Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

Wow is this week hard. I mean, there are no less than 8 movies that have a chance at the top 5. Even with my underhanded trick of the Wildcard, this may end terribly for me. Also ending and beginning terribly: Marmaduke. I hope that the indie-horror flick Splice does well, and that Get Him to the Greek doesn't woefully underperform as I fear it will. I have no care in the world for whatever happens to the Heigl/Kutcher bomb-to-be, but it would be nice for something to take down the latest Shrek movie. How can it suck, be a flop, and STILL be atop the charts. It's maddening. Enough already, it's Friday and you have places to be. Here are this week's prediction haikus!

1.) Shrek Forever After - $23 million

Forever After?
Or it's The Final Chapter?
Either way, BE GONE.

2.) Get Him to the Greek - $18 million

Russell Brand kicks ass.
Jonah Hill is sometimes good.
Let's hope this does well.

3.) Killers - $17 million

Katherine Heigl sucks.
She bugs the crap out of me.
And has baby teeth.

4.) Prince of Persia: Sands of Time - $15.5 million

Not the hit I thought.
Too bad for Jake Gyllenhaal.
He should lose an "a."

5.) Marmaduke - $15 million

Marmaduke is real?
How did we let this happen?
This is a new low.

WILDCARD - Splice - $14 million

I hope this does well.
Intelligent horror rules.
I want more of it.

Okay, that's it. Enjoy your weekend. Behave. Relax. I will try to do both and do neither.

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Owen Wilson's career officially a parody of itself

Owen Wilson is going to play Marmaduke in Marmaduke, an animated film based on the comic strip "Marmaduke" about a dog who doesn't f**king talk. It's the comic strip you skip over right before you skip over "Family Circus," which also has exactly one panel because the artist is lazy and uninspired. The best thing about Marmaduke is this, which is a site that features "Marmaduke Explained." It helps unpack the deep, biting social commentary offered by the oversized creature (seriously, what the hell kind of dog is Marmaduke? Is he half giraffe? Also, did he just totally steal Clifford's schtick or are the two like cousins or something?). For example:

"Marmaduke's owner-man can justify it however he wants, but there is only one explanation: he lets Marmaduke dig because he is a big pussy."

and "Marmaduke is about to sodomize a banker into signing his owner-man's loan papers. And yes, before I get any emails, Marmaduke will probably eat the banker after he sodomizes him. What else would he do?"

You have now officially laughed more at Marmaduke than you ever have before in your whole life and 10 times more than you will during the sure to be insufferable movie with Owen Wilson's voice in it. Seriously, that guy needs a career intervention before I forget he's not a living spoof of himself.