Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

Wow is this week hard. I mean, there are no less than 8 movies that have a chance at the top 5. Even with my underhanded trick of the Wildcard, this may end terribly for me. Also ending and beginning terribly: Marmaduke. I hope that the indie-horror flick Splice does well, and that Get Him to the Greek doesn't woefully underperform as I fear it will. I have no care in the world for whatever happens to the Heigl/Kutcher bomb-to-be, but it would be nice for something to take down the latest Shrek movie. How can it suck, be a flop, and STILL be atop the charts. It's maddening. Enough already, it's Friday and you have places to be. Here are this week's prediction haikus!

1.) Shrek Forever After - $23 million

Forever After?
Or it's The Final Chapter?
Either way, BE GONE.

2.) Get Him to the Greek - $18 million

Russell Brand kicks ass.
Jonah Hill is sometimes good.
Let's hope this does well.

3.) Killers - $17 million

Katherine Heigl sucks.
She bugs the crap out of me.
And has baby teeth.

4.) Prince of Persia: Sands of Time - $15.5 million

Not the hit I thought.
Too bad for Jake Gyllenhaal.
He should lose an "a."

5.) Marmaduke - $15 million

Marmaduke is real?
How did we let this happen?
This is a new low.

WILDCARD - Splice - $14 million

I hope this does well.
Intelligent horror rules.
I want more of it.

Okay, that's it. Enjoy your weekend. Behave. Relax. I will try to do both and do neither.

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Weekend Box Office Results: Maybe people didn't go see Shrek because of "Lost?"

I know I dedicated pretty much all day yesterday to "Lost," so maybe there's just a huge crossover between Shrek audience members and "Lost" fans. Right, and maybe there's also a big crossover between people who own a Lindsay Lohan record and Nobel Prize Winning physicists. The reality is, Shrek 3 sucked butt. Shrek 4 looked like butt. So nobody went to see Shrek 4. Okay, not nobody. $70 million is a ton of money, but not for this series. Every prediction had it doing something like $100 million, so this is unquestionably a big fat sign that we're finally done with Shrek. Also interesting: People apparently did not care that reviews for MacGruber were generally quite positive. They did NOT care to see it. I'm a little surprised, although I still hold out hope for a slow burn. Maybe people will flock to it later? Guessing not.

Okay, I'm tired, I've got a lot to do. So here's the final tallies (haiku style):

1.) Shrek Forever After - $71 million (Accuracy of prediction - 72.5%)

This isn't my fault.
The last few did huge money.
People don't like crap?

2.) Iron Man 2 - $27 million (Accuracy of prediction - 96%)

Keep on flying, man!
You're the early summer champ!
Let's see if it lasts....

3.) Robin Hood - $18.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 98.5%)

So much for a flop.
It is even holding well.
You go, sweet fat man!

4.) Letters to Juliet - $9 million (Accuracy of prediction - 79%)

Oh YEAH! I forgot!
It's the only female flick.
It wins by default!

5.) MacGruber - $4 million (Accuracy of prediction - 45%)

Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch
No new movie stars are born.
At least they have jobs.

Overall accuracy of prediction - 78%

Well, I guess that's it.
I did not have a good week.
But I did love "Lost!!!!"

Happy Monday to ya! See you tomorrow!

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Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

You'll notice this isn't my last post of the day. Nope. I have an epic "Lost" finale prediction section to get to before this is all said and done. So, I figured, let's get the Shrek talk out of the way now. Yes, this movie is going to do all sorts of money, aided in part by the first $20 movie ticket ever. If you just puked in your mouth, know that your puke tasted like 3D. This is the price we pay for excess, more breeding excess. We also have MacGruber opening this week, and I think it may actually have some measure of staying power. It's not going to be blowing people away opening weekend, but considering your other option for a laugh is to either (A) guffaw at Russell Crowe's waistline in Robin Hood or (B) pretend fart jokes are still entertaining with Shrek. Plus, I love Kristen Wiig with every fiber of my stupid heart, so I'm hoping she comes out a winner on this. Alright, enough's enough, if I'm going to get to my epic "Lost" predictions, I have to wrap this up.

Here are the box office predictions for this weekend, haiku style:

1.) Shrek Forever After - $110 million

The least they could do
is be clever with spelling.
FOUR-ever after?

2.) Iron Man 2 - $29 million

This one may wind up
lower than was expected.
It's still effing huge.

3.) Robin Hood - $18 million

Like Russel Crowe's belt,
when it comes to box office,
this will not hold well.

4.) MacGruber - $15 million

I smell a sleeper...
as in a slow-burning hit,
I don't sniff dreamers.

5.) Letters to Juliet - $7.5 million

First there was Dear John.
Now Letters to Juliet.
At least she can read.

That's it for the predictions. If you're a Lostie, be back here in a few hours for my final predictions ever!!!!!

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