, I'll hit you up with a weekly round-up and then say goodbye! Have a great weekend!

Ryan's Junk Drawer

What's up kittie cats? Welcome to another chance to see my junk. I know it's the moment you wait all week for, impatiently looking at your calendars, asking "is today the day? Is today the DAY I VIEW RYAN'S JUNK?!" Yes, yes it is. Now, about 90% of people asking that question are well aware that by junk, I mean "movie tidbits that aren't big enough to warrant a full post." The other 10% are really, really disappointed right now. Chin up, perverts, maybe next week. As is our special Thursday tradition, we begin by looking at the creepy, creepy ass junk drawer image from Highlights Magazine (FOR CHILDREN) above and pick an item from it to make up a weird story about. Today's item is the tiny rope in the upper left-hand corner. Despite the impressive effort it took to create such a thick, sturdy rope of appropriate length from the few strands of browned grass, Paul couldn't let things proceed. Try though he might, Paul couldn't think of a single reason that Papa Smurf wanted to kill himself that badly. "I'm surrounded by smurfin' half-wits," Papa had explained, "I need a smurfin' out, man. You don't know what it's smurfin' like here. Sweet Jesus I want to smurfin' die. I swear to you, I'm one wacky adventure away from smurfin' mass murder." Although Paul knew Papa would try to find a different way, by keeping the noose in his junk drawer, he ensured that he would never one day look down on the mushroom kingdom to find its ruler swinging in the wind.

Now, on to this week's movie nuggets!

1.) I know the title of the last episode of "Lost" - It's so ground-breaking, so shocking, so revelatory that I can't even...pretend that this is the truth. It's called "The End." Not exactly jaw-dropping, is it? On the one hand, it actually makes me happy, I mean, not as happy as this:

The reason the title brings some joy to my life is that it seems to suggest that they are at least TRYING to fully wrap up the story. I know that's what they've promised for a long time now, but they also lied to us a whole lot. Remember the whole "everything has a scientific explanation" bullcrap line? Unless Jacob is suddenly revealed to be a time-traveling robot, I don't think that's true. I do think that they'll leave numerous dangling participles and hanging chads, but for the most part, the title seems to indicate an intent to be declarative about the series' finale. That makes me happy. Not slapping-Claire happy, but happy.

2.) El Diablo strikes another deal - I love me some Diablo Cody. That fiesty ex-stripper deserves better than the backlash she's unfairly suffered for years now, and she makes a damn good point when talking about the script she just sold: Young Adult. First off, she describes it as "f**ked up," which I love. THR reports that it's about “a thirtysomething, divorced, young-adult fiction writer in Minneapolis who returns to her hometown to chase the ex-boyfriend, who’s now married with a kid, that got away.” That doesn't necessarily sound f**ked up, but that's because we instinctively think of the neutered, Sandra Bullock-friendly version that we've become accustomed to. Sorry, I know it's too soon to be making Bullock references, what with the fact that her marriage fell apart. Seriously, what's with people making such a big deal about that. Does it suck? Hell yes it sucks. That tattooed, hog-faced douche-nozzle ought to be ashamed of himself for pumping the exhaust of a tranny-looking, fake-boobed Nazi. But it's one of about a billion Hollywood marriages that have ended this way, and the global decision that we care most about Bullock's is weird to me. Anyhoodle, back to Diablo's movie. Diablo explains that the f**ked up part is that the female lead is an anti-hero. Not a freakshow like Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction, but more fundamentally broken a la Mickey Rourke in The Wrestler. This is interesting to me. It sounds like a complex role that is nuanced and different...and it's for a female?! I know it may be older than the "30-something" that Diablo described, but I'd get Julianne Moore for this and get her an Oscar. Just my opinion.

3.) Mission Impossible 4 is for the Bird? - I won't defend Mission Impossible 3 ad naseum again (but it was really good, jerks), but my excitement for MI4 just picked up even further. So should yours. You see, HeatVision is reporting that Brad Bird may direct. Who is he? Well he just so happened to direct The Incredibles, Ratatouille, and Iron Giant. Now, I know what you're thinking, but when you really stop and consider it, is directing a cartoon really that different from directing Tom Cruise? Especially when he'll be against a green screen a lot with tons of computer-generated effects. Bird isn't just a good director, he's a great one. I adore each of those movies listed above, and he has more than earned the good will to do whatever project he wants in my humble opinion. I'd get him to have a hand in the screenplay too. I think the decision to skew this franchise more towards fun was a good one, as the first one took itself far too seriously and the second one took itself far to John Woo-y. I know that nobody but me is saying it, but I'm saying it loud enough to be obnoxious: I CAN'T WAIT FOR MISSION IMPOSSIBLE 4.

4.) Rewarding evil with evil - This is the world we live in: You write poopy poop poop and you get a big payday to write even more poopy poop poop. Fact is, even if you LIKED Alice in Wonderland, it wasn't because you thought Linda Woolverton's script rocked. It was because you're an unabashed Tim Burton/Johnny Depp apologist or you're 13 and gothy. The script was not just stupid, it was a savaging of the work of Lewis Carroll...for no good reason. From my perspective, this was a literary hate crime. So the fact that THR is reporting that Woolverton is writing Maleficent, a retelling of Sleeping Beauty from the point of view of the evil queen, fills me with all the excitement of waiting to be cut in half by a chainsaw. Plus, this only increases the chances that Tim "I'm a hack, follow me off this cliff lemmings!" Burton is going to get involved. Okay, if you get Johnny Depp to play the evil queen MAYBE I'm interested, but if it ends up being Helena Bonham Carter, I may have to genetically turn myself into a dragon and breathe fire on every print of the film. I like the "evil-perspective" concepts of stories, like "Grendel," and we haven't seen many of them. This could be good...or could have been good until Woolverton got to it. Yucky.

5.) Trailers, parked - We've got nothing but new versions of old trailers this week, but that doesn't mean they're not entertaining.

First up is the last Last Airbender trailer...okay, I don't know that, but I don't think there's much else to show. If you set aside the hatred that we've all justifiably accumulated for M. Night Shyamalan, this looks good.


Despicable Me looks slightly more Pixar than Ice Age to me, but I may be getting fooled here. I like how they've done the advertising, and I love the voice talent. Heck, I really love that the score is being done by Pharrell and Hans Zimmer. This could be fun.



Adele Blanc-Sec looks like wacky French joy to me. I liked the first two trailers and I didn't even have English subtitles. This is one I'll likely have to catch on DVD, but I'll be happy to do so.


Okay, that's all the junk I have to show today. Come back tomorrow for our usual Friday excitement...and by excitement I mean fairly boring crap. But it's all made with love.

Weekend Box Office Results: Alice can (wonder) land in hell...

Okay, how long is this going to keep going? The success of Alice in Wonderland has officially made me root for How to Train Your Dragon to win next week. How do you think that makes me feel? I want the derivative Dreamworks 3D animated movie to topple the derivative Disney 3D movie. This is like choosing to date one gal above another because "she has more teeth." The only other news of note this box office day is that Diary of a Wimpy Kid overperformed. It's not really news that Repo Men underperformed (because that shit is weeeeeiiirrd). This weekend didn't really warrant any further reaction than this. I shall move on.

Here's the weekend results, haiku style:

1.) Alice in Wonderland - $34.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 95%)

If I were Burton,
I'd just use the same haiku
I already wrote.

2.) Diary of a Wimpy Kid - $21.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 75.5%)

Not a bad first week,
for a film I thought was dead.
It may get sequels.

3.) The Bounty Hunter - $21 million (Accuracy of prediction - 80%)

We'll forget this one
in a very short time frame.
Like right about now.

4.) Repo Men - $6 million (Accuracy of prediction - 67%)

Jude Law flops again
Why is it he's still famous?
His time may be done.

5.) She's Out of My League - $6 million (Accuracy of prediction - 100%)

Nothing left to say
This doesn't warrant more talk.
Um, I got nothing.

Overall accuracy of prediction - 83.5%

Yet another "B."
I suppose that's not too bad.
But no honor roll.

Okay gang, that's it for me. Happy Monday. Stay positive for the week ahead!

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

If the adage in real estate is "location, location, location," the adage for movies is "scheduling, scheduling, scheduling." Nothing is positioned to compete against Alice in Wonderland. Now, the rationale from the other studios is "boy howdy, look at all the money that movie is making, I'm glad we didn't open anything against it!" What they don't realize is that it's making that much money because they didn't open anything against it. In a move akin to Pepsi saying "you know, a lot of people are buying Coke, so why don't we just wait until they're done spending money on that," Hollywood often confuses wisely avoiding the first or second weekend of a big film with stupidly abandoning a whole month. What's happening right now with Alice is positive to me in one way and one way only: It's making Summer-type money in the first three weeks of March. As I've said before, if you release something people want to see, even if it's off-season, even if other things are in the theater, people will go see it. In this case, I wish people didn't want to go see Alice, but you get the idea. That's my very topical box office rant. I now return you to your predictions:

Here's how I see the weekend, haiku style:

1.) Alice in Wonderland - $38 million

Lessons can't be learned
by T. Burton and J. Depp
with this much success.

2.) The Bounty Hunter - $17 million

This looks like a turd.
Aniston's career is crap.
Hmm..."Friends" reunion?

3.) Diary of a Wimpy Kid - $15 million

The books are well known,
but the movie has no hype.
That does not bode well.

4.) Repo Men - $10 million

Jude Law has talent
but is kind of a creeper.
That won't help him here.

5.) Green Zone - $7 million

More Iraq War flop...
People would rather forget
how bad we effed up.

WILDCARD - She's Out of My League
- $6 million
Forgive me for this:
She's Out of My League...and this
is out of my list

Weekend Box Office Results: Stop seeing the bad movie, please

I know there isn't much else out there and that you feel that you MUST now see every major 3D release (including the soon-to-be-released Kraken), but you can stop seeing Alice in Wonderland any day now. Seriously, it's not good. You don't HAVE to go do that to yourself. You can just not see something that sucks. Nobody will be mad at you. I realize this probably won't matter, as 99% of America has already seen the damn thing, but howsabout we agree not to see it twice. Can we do that? Okay, good.

Here's the weekend results, haiku style:

1.) Alice in Wonderland - $62 million (Accuracy of prediction - 93.5%)

Tim Burton you suck
This success just makes me mad.
But nobody cares.

2.) Green Zone - $14.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 74%)

Iraq War don't sell.
We try to forget it's real.
I think that's just dumb.

3.) She's out of my League - $9.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 71.5%)

A soft opening
But it's kind of expected.
This is not a hit.

4.) Remember Me - $8 million (Accuracy of prediction - 52.5%)

Robert Pattenson
Your fame may just be fading
it's in its...twilight

5.) Shutter Island - $8 million (Accuracy of prediction - 100%)

One Hundred Million!
Just the third time for Marty.
This makes me happy.

Overall accuracy of prediction - 78%

Back down to "C" grade.
I blame Tim Burton for this
Because, well, why not?

Okay, that's it for Monday. Go be productive.

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

This is a special week. Why? Because it is the first Avatar-free week since...OH DAMMIT. Who let Robert Pattinson in here? Oh, and we still have the nut punch that is Alice in Wonderland on the list. You know what? I was all set to be excited for this changing of the guard, this turning over of a happy leaf. But no, Hollywood has to go and ruin it for me. Jerks.

I guess there's nothing left to do but make haikus happen. Here's how I see the suddenly not quite as cool weekend.

1.) Alice in Wonderland - $54 million

When it comes to "holes,"
the rabbit has a big hole
as does Depp's career.

2.) Green Zone - $22 million

Damon is a star,
but the shaky-cam action
still makes people puke.

3.) Remember Me - $14 million

Tell people the end,
just to see their reaction.
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

4.) She's Out of My League - $13 million

Non-Apatow flick
That LOOKS like Apatow flicks.
Will this ruse still work?

5.) Shutter Island - $8 million

This had a great run,
Marty's budgets just increased.
Give him what he wants.

WILDCARD - Our Family Wedding - $8 million

Never heard of it
Seriously, not one time.
I don't think that's good.

Okay guys, that's my predictions for the week!

Weekend Box Office Results: So...you like 3D then?

More than Avatar, the success of Alice in Wonderland this weekend just guaranteed that each and every movie will be released in 3D starting immediately. I am not exaggerating when I say that the ludicrous box office success of this terrible, terrible movie will do more to inspire studios to instantly switch all productions to 3D than Avatar's success, because Avatar was a phenomenon while Alice is a turd. The studio KNEW Alice was a turd, which is why they risked pissing off movie theater franchises by shortening the window between theatrical release and DVD release, because they figured people would see it right away, conclude it sucked, tell their friends, and the movie would be dead in a matter of weeks. This may still happen, but the fact that 3D bumped the thing into rarefied air only previously inhabited by sequels and comic book movies means we're going to be getting things like Precious in 3D. I am not kidding.

So let's take a minute to look back on the staggering weekend totals, haiku style:

1.) Alice in Wonderland - $116 million (Accuracy of prediction - 84%)

I hope it's worth it.
This film took down Johnny Depp.
Damn you Tim Burton!

2.) Brooklyn's Finest - $13.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 79%)

How did this happen?
Did YOU see Brooklyn's Finest?
I think this is wrong.

3.) Shutter Island - $13 million (Accuracy of prediction - 86%)

An official hit,
at some point during this week
it tops Marty's list.

4.) Cop Out - $9 million (Accuracy of prediction - 89%)

Not quite a real hit,
at some point during this week,
it tops Kevin's list.

5.) Avatar - $7.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 97%)

With no Oscar buzz,
this is the end of the line.
Bye, bye Avatar

Overall accuracy of prediction - 87%

A solid total.
Yep, I've got the hang of it!
Now to get FAMOUS!

Okay guys, that's it. Have a great Monday!!

Movie Review: Alice in Wonderland

I am a grumpy asshole sometimes. I know that. Still, I hope that people in the world know that I don't actually begrudge them their entertainment. One man's totally awful, painful experience is another person's favorite movie. Art is subjective, even bad art. So, yes, you are totally empowered and entitled to believe that Alice in Wonderland is a good movie, even though it isn't. Here's the review:

Blather Jockey
Alice in Wonderland proves Burton has lost it

To director Tim Burton, the only thing more unimaginable than casting a minority in one of his films is allowing Johnny Depp to keep his dignity. Friends or not, if Depp had shot Burton in the face after watching the computer-generated jig his body was reanimated into performing during Alice in Wonderland’s dénouement, it would have been justifiable homicide. If something as flaccid as this exercise in 3D jackassery can leave a lasting impression, it will be remembered for the moment Depp and Burton officially became parodies of themselves.

Screenwriter Linda Woolverton was “inspired by” Lewis Carroll’s novels, insofar as “inspired by” means “encouraged to castrate and simplify.” Luckily, Carroll, a mathematician noted for playing with both words and logic, is dead, so he won’t be privy to the often dull and dumb endeavor his classic tomes served to “inspire.” The film opens with Alice, played by the so-pale-she’s-damn-near-translucent Mia Wasikowska, discussing a dream with her father. This dream is actually her first visit to Wonderland, the most boring fantasy world in all of creation, which she forgets for no explainable reason.

Fast forward and Alice is nearly 20 years old and about to be forced into marrying a yucky British royal. At the moment when Sir Snooty McBadteeth proposes, Alice sees the White Rabbit (Michael Sheen) and chases him down his magic hole. Once there, she meets some familiar faces, rendered with animation slightly less sophisticated than is used to make the Geico gecko. Tweedledee and Tweedledum (both played by Matt Lucas) and Dormouse (Barbra Windsor) can’t agree whether this Alice is the “right Alice,” so they ask the pot-smoking, er, hookah-smoking caterpillar (Alan Rickman), who speaks cryptically to further the plot.

Thankfully, the Mad Hatter (Depp) informs her that she is the correct Alice and that she must slay the Jabberwocky, the evil protector of the Red Queen (Helena Bonham Carter). The Red Queen has been given an enormously disproportionate head using computer effects presumably because Burton and Woolverton considered this both hilarious and sufficient character development. The White Queen (Anne Hathaway) doesn’t fair much better, having been painted whiter than an albino cave dweller, save for her black eyebrows and makeup. Both appear to have been costumed on some kind of dare.

The exact reason why the Red Queen must be overthrown isn’t clear; the White Queen seems to run an equal-sized kingdom, and the Red Queen’s biggest atrocities involve whacking people who stupidly choose to hang out with her and not the White Queen. The reason Alice must be the one to wield the infamous vorpal sword and slay the dragon is also unknown, as pretty much anyone in the film of appropriate size with opposable thumbs could carry the weapon and do the same thing. A fantasy film without fantasy, an ode to imagination without imagination, this is box office moviemaking at its most unabashed.

Burton’s fall from grace has been precipitous, as his last truly original endeavor was 1996’s Mars Attacks. On the other hand, Depp needs some kind of Burton-addiction intervention to save his talent; Bonham Carter is forced to participate because she’s married to Burton, Depp has no such excuse. Compounding the sadness is the fact that the director has developed an inexplicably loyal following based on previous success. If his fans follow onward from this point, they must no longer be pitied.

To be sure, Alice in Wonderland will make boatloads of money, as it has been carefully designed to exploit all key demographics; it is such a thing as dreams of Hot Topics purchases are made of. What it isn’t, what it isn’t even approaching, is good.

Grade = D

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

I predict this week's winner to be Brooklyn's Finest, which will make $10 billion worldwide! Sorry, that was just a cruel joke at the expense of Wesley Snipes, who briefly thought that such success would mean he could pay off the tax man and avoid jail. Sorry, Wes, it's still slammer time for you! On the plus side, when you're in prison, you won't be able to make more movies like Brooklyn's Finest. Oh, and how did they get to use "Run This Town" in the trailers for that movie? That song is WAAAY too good for that movie. People may get tricked into seeing it for that reason and that's not right. Now, as far as the actual biggest movie of the weekend, the one that features Johnny Depp acting crazy and Tim Burton using wacky visuals (or as the two of them like to call it, "the usual"), it's going to make a bazillion dollars but not as many bazillions of dollars as it could have if it was (A) original or (B) not going up against the Oscars on Sunday. But enough logic and analysis, let's get to some ancient Asian poetic style, shall we?

Here's how I see the weekend, haiku style:

1.) Alice in Wonderland - $78 million

Burton is lucky
the 3D craze means his crap
somehow still feels new

2.) Shutter Island - $12 million

It's still on good pace
to become Scorsese's best
at least in dollars.

3.) Brooklyn's Finest - $10.5 million

Jay-Z song aside
I can't tell you anything
this film can offer.

4.) Cop Out - $7 million

Poised to be Smith's best
of course I mean box office.
It's a shiny turd.

5.) Avatar - $7 million

Say bye-bye 3D
which means goodbye Avatar
and thank God for that.

WILDCARD - The Crazies - $6.5 million

This could keep trucking
or it could fall way far off?
I'm not good at this.

Okay guys, that's it for this week!