Stick a fork in the sex...wait....

Every once and a great while, news comes along that fills me with the power of the Holy Spirit, hits me like waves of pure bliss, bites me like a radioactive spider: Folks, I don't know how to tell you this, not because it's bad news but because I never get to share news this good. They...they...they're done with Sex and the City movies.
No, it's not because they read Lindy West's brilliant review and realized that everyone involved in this is a cinematic Robert Oppenheimer, threatening to bring untold destruction and in doing so becoming sons of bitches. Nope, it's easier than that: The second movie did not do well, mostly on account of being absolutely unwatchable, even by people who watch that crap. It failed to clear $100 million domestically (the first one did more than $150 million), it only scored $185 million in foreign markets (the first one did $265 million), and it received "mixed" reviews, which is a nice way of saying everyone hated it but one douchenozzle liked it just to be noticed (cough, Armond White, cough). Right now, this information is only based on comments from the cast, who probably have used the last remaining amounts of self-denial they were using to get through making the second movie, and some general industry folks. But there's no reason we shouldn't be allowed to get excited about the real, true end to one of the greatest hoaxes of all time. Hoaxes? Yes, I said hoaxes. Women around the world were sold snake oil, were flimflammed by a product they were told would speak to them. When it did, at times, they were so encouraged because so many products out there just ignored them that they failed to focus on the soul-crushing, brutal horror of the characters and the depravity of a show based on the premise that you ain't shit without a man, honey. I hope someone throws the series a funeral, complete with a grave and headstone, so I'll finally have a place to put my pee. This is a good day people, a very good day indeed.

Follow me on Twitter!

Box Office Results: Shrek this

First off, no movie news happened this weekend. I would tell you about it if it did, but it didn't. Apparently the world was watching the MTV Movie Awards to see if Twilight could pull off the win (spoiler alert: teenagers still love it and still watch MTV). Actually, quick note about that show (not that I watched it): People bag on Kristen Stewart too much. I like her. Yeah, I said it. I've mentioned my support of her in the past based on her loathing of that which made her famous, but to watch her on stage is to see someone ill prepared to be that famous. What others see as cocky and aloof I think is fairly obviously anxiety with her degree of popularity. Also, gal's got some sticks. I say in 5 years we're talking about her as a quality actress, just my hunch.

Anyhoodle, back to the box office bonanza. Much has been made recently of this year's summer swoon. Here's a hint, Hollywood: Make better movies. Turns out you can 3D and IMAX your ass off, but if the movies suck we won't go. Tallies are down across the board, and one can't help but think if we're still seeing a combination of the fallout from the writer's strike and a general tipping point for quality. Yes, we're just a few months removed from Avatar becoming the biggest thing since Jonah Hill's waistline, but I think we're seeing the consequences of quality. Nobody saw Marmaduke. That in and of itself is a victory, right? I mean, Beverly Hills Chihuahua was a hit.

Here's this week's results, haiku style:

1.) Shrek Forever After - $25 million (Accuracy of prediction - 96%)

A riddle for you?
What's green and shouldn't be picked?
Hint: Not a booger.

2.) Get Him to the Greek - $17 million (Accuracy of prediction - 97%)

You should see this one.
It's the only film this year
where Diddy gets laughs.

3.) Killers - $16 million (Accuracy of prediction - 97%)

Hey, Katherine Heigl
looks like you have your first flop.
Miss your TV show?

4.) Prince of Persia - $14 million (Accuracy of prediction - 95%)

This is an epic,
there's no denying it.
It's an epic fail.

5.) Sex and the City 2 - $12.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 0%)

Damn you, Marmaduke!
I thought you'd keep these whores out!
You're good for nothing.

Overall accuracy of prediction - 77%

I almost had it.
Damn you S-A-T-C-2
Be gone forever!

Okay, that's it gang. Happy Monday to ya. Let's do it to it this week, right?!

Follow me on Twitter!

Box Office Results: Suck it Sex and the City!

Yes, technically you could spin this to be good news for Shrek (it isn't, as the fourth film is still waaaay off of what was expected), bad news for Prince of Persia (it is, but not that bad), or "it is what we expected" news for Sex and the City (it isn't). If you consider the frenzy over that first day of release, when the film took in a TON of money, and you remember what the first film did it's opening weekend in just 3 days ($57 million), then the total for this holiday stretch is particularly weak. Personally, I'm going to just believe that the brilliant review from Lindy out in Seattle did in the stupid, reprehensible flick.

Here's how the weekend shaped up, haiku style:

1.) Shrek Forever After - $55 million (Accuracy of prediction - 66%)

Damn you, green ogre!
Why can't you even flop right?
Be gone forever.

2.) Prince of Persia: Sands of Time - $38 million (Accuracy of prediction - 58.5%)

By Gyllenhaal's abs!
I can't believe this total!
Video game CURSE!

3.) Sex and the City 2 - $37 million (Accuracy of prediction - 58.5%)

Ha, ha. Take that, douche!
I love that this is failing!
Maybe it's the last!!!!

4.) Iron Man 2 - $20 million (Accuracy of prediction - 97.5%)

I love Iron Man.
He will never let me down.
I love you tin man.

5.) Robin Hood - $13.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 94.5%)

It's almost over.
Russell Crowe can go away.
Back to his ho-hos.

Overall Accuracy of Prediction - 75%

The bombs really hurt.
Persia and Sex both sucked it.
And thus, so did I.

Okay, that's it for today. Short week for us, so let's really make today count...right?

Follow me on Twitter!

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

Well, the good news is that as fast as the Sex and the City tramps arrive, they leave. What I mean is, they usually are super quick out of the gate and then fall of drastically because they have a loyal but small fan base. They're like Twilight for older, non-cat ladies. Whereas those gals have small appeal, everyone wants to touch Jake Gyllenhaal, especially when his abs have abs as they do in Prince of Persia. This means a big box office duel this weekend, and I'm sticking to my guns. I think PoP beats out SATC2, but just barely. Then again, I'm wrong so often I should work for Fox news.

Here's how I see the weekend box office, haiku style (oh, and this is for the 4-day stretch from Today through Memorial Day...I will not be blogging that day):

1.) Prince of Persia: Sands of Time - $62 million

Always bet on black.
But you NEVER bet against,
Jake Gyllenhaal's abs.

2.) Sex and the City 2 - $60 million

Have fun out there, girls.
You have a loyal fan base.
Too bad they are wrong.

3.) Shrek Forever After - $40 million

We have our first flop.
How bad do you have to feel?
You're the worst Shrek flick.

4.) Iron Man 2 - $19 million

Keep flying, Tony!
I want Marvel flush with cash.
It's Avengers time!

5.) Robin Hood - $12 million

Bye, bye Mr. Crowe.
By the next time we see you
you will be larger.

Okay, that's it. I'm out on Monday like the rest of you good Americans. Remember loved ones and those who died for the country, have a great weekend, and smoke some weenies for me.

Follow me on Twitter!