Thursday (but Friday for me, suckers) Free-For-All

Slightly more exciting than the Paul Haggis Myspace movie

Somewhere, Tom is crying. Aaron Sorkin, arguably the finest master of rapid-fire dialogue (though he'd fail any performance enhancing test), has a Facebook page, which is fine (other than the picture, which makes him look like he's posing in an ad for "Gap Douche"). What's odd is that he created it because he's writing a movie about the makers of Facebook. Really? A movie about the creation of Facebook? Were Nazis trying to prevent the makers from completing their task? No...okay, well, did they overcome some kind of social challenge? Like, are the makers two paraplegic lesbians who had to finish their creation before they went blind? Really, just a couple of nerds in college...hmm...well, what are you thinking for the action sequences? Some kind of ninja bursts in and....no, just a lot of typing, really? Don't get me wrong, I long ago made a pact to follow anything this guy does, explaining my fervor over "Studio 60" (a show I will still contend was unfairly blasted). Still, I hate, hate, hate, hate, hate movies that center around anything involving the computer and only mostly hate movies based on true stories (not a lot of surprises when a 3-year-old Wikipedia page contains all plot points). Godspeed, Mr. Sorkin. I do hope they're paying well.

Weekend battle plan: Even the guy who made the new Vin Diesel movie wouldn't see the new Vin Diesel movie.

I'm out and about this weekend, finally taking a little vacation (that's right, I'm taking a whole 4 days off in a row...we'll see if it takes). I'm gone Monday but, more important to the conversation at hand, I'm gone tomorrow. So, that means I have to dole out my weekend instructions early. I had a little help this week, as mentioned earlier, when the director of Babylon AD instructed everyone to stay away from Babylon AD. That still leaves a bunch of stuff that looks like it could be good...most of it isn't. Here's where we come in. College is a cheap American Pie rip off, which was a cheap Porky's rip off, which was actually a pretty good movie. What I'm trying to say is, when your film is unfavorably, compared to American Pie, your film sucks. Disaster Movie is the latest from the Scary, Epic, Superhero Movie gang. If you liked those films, you'll like this one (and if you make it to the theater wearing your pants in the right direction and without copious amounts of face-drool, I'm impressed). Hamlet 2 is, by all accounts hilarious, but if you're afraid of being rocked by Sexy Jesus, it's not for you. Traitor is, again by all accounts, a pretty taut little thriller featuring Guy Pearce and Don "The Real Deadle" Cheadle (I'm using that every time, Ben Coffman, every time). These two are incredible thespians (I said thespians, it's not that funny), and the film is getting mostly favorable buzz.

That's my recommendation: If you want the laughs, see Hamlet 2; if you want the thrills, see Traitor; if you want the eye-gonorrhea, see Babylon AD.

On DVD: It's the Democratic National Convention, in case you hadn't heard, and if you're in the mood for more political flavah, check out Chicago 10, a really unique documentary about the 1968 convention. It is full of animation, real audio, crazy narration, and is shockingly engaging. Getcher politics on.

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

I have zero chance of success this week. I'm just saying, there's NO WAY I get this right. I'll be lucky if these films just appear in theaters this weekend. Choosing the prettiest of these ugly ducklings is made worse by the fact that most won't have any chance at swan...none whatsoever. Wish me luck, here we go...these are over the 4-day holiday weekend by the way (not that this helps my odds):

1.) Disaster Movie - $15 million

I only picked this to go number one (hee-hee, I said "go number one") because I'm feeling jaded. With any other options, this shouldn't happen...I think it will.

2.) Babylon AD - $14 million

The director warns you, the star is so ashamed he won't appear in public, and yet this still has a shot at being the most seen film this weekend. I don't understand. Then again, who can resist a "girl carrying a parasite that could be the messiah?" Certainly me.

3.) Tropic Thunder - $13 million

Notice how close these predictions are, I can't even imagine which one will actually end up on top, only that whoever wins, we lose (that's right, I just stole the Aliens vs Predator tagline). Hopefully, this weekend puts this flick close to the $100 million mark, if only to avoid people calling it a failure.

4.) The Dark Knight - $12 million

This should take it over the $500 million mark, after which things should really slow down for it. Again, here's the only way it overtakes Titanic. First, it has to have a few nice small weeks (taking it to around $540 million by the time it leaves theaters). Then, Ledger and the film BOTH have to be nominated for Oscars AND have to WIN the Oscars, which will allow a re-release and MAYBE enough to win. That's the only way to get Cameron's crown...well, that or a shiv.

5.) The House Bunny - $7.5 million

I don't get it. I really don't.

Quick clips for Wednesday August 27

In a slow news week, a press release about Burning Palms will get noticed

I normally wouldn't care about what Christopher Landon, who wrote Disturbia (which, I imagine, consisted of watching Rear Window while reading "Tiger Beat"), is doing with his time (unless he was saving dolphin babies or something). But here, in what has been the single slowest week of movie news in recent memory, word that he will be making his directorial debut with Burning Palms gets noticed...if for no other reason than the copious amounts of masturbatory jokes that can be made. Variety's description of the film is as follows: "What's described as a subversive tale interlaces five stories set in Los Angeles, where no taboo is left unexplored as each character careens toward a dark and often comic fate." Too...many...jokes. Here are a few:
This will set up the sequel: Going Blind.

1. Subversive in Los Angeles? Let me know when subversion hits Milwaukee.
2. Really, no taboo is left unexplored? I really look forward to the provocative scenes that involve tofu, lemurs, and someone's great aunt. No lie, if every taboo is explored, I'm guessing this film won't be released for human eyes.
3. Why is it that the things that happen in life are never both dark and comic. I don't remember the last time I was covered in blood and laughing.

Fine, let's get this documentary crap over with

The first stage of Oscar is already upon us, as The Academy (I love saying that, it sounds like a maniacal, handle-bar mustachioed group of evildoers from a 1950s Batman comic) mandates that the submissions for Best Short Documentary and Best Feature-Length Documentary be received by Tuesday, September 2nd. I would say that I have no idea why these films must be submitted so far before the other nominees, but I know both reasons (the real and the one that I like to believe. The first reason (the real one) is because they need to have ample time to ensure that the voting members actually watch the films (yes, apparently even professional filmmakers would rather see Disaster Movie than a good documentary). The second reason (the one I choose to believe) is because it takes extra time to make sure that you ignore the best documentaries and arbitrary rules help allow this to happen. Think I'm kidding, here's the stipulation for the docs: "To be eligible, docs must have completed a week-long commercial run in at least one theater in both Los Angeles County and Manhattan between Sept. 1, 2007 and Aug. 31, 2008. Besides the completed entry form, each entry should be accompanied by an English-language synopsis of the film, a list of film credits, filmographies of the director and/or producer(s), 25 DVD copies of the film and proof of a 7-day long run." Not mentioned in this official list of demands are the real qualifications: "In order to be nominated, your film need not be good so much as it must generate buzz. Consider using ex-presidential candidates, cute wobbly animals, or anything involving the Holocaust. Also, there's no assurance we're actually going to get through these things, so if you want to slip some cash in the DVDs, that couldn't hurt." Here's hoping that things go right this year, but if I had a giant magic 8 ball to shake, it would tell me "Not effing likely." My magic 8 ball is sassy.

I've always wanted more schnitzel in my "Office"

Thanks to Aintitcoolnews.com and Variety for pointing me to the weirdest news item of the day, at least for German Steve Carrell enthusiasts. There are tons of "Office" incarnations around the globe, but the most interesting may be "Stromberg." The German version is so popular that it is becoming an actual movie over there. Again, nobody here is trying to argue that any of this is newsworthy. However, it does give me the chance to post these: two clips from the show.

Now, the fun part: guessing what characters match up to our versions of the characters and trying to understand if the joke in the first clip was actually a Hitler joke. Plus, you can see where this version seems even more depressing and sad than our version...oh, and in the second clip, the girl on the right actually looks like Jenna Fisher. Yes, I'm bored. Yes, I ran a news clip of the German "Office." No, I don't care.

Quick clips for Tuesday August 26

Babylon AD loses 8 of the 24 dollars it was going to make

Sometimes directors and studios don't see eye-to-eye. One wants an artistic vision, the other is more concerned about bankability and box office. Usually, these squabbles are backroom chatter, nothing more than rumors about discontent...then you have Matthieu Kassovitz, director of the upcoming Vin Diesel film Babylon AD, who spoke with the AMCTV blog.

"I'm very unhappy with the film...I never had a chance to do one scene the way it was written or the way I wanted it to be. The script wasn't respected. Bad producers, bad partners, it was a terrible experience."

Ouch. Part of the battle was about the rating and the length...though I'm guessing the subject matter would have been an issue too (the plot involves Diesel as a mercenary transporting a girl across a postapocalyptic Russia to get to China because she has a parasite inside of her that a cult wants to clone to make a new Jesus). Kassovitz claims that Fox axed 15 minutes out that were key to the film, although I'm guessing there isn't a run-time that would make any of this seem sensible to me. Anything else to say, Kassovitz?

"I should have chosen a studio that has guts."

Well, why not share this with them?

"I'm ready to go to war against them, but I can't because they don't give a shit."

Ooookay. I know I'm always making the funny, but not one of those quotes was made up. Seriously.

At least we know that Abbott and Costello's first baseman succeeded in life

I'm not a huge fan of "Dr. Who," the quirky British sci-fi character who dresses like a flasher and hangs out in a telephone booth...like a flasher. I've caught an episode or two over the years and was oddly captivated, but more in that "what in the name of crumpets and tea is going on here...and why is everyone so afraid of those ridiculous robot things?" Still, I know at least a few people who will be excited by the first rumor of a big-screen jaunt. The Hollywood Reporter...reports (I didn't even put up a fight on that one) that showrunner Steven Moffat remarked "It would be good to see it in the cinema so long as it is great and fantastic. I'm not against it..." Many, many thoughts spring to mind. First, cinema is what they call "goin' to da movies" in Limeyville; second, I appreciate the concern about quality but specifying "great" and "fantastic," well I think someone's just being a demanding pants (if you just get one of those, you're better than 90% of US TV-to-movie adaptations); and third, apparently saying "I'm not against it" is now newsworthy, according to The Hollywood Reporter. A non-denial of somewhat being interested in possibly adapting a TV show...that's what counts as news this week.

This has nothing to do with that reality show about the skank, right?

Paris, Je Teme was a delightful little flick featuring tons of itty-bitty films (including one by Alexander Payne. This endeavor was successful enough that they're trying it again with New York, I Love You. There's no real plot to summarize as all of the individual films just have something to do with The Big Apple (by the by, how did the coolest city get such a lame nickname? I'm sure I could wikipedia it, but I'm just amazed that the city doesn't live in perpetual envy of "The Big Easy" or "The Windy City" or "The City of Brotherly Love." What, was "The Giant Squash" already taken? Oh, and New Yorkers, I'm totally kidding, this is, as has been mentioned, a really slow newsweek). I will now list for you the directors and actors involved in the project that I care about (not all of them, because I don't have time for that shit). Directors include Scarlett Johansson (she can do everything...further proof of her perfection), Shekhar Kapur (love your other work, we should do lunch), Natalie Portman (ignore what I said about Scarlett, Natalie, you're my favorite), and Brett Ratner (Who let this guy in? Was there some kind of douchebag minimum?). Actors include Kevin Bacon (only doing this movie to ensure a lifetime of "6 degrees"), Maggie Q (the Q stands for sexy), Orlando Bloom (keep it up, someone will think you're a real actor...no, really), James Caan (still coming down off that Las Vegas experience), Hayden Christensen (hey, after the Gay Hutt, you're no longer my least favorite thing about Star Wars), Blake Lively (I'm told she's on "Gossip Girl," but I still couldn't pick her out of a tramp lineup), Julie Christie (classin' the joint up), Bradley Cooper ("Alias" 4 life yo...Will Tippen in the house), Chris Cooper (no relation to Bradley), Drea de Matteo (still not out of jail for "Joey"), Carla Gugino (ignore what I said about Natalie and Scarlett, Carla, you're my favorite), Ethan Hawke (how'd that writer/director thing turn out for ya?), Shia LaBeouf (seriously, you can't be in every movie), Cloris Leachman (seriously, you can't be in every movie), Natalie Portman (forget what I said about Carla and Scarlett, you really are my favorite), Rachel Bilson (forget what I said about Carla, Scarlett, and Natalie, you're my favorite), Christina Ricci (Rachel Bilson is my favorite), Saul Williams (slam poet in the house), and Ugur Yucel (he's no Nurgül Yesilçay, but he'll do in a pinch for our Turkish actor requirement).

That was fun. Here's the trailer for the film for you to enjoy more than this recap.

Quick clips for Monday August 25

I know it's Monday, but things could be worse...you could be the producer of The Rocker

I'm consoling myself regarding yet another catastrophic gaffe in my predictions by remembering that I, in fact, do not have millions riding on how these things pan out. Sure, I lose a little respect and a touch of dignity, but I was almost empty on both of those anyway, so it's all kind of easy to dismiss. At any rate, as you sip that cup of Monday joe, remember: you're not the one who greenlight a star vehicle for Dwight from "The Office" (a film that grossed around $2 million this weekend, or what Batman wipes his Bat ass on). Here are the weekend results:

1.) Tropic Thunder - $16 million

Nice to see that I'm not completely incompetent. Seeing this flick atop the box office is a nice treat, seeing as how it deserves to do good money. The drop-off was really quite good (average is around 50%, but this was only off 37% from the opening weekend). That's because word of mouth has been kind...but I like to think it's just the power of this blog.

2.) The House Bunny - $15 million

Okay, so maybe I spoke too soon on that semi-competent assessment. I had this doing about half the money and in 5th position. How could I forget the tantalizing power of Anna Faris's cleavage? All must bow down before her perky bosom. What else could explain people seeing a movie about a Playboy bunny at a sorority house? It sure wasn't a resurgence in feminism.

3.) Death Race - $12 million

I was off on the position, but this is pretty much dollar-wise where I thought a sad rehash of a demo derby would finish. I really didn't think a demo derby could be more depressing, but thanks to Joan Allen for proving me wrong.

4.) The Dark Knight - $10 million

This brings the total to around $490 million. I'm pretty much out of things to say about this film by now. Batman burnout is an ugly thing.

5.) Star Wars: Clone Wars - $5.5 million

Suck it, Lucas. Where's that Free Credit Report.com guy to sing "F to the L to the O to the P. Lucas dropped a turd, baby" 'Bout time.

I think it's about a girl in a bucket, what's your guess?

Between the end of the Olympics and the Democratic National Convention, movie news is slimmer than a producer's suggested weight for his lead actress. This leads to me reporting that Hayao Miyazaki, who got mad props for Spirited Away (winning Best Animated Film at the Oscars), has more reason to celebrate, as his new animated adventure Ponyo on the Cliff by the Sea has earned more than 10 billion Yen at the Japanese box office. This sounds impressive, but I believe that the currency exchange rate means this film has earned $7, but I could be wrong. The real fun thing to do is speculate as to what the sam hell the film is about based on the limited information I've heard about it and crazy pictures, like this one:

I think it's fairly obvious that this is a film about an angry, mutated goldfish who is despondent after spending years inside a septic system after getting flushed. Well, it's that or the tale of Sasha, the most cheerful talking technicolor vomit ever! I invite you to make up your own and share them in the comments below. Don't be afraid, it's anonymous so feel free to become whoever you'd like.

Hey, does anybody remember actors could strike, like, any minute?

The situation between the actors and the producers really haven't gotten better so much as they have dragged out long enough where we no longer care. Still, things could get toasty again over the upcoming SAG elections. According to The Hollywood Reporter, elections this week could pave the way for the SAG to merge with AFTRA (which only delights people who love acronyms). Basically, SAG is the NFL and AFTRA is the Canadian Football League, insofar as the former is huge and the latter tries really, really hard. AFTRA has a deal with the producers, SAG does not (because they think they're, like, so much better than that). The majority of the SAG members seem to be in favor of avoiding a strike by taking the deal on the table, despite the top leadership wanting to strike. This could pave the way for some truly interesting changes...or not, it really depends on a whole bunch of crap that I don't know much about (but the guys who wrote the article I linked do totally do, so check it out). Regardless, I'm all about love and peace, so let's hope that SAG wants to get their hippie on.

Friday Free-For-All

I love that Variety and The Hollywood Reporter have to say kick ass

I don't just posture about being a nerd, I have a whole closet full of comics. Relationships of mine have ended because of comics. I have killed over a comic before (sure, it was an insect attempting to mount my copy of "Ultimate Spider-man #1" but you get the idea). My favorite artist is John Romita Jr, a man whose pencils are so pure I would bequeath to him the internal organ of his choice. Currently, JR JR is working on "Kick-Ass," a semirealistic story about a young, powerless, clumsy teenaged boy who begins fighting crime. As all comic books are instantly adapted into movies these days prior to the final issues actually seeing print (ahh, the joys of delayed comics), the big-screen version is already on the way. Directed by Matthew Vaughn (the underrated Stardust and Layer Cake), the film will star Nicholas Cage as a former cop who trained his daughter (played by Chloe Moretz) to cut people's heads off with a sword (this is why I say semirealistic and I probably should have mentioned the ultraviolence performed by teenagers). Lyndsy Fonseca will play the hot chick who only hangs out with the main character because she thinks he's gay. If this all wasn't adding up to the coolest experience ever for you, howsabout the fact that McLovin is in it. Yeah, that's right, he ain't goin' out like Pedro, he's going down swinging. All of this information was reported by The Hollywood Reporter, who chose a picture of Cage that looks like it was taken post-mortem to run with the story. Seriously, click the link just for that.

Weekend Battle Plan - You like to read, right?

Ouch.

Well, if you're going to see something this weekend, it may be a good time to try something more indie or offbeat, as The Rocker, The House Bunny, The Longshots, and Death Race are assaulting theaters like a torrent of diarrhea after the constipation of quality summer films has been treated.

You aren't going to have seen previews for most of these, so here's a little primer for you.

Bottle Shock looks to be a cute little film starring Alan Rickman



American Teen is a documentary culled from like 8 billion hours of footage taken at an average high-school and hobbled into some semblance of a story. They're billing it like a "real" Breakfast Club, but thou shalt not take Judd Nelson's name in vain, just a rule of mine.



Oh, and we haven't gotten to this film yet, but Scarlett Johansson and Peneople Cruz are still making out in Vicky Christina Barcelona. You shouldn't need me to tell you more about it than that, but here's that trailer.



That's my recommendation: Go see any of these three films. It will be better than Death Race, I promise.

On DVD: Again, not much to write home about...or write blogs about...but Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day is good enough for government work. Amy Adams stars as an early 20th century movie floozy and Frances McDormand plays her governess/assistant who tries to hang with her. It's cute. That's the best I can do. What, you don't like cute? You'd rather I recommend something ugly? Freakshow.

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

There's no way that anybody can predict the order of this week's slap-dash, half-assed films. The only thing I know is that this is a legendarily weak week. Any of these films could come in number one, which would be like winning first-price in the pig-make-out contest. Here's my best guess:

1.) Tropic Thunder - $15 million

I really hope this movie is number one again, if only because it truly deserves to be successful. Seriously, we throw money at Will Ferrell's nutsack (his actual nutsack) and yet this movie may not be the most successful summer comedy. GO SEE IT.

2.) Death Race - $13 million

Hey, Jason Statham, I'll give you $10 bucks if you'll star in my new movie called Flaming Piece of Shit. In it, you'll play a tough guy who grimaces a lot, kicks people, and then lights dudes on fire, saying "now you're a flaming piece of shit." Really, you'll do it for $8 dollars. Cool.

3.) The Dark Knight - $11 million

Seriously, what else is there to say about this movie other than MY WIFE STILL HASN'T SEEN IT...which guarantees at least 8 more dollars in its piggy bank. It should be over $500 milly by Labor Day...which still leaves it $100 million short of Titanic. I said it before, I'll say it again. The only chance this film has of knocking Cameron's crown off is a Best Picture nomination and subsequent theatrical re-release.

4.) The Longshots - $9 million

This could actually do better, because there isn't much for families out there. Now, step back and realize I just referred to a family project starring Ice Cube directed by Fred Durst of Limp Bizkit. Now, run. Run fast.

5.) The House Bunny - $7 million

Anna Faris is cute. This movie is not.

Quick clips for Thursday August 21

I'm only running this so I can add a picture of Kristen Bell

Kristen Bell isn't some bubbly, buxom, botox, bubble-boobed blond. Oh, don't get me wrong, she's still assembled with perfection but she's also got this nerd chic about her. (See below.)

In case you didn't know (don't worry, the ratings suggest only four of you did), Bell was the star of the WB (CW, whatever two initials mean nothing to you) show "Veronica Mars," which was actually quite good. The unwatched program followed the young Miss Mars as she solved local mysteries, sort of like "Murder She Wrote" only you want to do it with Angela Lansbery (so, basically, it's exactly like "Murder She Wrote" for me). Well, Entertainment Weekly's Michael Ausiello, who is nowhere near as amusing as he finds himself and only infrequently has news of interest, reports that Bell and show creator Rob Thomas have been mulling a big-screen version of the now-canceled show. Two caveats: (1) He bases this on news that Bell and Thomas "bumped into each other" and then concludes "We're halfway to getting this thing greenlit." (2) After the rousing un-success of X-Files: Nobody Gives a Crap, ain't nobody gonna make a canceled show into a movie (by the way, both "X-Files" and "Mars" are WB properties). Long story short, this likely won't happen, but aren't you glad you got to see Kristen Bell as Princess Leia this morning?

Danny Boyle, you confuse me

My friends know I had some mixed feelings about Trainspotting (in that I vacillate between being so repulsed I want director Danny Boyle arrested and so intrigued I want to watch it 1000 more times). That said, Boyle is one of the few must-see directors right now. Why? Because he's apparently working his way through every genre (how's that for range). Check it out:

Shallow Grave - Mystery/suspense (Hitchcockian)

Trainspotting - Drama/comedy

A Life Less Ordinary - Romantic comedy

The Beach - Social commentary/drama

28 Days Later - Horror

Millions - Children's film

Sunshine - Science fiction

Now comes word that his latest, Slumdog Millionaire, will hit very soon, despite being owned by Warner Independent (which is now more dead than my sex drive after listening to a David Hasselhoff song). Variety says that Fox and Warner Bros will share the distribution rights (odd, considering the Watchmen war). What genre is Boyle trying this time? I guess true-life story/biography? The film is about an impoverished Indian who wins on India's version of "Who Wants to be a Millionaire." I know. The guy who did 28 Days Later is doing a movie about a game-show winner. This news is stranger than Mel Gibson's ringtone ("If I Was a Rich Man").

As an actor, I really prefer Ben Affleck's directing

Mike Judge, who created "King of the Hill," Office Space, and Idiocracy, may have the worst funny-to-famous ratio ever. His feature films are dumped without acknowledging their potential and you can forget about advanced hype. Well, let's change that a bit. Judge's next comedy, Extract, follows a flower extract factory owner who's wife is having an affair. According to Variety, Ben Affleck is eyeing the role of an ambulance-chasing lawyer, Jason Bateman is playing the factory owner, and Mila Kunis and Kristen Wiig have also been confirmed. Now, I think this is a smart move for Ben, who hasn't been on screen in almost two years, but after blowing my freakin' mind with Gone Baby Gone, I wish he'd go back behind the camera. I'm not one of those guys who bash Benboy as much as others (aside from the snarky headline that is), but he is, at best, a decent performer. However, that noir film has me convinced that he is capable of being a legendary director. Yes, I'm serious. Look, all I'm saying is that Eastwood would have been Dirty Harry forever if he hadn't gone behind the camera. I know he probably reads this blog every day; so, Ben, please listen to me above all friends, family, agents, and people who actually know things and go back behind the lens PRONTO. Oh, and everyone should go see Mike Judge's new movie. That is all the instruction I have for now.

I was hoping Akiva Goldsmith would write it

That headline may not be funny to all of you but: (A) I have a friend who has sworn a blood oath to destroy Crapmaster Akiva and (B) it's the dude who wrote Batman and Robin. At any rate, this has nothing to do with the destroyer of things that are good, this has to do with something you probably already thought was happening, but wasn't for sure, but now is for sure, which is a good thing. This is to say Fran Walsh, Peter Jackson, and Phillippa Boyens have all signed on to pen The Hobbit and it's potential sequel, according to Variety. What this means is that Guillermo Del Toro agreed to direct these films without knowing who would be writing them for sure. Wow. I know, Del Toro could have probably done a damn good job himself writing them but talk about putting yourself in front of the geek firing line. Taking on the only nerd franchise to win a Best Picture Oscar without a script is a demonstration that the front of Del Toro's pants need extra fabric. Plus, given the urinary Olympics that went on between Jackson and New Line over royalties, there was no guarantee that the Oscar winner wouldn't have slapped the taste out of the mouth of whoever came calling with a new contract. Still, all this news is good, and we get Hobbity goodness in 2011 and 2012 (provided the Mayans weren't right and we all survive).

More Heiney is always welcome

Robert Heinlein has a resume that includes what could be my favorite novel of all time (or at least, it's what I call my "at gunpoint" choice, you know, where someone says "pick your favorite book" and you say "I don't have just one" and they say "you have to pick" and you say "I don't know" and they say "you have to, you have a gun at your head" and you shoot them and stand over their corpse and say "I told you not to rush me...okay, 'Stranger in a Strange Land' are you happy now?" but they aren't happy, because they're dead). Somehow, in a day and age when smearing crumbs on a napkin can be optioned for a major motion picture (don't steal that idea, it's mine), Heiney has only had three of his works turned into movies (Starship Troopers, The Puppet Masters, and Destination Moon). Now, Alexander Proyas is adapting "The Unpleasant Profession of Jonathon Hoag," which is not a movie about a rectal thermometer tester, despite how it sounds. The book is about a guy who can't remember what he does during the day and the detectives who try to figure out what it is. That sort of sounds like my life, only instead of trying to remember what I do, I try to forget.

Finally, the computer-generated Shakespeare movie we've been waiting for

One day, I will have a whole blog that doesn't cite The Hollywood Reporter. This is not that day. THR broke the news that James McAvoy and Emily Blunt are voicing Gnomeo and Juliet, respectively, in a CGI-adaptation of the Shakespeare play (if I have to tell you which one, you can't possibly be reading this anyway) for Miramax and Elton John's Rocket Pictures (which, to this point, has only put out the four-hour documentary Check Out These Sparkling, Oversized Glasses). Kate Winslet was originally going to voice Juliet, but she bailed. Tim Rice was going to write original songs, but he bailed. So the film will now star the hot chick you barely remember and feature old Elton John songs. If the prospect of a movie with a story you've heard 10000 times featuring songs you've heard 1000000 times doesn't get your motor running, you better put in another quart of awesome oil.

Quick clips for Tuesday August 19

To be fair, I also think Tyra Banks is a dude

As will be noted in the upcoming issue of The Reader, I made a boo-boo. That is to say, when editing Jon Tvrdik's review of Brideshead Revisited, which made me avoid the movie more intently than I avoid milk-flavored potato chips, I accidentally changed the gender of the author of the novel on which the film was based. Now, I haven't given performed many verbal gender operations before, but I'm told that people generally don't approve of them. Making this more embarrassing is the fact that I have not one, but two English literature degrees. Yes, that sound you hear is a former professor of mine weeping in her tea and crumpets. What sucks is, Jon didn't make the mistake, I did...but his name is on the review. As anyone who has had this happen will attest, that's the worst part of all. Jon knew it and actually tried to help me get it fixed prior to print, but the messenger pigeon I sent and the telegraph I issued never reached their destination (some 30 blocks away). Long story short (or shortish anyway): my bad. Evelyn Waugh had male sexual reproductive organs. Now we are totally clear.

I'm watchin' Watchmen or you'll be watchin' a whuppin'

So...after spending something reasonable like MOST OF MY ADULT LIFE waiting for a big screen adaptation of the best miniseries in comic book history (sorry Dark Knight Returns fans, you know I'm right), Zack Snyder finally makes his big-screen version and now comes word from The Hollywood Reporter that Fox is suing Warner Brothers over the rights. Now, I don't know much about fancy legal mumbo jumbo. Here's what I know: I will go circa-1980s-pre-Oscar-weird-looking-Madonna-married-Sean-Penn-on-paparazzi-beat-down on any Fox suit that attempts to derail my eyes viewing Watchmen in March of 2009. I'm not even willing to wait one day past the current release date. Seriously, I'm a dangerous man (just ask people standing too close when I'm attempting to fix something). This is actually a dangerous possibility (the film delay, not the impending whupping) because a judge has refused to throw the suit out. Is it technically bribery if I just make him read the graphic novel, because by then he's going to do whatever it takes to release it. Unless it's Judge Ito, we all know that dude was blind.

I'm going to be nice to Tom Cruise today

The cameo in Tropic Thunder bought everybody's favorite punchline a day of peace. The Hollywood Reporter is...(man, and I was doing so good) reporting that Tommy has optioned "Sleeper," a comic book about a spy who has some thingie that makes him impervious to pain (as opposed to Cruise's thingie, which has made him a pain magnet lately...wait, I'm supposed to be nice...). Sam Raimi is producing and Cruise will star in what is being seen as the opportunity for a new franchise, provided people are willing to be as nice to Thomas as I am today...is today over yet? Because I really want to make a joke about the "alien artifact" and the fact that the "exciting franchise possibility" is called "Sleeper." Wow, this is harder than I thought. Remind me not to make this my New Year's resolution, I wouldn't last until the last bowl game. Speaking of bowl game, have you seen Katie Holmes's new hair cut...what, I didn't say anything about laying off of Mrs. Xenu.

Quick clips for Monday August 18

I am the Michael Phelps of box office predictions, in that I am all wet

Remember that totally exciting race between Phelps and that other guy on Friday, when you thought for sure Phelps had lost but then he teleported somehow in front to win by a hundredth of a second? Well, I was nowhere near that close to accurately predicting the box office. But I didn't exactly "pull a Scarnato" either (too soon or just too obscure for those not olympically obsessed?)

Here are the results:

1.) Tropic Thunder - $26 million

This is a good start. I wish it brought home a little more bacon (because I really, really love bacon), but this is a decent enough start given the fact that 66 million folks were at home on Saturday night watching Phelpsie. Hopefully word of mouth builds and it lays claim to the "top-grossing comedy of the year" crown it deserves. I love a world where Ben Stiller is funny again, even if for a brief moment.

2.) The Dark Knight - $16.5 million

Okay, so I had the number justabout right but the position wrong. So sue me. Actually, I did at least suggest it was possible for Star Wars: Pwned Wars to end up in third, and this makes me happy. Sometimes, it's okay to be wrong...if Lucas looks stupid.

3.) Star Wars: Clone Wars - $15.5 million

Suck on this, Lucas, you stereotype-spewing, throat-beard of hate. Turds get third. Remember 'dat yo.

4.) Mirrors - $11 million

What, the grocery stores were out of razors, so you had to try to kill yourself the old fashioned way (like watching Kiefer Sutherland act)? Only a milly off of my prediction, but I had it in fifth, which was depressing enough.

5.) Pineapple Express - $10 million

As expected, this film had its audience big-time eaten up by Tropic Thunder (a far superior action-comedy). That said, the reason studios want to oil up and eat Seth Rogen and Judd Apatow? This flick cost $27 million and has already grossed $62 million, on its way to a likely $75-80 million. Throw in what will likely be blazing DVD rentals, and this thing is a profit juggernaut. No lie, in terms of return on investment percentages, it could be as profitable as The Dark Knight.

Dear Lord, please don't take Voltron from me

Just the other day I was recounting my "all I ever wanted for Christmas but didn't get" story, you know the one that everyone has (and I normally sympathize, except for one friend...dude, you didn't get it because it was illegal and the smell alone would have been prohibitive). For me, it was the Black Lion toy that formed the torso and head of Voltron. I mean, I got the Red Lion, which was cool and all, because he formed the hand that got to hold the sword (at least I didn't get the Yellow Lion, who formed the stinky foot). For those who don't know what I'm talking about, you're probably too young to be reading this blog anyway, but here's a picture:

I mention this because Variety is reporting that the bed-crapping studio (New Regency) that has sat on the live-action Voltron rights for an eternity (not realizing robot lions that form a bigger, sword-wielding robot is maybe the coolest thing that has ever been thought up) is ready to turn out something immediately before they lose the right to do so. The studio is suggesting that the 300 strategy will be used, which either means a lot of green screens or Voltron is going to have helluva six-pack. Either way, get this thing in theaters immediately so my wife can buy me the Black Lion for Christmas to erase all my childhood pain.

This is the only time you'll ever see Bill O'Reilly here, unless he's crying in pain

There was a point at which David Zucker was funny. Honest. He did Airplane and Naked Gun, which were both hilarious (and Top Secret, which may have been funnier than either of those). Of course, that was before First Daughter and Scary Movies 1-infinity. Well...his latest movie is a weird, weird beast: An American Carol is a right-wing parody movie, basically targeting Michael Moore (I always love criticism that comes like a decade late) and liberalism in general. More or less, it's A Christmas Carol with Trace Adkins as one of the ghosts and Chris Farley's brother as Ebeneezer Scrooge-meets-Michael Moore. I shit you not. The trailer premiered on the (shudder) Bill O'Reilly show and he even cameos in the film, which really should tell you where I stand on this thing before it even arrives. (No lie, that man could be the worst human on the planet currently consuming oxygen.) That said, the patriot in me would like to believe that someone on the right is capable of being nearly as funny as Stewart and Colbert (even if Airplane's slapstick isn't exactly the high satire of the two aforementioned geniuses), if just to have some measure of balance (fair or otherwise). I guess what I'm asking is, "is this funny to you?"

Friday Free-For-All

Tropic of can't, sir

Well, crap.

Looking at the first returns from Tropic Thunder, it doesn't appear that the film is catching on. People will try to pin this on the protests about the film, which is like saying oil prices are going down because of the power of positive thinking. Nobody is opting out of seeing this film because The Special Olympics told them to; they're avoiding it because they can't get a sense of the tone. "Is it a stupid comedy? Because if I get to see Ben Stiller's taint, I'm totally there," state the fans of Step Brothers. "Is it satire? Because if it doesn't skewer Hollywood like The Player, I don't want to see it," state the fans of "The Daily Show." "Is it an action comedy? Because I totally love Lethal Weapon," states Danny Glover.

Look, it's more complicated than all of that...and funnier than all of that. I'll be giving this bad boy a full-on review in the upcoming issue, but for now, let me just say that Tropic Thunder is easily the funniest movie of the year so far (although that comes without my having seen Foot Fist Way, which, given Danny McBride's scene stealing in Thunder and Pineapple Express, may be funnier than anything has ever been). If you are a fan of any type of comedy, this film covers it. If you don't laugh at Jack Black's coked-out comedian, you'll laugh at Robert Downey Jr's parody of Russell Crowe in blackface, or a rapper-turned-actor named Alpa Cino selling an energy drink named Booty Juice, or the best cameo in a comedy in recent memory (possibly career resurrecting if enough people see the film). Long story short, I don't want to live in a world where Step Brothers is publicly viewed as more successful than a truly humorous and clever film.

Weekend Battle Plan - Damn the Wars, save the Thunder.

Talk about movies headed in two different directions, Star Wars: The Clone Wars has steadily gotten worse as I've been away from it, whereas Tropic Thunder just keeps getting funnier as I remember lines of dialogue and visuals ("Looks like Mother Nature pissed her pantsuit"). With Batman finally coming to rest (for now) at his final perch (second highest grossing film ever...unless they re-release come Oscar time, which would give it a slim chance at Titanic), I'm guessing that audiences are ready to move on to other fare...and I hope that fare is Thunder-ous. Oh, and in case you haven't read the previous posts, I hope that Clone Wars makes $4.00. So, you know your instructions at this point; if you must protest anything, protest Lucas's inclusion of the homosexual stereotype Hutt.

That's my recommendation: Go see Tropic Thunder twice and punch George Lucas in his hutt.

On DVD: I like Stephen Chow, but I haven't seen CJ7, his slapstick take on ET, featuring a young kid and a crazy alien toy. That said, the only other thing out this week on DVD is Smart People with Sarah Jessica Parker and she's is a black hole that sucks good things into it and turns them awful. Sorry, SJP, no amount of cosmetic surgery can fix the ugly on your talent. So CJ7, sight unseen is my recommendation.

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

Seriously, one more off week like this and I'm going to have to change this to "Afraid, flawed box office mistakes." This is a tough week because normally Star Wars is a license to print money and Ben Stiller is as close to a solid comedic box office bet as there is...and yet we've got the whole gay hutt/"full-retard" protest shenanigans to contend with. Here's my best guess:

1.) Tropic Thunder - $23 million

To paraphrase Crash Davis's beautiful speech in Bull Durham (you'll note I praise the character and not the actor who played him), "I believe in the soul...the small of a woman's back...the hangin' curveball, high fiber, I believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing AstroTurf and the designated hitter...and I believe that if a movie is funny and good, people will see it." Okay, so the original ending was better, but I didn't want to get all sexual so early in the morning. I want so badly for Tropic's total to go higher than $30 million...but I'll settle for first place.

2.) Star Wars: Clone Wars - $17 million

The first film in the franchise that won't open in first, won't crack at least $100 million, and won't have fans even moderately excited. Lucas won't listen to reason, maybe he'll listen to failure.

3.) The Dark Knight - $16 million

This could beat Clone Wars. It deserves to. If Batman wins, it will be the most heroic thing he's ever done.

4.) Pineapple Express - $12 million

Tropic Thunder will steal most of this audience, and it should because it's better. Whereas this film crapped the bed in its final act, its opponent understood how to blend action and comedy.

5.) Mirrors - $10 million

A f**king movie about haunted mirrors is coming out. How is this even possible? TAKE THE MIRRORS DOWN. Movie over.

Quick clips for Thursday August 14

At this point, I'm not even sure that Valkyrie isn't already in the theaters

See Tom Cruise. See Tom Cruise fall from grace. See Tom Cruise choose the Oscar bait film Valkyrie. See Valkyrie get buzz. See Valkyrie run from its release date. Run, Valkyrie, run!

Of course, the latest news from embattled studio MGM, is that, after moving the film from this fall to this winter to the day after Valentine's Day next year, the film is moving back to the day after Christmas. This latest move is actually a vote of confidence, as the studio must think it isn't a particularly stinky turd and will have a shot at some kind of awards. What will be interesting will be how they attempt to package the film. It used to be that you could slap Tommyboy's face on the front of a poster and that toothy grin would hypnotize the folks into coming. Now, you slap his face on a poster and people assume the poster is laced with some kind of Scientology powder that will turn you into a space alien if you breathe too closely to it. I'll admit, I'm curious as hell about the film. Before director Bryan Singer went number two in his bed with Superman Returns, he was on a nice roll (Usual Suspects, X-Men 2), now, I'm not so sure what's going on. Look, either way, we get to see Tom Cruise with an eyepatch in a Nazi outfit. I think that's all most of us need, right?

Carb-up, Panda, you've got more work to do

To the surprise of no one (except those who are very, very easily surprised...I'm talking "Holy crap, Matlock totally solved the crime" surprised), Kung Fu Panda is getting a sequel. According to the Hollywood Reporter (VICTORY IS MINE!), the film that raked in $560 million worldwide is going to get a sequel. They make sequels to movies that rake in 50 bucks, so no wonder they're going to be doing this. I mention it mainly as a way to sort of revisit the film itself. Dreamworks animation is to Pixar what GoBots were to Transformers, but Kung Fu was better than I originally thought it was. Sure, the whole "let's make a film about violence and market it to kids" sort of confuses me still, but beyond that, the film is actually more charming than I gave it credit for. Not only was the animation pretty, I really like the character designs, which I continue to see on the back of my cereal boxes (and yes, screw off, I eat cereal that have animated characters on the back...and I still read the boxes and do all the puzzles...they make me feel smart and good about myself). I'm not saying I would have upgraded the film to an A, but it was probably better than the B- I originally gave it. Were there a grade appeals process, I may push it up to a B+. I'm sure that makes it easier for the Dreamworks to sleep on their piles of money, the fact I gave them a B- was the only dark spot in their lives.

An open letter to George Lucas

Dear George,

You aren't going to read this. I know that. If you were going to read anyone's online missive, it wouldn't be mine, but beyond that, you clearly don't care about what any of the fans whose money made you into the careless, unchecked, arrogant media mogul you've become. You've proven that time and time again by refusing to even consider what any of them want, surrounding yourself with sycophants that are so impressed by being in your presence that they lose all sense of judgement.

No, I'm writing this to make myself feel better. See, I don't know how I'm ever going to justify giving you another goddamn penny after hearing this. I hoped that the decision to make Ziro into a slime-covered ball of homosexual stereotypes was somehow made without you. That, somehow, some half-witted bigot sneaked into the art and voice departments and hobbled together the eyesore that was Ziro the Hutt. Nope. You did it. You did. You said that you wanted him to "sound like Truman Capote." As everyone is pointing out, the design (although horrifying) isn't what made the character into a slug-of-hate. It was the voice, in English no less (despite Jabba the Hutt speaking in a very distinct and popular dialect), that made this into the most despicable character in the history of science fiction. I was one of the few who gave you a pass on Jar-Jar, assuming that he was a misguided attempt to appeal to the kids and not an intentional Steppin Fetchit aimed at demeaning black people. I forgave the Trade Federation hierarchy for sounding like bad Chinese impressions, arguing that they were just bad voice actors. Hearing one of your own staff say that you intentionally invoked Truman Captoe's voice...there's no defending you now.

I want so badly to go off on a hard-core rant about how you've defiled so many childhood memories for so many people or how it isn't fair that you've continued to exhibit such a high degree of power in film making. I want to be furious because you've made it your mission to mine the depths of your previously beloved characters until they are so emaciated we no longer recognize them. I want to talk about how pissed off I am that Star Wars has to be something I make excuses for. But I can't. Because I'm too sad. I'm too disappointed that you've done this, that you've openly taunted a community in a children's film because you're that stupid. You are more rich, more powerful than I will ever be. But you are a small, stupid man, George Lucas.

I won't swear a boycott and say "I'm never watching anything Star Wars again." It wouldn't dent your empire and it would mean that I miss out on something I care about. I just want you to know your legacy. You were the guy who created and then ruined something beautiful. You are the guy who went from making movies I can't wait to show my unborn children to a juvenile-minded bigot.

Thanks a lot, George. I hope whoever gets control of the franchise after you can redeem it. Actually, I hope it doesn't take that long. I hope you feel bad enough to apologize for this and I hope that you surrender control and let someone else fix your mess. Why? Because I believe in forgiveness and redemption and you need to ask for both.

Quick clips for Wednesday August 13

Well, fine, but Bananarama really is composing the closing symphony

I love me some Chuck Palahniuk. I mean, I would never, ever want to meet him for fear that he would feast on my soul or some such thing, but his writing is a fresh blend of unique opinions, literary merit, and perversion. He's also, apparently, a crazy liar pants. Chud.com pointed me (well, anyone who was reading, it wasn't just for me) to a BBC article where Chuckie P was talking about the upcoming movie adaptation of his novel "Choke," which is one of my favorites of his but still plays like a slight retread of "Survivor" (which should have been made into a movie first...but I digress). In said article, Chuckster said that they "got Radiohead to contribute a song; to write a song for the very end of the movie, the final credits. Apparently, Radiohead liked the movie so much they've written the score." Well...CP is known for, howshallwesay, "embelishing" the truth a bit. So, The Playlist talked to the music supervisors and, you guessed it, this is all bunk. The only Radiohead song in the film is "Reckoner," which is off of "In Rainbows," so it isn't even an original song. Technically, this is a non-rumor, but it's hump day and news is slow. Besides, this way if someone says "dude, I totally heard that Radiohead was doing the Choke score" you can be all "na'ah." Then you should go get new friends, because you shouldn't befriend liar-mongers who say "dude" and "totally." I'm not telling you how to live your life, but you should listen to me.

The second muscled, oiled, bare-chested man update of the week

Dirk Blackman and Howard McCain, whose names sound either phony or like slimy politicians, are rewriting a draft of Conan for Lionsgate. The Hollywood Reporter...reports (so help me, one of these days I will find away around your clever trap you evil bastards) that the duo also has Amazon, about female warriors (to which Scarlett Johansson is attached...all...fantasies...coming...true), making its way through production. What's interesting is the blind, stupid optimism of Blackman, McCain and company, who don't seem to realize the limited popularity of the material they are working from. First, they are envisioning a "$100 million R-rated origin film." (Little slave dude gets muscled, picks up sword, origin over...seriously people, get over the need to do origin stories for guys like CONAN THE BARBARIAN. His last name is "The Barbarian," do we really need a long set-up? I think we get the idea). Second, my favorite is the quote from the producer, who says "There's no reason why there couldn't be a Conan movie every two years. He's almost like Batman: He's a dark hero. He's a hard hero. He has to be badass, but we also have to like him." Where to start? Other than appealing strongly to the gay community, Batman and Conan have nothing in common other than you just put them in the same sentence. One is a state-of-the-art crimefighter who squares off against supervillians and the other one, I don't know, greases himself for six hours a day and then chops some dude's head off. If there's a Conan movie every two years, I won't survive four years.

Movie mood makers

Although all movie critics like to pretend we're these objective pinnacles of observation. We all know that's crap, right? We can pretend that it doesn't matter whether we walk in to a screening angry enough to scowl at newborns, but it does. If you're in the mood for a laugh, a comedy that isn't so good (cough, Step Brothers, cough) may fool you into thinking it is (cough, Step Brothers isn't and if you like it you suck, cough). Likewise, I'm pretty sure I've been in moods where a film about the Chicago Bears, directed by the Lord almighty, starring Scarlett Johannson in every role, with U2 doing the score would still annoy me (okay, no it wouldn't, and if anyone wants to put such a film together, you are entitled to any money I have now or will have later). The coolest thing, however, is when you are pulled out of your negative nellyness by a film. For example, I know my Mrs always goes to certain romantic comedies to pull her out of ooky feelings (you have no idea how many times the phrase "I just want to watch Win a Date with Tad Hamilton" has been spoken in my house...I'm guessing more times than has been spoken by people who were in Win a Date with Tad Hamilton...or anyone actually). While I may go to classic nerd-flicks to improve my attitude (Star Wars original trilogy...obviously, Indiana Jones, etc), I really love it when I see something unexpected that yoinks me up from the depths of despair. My most recent experience of such a thing was Doomsday, which is out on DVD so you should rent it. I went in annoyed and came out blissfully happy about the sheer oddball carnage I had just watched (don't judge me). So, I'm wondering, what films have had that effect on others? There's a comment feature and everything, so don't feel like you have to answer out loud.

Quick clips for Tuesday August 12

I bet most of you won't read this once you see the pictu...yep, there you go

I love the "Prince of Persia" video games, at least the first reincarnation on the Playstation 2/X-Box (not the original one, which looked like squiggly lines doing things to other squiggly lines, or the newest ones, which are so dark and crazy my character is dead before I turn the thing on). I also know that many of you out there loooove Jake Gyllenhaal (notice the extra Os in love, which I feel accurately describes your passion), although I'm guessing it isn't because he's an awesome actor (which he is), but rather, for reasons demonstrated in the first picture of him in character as said Prince of Persia (despite his not being in any way of Persian descent, which is sort of like Denzel Washington playing the king of Sweden). He looks very much like a muscled hobo, which is fine, but I'm wondering if they're even going to address the whole "Whitey McWhiteboy" playing someone of Persian descent issue. Then again, Angelina Jolie just kind of got tan for her role as Marianne Pearl in A Mighty Heart and no one seemed to mind. Whatever, point is, Just Jared has a half-naked, stringy haired looking Jakey G, and I know most of you reading this blog and most of you will thank me for this.



Howboutcha argo-not do that?

Again, as has been reiterated over and over recently, if a Greek dude took a good poop a few centuries back, it's going to be made into a movie now. At some point, when all of these 300 clones come out and fail miserably, we'll be back in a world where you can't get anyone to make a toga movie. For now, we have to deal with reports from Variety that Zak Penn (who should be spending every waking minute making damn sure he doesn't dribble his Avengers draft down his leg) is penning a new Jason and the Argonauts movie that is "based on Penn's original take on the classic Greek tale." This makes me laugh because (A) in what omniverse does Penn have an "original take" on a centuries old myth? Sure, poets and playwrights have been working on it for generations, but the guy who wrote The Incredible Hulk is going to graciously reimagine it. (B) Why do you do something that has already been done perfectly. Ray "God among special effects chumps" Harryhausen already had his hand in the 1963 version of Jason and don't be tellin' me it ain't perfect! This is a good time to mention my undying love of all things Harryhausen; the man just made such hand-crafted, endearing special effects. I know that stop-motion characters are not "photorealistic" like the computer generated stuff, but if you can watch the below collection of Harryhausen's creatures without smiling...then you suck (that should be more clever, but good lord am I tired this morning).



Splash meets Forrest Gump

If you are trying to get me interested in a movie, describing it as Splash meets Forrest Gump is the way to do it. I mean, does that suggest that an intellectually slow mermaid eats chocolate in the ocean and is superimposed over footage of former presidents? Does that mean that a mermaid is ridiculously inserted into major historical events with a soundtrack that makes Baby Boomers go all tingly-woo with excitement? Well, according to The Hollywood Reporter, this actually refers to an upcoming remake of the Russian novel-turned-1962-film The Amphibian, about an American surgeon living in the Amazon who gives his son shark gills to survive a fatal respiratory disease. Saywhat? This novel is apparently incredibly popular, which is remarkable, because it sounds just absolutely awful. I mean, the potential for unintentional humor is pretty high and I'm going to see any movie described as it was above, but someone really thinks this is a good idea? Really? The fact that I haven't sold a movie script by now is obviously entirely my fault, because those guys will make anything.

Quick clips for Monday August 11

Win some, lose some, lose some more

Despite the value of proximity being limited to horeshoes (which is fun) and hand grenades (a game I admittedly haven't tried yet), I'll go ahead and take the results of this week's predictions as a step in the right direction. I correctly predicted the triumph of the Bat (again), overestimated the power of the pants (easy to do when Alexis Bliedel is in them), and assumed y'all would figure out Step Brothers isn't funny. Oh well, c'est la vie, which I believe is French for "pass the wine." Here are the results:

1.) The Dark Knight - $26 million

I was dang close on this one. Much like the rest of the country, I'm running out of steam on figuring out more things to say about this movie, so I'm going to just give you a haiku.

The bat rakes in cash
while I am still a poor man
some superhero

2.) Pineapple Express - $22 million

Again, very close on this one. I had a feeling it would tail off as the weekend wore on. The thing you have to respect about these Apatow-produced flicks is that they cost like a buck fifty to make, so they pretty much start earning money after the first ticket is sold. Mazeltov boys, but next time make a more cohesive good movie, mmmkay?

3.) The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor - $16 million

Ouch. A 60% drop from last week...I honestly expected even worse, but apparently some of you didn't get the memo. I may have missed the degree of failure, but fail it did.

4.) Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants 2 - $10 million

A pretty feeble return for a sequel, but then again, it did cost $27 million to make and has already earned $19 million total, plus it will bank on DVD, where it will be rented by teens, pre-teens, tweens, and creepy Uncle Larry.

5.) Step Brothers - $9 million

Taking all of the joy and accuracy from my predictions, this turd edged out Mamma Mia! (which still crossed the $100 million mark and will be the top-grossing movie musical by mid week). I don't know what to say to those people who are assuring me this is a funny movie. This movie is so bad it makes you re-evaluate friendships with those who like it.

Well, it does have a gay hutt

Without getting too much into the review of Star Wars: Clone Wars, which you can read for yourself on Thursday, I wanted to give you some first impressions. First off, it was so disheartening to attend this screening for so many different reasons. Sure, it was at 10 am on a Saturday, but the theater was, at best, three quarters full...for a Star Wars movie! Nobody dressed up, and only two guys brought lightsabers (and I'm pretty sure they carry those to everywhere). Also, the surreal sight of seeing the Warner Bros logo (and not the 20th Century Fox fanfare) before the "A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away" text was trippy...but not as trippy as the lack of John Williams fanfare and the absence of the opening yellow crawl. I know, I know, this is an animated film that is little more than a glorified pilot for an upcoming TV show. Still, would it have killed them to try? My guess is, this is intended for younger audiences...which is unfortunate, because it is full of war sequences that are pretty adult. Then again, the writing is so juvenile and stupid, adults will loathe every spoken word, and the voice acting is beyond wretched. So what you're left with is the latest movie in a series that lives on nostalgia and yet forgoes the traditional elements; a movie that targets kids but is too thematically dark for them; a movie that has its origins in the 1970s but is too inept in writing and dialogue to please anyone born before 2000; a movie that is pretty...and stupid. Happy Monday.

Oh, a little update. One of the characters in it is a gay hutt who sounds like Truman Capote and looks like this:



Continue to enjoy your day.

I will never, ever "go full retard"

One of the things I love about this country is our ability to protest anything, anytime, anywhere that we want. I just wish we would choose better things, times, and places than we usually do. Case in point, Timothy Shriver (chairman of the Special Olympics) is calling for a boycott of Tropic Thunder because a film-within-a-film sees Ben Stiller character attempting to earn a Oscar by starring in Simple Jack, in which he plays a mentally disabled individual. The problem is that, when he doesn't win an Oscar, the advice he was given was "Never go full retard." The clever marketing campaign had a full Web site and fake posters (with the tag line "Once upon a time, there was a retard"). The boycott is apparently serious, as The Arc of the United States, The National Down Syndrome Congress, the American Association of People With Disabilities and others are organizing a real protest of the film. This sucks.

The reason this sucks is two-fold: (1) Getting upset at a comedy is always a pointless endeavor. Get mad at Lifetime TV movies and awful dramas that attempt to turn the real struggles of these people into easily digested and wretched stereotypes (which, you know, is the actual joke that's being made with the "never go full retard" comment, as the statement is pointing out the hipocracy of Hollywood for not showing the reality of the subject). (2) This is the kind of "distraction protests" that make a lot of noise but really don't accomplish anything. This is a movie that has Robert Downey Jr undergoing a procedure to turn black. I'm guessing we understand this isn't reality. I totally understand standing up against overt and subtle bigoted behaviors, but there's something about having a sense of humor that makes it all easier to bear. I'm just saying, I think there are probably better ways to show your anger.

Friday Free-For-All

Whaddya mean Christina Aguilera isn't gonna play Wonder Woman?

One of the first online-only writers that I ever gave any credence to was Moriarty over at Aintitcoolnews.com. First of all, he was named after the coolest bad guy not brandishing a laser-sword and talking from a speak and spell, and, second of all, he was (gasp) actually a good writer and pretty frakkin' intelligent. So yesterday, when the big M posted his thoughts on the BS-ness of recent casting rumors and other general spoilers, I had two thoughts: (A) Why would you shit on my Britney Spears as a stripper/murderer prayers and (B) Isn't this the same stuff that, you know, made Aintitcoolnews and all the other movie blog/spoiler sites famous? Sure, he notes at the end that "I’ve run plenty of preposterous rumors myself over the years, sometimes because I was bored and thought they were entertaining, sometimes because they felt like they might have some truth to them, and sometimes just because I wanted to see what the response was as a hypothetical." So what makes these different? I mean, other than giving me the equivalent of a casting sugar high all day, did anybody really believe that Britney and Tarantino were hooking up (I meant for a movie, but actually, let's start the rumor that those two are bumpin' uglies)? As far as his poo-pooing the Johnny Depp as The Riddler and Philip Seymour Hoffman as The Penguin rumors, um, no duh. Again, anyone who seriously believed that a script is in development for a sequel to a movie that hasn't even been out a month yet likely has to budget extra time into their mornings for shoe tying and ensuring they get their pants started in the right direction.

However, what is missed in Moriarty's "buzzkilling" of those crazy rumors is two-fold: Fun and potential. Having a good laugh is important, and when the top sitcom in the US of A stars Charlie Sheen and Jon f'ing Cryer, laughs are hard to come by. Second, you don't think that ridiculous rumors are drummed up by agents/studios/actors/fans to get interest generated in the possibility? I hate the idea of the Penguin on screen again, but Hoffman could be the only guy who could pull it off. And try to tell me Depp isn't picture perfect for The Riddler. Maybe the frenzy will make said agent/actor/studio at least consider it. (Oh, and side-note, Nolan will do another Batman film and you know it, Moriarty. Warner Bros. will back up whatever size truck full of gold bricks, puppies, or hookers Nolan requests or, more realistically, will fund whatever vanity project about Victorian mimes he wants to make...by the way, I loved The Dark Knight, but this is the same director who made Insomnia, right? Just checking). Point is, sometimes these things are floated just to see what happens, so Moriarty's granting of permission to "laugh in the face" of anyone who believes these rumors is totally bugnuts and mean. Don't be mean.

I know this was kind of a weird rant, but blogging everyday and following said crazy rumors means I think a little more about their origins and veracity. I mean, I don't care if they're true, but I do think about it a little more.

Weekend Battle Plan - Ganja or Olympics? Why settle for just one?

In theatres - I know I dogged on Pineapple Express a little for its shift into hyperviolence. Some people, like Devin from Chud, think this was "brilliant" and potentially "subversive." This is incorrect. It's actually poorly done and represents a seriously awful and mindlessly nonentertaining climax to an otherwise hilarious film. Still, I think in hindsight I liked what was good more than I didn't like what was bad. What I'm saying is, if you're going to see a movie this week instead of supporting our young, brave amateur athletes as they quest for gold to represent your couch-sitting ass, you may as well see the movie about the pot-smoking duo running from the boss from Office Space. The ladies (especially the younguns) may like Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants 2, but I don't see why. There's nothing in those pants that hasn't been done before, except maybe Alexis Bliedel. Still, all joking aside, I like that movies targeted toward young women are being made that don't talk down to them. I wish they were better, but it's a start.

That's my recommendation: Pineapple Express unless you want to get your America Ferrera on.

On DVD: Well, Jon really loved The Counterfieters, a movie about a Jewish mafia guy forced to help Nazis make funny money in a prison camp, and your choices are that or Nim's Island, which features Jodie Foster in a kids movie. If this is a tough decision for you, I'm concerned.

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

Wow, I was way off last week. Like, way off. It makes me wonder about the value of doing this when I'm so, so wrong so, so often. Whatever, it ain't like you people pay for this.

1.) The Dark Knight - $25 million

Okay, so it's gonna be a tussle between Seth Rogen and Batman for number one...and I like Seth Rogen, but Batman's way more used to wrestling with dudes. Fact is, I think a lot of people who really wanted to see Pineapple Express saw it on Wednesday. That said, it will still be really close and I'm wrong a lot. So this is probably total crap. Oh well, I'm done-gonna ride this Batmobile 'til the wheels fall off.

2.) Pineapple Express - $24 million

Yeah, I meant really close. I really think that the bulk of the mainstream audience (meaning nonganja enthusiastic) will have a hard time with this one...but who knows, again, I'm bad at this. $24 million will push the total to over $50, which is pretty good for a movie with no stars that was cheaply made.

3.) Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants 2 - $16 million

I can't see it doing better, but it won't be any worse. If it beats The Mummy 3, I'm going to laugh.

4.) The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor - $14 million

Ha, ha! Jet Li is totally going to get beat up by girls. Seriously, this franchise sucks ass and needs to go far, far away.

5.) Mamma Mia! - 9 million

This tally will take it over the $100 million mark and establish it (shortly thereafter) as the biggest movie musical ever. It still has ABBA music and Pierce Brosnan singing, I'm just reminding you.