Quick Clips for Wednesday December 31

Programming note: On today (obviously). Off tomorrow (if the postal dude won't bring me my catalogs, I won't bring you movie news). On Friday. Then back to normal next week (groan).

Lists! Lists! Lists! Lists!

The entire midwest is like the guy in high-school who isn't quite nerd and isn't quite cool waiting for the hot chick to finish dry humping the "A" crowd before he gets his shot. Basically, when Chicago, New York, and LA are done critically molesting a top notch film, it goes to other big East/West coast cities before finally getting here in early 2009. This is why no top 10 list yet from me for 2008. Worst of is much easier...but we're gonna wait on that too. So, in the flavor of New Year's Eve (Vh1 and E!'s favorite holiday because their incessant countdown programming makes sense on this one day), we're gonna look at the top 10 worst films as proposed by Nick Nunziata at Chud.com, a generally good fella, and I'll provide my thoughts (because I can't help myself).

10.) The Transporter 3

It's beyond me how this could be bad. I mean, just because the first two had the collective intelligence of an inbred cat doesn't mean this should suck.

9.) Vantage Point

This movie starred Matthew Fox. This allows me to mention "Lost" is almost back on. Yipee!!!

8.) The Spirit

This one gobbled from the first image of Samuel Jackson in costume. Here's the thing, if you can make Sam Jackson look stupider than he's looked before, you have set a new suck standard.

7.) Eagle Eye

Totally disagree with this one. Yes, the ending is...we'll go with iffy...but the movie is fun and at least more interesting than most crap out there. Don't harsh on The Boof.

6.) 21

Oh yeah, this movie sucked. It may not have seemed like it as you were watching it, but it did. It was a stealth suck.

5.) Speed Racer

Again, disagree here. Yeah, it's not that good, but nor is it bad, and I "got" what the Wachowskis were going for: epilepsy.

4.) Get Smart

Why harsh so hard on this one? It had Hathaway and Carell, it couldn't be hated that much.

3.) The Happening

Just retyping this title makes my day ruined. Although it does make me think of the Mark Wahlberg talks to animals sketch! I'm happy again!

2.) Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Let's get something straight, I agree with Nick N almost always, but this is bullpucky. It's not a "violation of our childhood," it's pretty much in line with most of the Jones films other than the first one, which was totally bad ass. Was it perfect? Hell no! "Nuke the fridge" is the new "jump the shark," but it's actually a fun movie if you don't have a stick up your rump.

1.) Sex and the City

And we're friends again Nick.

What's at stake

I realize that I have been working hard to bring you the news behind the Watchmen saga without showing you what we're fighting over. We're fighting for this:


Watchmen Exclusive


Now, here's the gut-punching funny thing about this: THAT EXCLUSIVE WAS OFFERED THROUGH A FOX SITE. The douches who are trying to prevent you from seeing the movie they are promoting now. Anger. Seething. See, what director Zack Snyder says in the clip is true, the book is one of the most revered of all times (arguably THE most revered comic). The only thing that made it a challenge to film (the ending) has been slightly (heavily) changed. The geek masses already know this and some are okay and others are supa-dupa-pissed. Either way, I JUST WANT TO SEE IT. We need to think of what to do if Fox gets in the way of that. SOMETHING must be done!

End of the year post

This is officially the last post of 2008. Wow. That's crazy. Without getting too much into it, this has been a fun exercise for me thus far, working to write every day (during the week, daddy needs his weekends). Much like writing for The Reader, you never know who is actually reading your stuff. Could be just friends and family or it could be people you don't know. Having re-read that sentence, it sounds like I just thought about what a blog is. That's not my point. My point is, I really want to know if there are people out there reading and, if so, what you'd like to see more (or less) of. Friends and family can pipe in too. This is your last chance in 2008 to correct me before 2009. So, if you want this blog to be better, let me know. Even if I don't hear from you, we had some fun didn't we, making jokes about famous people, hating on Chihuahuas, mocking the Twilight craze. My theory is, odd numbered years rule, so here's hoping we rock it even harder in '09. Thanks for reading and really know I will listen if you suggest things (unless it's something specific to do with my body).

No blog for you

What do you get when you combine a slow, slow, slow news period with a vacation? NO BLOG FOR YOU TODAY! Blog tomorrow. Honest.

Quick clips for Monday December 29

Ho, ho, holy crap you all loved Marley and Me?

Because I am smart, I did not post a prediction for the Christmas season box office, mainly because my Thanksgiving guesses were worse than Aunt Gertie's cranberry sauce (now featuring pork). However, had I posted a set of predictions, I'll be honest and say I would have had Bedtime Stories a top the list and would not have pegged the Jennifer Aniston dog movie as number one. This isn't because I care who won that particular dogfight (get it?) but because the kid factor suggested a victory for Sandler. I guess I forgot the power of Aniston almost showing her nurples dressed in just a tie on the cover of "GQ," which I guess is still being published. Oh well, you live, you learn, you never fight the power of puppy.

Here are the results:

1.) Marley and Me - $37 million weekend ($51 million total counting opening day Thursday)

Maybe I'm looking at this wrong. Maybe this isn't a ringing endorsement of Aniston's naughty bits or a celebration of the fact that America will embrace ANY (and I mean any) movie headlined by a freakin' animal. Maybe this is a show of support for Owen Wilson. I'm kidding, it's the nudie Aniston/cutie dog thing.

2.) Bedtime Stories - $28 million weekend ($38.5 million total)

Really figured the special effects combined with the Sandler would appeal to a lot more families. It didn't do bad by any means, but The Longest Yard remake opened bigger than this and that movie appealed to nobody with taste or intellect.

3.) The Curious Case of Benjamin Button - $27 million ($39 million total)

Okay, it's beginning to look like I'm the odd man out on this film. By no means did I trash it or give it a bad score, but I don't feel like it is worthy of a place on the top 10 films of the year list (as it has been granted on just about everybody else's lists). I mean, it really is just like Forrest Gump only slightly more artistic. Maybe it's me, but I thought it was good not great. I'm curious to see what other real people think.

4.) Valkyrie - $21.5 million ($30 million total)

So the days of Tom Cruise's domination are long gone, but this result should actually please the studio executives. I mean, the release date had been bumped all over the place, the buzz was incredibly bad, and there was the whole Cruise-as-unwanted-psycho storyline. Now comes word that the movie is fun, Cruise is appearing self-effacing on things like 'The Jimmy Kimmel Show," where he played Jimmy in a game of "Touch Your Head" and things look good. Don't listen to asshats who say this film was "a dud" or "flopped." It actually BEAT industry expectations, which had $16 million for the weekend and $20-25 million for the total (it also cost less than half of Button's production budget, so figure that in too).

5.) Yes Man - $16.5 million (Opened last week, so no 4-day total needed)

Then you have Jim Carrey's latest, which isn't a flop but isn't a comeback either. It's going to end up doing less money than Four Christmases, if that tells you anything, which it should. Speaking of that horrid, horrid film, I don't have to talk about it anymore, so SUCK IT VINCE VAUGHN!

Why can't every judge be as wise as Judge Joe Brown?

You may be on holiday break still (like me!), so I'm not going to bog you down in crazy facts and figures or bore you with the intricacies of the current legal fight regarding the copyright infringement case over Watchmen and ruin your stress-free living. However, here are the basics: (A) Fox (a studio run by asshats and clowns and clowns with asshats) had the rights to the "Watchmen" comic for a long ass time; (B) they didn't do crap with it and it was believed by all involved that the original owner of those rights was able to seek a new partner; (C) that partner was Warner Brothers, who managed to make a movie in 2 years as opposed to Fox's gazillion years of ineptitude; (D) that movie is SUPPOSED to come out in March; and (E) a judge just ruled on Christmas Day that Fox still owned the rights. Uh, what? This means that, barring some appeals shenanigans and other tomfoolery, Fox CAN do whatever the hell they want with the finished film that we're anxiously awaiting (including but not limited to changing it, barring it from release, releasing it as is and cashing in on a finished product, or dumping it entirely). Now, even money says that the two studios will just broker a deal and Fox will get money they don't deserve at all, but it's possible they could do something worse. So here's the deal, IF they tinker with the film in any way, I'm going to make at least one disparaging comment about Fox executives every day. This could involve farm animals or murder-for-hire, you just never know. Let's hope it never comes to that.

Voyage of the Yawn Treader

For the record, I actually liked Prince Caspian better than The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe (aside from the climactic appearance of river Jesus, the most frightening water-based deity of them all, sorry Poseidon). However, many more of you disagreed (or actually agreed, that theory in a minute), as the box office returns for the second Narnia film were DRAMATICALLY lower (about half the global totals of the first film). Thus, Disney has pulled out of distributing and financing for the next proposed film, Voyage of the Dawn Treader. Okay, first my theory: People saw the first film because of their pent-up fandom for the book series, then hated it and didn't see the second film (despite the fact that it's better). Whether or not someone else picks up the rights to the third film remains to be seen. That said, here's what I would do. I would hire a GOOD director (not like Guillermo Del Toro or Peter Jackson good, but somebody really capable of amping up the energy and visual style) then I would combine the remaining books and make this film the last in the trilogy. I would punt the awful kid actors, get a couple of stars in there and really hang my hat on this being the final chapter in the series. The alternative is more declining returns or no movie, so this seems to be a good solution if I do say so myself, which I just did.

Quick clips for The Day Before The Night Before Christmas

When I was a kid, we used to listen to this band called The Caroleers at Christmastime. They sang the best, cheesiest, most horrifically awesome holiday music E-V-E-R. Can you thumb your nose at "10,000 Santa Clauses and Not One Gift For Me" or the cleverly disguised ploy for a puppy "I Want an Elephant For Christmas," wherein a young girl uses a brilliant negotiation strategy of working her way from an elephant down to "oh, well, I guess a puppy would be okay." Genius. Anyway, one of their best songs was "The Day Before the Night Before Christmas," which has since become an unofficial holiday for my fam. So, happy Day Before the Night Before Christmas, and remember I'll see you next week.

LISTS! LISTS! LISTS! LISTS!

As previously mentioned, the world goes all Vh1 this time of year, and starts list-ifying everything. Thankfully, today brings us a list from the only "Internet-only" reviewer I truly, honestly respect (sorry random dude who keeps sending The Reader sample critiques that sound like a collection of poster pull-quotes). That man is Devin from Chud.com, and he is such a rebel that he gives us a top 15. Oh, yeah, he's five entries more bad ass than everybody else. I've only seen about half of this list (Lord, I love the delayed-opening strategy of showing things to critics in NY, LA, and Chicago only...because who gives a flippin' Fig Newton what Middle America thinks), but everything on here seems reasonable. Let's discuss after I show you his top 10...sorry, top 15 (forgot he took movie critic Enzyte).

15.) Towelhead
14.) Funny Games
13.) Synecdoche, New York
12.) The Foot Fist Way
11.) Rachel Getting Married
10.) Burn After Reading
9.) Iron Man
8.) Timecrimes
7.) The Wackness
6.) Trick R Treat
5.) Pineapple Express
4.) Slumdog Millionaire
3.) Man on Wire
2.) Let the Right One In
1.) The Wrestler

Off the bat, I see little problems, such as the inclusion of Pineapple Express (funny, but the ending was awful), the idea that Iron Man was better than the Dark Knight (which is both a new "cool guy" trend to show you aren't blinded by the latter film's crazy popularity...and total horseshit, and that's coming from a Marvel Comics guy), and including a non-theatrically released film, Trick R Treat, is just dirty pool. Still, at the end of the day, this is a hell of a formidable list and, despite not having seen The Wrestler or Slumdog Millionaire yet, I'm eerily suspicious that some of our top spots are going to be similar. At any rate, good list from a good guy and a good site. I can't wait to do mine soon!

This is going to get sent to you 10000 times

Attention children of the 80s: You will be receiving the following video sent to you approximately 10000 in the next few days. I received it from two friends already, and both were sooooo right in sending it to me. Sometimes, technology allows us to do things that just rule. The first friend who sent this to me wondered whether it was a statement about how mechanically produced all big-budget movies are or whether it was just a love letter to 80s nostalgia. The answer is CLEARLY the latter, because the time it took was far in excess of the "no duh" nature of the former. Anyway, I'm talking about this:




There is a danger that this could depress you, both in terms of the time it took to put together and in the passion it shows for Thundercats...or in the fact that it's not real (which is the saddest thing of all). Whoever the guy is who did this, nice work. You picked a great time to get noticed too, in this slow season! CGI Snarf played by Garfield rules.

The best present of all: A remake that isn't

In this creativity-challenged era in which we live, sometimes you have to hold on to the small Christmas miracles when you find them. For example: They aren't remaking Rosemary's Baby. Oh, they were gonna. They really wanted to, but the fact that Unborn treads similar ground (poorly, by all accounts) and the fact that the producers couldn't find any writer who could "crack it," means it gets left alone. I really like the part where the guys behind the proposed film said that they shopped it around Hollywood to "the best writers" (who are always willing to take time out to discuss a shitty remake with a horror movie production company), and they couldn't figure out how it could be done. Really? Because if that's the only obstacle, give me some dough and you'll have your demon-baby script. Hell, I'll argue for casting Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes and the interest in the life-parallels-art will skyrocket. Really, though, all (most) joking aside, I do admire any group who can bail on an idea because it doesn't seem right. Too often, I find myself sitting at my keyboard, typing about a movie that happened because nobody was willing to say or do just that: stop the madness. Thanks for the early present guys!

Well, that's it for now folks. You have a happy, happy holiday. Mine will be spent in Omaha and up north in Decatur, Nebraska (the single best small town in the universe) with family and loved ones (yes, sometimes those are two separate things). I won't try to get all serious on you now after goofing off for 6 months, but taking any religious overtones out of this for just a second: This is always my favorite time of year because the old is ending and the new is beginning. The slate is wiped clean in the form of new calendars, new promises, a new PRESIDENT!!! Make it count. Thanks to everyone who reads this.

Quick clips for Monday December 22

REMINDER: Cutting Room Floor is going on vacation for the week starting on Wednesday. Oh, don't pretend you're upset, you'll be busy opening that boxed set of Molly Ringwald's greatest hits (did I just spoil that for you...so sorry). Besides, nothing of interest happens on the few days before and after Christmas in the movie world. Not because they're, like, religious or anything, but because that's when they all schedule their heavy cosmetic surgery repairs (pre-Christmas 2001, Hugh Jackman was a beautiful blond woman). So, enjoy some nogg, enjoy this blog, we'll be doing some today and some tomorrow and then none 'til next Monday. Deal.

Kidman can be any flower but Daisy

Baz Luhrman has a ridiculous name and some mad skillz. You wouldn't know it from Australia, the most tepid non-epic epic to saunter about in a long while. Fresh off the euphoria of totally blowing it at the box office, Lurhman wants redemption. As near as I can figure, he already screwed up retelling a defining moment in HIS people's history (yay for magical aborigines) so he thought he may as well try his hand at one of OURS. That's why the Hollywood Reporter is...reporting that BL is taking on FSF...which is to say he's adapting The Great Gatsby, perhaps the most important literary work of its time. I'm okay with this, really, considering the only other memorable adaptation sucked to the suck power. But, I do wish that I could negotiate terms with Luhrman. It would go something like this: "Okay, Baz, first off, that's just a ridiculous name. So the first thing we're going to do is rename you Brian. Don't argue with me, you would have never survived the third grade in America with a name like that. Second, you can do this, but Kidman has to stay far away. I mean that contractually, you aren't allowed to shoot unless she's on a different continent. Should her flight be in the same airspace, you have to stop shooting until she lands in Singapore or wherever. Third, bring some of the visual flair you showed in everything previous to Australia, a movie so visually plain Ron Howard could have shot it. Fourth, no crazy rewrites to set this in "modern day" or anything else stupid you're possibly doing. Don't set it in space or make it a musical or anything. You just shoot the script by the book, without Kidman (I cannot be more clear about this), in a cool visual way and we'll be good. If not, Brian, it's a one-way ticket to wherever Paul Hogan now lives."

So, this James Cameron guy is a director of some sort?

Well, well. Jimmy Cameron all of a sudden remembers what it is he used to do for a living. First he's getting close to finishing Avatar, a heavy-on-the-CG-and-3D sci-fi flick. I will believe that when I'm sitting in a theater watching it, but that's what he claims. Now comes word that he is considering a second movie. Not since Piranha 2 has he been this prolific! J Michael Straczynksi, who wrote Spiderman comics (yay!) and a Clint Eastwood movie (boo), has penned a "reimagining" of Forbidden Planet, which was a reimagining of Shakespeare's "The Tempest," which was a reimagining of an opium hallucination Shakespeare had. The rumored remake is the first in a trilogy that sees a spaceship crash on a planet. Really, that's about it. I mean, it's kind of like Swiss Family Robinson, but with robots and stuff (so, like only 75% as stupid). Reportedly, Cameron flipped for the script and is ready to commit...to Joel Silver who is producing. Silver is the one-time wonder producer behind the Lethal Weapon series and others who fell for the Wachowski brothers after he produced the Matrix trilogy, only to find Speed Racer waiting for him. Ouch. Whether or not this happens, and all (most) kidding aside, it's good to hear Cameron's name bandied about again. The last time I spent this long discussing one of his possible projects was when he was rumored to be directing the first Spiderman movie starring Leonardo DiCaprio. Honest.

Weekend Box Office Results: In addition to hand grenades, close now counts in movie predictions.

Well, well, a VAST improvement has occurred this week. And I'm not just talking about the improvement in taste given the mild flop of the latest Jim Carrey movie. Ohhhh, burn! I'm talking about the improvement in intelligence given the panning of Will Smith's latest "give me my Oscar dammit" movie. Ooohhhhh, double burn. No, what I really mean is, I got a pretty decent grade this week, which is refreshing. I would like to point out that Carrey did vastly underperform, which is what got me. Can we officially start referring to him as "former movie star Jim Carrey" now?

Here are the results:

1.) Yes Man - $18 million (Accuracy of prediction - 62%)

If JC thinks Christmas is going to help his box office, he's the wrong JC for the season. True, no big laffers are coming out this week, but there's something like 8 movies opening or expanding, so chances are not good that this is going to achieve what Carrey wanted, which was to be famous again. Turns out the nation grew up from watching someone act like a jackass, or at least from watching this jackass. Yay for jackass rejection.

2.) Seven Pounds - $16 million (Accuracy of prediction - 91%)

Really not bad for a movie as ill-conceived and ill-promoted as this one. Big Willy is a great and incredibly watchable actor, but he HAS to have someone help him figure out how to get his Oscar. Here's the easy answer: Play a bad guy. Really, it will change things. It's that simple. Look at Denzel, when he went nasty, he got his trophy (finally). Yay for good decisions.

3.) The Tale of Desperaux - $10.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 83%)

Hey, this is good news for the little mouse. See, no other kids movies are coming out right now and kids are supposed to be getting out of school, which means possible increases in the mouse's money. YAY for rodents!

4.) The Day the Earth Stood Still - $10 million (Accuracy of prediction - 65%)

Wow, everyone else thought this movie sucked too! Yay for mutually observed mediocrity! Keanu Reeves can sympathize with Jim Carrey. They should do a movie together, Confused and Annoying.

5.) Four Christmases - $7.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 97%)

I just know this will surge back into the top 5 again next week, because it just won't go away. Yay for crap.

Overall accuracy of prediction - 80%

A B- is still a B. At least that's what I tell myself. Not too shabby!

Friday Free-For-All

Actors stop strike talk long enough to praise selves

Don't think a little thing like potentially industry-redefining strike talks are going to stop actors from getting their self-love on. Aw, hell na'ah, they did some awesome, awesome work this year and they are going to tell each other that. "You were so amazing." "No, you were so amazing." "Well, yes, I was." It's hard to tell where the Screen Actors Guild awards stop and primping high-school girls start. Anyhoo, let's ogle the nominations shall we?

Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Leading Role
Richard Jenkins - THE VISITOR
Frank Langella - FROST/NIXON
Sean Penn - MILK
Brad Pittt - THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON
Mickey Rourke - THE WRESTLER

Pitt has done some amazing work in the past (honest), but this wasn't one of those performances. His accent does a happy dance (I'm Cajun! Well, not really.) sometimes sounding like an old version of Christian Bale's Batman voice, which is now the gold standard for gravelly. Good to see Richard Jenkins nominated, he's one of those "hey, it's that guy" actors I love to see honored (even in a back patting contest like this one). Of course, the logical choice to win is Sean Penn (who I want to see nab a trophy just for his inevitably awesome gay rights speech upon winning, free publicity for a good cause is always nice). But I'm pulling for Mickey Rourke. Not just the redemption angle, but because you never know what that psycho will do. Fun for everyone!

Outstanding Performance by a Female Actor in a Leading Role
Anne Hathaway - RACHEL GETTING MARRIED
Angelina Jolie - CHANGELING
Melissa Leo - FROZEN RIVER
Meryl Streep - DOUBT
Kate Winslet - REVOLUTIONARY ROAD

Don't be dingleberries, give the trophy to Winslet. Hathaway isn't a bad second option but she is the SECOND option. Jolie's nomination is a joke, and Streep (honestly) should have been nominated for Mamma Mia!, a film that has been just sensationally received. None of that matters though, because the only answer is Winslet. WINSLET! WINSLET! Seriously, SAG, don't make me come over there.

Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Supporting Role
Josh Brolin - MILK
Robert Downey, Jr. - TROPIC THUNDER
Philip Seymour Hoffman - DOUBT
Heath Ledger - THE DARK KNIGHT
Dev Patel - SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE

Okay, so we know that Ledger will win (possibly even deservedly so), but how effing cool is it that Downey Jr is gaining real traction for an Oscar nod for a comedy role, and not just any role, but a role in which he plays a white actor playing a black man. If I went back in time, you wouldn't believe me if I told you that. Unless I went back to a time when racism was culturally acceptable. Then you'd say, "Yeah, so?"

Outstanding Performance by a Female Actor in a Supporting Role
Amy Adams - DOUBT
Penelope Cruz - VICKY CRISTINA BARCELONA
Viola Davis - DOUBT
Taraji P. Henson - THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON
Kate Winslet - THE READER

Okay, I'm gonna say it, I am soooo not interested in Doubt (despite adoring Amy Adams). I won't give any award to Penelope Cruz for kissing Scarlett Johansson in Vicky because no one should get an award for something everyone wants to do for free. Taraji Henson's performance was, I'll say it, a retread of the typical southern black motherly role (she played it well, but she played a stereotypical role well, so whatever that's worth). That leaves....WINSLET! WINSLET! WINSLET!!!!

Outstanding Performance by a Cast in a Motion Picture
FROST/NIXON
MILK
SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE
THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON
DOUBT

My fear is, despite not deserving it, this will go to Doubt. It's a truly weak year and I'm surprised to not see The Dark Knight, which is in every way a superior film to the Pitt make-up fest. Odds are the actors will go with the highest concentration of big names, meaning chock up the first "real" award to the dirty priest movie.

Weekend Battle Plan: Serious Smith or Crazy Carrey? Whoever wins, you lose.

I'm not the biggest fan of Will Smith "the serious actor." Not because he doesn't have it in him, he does. It's just that he chooses the most obvious, uncomplicated stories to tell dramatically. 7 Pounds has been notably absent from all awards proceedings other than the ones he throws for himself. What? If the actors can get together and do it, why can't Big Willy throw himself a party at home? The problem with this lack of prestige buzz, is that the film remains shrouded in mystery (unless you pay attention to the previews, then it's pretty easy to figure out), and the marketing has been pretty low key. The result? You'll probably pass on this. You'll likely opt to go see the return of Crazy Pants Carrey in Yes Man, also known as the movie that would have been huge circa 1997. The film is based on a true story that was fascinating and compelling when told on NPR and appears to have been turned into a celebration of a man acting mentally challenged. Seriously, the tape-on-the-face gag gets into the PREVIEW? That means you think it's funny when he does something I did when I was 5. Hell, in comparison, his ass-talking bit is sheer comedy genius. Still, the film seems pleasant enough and does have Zooey Deschannel (always a plus). Besides, some of it was filmed in Memorial Stadium with Carrey dressed as a Husker crazy. Yippee. Whatever, during this holiday season, you could do worse. Oh, there's a movie about a cute mouse coming out this week too, but that's going to get squished. There goes my theory of the infallability of all kids movies.

That's my recommendation: If you have to see something, go see Yes Man. It won't kill you and it will make you nostalgic for a time when Jim Carrey was famous. WAIT! Actually, strike that! Go see Slumdog Millionaire at Film Streams Ruth Sokolof Theater. Danny Boyle may win an Oscar and the movie will make you happy about life and stuff. Yay for viable alternatives! Sorry about that Carrey recommendation, I slipped and fell on my "In Living Color" boxed set last night.

On DVD: I know that Burn After Reading doesn't come out until Sunday (what?) on DVD, but RENT THAT. It's soooo good. It constantly fights an ongoing deathmatch in my brain with Tropic Thunder for funniest movie of the year. You're definitely going to enjoy it if you haven't already. If you have already, enjoy it again at home! It's the best Pitt performance this year, no matter what awards shows might say.

Fearless, Flawless, Box Office Predictions

This week features another epic battle between me and losing...also between Jim Carrey and Will Smith (handicapped by a movie no one cares about). It may seem obvious that Smith would win, but he's doing the dramatic thing and Carrey is back to mocking the mentally retarded. So, with that in mind, it's anyone's game. The important thing is that, once again, I will likely be thwarted in the five-hole, which sounds dirty, but isn't.

Here's how I see it:

1.) Yes Man - $32 million

Far (but not that far) from his giganto-openings of yesteryear, I still figure Carrey's comedy brand is worth something, especially in a downer market. It wouldn't surprise me at all if this did way bigger results than this, tallying somewhere in the low 40s. Then again, maybe we've grown up as a culture...no, wait, we loved Beverly Hills Chihuahua, nevermind.

2.) Seven Pounds - $19 million

This is actually about $12 million more than it would make if it were anybody but the Fresh Prince in charge. Sadly, this movie will end his CRAZY streak of 8 consecutive $100 million movies and he won't even get an Oscar to show for it. Sadface.

3.) The Day the Earth Stood Still - $15 million

It could drop even more than this. Wow was it bad. Oh, and the title of the review last week should have been "Is That All You GORT," which was more amusing. Silly copy editors.

4.) The Tale of Desperaux - $9 million

Take your kids to see a cute movie about brave mouses and not the damn Madagascar movie again. This one was based on books, so it has good pedigree and such. It may accidentally encourage reading!

5.) Four Christmases - $7 million

Ah, next week, when this film fades from memory...hopefully...oh, God, it could surge in popularity due to the holidays. DON'T LET THAT HAPPEN! Please.

Quick clips for Thursday December 18

Not that you care or anything (which hurts...it really hurts) but, because of deadlines and whatnot (especially the whatnot, damn that whatnot), I'm trying to avoid posting a lot of movie tidbits here. See, I'm saving them for the print version and the regular Cutting Room column on the site (speaking of which, unless the mythical site upgrade comes within the next 13 days, I get to add another year to the total time I've been waiting for a new layout...we're trying to wait out the Internet, but the damn thing just keeps chugging along). This means yet another off-the-cuff blogging session!

Instead of giving you more of me riffing off the top of my head, I thought I would count down for you the best non-me movie reviews of the year at The Reader. I could include my own, but I'm not "that guy," well, I am sometimes but not today. Oh, and when I say the best of the year, I mean since June, because our awesome site doesn't archive beyond that. Yippee, another year of whining under my belt!

5.) Movie: Changeling, Reviewer: Patricia Sindelar

I really liked that Patricia didn't bow down to the power of the Eastwood, pointing out the hackneyed machine he's become. Plus, killer titles always get me, and this one was just great.

The Times are a Changeling
Eastwood's new flick is epically long
Patricia Sindelar

As a director, Clint Eastwood never learned the art of succinct story telling. Only two of the 16 movies he’s made in the last 20 years run less than two hours — both by just 10 minutes. So when I drew the short straw and had to review his newest film, Changeling (based on the 1928 Wineville Chicken Coop Murders), I was prepared for an epic snoozer.

Although the biggest problem with the movie is its length (clocking in at a bladder-bursting 141 minutes), content and acting are surprisingly pleasing. Angelina Jolie stars as Christine Collins, a single mother living in Los Angeles. Her son mysteriously disappears one Saturday; after months of anguish, he is returned. Only the boy the LAPD bring back as Walter Collins is not really Walter Collins, and Christine begins a heroic battle against the corrupt police department.

True, Jolie overacts about 80 percent of the time, probably to distract from her clown-like lips, which the makeup department painted fire-engine red. But her Christine Collins evokes sympathy and support, at times even pride. John Malkovich is the knight-in-shining-armor Reverend Gustav Briegleb, a pastor and radio host committed to exposing political corruption. He champions Christine’s cause in grand fashion, and his character highlights one of the best parts of the film: The good guys are really good and the bad guys are really, really bad. Police Captain J.J. Jones (Jeffrey Donovan) is so overtly heinous, he’s practically hateable from his first scene.

Sadly, even the powerful story and above-average acting can’t mask the fact that what should be told in 90 minutes takes nearly two and one-half hours. The normal procedure for a film like this is to tell the plight of the main character, then wrap up loose ends with a few words at the end. For example, the tried-and-true formula of “So-and-so served X number of years in prison and so-and-so never stopped fighting for X.” Eastwood, however, includes minute details, and pads it with unnecessary scenes and flashbacks, warping it so far from actual events that the words “a true story” which appear at the beginning are just a damned lie.

Changeling is worth seeing, but as a DVD rental and a fictional tale, not as a theater release intended to be “true.”

GRADE: C

4.) Movie: The Edge of Heaven, Reviewer: Ben Coffman

Seriously, this one gets in on title alone...although it also gave me one of my favorite ongoing references ("Yes, the Nurgul Yesilcay").

Turkey Sad-Wich
Heaven highlights lost Turks lacking love
Ben Coffman

Germans of Turkish descent are an underrepresented and somewhat unknown group, especially in the United States. A post–World War II diaspora created a population of millions of Turks living in Germany, the country’s largest ethnic minority. Several generations of ethnic Turks have grown up in Germany. The most famous of them include soccer player Mehmet Scholl, rapper Savas Yurderi (aka Kool Savas) and writer/director Fatih Akin, whose newest effort, The Edge of Heaven, highlights Turkish-German characters.

Set in Bremen, Germany, and Instanbul, Turkey, the movie begins with Ali Aksu (Tuncel Kurtiz), a rotund retiree and widower who’s been looking for love (or at least some sexy companionship) in all the wrong places — namely, the local Bremen brothels. There, he finds working girl Yeter (Nursel Köse), a fellow Turk. Yeter is looking to exit the oldest profession and Ali offers her a deal — move into his place and doink him full-time, and he will compensate her well. She agrees.

Once installed as Ali’s resident mattress, Yeter meets Ali’s son Nejat (Baki Davrak), a professor at the local university. Not long after, Ali suffers a heart attack, and son and former whore are left to take care of Ali. Nejat then learns of Yeter’s lost daughter Ayten (Nurgül Yesilçay, yes, the Nurgül Yesilçay), and after a couple of quick plot twists that are better left untold, Nejat feels that finding Ayten is his duty in life. Meanwhile, Ayten has fled Turkey, picked up her German lover Lotte (Patrycia Ziolkowska) and has been fruitlessly searching for her mother.

Written and directed by Akin, The Edge of Heaven is a thematically rich tale that benefits from well-written characters and dialogue and an interesting point of view. However, as you might imagine after reading the above plot synopsis, it takes quite a juggler to keep these characters and plots aloft and in motion. Conveniently, the story is split into three acts, each bearing its own subtitle, the first two directly telling the audience that a character will die. Despite its great characterization, however, Akin liberally plays with the viewer’s expectations, to the point where the story no longer feels as if it’s unfolding organically — instead, we sense the writer’s hand guiding his pawns to a specific, predetermined endpoint.

GRADE: C+

3.) Movie: Religulous, Reviewer: Justin Senkbile

I love the "open letter" approach to writing a review. Plus, it was so refreshing to hear someone who is in the target audience for the movie hating on it.

Dear Bill
Religulous has some explaining to do
Justin Senkbile

Dear Mr. Maher,
I’m writing to let you know that I’m very troubled by your new movie Religulous. I am an agnostic, and pretty overwhelmingly liberal. That said, I can’t remember the last time that I’ve wanted to walk out of a movie. Rarely have I been so disgusted.

You begin by leading us to believe that we’re about to see an investigation into the basis of faith and religion in the world. It sounds interesting and innocent enough ... until we see you in action. Scene after scene you parade around like a rich, arrogant child, doling out insults and mockery while leaving out investigation, even simple curiosity.

Clearly, you had your mind made up on these issues long before making Religulous, which gave you plenty of time to think of witty one-liners and comebacks for every possible argument. Everyone you meet is just another ignorant fool ... unless, of course, they’re as cynical as you, or you think the audience might have a soft spot for them, like the Vatican astronomer you interview, or the dyspeptic priest outside.

I wonder, in your search for “answers” (and you’re constantly playing innocent, claiming “I’m looking for answers!”), why you’d want to constantly interrupt and insult the very people you’re consulting? And why let director Larry Charles chop it up in the editing room like some VH1 pop culture hour, adding cute little subtitles to the conversations, and even falsely overdub a man’s words in English? To get laughs and sell tickets at the expense of your message? Pretty cheap, Bill.

I am in no way a political or religious expert. And let’s be clear, my problem is not with your religious stance but with your methods and your phony posturing, the way you and Mr. Charles have deceitfully presented your film as anything more valuable than reality television. And to think that some people view Michael Moore as manipulative ...

You seem to be happiest not when you’re insulting the religious right, but when your pomposity turns towards your own audience, the ones who bought the tickets, the ones you directly address in your fire-and-brimstone closing monologue. If Religulous succeeds on any level, it’s during that scene, where you triumphantly bully together that eager-to-please breed of liberal that takes the issues in your movie more seriously than you do.

What a sham.

Disappointedly,
Justin

GRADE: F

2.) Movie: The Secret Life of Bees, Reviewer: Justin Senkbile

Justin really hit it out of the park on this one. In fact, the phrase "a nice movie for nice people who want to feel nice" may be one of the best lines in any review I've read all year anywhere.

Sentimental Swarm
Bees safely treads the middle of the road
Justin Senkbile

A little sentimentality goes a long way, as The Secret Life of Bees proves, adding just a dash of emotional weight to what is essentially a nice movie for nice people who want to feel nice. It might actually be the definition of a “good” movie: It offends no one and takes no chances, placing itself somewhere comfortably between greatness and trash. Which isn't a bad thing because it remains an undeniably pleasing picture.

You'd want to run away too if, like Lily (Dakota Fanning), you'd accidentally murdered your mother at age four and were currently being abused by a father named T. Ray (Paul Bettany). She does just that, and takes the recently brutalized maid Rosaleen (Jennifer Hudson) with her, not sure where exactly they're headed.

By chance, and some crafty storytelling on Lily's part, they become guests in the home of a successful honey maker named August Boatwright (Queen Latifah) and her sisters, May (Sophie Okonedo) and June (Alicia Keys). The Boatwright house is like nothing they've seen, a luxurious, warm, cultured world ruled by three empowered and fiercely independent black women. That Latifah, Okenodo and Keys kept those characters from becoming caricatures is amazing.

The movie is set in the south in 1964, and although the scenes of racial strife are violent and jarring enough, director Gina Prince-Bythewood never gets in over her head with politics. She stays focused on the little world inside Miss August's house, one that operates more or less outside of the era's oppressive social climate. Focusing on the Boatwright universe isn't a cop-out, just an uncommon priority and the only honest option in regards to the story. And that story can be a little thin.

Thankfully, Latifah, Okonedo and Keys take charge of their characters and bring them fully and vividly onto the screen. Without them, The Secret Life of Bees easily could have turned into just another nice, inexpensive way for white people to have black friends for a few hours.

Even besides those three, the performances are generally good. Fanning has some excellent moments, although she often teeters on becoming another shameless Hollywood sob-thief. While the movie's probable Oscar potential is unwarranted, it's a fine example of light entertainment that knows where it stands. A melodrama of the heart-warming variety, The Secret Life of Bees is a well-crafted piece of mediocrity, nothing more and nothing less.

Grade: C

And finally...drumroll please, the top spot goes to:

1.) Movie: My Winnipeg, Reviewer: Ben Coffman

From the invention of the term "crockumentary" to the pitch-perfect invocation of Slim Goodbody, this is the review I reread most often this year. Nicely played.

Oh, Canada?
Maddin rewrites history, puts Winnipeg on the map
Ben Coffman

If we are to believe director Guy Maddin, Winnipeg, the capital of Manitoba, is the stuff of surreal, haunting nightmares. It is a city inhabited by somnambulant zombie-citizens, below which a confluence of rivers create some kind of magnetic, mystical field, always pulling its denizens back whenever they attempt to escape. All of these bizarre allegations (and many more) are enough to send most logical viewers scrambling to Wikipedia for verification.

Of course, these details are, most likely, from Maddin’s vibrant imagination, and My Winnipeg is no more a documentary than James Frey’s much-vilified A Million Little Pieces was a memoir. In Maddin’s words, all of this hyperbole-fueled narration and whimsy is “docutasia,” a close cinematic relative to magical realism, Canada-style. But, if you don’t mind, I’d like to call it a crockumentary.

The movie begins with the director himself delivering the highly repetitive, pseudo-sinister narration while reels of happy, old-school stock footage of Winnipeg spin away. Maddin’s prose quickly becomes so maddeningly repetitive that if we were to string up the director and skin him alive — removing one square inch of flesh for every time he uttered the word “Winnipeg” — Maddin would resemble Slim Goodbody by the film’s tenth minute.

But all this repetition (and the sleep-themed narrative) works like a hypnotist’s soothing voice and spinning pocket watch. Twelve minutes in, when Maddin believes the tone of the movie to be properly set, we get to the good stuff — ridiculous and hilarious tall tales of Maddin’s fantasy hometown, populated with historical characters that seemed to have stepped right out of Fire Walk With Me. Blend in some metacinema, as the narrator, who plays a character named Guy, attempts to recreate scenes from his childhood using his mother (Ann Savage) and a small group of extras as his brothers and sister, and you have utter, hilarious weirdness, all shown to us via old stock footage, 30-year-old home videos and newly shot, black and white scenes.

My Winnipeg is so unusual and unique that it truly must be seen to be “believed.”

However, I placed that last word in quotations for a reason. My Winnipeg is the kind of movie that can make a fool of you. Please, please don’t recite some of the movie’s details as “facts” at your next cocktail party. Your friends who have not seen My Winnipeg will think you’re crazy.

GRADE: B

I'm sure there were some great reviews prior to June, but they have been devoured by a system that cares not for archiving. Tune in tomorrow to see my miserable box office predictions!

Quick clips for Wednesday December 17

Because the number of interesting film tidbits and items are just as slowed by the mind-numbing frigidity of the weather as my will to live, we're going to do things differently today. Instead of dumping movie news chunks on your eyeballs (that sounded way more disgusting than I wanted it to), we're going to editorialize a bit about three irritating subjects. It's the three bitches of Christmas or, to be less religiously divisive, The Festivus "Airing of Grievances."

Grievance One: Sit the Eff Down

Ladies and gentleman, we are gathered here today not to bitch about cell phone use in the theater (if you do this, you are a malignant douche hammer who believes himself to be beyond such concerns as "other people" and the universe will soon dispose of you as one disposes of single use toilet paper). We are not gathered here to bitch about bringing kids too young to sit through a 3-hour violent war opus or sex-soiled horror film (these people will also one day succumb to the universe's TP disposal methods). No, we are here to bitch about the late arrivers, those who think they can still go see the movie they've arrived 20 minutes late for anyway. Now, the fact that you have no disregard whatsoever for your own money is fine by me...although, do consider that missing 20 minutes of a 2-hour movie is basically the equivalent of pouring the neck of the bottle of Canadian Springs whiskey you spent the last few hours drinking onto the street. No, what I'm worried about is the chain of events that your clock-ignoring ass sets into motion. Step 1: You disrupt the entire theater as you either look for your friends who you are meeting (who should not be your friends because they are decent, punctual human beings) or you fumble around letting your eyes adjust while you hunt for the perfect seat in a theater that has been watching a movie for the last 20 minutes. Step 2: This disruption causes annoyance in other theater members (cough, ME, cough), resulting in a distraction from the plot, events, and mood. If we WERE into the movie's world, we are now reminded that we are actually just in a small box with disrespectful subhuman pigmen. Step 3: YOU have missed the opening of the film. Now, whenever a character arrives on screen to do something, you must lean over and go "Who's she?" and "What is she doing?" Step 4: You are bludgeoned to death with a $16 box of Milk Duds. Look, I get running late, but if you miss by more than the length of the previews (give or take a minute), you are too late and should go to another movie or wait for the next show. Period. No exceptions. In fact, this should be a rule for the theater...NAY, it should be a federal mandate that also grants pardon for the inevitable Milk Dud bludgeoning. You've been warned.

Grievance Two: Don't make me hate trailers like God hates trailer parks

We all know that one of the best things about the movies is seeing previews. I mean, sure, we all know that the new Adam Sandler movie is going to suck, but the trailer is good for a laugh. What's that? You have a cool new, end-of-the-world, special effects orgy movie?! After seeing the trailer once, I've already seen you blow your visual wad, so who needs to see the full thing, which is likely crammed with terrible acting by CW stars. Murder mystery? I bet I can figure out the whole thing by the time you're done playing that Dave Matthews Band song! That said, an interesting thing has happened with previews...we're getting more of them...a lot more of them. Last weekend I sat through 9, count them, 9 previews. I wanted to see 8 of those movies, sure, but after the third I was like "just show me the damn Keanu Reeves movie already" and I have never, ever thought that before. Also, I know I've complained before about giving stuff away in the preview, but nobody's going to change that, but can we talk about shortening the length of those bad boys? I mean, a 90-second spot is all it takes to sell me a Lexus or other fine luxury automobile (at least according to the people who thing that wealthy individuals are watching the Bears game and not schtupping some model), isn't 90 seconds all it should take to convince me that, yes, I do want to see Hugh Jackman as Wolverine disemboweling people again? Too much of a good thing is a bad thing sometimes, just ask Hugh Hefner. I love me some trailers, but only for a few minutes. Sounds reasonable, right?

Grievance three: The only thing longer than the movie was your description of how long the movie was

I've said it before and I'll say it again: no, movies shouldn't be 3 hours long unless they are adapting a 10,000 word book or unless 99% of that runtime features a mostly nekkid Rachel McAdams. Still, you don't have to bitch EVERY time about how long the movie is. Here's the thing, they've invented a device called the "Internet." On it, you can see the running time for the movie you are considering watching and then complaining about. What I'm saying is, this should not come as a surprise to you. Thus, when I ask you afterward what you thought, do not say to me "Well, it was long." Really? Really, time master, you think? Yes it was long, but was it good? If you say "it didn't sustain its run time," I at least find you a competent being but "it was long" is not a commentary its a statement of fact. If you're one of those people with the attention span of a fruit fly who can't finish the latest Dean Koontz book because its "too long," maybe you shouldn't be seeing movies that have a run time higher than your IQ. Find something new to complain about! Whine about lighting, or makeup, or dialogue, or plot, or the guy next to you who showed up 20 minutes into the movie, or about how long/plentiful the trailers were. Slip the whining about the length into the middle and we may even stay friends afterwards. You never know!

Well folks, that's my Festivus grievances. If you have your own, I encourage you to leave them. It's very therapeutic.

Quick clips for Tuesday December 16

Hot to Tron

I don't care that they're going with the lame-ass Tr2n, which sets a new low for substituting numbers for letters (1567 now means the F word, pass it on), I'm so excited for it that I'm willing to post obscure casting information as an excuse to talk about it. Case in point, The Hollywood Reporter says that Marissa Cooper ("House") has been cast as a worker in the virtual world who tries to fight Master Control Program, the cyber-douche evil villain from the first film (DAMN YOU MASTER CONTROL PROGRAM, DAMN YOU TO HELL!!!!) They even provide a link to her picture to prove that she's attractive. There's probably some "Maxim" pictures somewhere online with her hoo-hoos half hanging out or pinched and pushed up to Victorian era proportions. Anyhoo, the important thing is that Jeff Bridges is coming back and that the guy who dresses up like he's in Tron on "Jimmy Kimmel Live" has a reason to live again after all these years. Well, sort of. For those who weren't of the appropriate age or geek persuasion, Tron is a cinematic masterpiece that features shitty computer graphics and full-spandex body suits. Apparently, this new version will feature people other than Bridges in said spandex, making it even more awesome. Tr2n, I don't care how you get here, just get here if you can.

How much Blair can you bear?

Michael Sheen (no relation to any of the Sheens or any of the Michaels, especially Brett...speaking of whom, did you know that a tramp gets an STD every time you say his name? Brett Michaels, Brett Michaels, Brett Michaels. That was for you Julie, Sarah, and Diane) has worked with screenwriter Peter Morgan on The Deal (following Tony Blair's ascension to the pinnacle of UK politics) and The Queen (which was set against Diana's death and nabbed Helen Mirren an Oscar...which she promptly used to star in National Treasure 2 and as a forum to talk about how she doesn't believe that there is a such thing as date rape, so we're going to be needing that back). Now comes word that they're going to collaborate again on what is the single most unintentionally hilarious title ever for any movie in history. Detailing Blair's friendship with Bill Clinton, the movie is called The Special Relationship. Seriously. The Special Relationship. Are you kidding me?! I get that this is based on what Clinton called the partnership, but it sounds like (A) a mentally challenged romantic comedy, (B) a "show me where he touched you Lifetime movie," or (C) a Disney Channel movie featuring the Jonas Brothers. I'll give this to Sheen, he's a good Blair, but I'm hoping this puts an end to a bizarre trilogy before we get to A Very Special Relationship, which explores the "other" part of the Blair/Clinton union.

All fear the purple codpiece

Here's what I remember about 1996's The Phantom, it had Billy Effing Zane in full purple spandex (today's theme) and Catherine Zeta-Jones. One of those things aroused me more than the other (DAMN YOU ZANE!!!). Now comes word that they're going to bring back the purple-suited superhero (whose powers I don't remember) because every comic property is now seen as valuable despite the limited number that actually are. With a budget of almost $90 million, the film will focus on the "father/son relationship" and will be called The Phantom Legacy, which sounds every bit as thrilling as I remember the original to be. I don't know if this is a sequel, prequel, sidequel, or any other quel, but I do know that Zane is free if they need him. Also, Zeta-Jones wants out of the house too, because it's starting to smell like old people in there. You know I'm never going to bag on another superhero movie because it's just so cool to see such a frenzy for them, but there ARE comics I see on the shelf each week and pass by because they suck. Perhaps studios should consider that fact before greenlighting everything in tights and capes, especially when they tried it once before and it ruined the promising career of a talented thespian like Billy Zane. Billy Zane. There, I hit my target for using his name.

Quick clips for Monday December 15

Lists! Lists! Lists! Lists!

We Americans have such a woody for lists of all kinds and rankings of any variety that we are content to put un-top-10-able things into top 10s just because. Hell, Vh1 and E! virtually have a death match going to see who can come up with more ridiculous lists of 10 things to rank (Top 10 Brett Michael STD experiences vs Top 10 Ryan Seacrest Smarmy-isms). Of course, this means that sooner or later (later...we don't get movies soon enough) we'll be doing some top 10-ing, but for now, a few notable lists have emerged. The American Film Institute (which straddles the line between hoity-toity and comically mainstream) included the following as the top 10 of 2008:

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
The Dark Knight
Frost/Nixon
Frozen River
Gran Torino
Iron Man
Milk
WALL-E
Wendy and Lucy
The Wrestler

Okay, things to notice: (1) People apparently don't find Gran Torino to be the laugh-riot that the previews make it out to be. Seriously, have you seen that shit? Clint Eastwood's voice sounds like Christian Bale's Batman growl in 30 years. The trailer has the line "Get off my porch." How is this thing not hysterical? (2) Nice to see comic book movies get some love. Also, it should be noted despite my rampant preference of all things Marvel that anyone who defends Iron Man in comparison to The Dark Knight is just being an asshole. Two words: Iron. Monger. Don't get me wrong, that movie rocked, but don't be contrarian just for fun, you know The Dark Knight was better. (3) Good on WALL-E and Milk, haven't seen Frost/Nixon, Frozen River, The Wrestler (ooooh do I wanna see this one), or Benjamin Button, but they seem consistent with what I've heard...but what the hell's a Wendy and Lucy? Is that the new show with Selma Blair that makes me want to take up carbon monoxide poisoning? Look for more reports of notable (sorry, Stephen King, you put Lakeview Terrace on your top 10, you aren't notable) lists coming, because you people can't get enough lists! Lists! LISTS! LISTS!

Something to Crow about

MTV showed The Crow this weekend, which gave me the opportunity to pontificate at length to my wife about the quantity and scope of the ass that was kicked by that film. Unimpressed by my thorough discussion of acting nuance and the original text upon which the film was based, my wife simply shrugged her shoulders and informed me that she had an ex-boyfriend who was really into it. Said ex-boyfriend being a total douche, I was saddened. See, I know a lot of dingleberries loved The Crow, painted their faces like him for Halloween (or Tuesdays), and used it as a gateway to the world to which Hot Topic is a portal. Me? I just thought it was bad ass and emotional. So when Variety reported that Stephen Norrington, the guy who soiled League of Extraordinary Gentleman (basically sodomizing one of the most simplistic and brilliant ideas ever), would be writing and directing a "reinvention" of The Crow, I was a little unpleased. How bad was League? IT ENDED SEAN CONNERY'S CAREER. Sean freaking Connery has not made a movie since then (nor has Norrington for that matter). So, why not give him an awesome franchise that never had a chance to get rolling because Brandon Lee died during the filming of the first one? By the way, when I watched The Crow for the first time, my friend pointed out the irony of them including a "no animals were harmed in making this movie" credit in a film in which THE LEAD ACTOR WAS KILLED ON SET. Norrington said that "Whereas Proyas' original was gloriously gothic and stylized, the new movie will be realistic, hard-edged and mysterious, almost documentary-style." Wow, good thinking there champ. Why would you ever stay truthful to the source material? After all, your last bout of improvising from the script only KILLED SEAN CONNERY'S CAREER.

Box Office Results: Failure, for sale or rent...

I feel like Stephen Colbert here. AUSTRALIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! Again the thing sucks just less enough to squeeze its way into the top 5 and ruin my chances of success. So, what else have we learned this week beyond the fact that I am as inconsistent as a Chicago Bears quarterback? Well, Keanu doesn't have the draw he seems to think he does, people still can't get enough of Reese Witherspoon getting puked on, and the reason that there's no Hispanic movies carried by Hispanic casts is because people won't see them (perhaps if they were, you know, good?)

Here are the results:

1.) The Day the Earth Stood Still - $31 million (Accuracy of prediction - 78%)

Wow, this did NOT live up to the hype. Here's an example of why: The director was going to entirely take out the declaration "Klaatu Barada Niktu," which was once declared the most memorable sci-fi phrase ever, until KEANU REEVES insisted it be inserted (which it was, buried under other noise, almost inaudibly). They didn't have any business doing what they did to that classic film. So, they can suck on a box office turd.

2.) Four Christmases - $13 million (Accuracy of prediction - 96%)

Speaking of turd.

3.) Twilight - $8 million (Accuracy of prediction - 84%)

Have I mentioned that I hope Summit Pictures goes out of business? Because I do. Also, they are fast tracking the next film (which supposedly needs more effects) to come out this time next year. Good move stupid people, sucking MORE is always the way to go.

4.) Bolt - $7.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 73%)

This thing is just limping along. If it was a real dog, they would have put it down by now.

5.) Australia - $4 million (Accuracy of prediction - 0%)

This giant, continent-sized waste of talent is just lumbering along, making no real money but just enough to screw me up. I don't know what I did to you Kidman, but you'd best back off real fast.

Overall accuracy of prediction - 66%

You know how they tell you in school to finish every assignment because anything is better than a zero. Thanks for the refresher Australia.

Friday Free-For-All

Golden Globes that don't belong to Scarlett Johansson

The popularity of award shows are declining faster than the popularity of that one girl who won't really do "those things" after all. Still, I loves um. Just loves um. Don't even care that they are lame and don't represent the best films or performances in any way. I love the spectacle and the tears and the joy and all of it. I just love it, and if you don't you are just a hate-filled, hate-mongering, hatetastic hater. Let me put it another way: The last time you won an award, it probably didn't actually mean anything (unless your prize started with Nobel, in which case, kudos), but you were thrilled. I like watching people have that moment and I like guessing who is going to win what. It's sort of like gambling on people's joy, which is cool. Anyway, all of this brings me to the Golden Globe nominations, which were a little pedestrian for me this year. I'll give you some highlights and then my reaction:

Best Picture (Drama)
THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON
FROST/NIXON
THE READER
REVOLUTIONARY ROAD
SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE

Okay, so none of those movies has actually come here yet (wow, that sucks), but no big surprises aside from Batman's non-inclusion. If he had a chance at an Oscar nom in this category, it would have been after a Golden Globe nom. So I guess he'll just stick with being the highest grossing film to not include Kate Winslet's exposed body parts (come on, you know that's why it hit $600 million). One other point, if in this weak year Wall-E didn't get nominated for best picture proper, no animated film can or will ever be nominated for this award. Just saying.

Best Picture (Comedy or Musical)

BURN AFTER READING
HAPPY-GO-LUCKY
IN BRUGES
MAMMA MIA!
VICKY CRISTINA BARCELONA

Nice call on the Burn After Reading, really good film. Surprise here is In Bruges, which I've been told is orgasmic (but that's by people who are waaay too into movies). If you vote against a movie where Scarlett J and Penelope Cruz touch body parts, you suck.

Best Director
DANNY BOYLE – SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE
STEPHEN DALDRY – THE READER
DAVID FINCHER – THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON
RON HOWARD – FROST/NIXON
SAM MENDES – REVOLUTIONARY ROAD

Okay, this award will go to hack 1 (Howard) or hack 2 (Mendes), but should go to Fincher or Boyle. I am REALLY pulling for Boyle, because he's the best director not to have a major trophy now that Scorsese has his (whew).

Best Actress (Drama)
ANNE HATHAWAY – RACHEL GETTING MARRIED
ANGELINA JOLIE – CHANGELING
MERYL STREEP – DOUBT
KRISTIN SCOTT THOMAS – I'VE LOVED YOU SO LONG (IL Y A LONGTEMPS QUE JE T’AIME)
KATE WINSLET – REVOLUTIONARY ROAD

What? Meryl Streep was nominated for something?! Jolie's nomination is just ass kissing. Can we agree that we should all just get behind Kate Winslet, the best actress of this generation, and give her the damn awards this year. I don't even care what for, she shouldn't keep getting shut out! She keeps showing you her privates, what more does she have to do?

Best Actor (Drama)
LEONARDO DICAPRIO – REVOLUTIONARY ROAD
FRANK LANGELLA – FROST/NIXON
SEAN PENN – MILK
BRAD PITT – THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON
MICKEY ROURKE – THE WRESTLER

I can't tell you how badly I want to hear "Best actor is Mickey Rourke." I think this will go to Sean or Brad, but my fingers are crossed. All in all, pretty solid group (I think Langella is just happy that Rourke got nominated so he's not the ugliest one up there).

Best Actress (Comedy)
REBECCA HALL – VICKY CRISTINA BARCELONA
SALLY HAWKINS – HAPPY-GO-LUCKY
FRANCES MCDORMAND – BURN AFTER READING
MERYL STREEP – MAMMA MIA!
EMMA THOMPSON – LAST CHANCE HARVEY

Meryl Streep got nominated for something?! I hope this goes to Frances, but I'm okay with this list in general...aside from whatever the hell that Harvey movie is. Never heard of it. Seriously, NEVER.

Best Actor (Comedy)
JAVIER BARDEM – VICKY CRISTINA BARCELONA
COLIN FARRELL – IN BRUGES
JAMES FRANCO – PINEAPPLE EXPRESS
BRENDAN GLEESON – IN BRUGES
DUSTIN HOFFMAN – LAST CHANCE HARVEY

Most awesome nomination has to be Franco's here. It WAS an incredible performance. Honest to God it was. Two from the hit man movie was shocking and I STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL THIS HARVEY MOVIE IS. This category is one I'll be watching closely. Go Jimmy F!

Best Supporting Actress
AMY ADAMS – DOUBT
PENELOPE CRUZ – VICKY CRISTINA BARCELONA
VIOLA DAVIS –DOUBT
MARISA TOMEI – THE WRESTLER
KATE WINSLET – THE READER

I'm good with this list too, although don't be dicks and give Winslet a supporting actress trophy. Give her the big one. This would be awesome if Tomei could win here (not just because I think she's somehow age-defyingly getting hotter or because she's in the movie I'm most looking forward to), just to give that old rumor that she didn't deserve her last award a rest.

Best Supporting Actor
TOM CRUISE – TROPIC THUNDER
ROBERT DOWNEY JR. –TROPIC THUNDER
RALPH FIENNES – THE DUCHESS
PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN – DOUBT
HEATH LEDGER – THE DARK KNIGHT

Wow, the second most surprising nod is Cruise's here. It's totally underserved (people don't understand what a cameo is apparently). Yay for the Downey Jr nod, totally warranted, but Fiennes and Hoffman? Really, we need to applaud Hoffman playing a whack job again? This is Heath's award and we all know it, he'll be getting the first posthumous nod of many right here. Look for the weepies to start.

One TV category and then we're done, honest:

Best Television Series
DEXTER
HOUSE
IN TREATMENT
MAD MEN
TRUE BLOOD

I could try as hard as I could to find five less deserving nominees for something and couldn't do it. They totally pooped the bed on this one. "In Treatment?" Seriously? The god-forsaken vampire show? Have you seen that turd? "House?" What is someone still uncertain if he's going to figure it out eventually. "Lost" gets shunned for their best season, "30 Rock" gets shunned for being brilliant, "Battlestar Galactica" never got love. They can suck it on this one. I'm done now. Enjoy the start of awards season, you grinches, you.

Weekend battle plan: Surely you aren't done shopping yet?

In what can only be described as an epically awful winter season, we're given a Keanu Reeves movie as the only real wide release this week. Wide as in "Open wide and swallow this" because it's gonna hurt going down. Looking like a super-powered Independence Day without the Will Smith one-liners (like you don't still cheer for "Welcome to Earth!"), this one is going to do big money opening weekend and then slip out the back like an ungrateful child at his father's funeral (wow, that wasn't funny, that was just sad...I apologize for that one. I must be troubled). The other choices aren't that good either, meaning you're back to stimulating the economy by shopping or stimulating yourself by engaging in an activity other than watching movies. Oh, unless you want to go to Film Streams because they're holding Let the Right One In because of the awesomeness. You don't know how happy that makes me. Such a good movie and I totally called it early. I rule! I'm happy again, now my metaphors will return to being crazy and funny instead of Debbie Downer.

That's my recommendation: Go see Let the Right One In or, if you can't, see nothing. Do not support mediocrity!

On DVD: This almost goes without saying but go ahead and rent The Dark Knight. I know, I know, not exactly an original pick, but it's soooooo good. Honest, it really is. If you haven't seen it yet, don't be "one of those" jerks who doesn't see it just so you can say you haven't seen it. People don't like those people. We don't respect you for it, we just think you're obnoxious. So there you go, rent The Dark Knight or you'll be obnoxious. Why don't people ever pull my quotes for posters?

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

It was fun to do the 100th post recollection and see that I've never been good at this. Much like Rex Grossman, the Chicago Cubs, Keanu Reeves, and Jessica Simpson, not being good at what I do doesn't mean I'm going to stop doing it. This week should be easy to call number one but, once again, I'm going to have problems at the bottom (as opposed to problems with my bottom, which are way more unpleasant). Still, all I can do is try. Eff you Yoda, trying is all I have.

1.) The Day the Earth Stood Still - $45 million

Say this for the half-witted Reeves, he sure has had a successful career. Throw another giant hit on the pile, if only because we're STARVING for something that looks like a big movie. Seriously, one more week of Four Christmases at number one and I was going to take my own life at candy cane point.

2.) Four Christmases - $12 million

I have no other funny or interesting things to say about this movie. It's only appropriate, since it is neither funny nor interesting.

3.) Nothing Like the Holidays - $7.5 million

Conventional wisdom says this is Twilight's slot, but I'm pissed at that franchise AND I'm amazed that there isn't a bigger market for Hispanic-driven films. Seriously? Why is it that the black audience gets marketed to with regularity but a full Hispanic cast is seen with less frequency than a war-mongering vice president (don't think he's done, he's got 30 more days to bomb somebody else). I hope this beats expectations.

4.) Twilight - $7 million

I hate you Summit Pictures and I hate your movie too.

5.) Bolt - $5 million

If Australia beats you again, dog, I'm coming over there with a stick. By the way, if you think Australia is one of the year's best films, you shouldn't be sold movie tickets in the future.

Quick clips for Thursday December 11

How much ass can Kick Ass kick, if Kick Ass does kick ass?

If you aren't a fan of a movie called Kick Ass, what do you stand for? Because you don't stand for things that kick ass, that much is definitive. I've been following the development of this comic book-turned-movie about a kid with no powers fighting crime in a modified scuba suit (and doing so poorly) for a long time now and have shifted from generally excited to gently rocking back-and-forth while humming the "Love Boat" theme song (I mean, me doing that and my excitement for the film are likely unrelated, but you get the idea). So when Moriarty at Aintitcool.com did an awesome set report, I was interested ("THE LOVE BOAT hmmmhmmmhmmhmmhmmmhmmmm"). Nevermind that Moriarty is only slightly less wordy than, um, me...his description of what was going on at that set (the same set where HAN SOLO WAS FROZEN IN CARBONITE...YES, I'M SERIOUS, CAN YOU NOT TELL BY THE CAPS LOCK?!) is just incredible. I know that much of the superhero/comic book (not the same thing by the way) genre has been explored and that, despite author Mark Millar's insistence otherwise, that Kick Ass is not the reinvention of the wheel that he would have you believe (dude wants to do a 9-hour depressing Superman epic movie series that ends with his death...you can't give him more power). Still, how do you not get excited about this:

For those who can't tell, in the upper-right corner...that's McLovin' in a full-on mask and cape. You may now pause to take that in.

God did this just for me

I'm a Spider-man nerd to a degree that rendered me virtually unlovable throughout much of my public school life. The only thing on this planet about which I'd be more excited than spider-related paraphernalia would be all things U2. I would, in fact, make out with Bono (whether or not he or I wanted to) and am so totally whacked out in love with their music that I feel as though they were put on this earth to sing songs just for me. To a much smaller degree, I love Julie Taymor who directed Titus and Broadway's "Lion King" (hang in there, this last one will make sense). So when they announced awhile back that U2 would be making a musical with Julie Taymor about Spiderman, I just assumed they were effing with me somehow. They weren't. I have since begun planning how to get to New York in 2010 (provided this whole thing doesn't blow-up pre-Broadway debut, as the budget is rumored to be one billion dollars...okay, I'm exaggerating, but I'm so hopped up on Spider-U2 fandom I can't type straight). That said, I also didn't think this would actually get very far, that at some point someone would say "Hey, do we really need to make the coolest thing to ever happen to Ryan Syrek? I mean, there's no possible reason to do this other than his pleasure." But instead, things appear to be progressing, with IESB making the first casting announcement: MARY JANE will be played by this gal (presumably with more clothes on than in this picture but she had red hair in it so don't judge me)

That gal's name is Evan Rachel Woods and don't judge her by her former willingness to touch Marilyn Manson (ewwwww), judge her by her not being Kirsten Dunst. To be honest, I don't really care who she touches, so long as she makes it to Broadway with me in the front row, crying and trying to make out with somebody, anybody.

Girl power depowered

So you're Catherine Hardwicke and your the director of Twilight, a movie I've had a troubled relationship with (sight unseen I hate it). You've just had the highest opening for a movie directed by a female ever, you're out promoting the European leg of the release, and everybody is abuzz about the next big-screen installment of the female-fan-driven franchise. Then comes news that you ain't comin' back next time around and they're going to give the job to Chris Weitz, who last directed the giant flaming ball of suck that was The Golden Compass. Do you:

A.) Scream and cry while ripping apart your officially licensed Golden Compass polar bear footie pajamas (and in doing so, prove the theory that you were "difficult to work with")
B.) Breathe a sigh of relief that you're done with Smelly McSmelly and Ms Smokessomepot and don't have to shoot a stupid sequel to a stupid movie that only gets stupider.
C.) Continue acting like a professional

Hardwicke appears to be choosing C, although she should choose A. My favorite part about this story (and by favorite, I mean "eff you guys") is how FEMALE directors are "difficult" and MALE directors who are difficult are "meticulous artists." She made (by some accounts) a passable movie about bullshit. That story had NOTHING going for it and she made it at least happen without people bleeding from their eyes. From all accounts, her directing was the only acceptable part of this atrocity. Beyond all of that, suck it Summit Pictures, for firing a female director who just set a record off of a FEMALE-DRIVEN project. You want all the TV coverage and news reporting on how moms and daughters go together to this film and read the books together and knit "I Love Robert Pattinson" tea coozies together, but you don't have the stones to at least find a FEMALE replacement? Anywhere? Nicely played douchebags.