Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

You know, even though I was busy scampering around the countryside of Decatur, Nebraska last Friday, gathering wood to help heat my father-in-law's house (yep, for real), my heart was wondering what my haikus might have looked like for the week. I pondered whether people were sitting in front of their computers, crying and gnashing their teeth, begging for some glimpse into the future, demanding pithy comments about whether or not Twilight would continue it's domination. That daydreaming ended when I dropped a giant log on my knee. It hurt less than watching Twilight (zing!).

Here are this week's predictions (haiku style, yo):

1.) The Blind Side - $21 million

Sandra's biggest yet!
We all know the real hero:
Mr. Tim McGraw.

2.) Twilight: New Moon - $18 million

Let's face some facts, gang.
Nobody cares what I think,
with money like this.

3.) Armored - $10 million

I will not see this.
But armadillo jokes rule.
Get it? It's "armored."

4.) 2012 - $8 million

The world ends like this.
Not as is seen IN the film,
but because of it.

5.) Old Dogs - $7.5 million

Best. Review. Ever.
Quote: If this was a person,
then I would stab it.

WILDCARD - Brothers - $7 million

Oh, no, Natalie.
I love you so much, but...why?
Why did you do this?

Okay gang, that's it. Enjoy holiday shopping madness and maybe a little sleep mixed in (not for me, but you know, maybe for you).

Weekend Box Office Results: Twilight - 2, Humanity - 0

Wow, I knew that it would be big...I had no idea it would be THIS big. Posting a record opening day (more than $70 million), the business did dramatically drop off (so it didn't beat Batman's opening total take). Still, New Moon proved that this series is going to be one of the most profitable ever. This is a good and bad thing: Good because I do like the studio Summit for the most part (other than that whole ram-rodding Catherine Hardwicke thing); bad because that's what the movies are. At least it will take the record of least-deserving-top-grossing franchise away from the Star Wars prequels. Oh, quick programming note: Today, tomorrow, and Wednesday will be regularly blogged...I'm out Thursday and Friday. You'll live.

Here's the results (haiku style):

1.) Twilight New Moon - $140.7 million (Accuracy of prediction - 83%)

There's no stopping this.
Well, maybe spreading rumors?
It gives you herpes!!

2.) The Blind Side - $34.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 63%)

Holy crap, Sandra!
This is a huge year for you!
Enjoy it....FOR NOW!!!!

3.) 2012 - $26.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 87%)

It's a hit for John!
Not that he's the main star here.
The main star is death.

4.) Planet 51 - $12.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 82%)

I will forget this
As soon as the week is out
What was I saying?

5.) A Christmas Carol - $12 million (Accuracy of prediction - 75%)

This is fading fast
Scrooge has no staying power.
A Viagra ad?

Overall accuracy of prediction - 78%

This was a down week
And not just thanks to Twilight
Although it does suck.

That's it for Monday, happy short week everybody!

Fearless, flawless box office predictions

I wonder what's going to be number one at the box office this weekend? You know, they should really just run the damn Twilight movie for two weeks and put it on DVD. EVERYONE who wants to see it is going to see it right away and then the audience is going to dry up faster than...there's just no good way to end that metaphor. Anyway, people are projecting more than $100 million this weekend, which won't happen. The midnight showings will set records, Friday will likely be a record, and then it will sharply drop as everyone who wants to see it will have seen it. I'm not looking forward to like 5 weeks of having to make poetry about Twilight, but them's the breaks. Let's get round one over with. Also, let's all agree not to call it the "Twilight Saga." It's not important enough to get a saga, it can only get a sag.

Here's how I see it (haiku style):

1.) Twilight: New Moon - $93 million

Vampire love is back
You women deserve better
It makes my eyes bleed.

2.) 2012 - $25 million

No plot. No story.
No characterization.
Better than Twilight.

3.) The Blind Side - $16 million

Oh, Sandra Bullock,
That's not a southern accent.
That's Foghorn Leghorn.

4.) A Christmas Carol - $15.5 million

What's next for Carrey?
Another Christmas movie?
Why not. No one cares.

5.) Planet 51 - $15 million

Barely heard of this
and I'm a huge movie nerd.
That doesn't bode well.

WILDCARD - Precious - $8.5 million

This is not a sprint
It's a marathon release
It will keep going.

That's it this week, gang. Have a good, restful weekend. I know I need one!

Weekend Box Office Results: Earth and box office destroyed

Wow. I knew that people loved disaster effects, but I had NO IDEA they loved them this much. I think that 2012's success is also a sign that there hadn't been anything to energize the box office in quite awhile. Oh, sure, there was Paranormal Activity, but horror is a niche genre. I'm just saying, at some point studios are going to at least try dropping a big movie in, say, the middle of October. Mark my words. Anyway, you didn't come here for idle conjecture, you came here for Haikus. Let's do it.

Here are the results:

1.) 2012 - $65 million (Accuracy of prediction - 92%)

Sure, it won this week
how will it fare with Twilight.
Now THAT'S disaster.

2.) A Christmas Carol - $22 million (Accuracy of prediction - 88%)

I still don't get it.
This film has zero appeal.
But it's here to stay.

3.) The Men Who Stare at Goats - $6.2 million (Accuracy of prediction - 83%)

This will now fade fast.
We'll barely remember it.
Clooney's minor work.

4.) Precious - $6 million (Accuracy of prediction - 90%)

This is quite shocking.
The buzz here is enormous.
I smell an Oscar.

5.) This is It! -$5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 55%)

I can't believe it!
The day is finally here!
This IS it! Hooray!

Overall accuracy of prediction - 81.6%

I don't know what's good
as far as accuracy.
Am I good at this?

That's it, gang. Happy Monday.

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

You jerks have voted in small quantities on the Twilight issue and have resoundingly voiced an opinion for me to review the films. Thus, I will do just that. I can't promise an exact time frame (I'm thinking sometime in 2060), but it will happen. Okay, it won't be decades, it will likely be sometime in December (sorry, but I do have to actually review movies I get paid for reviewing before causing myself harm for your amusement). I will likely organize a gathering of people who like the film and loathe the film to give myself the appropriate audience. I cannot promise fairness.

Anyway, I'm reminded of this impending disaster because this week brings us 2012, the mother of all KABOOM movies. Roger Ebert gave the damn thing 3 and a half stars because it was a perfect version of what it promised to be, so I look forward to taking my wife (who has an odd lust for disaster films) to go see the world end. How much money will the durn thing do? Let's see.

Here's how I see it (haiku style):

1.) 2012 - $55 million

The Mayans were smart.
This movie likely is not.
I hope both are wrong.

2.) A Christmas Carol - $17 million

This isn't a flop,
nor can it be called a hit.
I guess it's a flit.

3.) This Is It - $7.5 million

They just keep lying.
They promised a two week run.
WHEN WILL IT BE GONE?!?!?!

4.) The Men Who Stare At Goats - $7 million

A strong first weekend
for an odd little movie
that we'll all forget.

5.) The Fourth Kind - $6.5 million

The time is now, gang.
Demand MORE Fifth Element!
We can do this, folks.

WILDCARD - Precious - $6 million

I can't make jokes here.
This film is too serious.
I hope it does well.

That's it, folks, have a good weekend!

Ryan's Junk Drawer

I like this image because it's kind of creepy. This guy apparently keeps a mouse tail, a tube of what appears to be "love rocket lightning," a screw, Canadian money, and a snakeskin in his junk drawer. Creepier still, I got this from "Highlights" magazine. There was a poem that went with it, but any poem that doesn't have a line ending with "izzle" is dead to me (unless it's written in haiku form, which we all know to be the superior poetic formula). I'm going to use this image to introduce my junk (the top 5 non-big stories of the week) until I'm legally forced to stop.

Here's the top 5 non-big stories (aka, MY JUNK!)

1.) Red just got red hot - Why do I follow phenomenal comic writer @warrenellis on twitter? I don't know, because he delivers tweets like this: "I have 149,935 followers. The 150,000th must kill someone of my choosing or I will murder their family." That's good stuff. Ellis writes a shitpile of comics, some very good, some just weird. "Red" is one I haven't...ahem...READ yet, but I fully intend to. Back in April, Morgan Freeman and Bruce Willis were joined in this tale of a CIA operative who is "too old for this shit," quits, and of course "knows too much" and thus gets people trying to kill him. Willis is the old CIA man, Freeman is presumably the bad guy, Helen Mirren has just joined (fingers crossed as the sexy-time love interest...I kid...unless you're into that), and the real exciting news just dropped this week. Apparently, John C. Reilly has joined up...and Willis got his real love interest (no, not Reilly...unless you're into that): this gal.

There were any number of photos of the lovely miss Mary Louise Parker that I could have chosen from in various states of undress, but I think this best proves why she must have made a deal with the devil to be so thoroughly beguiling at 45. LOOK AT THAT WOMAN. The beauty is she's somewhat age-appropriate for Willis's character BUT she still looks like a young hottie, so it satisfies Hollywood's hatred for aged women (other than Helen Mirren, Judy Dench, and Meryl Streep). Spy movie? Written by a comic nerd? With John C. Reilly? AND Mary Louise Parker? Red just shot to the top of my hominhominahomina-gots-to-see-this-NOW list.

2.) So, you're saying you think a Depp/Jolie movie will make money? - I have always admired Johnny Depp for not taking the easy way out. After his "21 Jump Street" introduction, he quickly went batshit insane, taking on roles in a John Waters movie and becoming Tim Burton's muse. Until Pirates, he was a leading man without a signature role or huge franchise hit. I didn't mind that Pirates became all PIRATES but now it looks like he's gotten a taste of the big-time bug and doesn't want to let go. According to Variety, Depp will be taking over for Sam "How the f**k did I get famous" Worthington in The Tourist, a movie about an average tourist who gets convinced to help the government track down an ex who is a major criminal...the criminal in this case being Jolie. It kind of sounds like every other Angelina Jolie movie, and Depp will probably want to play the tourist with a prosthetic leg and a lisp, but to be honest it sounds so commercial I'm shocked Depp is involved. I really hope we aren't losing one of the good ones to the path of least resistance. Also, to show I'm an equal time fella, here's a picture of Johnny Depp (albeit one in which he looks like the guy working at Starbucks who will give you your goddamn latte but resent you whilst doing it).

3.) Direct-to-TV sequel? - I kind of want to see 2012. I know it's going to be total crap story-wise, but you're talking to one half of a husband and wife team who have viewed The Day After Tomorrow about 3 times on FX after seeing it in the theater and not liking it. I haven't truly enjoyed the movie during any of my 4-5 times watching it...so that must say something about crapmaster Roland Emmerich's ability to make watchable bullshit (and about my wife's and my obsession about apocalyptic disasters). Entertainment Weekly is reporting that Emmerich is pimping "2013," a TV series that would be set after the events of 2012. I know, you were hoping for a series that explored what happened if you added 113 to 1900, but you'll have to wait. Sure, this kind of reveals that the Earth doesn't implode in 2012, but so long as it doesn't end with John Cusack facing down some of the worst computer-generated wolves of all time like Day After Tomorrow, I'm okay knowing that humanity survives. Again, I'm torn. I know that Emmerich makes crap, but I watched every episode of the poorly acted "Jericho" because I was so obsessed with post-apocalyptic scenarios. Damn you, Emmerich for putting me in this position. And now, to make myself feel better (and because I mentioned John Cusack above), here's a squirrel holding an invisible boombox above his head.

4.) Angelina Jolie tastes like familiar Salt - I like that we have a female action star, I just kind of wish it wasn't Angelina Jolie. First off, I don't buy that she's able to fling her 87-pound body around with any force. "Oh no, she hit me with all the inertia of a wet noodle." I mean, when Jennifer Garner was throwin' 'bows in "Alias," I bought it. Jolie, not so much. Plus, all of her stuff is starting to look the same. Watch the trailer for Salt, which was rewritten by Kurt Wimmer (the guy who rocked Equilibrium and then farted out Ultraviolet), and tell me it doesn't look exactly like Wanted and Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Jolie's a good actress...so maybe more of the acting should happen now.



5.) Dick Cheney's dream of a white Middle East is realized! - I don't know why no one is able to find a single Middle Eastern actor or actress to appear in Prince of Persia: Sands of Time. I also don't know why the first movie in a potential series can't just be titled Prince of Persia. Why we're at it, I don't know why Jake Gyllenhaal has a British accent for his role as a Persian prince...or why Gemma Arterton (who is totally hotsies, don't get me wrong) is the female lead when there are plenty of beautiful Middle Eastern ladies available...or why Ben Kingsley is the bad Persian guy...or why this trailer confuses me so much when I played the entire game it's based on...or why they decided to give Arterton, who nobody knows, the entire voiceover for the trailer...and why SHE speaks in a British accent. So, this appears to be a movie in which white people pretend to be Persian and a lot of computer effects happen. I want this to be fun but boy does it look like a hot white-Persian mess right now.

Bring back what's-his-name

Sigh, another slow news day. So let me catch you up on "the plan." I will be slaving away on my Where the Wild Things Are review so that you can read all about it prior to its release this Friday (spoiler alert: see the damn thing like 100 times). So this will be the last little news nugget I give you before diving into that. People are buzzing because someone asked Roland Emmerich (currently pimping his latest world destroying opus, 2012, which we can only hope features another climactic showdown with CGI wolves) about why there was never an Independence Day sequel. I always thought the answer was that they ran out of other sci-fi movies to rip off, but apparently it has to do with money and who is or is not willing to take a cut of the back end and blah, blah, blah. Here's what I'm worried about: how could you possibly do a sequel to the film without this guy?


I mean, without him, there's no way you even contemplate a sequel. I'm of course talking about Harry Connick Jr in his iconic role of "buddy who gets blow'd up." Now, I know that there's got to be some way to use alien space magic to bring back this classic character of American cinema. Surely the aliens teleported him out just before he 'sploded. I'm just spitballing here. For the record, the real holdup is Smith saying he needed more money, but let's all just be grateful that things are likely never going to move forward because (A) I don't need to see a movie where Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum go to an alien planet and stop their civilization using AOL dial-up and (B) moving forward without Connick Jr would be wrong...so very wrong.