Friday Free For All

Categorical proof 20th Century Fox sucks ass

Look, I don't own any stock in a major studio (or minor studio...or a studio apartment for that matter), but it's time we called 20th Century Fox out. I'm not talking about their Fox Searchlight shingle, which is run by far more intelligent human beings (in that they have a pulse and do not perpetually wet themselves), but the main studio proper itself is an oozing and festering sore on the face of American culture. Spreading their violent cinema herpes is a giant group of unrepentant assholes hellbent on lowering the standards of decency. It's high time that we call bullshit on their practices and begin questioning the value of ever seeing their films. Don't believe me? What follows is a list of all 2008 releases from the 20th Century Fox studio:

27 Dresses
Meet the Spartans
Jumper
Shutter
Nim's Island
Street Kings
Deception
What Happens in Vegas
The Happening
Meet Dave
Space Chimps
X-Files: I Want to Believe
Mirrors
The Rocker
Babylon AD
City of Ember
Max Payne
Australia
The Day the Earth Stood Still
Marley and Me

I didn't enjoy a single one of those films and wouldn't have gone to any had I not been required to by this job. Seriously, that list reads like a catalog of things that make your pee burn. Are you kidding me? Look at that list, just look at it. Well over a billion dollars in production and distribution were spent to bring you that. How are they still in business?! Throw in their mistreatment of intelligent properties (which they are notorious for ruining) and you have the greatest evildoer not currently stroking a white cat. And what does this producer of festering eye sores have for us this year? Well, after Bride Wars, which already landed like a thunderpunch to the scrotum, they have the following slate lined up for distribution this year:

Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakuel
They Came from Upstairs
Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian
X-Men Origins: Wolverine
12 Rounds
Dragonball Evolution
Miss March
All About Steve
Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li
Unstoppable
S Darko

That last one is a sequel to Donnie Darko starring Elizabeth Berkley from "Saved by the Bell." Yes, really. This whole rant was prompted by their douche move (to follow the douche move of suing WB for Watchmen rights) of trying to block Emily Blunt (google and drool) from being The Black Widow in the next Iron Man movie...so that she can star opposite Jack Black in a new Gulliver's Travels. Again, yes really. This isn't going to stop unless we make it. I will give their movies themselves a fair chance when I review them, because I know that stars and directors are trying their best no matter the studio. But you don't have to. Stop this tyranny. Down with Fox!!!!

Weekend Battle Plan: In that I assume you'll spend all day Saturday reading up on the Arizona Cardinals

Well, well, well, it's Superbowl weekend (finally) and that means I have just about 6 months to begin worrying how badly my Bears will suck next year. Now, traditionally, this is one of the more quiet weekends of the year box office wise, with most studios trying to avoid releasing anything that might tempt testosterone, since all of it will be used eating guacamole and shouting at the television. This year, however, Liam Neeson will have none of it. He's coming at you hardcore, waving his giant, giant fists in the air and demanding that you pay attention to his really intense glares and stabby motions. Taken is targeting the teens (no serious gore) and testes-carriers with its intense yelling and kidnappy happenings. Maggie Grace is in it, and she's totally untalented but hot...and 26 and playing a 17-year-old, but whatever, girl needs work. Also opening is a film with the girl with the look of perpetual execution (Renee Zellweger), who stopped taking straight shots of lemon long enough to squint her way through a formulaic romantic comedy with Harry Connick Jr who, as it happens, is not dead. The movie has a name, but it's so generic you won't remember, so if you want to ask for a ticket at the box office, just ask for one to see "Dogshit Haircut." There's also The Uninvited, which I would dismiss outright if America didn't somewhat flock to see the Unborn, which was also a sucky horror movie starting with "un." Really though, take the weekend off. You've seen all the good movies you want, these suck, and you're going to watch 5 hours of football on Sunday.

That's my recommendation: Do nothing.

On DVD: I keep recommending Vicky Cristina Barcelona because they keep moving the effing thing back in the releases. Still need to see it if you haven't on account of the nekkin' between hotties. If you like Brit capers, check out Rocknrolla or just rewatch Snatch (aka, the last time Guy Ritchie made a real effort). If you want something more high brow, they released a Roman Polanski documentary that is really intriguing. Other than that, see recommendation above.

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Prediction

Much like Sissiphus who knows what will happen to the boulder every time he starts up the effing hill, I'm back and ready to crack! We all know that this week will be smaller than Kevin James's IQ, but the question is, just how low do we go? Last week, I was screwed by Dogs...wait, that doesn't sound right...this week, I will likely be done in by Zellweger (I don't know which is grosser). The question is really whether Hotel for Dogs will beat Underworld. I know I'm going to be wrong...again.

1.) Taken - $14 million

Of this much I'm sure, people are going to make this the week the reign of Blart is over. With the PG-13 rating attracting the kiddies (who by now HAVE to have had their fatty falls down fun), I think this will surge to a fairly easy win. By the power of Liam Neeson's giant head, you WILL go see this film and make it number one. Don't make the Scotsman slap you with his enormous hand! An astute reader (ohmygodohmygod, this blog has a reader...and he/she is ASTUTE!) pointed out that Neeson is IRISH not SCOTTISH. I have been misstating his origins for decades. So, duly noted, Neeson comes from a long line of IRISH gigantic humans. My bad.

2.) The Uninvited - $12.5 million

This could slip below Blart but won't surge above Taken. To be fair, for a movie that nobody has really heard of, starring nobody anybody recognizes (sorry Elizabeth Banks, I'll hold you tight if you need comforting), this is a pretty decent finish.

3.) Paul Blart: Mall Cop - $12 million

F#*k this movie. I'm over it.

4.) Gran Torino - $11 million

You know who will go see a movie despite it being super bowl weekend? Yep, older people. And do you know what older people love besides good hugs and hard candy? Yep, Clint Eastwood. This should become his top grossing film EVER. Imagine that.

5.) Hotel for Dogs - $9 million

I'm going to say this juuuust edges out Underworld and that squinty girl movie, on the ground that everyone who wanted to see the former already did and nobody wants to see the latter. Kids still want to go to the movies and this is really their only choice. Of course, all this thinking and it will result in nothing. Just watch.

Quick clips for Thursday January 29

I'll say it again: So long as he really lights his head on fire

Look, I could dance around this or I could just come right out and say it: Nic Cage wants to make Ghost Rider 2. Yes, it's real. Bloodydisgusting.com broke this latest sign of the apocalypse just yesterday and...and I want you to look on the bright side. See, right now it's just a concept Cage is pushing with no writer attached (I know, that didn't stop them last time). So, I guess there's a chance, however small, that this may not happen....okay, we all know this thing is going to happen. Boy, that tiny wave of optimism sure crested fast. Well then, let's come up with some things that suck worse than the idea of Ghost Rider 2 to make ourselves feel better.

1. Stepping in water while wearing a dry sock
2. Scarlett Johansson's singing career
3. When someone says to you "hey, smell this and tell me if you think it's bad"
4. Teenagers
5. Being the agent assigned to get George W Bush speaking engagements
6. Attending a George W Bush speaking engagement
7. Rex Grossman
8. All other Nic Cage movies
9. Elevator flatulence
10. Anything that ends with "in the City"

There, don't we feel better? Well, feel free to submit your own or you'd best get to setting yourself on fire then.

Don't worry, The Green Hornet may still happen...and may include Adam Sandler

What a difference a few days make: Lots of places (including here) are now reporting that The Green Hornet's demise (much like rumors about what that one girl in high school was willing to do) was greatly exaggerated. Now, Stephen Chow's involvement is all shades of up in the air (which is sad, because I know of few others who could be Kato...say it with me now "please God no Chan, please God no Chan"), including whether or not he's stepping behind or in front of the camera. But don't you worry, reports are confirming that the movie is still going forward and that Adam Sandler has a cameo as another superhero. Wait, hold on, vomit is knocking on the uvula...and choking it back, thinking of gumdrops and happy times, thinking of Bears making the playoffs next year, thinking of Lisa Rinna, oh God vomit returning, vomit advancing its front to the throat-al area, and....okay, we're back. Chud.com has a few theories about who Assam Sadler may play, including The Lone Ranger (who was revealed to be the Green Hornet's grandfather, no shit). I think that seems most likely, as any other choice would ruin a potential use of that superhero in another movie. Because once you've been portrayed by Assam, nobody else wants to play you. I guess this also gives insight into that whole "funny vs serious" thing people have been debating about the movie. Yes, Sandler has played serious, but no way he cameos as a serious superhero when he's currently got the physique of a rotting pear.

Lost Recap: "Jughead"

Wanna know what pure joy looks like? See my face during the line reading "Put the gun down, Widmore." I peed a little (okay, a lot).

Well, well, well my friends, "Lost" is back in a big way and isn't pissing away any episodes so far this season (although, I am a little worried about next week's "give us the baby, Kate" "we've gotta go back to the island, guys" "trust me even though I'm Ben" episode...we've kinda been exploring those ideas for a long time now, surprise me). As someone out there put it, "this would have been the Jack's tattoo episode a few years ago." Instead, we get a ball-rocking Desmond episode that introduces us to some severely cool shiz-nit (including said drool-inducing moment mentioned at the top). Oh, and I missed just about every prediction for the episode other than the building sex-tension between Sawyer and Juliet. Set your doink-countdown clocks. Okey-dokey, let's do this all organized and stuff.

Things that happened (and we learned) in "Jughead:"

1. Desmond and Penny have a baby and name it Charlie. I'm not going to make you wait for an entire episode to find out that name like the writers did because I just assume you could figure it out right away. Oh, I thought it was sweet, on account of the heroin-addled rocker giving his life for the two of them to reunite (although, creepy because its the same name as her evil pappa).
2. Desmond is intent on acting on the new memory from Farraday. This leads to an interesting side note, how cool is the whole creating new memories thing. I am not sure how the science mumbo jumbo behind it works, but I don't care. I like that they do something NOW and someone gets an instant memory. It rules. Anyway, Des wants to find Farraday's mammy (more on her later) and goes to Oxford. What? No Farraday has ever worked there?! Right silly secretary lady, we know better.
3. Meanwhile, back on the island, we find out that Richard is like really, really good at aging because he looks 30 in 1954 AND in 2008. A bunch of "others" snag Miles, Farraday, and redhead with the too-small face for her head and accuse them of being American soldiers, which makes me think that Richard is dumber than I thought. He mentions the giant swinging hydrogen bomb that needs to be disarmed, Farraday says he will but he can't and reveals he's in love with tiny face (who is totally dying of time sickness).
4. Des finds Farraday's old lab, hears about "what Farraday did to that poor girl," finds said poor girl in a coma state, discovers (as usual) it's all about Widmore, marches into his in-laws pad, demands Farraday's mammy's address (and gets it), and Widmore gives him a cryptic and ominous warning to stay away (he's genuinely afraid that someone, cough Ben cough, is going to off Penny). Des returns and tells Pen (eventually) that they're headed to LA too (which is where Farraday's moms, Sun, Jack, Ben, Locke's corpse, Kate, Aaron, Hurley, and Sayid are....nobody still gives a shit about Walt).
5. On the island, Farraday notices that the 16-year-old gal with the gun looks familiar. Her name is Ellie...short for Eloise? The name of his rat, which was likely named after...HIS MOM! Yeah, lots of people are calling this one, gun-toting tot is totally his moms. Oh, and Widmore was an other and Locke met him. Actually, I skipped my favorite scene (no, not small-face bleeding from her nose), it was Locke saying to Alpert that he's going to be born and that he should train him.
   

See what's happening here is that we're getting the means by which to answer questions or at least speculate definitive theories. Remember for years how we're all like "how did whoever is orchestrating this get all those people on the plane together?" and "how do the others know everything about these guys?" We know now. Just like Locke told Richard to find out about him (which explains Richard's visit to a child Locke...and his question about "what is his" of the items he placed in front of the kid, as Locke will likely leave something behind at some point), now we know that the reason the others could know everything about the plane victims was because they were following them for their whole lives. They are tipped to their names in the past, so they know to pay attention to them. Hell, even the "list" that Ben and the others were using in the first two seasons makes sense. The ones on the "list" are the ones who they know about given the time travel stuff. The other big thing is the bomb. You know damn well that's coming back into play here. I'm hoping it isn't the series finale that they destroy the island, but I smell a season finale boom-boom coming. Now, there are still questions I don't know: who is Jacob? Why does Locke have to die off the island? How does coming back actually fix everything? But things are moving people. I'm going to go ahead and say next week's episode won't be quite as good, but you know I'm counting down the seconds.

Quick clips for Wednesday January 28

This is really just an excuse to post a Rob Liefeld drawing

I could list about a million reasons why Chud.com is MUST read every day for me (ranging from the frequent invocation of Nazis waterskiing, to their repeated assertion that fans of Twilight be brutally and publicly savaged). Today's reason is this: In reporting that Will Smith is being targeted for a futuristic adaptation of the story of Samson and Delilah by director Francis Lawerence, the gang at Chud (to give credit where it is due, a message board member named Abbott & Prospero), they showed me this:

Tell me, what does a cyber kick to the eye feel like? That drawing was for Liefeld's proposed comic book of the old testament. No shit. My favorite is the note that says he based the drawing on Will Smith....um, in that he's black? I have no possible clue what other feature would be inspired by the Fresh Prince or his wife, who I guess is the red-headed chick wearing half of a crystal ball on her head? I mean, at least she doesn't have a feather duster glued to her cranium like her hubby does or have his manhood covered by a long placemat. Sigh, whatever could have resulted in the demise of Liefeld's career as a comic artist? Don't tell me it involves a desire to see anything resembling the accurate anatomy of a human being, because if I'm going to see an illustration, I want the legs gloriously and hideously out of proportion. That's all I will accept. Anyway, with that illustration in mind, suck on the fact that a couple of schmucks pitched Warner Brothers on a futuristic take of the strong guy whose power is in his hair (or feather duster, if the image above is inspiration) and got seven figures for it. Just a friendly reminder that in this economy, you're the only one who is frakked.

How long must a man wait for a fool to be pitied?

After John Singleton failed to deliver an "A-Team" adaptation that successfully included both the yin of a grumpy tough guy with a fear of flying with the yang of a group of mercenaries who somehow only shoot tires and engine blocks, he was dumped worse than a guy who yells the wrong name during whoopee. Cue Joe Carnahan, who Variety says has been brought in to provide a flick that is somehow faithful to the original characters and more action based. Ridley and Tony Scott are producing, and you know what, I'll be damned if I'm not happy about all of this. Bear with me here: I know popular sentiment is that remakes suck (they do) and that tinkering with the success of what made said older property famous is usually a recipe for disaster (so is my recipe for "Hot-to-Trot Salmonella bread). That said, despite an affinity for the A-team (specifically Hannibal and his "plans), I recognize how crappy it was, how flimsy the idea was, and how potentially fun it could be. And I'll be damned if Carnahan isn't kind-of sort-of the right guy to do it. More action is more better, moving them from Vietnam vets to Gulf vets just makes sense, and you know they're keeping the six things that matter (BA's fear of flying, Face's nailing of ladies, Murdock's craziness, Hannibal's plans, the van, and the song). Now, let the casting rumors begin: I'm going to call one or two outright: Murdock will be Ryan Reynolds (which I'm cool with) and BA will be Michael Clarke Duncan (but it should be Ving Rhames). What about Harrison Ford as Hannibal (he'd do it, he needs the cash) and Ryan Gosling as Face? I'm good at this. At any rate, I'm going to go hum the theme song for the rest of the afternoon.

Lost blog: Predictions for "Jughead"

For those unfamiliar with my obsession, Wednesdays are dedicated to little else beyond my watching of "Lost," my thinking of watching "Lost," my theorizing about "Lost," and my blogging about "Lost." Don't believe me? I was sick Monday so my week was thrown off, thus it feels like Tuesday to me. This morning, while in the shower, I realized it was Wednesday and actually verbally exclaimed "Oh my God, 'Lost' is on tonight." My wife ran in and yelled "are you okay, I heard you say 'Oh my God.'" And there you have it, that's the depths of my obsession.

I used to do recaps and previews on the same day, but I like the freedom of doing a recap on Thursday and a preview on Wednesday, so that's what we're doing. Without further ado, I present: Things I think will happen in "Jughead."

1.) We're going to see Desmond reunite with Ms. Hawkings (aka, the creepy white-haired, candle lighting, pendulum swinging, Ben-conspiring-with time wench). Now that we know Ben is working with the shebeast, we know she's not to be trusted...or is she? Okay, now comes the first of many Ryan side-note diatribes...remember waaaaay back when Ben told Jack and the gang that "we're the good guys." I have, for awhile now, wondered how true this is. Yes, he's creepy (partially because God gave him buggy eyes), yes he lies, but he also went down and pushed the donkey wheel and exiled himself from the island...and he loved his daughter. What if...what if he's "good" and Widmore is the real evil? Just saying, it's possible.

2.) We're still not going to see Walt and nobody is going to point out that he should "go back" to the island too. I saw the actor who played him in a pizza pocket commercial yesterday, so he's probably free if the producers want to go ahead and wrap that storyline up.

3.) If you aren't reading Doc Jensen at EW and are instead just reading me...shame on you. That guy is THE BEST at what he does...and he draws some INSANE conclusions about tonight's episode...just insane. So, my prediction is that you are going to check that shit out right now.

4.) Sayid will wake from his coma and kill someone. Preferably not Cheech.

5.) Farraday and Desmond will cross paths again. I'm thinking still in the past for Desmond but in the present for Farraday.

6.) I think we're going to be introduced more to this season's big climax in the form of the "window" that Ms. Hawkings was discussing. We're going to be building to that moment of "convergence."

7.) We're going to find out that two characters that we didn't know were connected are connected. I don't know who, but my gut tells me we're going to get a "holy crap" moment tonight.

8.) I'm going to love this episode because it's Desmond-centric. Oh, another prediction, this show HINGES on Desmond. His specialness is crucial.

9.) These guesses have been weak, so I'm going to go on a limb on this one and say we see Smokey tonight and find out something huge about it.

10.) We're going to see the first tiny inklings of Sawyer/Juliet hooking up. It's gonna happen, dudes a sex dynamo, that energy has to go somewhere.

That's it, I invite your comments and predictions and tune back in tomorrow for a recap!

Quick clips for Tuesday January 27

Weekend Box Office Results: Ink farted, got Blarted

Well, well, well, looks like we haven't seen the last of the Blart. I'm just going to blame my illness over the last week or so on fatty-falls-down: the movie, because I seemed to catch (and long for) my death right as His Royal Fatness inched his way to the top. Seriously, this thing is going to cruise (or ooze) its way into the hundred-million dollar club, the only club besides Weight Watchers that would have him (no, I'm not going to stop, apparently people find this sort of humor hysterical enough to shell out $10 bucks to see and hear it, so I'm not stopping until my fatty-fat-fat-fat mockery takes me straight to the top of the blog world...wait, I'm being told that nobody wants to actually be atop the blog world). The other big news is that Inkheart wet the bed worse that Kevin James due to his bladder compression issues. You'll note Inkheart is not in the top 5 (and you'll note my score subsequently crumbled because of that. You'd think I'd blame Brandon Fraser for this, but we all know who to blart).

Here's how it went:

1.) Paul Blart: Mall Cop - $21.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 80%)

Close your eyes and think about what you've done. "Coming this summer, America's favorite fatty-fat-failure is back, and ready to fall into shit again. This time, fatty mcfatterson is on a cruise ship and must prevent a group of terrorists from dumping a horrible chemical into the ocean that will cause everyone to fart. That's right, in 2010, it's time for Paul Blart 2: Blart Fart." I hope you never sleep again.

2.) Underworld: Rise of the Lycans - $21 million (Accuracy of prediction - 85%)

Man, werewolves and vampires can do no wrong, can they? Wait! I got it, what about a comedy in which FAT werewolves fight FAT vampires and then it turns into a love story where sad teenagers speak in cliches like "My soul may be immortal, but my heart will die with you" and then someone can fall down. God, I'm good at this.

3.) Gran Torino - $16 million (Accuracy of prediction - 84%)

Sure, it's up over $100 million now, but Clint Eastwood's eyesight is so bad, he thinks it took in a billion. Don't worry, everybody just told him it was number one, then sang him gently to sleep.

4.) Hotel for Dogs - $13 million (Accuracy of prediction - 0%)

Whew, for a minute there, I thought a dog movie wasn't going to do well. Man, that was close. The film only dropped 24% in its second week, which is one of the best holdovers of recent weeks. You're still on the hook for this Cheadle.

5.) Slumdog Millionaire - $11 million (Accuracy of prediction - 95%)

At least we close with a feelgood story. Sure, we start with Blart, but we end with the only dog movie I can tolerate (on account of it not featuring actual dogs). This future best picture winner deserves the acclaim, huzzah!

Overall accuracy of prediction - 69%

Not bad for getting screwed by a dog again...wait, that didn't sound right.

1985 has a great idea

Variety is reporting that James Nederlander (the coolest last name that isn't Fingerflanger) has acquired the rights to make a Thriller movie. You heard me right, Thriller. As in Michael Jackson (scary on purpose), Vincent Price, crappy zombie costumes, and tons of dancing (often imitated by inmates). Wow. Just...wow. I will say this much, all joking aside, it will do a ton of money if it does just one thing: punt everything else and keep werewolves fighting zombies. I don't know why this hasn't been done before. I mean, sure, this Thriller adaptation will likely follow singing or dancing and/or a Vincent Price impression, but consider the box office potential of werewolves fighting zombies. I mean, suddenly, this thing is writing itself. I know that wasn't the point of the Wacko Jacko video, but you have to admit how cool it sounds. Ooooh, oooh! What about a werewolf who gets turned INTO a zombie? Can you be a werewolf zombie? Hell, why the eff not! And you could get Jackson to do an entirely new album about it, because (let's face it) he ain't doing anything else these days. Here's the funny thing about this entire post, all of these things are going to happen. There will be a Thriller movie. There will (either with Thriller or independently) be a zombies vs werewolves movie. There will be a new Michael Jackson album (how is this last one the least likely). At any rate, I just went back and told my 9-year-old self that this was going to happen and he was really excited.

Why does God hate The Green Hornet

If you listen to certain radio stations, you'll find that God hates a whole bunch more stuff than you thought he did. The only one I know for sure is that he LOATHES the idea of a Green Hornet movie. Hitflix is reporting that Sony has shelved the project...again. Follow the saga of the dying hornet: The film died in the 1990s when it was originally conceived, died again when Kevin Smith wussied out, then died again when Seth Rogen brought on Stephen Chow. How pissed is Rogen, who dropped a ton of weight for the role? I'm hoping not at all, because he looks good now. I'm not saying that I really care if there's a Green Hornet movie. At one point, when comic book adaptations were somewhat rare (I know, it seems like never ago, but it was that way before the last 10 years), I would have been outraged that someone stepped on a masked man. Now....meh. I could really care less. I mean, I'm vaguely interested to see what Rogen is capable of playing against type. I know he has talent as a stoner, but what about his ability to play deeper or more physical roles? Hey, now that Rogen has slimmed down, do you think he'd be willing to kick Kevin James's ass for me?

No blog - Me sick

I've been hacking and wheezing, snotting and feverish, restless and insomnia-ridden. I'm not at work, I just barely woke up. My throat has knives in it and it feels like there's a little person sitting on my chest. I'm not blogging. I'm barely moving. I shall now return to my womb of a bed. See you tomorrow...oh, and I'm not saying it's related but Paul Blart was the number one movie again.

Friday free for all

What the chipmunks hath wrought

On this, the last day of the week that Blart built, we are given the following news reported across all major media outlets and this blog: They're making a goddamn Tom and Jerry movie...and not just any Tom and Jerry movie, a live-action Tom and Jerry movie intended to launch a franchise. So, basically, three movies in which a half-wit cat chases a clever and mean-spirited mouse. Enjoy the morality lesson kids: hit stupid things in the face with frying pans and try to consume those smaller than you. The reason I bring this up on this the week of our Blart, is to point something out to you: Movies are made because they have audiences. Why is there going to be a Tom and Jerry movie? Because people will SEE a Tom and Jerry movie (or, more accurately, three Tom and Jerry movies). When you make Alvin and the Chipmunks a huge hit, not only does Jason Lee thank you for allowing him to continue his lifestyle of being rich and famous while looking like he finds roadkill delicious, but studios begin to believe that there's a market for that kind of crap. Scarier still, there appears to be a market for this type of crap. To put it another way, if Slumdog Millionaire crosses $100 million, all of a sudden a bunch of smaller romantic dramas will get picked up for distribution or greenlit. Honest, they will. However, if you Blart it up this weekend, you get Tom Pencildick: Metermaid starring Rob Schneider. Actually, I'm going to go turn that idea into a three picture deal at Miramax. Hell, if they put out The Reader, they'll make anything. Point is: Be careful out there, you don't know the power you wield.

Weekend battle plan: Same crap, different date

I'm beginning to sound like a broken record but, the new releases suck so you should probably seek out older ones. I know, I know, but seriously, I can't in good conscience recommend Inkheart (the latest Brendan Fraser special-effects waste of brain cells) or Underworld: Rise of the Lycans (more. goddamn. werewolves. fighting. vampires.). Seriously, I've had enough of both of these types of films: Inkheart is Bedtime Stories with unicorns and Helen Mirren, which should count for something but doesn't, and Underworld features 100% less Kate Beckinsale in pleather. There's a chance you haven't seen all of the best picture nominees (pleaseohplease let you have missed The Reader), so you want to beef up on that. We're talking Milk, Frost/Nixon, Button, or Slumdog, which you really would like (honest). That said, I have some measure of hope for the following week, in that Taken looks like it could be old-school thriller-fun. Maybe not, but it HAS to be better than Blart or either of these two turds.

That's my recommendation: Stay home and watch "Battlestar Galactica." Wait, what was that? Oh, you heard me, I didn't mention how incredibly awesome that first episode back was. "Lost" was a good reentry into the world, but "B-Star" dropped the hammer, giving you the answer to the biggest remaining mystery in the FIRST EPISODE BACK. Plus, I'm still confused as frak as to how they end this thing. Yeah, yeah, if you're going to see a movie fine, go see Slumdog, but if you're staying in and being smart, just "B-star" it up tonight. They could use the ratings love.

On DVD: Why, it's "Battlestar Galactica!" Again, I could bullshit around and recommend City of Ember or Appaloosa (just so you can hear Ed Harris singing...seriously), but the truth is, you should start your assault on catching up with this show. The miniseries is optional...informative, but not 100% necessary and a little off-putting if you aren't ALREADY a fan of the show. I say, start with season 1, relish that first episode, then go back and watch the miniseries. You HAVE to do this at some point anyway, it's cold outside this weekend and there's no football or anything good in the theaters. Don't tell me you're going to read or do some kind of housework, I know you are lying. GO RENT "B-STAR!"

Fearless, flawless box office predictions

Well, well, well, we meet again Mr. Blart. Last time you out maneuvered me, on account of me forgetting how much people love their fart jokes and fatty-fatty-fall down jokes. Not this time, I'm ready for you. My crusade to use your name as any kind of expletive, verb, or adjective is working, as I convinced the blarting blarts at my blart to blart. This may be the hardest blarting week for me to blart the predictions, on account of the blarting number of Oscar contenders, the new movies (which suck blart), and the holdovers (Blart). But brave men must blart if blarting men really want to blart. Blart.

Here's how I see it:

1.) Underworld: Rise of the Lycans - $19 million

Sure, this will likely end up second to a certain film that has been mentioned here and there, but my guess is that the teenagers buoyed the fatty to number one last week, but would much prefer werewolves fighting vampires with hot chicks involved. Oh, it's a tough call, fatty fatty falldown versus hottie mcsucksyourblood, but I think the latter wins.

2.) Paul Blart: Mall Cop - $17 million

Holy blart! I can't blarting believe the blart of this blart. Okay, I'm done. No more.

3.) Inkheart - $15 million

Helen Mirren will ride your unicorn, but she won't like it. That isn't a euphemism, she actually rides a unicorn in this. What did you think I meant? Perverts.

4.) Gran Torino - $14 million

Gramps has still got it goin' on, with this flick set to fly past $100 million. Well, it's Eastwood, so more like slowly saunter with an arthritic pace past $100 million. Impressive on both counts.

5.) Slumdog Millionaire - $10 million

Smart money says, Hotel for Dogs or Notorious will get this spot. But I am not smart and I have no money. I like the idea of this film doing well, it's now got Oscar blessing. Let's make it happen people. Redeem your blart.

Quick clips for Thursday January 22

Win some, lose some, eff the popular vote

If ever there was a week in which I would be willing to throw out the will of the people, it is a week in which Paul Blart: Mall Cop was the overwhelming people's choice at the box office (although, should Kevin James's life end on the tip of a pointed People's Choice Award, it was all worth it). Still, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences are bound and determined to suck all interest out of their little song-and-dance show, leaving audiences to watch shows like the one that has that racist mom setting her kids up with skanks. Why leave The Dark Knight out in favor of The Reader, a movie so catastrophically stupid, so unfathomably reprehensible and without any scrap of merit? Why? Because it features the Holocaust, Kate Winslet's yum yums, and aging makeup. It has all the trappings of a Best Picture nominee, but on the inside its filled with dookie. This also means that, no matter how good or relevant or critically well-received a superhero film is, it can't and won't be nominated for Oscar, same for WALL-E and animated movies. That means those movies will never have the chance to join such luminaries as Shakespeare in Love, Crash, or going back a ways The Greatest Show on Earth. Seriously, you guys are dill-holes and I kind of hate you for ignoring Chris Nolan and Batman, not because I'm a nerd, but because I think you guys did it out of some misguided principle that has resulted in your ceremony being almost impossible to defend. The Reader? Shit, I could have gotten behind Gran Torino or Hotel for Dogs before that pile. Anyway, let's see how I did with my predictions and talk about the surprises.

Best Supporting Actress (Accuracy of prediction - 80%)

Amy Adams
Penelope Cruz
Viola Davis
Taraji Henson
Marisa Tomei

If there's a trend to notice, it's me getting 80% across the board. The one I didn't call was Davis, because I figured they'd go with just one from Doubt. The surprise is that the Academy (who we've addressed as being blart-tastic) saw through Mirimax's clever ruse and slapped down Winslet's argument that The Reader was her "supporting role." She was in it like 80% of the time and was the headliner. Sorry kiddo. So, not really a "surprise, surprise" but moderately intriguing.

Best Supporting Actor (Accuracy of prediction - 80%)

Josh Brolin
Robert Downey Jr
Philip Seymour Hoffman
Heath Ledger
Michael Shannon

Yeah, that last spot was wide open. Nobody thought it would go to Shannon really, but whatever. He's just about as deserving as Franco. Cool on Downey Jr though, completing his comeback year. Plus, it takes a LOT to get nominated for a comedy. Do you think this will usher in a new era of blackface? Hollywood IS a copycat town. I smell a new Kevin James movie....Most boring category on account of already knowing the winner.

Best Actress (Accuracy of prediction - 60%)

Anne Hathaway
Angelina Jolie
Melissa Leo
Meryl Streep
Kate Winslet

Well, this is Winslet's year. Finally. To me, this is the most shocking category, on account of Sally Hawking's snub. Thought for sure she'd get the nod and challenge Winslet. Without her, it's just Hathaway and Streep to worry about, and Hathaway is seen as young enough to have more chances and FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MERYL STREEP NEEDS NO MORE AWARDS OF ANY KIND. EVER. She shouldn't win a politeness citation from her neighborhood watch. Enough already.

Best Actor (Accuracy of Prediction - 80%)

Richard Jenkins
Frank Langella
Sean Penn
Brad Pitt
Mickey Rourke

Okay, so I got the surprise but figured it would be Pitt left out of the race, not Eastwood. My God, does the Academy realize that they COULD have nominated Eastwood and didn't? They're going to be soooo embarrassed when they realize it.

Best Director (Accuracy of Prediction - 80%)

David Fincher
Ron Howard
Gus Van Sant
Stephen Daldry
Danny Boyle

Thankfully, this is Boyle's award. However, in the off chance that the Chris Nolan-spot stealing Stephen Daldry wins, I'm kicking his British ass. Seriously, that movie was THAT bad. It was enough to make me punch a Brit in the face.

Best Picture (Accuracy of prediction - 80%)

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Frost/Nixon
Milk
The Reader
Slumdog Millionaire

So legitimately mad about The Dark Knight thing. The Reader just suck so very, very, very bad. Why? Why do this? Oh well, at least we all know it's going to Slumdog, right? RIGHT? RIGHT?!?!?!?!?!

Overall accuracy - 77%

More a testimony to the predictability than my guessing skills. I will say that our fine publication reviewed three of the Documentary nominees (Man on Wire, Trouble the Water [we even interviewed the directors], and Encounters at the End of the World [Herzog for life bitches]). As far as overall love goes, Button has 13 and Slumdog has 10 (but Slumdog will win twice as many as Button, just watch). Overall, some surprises, but not too many, should be a walk in the Slumdog park in a few weeks!

Because You Left/The Lie

Okay, here's how this is gonna work. Like it or not on this film blog, "Lost" is a part of my religion. We're going to talk about it every Thursday (and Wednesday) during the next 16 weeks. Don't like it? That's what the back button your browser is for. So, considering that if you read this blog, you probably like "Lost" (or would if you haven't seen it), get on board folks. Let's do this thing:

Previously, on "Lost":

I ain't about to go all "clip show" on you and recap the last four seasons (or even the season finale of last year, really). However, here's some things we needed to remember: (1) Jack is a pill-popping suicide enthusiast, (2) Kate be raisin' Claire's spawn Aaron, even though she done know she ain't supposedta, (3) Locke is Jeremy Benthem, an alias he used while off the island in the "real world," (4) Jeremy Benthem, aka Locke, aka baldie mcgee, aka crippidly crip is dead (ish), (5) Ben and Sayid were working together but Sayid then remembered that Ben is a big bag of douche, (6) Sayid went to rescue Hurley from the mental institution, (7) Jack wants to go back to the island, (8) Sun is pissssed about Jin turning into a human pop tart (oh yeah, Jin's a human pop tart) and blames two people for his death (more on that later), (9) the island went wooshie-gone, somewhere in time, taking with it the people who weren't on the boat, (10) my God this show is fun.

Okay, things to note about the double dip of "Because You Left" and "The Lie":

1. These were, obviously I thought, two separate episodes awkwardly wedged together in the same place (sort of like Kevin James putting on his pants...no, I'm not letting it go). The first epi was ball quakingly awesome (almost "Battlestar Galactica-esque"), the second was okay-to-good.
2. Okay, some actual stuff, Kate gets a nastygram from two lawyers (the second dude was crreeeeepppy, to the point where the first dude just refers to him as "my associate," dude, if you say someone is "your associate" that's German for "he gonna break hisself inside of your face"). They are working for "someone" (Ben) who has some interest (Ben) in having Kate run (Ben), which she did. Lord, I missed looking at Evangeline Lilly.
3. Jack and Ben form a plan of sorts, which consists of taking Locke's corpse-sicle back to the island along with the Oceanic six. Step one is, flush Jack's pills. Steps two to three look to be watch Jack sweat and yell. So, you know, the usual.
4. Meanwhile, Sayid and Hurley are running around from the cops and from Ben's people (or what we presume to be Ben's people...or Widmore's people). Whoever they were chasing the two, Sayid kills them with (favorite line of the night from Hurley) his ninja moves and spy stuff. Note: As has been mentioned by me in every recap ever, I could watch 2 hours of a show called "Sayid Kicks Your Ass." He killed a dude with a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER. You saw the knife and were like, oh, he's gonna put that knife in that guy and then, whammo, he puts the guy on many knives IN THE DISHWASHER. I love you Sayid.
5. Meanwhile, on the island we get the most answers. The island is slipping in time, as Farraday says "like a skipping record." Every so often it goes back and forth. The people on it are in the present one moment, then the past, then the future? This answers some SERIOUS stuff (more on this below) and also gave us the coolest mythology stuff of the night. Locke sees Yemi's plane crash, meets Ethan, talks to Alpert (who tells him he'll have to die to save the island), and then returns to his group in typical Locke fashion, by putting a knife in someone.
6. The only other major (and I do mean major) events and reveals were Farraday meeting Desmond again in the past (in order to try and save the redhead whose face is too small for her head from dying of time sickness) and his instructions to Desmond to go to Oxford and find Farraday's momma (who is totally the old chick that Desmond saw in his time travel shenanigans). Oh, and Ben knows her...go figure.

Okay, now onto the speculations and what I think this mess means (including some predictions)

1. First and foremost, GOD I LOVE THIS SHOW.
2. Okay, moving on. GOD I LOVE EVANGELINE LILLY.
3. Sorry, for real this time. GOD I LOVE SAYID.
4. Okay, now I'm done. The coolest thing was how they are bringing answers together but letting US do some of the work. I personally think they answered the four-toed statue last night: The island hops back and forth in time, the man-made things on the island come and go with it. When Sayid and company saw the statue, it was right around the time the sky turned purple. There you go, answer given. Also, the fact that Ben told Jack that once they go to the island they aren't coming back, that gives me the answer to the whole "Adam and Eve" bones thing. It's either Kate and Jack or Kate and Sawyer's bones they found (again, per the loopy time stuff).
5. I think it's obvious the other person Sun blames besides Ben for Jin's death is Jack (who actually is kind of to blame). So it should be fun to watch those two convince her to return to the island (sort of like convincing me to blart).

Okay, now time for some theories.

1. Theory number one: Desmond is the most central figure on the show. He's the most "special." Locke and Walt are also "special" as they were searching for them. It has to do with their ability to endure time travel. Think about it, what Walt did was always assumed to be telekinesis or something...what if it was just time travel? Going back to warn Locke after he's been shot in the gut in the grave - time travel. The predicting rain - time travel. I guess the bird thing is tougher to explain, but that could just be creepy. I think that's what the "special people" are. Plus, Jack ISN'T one of the special people. Cool, huh. Desmond is the key to the show.
2. Theory number two: By the way, how cool is the whole no flashbacks, really makes for a different show. Anyway, Doc Jensen at Entertainment Weekly pointed out how the "ghosts" like Anna Lucia and Charlie may actually be people caught in time. The idea being, if some decisions are made in the past on the island, they live. If not, they die. I like this theory a lot. So much so...I think it explains the show. They aren't in "purgatory." They're very much alive...but they shouldn't be. They SHOULD be dead, except the island saved them almost accidentally. Thus, if they are in the "real world," they throw everything off. They have to either die or return to the island. Period. Plus, I'd like to point out one major thing the show and Ben seems to have forgotten: Walt got off the island and needs to go back too.
3. Theory number three: The island is a home for wayward souls. It collects people who should otherwise die but can offer great things to the world. I predict an optimistic take on the show, the Dharma initiative being something almost positive and good, saving the world. By the way, how cool was the Marvin Candle stuff?! So great.
   

That's it for now, next Wednesday I'll do some predictions for the next episode and recaps on Thursdays. I'm living in a world with a new U2 single, Barack Obama in "Amazing Spiderman," and "Lost" and "Battlestar Galactica" back on TV. Tears. Of. Joy.

Quick clips for Wednesday January 21

But, won't the slasher just get high and forget about killing people?

I'm not ready to join the Apatow backlash train. So sue me, I actually find his movies to be funny and engaging (I mean, they're no Paul Blart: Mall Cop but what, this side of a cerebral hemorrhage, is). So color me cautiously optimistic over the news that Chud.com is reporting: Apatow is mulling over a slasher film written by Bill Hader and "SNL" writer Simon Rich. Now, before I get too excited, I would need to know which sketches Rich helped write. Are they those lame-ass ones like...oh, anything from the last episode of the show? If so, then I won't care about this movie, which Hader describes as follows: "It's partially Straw Dogs meets Halloween meets Home Alone meets Monster Squad."Damn, you know he almost had me. If he would have thrown in HBO's "Real Sex" or "Yo Gabba Gabba," I would have thrown my full weight behind it. Also, consider that he says the REAL plot involves a few REAL guys who love fake violence confronted with REAL violence. On the one hand, I love this idea (because most dudes would REALLY poo in their pants, as Hader admits in his interview). On the other...really, an Apatow film with "real dudes." Wonder if any of them will be a slightly portly stoner who needs more ambition in life. Horror comedy is a delicate balance, and I think Apatow's got the stones to pull it off, but we shall see if this comes to fruition. Chalk this one up as curiosity for the time being.

Two guys whose names you can't remember but faces you know star in movie together

You know what Richard Jenkins looks like. Honest, you do. He was the dad in that one show with the guy who is a serial killer on his new show. He was also the dad in that movie about the two mentally retarded guys who everyone finds funny but are really sad (Stepbrothers). You know Bradley Whitford too. He was in that show that got cancelled with the one guy from "Friends" who was skinny then fat then really skinny then fat then healthy then totally unfamous, you know, the one about the "SNL" show that wasn't "30 Rock." Oh, and he was in "The West Wing" with the fictional president who was the coolest president of any kind until Barack Obama. Anyway, those two guys are going to be in a movie written by Drew Goddard. You know him, he wrote that one movie with that Godzilla monster that wasn't Godzilla but in order to see non-zilla you had to wait through an hour of motion sickness. Oh, and Joss Whedon. He created "Buffy." The Hollywood Reporter is reporting that the duo will star in The Cabin in the Woods, which is the most awful title for a horror movie since Murderface (which I just made up, you can't steal it). The duo will play white-collar workers with a "connection" to the cabin. Whedon and Goddard are claiming to be spinning the predictable scenario in a new way, which I can only imagine means having people who are good at acting and talking doing non-stupid things in dangerous settings. If so, the movie will be 10 minutes long: Two minutes of the gang arriving at said cabin, one minute of something creepy happening, seven minutes of them calling the authorities on their cell phones and running as fast as they can in one direction. Movie over.

What Forrest Whitaker is going to say tomorrow

Oscar nods come tomorrow! Yay! Set your alarms for 6 in the morning...or just get up whenever and you should be able to find them AND be well rested. I'll be doing a predictions thing for the actual nominees (deciding who should win and who will win, etc) in a few weeks, but let me play prognosticator for the major categories right now and tell you who is going to get nominated (maybe). I'm not going to go into a huge discussion for each and every actor, but I will let you peek into my brain as to my thinking behind the group:

Best Supporting Actress

Penelope Cruz and Kate Winslet are shoo-ins...which leaves three spots open for takers. My money is on Tomei being recognized for showing her aging ta-tas (not that you can tell hominahomina), someone from Doubt, and the gal from Button. That would mean it would look like this (although the Doubt actress may change out):

Penelope Cruz
Kate Winslet
Marisa Tomei
Amy Adams
Taraji Henson

Best Supporting Actor

Please, we know Ledger's in. I'm going to say that Phillip Seymour Hoffman is a lock too. Josh Brolin (who should be in the discussion for Best Actor for W but that's a different talk) is a likely candidate for Milk and Downey Jr is a good bet for Tropic Thunder (yay for a comedy nod)...that leaves one really. Dev Patel is getting some love, but I'm thinking James Franco may give Milk a second nod in this column. Let's go with that.

Heath Ledger
Phillip Seymour Hoffman
Josh Brolin
Robert Downey Jr
James Franco

Best Actress

Perhaps the tightest race? Streep, Winslet, and Hathaway are mortal locks. I'd put Sally Hawkins in there after her Golden Globes win. Jolie is a good bet for publicity and the only other one is Blanchett for Button. I know it's wrong, but I love Blanchett more, so we'll do that.

Meryl Streep
Kate Winslet
Anne Hathaway
Sally Hawkins
Cate Blanchett

Best Actor

We know Mickey Rourke, Sean Penn, Frank Langella, and Clint Eastwood are in. Pitt is likely here, but there's always one big surprise in a top category. I'm going to say Richard Jenkins for the visitor, just because.

Mickey Rourke
Sean Penn
Frank Langella
Clint Eastwood
Richard Jenkins

Best Director

Again, we know the shoo-ins (Danny Boyle, Ron Howard, David Fincher) and the likely (Gus Van Sant). If The Dark Knight is nominated, so too will Chris Nolan get a nod. Sam Mendes or Mike Leigh could squeeze in, but I doubt it.

Danny Boyle
Ron Howard
David Fincher
Gus Van Sant
Chris Nolan

Best Picture

And the big daddy. Three locks (Frost/Nixon, Slumdog Millionaire, and The Curious Case of Benjamin Button), one likely (Milk), and then the final slot...between Doubt and The Dark Knight. My gut says, Batman wins!

The Dark Knight
Milk
Frost/Nixon
Slumdog Millionaire
Button

That's my guesses...we'll see if Mr. Whitaker agrees tomorrow morning!

Quick clips for Tuesday January 20

Idiot gets rights to smart thing

Hey, sorry for the lack of update yesterday...but we all know you weren't exactly sitting around unsure of what to do until you heard from me. What's that? You were? Wow, you depend on me that much. Huh, well then, my first commandment to you is to punch someone who saw Paul Blart: Mall Cop. Punch em hard...and if they move, punch them again. If they don't move, feel free to kick them. More on that later. Actually, this is a post about how Variety is reporting that one of the worst idiots to ever be an idiot (Roland Emmerich...not the former president, Lord does that feel good to say) is set to direct an incredibly smart book, one that is so smart that it has remained off the big screen because adapting it has proved to difficult. I am speaking of Isaac Asimov's "Foundation" trilogy, which follows the rise and fall of galactic civilization. This is the equivalent of asking a monkey to crack the quantum physics theorem you can't quite figure out. The funny thing is that the rights were at Fox (who could be thwarted as an organization by a well-timed game of "got your nose" during a board meeting) AND Warner Bros, reminiscent of the awful Watchmen stalemate. Not wanting to repeat that clusterfrak, Warners waited for the rights to lapse entirely...and Columbia promptly swooped in and claimed them, with plans to give them to the mind behind 10,000 BC. Seriously, after that debacle he should be put down Old Yeller style, not given a beloved and well-written sci-fi opus. Ugh. On this day full of hope, here we are talking about Emmerich making another movie. Poor timing really.

Turn your eyes away, political content

How could I not at least touch on what it is everyone is focusing on today? As is documented everywhere I've written anything, I'll come clean again and admit that I've supported and followed Barack Obama's career for years now. This isn't just a guy I wanted elected, this is THE guy I wanted elected. I could go on and on and on about what it means to me, what it means to the black community, what it means to America, what it means to the world. But if you have an eye or two and an ear or two or any combination thereof, you have heard such philosophizing from people smarter and better spoken than me. So let's talk about something that nobody else has been talking about: Movies. Say what now? Well, it's like this. Movie is an art form, and the job of good artists is to reflect the time that is in front of them. I don't care if its a cartoon, a documentary, a period piece, whatever it is, it is still a reflection of the time in which the art is created. That's why we've seen The Dark Knight, No Country for Old Men and so on and so forth. Not just because they were good, but because their serious and dire tone was reflective of the time in which we lived. It was a mirror held up to the darkness that we were feeling after 9/11, mired in a complex and dangerous world and led by someone that we had no confidence in. We were frightened, depressed, and scared and our art was a testament to that. Thus, today, when I get emails from bosses and friends and family and strangers about how awesome the sight is of this inauguration, about how hopeful everyone feels, about how in tune everyone is with the positive energy that is flowing from Washington, I can only hope that we begin to see art in film that is more optimistic, that is not feel-good schmaltzy, but looks forward and sees beauty and opportunity. Is it possible that we'll be given more Dark Knights because of that film's success, you betcha. But I'm dreaming of a world in which, for even a year or so (maybe in 2010), we are smiling leaving the theater. What a great day, what a great time for our country. Feel good today, feel good tomorrow. Maybe, just maybe, this is the start of something good. Oh, and in case I didn't say it explicitly, thank God for Obama!

Weekend Box Office: You Blarted me

From now on, I'm going to use the term "Blarted" to define the phenomenon of a shitty, shitty movie making it to number one at the box office. "Did you hear about Stupid People Hitting Themselves in the Face?" "Yeah, it blarted its way to number one." Seriously, what the hell people. I am glad that I was able to get the top 5 correct, if in the wrong amounts, but what the hell? WHAT THE HELL? When I went to the theater this Friday, it was so jam packed that I couldn't believe it. Then it hit me: People really do WANT to see movies in January. It's not a bad time, it's a GOOD time to release things. What I'm saying is, can you imagine if they gave us something of quality and didn't blart us, how many people would have showed up? It would have been so packed we couldn't get in. You know what, I'm going to stop bitching, I love today, I'm watching the inauguration, so all is well. I can't believe I'm going to associate blarting with Obama's first day as president. Arrrrgggh!!!!!

Here are the results:

1.) Paul Blart: Mall Cop - $32 million (Accuracy of prediction - 26%)

Find a happy place...Barack is president. Bush is gone. Blart is number one...AAARRRRRGH!!! Kevin James is a sack of crap. There goes my optimism...damn you BLART!!!!

2.) Gran Torino - $22 million (Accuracy of prediction - 83%)

Clint Eastwood's last film he's starring in just may be the biggest he's had in a long time. It's going to FLY by $100 million. Helped even more if he gets the obligatory "hey, you're Clint Eastwood" nominations at the Oscars. Impressive. I mean, it sucks and it's really nothing to be proud of, but if you like his other crap, this crap seems just as good.

3.) My Bloody Valentine - $21 million (Accuracy of prediction - 83%)

Raise your hand if you figured four movies would cross $20 million this weekend. Everyone with their hand up is a liar. The cool thing is, I think this solidifies how vital the 3D medium will be for adult fare. I can't wait to see stuff flying at me in three dimensions that I actually want to see. Insert obligatory Scarlett Johansson joke here.

4.) Notorious - $20 million (Accuracy of prediction - 80%)

You people really love Biggie, huh? Enough to see a crappy dramatization of his life and everything. I don't know if I'm impressed or depressed but there's some kind of essed happening.

5.) Hotel for Dogs - $17 million (Accuracy of prediction - 74%)

On the one hand, the dog movie flopped. On the other, BLAAAARRRRRTTT!!!!

Overall accuracy of prediction - 69%

Not a huge failure, but a failure nonetheless. I wonder how this stacks up against people paid to do this. I'm guessing I'm just as close as they are. In fact, let's say I'm better. I'm still happy today.

Friday free for all

Ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod

In case you didn't know (shame on you) or didn't care (big heaping shame on you...I shall burn you if we meet face to face), "Battlestar Galactica" returns tonight. Yeah, so I'm pretty much freaking out. The Sci-Fi Channel, determined to squash the goodwill they garnered by creating and producing said brilliant television program, decided to split off these last 10 episodes from the rest of the fourth season to torture and abuse me. Look, I get that you want to cash in on it, deservedly so, but why not run these episodes during last November during sweeps? I may have been able to retain sanity and wouldn't be unable to focus on anything while waiting for today to be over so that I can go home and roll around in new B-star. I was chatting off air with Steve King, the host of the morning show on CD105.9 in Omaha and not the famous novelist (because I would have probably made a bigger deal out of chatting with that Steve King...not that I don't love CD's Steve King because I do...you know what, I'm just going to move on). I was trying to convince him that he needs to watch this show, and the discussion made me quickly realize that this is, without a doubt, the best, most cohesively awesome show I've ever watched. Satisfying in every way (acting, characters, plot, setting, themes) and intelligent to a degree I have never seen and will likely never see again. What I'm saying is, it isn't too late for you. Go, rent the show on Netflix, watch it on the Interwebs, do whatever you can but catch this gem before its off the air...I mean, you can rent it afterwards but really you miss out on the pisspanting thrills I am going through right now. If nothing else, take the Episode One challenge, wherein you agree to watch "33 Minutes," the first episode of the show, and decide if you can live without it. You won't be able to, trust me. Anyway, I'm going to go back to freaking out now. SO HAPPY!!!

Weekend Battle Plan: Don brings the Cheadle family such shame...such shame

If you HAVE to see a new movie this weekend...take your life on the end of a sword. Your choices are: Paul Blart: Mall Cop (or as I call it Fatty Fatty Boombalatty Falls Down), Hotel for Dogs (or as I call it Hell for people), My Bloody Valentine 3D (or as I call it Sucking in the Third Dimension), and Notorious (or as I call it Rapper Crapper). Your best bet is, once again, tracking down some lingering Oscar bait. For example, Kate Winslet's two Golden Globes now give you a reason to see Revolutionary Road and The Reader...given Oprah's praise for Winslet's boobies (yes, I'm serious, look it up on Youtube), the phrase "Kate Winslet's two Golden Globes" could have been taken to mean something else entirely (yes, we all know I was thinking like Oprah, but when am I not?). Slumdog Millionaire now looks like a sure thing for Oscar, so you should check that out if you haven't yet. Doubt will likely rack up a few nods, as will Button (but you've probably seen that already). Frost/Nixon is unquestionably going to get a few nominations. Point is, it isn't a BAD time to go see a movie, it's just a bad time to see a NEW movie. Then again, America turned out in droves to watch the friggin' Unborn, which I have on good authority (meaning the people at Chud.com) should not be viewed by anyone at anytime ever. Oh, and they also had a good discussion in that podcast on Chud about which movies would be improved by the presence of water-skiing Nazis (answer: all of them).

That's my recommendation: In lieu of finding a movie with water-skiing Nazis, go find something Oscar worthy while you can.

On DVD: Look, I'm going to make this short so as not to run the joke into the ground for people who have heard me say it on the radio and TV: In Vicky Cristina Barcelona, Scarlett Johansson and Penelope Cruz kiss. Ladies, you can drool over Javier Bardem (or the aforementioned kiss, either way); old people, you can respect Woody Allen and the Golden Globe win (or the kiss); and snobby people, you admire the foreign setting (or the kiss). Just rent it already.

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

Okay, so we're 50/50 for the year so far: First week out was awesome, last week I got Unborned. Seriously, you're going to regret doing that when Unborn 2 goes direct to DVD (featuring Skeet Ulrich and Tracy Gold from "Growing Pains"...you know what, that cast is so plausible it may actually happen). This week is so full of landmines I have no place to step. I'm just telling you now I'm going to get this wrong. From Gran Torino somehow doing blockbuster money to freakin' 3D horror movies to family films featuring dogs, I have no idea how to play this. I know but one thing: America will finally prove it has SOME standards and will NOT make Paul Blart number 1. Suck it Kevin James. I mean that, I really dislike you as a person.

Here's how I see it:

1.) Gran Torino - $19 million

Now, I know this will likely be wrong, but here's my figuring on this: Old people love Clint Eastwood. Old people aren't as likely to rush out to see things opening weekend, which means that last weekend's gross was an indication that this film is going to have some serious staying power. Old people will tell other old people how great it was watching old man Clint and then will get other old people to go to see it. See, it all makes sense once you think like you're wearing depends.

2.) My Bloody Valentine - $17 million

This is likely the one that's going to throw me down the well. It will probably be number 1, on account of the Unborn showing last week, which proved people will watch horror movies, and on account of the 3D-ness. I know, I know, but I just can't bring myself to say this will win. I can't do it.

3.) Hotel for Dogs - $15 million

Best Golden Globe moment: "And now, please welcome to the stage, the star of Hotel for Dogs, Don Cheadle." HAHAHAHAHA! You're going to remember that for the rest of your life, Don. Lisa Kudrow I get, she'll do anything ("Miss Kudrow, we'd like to offer you the role of..." "Yes" "Don't you want to hear the..." "I'll do it, where do I sign?"). Don, you'd best hope your role in Iron Man 2 redeems you.

4.) Notorious - $12 million

People love Biggie, and I'm guessing people interested in the rap world aren't interested in any of the movies mentioned above. Hell, I'm not that interested in the rap world and I'M not interested in any of the movies above.

5.) Paul Blart: Mall Cop - $10 million

Please let me be right and not let people see this....ohpleaseohpleaseohplease. It's on Kevin James, my hate for you is now unleashed.