Fearless, flawless box office predictions

I wonder what's going to be number one at the box office this weekend? You know, they should really just run the damn Twilight movie for two weeks and put it on DVD. EVERYONE who wants to see it is going to see it right away and then the audience is going to dry up faster than...there's just no good way to end that metaphor. Anyway, people are projecting more than $100 million this weekend, which won't happen. The midnight showings will set records, Friday will likely be a record, and then it will sharply drop as everyone who wants to see it will have seen it. I'm not looking forward to like 5 weeks of having to make poetry about Twilight, but them's the breaks. Let's get round one over with. Also, let's all agree not to call it the "Twilight Saga." It's not important enough to get a saga, it can only get a sag.

Here's how I see it (haiku style):

1.) Twilight: New Moon - $93 million

Vampire love is back
You women deserve better
It makes my eyes bleed.

2.) 2012 - $25 million

No plot. No story.
No characterization.
Better than Twilight.

3.) The Blind Side - $16 million

Oh, Sandra Bullock,
That's not a southern accent.
That's Foghorn Leghorn.

4.) A Christmas Carol - $15.5 million

What's next for Carrey?
Another Christmas movie?
Why not. No one cares.

5.) Planet 51 - $15 million

Barely heard of this
and I'm a huge movie nerd.
That doesn't bode well.

WILDCARD - Precious - $8.5 million

This is not a sprint
It's a marathon release
It will keep going.

That's it this week, gang. Have a good, restful weekend. I know I need one!

Weekend Box Office Results: Earth and box office destroyed

Wow. I knew that people loved disaster effects, but I had NO IDEA they loved them this much. I think that 2012's success is also a sign that there hadn't been anything to energize the box office in quite awhile. Oh, sure, there was Paranormal Activity, but horror is a niche genre. I'm just saying, at some point studios are going to at least try dropping a big movie in, say, the middle of October. Mark my words. Anyway, you didn't come here for idle conjecture, you came here for Haikus. Let's do it.

Here are the results:

1.) 2012 - $65 million (Accuracy of prediction - 92%)

Sure, it won this week
how will it fare with Twilight.
Now THAT'S disaster.

2.) A Christmas Carol - $22 million (Accuracy of prediction - 88%)

I still don't get it.
This film has zero appeal.
But it's here to stay.

3.) The Men Who Stare at Goats - $6.2 million (Accuracy of prediction - 83%)

This will now fade fast.
We'll barely remember it.
Clooney's minor work.

4.) Precious - $6 million (Accuracy of prediction - 90%)

This is quite shocking.
The buzz here is enormous.
I smell an Oscar.

5.) This is It! -$5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 55%)

I can't believe it!
The day is finally here!
This IS it! Hooray!

Overall accuracy of prediction - 81.6%

I don't know what's good
as far as accuracy.
Am I good at this?

That's it, gang. Happy Monday.

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

You jerks have voted in small quantities on the Twilight issue and have resoundingly voiced an opinion for me to review the films. Thus, I will do just that. I can't promise an exact time frame (I'm thinking sometime in 2060), but it will happen. Okay, it won't be decades, it will likely be sometime in December (sorry, but I do have to actually review movies I get paid for reviewing before causing myself harm for your amusement). I will likely organize a gathering of people who like the film and loathe the film to give myself the appropriate audience. I cannot promise fairness.

Anyway, I'm reminded of this impending disaster because this week brings us 2012, the mother of all KABOOM movies. Roger Ebert gave the damn thing 3 and a half stars because it was a perfect version of what it promised to be, so I look forward to taking my wife (who has an odd lust for disaster films) to go see the world end. How much money will the durn thing do? Let's see.

Here's how I see it (haiku style):

1.) 2012 - $55 million

The Mayans were smart.
This movie likely is not.
I hope both are wrong.

2.) A Christmas Carol - $17 million

This isn't a flop,
nor can it be called a hit.
I guess it's a flit.

3.) This Is It - $7.5 million

They just keep lying.
They promised a two week run.
WHEN WILL IT BE GONE?!?!?!

4.) The Men Who Stare At Goats - $7 million

A strong first weekend
for an odd little movie
that we'll all forget.

5.) The Fourth Kind - $6.5 million

The time is now, gang.
Demand MORE Fifth Element!
We can do this, folks.

WILDCARD - Precious - $6 million

I can't make jokes here.
This film is too serious.
I hope it does well.

That's it, folks, have a good weekend!