Weekend Box Office Results: Embracing the douche

This weekend, movie audiences spoke...and they loudly declared "We are somewhat interested in the development of social media but not to the point where it's like a phenomenon or anything but just the appropriate amount of curiosity!" Wow, what a statement! Let Me In got shut out, the creepy owls dug in their talons, and The Town continues to look like it's maybe a $100 million movie waiting to happen...and don't sleep on Easy A, as that $8 million gem keeps pulling audiences in even in its third week (probably because it's awesome). Let's take a quick deeper look, haiku style:

1.) The Social Network - $23 million (Accuracy of prediction - 95.5%)

A nice opening
for a movie with unknowns.
No offense, J.T.

2.) The Legend of the Guardians - $11 million (Accuracy of prediction - 60.5%)

Well, this is good news!
We've downgraded from major
to minor failure!

3.) Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps - $10 million (Accuracy of prediction - 100%)

Money never sleeps?
Like, not even a catnap?
That sucks for money.

4.) The Town - $10 million (Accuracy of prediction - 97.5%)

You can't stop Affleck,
you can only insult him.
Keep it up Big Ben!!!

5.) Easy A - $7 million (Accuracy of prediction - 93%)

Emma Stone kicks ass.
She deserves this huge success.
I deserve a kiss!!!

Overall accuracy of prediction - 89%

This would be higher
if it wasn't for the owls.
Damn you, dirty birds!

Okay, that's it gang. Happy Monday. Stay alive out there.

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Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

Okay gang. We're almost at that point where we part until I'm finished with my Social Network review (spoiler alert: I press the like button). But before we separate, we must consider the dollars and cents about to be parted with by movie goers. The movie we once mocked in concept form ("A movie about Facebook...yeah, like that'll be good") is now set to hit the tops of the box office, riding the wave of critical buzz and the curly hair of Jesse Eisenberg and Justin Timberlake...seriously, them boys got CURLZ...with a Z yo. Less popular will be the American remake of Let the Right One In, which people who loved the original loathe for existing and people who never heard of the original have no real interest in seeing. So, much like people who spend too much time at the gym, this weekend is pretty simple.

Here's how I see it, haiku style:

1.) The Social Network - $25 million

Much as with Facebook:
I like it, but how is it
that this makes money?

2.) Let Me In - $10 million

Why remake a gem?
Because folks hate subtitles.
"Readin' is like work!"

3.) Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps - $10 million

Money never sleeps
that's why my cash is tired.
I'll be here all week.

4.) The Town - $9.5 million

Ben's flick keeps rolling,
he's now the hot director...
and has a hot wife.

5.) Legend of the Guardians - $9 million

Who went to see this?
Get it? Because owls say "who!"
Yep, still here all week.

WILDCARD - Easy A - $8 million

Good for Emma Stone!
She may soon meet with Spidey!
I wish I was there.

Okay, that's it! I'll be back later with my review!

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Weekend Box Office Results: Greed is mediocre

Well, you can't call a first-place finish for a sequel that's more than 13 years in the making a disappointment, even if it was a tiny win. I mean, the success isn't exactly Affleckian (see how I do for you, Ben, I'm trying to make your name into an adjective for awesome), but it was a non-disappointment. Wall Street 2: Financial Boogaloo will likely drop off precipitously now, but hey, it won't be viewed as a flop. Oliver Stone's first sequel was also his first number one hit in a long, long time. In other news, America hates owls. At least ones that stab each other. And Betty White love or no Betty White love, nothing could save a generic movie like You Again. In other news, though, how about STRONG holds for Easy A and The Town, both dipping in the 35% range. That's kick-ass word of mouth for two kick-ass movies. Enough non-poetic talk, let's haiku this bitch.

1.) Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps - $19 million (Accuracy of prediction - 89.5%)

Money doesn't sleep
because it isn't alive.
This title is dumb.

2.) Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga'hoole - $16.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 89.5%)

So, "no" on the owls?
Kids don't LIKE to pee themselves.
I mean, sure, SOME do.

3.) The Town - $16 million (Accuracy of prediction - 97%)

Keep on chugging, Ben!
I love a good redemption!
You lucky butt chin!

4.) Easy A - $10.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 83%)

Holy HOLDOVER!
I told you you would love it!
Now tell all your friends.

5.) You Again - $8 million (Accuracy of prediction - 65%)

No love for this crap.
We may all love Kristen Bell,
but just not this much.

Overall Accuracy of Prediction -85%

This should be higher,
but Betty White screwed me up!
Stupid Betty White!!!

Okay, that's it folks, see you tomorrow for more fun and adventures.

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Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

We have ourselves a box office battle this weekend for the top spot. In one corner: Talking owls with armored razors on their claws. In the other: Shia "The Boof" LeBeouf" and nostalgia. It's anyone's game at this point, with The Boofster having a slight edge on the grounds of him really wanting success outside of the giant robots and Megan Fox booby umbrella...ella...ella. I'm now going to get tons of hits from people looking for a Megan Fox Booby Umbrella...I should make one. Anyway, there are some other movies coming out this weekend, but not like last weekend, which was a glorious return to quality, however brief. Let's take a peek at what this weekend holds, haiku style!

1.) Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps - $23 million

Gordon Gekko lives!
But now he faces The Boof.
You don't cross The Boof.

2.) Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga'Hoole - $20 million

Talking owls that fight.
Is this movie for children?
Or just drug users?

3.) The Town - $15 million

You keep rolling, Ben.
I hope this does mega jack!
Suck on that, J-Lo!!

4.) You Again - $12 million

No more Betty White.
I think we have had enough.
Why does this exist?

5.) Easy A - $9 million

This deserves better.
The funniest film out there.
Do you hate to laugh?

No wildcard AGAIN this week, I feel that good about it. Okay, I'm going to spend my weekend thinking of the forensics team who I should be with but am not, cleaning out a giant messy garage, and sleeping. Lots of sleeping. Hope yours is as jam packed with goodness, and I'll catch you Monday.

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Weekend Box Office: Fear the might of Affleck

Woohoo!!! Not only did The Town open well, it opened REALLY well. Clocking in way above estimates, the film looks to secure financing and demand for more Affleck-directed movies. Although I'd trade places with Affie most days, today is high on the list. Also killing it was Easy A, which clocked in at double the budget for the film. That's not a bad way to make an impression. Less dramatically awesome was The Devil, which suffered from no cast recognition and Shyamalan repulsion. It could have some legs though.

Okay, enough chitter chatter, let's get to recappin' haiku style:

1.) The Town - $24 million (Accuracy of prediction - 85%)

Now that's how it's done.
Keep racking up the dough, Ben!
I think you earned it.

2.) Easy A - $18 million (Accuracy of prediction - 89%)

I love Emma Stone.
I also loved this movie.
Highest recommend.

3.) Devil - $12 million (Accuracy of prediction - 100%)

I can't believe it.
The biggest twist for this one,
is the critic love.

4.) Resident Evil Afterlife - $10 million (Accuracy of prediction - 100%)

Bye bye zombie folk.
The next time I see you guys...
will be a sequel.

5.) Alpha and Omega - $9 million (Accuracy of prediction - 94%)

Poor CGI wolf!
You can't catch a break, can you?
Good thing I don't care.

Overall accuracy of prediction - 94%

Check out that total!
WOW! I am incredible!
I like this Monday.

Okay, that's it. Go forth and be merry. See you tomorrow!

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Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

Eat it up, Ben!

It's your world right now, you detachable-jawed, married-above-your-paygrade dude. I love you. I always have. Now the world gets to love you too because after Gone Baby Gone and now The Town, nobody can deny you got chops, boy. This weekend is going to be awesome for you, hopefully for me too, but mostly for you. Enjoy what should be the number one movie and your wife. ALWAYS enjoy your wife.

Here's how I see the box office, haiku style:

1.) The Town - $17 million

Ben Affleck kicks ass.
I have said that for years now.
Now everyone knows!!!

2.) Easy A - $14 million

Emma Stone kicks ass.
I have loved her since day one.
Now everyone does!!!

3.) Devil - $12 million

M Night kicks no ass.
I hate him quite a bit now.
Everyone agrees.

4.) Resident Evil Afterlife - $10 million

Some zombies bite ass.
I used to love them a lot.
Now they're just okay.

5.) Alpha and Omega - $8 million

This is about wolves.
Few people really love wolves.
Their T-shirts tell you.

That's it. No wildcard needed today, I'm that ballsy and confident. Have a great early fall weekend. Enjoy football, go Bears (ahem, please God, keep the momentum of barely winning going).

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I am about to love Ben Affleck again

You know why I love Benjy? Oh, it's not just because I still rank Chasing Amy on my all-time favorite movies list or because I used to look like him back when we both had a goatee and neither of us had time for the gym or because he gets to touch Jennifer Garner every night or because he made one of the best guilty pleasure movies ever in Armageddon or because he doesn't take himself too seriously or because he is still best friends with his best friends from before he was famous or because he cast his brother in his directorial debut or because that movie, Gone Baby Gone was the best film in the year it came out. Nope. It's because he listened to me. When he made his directorial debut I predicted he would be a great director one day, not a good one or a serviceable one, but that we would one day be talking about Affleck like Eastwood, a decent actor who is an incredibly respected director. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the trailer for the second film by Ben Affleck.


Did you not get chills at that? Like a blend of The Dark Knight, The Departed, and Heat, this movie is touching so many of my buttons, it's like a 3-year-old in a skyscraper's elevator. Oooooohwweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee does it look good. Okay, I'm going to go change my pants now. While I do that, feel free to watch something fun on this Friday, like this fake trailer that explores the "Ferris Bueller/Fight Club Theory," which holds that Ferris was just a figment of Cameron's imagination, like Tyler Durden. These two videos may be too much awesome for one post. I may crash the Internets.