Quick clips for Tuesday September 30

Right, but are we getting Henry V Kenneth Branagh or Wild, Wild West Kenneth Branagh?

Of all the Marvel Comics properties that will soon be assaulting the screen, none is as precariously perched as Thor. This isn't because a good Thor movie is impossible. On the contrary, you're talking about a big bearded dude wearing a hat with wings on the sides who carries a hammer and is prone to "smiting" things, how is that not a good time? The problem is that Marvel has committed itself to playing in the "same world" for all their new movies, which is why you see Iron Man and Hulk referencing Nick Fury and each other. Although it sounds weird to say when you put it like this, those aforementioned movies are "realistic," insofar as you can believe a guy could dress up in an armored suit or turn into a green Barry Bonds. So when you have Thor hopping around conversing with other Norse gods after crossing a rainbow bridge (I'm sensing a product placement for Skittles or Ellen) to journey to a magic land of frost giants and enchantresses, it's going to be hard to bite on the realism angle. The key is not to give a crap and to make the best version of Thor that can be made. Which is why Variety's news that the director with the biggest Shakespeare woody ever (Kenneth Branagh) is taking on the Fabio-looking (please God don't cast Fabio) warrior is so welcomed. If nothing else, Ken is used to dudes adding "ths" to the end of words and the occasional "verily," which is the total ridiculous language in which Thor speaks. Now, the key is going to be finding a guy who can bring some actual acting chops to the character but can also crush a beer keg with this man boobs but, really, isn't that what all women and some men are searching for?

You cannot make bigger f#$king robots than this

Michael Bay has finally graduated from the small, artistic films that he is used to creating, having explored his personal demons and purged them with public weeping, and is taking his latest, Transformers 2: Rise of the Fallen, to where giant robots have never been before: the big, big screen. After The Dark Knight proved that IMAX can be a big boost to box office, the Bayster has opted to take his Hasbro opus to the same heights. Speaking of which...come on Omaha, I know we've got one IMAX in Council Bluffs, but I already go there for dog races, last call, and penny slots, can't we have something cool?! The man of bats really did change things forever, as this type of filmmaking was on the precipice of not catching on. I'm one of those people who had never seen a regular flick on the giganto-screen and, guess what, it really is worth it. The crystal clear, super-imposing visuals combined with sound so rich that I heard tell that the speakers at the Iowa IMAX really did blow out made for an experience I couldn't have predicted. Now, this isn't going to make the Bayster's film make any more sense or improve the acting or whatnot, but it does mean you'll finally be able to peek inside of The Boof's nostrils, which is a dream of mine deferred for too long now.

What uncaring diety allows Kirsten Dunst to retain fame?

So Kirsten Dunst told MTV.com that she's in for at least Spiderman 4 (although they want to shoot 4 and 5 back-to-back to save money and to cash in before Tobey Maguire is 40). This news is met with a great roar of applause for the three people who still think that wet T-shirt scene in the first film warrants her continued inclusion. Here's the thing, as a character on screen, Mary Jane Watson has outlived her usefulness. I know that sounds crazy coming from a guy who has a framed drawing of Spidey and MJ at his house (before you ask, yes, I call the room it hangs in the "Den of Sexual Powers" because that picture is like Spanish Fly), but bear with me: as she has been depicted for the last three films, MJ has no place else to go storywise. She is a non-character, devoid of personality, existing only to be captured by the villain or pimp-slapped by an emo Peter Parker. Sadly, they blew their Gwen Stacy wad as well, using the beautiful Bryce Howard as a girl who fell out of a window and stuff in the last movie. In the comics, Peter's relationship with MJ took about 25 years to really develop (that's real time, in the comic time it was like a year or two...it's kind of like reverse warped dog years). In that interim, we saw him make gaffe after gaffe (he was a gaffe machine, gaffetastic really) with the ladies and, cooler than that, we saw him work through relationship ups and downs with multiple characters, some cool (Black Cat), some not (Betty Brant). Point is, Kirsten Dunst sucks, the character of MJ is now devoid of life, so get her out of there. Heck, bring her back briefly in 4, have them break up, have Pete move on for the rest of the film, then bring her back for 5. Do something more than have her turn into bait for the bad guy. And while you're at it (whoever "you" may be), get her teeth fixed. Them things are freaky.

Quick clips for Monday September 29

Yeah, yeah, I'm going to do it as well

'Round about the time that Ann Curry, the she-beast of morning news journalism, set her twitchy, spastic tone to overdramatically somber while recounting the death of Paul Newman this morning, I realized that my memorializing of someone I believe to be the greatest actor of all time isn't exactly something the world is waiting for. That doesn't matter.

Part of what I love about this blog is the ability to share personal stories that really don't have a place on the smudgy printed page. So, while we'll get to the box office recap in a minute, I want to pause from the inane news rumors of the day to provide my memories of a man I never met but celebrated nonetheless.

I know that Newman will be remembered, in part, for his kick-ass salad dressings and (more importantly) the boatloads of money he generated for charity. This is a guy who was famous in an era where actors didn't get "back-end points" that resulted in windfalls large enough to buy islands. I couldn't admire more the little I know about his generous heart, his deep and devoted marriage that spanned decades in Hollywood, and his reputation as a fine example for young actors. But what I know about Paul Newman is his acting, and most of that information came during one stretch when I was 18 years old.

The summer before you go to college is often rife with debauchery or a nervous anticipation of the adulthood into which you are guided by an unseen and forceful hand. Sadly, mine was neither a depraved orgy of sin nor a hand-wringing exercise in self-reflection. Nope, it was tame until I got a bad flu. No, this isn't a story about how Newman's acting helped save me from some crazy medical hell, this is about how, one night that summer, I was horking my guts out and couldn't sleep, so I watched The Hustler. From about 3 in the morning until after 5, I was riveted. I was no longer contemplating the inequity of a world where vomit was possible, I was captivated by what could only be described as a legendary performance. Right when he said, "Fat man, you shoot a great game of pool," that's when I was hooked.

Like an addict, I proceeded to gobble up every Newman film available in the days before you had access to Vh1 sex-fest TV shows on DVD at all hours. I breezed through Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, Cool Hand Luke, and The Verdict in one sitting before moving on, with my dad, to his two favorite films ever made: The Sting and Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, two movies that, to this day, will fist-fight your face into submitting a smile. For me, the best were his "H" movies, Harper, Hud, and The Hustler. I couldn't believe that it was possible that the man didn't have a warehouse full of shiny golden Oscars. Imagine my elation when I found out, finally, that The Color of Money existed, an impossibly perfect sequel for which he finally, finally, finally won that prize.

Over the years my devotion didn't waver, though his production did. I remember actually going to see Message in a Bottle in the stinkin' theater just because he was in it. Consider that for a second, we're talking about a Nicholas Sparks novel adaptation FEATURING KEVIN COSTNER! Were I forced to watch it on a sofa made of razorblades while drinking curdled milk it couldn't have sounded less appealing. But I went, because he was in it. I went and I was amazed at how easily he could still turn it on.

Newman is the only actor I don't want to critique, and I never did and never will. I just want to enjoy how watching him made me love movies, made me believe that they were potent and powerful, made me feel as much as any great work of literature.

Add this to the growing list of memorials that are too frequent to consume in their entirety and that need not have been written to celebrate the man. He didn't need me to say it, but I will anyway, rest in peace, Paul Newman, you'll forever be my favorite actor of all time.

Weekend Box Office Results: I forgot about the Jesus factor

I'm not making excuses for anything here, but if you had even heard of Fireproof, a movie made for less than a million about a firefighter who works on his marriage through God's love, you could have let me know that Christian churches across the nation were planning to attend en masse. Seriously, NOBODY had the movie cracking the top 5, let alone making a 6-billion percent profit opening weekend (I do math gooood). Seriously, I'm not sure if this is a real trend or just the right movie to support at the right time. I'm curious to see the fallout from this in a copycat Hollywood, so look for an even stronger courting of the church vote by tinseltown in the next few years.

Here are the results:

1.) Eagle Eye - $29 million (Accuracy of prediction - 91.5%)

Okay, okay, I knew I was a bit, shall we say overeager about the possible box office domination of The Boof, but this was still a nice little cash cow and an entertaining flick. I'm just saying that the comparisons that are being drawn between The Boof and Harrison Ford appear spot-on so, thirty years from now, The Boof will get his own Callista Flockheart.

2.) Nights in Rodanthe - $13.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 98.1%)

I refuse to speak of this, in the hopes that it goes away faster.

3.) Lakeview Terrace - $7 million (Accuracy of prediction - 100%)

In the end, this movie will be a forgettable exercise in stereotypes and violence, which sounds like the name of a college band. Again, Sammy Jackson, my offer still stands to help find you or write you a part in which you display a second or possibly third emotion.

4.) Fireproof - $6.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 0%)

Really didn't see this coming. Whoever organized the campaign and got the churches and people out to this theater should be applauded. This was a crazy stealth attack that nobody saw coming, which is a fancy way of me saying "don't blame me for looking like an idiot."

5.) Burn After Reading - $6 million (Accuracy of prediction - 90%)

Another solid showing for the little comedy that could. I don't know what the Coens are up to next, but I hope that the suits have seen their box office potential.

Overall accuracy - 76%

One of these days I'll inch past the C margin, besides if it weren't for the Lord himself putting Fireproof in there, I'd have been pretty much dead on. Oh, the other news of note, apparently Miracle at St Anna just died a painful death. Hey Spike, next time don't make a 3 hour movie with nobody we've ever seen before in it, just sayin'.

Friday Free-For-All

FYI, the core audience for Lethal Weapon 5 has died of old age...

As the headline for this little blurb suggests, one anti-Semitic hate-and-booze-cocktail from a certain so-under-the-radar-that-Dick-Cheney-looks-high-profile star isn't enough to kill a franchise that wasn't killed by Joe Pesci doing a drunken impression of himself. Shane Black, the object of praise from me earlier in the week, is still interested in getting Mr. Gibson back for Lethal Weapon 5, according to Entertainment Weekly. You'll notice no one is worried about signing Danny Glover. Black's story outline sees two new detectives added to the fold, but that's all that's known about the plot. For those who don't remember, Lethal Weapon 1 and 2 were excellent buddy-cop-comedy-noir films and Lethal Weapon 3 and 4 are the reason God invented opium. To see Black return the series to its once dignified place would be great, and, really, I don't see what the holdup is. Gibson can't exactly be demanding high dollar figures and desperately needs a hit, Black wants to return his idea to the land of the cool (far from the world of suck), and producer Joel Silver just made Speed Racer and, thus, is more desperate for a win than any sports franchise I support. I'm not sure how I feel about this whole thing, but Black has earned a chance to fix the mess that was made of Riggs and Murtaugh. Bonus points if he reveals Murtaugh was gay the whole time.

Weekend Battle Plan: If you don't see Eagle Eye, the terrorists (meaning the makers of Nights in Rodanthe) win

This should probably be an in-depth discussion of how much I love Chuck Palahniuk's novels, despite their inherent sick-and-twisted unremorseful depravity, but I can't advocate that you go see Choke. Not because its bad but because I want Eagle Eye to make all of the money...not because I love The Boof that much, but because I want big studio releases in September. Now some of you are probably saying "But Ryan you jackass, that's when indie films have a chance to shine and quality Oscar films emerge." First of all, the jackass thing hurts, no matter how true it is, and second, you couldn't be more wrong. Oscar films don't come out until November or later in most cases and Indie films benefit from one or two big budget films in the theater because it works as counter programming and keeps people in the habit of going to the movies. The original idea behind the September-is-a-wasteland theory was TV shows returning, but with the advent of DVR and TiVO, we can watch that stuff whenever we want without having to master the Rubik's Cube of technology that was the VCR programmer. Long, long story short, if Eagle Eye does money, it will convince studios to release bigger and better movies in the fall (basically what 300 did for the month of March). So, no matter how much your Danielle-Steele-lovin' ass wants to go see Nights in Rodanthe, don't do it.

That's my recommendation: Go see Eagle Eye. Twice if you still have the disposable income after the great collapse of aught eight.

On DVD: Well, if you have the time, I highly recommend you rent the entire first season of "Pushing Daises." Maybe my favorite all-around new show of the last few years (next to "30 Rock"), and I'm scared to death it will be cancelled. There aren't many episodes in the set because of the accursed writer's strike, but what's there is so tasty you can't handle much more without your tummy exploding. If you want a movie, Leatherheads is non-offensive if you can handle the sight of Renee Zellweger.

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

While not batting 1,000 or even that high over the Mendoza line, my analysis is a good enough defense to warrant me staying on at shortstop...wow, that metaphor got away from me so fast, I wrote it and I don't even understand it. At any rate, it's The Boof's world, we all just live in it. The only question is, how much box office power does the punk pack? Smart money is playing a little conservative on The Boof, but I know better. The dude's got mojo AND funk, and funky mojo will take you farther than you ever dreamed. I think I missed my life's calling writing taglines for fictional movies.

Here's how I see it:

1.) Eagle Eye - $34 million

This is high. I know it is, but all of the positive-thought calenders tell me that if I dream it, I can achieve it. I think the number may be just below the $30 million mark, but I'm hoping my sheer energy will drive it north of that mark. Help me make this a reality! Seriously, after all I've done for you, it's the least you can do.

2.) Nights in Rodanthe - $13 million

I know women who still think Richard Gere is attractive despite the fact that he now looks like a grandmother in men's clothes. To call Nicholas Spark a hack is an insult to saws and berrys. This is the movie to avoid this weekend like the plague or an ex.

3.) Lakeview Terrace - $7 million

I had a conversation with a friend of mine last night and we discussed what Sam Jackson's next role should be. I settled on an incredibly effeminate gay man or transsexual. My friend said he didn't care so long as he didn't scream and yell the whole time.

4.) Burn After Reading - $6 million

This flick will finish north of about $60 million, which is almost double its meager budget and will have big life on DVD. Nice to see the good guys win every once and awhile.

5.) Miracle at St Anna - $5 million

This has a chance at fourth, but the run time is THREE HOURS and the reviews are lukewarm. For three hours, you'd better have reviews that tell me that watching it gives me superpowers.

Quick clips for Thursday September 25

They love him so much that, if they could, I'm sure Disney would marry Johnny Depp

You know what I love, when other people do such good work that all I have to do is point and say "hey, check out that good work." You know why? Because I'm tired, it's been a long week and, despite being tempted to suspend my blogging until this economic crisis is over with, I know that now more than ever people need to hear my strong voice of leadership. This is what happens when I fall asleep to CNN. Anyway, Chud.com, who always put the "bang" in "bang-up job," have given me (okay, all of us, I'll share) a wonderfully bullet-pointed list of Disney news and notes from their Media Preview Day, which is like Christmas for movie rumor bloggers (only half the presents you open up are plaid sweaters and almonds-and-Vaseline fruitcakes). Here's the highlights: Johnny Depp will star in everything Disney does. Thanks for coming! Okay, he'll just be in Pirates of the Caribbean 4: Thank God We Ditched Knightley and Bloom, Alice in Wonderland (directed by Tim Burton...so, sadly, this is almost self-parody at this point), and The Lone Ranger...as Tonto. No, I'm not kidding. I looked it up and everything. Now, Pirates 4 is actually good news, as the series still hasn't explored Cap'n Jack enough (seriously, who watched the first one and thought, we need to give Orlando his own storyline) and Alice is happening whether it's exciting or not but...Tonto? Really? You can't find any ACTUAL Native Americans to play that part? I mean, sidekick to a horse-riding masked white dude isn't exactly the dreamiest of parts but it sure beats, I don't know, NOT HAVING ANY NATIVE AMERICAN CHARACTERS IN ANYTHING EVER. Seriously, my wife can list like 10 people who would be better for that part, including Rodney Grant from Dances with Wolves (who I met at a Jiffy Lube, seriously). Tell you what, he can play Tonto if Graham Greene is the Lone Ranger. The Mouse House also announced that Cars 2 will appear in 2011 instead of 2012 (whatever, you sequelize the one Pixar movie I'm lukewarm on) and will follow Mater and Lightning McQueen overseas. Also, National Treasure 3 is going to come out eventually and people will see it despite the last film having been more damaging to my brain than my new breakfast cereal, "Encephalitis Flakes."

You know what we haven't talked about in, like, a day or two? The new Sherlock Holmes movie

You know how you know an actress has transcended normal "she's an actress so she's hot" attractiveness? When girls get crushes on them too. I know several women who love Rachel McAdams almost as much as every heterosexual male (hell, some homosexual males probably love her too). Thus, it is for the good of all genders that I repeat The Hollywood Reporter's news that the lovely Miss McAdams is going to star opposite Robert Downey Jr in Guy Ritchie's Sherlock Holmes, which is fast on it's way to being (A) really good and (B) the only thing I cover. McAdams will play Irene Adler, a character who only appeared in one of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle (who never gets referred to without using all 4 names...seriously, I'm going start referring to him as Artie Doyle, which sounds like a sitcom character name...it just seems like the American thing to do). The take on the detective is supposed to be more action and adventure driven, but I hope they don't forget he's really smart or this will turn into a British Indiana Jones, which sounds ridiculous. I wonder how the Brits feel about so many Yanks taking parts in a movie about a hero from their country? I mean, it isn't like Britain has a TON of adventuresome heroes; it goes James Bond, Sherlock Holmes, and, um, Margaret Thatcher? For the record, if someone makes a movie that combines all three characters, I'm sooooo there.

Will it be called Legend I am?

I Am Legend, a movie I enjoyed immensely right up until it hopped off the cool train while in stupidville, is going to have a prequel (my least favorite word next to cartilage...seriously, just say cartilage...doesn't that sound gross). I hate the concept of prequels because you already know who survives and how it ends. I hate to spoil it but, even though this new film may take place in the final days of humanity in New York City before the plague kills everybody, I'm pretty sure Will Smith's character gets out alive. How do I know (beyond the fact that Will Smith plays the character)? BECAUSE WE SAW WHAT HAPPENS NEXT! Besides, I though that's what all the grabassery was about in the end of the last movie: The studio wanted a sequel so the director and writers neutered the ending so that we could get the further adventures of what's his name and the badly computer generated zombie things. Why not make a sequel? This makes far less sense and limits the potential for a third film. Seriously, this is the kind of stuff I don't get. Nobody in the room says, "Hey guys, won't audiences be bored because they know how it turns out? Shouldn't we follow the end of the last film and explore how they try to make a life in the apocalypse?" That or the response is "Na'ah, let's just do a prequel, that's more fun to say. Oooh, look a shiny quarter."

Quick clips for Wednesday September 24

A post in which I offer to fist-fight a producer/writer

I know that this is a movie blog and that, technically, my murderous feelings of rage against the television show "Heroes" has no place here. Well, guess what, there's no governmental oversight committee to ensure all blogs stay on point...and, besides, if you read this blog, chances are you watch, have watched, or may one day watch the aforementioned television program that has inspired my wrath. See, here's the thing, there's a decent amount riding on "Heroes." Really, there's more riding on that half-witted, exceptionally poorly written, terribly acted show than on "Lost." Why? Well, "Lost" is beloved by fans of good writing, clever characters, and complex situations; it is not beloved because it is science fiction (often it is beloved despite that fact, at least for some people). Alternatively, "Heroes" is purely a comic book come to life, a fact that should make me happy...but doesn't because it's the type of comic book I would never, ever read (on account of all the sucking.) As a concept, it was lifted pretty directly from the comic "Rising Stars," dumbed down by a factor of about 1000, omitted the things that made it interesting, and crapped on audiences everywhere who were told "eat this, it tastes like crap." By the way, I've watched every episode.

Audiences that were given Iron Man and The Dark Knight have figured it out: Comic book adaptations don't have to be written to the lowest-common denominator, which is "Heroes" writer/producer Tim Kring's target audience. As a writer, I wouldn't trust Kring with penning a blurb for my toothpaste. I could, no joke, spend about 10,000 words discussing the stupendously awful writing on this show (which includes both plot and dialogue that are so poor, my wife proposed a drinking game composed of taking a shot whenever someone says exactly what they feel ["I feel scared because I'm frightened."] or when someone does something that only furthers the plot ["I could solve this with a conversation, but instead I'll go back in time!"]). I'm going to "spoil" (and I use that word loosely, as a third-grade education could "spoil" the plot developments) what just happened last episode in order to show the colossal stupidity.

Watch, as you can follow the events and their lameness without ever having watched the show: In the future, a guy decides that all the terrible things currently happening are because his brother announced something on television he shouldn't have, so he travels back in time to FIVE SECONDS BEFORE HIS BROTHER SAYS IT AND SHOOTS HIM. Now, if you have a preschool diploma, you're probably asking, "Why didn't he go back like 3 days before and tell him not to say those things...then, if that didn't work, he could shoot him as a last alternative." Well, observant first grader, that would make sense, and logic of any kind is banned on this show, which only traffics in plot twists you've seen 100 times and characters that can be described based on their powers alone played by actors who were rejected for Noxema commercials.

So why do I watch? Two reasons: Number one, I'm horrified and yet drawn to it. I need to believe that this will get better and won't devolve into "Misfits of Science," which (by the way) is a better show. I want to believe that a mainstream superhero series can find a place on network TV because the subject matter is good enough. Second, the episodes not written by Tim Kring are sometimes okay. I know that isn't a ringing endorsement but if its an okay superhero show or "Dancing With the Stars," you know which side my bread is buttered.

In conclusion, I want to fight Tim Kring. I want that vegetable-brained half-wit to be fired from his own show or bludgeoned to death by one of his scripts. I want the actors to rebel and disembowel him for his unparalleled talentless stupidity. He is the worst writer I have ever had the misfortune of enduring. I survived last season with the promise of better times ahead. I'm giving "Heroes" five more episodes, three if all of them are written by Kring. After that, I'm gone like Kring's dignity. I know this isn't movie news, but it is a public service announcement, and there ain't much going on this week.

Misguided? Maybe. Greedy? Nope.

Michael Moore is so loathed by conservatives that they are going into unknown territory to attack him...humor (sorry, I forgot about Bill O'Reilly, the unknown territory is intentional humor). With An American Carol, the right-wing has fired what looks to be a painfully unfunny assault against the documentarian, who is easily spoofable (so long as your agents of spoofing aren't, say, Kelsey Grammar and Trace Adkins). Say this about the slovenly self-proclaimed do-gooder, he believes in what he's saying. His latest film, Slacker Uprising, is being given away for free. At slackeruprising.com, anyone can download the flick, which covers Moore's tour of the US in 2004 after the release of Fahrenheit 9/11 but before the presidential election, which pretty much ignored everything he said in the film. Yes, it appears as though Slacker Uprising is more akin to a video of a concert than a true documentary, but it's free, so what do you want from the guy? Actually, this is a good place to talk briefly about dividing the message from the man. Whatever you think of Moore, Sicko was pretty doggone good (until the last third), and his stated intentions for releasing this for free are also admirable (he wants more people to vote). I doubt if all liberals were to decide on their mouthpiece that it would look and act like Michael Moore, but the words are what's important here, not the pie hole they're coming from. We'll take a peeksie at the video soon and let you know all about it (it was just released on Tuesday) but, in the meantime, feel free to check out something for free, a phrase you don't hear often these days.

A daily Bond update for my Chicago peeps

As evidenced by my Bears license plate holder, my Cubs T-shirt, my Bulls underwear, and my "I heart the Windy City" face tattoo, I love me some Chi-town. I got to go to the Chicago Film Festival once a long time ago and saw some awesome stuff (like Man of the Century) but things have improved a bit since that era....how so? Well, ComingSoon.net is reporting that their sources have stated that Daniel Craig and Jeffrey Wright (stars of the upcoming Quantum of Solace, which is the new Bond movie and not the documentary on molecular sadness) are going to be in Chicago in October. The festival kicks off on October 16 with The Brothers Bloom, which I am dying to see (it looks like Wes Anderson in his prime), but...could 007's new film make an appearance? The article points out that director Marc Forster's last two films have played at the festival (Stranger than Fiction and The Kite Runner)...so it's possible that this could be happening. If it does happen, I sure hope that some people who live in that city who I know well attend and report back to me. Actually, I hope they do that anyway about the festival. Consider yourselves on 007 alert.

Quick clips for Tuesday September 23

After that Kiss Kiss you can Bang Bang all you want

My love for the Robert Downey Jr/Val Kilmer vehicle Kiss Kiss Bang Bang likely falls into what some therapists categorize as "pathological" or "perverse." You know, you make one shrine to a movie entirely out of bottle caps, butter, and fingernails and people start tossing around psychiatric terms. At any rate, I have to start preserving bodily waste to build my next statue, as Kiss Kiss writer/director Shane Black (who came to the Omaha Film Festival last year, so we'll refer to him as a "friend of the program" even though this isn't a program and I've never spoken to him). Variety reports that Black will direct Cold Warrior, which is based on a script by Chuck Mondry about a spy from the Cold War era who un-retires to teach a young agent how to deal with a threat from Russia. Okay, there are just so many things right with this that I have a tummy tingle like I was on a roller coaster. First off, Black directing anything is sweeter than snorting sugar cane. Second, if the question is "spy movie?" the answer is always "yes, please." Third, Russia gets to be a threat again?! For the love of Red Dawn that's awesome! In the grand order of villainous hordes it goes (1) the unquestioned holder of this position for eternity, The Nazis, (2) Stormtroopers/Klingons (depending on which side your nerd junk hangs), (3) Commies, and (4) Green Bay Packer fans. Now, so long as they don't cast Ashton Kutcher as the "new spy" and Kevin Costner as the "cold warrior" we're golden. I really wanted to make a "cold sore warrior" joke but I couldn't get it in there. So laugh at that anyway.

A post in which I will attempt to refrain from relentless Dick jokes

Speaking of Russkies, Timur Bekmambetov, who is best known to American audiences as the director of the violence orgy that was Wanted but is best known worldwide for his Nightwatch series, subscribes to the "more is more" theory of visual eye candy. Known for insane visuals that make little sense but give 13-year-olds their first non-self-induced pleasure, Bekmambetov fills the screen with beautiful nonsense...so it makes logical sense that his next movie would be Moby Dick. Nope, not joking, the guy best known for driving cars up the sides of buildings and bullets splattering cranium juice onto walls is doing the "Call me Ishmael" thing...only without Ishmael. Variety explains that Universal is paying Adam Cooper and Bill Collage to "reimagine" (there's that buzzword again...I give it four months before it makes me want to "reimagine" my lunch right into my toilet) the old whale tale. The first-person narrative is gone, the dickish whale will be shown savaging other ships, and Ahab will be butt-flossing crazy not merely obsessed. As Cooper is quoted "Our version isn't your grandfather's Moby Dick." Riiiight. First off, thank God it isn't my "grandfather's Moby Dick," I mean, I've been saying for years "if only the guys who wrote Accepted could reimagine one of the classic works of fiction. Second, what you mean by "reimagining" and "not your grandfather's Moby Dick" is actually "we are going to find a way to shoe-horn in as many relentless special effects as possible in an effort to get people to pay money to us." Why not pick another whale and start over? I'd go see Toby Prick.

You know what, just call me "Jim"

It is widely being reported across the interwebs that Quantum of Solace (which still sounds like the worst intestinal parasite ever) will be the first 007 film to do without the phrase "Bond, James Bond." On the one hand, a legion of fans are happy because the series is continuing to move in a more "dark" and "real" fashion. On the other, that's ridiculous. First off, I'll give you the "dark," which is so "in" right now that I'll be amazed if Saturday Morning cartoons don't take a turn for the grim ("Mommy, why is Dora the Explorer cutting herself?"). Second, "real" is not something that can enter the vocabulary of a film that has the stunts I've seen in the previews. "Real" is not something that a spy series even should attempt. "Real" spy shit is boring as hell. It's listening to hours of tapes and writing briefs...if you want a "real" Bond film, it will be called The Price of Paperwork. We know that this is ridiculous and, while I do love the more practical and more clever (meaning better written and less goofy) direction the franchise is taking, do we need to absolutely ditch every last shred of what makes the character identifiable and beloved? I remember the first time I heard "Bond, James Bond" or saw him drink a martini or flirt with Moneypenny or get a gadget from Q. I don't mind losing Q, that made sense, but why destroy all unique and cool aspects of 007? Soon will we get rid of the girls and see a gay Bond (actually, that would be pretty entertaining), a Bond that only swills beer, a Bond that totally hates that bitch Moneypenny? I'm just saying, reinvention is a necessity and I like what they're doing but I remember an adage about babies and bathwater that wasn't just a recipe for Jonathon Swift's stew.

Quick clips for Monday September 22

Weekend Box Office Results: Let's not assign blame, we're all losers here

Unlike my beloved football teams, who are more determined than ever to initiate some kind of cardiac event inside of me and induce subsequent massive depression, things went pretty much according to plan at the box office, aside from Igor ruining everything...maybe (just like last week, the actual numbers could reveal the estimates to be filthy, filthy liars. Using my handy-dandy new prognostication formulas, we can determine that I had a pretty average week. You know what, in light of the failing economy and efforts by certain politicians to make the world collapse upon itself, I'll take it.

Here are the results:

1.) Lakeview Terrace - $15.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 98%)

Ben Coffman and I were just discussing the nuances of a plotline that involves a hatred for interracial couples and I realized that, despite being pretty cool, Sam Jackson seems intent on setting race relations backwards. If you've ever seen The Man, you'll discover a joke about slavery in the first ten minutes. So, discuss: Sam Jackson - F-word blasting cool cat or cyborg from the future hellbent on degrading race relations to the point of riots that consume all of humanity?

2.) Burn After Reading - $11 million (Accuracy of prediction - 100%)

Such a nice surprise this is, watching audiences stick with a quality film based on positive word of mouth. This dandy little dark comedy will have made back its production budget by tomorrow and will be raking in the dough, which is good because I was worried about that Clooney fellow having enough cash.

3.) My Best Friend's Girl - $8.3 million (Accuracy of prediction - 91.5%)

With this, we close the door on Dane Cook: The Actor. We must now move our attention to stopping the spread of Dane Cook: The Comedian, moving on to project Dane Cook: The Homeless Guy Who Swears He Used to be Famous. Also interesting, Kate Hudson, who should also be put on famewatch. The only good news, this was actually decent box office for Jason Biggs. Don't tell him this is a flop, he needs this.

4.) Igor - $8 million (Accuracy of prediction - 0%)

This is the one that could change. Right now, it's sitting about $500,000 ahead of Tyler Perry's Tyler Perry (featuring Tyler Perry). The projection is that family audiences came out in force on Sunday, but I don't think they did. My guess is that daddy stayed home and watched his football and drank his beer. Why? Because he works hard to provide for you. Isn't it enough that he makes an effort, why should he miss the Steelers game just because the rugrats wanna see a computer movie with a talking brain in a jar? That's just stupid.

5.) Righteous Kill - $7.7 million (Accuracy of prediction - 96%)

Right now, whoever spent $60 million on this movie is sweating heavily. They shouldn't worry, the target demo for a DeNiro and Pacino movie is now bed-ridden, so DVD will be huge for them.

Overall accuracy - 77%

If Igor slips heavily, this could change, but I'm off slightly from last week. I went from a B to a C, but hey, they tell me that a C is average, no matter how often I was beaten if I got that grade as a child.

Contemplations on hornets of emerald and kung fu

Stephen Chow, best known to American audiences as "Who?", has long been rumored to have a lock on the part of Kato in the upcoming adaptation of The Green Hornet. Seth Rogen is set to play the lead and has been slimming down for the part (no word on how they plan to slim down his white afro however). For those who are unfamiliar, The Green Hornet is basically a Batman rip off with an Asian stereotype as a sidekick instead of Robin. The good news is, Chow is incredibly funny and, according to The Hollywood Reporter, has been signed to direct as well. This is good for a number of reasons, first and foremost is that Rogen and the rest of Apatow's posse showed with the end of Pineapple Express that action is not their first language (in fact, it's more like a language they can only pronounce enough to ask where the restroom is). Chow, on the other hand, has been doing the comedy/action thing better than anybody on any continent for awhile now. The tone of this film is more difficult to predict than a vice presidential nomination. If they go too far with the comedy, it's slapstick stupidity. If they go too far with the action/drama, it's destined for failure. There's a small window that Rogen and Chow have to leap through, but I love the pairing and have nothing but high hopes for this one.

When, Lord, when do we get the Pong movie we've all been waiting for?!

When it was announced that they were making the videogame "The Sims" into a movie, I fell into a philosophical coma (wait, so the game simulates human experiences while humans play it, but now, humans are going to play the simulated humans that are controlled by the humans that....about there was when the eyes rolled back and the twitching started). Well, Collider spoke with producer John Davis and he explained how this may work. Basically, two kids get their hands on a "Sims Infinity Pack" sold by a mysterious video game store (I hope run by the guy who sold Gizmo in Gremlins) and they discover that the simulation game actually changes their real world. So, on the one hand, it's kind of like Click (shudder) and on the other, I have to wonder if they discover that, much like their actions controlling the simulated characters have an impact on their real life, actually interacting with other humans ALSO has an impact on their life. I suppose that it could sound worse, but it does sound pretty weak (like someone fell asleep watching The Last Starfighter). Speaking of The Last Starfighter, I really think we need to move the quest to get a remake of that movie forward. It's time for someone with more spunk and ambition than me to start some kind of easily ignored petition or online community dedicated to such a thing. If we stay silent now, we may live in a world without a remake of The Last Starfighter, and that's a world I don't want to live in.

Friday Free-For-All

It only looks like I'm obsessed with the Guy Ritchie Sherlock Holmes movie

I bet I've spent more posts on this relatively newish blog discussing Sherlock Holmes than almost any other topic (besides myself, my wife, my nerdiness, the lack of comments from readers...man, this blog is narcissistic, I wonder if this is the only narcissistic blog...this side-thought is going on for a long time, I should probably get back to my point, what was my point again, oh something about Sherlock Holmes...I can't wait for Sherlock Holmes, I wonder if my wife is excited for Sherlock Holmes, I'm a total nerd for Sherlock Holmes...I wonder if anyone is reading my discussion of my love of Sherlock Holmes, my wife's potential love for Sherlock Holmes, and my nerdiness for Sherlock Holmes...I should digress...what's digress mean?) Anyhoo, there was that rumor that Russell Crowe was going to play Watson, which he isn't, then that he would play Morairty, which he might. Now comes word that the kick to Robert Downey Jr's side will be played by Jude Law, who is nowhere near fat enough to play the stereotypical version of Watson but is bald enough to play the drugged-out meth-head version Ritchie will probably require. Law was supposed to be a famous and beloved actor but turned out to be a douche with a receding hairline and modest talent. Here's hoping Downey can pimp slap the performance required out of Law, if not, my pimp hand's free and I've been working out.

Weekend Battle Plan: Samuel L Jackson continues to make movies that make Snakes on a Plane better

By now, there are so many "Sam Jackson will take any role" jokes that I don't have the energy to make any more. Oh, and they're not funny because the dude could have been a legendary and beloved actor and is now best known to me for having made The Man and that haircut from Jumper. Seriously, an intestinal parasite is more enjoyable than Lakeview Terrace...watching cute fuzzy animals get put in a wood chipper is less distressing than Lakeview Terrace. The director of Lakeview Terrace is Neil LaBute, which I cannot believe is true. He is best known as a brilliant and brutal playwright who explored the emotional savagery of men and women on the stage in many plays and on screen in The Shape of Things and (most impressively) In the Company of Men. I liked if not loved every single movie and play he had done...then came Wicker Man...you know what happens whenever I mention that film! We get to watch this:



If that doesn't get you laughing on a Friday. Anyway, following up Wicker Man with Lakeview Terrace is like following up shoplifting with mass murder. You make one mistake, you can be forgiven, but it's hard to forget all those bodies. So what should you see? Well, tough to say. If you're in the Omaha area, head to Film Streams to check out Man on Wire, which I haven't seen but am assured by Ben Coffman is tremendous. If you can only travel to the big corporate bad boys, Ghost Town should allow Ricky Gervais to make you laugh once or twice. That's the best you're going to do.

That's my recommendation: See Man on Wire at Film Streams or, if you have to, Ghost Town at the big-business theaters.

On DVD: We're trying something new in the next issue of The Reader and are going to spotlight a film that breezed through Omaha before hitting DVD. That film is Snow Angels. Not to tip my hand to my upcoming review but I strongly urge you to rent this only if you have incredible intestinal fortitude, this sucker is hard to watch. Plus, don't say I didn't warn you that awful, awful things happen. Okay, my actual recommendation is Speed Racer, which isn't great. It's good, but it isn't great. It's certainly not deserving of the dead-possum beating it received at the box office. It's goofy fun with car-fu, a hot Christina Ricci, and a freaking monkey. What else do you want? Epilepsy? No problem, we can do that.

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

I feel more pressure now that I've invented the Syrek Statistic Score(TM). Last week I was surprisingly decent and, as a reward, I now have to contend with four incredibly mediocre-to-outright-awful films. How can anyone accurately predict if people would rather watch Sam Jackson suck again or Kate Hudson's generically titled My Best Friend's Girl (we managed to go this far without even mentioning the jar of feces that is Dane Cook's latest). It's tough to say really, and I know that so many lives depend on the accuracy of these predictions that I can't fathom failure. You can't tell, but I'm cyber-crossing myself right now. Away we go.

Here's how I see it:

1.) Lakeview Terrace - $14.5 million

I hate that we encourage Sammy this way. Then again, I was one of the four people who saw The Man in the theater (good thing, or we would have had riots in the streets, as the movie did more to set back race relations than Orenthal). This isn't a success or a failure, it's the only movie opening in mid September with someone that people have seen before.

2.) Burn After Reading - $11 million

Hopefully, this continues to get good word of mouth and sees widespread success. There's two reasons why: (1) If it does well commercially, the Coen's get a bigger bankroll for their next film and (possibly) the opportunity to do something more commercial (Moriarty from Aintitcool.com wants to see them take on Superman, how cool would that be?) and (2) if it does well, maybe better movies get released in September. Just saying.

3.) My Best Friend's Girl - $10 million

This could sneak up to number two or even number one. It really should be either number one or number two because it is most reminiscent of a bathroom occurrence.

4.) Tyler Perry's The Family That Preys - $9 million

Thankfully, the marketing messiah only hits theaters and then quickly runs away, meaning I won't have to be typing or referring to Tyler Perry's this or Tyler Perry's that for much longer. Unless he wants to buy the blog. I have no problem with Tyler Perry's Cutting Room Floor if the money's right.

5.) Righteous Kill - $8 million

This was the toughest spot this week. Could be Igor, but I don't think enough parents even know it's coming out or what it is. Could be Ghost Town, but nobody knows Ricky Gervais. We'll go with the movie that has people that audiences have heard of. Seems like as good a bet as any. That said, if I lose mucho statistics, it will be on this pick.

Have a good weekend and remember, only you can prevent bad movies from doing good money.

Quick Clips for Thursday September 18

Encouraging Kick Ass-ery

When I first regularly started using "the Internet," invented by Al Gore years before John McCain invented the blackberry, it was partially inspired by Aintitcoolnews (aintitcool.com). It was during the Star Wars Episode I madness, and I was trolling the site daily for any tidbit I could ("What's a Jar-Jar? I don't know, but it's gonna be sweet!"). I loved that many site contributors used codenames (codenames that were totally unnecessary and often completely ridiculous, who would believe a rumor from Amphibious Hemaphroditus?), and my favorite was Moriarty, a skilled writer who took his name, not from some ridiculous B-grade sci-fi villain, but from arguably the greatest evil mastermind ever conceived. This is a long way of getting to the point about how excited I am that Moriarty got his hands on a script for the upcoming Kick Ass, which is based on a comic book I am loving from Mark Millar and John Romita Jr (who is my all-time, no-doubt-about-it, made-my-wife-memorize-his-name-and-style comic book artist...in fact, if y'all want to chip in for some original JR JR art for X-mas, that'd be great). The plot of the comic isn't exactly big-studio friendly (MINOR SPOILER ALERT: Part of the script involves an 11-year-old who repeatedly decapitates and mutilates bad guys with a giant sword...something I am NOT advocating children actually try). As one would imagine, it is this sort of unique development that gives the comic its fresh feel and was very likely to have been tamed-down or deleted by studio suits, which is why director Matthew Vaughn went indie (sort of indie) with it. Color me impressed that Nic Cage signed on to the script Moriarty describes, which seems to have kept everything (down to the murderous tween and the main character who fakes gay to get close to a girl). Moriarty really flipped for the script, and, as they're already shooting it, it looks like that's what we're going to get. People have been wondering for awhile now what the next evolution of comic book movies will be, with Watchmen and Kick Ass (hell, with The Dark Knight really), we may finally have an answer. Oh, and Nic, if this is as good as it could be, you're forgiven for Ghost Rider. Also, did I mention McLovin' is in this? Because he is.

Unless "Splash Mountain" is about piles of dead mermaids, it should not be made

Okay, so Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson is actually a pretty charismatic guy. He just makes terrible, terrible, terrible movies so often that it's easy to forget that he has a moderate amount of talent. Not helping that statement is news from Variety, which reports that Dwayne is starring in Tomorrowland, some kind of future/space/whogivesacrap movie that is allegedly based on the Disney ride. It's been said before and it will be said again, just because Johnny Depp made Pirates of the Caribbean good does not mean that it was a good idea. (A) Pirates are inherently cool and (B) Depp went mental on the thing, resulting in awesomeness. Does anyone remember Haunted Mansion? No, well I do, because I saw the wretched, evil thing. It sat in my mind like a filthy worm, eating all the good thoughts away. Sci-fi films are often fun, and Dwayne should be doing more action-type movies (were this the 80s, the dude would have been bigger than human growth hormone spokesman Sly and man boob spokesman Arnold). I just hate it that something like $100 million will be invested in this crap and yet studios are shutting down smaller films. Worse is that, from a business standpoint, they're making the right decision. Sorry, I didn't think the Rock starring in a theme-park ride movie would turn so maudlin.

If you told me 10 years ago I would put MTV and "Fear of Flying" in the same sentence, I would have wept

So, MTV.com is getting hot and heavy into this whole movie rumor business, which is good for me (more free sources, hooray!) but bad for actual information (Headline: Michael Caine confirms Depp and Hoffman for Batman 3; Fact: No, no he did not). Still, this one is more believable, the alleged news site claims that Diane English (whose The Women is currently setting the box office on fire...no...okay, well it's making it toasty...no...okay, we'll it's breathing hot air on it) will next tackle Erica Jong's 1973 bestseller "Fear of Flying," a book that set off a strong feminist reaction with a plot about a woman who travels through Vienna porking tons of dudes. The book sold 20 million copies and, more importantly, coined the phrase "zipless f**k," which I simply do not use enough. English explains that the film will flashback to a time when "women couldn't even get a credit card on her own." Here's the thing: I want this to be a great movie. I want this to make an indelible statement about the state of feminism, applauding how far the movement has come and urging people regarding how much farther there is to go. However, I am not encouraged by English saying "It's kind of like the original Sex in the City." No, hell no. No it isn't. For those who don't know, my opinion of "Sex in the City" goes something like this: Every copy of every episode (and now the film) should be destroyed post haste before any other naive human is subjected to "independent women" who act like catty morons who are so materialistic and stupid that their lives are devoid of meaning without shopping and men (underlined by the film, wherein "Big" mentally abuses the shit out of Carrie before the two are reunited, as if to say "check it out, even when he craps on her, she still loves him.") I could continue, but let's just say that "Fear of Flying" is like "Sex in the City" in so far as there is sex in both. Beyond that and the fact that there are words involved, they are nothing alike. Should English turn "Fear" into "Sex in the City" she will be doing females a greater disservice than "The Women," which I though was impossible. Get your stuff together Diane, this one matters.

Quick clips for Wednesday September 17

The news is so slow this week, Zach Galifianakis got an entire headline

Sorry to Galifianakis fans, this isn't going to have much to do with the bearded one and his offbeat brand of hipster comedy. This is actually a post about Nicole Kidman, who has the honor of recently being named the most overpaid actor in Hollywood (based on a return-on-dollars-invested ratio, which revealed for every dollar Kidman received, studios got half a pack of gum and a full can of tuna). In this the slowest of news months, Kidman's agreement to star in The Eighth Wonder, which hopes to capitalize on the void left in the adventure film world after National Treasure 2 staked its claim as the worst way to spend two hours that don't involve Bill O'Reilly and Sean Hannity. According to The Hollywood Reporter, the film will center on an "archaeological discovery" and (here's the best, most populous-whoring statement) "will be to Raiders of the Lost Ark what Bourne movies are to James Bond movies." Except that Raiders is one of the top 10 films of all time and Bourne was following two 007 movies that included Halle Berry and Denise Richards. Point is, without a script (the report says, no worries, "Simon Kinberg will write the script in the fall."), it's already failed. The more I think of it, Kinberg is a genius; he just sold a pitch for millions that consisted of "somebody finds something cool." I have to get an agent and start taking meetings, I can come up with those ideas. "What if, somebody talked to somebody they shouldn't have and found out something that will change everything." Pay me a million.

Jason Statham to star in movie that sounds like an accused pervert

According to empireonline.com, Jason Statham will take a break from being in movies directed by Uwe Boll and Paul WS Anderson (the two worst directors of anything, I'm talking worse than ex-felons who direct traffic around a construction site) to star in a movie written by David and Janet Peoples that sort of has something to do with Treasure of the Sierra Madre, which means that (according to today's press releases) every movie next year will involve treasure of some kind. The film is tentatively called The Grabbers, which is the worst title I've ever heard for something that isn't (A) a schlock horror film about toilet monsters, (B) soft-core porn on Skinemax, or (C) the secret service codename for Larry Craig. The thing about Statham is, he has a small range, but is so charismatic within that range that he needs to enjoy his time there...and maybe be a little less prolific. He's got Transporter 3 and Crank: High Voltage later this year...these works of art should represent an entire year's output, there's no need to sign up for anything else this year, okay Jason? As I say this, I'm pretty sure he just signed on to a Dane Cook movie.

You think I'm kidding about how un-newsworthy rumors are this week...check this out

Beverly Hills Ninja, a movie only successful (minutely successful) because people loved Chris Farley, is getting a sequel 11 years later. Oh yeah, this is happening. Variety reports that the film will begin shooting in South Korea next month, the first mainstream Hollywood movie to do so. Too...many...thoughts.

1.) I love that the first olive-branch extended to the film industry in South Korea is Beverly Hills Ninja 2. It was the third option, next to a 5-ton flaming pile of dog crap and Beverly Hills Chihuahua.

2.) Speaking of that cursed dog movie, if your movie starts with Beverly Hills, I'm not watching it. Know that now.

3.) David Hasselhoff is in this movie. I'm not kidding. So, if you're keeping track at home, that's a sequel to a marginally successful, decade-old movie, the star of which is dead, now featuring David Hasselhoff.

4.) This is not going direct-to-video. Sony is eyeing a May release. That's Summer blockbuster season. Forget the election, I'm starting a campaign to fight the release of this film. So help me God if it makes $4.00, I will take hostages.

Quick clips for Tuesday September 16

Impressive things Ben Affleck is doing besides Jennifer Garner

People who know me at all know that I looooooved Gone Baby Gone, the best film of last year. People who really know me know that I have had a man crush on Ben Affleck for the better part of the last decade and a half (Lord, I'm old). There's just something about the guy that makes me root for him and, hey, if I couldn't pull down Jennifer Garner, there's no one else I'd want to have her. That's why I'm excited to see him realizing that his talents as an actor are...we'll go with "limited," but his talents as a director have crazy potential. So I'm both anxious and nervous to see The Hollywood Reporter announcing he'll be starring in (boo) and directing (YAY) The Town, a dark, romantic, heist flick based on the novel "Prince of Theives" about a love triangle between a bank manager, a thief, and an FBI agent. Provided he keeps his style more noir than hip (meaning more like Gone Baby Gone or Payback than Out of Sight), I think this could be a good fit...provided they don't cast high-profile hotties in the lead roles. I don't want to see Cameron Diaz or Drew Barrymore as the bank manager, Affleck as the thief (you know that's going to be his role), and Orlando Bloom as the FBI agent. The way the Internet works these days, Cameron Diaz, Drew Barrymore, and Orlando Bloom have now been rumored to be in The Town just because I used them as examples. You just watch.

Woo hoo, what did I tell you! I win! I win...nothing.

I guess this is just me saying "I told you so," even though I'm not sure who "you" are and I'm not really good enough to be bragging about anything involving box office prediction. That said, WHOOO DOGGIES did I call it or what?! The House Bunny must have a Karl Rovian-style spin campaign because that film was not, I repeat, NOT the 5th place movie as they claimed. Once the last dollar, rupel, bead, and shekel was counted, Tropic Thunder took the 5th place position as it rightfully deserved. I know, right now you're thinking, "Ryan, this is incredibly fascinating and I can't imagine how this day could have started any better, thank you so much for this information...is there any more?" Why yes, thanks for asking, there is. This change made my weekly prediction crazy accurate as I correctly predicted the rank and dollar amount ($4 million). That changes my overall accuracy for the week from a measly 64% to a whopping 84%! And that's even with people suddenly deciding to like good things more than crap and opting to see Burn Before Reading! Okay, I should point out that this new found optimism won't last long, as this weekend sees four incredibly mediocre films opening and deciding the cream of the crap will be difficult. Still, I'm encouraged by this recent turn of events as I believe I am no longer the worst box office prognosticator not currently working for Wireless magazine.

Slow news day blues cured by Netflix's "Piss yourself" contest

Okay, so technically Netflix is not offering 10 grand for the person who can most frequently urinate on themselves, but I'm not sure that doing so wouldn't help in winning the contest they are sponsoring. The latest marketing ploy is the Netflix Movie Watching World Championship, which takes place in New York City from October 2-7. The contest involves watching consecutive movies (with only 10 minutes between films to eat, drink, and...if you aren't okay with a little pant pee...urinate), and the previous record holder was Ashish Sharma of India who watched 120 hours and 23 minutes of movies. The real question isn't "why the hell would anyone do this?" or "it's not like you can watch someone do this so where's the excitement?" or "can we get back to the pant wetting?" No, the real question is "what movies are they going to watch?" There's 56 of them, which is insane (especially when I realize this is still less than I watch in a year...crap), but I think the bigger torture than watching 56 consecutive films is watching 10 of the worst films in a row. Seriously, after you watch a second screening of Sam Jackson's The Man, if you don't tap out, you're inhuman. If you want to possibly be one of these competitors, search "Netflix Movie Watching World Championship" on Facebook.com and then really think about your life goals. If you still want to do this, talk to your parents and family members and try to endure their shame. If you still want to do this, consider the experience of soiling yourself in public. If you still want to do this, you're my kind of sick bastard.

Quick clips for Monday September 15

Weekend Box Office Results: Whaddya mean people chose the good movie?

Talk about the craziest thing to ever happen on a given weekend...apparently, people went in droves to see the best film that came out this weekend. I know, I'm shocked too. I know that Clooney and Pitt are a draw (men want to be them, women want them, and some men want them), but I have to think that this is also due to (A) people actually paying attention to the Coen Brothers for a change and (B) my recommendations. I think it most heavily rests on the latter, but that's just my Monday cup of coffee talking (I'm serious, it's talking...help me).

Okay, we're going to do this differently. Thanks to the overwhelming response I received from people helping to pick how I'm going to measure my box office predictions (and by overwhelming response I mean the aforementioned cup of coffee and the hum of my office fan)! I'm going to go ahead and decide how to measure this and here's what I came up with. I will subtract one point from 5 for every rank I was off for the film (I said it would be first, it was second, that's 5-1 = 4) and divide that by 5 (0.8 in this example) to get my first stat (which is the correctness...okay, the incorrectness of ranking). The second stat is easier. I will divide what I projected the film would make by what it did make (I said $15.5 million, it did $16 million, the total is .96875). If I go over, I will still divide by the actual total and then subtract 2 (for example, I say $25 million, it does $16 million, that's 1.5625, subtract 2 and ignore the negative and I get 0.4375). I'll then average the two numbers to give my total accuracy for the individual film and then take an average of all films for my total. If I don't include a movie in my top 5 that is in the top five, I will automatically lose 20% off my total average. This is complicated, but none of you helped so don't complain.

Here are the results:

1.) Burn After Reading - $19.5 million (Accuracy of prediction: 61%)

Holy crap! Being wrong never felt so good. It is so refreshing that people flocked to this one, making it a runaway hit. That never happens for good movies, it only happens for lame-ass sequels and movies that rerun in perpetuity on USA. Nice work, America! Take the week off of work. I'm being told that I don't have the authority to declare that you can take the week off, but I won't tell if you don't.

2.) Tyler Perry's The Family That Preys - $18 million (Accuracy of prediction: 84.4%)

I make a lot of fun of Tyler Perry's name branding but good Lord are his fans loyal. It doesn't matter the plot, the stars, the time of year the film is released, people are GOING to go see his films opening weekend. If he continues to keep his costs at around $30 million, dude is going to one day have enough money to own us all. I will then be known as Tyler Perry's Ryan Syrek.

3.) Righteous Kill - $16.5 million (Accuracy of prediction: 79.4%)

This may not be the huge hit it would have been back when Pacino and DeNiro were famous. Still, this isn't a terrible opening and it will do huge money on DVD, where people like my dad will rent it. Then it will go to TNT, where it will run in between those awful Morgan Freeman serial killer movies and "Law and Order." If that isn't a lasting work of art, I don't know what is.

4.) The Women - $10 million (Accuracy of prediction: 95.5%)

Can I call the reaction to a mediocre Meg Ryan movie or what?! It is a little sad to see such talented women fall so flat...but then again, that's a pretty common occurrence in Hollywood these days. Can't anyone write for women? Women maybe? I'm just saying, if you make a movie women love, you get Mamma Mia, if you don't, welcome to fourth place.

5.) The House Bunny - 4.3 million (Accuracy of prediction: 0%)

Are you kidding me? I still don't understand how this happens. Anyway, this may end up reversing after the actuals are tallied and Tropic Thunder may come in at 5th AND have the total I predicted. If not, screw Anna Farris.

Overall accuracy this week: 64%

This could go up if Tropic Thunder gets added in. If it doesn't, not a stellar week to debut my statistics. Unhappy Monday to me.

It's already better than Ethan Almighty

Darren Aronofsky, who (if you haven't paid attention) is my directorial man crush, is getting critical kissyfaces for his current film The Wrestler (which he deserves after The Fountain wasn't hailed as the genius it was) and is set to have huge box office with his "reimagining" (which is currently the most popular Hollywood buzz word that doesn't have to do with STDs) of Robocop. This is good because it may pave the way for him to film the movie he's been jonesing to do: A biblical epic about Noah's ark. Say what now? Aronofsky recently spoke to Peter Sciretta in Toronto and said "It's the end of the world and it's the second most famous ship after the Titanic, so I'm not sure why any studio won't want to make it." I'll go a step further, Darren my boy, you have a built in Christian audience (they made the crappy Lion-Jesus movie a huge hit...although they couldn't make the River-Jesus sequel work), you have the "disaster movie factor" (forget about Poseidon), and I'm willing to argue that the ark can edge the Titanic in terms of worldwide recognition. I've never been excited for a biblical epic before, but a 100% Heston-free Old Testament movie sounds kick ass, if the guy doing it also did a movie about drug use and featured a terrifying final sequence that involved sex toys. Why wouldn't he be perfect for this job?!

This is just an excuse for me to talk about how excited I am that I am excited again for a Kevin Smith movie

You have to understand that, back in the day (a phrase I am now legally old enough to use), I looooooved me some Kevin Smith. Not that I don't now, it's just been awhile since I was truly thrilled by something he did. His last 4 or 5 films were okay-to-below average. Still, Chasing Amy is one of my favorite films ever and he's the only director whose autographed poster is on my wall (yes, for Mallrats, which I loved...see how much I loved him). That's why the buzz and advance praise for Zack and Miri Make a Porno is warming my heart. I want Kevin Smith to succeed. I need Kevin Smith to succeed. This is a man who my wife bravely asked a question to at a comic convention, a man who half-mocked my wife in a huge crowd of people and FURTHER ENDEARED himself to us at that point. That said, here's the new poster for the movie, a poster that further makes me think good and funny things are on the way:

Friday Free-For-All

Breaking news, a Cutting Room Floor exclusive: There's going to be an Iron Man 2 and 3

Devin from Chud.com, by far the funniest mothertrucker in the Internet movie rumor mongering business, got a chance to hang out with the ever-expanding John Favreau. The former "Friends" star (sorry, but that's how I remember him) was filming some interview stuff for the DVD release of Iron Man, which is about a man dressed in iron in case you haven't seen it. There are tons upon tons of news nuggets from this interview that will give comic book fans an anticipation chubby. That said, much of the following won't make sense unless you have passing knowledge of the "Iron Man" comic book series. If not, there's this great site called Wikipedia, I highly recommend it for anything but instructions as to performing surgery. Of all the notes (and there are many) that Devin drops, the ones that interested me the most were (A)Tony Stark's friend Rhodey, who turns into War Machine (another armored suit), is going to have a bigger role in the second movie (which is totally cool so long as Terrence Howard doesn't sing R&B while inside the metal costume), and (B) the villain of the trilogy will be The Mandarin...but the problem is turning a caricature of Asians who wields magic rings into...I don't know...a non-caricature of Asians who doesn't wield magic rings. Favreau says he thinks of Mandarin as The Emperor (before he became totally lame) and also hinted that the recent acts of Putin and company in Russia may have revitalized the possibility of seeing The Crimson Dynamo as a baddie. See Georgia, it was all worth it. Your suffering and loss of sovereignty gave us a potentially great supervillian in a comic book movie and some great moments of a certain VP candidate trying to remember the flash-card that said "South Ossetia."

Weekend Battle Plan: Tyler Perry recommends that Tyler Perry fans listen to Tyler Perry and seek out Tyler Perry's new movie: Tyler Perry's The Family That Preys...so says Tyler Perry...Tyler Perry (it's like Tourette syndrome)

Okay, so the weekend looks pretty bleak unless you're a big fan of a certain aforementioned self-promoting producer. We have the "Bionic Woman" Meg Ryan ("we can rebuild her...we can make her smoother, puffier, less attractive"), Annette Benning (incredible actress...terrible agent), Eva Mendes (body = va-va-voom; talent = zzzzzzzzzzz), Jada Pinkett Smith (I actually really like her...can we get her in something good), and a few others starring in a remake of the 1930s comedy The Women. When this was rumored, it was buzzed about strongly...now it's opening in mid-September. Ouch. We also have Righteous Kill, a movie so unappealing I'm shocked Ashley Judd isn't in it. Yes, I know: DeNiro. Pacino. Whocareso. These two have spent the twilight of their career soiling the first part of their career. They are caricatures of themselves and this movie isn't fit for a "Law and Order" plot. Finally, the Coen brothers follow up Oscar gold with Burn After Reading, with George Clooney and Brad Pitt. I loooooooved The Big Lebowski, and the Coen boys' talent for screwball is unparalleled in modern times. In case you couldn't sniff it out, this is the one to see.

That's my recommendation: Get to Burn After Reading and reward intelligent filmmakers, talented actors, and the kind of comedy that should be made (the kind without exposed scrotums...what's the plural of scrotum? scroti? anyway...the kind without insulting stupidity).

On DVD: I really must trust Ben Coffman. I'm recommending The Fall over both Forgotten Kingdom (there's some kind of cosmic synergy that allows the Jackie Chan/Jet Li movie to release on DVD the same week as the Pacino/DeNiro pairing...some kind of cosmic synergy that unites projects made DECADES LATE) and Baby Mama (for the record, I still love you Tina Fey and you too Amy Poehler). Supposedly visually cool and really weird, the plot sounds kind of like Mirrormask to me and I loved every nightmare-inducing minute of that one. You may as well check it out, everyone else is going to rent the other two. So that's it: Rent The Fall.

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

This has nothing to do with anything, but Chud.com just ran a headline that said "Never go full Juliard." That's one of the funniest things I've heard all week. Anyhoo...I want to start keeping track of the terrible job I'm doing on the predictions somehow. I know there's some kind of algorithm or mathematical formula that can give me a percentage of accuracy. If someone out there can figure it out I will give you vast riches...and by vast riches I mean a public shout out. That is, provided there are people reading this. At any rate. Here's my predictions for the first week post-Worst Week Ever (ie, the lowest number one film in 5 years).

1.) Tyler Perry's The Family That Preys - $16 million

I will never bet against Tyler Perry. The man's audiences will come despite rain, snow, or less-than-good material. Seriously, I bet you when you hear stories from people in Texas who didn't flee Ike, they're going to say "I had to stay to watch the new Tyler Perry movie."

2.) Righteous Kill - $13 million

I hope that this movie was made for $12 million, because it isn't going to have a very long shelf life. The least skilled use of two great actors I've seen since the infamous Marlon Brando vs Paul Newman whiffle ball game.

3.) Burn After Reading - $12 million

It's a toss-up for me whether this will find a bigger audience than The Women. It's going to be close. I'm giving this one the edge since both men AND women want to see Brad Pitt act like a chode...whereas only women want to see Meg Ryan...ever.

4.) The Women - $11 million

The strategy of showing a scantily-clad Eva Mendes aside, the studio is hoping that football widows come out in droves. You catch more flies with honey that doo-doo.

5.) Tropic Thunder - $4 million

Crossing the $100 million barrier, providing important life lessons about "going full retard," and redeeming (to a small, small degree) Tom Cruise...forget Oscar, let's give this a Nobel Peace Prize.