Ryan's Junk Drawer

With great junk, comes great responsibility - "Better Off Ted"

I kind of hate this week. It's been all full of weirdness and weak. It's a weak, weird week. Look at what it's done to me! I'm jibbering and jabbering and I don't even know what I'm talking about. It's time to get myself together, if for no other reason than this is the day I expose my junk to you. It may be someone's first time seeing my junk this week, and I want to make a good first impression. Because once someone has an impression about your junk, they will tell EVERYBODY that impression. "Oh, his junk is lame." I don't want that. I can't have people out there saying "Have you seen Ryan's Junk? I have, and it is not good." I want people to say how magnificent it was, how you were surprised at all it contained!

Obviously, I'm talking about my figurative junk...as in the movie news that I deem too small to warrant a full blog post. I realize that it sounded like I was talking about something else, but this is a PG-13 rated site at best. Okay, sometimes I dabble my toes in the R-rated waters...but it always feels like someone peed in that side of the pool. Anyway, as you know, we begin every weekly edition of my Junk Drawer column by looking at the creepy-ass image above from Highlights Magazine FOR CHILDREN and picking an item I write a goofy story about.

Today's item is the green and red tube in the lower right corner. Knowing full well the cycle of fads, what with the resurgence of skinny jeans and such, Karen knew that if she prepared herself, she could be ahead of the game. Armed with a bedazzler, limited sewing ability, and a passion for ridiculous accessories, she began amassing a staggering number of glittery, fuzzy leg warmers. She couldn't for the life of her figure out why people had stopped wearing them in the first place, what with how your shins felt like you were wearing pants even though you weren't and the awesome, raw, potent sexuality they unleashed. She knew it was only a matter of time before the populous awoke and realized that the only thing that would spell their thirst for sweater sleeves you wear on your legs were legwarmers! And she would be ready. Oh yes. She would be ready.

Okay, enough Tomfoolery and shenanigans. Let's get physical! Here's the Junk Drawer items for this week.

1.) Everything goes exactly as expected. Zzzzzzzzzzzzz - These bits of news were splashed across everyone else's Web site yesterday. But I stand from the pack. I mean, do you see other sites out there spending a good portion of time inventing stories about leg warmers and writing suggestive introductions about their junk? I didn't think so. Look, I didn't report on these things in depth because I find both of them as shocking as when CNN pundits press a button that turns Kentucky red on an electoral map. Here we go. Peter Jackson will, in fact, shoot The Hobbit in New Zealand despite all sorts of previous problems with labor unions (sorry, this is about New Zealand, so I think I have to use the foreign labour spelling, because nothing says "we ain't in America" like an unneeded U). Yippee! Look, it's good news because the films will look the same and it should be filmed there, just for consistency, but honestly did anyone think they wouldn't be? Put your hand down Guy Who Falls For Got Your Nose.

The other boring news is that James Cameron will be doing Avatar 2 and 3 next.
First off, this is so stupid that he should be forced to have the guy on the right in this picture follow him around during the entire production of these films. "I LOVE THE NAVI SO MUCH I JUST WANT TO BE ONE! Also, I really want Dave Matthews to get back to his roots, you know." Seriously, take off the face paint and that guy looks like the date rapist in a "Law and Order: SVU" episode. Anyway, I don't care to see sequels to these films, and just because he said these are his next movies that doesn't mean anything. Given his track record with his "next" project, we could be waiting until 2024. And by waiting, I mean not caring.

2.) Double-decker Cruise news - Maybe that should read "upper decker" Cruise news because both ideas are kind of stinky. Cristopher McQuarrie, who shall be forever loved in my book because he wrote The Usual Suspects, says that Maverick is the lead in Top Gun 2. That's in direct opposition to rumors that Tom Cruise would only cameo in the film. Is he willing to do a full-on sequel? I mean, I guess so. It's not like he's too big to ignore the possibility now. I can't wait to return to the character of Maverick, who has such a rich tapestry of emotions to demonstrate...like boning hot chicks and being angry. I hope the villain is somehow Meg Ryan. That would be awesome. Oh, and in the second half of this news, Cruise was offered a role in the big screen Rock of Ages, which I'm told is a musical about rock music but sounds like it would give me ear herpes.

Tommy loved that joke. Anyway, I don't know if he can sing (no, no he can't), I don't know if he can dance (no, no he can't), but he may take this because he apparently really wants to sing and dance. Look for his wife to be given some role in it as well, which is great news because she needs to come up for air soon or she'll die.

3.) I want Harley Quinn. My ideas are the best. - You have no idea how much I want to be right about the upcoming plot for The Dark Knight Rises. I know I'm probably not, but hear me out. We know that Chris Nolan is meeting with young actresses. The assumption is Catwoman or a new love interest. The process is so secretive that not even the people auditioning know what they're auditioning for. I so badly want it to be Harley Quinn. Let me tell you how this would work and why it would be awesome.

How it would work: We know that Nolan has said his plan was to have the Joker return in the next film before Heath Ledger died. We know that he won't replace the role. We also know that, within the film, the Joker was HOPING that Batman would kill him at the end. That was part of his end game, trying to make Batman lower himself. I like the idea that there may have been a plot past that. As in, the Joker either had a contingency plan for if Batman only captured him or a next step if Batman killed him. Either way, he's out of the picture, which would mean that he couldn't be the guy doing stuff. So why not have it set up for someone else to take over the Joker's plan. It's reasonable and consistent with the character as presented to believe that he would have seen this coming. Don't make this a revenge movie where his girlfriend takes up his mantle, make this a logical extension of the last film.
Okay, why it's awesome. Because it keeps things consistent, because it lets you play with the themes you wanted to play with, because its unexpected!!! But beyond that, two more good reasons. 1 - It would automatically represent a great female character for Nolan, who has been accused of not having too many of those. 2 - It would avoid the cliches of every other major villain you could think of. I love this idea. I hope that this is actually what's happening even though I'm sure it's not. Nolan, it isn't too late! Make this happen!

4.) Zach Galifianakis gets my dream job - He's going to play with Muppets. We don't know the role, some have speculated he'll just be a voice. We don't know how big that role will be, but he's only going to be involved for a few days of shooting according to rumors. All I know is that his sense of humor is so completely perfect for the off-kilter universe of Muppets that it makes my heart almost as happy as this:

Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis: Sean Penn from Between Two Ferns

If this was a daily segment it would be the best part of every day. Anyway, Zacky-G is going to chill with the fuzzy folks. All is right with the world.

5.) Trailers, Parked - Two weird ones for you this week. First up is Rare Exports, a movie that involves a creepy take on Santa. It isn't your goofy slasher Santa movie, but a dark comedic/serious take on the origins of the child judger. Lord does this intrigue me.


Brother's Justice is another mockumentary, and I'm pretty much over them. It looks kind of funny, and I like the folks involved, I just can't really get all that jazzed over anything that looks like this anymore. Oh, I'll probably see it, but I ain't all tingly about it.


Okay, that's it gang. Hopefully a weird week means a great weekend, so let's hook up tomorrow to talk weekend plans. Have a great Thursday.

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Meet your dwarves and elves

Meet Bilbo.
That's Martin Freeman, and as long as we've been speculating whether we would or wouldn't be actually returning to The Shire, this is the dude whose name has refused to leave Bilbo alone. We all knew it was likely, now it's confirmed. Congrats to him on scoring the best character to ever have a name that sounds like a self-pleasuring device.

Beyond that, now that things are actually advancing on the project, Peter Jackson has let fly a slew of names associated with characters whose names mean something to people one rung up from me on the nerd ladder. In addition to Sir Ian McKellon and Andy Serkis presumably returning as Gandalf and Gollum, although surprisingly NOT confirmed in Jackson's press release, the following dudes are going to be real famous.

Richard Armitage will be playing Thorin Oakenshield, who has an iron shield and thus invents irony.

Aidan Turner and Rob Kazinsky will play Kili and Fili, who despite their names are not twins appearing in Playboy.
Your other dwarves are Graham McTavish as Dwalin, John Callen as Oin, Stephen Hunter as Bombur, Mark Hadlow as Dori, and Peter Hambleton as Gloin. I would post these dudes pictures, but they aren't really famous enough to have one. One of them is a Power Ranger. No lie.

This is mostly just exciting because it proves this is happening, really truly happening. We're going to get a double dose of The Hobbit.

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None shall pass

Things are getting grim for The Hobbit, folks. Although one would imagine the easiest thing in the world would be making a prequel to a film series with grosses in the billions, one would be more wrong than anyone not named Glenn Beck. First we lost Guillermo del Toro. Then we lost the start date and release dates. Now, because of all of this, we may lose Gandalf.
Shown here with the people responsible for making the decisions that have led The Hobbit to this level of ruin, Ian McKellen can no longer wait. Let's face it, he's no spring chicken, and holding out hope that things are going to get fixed enough for him to participate is just no longer reasonable. If I'm a betting man, this is going to end up as one of those exploding projects we're talking about for years, examining how it all went so wrong as to deny us more Middle Earthy goodness. I'm one of the few who doesn't NEED to see The Hobbit, but who wouldn't at least enjoy some more? Sorry, world.

Hold your hobbitses

On Friday, the world rejoiced and you never heard it. Well, maybe you did if you dared to read blogs other than mine. That...that isn't true, though, right? You ONLY use the Internet to respond to emails about Viagra and read movie news on this one blog, right? Well if you accidentally typed in the wrong address and ended up pretty much anywhere else that even considers movies, you read this headline "Jackson Returns!" At first, you probably thought, "I knew that Michael Jackson was just playing possum!" Then as you read on, you realized that the internets were confirming the wet dream of every man, woman, and child who ever wore Legolas footie pajamas: Peter Jackson was returning to The Lord of the Rings world in the form of actually directing The Hobbit! Joy! Triumph! Well...it sounded wrong to me. I know the studio wants it, I know that Jackson would consider it for the sake of the franchise that made him, and I know that it would be the best choice. But the things that kept the two sides apart in the first place still existed: He wants waaaaay too much money and he's booked up six ways to Sunday. AICN spoke with "a source" (who is apparently Jackson himself) who said nothing has changed. The studio wants him, but he still can't quite do it. So, it looks like as good a time as any to bust out my all-time favorite graph. It applies nicely to the director's seat:

The real culprit here isn't Jackson, just to be clear. The real culprit is MGM, whose inability to sort out their finances to any degree has resulted in a clustercluck of disorganization that makes them about as attractive to purchase as a Twilight novel. I hope Jackson does it. I just don't think he's going to. I think he's going to find a passable, lesser known director and puppet him or her (hahahaha, LADIES can't direct! They have lady parts?!?!? How could a lady possibly get performances out of actors or point a camera without a wiener?! I crack myself up). It's not a bad play on his part if he can get it to happen.

Sorry I'm about to crap on your soul, LOTR fans

There's no easy way to say this, they're doing a sci-fi remake of Lord of the Rings starring Bobcat Goldthwaite as Gandalf, Cheech Marin as Aragorn, and Betty White as the Elf Queen. See, now you're laughing or totally freaking out, either way, you're in a much better mental state for me to tell you that Guillermo Del Toro is backing out of The Hobbit, Peter Jackson can't step in, and the project is now on life-support. Have a nice day! Okay, more info: MGM's bankruptcy has done what a legion of orcs and the resurrected demon of all that is evil himself couldn't achieve. Money woes have moved things along for the sure-to-be-colossal project at a rate akin to Rush Limbaugh sprinting. Delay after delay meant that Del Toro kept passing on projects he wanted to have a hand in while waiting for something to open up on The Hobbit. Jackson is committed to various other projects and likely doesn't want to return to the series after leaving on winning an Oscar. Combine the messy rights issues with the Tolkien estates with the inability of MGM to actually get their finances in order and you have a messy pile of doo-doo that means you're not returning to the Shire any time soon. Good news, though: You don't have to care. Why? Because you can simply pick up your LOTR DVDs and enjoy what is the best fantasy film trilogy ever made. Remember, you don't need to have The Hobbit, you're just being greedy and want more (me too). Still, there's no need to cry about it. So, chin up nerds, either one day you'll get what you want or you'll always have what you already have. You're a winner either way, and that doesn't happen for you often.

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About that Hobbit rumor...

As you know, I will run just about any rumor regarding Spider-man 4 the minute I hear it. Now, this is usually because it affords me the opportunity to show images of pretty ladies being pretty and because it means I get to discuss Spider-man, which is perhaps the subject on which I am most versed (I'm rubbish at small talk, unless you want to discuss why The Shocker is the best lame Spidey villain). However, when it comes to Lord of the Rings stuff, I usually take a more measured approach. This is not only because I have a lot more people salivating over each nugget of news, but because I am not as schooled on the subject (spoiler alert - I never made it through the books...they're boring and I prefer the movies, which are a-freakin'-mazing). So when Latino Review, who I trust a TON, posted a note suggesting that Tobey Maguire was the choice for Bilbo Baggins in The Hobbit, I gave it a few days to marinate. As all things are on the LR, it was a well-written, well-substantiated article, but something didn't seem right. Maguire is about to dive into another franchise movie, he supposedly has some measure of commitment (or an option) to do more of those Spidey movies, and he frankly doesn't quite look the part. Still, it could work. So I waited. Then THR comes out today and says, nope. Ain't happening. Their source? Tobey Maguire. Now, this wouldn't be the first time (and sure won't be the last) that an actor straight-up LIES about being involved with a project. For reasons I can only assume are similar to my dad insisting we walk away from buying a car at least once, just to prove a point, I guess these guys have to make it SOUND like they're not interested, even if they are. Still, given that it didn't make much sense to begin with, and given that he said no, I'm willing to say this isn't the guy. At the very least, not the guy I would go with. See, here's the part where, if this were a Spider-man rumor, I could discuss at length who I think should play the part. Sadly, I really can't, as the only image coming to my mind is the Bilbo from the cartoon, and that ain't right because there aren't many chipmunk-toothed, curly-headed short dudes in Hollywood.

I don't know, I'd like to see a good actor who needs a franchise and exposure get it. Maybe a Ryan Gosling or a Jeremy Renner? I don't know. I'm just tilting at windmills here people.

Hobbit dwarves to chug syrup?

Friday brought with it the delightful news that Supertroopers 2 is progressing right meow (wow, that joke does not work as well on paper) and that Brian Cox is confirmed to return. Well, the actor may be a LITTLE busy between now and then (see that emphasis on "little," that's called foreshadowing, bitches). Turns out that a spy for Aint It Cool (why don't I have any spies...there's something good to get me for Christmas! My own industry insider) has it on good authority that Cox is in consideration for the role of one of the dwarfs in The Hobbit. Given the fact that John Rhys Davies is not likely to re-dwarf it up in a different role, I couldn't think of a scruffier Scotsman to shrink down to fightin' size. It's sort of like playing live-action Shrinky Dinks, only with the villain from the second X-Men movie. We should be getting dangerously close to the announcements of casting, giving the fast-approaching early 2010 start date for the film. I don't know if we'll really learn a lot from discovering who's gettin' Middle Earth on our asses, as when the first films were announced nobody went "Sweet Lord! I can't believe we got Sean Astin! He's gonna rule!" Part of what makes the movies great is that the actors didn't distract from the characters; hell, we STILL primarily think of those actors in those roles (except Viggo Mortensen, who I'll always think of as the dude who showed little Viggo in Eastern Promises). If Cox is officially announced soon, it will be a sign that they are still committed to finding the right people, not the biggest-named actors.

The Hobbit is coming, gird your ankles

Few things send my nerdly friends into a nerd frenzy (which looks like this):



like rumors about The Hobbit. Understandable, since the Lord of the Rings trilogy is like the Star Wars for this generation...oh, Jesus, does that mean The Hobbit is like The Phantom Menace? Relax, I kid...unless of course somebody finds a way to shove in a dwarf that speaks in racist pigeon English. The only actor fo' sho' gonna be in the new movie is Ian McKellan, and don't trust that dude with no secrets because he lives to flap his yapper. He told SciFi Wire that he's read the script, his role is great because it was written FOR HIM this time and not for just somebody playing Gandalf, that Bilbo hasn't been cast yet, that the script is pefect for Guillermo Del Toro's style...oh, and that it starts shooting in 5 months. Wait, what?! That means we should be REALLY, REALLY close to finding out who is going to play the titular Bilbo. Remember now, the first films didn't really rely heavily on big name actors. Viggo Mortenson wasn't who he is now before those films, same for Orlando Bloom, and even McKellan. There's a good chance it's going to be a mid-level name. Then again, when the first ones shot it was a huuuuuge time commitment with no suggestion of being Oscar-worthy and box-office-record-shattering. So, maybe they do get interest this time from big stars. No matter what, the good news is thus for fans of the Shire: we'll know everything in a few months.

Nerds breathe sigh of relief; smells like cheez-its and desperation

And now, a Lord of the Rings graph joke, to redeem myself for the above title of this post:



Get it? If you don't, congrats on being better than me. Anyway, this is actually just to tell you that Variety confirmed that the Tolkien estate has settled their claim against New Line, paving the way for the new Guillermo Del Toro-directed Hobbit goodness that we've all...I MEAN...you all have been screaming for. Oh who am I freakin' kiddin', those movies are so awesome that I ran around pretending to be Legolas for like a year...a far better year than the one I spent pretending to be Legless. The suit had threatened to slow down production, but this likely means we're about to start really hearing things heat up. I'd look for the announcement of who is playing Bilbo within a few weeks. Also, because I feel like talking about it, I would have had no problem with the ridiculous, soft-focused, nearly pornographic ending to Return of the King if it sounded like this.



God, that just should not be as funny as it is to me. I have the maturity of a sapling. Happy Wednesday.

Weekly Wrap-Up: Disappointment, Despair, and Diagrams

What a week we've had, huh? Let's hit the highlights before calling it quits:

• Here's the only Venn diagram I'll likely ever make.
• No THIS is the worst idea ever.
• New Moon has an infomercial apparently starring a charming young gay soft-core porn star.
• You should read David Eggers's "Where the Wild Things Are" excerpt.
• This would be so cool if it were true!
• Avatar disappointed me. I bet Jim Cameron doesn't even care.
• Everybody loves haikus.

Have a great weekend everybody, here's hoping Brett Favre gets hurt on his first preseason snap (Go BEARS!)

One rumor to rule them all....

Okay nerds, I know I've spent a lot of time opining and discussing the monstrosity that is the Twilight franchise, but daddy loves you, too. Here's some seriously unsupported rumors surrounding a certain beloved film/book trilogy (no, not White Chicks, they're only on the second chapter). Marketsaw, which is a blog dedicated to 3D movies (and a good one...they've scooped on Avatar like champs), has a tiny little rumor that just may be true (again, they have gooooood sources, unlike me who has the power of an Internet connection and imagination): The Hobbit is back to being 3 movies, the first two parts will be in 3D, and Peter Jackson wants to return and make a bridge film to the existing trilogy. Chances are, LOTR fans just made a happiness deposit in their pants. What's more, the site reports that Smaug will be a combination of practical (meaning tangible, physical) effects and CGI, and that the design is dark and foreboding (the image below is on the site but is NOT concept art, but is too kick ass not to include. Marketsaw continues to reiterate that despite public confirmation that The Hobbit will be 2-parts, there are 3 films in the works, and that the author of the report has SEEN things to confirm it. Oh, that's just too awesome to not be true. I believe that if Jackson comes back, that all of the cast will rejoin him. I loved the series, I will hold out hope that this report is all true (and there's a chance that it is). So, go my nerds, go forth in joy and embrace the day!