Weekend Box Office Results: Embracing the douche

This weekend, movie audiences spoke...and they loudly declared "We are somewhat interested in the development of social media but not to the point where it's like a phenomenon or anything but just the appropriate amount of curiosity!" Wow, what a statement! Let Me In got shut out, the creepy owls dug in their talons, and The Town continues to look like it's maybe a $100 million movie waiting to happen...and don't sleep on Easy A, as that $8 million gem keeps pulling audiences in even in its third week (probably because it's awesome). Let's take a quick deeper look, haiku style:

1.) The Social Network - $23 million (Accuracy of prediction - 95.5%)

A nice opening
for a movie with unknowns.
No offense, J.T.

2.) The Legend of the Guardians - $11 million (Accuracy of prediction - 60.5%)

Well, this is good news!
We've downgraded from major
to minor failure!

3.) Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps - $10 million (Accuracy of prediction - 100%)

Money never sleeps?
Like, not even a catnap?
That sucks for money.

4.) The Town - $10 million (Accuracy of prediction - 97.5%)

You can't stop Affleck,
you can only insult him.
Keep it up Big Ben!!!

5.) Easy A - $7 million (Accuracy of prediction - 93%)

Emma Stone kicks ass.
She deserves this huge success.
I deserve a kiss!!!

Overall accuracy of prediction - 89%

This would be higher
if it wasn't for the owls.
Damn you, dirty birds!

Okay, that's it gang. Happy Monday. Stay alive out there.

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Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

Okay gang. We're almost at that point where we part until I'm finished with my Social Network review (spoiler alert: I press the like button). But before we separate, we must consider the dollars and cents about to be parted with by movie goers. The movie we once mocked in concept form ("A movie about Facebook...yeah, like that'll be good") is now set to hit the tops of the box office, riding the wave of critical buzz and the curly hair of Jesse Eisenberg and Justin Timberlake...seriously, them boys got CURLZ...with a Z yo. Less popular will be the American remake of Let the Right One In, which people who loved the original loathe for existing and people who never heard of the original have no real interest in seeing. So, much like people who spend too much time at the gym, this weekend is pretty simple.

Here's how I see it, haiku style:

1.) The Social Network - $25 million

Much as with Facebook:
I like it, but how is it
that this makes money?

2.) Let Me In - $10 million

Why remake a gem?
Because folks hate subtitles.
"Readin' is like work!"

3.) Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps - $10 million

Money never sleeps
that's why my cash is tired.
I'll be here all week.

4.) The Town - $9.5 million

Ben's flick keeps rolling,
he's now the hot director...
and has a hot wife.

5.) Legend of the Guardians - $9 million

Who went to see this?
Get it? Because owls say "who!"
Yep, still here all week.

WILDCARD - Easy A - $8 million

Good for Emma Stone!
She may soon meet with Spidey!
I wish I was there.

Okay, that's it! I'll be back later with my review!

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Weekend Box Office Results: Greed is mediocre

Well, you can't call a first-place finish for a sequel that's more than 13 years in the making a disappointment, even if it was a tiny win. I mean, the success isn't exactly Affleckian (see how I do for you, Ben, I'm trying to make your name into an adjective for awesome), but it was a non-disappointment. Wall Street 2: Financial Boogaloo will likely drop off precipitously now, but hey, it won't be viewed as a flop. Oliver Stone's first sequel was also his first number one hit in a long, long time. In other news, America hates owls. At least ones that stab each other. And Betty White love or no Betty White love, nothing could save a generic movie like You Again. In other news, though, how about STRONG holds for Easy A and The Town, both dipping in the 35% range. That's kick-ass word of mouth for two kick-ass movies. Enough non-poetic talk, let's haiku this bitch.

1.) Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps - $19 million (Accuracy of prediction - 89.5%)

Money doesn't sleep
because it isn't alive.
This title is dumb.

2.) Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga'hoole - $16.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 89.5%)

So, "no" on the owls?
Kids don't LIKE to pee themselves.
I mean, sure, SOME do.

3.) The Town - $16 million (Accuracy of prediction - 97%)

Keep on chugging, Ben!
I love a good redemption!
You lucky butt chin!

4.) Easy A - $10.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 83%)

Holy HOLDOVER!
I told you you would love it!
Now tell all your friends.

5.) You Again - $8 million (Accuracy of prediction - 65%)

No love for this crap.
We may all love Kristen Bell,
but just not this much.

Overall Accuracy of Prediction -85%

This should be higher,
but Betty White screwed me up!
Stupid Betty White!!!

Okay, that's it folks, see you tomorrow for more fun and adventures.

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Movie Review: Legends of the Guardians

Murderbirds
The Legend of the Guardians shows owls are terrifying

Do you hate your child and never want it to sleep or enjoy nature? Then run out and show it The Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga’Hoole, a photorealistic, 3D, animated film with a kiddie-flick plot and truckloads of bird murder. If your offspring is able to endure the initial terror caused by seeing what appear to be real owls actually frickin’ talking, they should be mentally scarred by the time the villain channeling Hitler begins his wave of mutilation. Seriously though, what do you do with a gorgeous cartoon action movie too plot-stupid for grown-ups and too mind-scarring for tots?

Sporting characters with names that sound like stomach noises clearly created when novelist Kathryn Lasky fell asleep on her keyboard, TLOTG’s primary bird is Soren (Jim Sturgess). Soren is a dreamer obsessed with mythology regarding heroic owls who fought naughty owls in an epic owl fight. His brother, Kludd (Ryan Kwanten), is mad because Soren gets all the attention and doesn’t have a name that sounds like a piece of dirt. When the brothers fall out of their tree—yes, this is really the catalyst for the plot—they are kidnapped.

Turns out the evil Metal Beak (Joel Edgerton) and his queen Nyra (Helen Mirren) are running a Temple of Doom–style mining operation using young owlets from “lesser races.” Together with Gylfie (Emily Barclay), Soren escapes and stumbles into the company of the doltish Digger (David Wenham), the “warrior poet” Twilight (Anthony LaPaglia) and Mrs. Plithiver (Miram Margolyes), who is a snake and was Soren’s nanny…yes, you read that right. The gang embarks on a journey to find the guardians and stop the owl genocide of Metal Beak and his “pure ones,” leading to the most epic brawl of beak and talon since Foghorn Leghorn called the Road Runner out.

Director Zack Snyder, yes that Zack Snyder, delivers impossibly awesome visuals; an owl fight has never looked cooler. Yet John Orloff and Emil Stern’s script is like a bloated belly: stuffed but empty. Filled with cliché after cliché about following one’s heart, sorry, one’s “gizzard,” the pretty paint-by-numbers adventure would fool a young audience…if only the rest of the film were suited for them. The Legend of the Guardians is between worlds: visually arresting, strikingly simplistic and destined to be forgotten. You can’t really say it missed its target, only that it never had one to begin with.

Grade – C+

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

We have ourselves a box office battle this weekend for the top spot. In one corner: Talking owls with armored razors on their claws. In the other: Shia "The Boof" LeBeouf" and nostalgia. It's anyone's game at this point, with The Boofster having a slight edge on the grounds of him really wanting success outside of the giant robots and Megan Fox booby umbrella...ella...ella. I'm now going to get tons of hits from people looking for a Megan Fox Booby Umbrella...I should make one. Anyway, there are some other movies coming out this weekend, but not like last weekend, which was a glorious return to quality, however brief. Let's take a peek at what this weekend holds, haiku style!

1.) Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps - $23 million

Gordon Gekko lives!
But now he faces The Boof.
You don't cross The Boof.

2.) Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga'Hoole - $20 million

Talking owls that fight.
Is this movie for children?
Or just drug users?

3.) The Town - $15 million

You keep rolling, Ben.
I hope this does mega jack!
Suck on that, J-Lo!!

4.) You Again - $12 million

No more Betty White.
I think we have had enough.
Why does this exist?

5.) Easy A - $9 million

This deserves better.
The funniest film out there.
Do you hate to laugh?

No wildcard AGAIN this week, I feel that good about it. Okay, I'm going to spend my weekend thinking of the forensics team who I should be with but am not, cleaning out a giant messy garage, and sleeping. Lots of sleeping. Hope yours is as jam packed with goodness, and I'll catch you Monday.

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