Box Office Results: Suck on that, White!

Okay, so technically Toy Story 3 didn't set a record, but it's early. Given the relative lack of family films (or any films) of quality this summer, there's every chance that TS3 is going to set the all-time animation record. Yeah, I said it. There's virtually nothing standing between it and unparalleled success, and it even has 3D going for it. The world is Buzz and Woody's oyster. In other news, tip your cap and bow your head, Megan Fox's career died on Sunday, June 20th. If she can't even portray a hooker effectively, she has no further hope. She will now commence a career consisting entirely of appearing in gentlemen magazines where's she almost shows booby but never does. You make women with talent proud, Miss Fox!

Okay, here's the rest of the box office results, haiku style.

1.) Toy Story 3 - $109 million (Accuracy of prediction - 95%)

These toys aren't playing.
They're out for box office blood!
Faster, Buzz, KILL KILL!

2.) Karate Kid - $29 million (Accuracy of prediction - 95%)

The younger Smith rules.
Back at home, there will be blood.
Only one can rule!

3.) The A-Team - $14 million (Accuracy of prediction - 90%)

It's not a big flop.
But it is a mini-bomb.
So it's like kaboom

4.) Get Him to the Greek - $6.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 90%)

A nice little film
taking in a nice tally.
That's...what's the word? Nice!

5.) Shrek Forever After - $5.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 82%)

The summer's big flop,
and yet nobody says it.
Let me then: This sucked.

Overall Accuracy of Prediction - 90.4%

Summer is now here!
And yet I am not on break.
This is so not fair.

Okay, that's it guys, happy Monday, be productive.

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Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

I'll be back later on today with a Toy Story 3 review, but for now, you just console yourself with some wickedly hilarious haikus. Okay, maybe not wicked hilarious, but you try being funny about Jonah Hex. Actually, that's pretty easy. Speaking of the movie that has yet to convince one critic in America that it doesn't suck the shell off of an egg, it's going to do poorly. Like, "why did this happen to some good people" kind of poorly. Not doing poorly: Toy Story 3, which had a theater absolutely packed at midnight last night. Speaking of that, quick anecdote for you. My friend, Matt, and I went to go see the movie and were SHOCKED to find the theater populated entirely (and I mean ENTIRELY) with people aged 16-22. We were old men. This just in: People aged 16-22 apparently do not know how to appropriately watch a movie in a theater. With one guy making ridiculous noises to get attention, half the audience calling out to one another from ACROSS THE THEATER, a girl who laughed during every sincere moment (I mean LAUGHED too, not giggled), and three quarters of the audience expressing absolute astonishment by the magic of 3D throughout the film, it was easily the worst collective audience I've ever seen a movie with. I won't hold this against Toy Story 3. It was great.

Anyway, here's my predictions for the weekend, haiku style.

1.) Toy Story 3 - $120 million

The best "3" ever?
I'd say it is possible.
Suck on that Eclipse!

2.) The Karate Kid - $32 million

Step one is complete.
Step two involves an album.
Jaden Smith is HERE!

3.) Jonah Hex - $15 million

Megan Fox sucks bad.
She has a Southern accent.
Just think about that.

4.) The A-Team - $14 million

So much for that plan.
There will be no franchise here.
Neeson is soooo pissed.

5.) Shrek Forever After - $7.5 million

Goodbye you booger.
Pixar will kick your booty.
So what else is new?

WILDCARD - Get Him to the Greek - $6.5 million

I think I'll own this.
There's so much funny in it.
Russell Brand is god.

Okay, that's it for now, back later with a review for you!

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Weekend Box Office Results: Holy high kick!

I knew there was a chance that The Karate Kid would do better than The A-Team, I just didn't think it would do a spinning jump-kick to its throat. Sweet suffering sweep kicks did the tween fight flick wind up with some serious dough. This just means that the future is now set: We're going to see Will Smith pass all of his roles down to his son one day. Trust me, we'll be talking about the reboot of Men in Black, the continuation of Independence Day, and the sequel to Ali all starring Jaden Smith (okay, maybe not the last one). On a side note, The A-Team should blame their lack of box office boom on Jessica Biel. Seriously, who did that? Who put her in there? She's kind of cute (sorry, she's not THAT cute) and she's almost Alba-esque in her acting. I blame her for this.

Here's the results, haiku style:

1.) The Karate Kid- $56 million (Accuracy of prediction - 67%)

Holy spawn of Smith!
Here's the Summer Messiah!
And he's eleven!!!!

2.) The A-Team - $26 million (Accuracy of prediction - 72.5%)

Sorry Hannibal.
Plan did not come together.
You're on the B team.

3.) Shrek Forever After - $16 million (Accuracy of prediction - 100%)

Soon, you will be gone.
Soon yes, but not soon enough!
I hate you green turd.

4.) Get Him to the Greek - $10 million (Accuracy of prediction - 97.5%)

This deserves better.
I hope it has a long run.
And Jonah Hill too.

5.) Killers- $8 million (Accuracy of prediction - 97%)

This was a big flop.
Hopefully it falls upon
Katherine Heigl.

Overall Accuracy of Prediction - 87%

Good Summer weekend!
This is a rare thing this year.
It could soon heat up.

Okay, that's it for Monday. Take it easy but be productive. We have a long week ahead of us, y'all.

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Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

If nothing else, this will be the end of Shrek's reign of terror. That's something, right? The battle between The A-Team and Karate Kid is going to be closer than expected, thanks to the family appeal of the latter and the "you seriously want to see that?" reaction of most people trying to take spouses and loved ones unfamiliar with the joy of the original 1980s TV show. The seed of Will Smith will do his high-kicking damndest to win the week for his poppa, but it's hard to top shooting a plane with a tank that's falling in the air. Thankfully, I'm here to weigh in on the tough issues of tank-splosions versus flexible, kung-fu using offspring.

Here's my predictions, haiku style:

1.) The A-Team - $35 million

My favorite show,
when I was but a wee lad.
Nostalgia kicks ass.

2.) The Karate Kid - $30 million

It's not a remake.
It should be the Kung Fu Kid.
Nary a crane kick!

3.) Shrek Forever After - $16 million

Go away green man.
You've overstayed your welcome
by at least 3 films.

4.) Get Him to the Greek - $9.5 million

This is quite funny
and deserves some more success.
Jonah Hill must eat!

5.) Killers - $7.5 million

Heigl may be done.
She thinks she's famous, but no.
She can disappear.

WILDCARD: Prince of Persia - $6.5 million

This is a big flop.
Jake got all yoked for nothing.
Sorry about that.

Okay, that's it for predictions, I'll be back later with a Karate Kid review!

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Box Office Results: Shrek this

First off, no movie news happened this weekend. I would tell you about it if it did, but it didn't. Apparently the world was watching the MTV Movie Awards to see if Twilight could pull off the win (spoiler alert: teenagers still love it and still watch MTV). Actually, quick note about that show (not that I watched it): People bag on Kristen Stewart too much. I like her. Yeah, I said it. I've mentioned my support of her in the past based on her loathing of that which made her famous, but to watch her on stage is to see someone ill prepared to be that famous. What others see as cocky and aloof I think is fairly obviously anxiety with her degree of popularity. Also, gal's got some sticks. I say in 5 years we're talking about her as a quality actress, just my hunch.

Anyhoodle, back to the box office bonanza. Much has been made recently of this year's summer swoon. Here's a hint, Hollywood: Make better movies. Turns out you can 3D and IMAX your ass off, but if the movies suck we won't go. Tallies are down across the board, and one can't help but think if we're still seeing a combination of the fallout from the writer's strike and a general tipping point for quality. Yes, we're just a few months removed from Avatar becoming the biggest thing since Jonah Hill's waistline, but I think we're seeing the consequences of quality. Nobody saw Marmaduke. That in and of itself is a victory, right? I mean, Beverly Hills Chihuahua was a hit.

Here's this week's results, haiku style:

1.) Shrek Forever After - $25 million (Accuracy of prediction - 96%)

A riddle for you?
What's green and shouldn't be picked?
Hint: Not a booger.

2.) Get Him to the Greek - $17 million (Accuracy of prediction - 97%)

You should see this one.
It's the only film this year
where Diddy gets laughs.

3.) Killers - $16 million (Accuracy of prediction - 97%)

Hey, Katherine Heigl
looks like you have your first flop.
Miss your TV show?

4.) Prince of Persia - $14 million (Accuracy of prediction - 95%)

This is an epic,
there's no denying it.
It's an epic fail.

5.) Sex and the City 2 - $12.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 0%)

Damn you, Marmaduke!
I thought you'd keep these whores out!
You're good for nothing.

Overall accuracy of prediction - 77%

I almost had it.
Damn you S-A-T-C-2
Be gone forever!

Okay, that's it gang. Happy Monday to ya. Let's do it to it this week, right?!

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Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

Wow is this week hard. I mean, there are no less than 8 movies that have a chance at the top 5. Even with my underhanded trick of the Wildcard, this may end terribly for me. Also ending and beginning terribly: Marmaduke. I hope that the indie-horror flick Splice does well, and that Get Him to the Greek doesn't woefully underperform as I fear it will. I have no care in the world for whatever happens to the Heigl/Kutcher bomb-to-be, but it would be nice for something to take down the latest Shrek movie. How can it suck, be a flop, and STILL be atop the charts. It's maddening. Enough already, it's Friday and you have places to be. Here are this week's prediction haikus!

1.) Shrek Forever After - $23 million

Forever After?
Or it's The Final Chapter?
Either way, BE GONE.

2.) Get Him to the Greek - $18 million

Russell Brand kicks ass.
Jonah Hill is sometimes good.
Let's hope this does well.

3.) Killers - $17 million

Katherine Heigl sucks.
She bugs the crap out of me.
And has baby teeth.

4.) Prince of Persia: Sands of Time - $15.5 million

Not the hit I thought.
Too bad for Jake Gyllenhaal.
He should lose an "a."

5.) Marmaduke - $15 million

Marmaduke is real?
How did we let this happen?
This is a new low.

WILDCARD - Splice - $14 million

I hope this does well.
Intelligent horror rules.
I want more of it.

Okay, that's it. Enjoy your weekend. Behave. Relax. I will try to do both and do neither.

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Box Office Results: Suck it Sex and the City!

Yes, technically you could spin this to be good news for Shrek (it isn't, as the fourth film is still waaaay off of what was expected), bad news for Prince of Persia (it is, but not that bad), or "it is what we expected" news for Sex and the City (it isn't). If you consider the frenzy over that first day of release, when the film took in a TON of money, and you remember what the first film did it's opening weekend in just 3 days ($57 million), then the total for this holiday stretch is particularly weak. Personally, I'm going to just believe that the brilliant review from Lindy out in Seattle did in the stupid, reprehensible flick.

Here's how the weekend shaped up, haiku style:

1.) Shrek Forever After - $55 million (Accuracy of prediction - 66%)

Damn you, green ogre!
Why can't you even flop right?
Be gone forever.

2.) Prince of Persia: Sands of Time - $38 million (Accuracy of prediction - 58.5%)

By Gyllenhaal's abs!
I can't believe this total!
Video game CURSE!

3.) Sex and the City 2 - $37 million (Accuracy of prediction - 58.5%)

Ha, ha. Take that, douche!
I love that this is failing!
Maybe it's the last!!!!

4.) Iron Man 2 - $20 million (Accuracy of prediction - 97.5%)

I love Iron Man.
He will never let me down.
I love you tin man.

5.) Robin Hood - $13.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 94.5%)

It's almost over.
Russell Crowe can go away.
Back to his ho-hos.

Overall Accuracy of Prediction - 75%

The bombs really hurt.
Persia and Sex both sucked it.
And thus, so did I.

Okay, that's it for today. Short week for us, so let's really make today count...right?

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Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

Well, the good news is that as fast as the Sex and the City tramps arrive, they leave. What I mean is, they usually are super quick out of the gate and then fall of drastically because they have a loyal but small fan base. They're like Twilight for older, non-cat ladies. Whereas those gals have small appeal, everyone wants to touch Jake Gyllenhaal, especially when his abs have abs as they do in Prince of Persia. This means a big box office duel this weekend, and I'm sticking to my guns. I think PoP beats out SATC2, but just barely. Then again, I'm wrong so often I should work for Fox news.

Here's how I see the weekend box office, haiku style (oh, and this is for the 4-day stretch from Today through Memorial Day...I will not be blogging that day):

1.) Prince of Persia: Sands of Time - $62 million

Always bet on black.
But you NEVER bet against,
Jake Gyllenhaal's abs.

2.) Sex and the City 2 - $60 million

Have fun out there, girls.
You have a loyal fan base.
Too bad they are wrong.

3.) Shrek Forever After - $40 million

We have our first flop.
How bad do you have to feel?
You're the worst Shrek flick.

4.) Iron Man 2 - $19 million

Keep flying, Tony!
I want Marvel flush with cash.
It's Avengers time!

5.) Robin Hood - $12 million

Bye, bye Mr. Crowe.
By the next time we see you
you will be larger.

Okay, that's it. I'm out on Monday like the rest of you good Americans. Remember loved ones and those who died for the country, have a great weekend, and smoke some weenies for me.

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Weekend Box Office Results: Maybe people didn't go see Shrek because of "Lost?"

I know I dedicated pretty much all day yesterday to "Lost," so maybe there's just a huge crossover between Shrek audience members and "Lost" fans. Right, and maybe there's also a big crossover between people who own a Lindsay Lohan record and Nobel Prize Winning physicists. The reality is, Shrek 3 sucked butt. Shrek 4 looked like butt. So nobody went to see Shrek 4. Okay, not nobody. $70 million is a ton of money, but not for this series. Every prediction had it doing something like $100 million, so this is unquestionably a big fat sign that we're finally done with Shrek. Also interesting: People apparently did not care that reviews for MacGruber were generally quite positive. They did NOT care to see it. I'm a little surprised, although I still hold out hope for a slow burn. Maybe people will flock to it later? Guessing not.

Okay, I'm tired, I've got a lot to do. So here's the final tallies (haiku style):

1.) Shrek Forever After - $71 million (Accuracy of prediction - 72.5%)

This isn't my fault.
The last few did huge money.
People don't like crap?

2.) Iron Man 2 - $27 million (Accuracy of prediction - 96%)

Keep on flying, man!
You're the early summer champ!
Let's see if it lasts....

3.) Robin Hood - $18.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 98.5%)

So much for a flop.
It is even holding well.
You go, sweet fat man!

4.) Letters to Juliet - $9 million (Accuracy of prediction - 79%)

Oh YEAH! I forgot!
It's the only female flick.
It wins by default!

5.) MacGruber - $4 million (Accuracy of prediction - 45%)

Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch
No new movie stars are born.
At least they have jobs.

Overall accuracy of prediction - 78%

Well, I guess that's it.
I did not have a good week.
But I did love "Lost!!!!"

Happy Monday to ya! See you tomorrow!

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Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

You'll notice this isn't my last post of the day. Nope. I have an epic "Lost" finale prediction section to get to before this is all said and done. So, I figured, let's get the Shrek talk out of the way now. Yes, this movie is going to do all sorts of money, aided in part by the first $20 movie ticket ever. If you just puked in your mouth, know that your puke tasted like 3D. This is the price we pay for excess, more breeding excess. We also have MacGruber opening this week, and I think it may actually have some measure of staying power. It's not going to be blowing people away opening weekend, but considering your other option for a laugh is to either (A) guffaw at Russell Crowe's waistline in Robin Hood or (B) pretend fart jokes are still entertaining with Shrek. Plus, I love Kristen Wiig with every fiber of my stupid heart, so I'm hoping she comes out a winner on this. Alright, enough's enough, if I'm going to get to my epic "Lost" predictions, I have to wrap this up.

Here are the box office predictions for this weekend, haiku style:

1.) Shrek Forever After - $110 million

The least they could do
is be clever with spelling.
FOUR-ever after?

2.) Iron Man 2 - $29 million

This one may wind up
lower than was expected.
It's still effing huge.

3.) Robin Hood - $18 million

Like Russel Crowe's belt,
when it comes to box office,
this will not hold well.

4.) MacGruber - $15 million

I smell a sleeper...
as in a slow-burning hit,
I don't sniff dreamers.

5.) Letters to Juliet - $7.5 million

First there was Dear John.
Now Letters to Juliet.
At least she can read.

That's it for the predictions. If you're a Lostie, be back here in a few hours for my final predictions ever!!!!!

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