Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

I'll be back at some point with my Due Date review. It was...okay. That's all. It's going to do CRAZY business that first week, that's for damn sure, as my MIDNIGHT SHOWING was pretty much sold out. People love this kind of broad-based, mass-appealing, semi-raunchy comedy these days. It won't be number one because Megamind gets the families, but it's going to be strong, mark my words. As for that latter film, I will also file that one under "meh." Wake me when Dreamworks designs a different looking character. They all look the same. Anyway, onward and upward to some Box Office Haikus!

Here's how I see the weekend:

1.) Megamind - $60 million

The voices are great.
The animation? It ain't.
The verdict is meh.

2.) Due Date - $33 million

Galifianakis.
One name is a haiku line.
Just thought I'd mention.

3.) For Colored Girls - $22 million

It's Tyler Perry!
Directing, but not his script.
No name in title!!!!

4.) Saw 3D - $7.5 million

A one-week wonder,
this franchise now goes away.
Right? IT PROMISED US!!!

5.) Red - $7 million

Keep it up now, Bruce.
That sounded rather dirty.
I meant it that way.

WILDCARD - Paranormal Activity 2 - $7 million

Longer legs than Saw.
But that's because Saw sucks ass.
My last Saw joke? Please!!!!

Okay, that's it until I return with a review for your faces. Enjoy your weekends!

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Weekend Box Office Results: With a whimper...

Yes, this weekend does end with a whimper and not a bang. And that whimper isn't just coming from me. It's the wheeze that represents the death-breath of Saw, a franchise that just lived so far beyond the life it should have had that even 3D-ing it could only reanimate it's corpse ever so slightly. Here's hoping we're done with that franchise...so everybody say hi to the second-place film, Paranormal Activity 2, which has now made $65 million collectively on a $3 million budget. I'm sure we won't be seeing one of THOSE every year now that Saw is leaving. May God have mercy on our box-office souls.

Here's this weekend's wrap-up, haiku style:

1.) Saw 3D - $24 million (Accuracy of prediction - 95.5%)

This is Saw 7
but they left that number out.
Maybe they can't count?

2.) Paranormal Activity 2 - $16.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 89%)

A tiny budget
and zero big-name actors
means big-ass profits.

3.) Red - $11 million (Accuracy of prediction - 81%)

This is holding great!
Mostly because it is fun.
And for old people.

4.) Jackass 3D - $8.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 87%)

Poop jokes are ending.
Nut shots are moving along.
We'll miss you, Jackass.

5.) Hereafter - $6.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 88.5%)

It's an Eastwood flop!
Can we hold him in check now?
His last few sucked ass.

Overall Accuracy of Prediction - 88%

Forgettable week.
That's not good, life is too short.
Viva la MONDAY!!!????

Okay, that's it, gang. Go be productive. I'm going to try not to hurl and count down the minutes before I get back in bed.

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Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

I'm just going to get right to it because I really don't have that many deep thoughts this weekend. One crappy new movie comes out, that will be number one. Other than that, you enjoy the last nice weekend of weather, have yourself some trick-or-treating shenanigans, and generally frolic and be merry. K?

Here's the box office prediction haikus all the kids love these days.

1.) Saw 3D - $26 million

This is the sixth Saw.
So why not call it Saw 6?
Those guys can't count good.

2.) Paranormal Activity 2 - $20 million

Look! Now you see it,
now you don't...or now you won't.
In which case, nice call.

3.) Jackass 3D - $9 million

One day, we'll look back
and we'll ask why everything
was in damn 3D.

4.) Red - $9 million

Old people need love,
or at least movies to see.
That explains this one.

5.) Hereafter - $8 million

This one is scary.
Not in terms of on-screen stuff,
just scary boring.

WILDCARD - The Social Network - $6 million

Soon this will be gone,
but it's legacy remains!
See you Oscar night!

That's it. You have a blast this weekend. Figuratively, no more explosives for you.

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Weekend Box Office Results: Holy crap did you like Paranormal Activity 2

Well, I can safely say no one saw THIS coming. In a move that ensures we will be watching new low-budget Paranormal Activity movies for at least another few installments, America turned out in droves for the sequel to a film that I honestly can't believe ever got screened in the first place. Also, Red held well, Hereafter is not long for this world, and Jackass 3D plummeted but is still on pace for the $100 million club. Let's take a closer, mathematical look, shall we?

Haikus ahoy!

1.) Paranormal Activity 2 - $41.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 86.5%)

You know what this means?
Just as Saw is closing up,
this will take its place.

2.) Jackass 3D - $21.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 96.5%)

So, how many times,
can you watch poo and vomit
in the theater?

3.) Red - $15 million (Accuracy of prediction - 93%)

This was a nice hold
for folks losing hair and teeth.
Get it? They are old.

4.) Hereafter - $12 million (Accuracy of prediction - 100%)

Eastwood thinks on death.
That's really not surprising.
He just shouldn't share.

5.) The Social Network - $7.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 96.5%)

People still click like
on the flick with a great script
and no good women.

Overall Accuracy of Prediction - 94.5%

Perhaps my best week.
That's not saying all that much,
But I will take it.

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Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

Get ready for fun and excitement at the box office this weekend. And by fun and excitement I mean movies involving scary, undead people and other movies that don't involve Clint Eastwood. Get it? Cause he's old. And scary. And I don't really like his movies that much. Anyway, we've got us a sequel to a horror movie, that comes the week before a sequel to a horror movie, and Matt Damon doing a Whoopie Goldberg impression (I mean talking to dead people, not storming off the set of "The View"). I'm not quite Reganing it this week like Jack on "30 Rock," but I am really being productive, so let's stop with the jibber jabber and get to some haikus.

Here's what's gonna happen, fools.

1.) Paranormal Activity 2 - $30 million

More low-budget fun,
with night vision camera work.
And zero Paris.

2.) Jackass 3D - $20 million

This will drop off big,
but it already won huge.
The rest is gravy.

3.) Red - $13 million

I hope this holds well,
because I love Miss Parker,
and violence as well.

4.) Hereafter - $12 million

More boring Eastwood.
It's full of heaven cliches
if that is your thing.

5.) The Social Network - $8 million

Still respectable,
this comes back near Oscar time.
Should win some statues.

WILDCARD - Secretariat - $7 million

Go away dumb horse.
This should not do well at all.
It is really bad.

Okay, that's it gang. Have a great weekend, see you on Monday!

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