Box Office Results: Shrek this

First off, no movie news happened this weekend. I would tell you about it if it did, but it didn't. Apparently the world was watching the MTV Movie Awards to see if Twilight could pull off the win (spoiler alert: teenagers still love it and still watch MTV). Actually, quick note about that show (not that I watched it): People bag on Kristen Stewart too much. I like her. Yeah, I said it. I've mentioned my support of her in the past based on her loathing of that which made her famous, but to watch her on stage is to see someone ill prepared to be that famous. What others see as cocky and aloof I think is fairly obviously anxiety with her degree of popularity. Also, gal's got some sticks. I say in 5 years we're talking about her as a quality actress, just my hunch.

Anyhoodle, back to the box office bonanza. Much has been made recently of this year's summer swoon. Here's a hint, Hollywood: Make better movies. Turns out you can 3D and IMAX your ass off, but if the movies suck we won't go. Tallies are down across the board, and one can't help but think if we're still seeing a combination of the fallout from the writer's strike and a general tipping point for quality. Yes, we're just a few months removed from Avatar becoming the biggest thing since Jonah Hill's waistline, but I think we're seeing the consequences of quality. Nobody saw Marmaduke. That in and of itself is a victory, right? I mean, Beverly Hills Chihuahua was a hit.

Here's this week's results, haiku style:

1.) Shrek Forever After - $25 million (Accuracy of prediction - 96%)

A riddle for you?
What's green and shouldn't be picked?
Hint: Not a booger.

2.) Get Him to the Greek - $17 million (Accuracy of prediction - 97%)

You should see this one.
It's the only film this year
where Diddy gets laughs.

3.) Killers - $16 million (Accuracy of prediction - 97%)

Hey, Katherine Heigl
looks like you have your first flop.
Miss your TV show?

4.) Prince of Persia - $14 million (Accuracy of prediction - 95%)

This is an epic,
there's no denying it.
It's an epic fail.

5.) Sex and the City 2 - $12.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 0%)

Damn you, Marmaduke!
I thought you'd keep these whores out!
You're good for nothing.

Overall accuracy of prediction - 77%

I almost had it.
Damn you S-A-T-C-2
Be gone forever!

Okay, that's it gang. Happy Monday to ya. Let's do it to it this week, right?!

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Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

Wow is this week hard. I mean, there are no less than 8 movies that have a chance at the top 5. Even with my underhanded trick of the Wildcard, this may end terribly for me. Also ending and beginning terribly: Marmaduke. I hope that the indie-horror flick Splice does well, and that Get Him to the Greek doesn't woefully underperform as I fear it will. I have no care in the world for whatever happens to the Heigl/Kutcher bomb-to-be, but it would be nice for something to take down the latest Shrek movie. How can it suck, be a flop, and STILL be atop the charts. It's maddening. Enough already, it's Friday and you have places to be. Here are this week's prediction haikus!

1.) Shrek Forever After - $23 million

Forever After?
Or it's The Final Chapter?
Either way, BE GONE.

2.) Get Him to the Greek - $18 million

Russell Brand kicks ass.
Jonah Hill is sometimes good.
Let's hope this does well.

3.) Killers - $17 million

Katherine Heigl sucks.
She bugs the crap out of me.
And has baby teeth.

4.) Prince of Persia: Sands of Time - $15.5 million

Not the hit I thought.
Too bad for Jake Gyllenhaal.
He should lose an "a."

5.) Marmaduke - $15 million

Marmaduke is real?
How did we let this happen?
This is a new low.

WILDCARD - Splice - $14 million

I hope this does well.
Intelligent horror rules.
I want more of it.

Okay, that's it. Enjoy your weekend. Behave. Relax. I will try to do both and do neither.

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Box Office Results: Suck it Sex and the City!

Yes, technically you could spin this to be good news for Shrek (it isn't, as the fourth film is still waaaay off of what was expected), bad news for Prince of Persia (it is, but not that bad), or "it is what we expected" news for Sex and the City (it isn't). If you consider the frenzy over that first day of release, when the film took in a TON of money, and you remember what the first film did it's opening weekend in just 3 days ($57 million), then the total for this holiday stretch is particularly weak. Personally, I'm going to just believe that the brilliant review from Lindy out in Seattle did in the stupid, reprehensible flick.

Here's how the weekend shaped up, haiku style:

1.) Shrek Forever After - $55 million (Accuracy of prediction - 66%)

Damn you, green ogre!
Why can't you even flop right?
Be gone forever.

2.) Prince of Persia: Sands of Time - $38 million (Accuracy of prediction - 58.5%)

By Gyllenhaal's abs!
I can't believe this total!
Video game CURSE!

3.) Sex and the City 2 - $37 million (Accuracy of prediction - 58.5%)

Ha, ha. Take that, douche!
I love that this is failing!
Maybe it's the last!!!!

4.) Iron Man 2 - $20 million (Accuracy of prediction - 97.5%)

I love Iron Man.
He will never let me down.
I love you tin man.

5.) Robin Hood - $13.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 94.5%)

It's almost over.
Russell Crowe can go away.
Back to his ho-hos.

Overall Accuracy of Prediction - 75%

The bombs really hurt.
Persia and Sex both sucked it.
And thus, so did I.

Okay, that's it for today. Short week for us, so let's really make today count...right?

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Movie Review: Prince of Persia

My Memorial Day weekend was filled with moving every item in my house (thanks to refinishing hardwood floors), having Christmas with my in-laws (yeah, you read that right), and generally exhausting myself to the point of stupidity. Thus, I was unable to complete any sort of gigantic love letter to the supple abs of Jake Gyllenhaaaaaaal in Prince of Persia: Feel These Things, They're Rock Hard. Thus, I turned the duty over to the capable Justin Senkbile, who is far less susceptible to the charms of the Gyllen-clan. I will note that the video game was a bigger blast than a mouthful of nitroglycerin, and that I'm a mega-sucker for swashbuckling when it's done for funsies (not for serious like with Robin Hood). But enough about my needs, let's take a peek at what Justin had to say!

Persepolis in Fragments
Jake Gyllenhaal gets muscular, saves ancient Persia
Justin Senkbile

This might sound cynical, but as far as I’m concerned a movie based on a video game has its fate sealed long before it’s been shot. A boring, cobbled together collection of catch-phrases and blood-lettings seems to be the best one can hope for. What a delight, then, to find director Mike Newell’s Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time, an exciting little adventure movie (though it’s really very big), draped over a plot that might sound vaguely familiar.

Persian princes Tus (Richard Coyle) and Garsiv (Toby Kebbell) believe the leaders of the Holy city of Alamut have been harboring weapons and providing them to Persia’s enemies. Without much proof of this, they, along with adopted brother Dastan (Jake Gyllenhall), invade the city and virtually destroy it. They never do end up finding any weapons.

As it turns out, the impressionable young princes had been manipulated by the King’s advisor Nizam (Ben Kingsley), who had used a search for weapons as a pretense for his own aims. What follows is basically a scramble to clean up the mess left in the wake of that fateful invasion of Baghdad... er, I mean Alamut.

As opposed to the war in Iraq, the situation in Persia benefits from the bravery of Dastan, a classical movie hero (he’s more Douglas Fairbanks than Tarzan) who’s as acrobatic as, well, a video game character. There’s also some business involving a dagger with time traveling capabilities, and an unusually chaste romance between Dastan and Princess Tamina (Gemma Arterton, who also played a large role in this year’s mind-numbing Clash of the Titans).

Since the majority of movies of this ilk seem to somehow get everything wrong, even the easy stuff (I’ll mention Titans again here), Persia is a pleasant surprise. In terms of a summer action/adventure picture, there’s really nothing to complain about. Hey, when everything else at the multiplex is either a hymn to rich, white values or uncomfortably close to being bald-faced highway robbery then, yeah, Persia is a breath of fresh air.

For that, we can thank the fact that this movie not only knows where it stands, it downright embraces it. Persia totally ignores the allure of “realism”, that ever-elusive and increasingly abstract ingredient that most modern action movies think can be obtained with some dark photography, a lot of pseudo-psychology and a handful of brooding actors. In Persia, the lines are clearly drawn between good and evil, bravery and cowardice. It’s silly and proud of it, a fun, harmless popcorn movie.


As always, we have actors as well to thank for what works in the movie. Kingsley is particularly good, but I imagine he could probably play this character in his sleep. The always wonderful Alfred Molina stands out too, hamming it up as a conniving but ultimately good hearted (go figure) Sheik named Amar. Gyllenhall is also worth mentioning, and his work is more of a surprise. Dastan is pretty far from Zodiac or Brokeback Mountain, but he proves a perfectly convincing hero in Gyllenhall’s hands.

Nearly as important as the actors are the beautiful, meticulously designed sets and costumes in Persia, something I generally have little to no interest in, but are impossible to go unnoticed here.

Ultimately, Prince of Persia is an escapist adventure picture that gets just about everything right. I can’t say it’s anything incredible or profound, but it is something that’s become quite novel: a good, old-fashioned night at the movies.

Grade: B

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Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

Well, the good news is that as fast as the Sex and the City tramps arrive, they leave. What I mean is, they usually are super quick out of the gate and then fall of drastically because they have a loyal but small fan base. They're like Twilight for older, non-cat ladies. Whereas those gals have small appeal, everyone wants to touch Jake Gyllenhaal, especially when his abs have abs as they do in Prince of Persia. This means a big box office duel this weekend, and I'm sticking to my guns. I think PoP beats out SATC2, but just barely. Then again, I'm wrong so often I should work for Fox news.

Here's how I see the weekend box office, haiku style (oh, and this is for the 4-day stretch from Today through Memorial Day...I will not be blogging that day):

1.) Prince of Persia: Sands of Time - $62 million

Always bet on black.
But you NEVER bet against,
Jake Gyllenhaal's abs.

2.) Sex and the City 2 - $60 million

Have fun out there, girls.
You have a loyal fan base.
Too bad they are wrong.

3.) Shrek Forever After - $40 million

We have our first flop.
How bad do you have to feel?
You're the worst Shrek flick.

4.) Iron Man 2 - $19 million

Keep flying, Tony!
I want Marvel flush with cash.
It's Avengers time!

5.) Robin Hood - $12 million

Bye, bye Mr. Crowe.
By the next time we see you
you will be larger.

Okay, that's it. I'm out on Monday like the rest of you good Americans. Remember loved ones and those who died for the country, have a great weekend, and smoke some weenies for me.

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