Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

Folks, I'm about to go on vacation for like 2 weeks. I wouldn't be more excited if the Bears were still in playoff contention...okay, yes I would. Point is, I'll keep on blogging as often as possible, but the times are going to be irregular from here on out. Not that you care, but I do. I am so happy. Happy, happy, happy. Thus, the box office prediction haikus may not be as bitter this week! Yay.

Here is how I see the weekend shaking out (haiku style):

1.) Avatar - $79 million

Warrior smurf time!
3D effects should be great...
but not the writing.

2.) The Princess and the Frog - $19 million

Enchanting for kids
Entertaining for adults
I loved this movie.

3.) The Blind Side - $13 million

Oh, Sandra Bullock,
a DOUBLE Golden Glober.
Who would have thought it?

4.) Did You Hear About the Morgans? - $12 million

Bad choice of title.
It gives me too many jokes.
Like "Yes, and they suck."

5.) Invictus - $7 million

No award love here?
If it can't score Golden Globes,
it WON'T score Oscars.

WILDCARD - A Christmas Carol - $7 million

It just keeps going.
The "hit" I tend to forget.
It will be gone soon.

Okay, that's it folks. I could not be more excited for a Friday. Good luck out there shopping, and I'll catch you later.

Weekend Box Office Results: My dead heart feels joy

I've had a rough few weeks for being chipper. Between car troubles, a schedule that has prevented Christmas preparation, and now a plumbing leak, I'm ready to off Cindy Lou Who with a hatchet. Yet, it brings my cold, dead Heston-esque heart joy to see that The Princess and the Frog is the number one movie this week. How pleasing that a sweet, hand-drawn tale claimed the crown (and will hopefully keep raking in money). Why, it's enough to make one want to pen poetry.

Here are the results (haiku style):

1.) The Princess and the Frog - $25 million (Accuracy of prediction - 80%)

This is a classic,
for once Disney didn't err
when it came to race!

2.) The Blind Side - $15 million (Accuracy of prediction - 90%)

You can't stop Sandra.
You can only contain her.
This is her world now.

3.) Invictus - $9 million (Accuracy of prediction - 65%)

Nelson Mandela?
Clint Eastwood and Matt Damon?
How is this not first?

4.) Twilight: New Moon - $8 million (Accuracy of prediction - 94%)

Last week...THE LAST WEEK!
I will suffer no longer.
Be gone vile movie.

5.) A Christmas Carol - $6.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 96%)

It just keeps going.
I'll never be free of this.
But it's not New Moon!!!!

Overall Accuracy of Prediction - 85%

Not a bad outing.
I oft overestimate.
I'm an optimist.

Okay, that's it, I'm off to fix leaks and cry.

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

If there's a skip in my step and a wiggle in my waggle, it's only because this is probably the last week Twilight: New Moon will be haiku captured. That's right, as of next week, we return to 100% angstwolf/bipolarvamp free coverage...can I get an AMEN? This week also sees the return of Disney's hand-drawn animation and Morgan Freeman as Nelson Mandela. It's about as inspiring a weekend as ever has been seen. Rejoice, movie fans, the time is now for awesome!

Here's how I see it, haiku style:

1.) The Princess and the Frog - $35 million

Ah, my youth RETURNS!
Goofy songs, hand-drawn cartoons...
I am so happy.

2.) Invictus - $18 million

Hey, Morgan Freeman,
be like Nelson Mandela,
in your REAL life, too.

3.) The Blind Side - $15 million

This is a monster.
It may make 200 mil
Suck on that, Twilight.

4.) Twilight: New Moon - $7 million

For now, it leaves us.
But the series is not done.
Oh, it will return.

5.) A Christmas Carol - $6 million

This movie lingers,
like unwanted Christmas guests.
It's time to go home.

WILDCARD - Brothers - $5.5 million

I love Natalie.
She is everywhere right now.
It's still not enough.

That's it gang. Have a good weekend!

More Muppets is more better

After my wife and I watched The Muppets Christmas Carol a few days ago, I decided that the absence of the felt-covered hands from our popular culture is downright inexcusable. They have so much to teach us. So. Much. To. Teach. Us. Not only are the frakkin' adorable, but they are hilarious in all the right ways. So, when I saw today that there's a new viral Muppet video out there, it became my solemn duty to expose it to the world.



Although not as insanely uproarious as the Queen music video, this one is substantially more full of Christmas goodness and focuses on about 4 of my top 5 favorite Muppets (Stadler, Waldorf, Beeker, and Animal). Good people, it is our duty to restore these creatures to their rightful place at the right hand of popular culture. We must not dilly dally whilst their genius remains deterred. Shout it from the rooftops, yell it from the hills....THE MUPPETS HAVE RETURNED TO SAVE US ALL!

Weekend Box Office Results: The reign of terror is finally over

We live in a new world today, my bloggies. If you feel like you're no longer weighed down by an invisible but incredibly obese squirrel perched on your shoulder, that's because Twilight: New Moon is no longer the number one movie in America. How bad is this franchise? I'm excited that a movie in which Sandra Bullock's Southern accent sounds like a grade-school paste eater trying to pronounce "broccoli" with rocks in his mouth is now number one.

Rejoice with me as the ancients did...with haiku:

1.) The Blind Side - $20 million (Accuracy of prediction - 98%)

Some facts are just facts.
This is Sandra Bullock's world.
We just live in it.

2.) Twilight: New Moon - $15 million (Accuracy of prediction - 90%)

Dropping like a rock,
this reign of terror is done.
But, yes, it still hurts.

3.) Brothers - $9.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 67%)

Better than I thought.
Why did I doubt Natalie?
Can you forgive me?

4.) A Christmas Carol - $8 million (Accuracy of prediction - 0%)

I say BAH HUMBUG!
The Muppet take is better.
Michael Caine's Scrooge rules.

5.) Old Dogs - $7 million (Accuracy of prediction - 95%)

We're one week closer
to forgetting this exists.
I can't wait for that.

Overall accuracy of prediction - 70%

If Santa's watching,
yes, this result was naughty.
It wasn't my fault.

Weekend Box Office Results: Twilight - 2, Humanity - 0

Wow, I knew that it would be big...I had no idea it would be THIS big. Posting a record opening day (more than $70 million), the business did dramatically drop off (so it didn't beat Batman's opening total take). Still, New Moon proved that this series is going to be one of the most profitable ever. This is a good and bad thing: Good because I do like the studio Summit for the most part (other than that whole ram-rodding Catherine Hardwicke thing); bad because that's what the movies are. At least it will take the record of least-deserving-top-grossing franchise away from the Star Wars prequels. Oh, quick programming note: Today, tomorrow, and Wednesday will be regularly blogged...I'm out Thursday and Friday. You'll live.

Here's the results (haiku style):

1.) Twilight New Moon - $140.7 million (Accuracy of prediction - 83%)

There's no stopping this.
Well, maybe spreading rumors?
It gives you herpes!!

2.) The Blind Side - $34.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 63%)

Holy crap, Sandra!
This is a huge year for you!
Enjoy it....FOR NOW!!!!

3.) 2012 - $26.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 87%)

It's a hit for John!
Not that he's the main star here.
The main star is death.

4.) Planet 51 - $12.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 82%)

I will forget this
As soon as the week is out
What was I saying?

5.) A Christmas Carol - $12 million (Accuracy of prediction - 75%)

This is fading fast
Scrooge has no staying power.
A Viagra ad?

Overall accuracy of prediction - 78%

This was a down week
And not just thanks to Twilight
Although it does suck.

That's it for Monday, happy short week everybody!

Fearless, flawless box office predictions

I wonder what's going to be number one at the box office this weekend? You know, they should really just run the damn Twilight movie for two weeks and put it on DVD. EVERYONE who wants to see it is going to see it right away and then the audience is going to dry up faster than...there's just no good way to end that metaphor. Anyway, people are projecting more than $100 million this weekend, which won't happen. The midnight showings will set records, Friday will likely be a record, and then it will sharply drop as everyone who wants to see it will have seen it. I'm not looking forward to like 5 weeks of having to make poetry about Twilight, but them's the breaks. Let's get round one over with. Also, let's all agree not to call it the "Twilight Saga." It's not important enough to get a saga, it can only get a sag.

Here's how I see it (haiku style):

1.) Twilight: New Moon - $93 million

Vampire love is back
You women deserve better
It makes my eyes bleed.

2.) 2012 - $25 million

No plot. No story.
No characterization.
Better than Twilight.

3.) The Blind Side - $16 million

Oh, Sandra Bullock,
That's not a southern accent.
That's Foghorn Leghorn.

4.) A Christmas Carol - $15.5 million

What's next for Carrey?
Another Christmas movie?
Why not. No one cares.

5.) Planet 51 - $15 million

Barely heard of this
and I'm a huge movie nerd.
That doesn't bode well.

WILDCARD - Precious - $8.5 million

This is not a sprint
It's a marathon release
It will keep going.

That's it this week, gang. Have a good, restful weekend. I know I need one!

Weekend Box Office Results: Earth and box office destroyed

Wow. I knew that people loved disaster effects, but I had NO IDEA they loved them this much. I think that 2012's success is also a sign that there hadn't been anything to energize the box office in quite awhile. Oh, sure, there was Paranormal Activity, but horror is a niche genre. I'm just saying, at some point studios are going to at least try dropping a big movie in, say, the middle of October. Mark my words. Anyway, you didn't come here for idle conjecture, you came here for Haikus. Let's do it.

Here are the results:

1.) 2012 - $65 million (Accuracy of prediction - 92%)

Sure, it won this week
how will it fare with Twilight.
Now THAT'S disaster.

2.) A Christmas Carol - $22 million (Accuracy of prediction - 88%)

I still don't get it.
This film has zero appeal.
But it's here to stay.

3.) The Men Who Stare at Goats - $6.2 million (Accuracy of prediction - 83%)

This will now fade fast.
We'll barely remember it.
Clooney's minor work.

4.) Precious - $6 million (Accuracy of prediction - 90%)

This is quite shocking.
The buzz here is enormous.
I smell an Oscar.

5.) This is It! -$5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 55%)

I can't believe it!
The day is finally here!
This IS it! Hooray!

Overall accuracy of prediction - 81.6%

I don't know what's good
as far as accuracy.
Am I good at this?

That's it, gang. Happy Monday.

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

You jerks have voted in small quantities on the Twilight issue and have resoundingly voiced an opinion for me to review the films. Thus, I will do just that. I can't promise an exact time frame (I'm thinking sometime in 2060), but it will happen. Okay, it won't be decades, it will likely be sometime in December (sorry, but I do have to actually review movies I get paid for reviewing before causing myself harm for your amusement). I will likely organize a gathering of people who like the film and loathe the film to give myself the appropriate audience. I cannot promise fairness.

Anyway, I'm reminded of this impending disaster because this week brings us 2012, the mother of all KABOOM movies. Roger Ebert gave the damn thing 3 and a half stars because it was a perfect version of what it promised to be, so I look forward to taking my wife (who has an odd lust for disaster films) to go see the world end. How much money will the durn thing do? Let's see.

Here's how I see it (haiku style):

1.) 2012 - $55 million

The Mayans were smart.
This movie likely is not.
I hope both are wrong.

2.) A Christmas Carol - $17 million

This isn't a flop,
nor can it be called a hit.
I guess it's a flit.

3.) This Is It - $7.5 million

They just keep lying.
They promised a two week run.
WHEN WILL IT BE GONE?!?!?!

4.) The Men Who Stare At Goats - $7 million

A strong first weekend
for an odd little movie
that we'll all forget.

5.) The Fourth Kind - $6.5 million

The time is now, gang.
Demand MORE Fifth Element!
We can do this, folks.

WILDCARD - Precious - $6 million

I can't make jokes here.
This film is too serious.
I hope it does well.

That's it, folks, have a good weekend!

Weekend Box Office Results: It's official, nobody likes mo-cap

Here we are again, wondering why A Christmas Carol failed a little. Could it be November 6 is too early to celebrate Christmas (the fat man hasn't even waddled in the Macy's parade). Could it be that motion capture is still freaky and non-engaging, that it's not cuddly animation like CGI and not realistic (like, you know, with people)? Could it be that we've seen this story a bazillion-jillion times? Who knows. Point is, I am only a fan of motion-capture as a tool to compliment other animation, not unto itself. I loved Beowulf but I would have loved it more if it was mostly live-action. I don't get Robert Zemeckis's devotion to it and I never will. Maybe things change with Steven Spielberg's Tintin comes out...but probably not.

Here's the results (haiku style):

1.) A Christmas Carol - $31 million (Accuracy of prediction - 80.5%)

Motion capture sucks
There, I finally said it.
Can we move on now?

2.) This is It- $14 million (Accuracy of prediction - 83%)

Why is It still here?
Why will It not go away?
When is It over?

3.) The Men Who Stare At Goats - $13 million (Accuracy of prediction - 61%)

George Clooney is God.
How else do you explain this?
Large goat audience?

4.) The Fourth Kind - $12.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 94%)

Jovovich is hot.
Another Fifth Element?
And less of this stuff?

5.) Paranormal Activity - $8.5 (Accuracy of prediction - 100%)

$100 million
for a flick that cost 10 grand.
Now that's how it's done.

Overall accuracy of prediction - 85.7%

Not a bad total
Given the weird week it was.
Next week is Cusack's.

That's it gang. Happy Monday!

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

This week is going to be a rootin' tootin' slugfest...not at the top, but in the muck that is the middle. It's sort of like the Big 12 North, nobody seems to want to win, but somebody has to. This means I'm going to be putting forth my prognostication prowess with the full knowledge that I'm likely going to lose. To use another sports analogy, it's sort of like the College of Charleston playing Florida in college football...I have to try, but it will likely hurt and be embarrassing.

Here's how I see it (haiku style):

1.) A Christmas Carol - $43 million

I don't get these films.
Why not just use real people?
It kind of scares me.

2.) The Box - $15 million

I hope this does well.
Richard Kelly has talent.
Cameron Diaz don't.

3.) This is It - $12 million

Hold on...THIS is it?
You said that last week was IT.
When is IT over?

4.) The Fourth Kind - $11 million

This is the FOURTH kind?
Do the other three suck too?
That was not funny.

5.) Paranormal Activity - $8.5 million

This scary is out
making room for new scary:
Yep, the holidays.

WILDCARD: The Men Who Stare At Goats - $8 million

With farm animals
starring alongside Clooney
how can you go wrong?

That's it, have fun this weekend gang!

Toot toot time

Don't tell people who have to use this mode of transportation for commuting purposes daily, but trains are, dare I say it, cool. In fact, I would hasten to say that were I born a century ago, I would have been a train conductor. I have no real skills in that area, but as far as I can tell, the job involves wearing a wicked-sweet jumpsuit and making a giant beast of steel go "toot toot" sometimes. I can do that. I bring this up because this weekend (starting tomorrow actually, but if you don't consider Friday part of the weekend, you don't have a job) the Durham Museum in Omaha (at 801 South 10th Street) is hosting the "Disney's A Christmas Carol" Train Tour, which involves a 3D sneak peek at the new movie starring an animated version of Jim Carrey...so this is sort of like that Avatar preview only you don't have to worry about tickets or unrealistic blue human kangaroo thingies. Okay, you do have to worry about the somewhat creepy motion capture technology, but since the movie is based on a story that has ghosts and a bit of creep-i-tude associated with it, I'm down with that (it was harder to accept when I was supposed to LIKE Tom Hanks in The Polar Express, when the whole time I thought he was there to take my soul). The exhibit will show off four classic train cars and will also feature fake snow and live carolers because, you know, August 28 isn't too early to start thinking about what you're going to buy me for Christmas (hint: Blu-ray player, Batman: Arkham Asylum, and my own professional sports team). Admission is free (to the event, not admission to my heart, which will cost you a Blu-ray player and Batman: Arkham Asylum at least), so you have no excuse not to go down and get yer train on.