Wednesday Free-For-All

And now, a slightly different opinion

So, for the last two weeks, I've basically made Twilight my beyotch on this blog, toasting it over a nice hot flame of "mygoddoesitsuck." That said, my opinion is but one of a chorus of voices here at The Reader's film section, and some of those voices were at least curious (and not curious as in "Oh my God, touch it, is it still alive? Can you smell it? Does it smell like feet dipped in rotten bacon?" curious). Thus, our own Patricia Sindelar dispatched herself (I'm not about to ask anybody to see this thing; it's tantamount to saying "this tastes like horsedookie, try it") and has sent back this report from the front lines of suck:

Twilight for the Aging
By Patricia Sindelar

From Nosferatu to Blackula, it’s pretty clear humans love vampires. And there’s a certain kind of human (teenage girl) that goes absolutely crazy for a certain kind of vampire (the forever-17, conflicted, bad/good boy who falls head-over-heels for the innocent high-school classmate).

I’m guilty of it; I was reading Anne Rice in the seventh grade but that didn’t stop me from falling in love with LJ Smith’s young adult series "The Vampire Diaries," my generation’s "Twilight" … minus the big-screen production. Even though I never read "Twilight," I knew it would bring back those confusing adolescent feelings that ravaged me circa 1991. If my nostalgia weren’t enough, HBO’s new series "True Blood" was the nail in the coffin (so to speak) on my decision to fight the hordes of teenage girls and go see Twilight. I simply can’t get enough of vampires lately. Talk about symbiotic timing.

Fond sentimentality aside, the movie isn’t that good. Robert Pattinson as Edward Cullen is so ridiculously angsty, it’s like he watched too many Béla Lugosi movies and decided all vampires were over-the-top, even if they were high-school vampires. Kristen Stewart, on the other hand, is a perfectly delightful Bella. She’s witty, laid back and drop-dead gorgeous. If you just focus on her face, you can forget that Industrial Light and Magic provided some of the worst special effects in theaters this year.

That contingency may be symptomatic of the plot line, though, because the story is incredibly, preposterously, unimaginably, cringe-worthy cheesy. Maybe even George Lucas can’t make a vampire running up the side of a mountain with a girl on his back look realistic. That scene looks more like a Chinese wire film than a huge-budget blockbuster. And there’s certainly nothing ILM can do for dialogue like “You’re like my own special brand of heroin,” or “Can you believe my dad paid me twenty bucks to come to your prom?” And there’s definitely nothing anyone can do about high-school girl in a prom dress and a leg cast. If there was an Oscar for Most Cheese In One Film, this would be a shoo-in.

Still, the armies of teenage girls ooohed and aaahed through the entire film...two hours of ooohing and aaahing. There were screams and gasps when Pattinson makes his dramatic entrance, and they didn’t stop. In fact, the best part about the film is listening to the audience and remembering what it’s like to be a 13-year-old girl.

Well, well, looks like I'm not alone, as even the semi-target audience seems to
recognize this for what it is. I do appreciate a female opinion on the matter, as the only ladies I've spoken to about the film have a vested interest in the matter (read: Robert Pattinson underoos). At least let it not be said that all criticism here has been dumped by someone unwilling to see the movie. One of us has, and may God have mercy on her memories.

Weekend battle plan: Longer movie = Less family talk

On the negative side, Australia is officially stupid long, playing footsie with the 3 hour mark (a time limit that shouldn't be approached by any clothed activity). On the plus side, that's three hours you don't have to find something in common with relatives. Your alternative (at least opening this week) is the Vince Vaughan/Reese Witherspoon (who I used to think was a talented, beautiful actress who was above such things) flick Four Christmases, which could only look more awful if it was called Twilight. Be forewarned, members of your family are going to want to see this movie. Members of your family also eat their turkey with cranberries on top of it and think "House" is the best show on television. Remind them that you have their best interests at heart and steer them as far away from theaters showing this rape of holiday joy. The males in your family will want to see Bond (a good idea), some females will want to see Twilight (I think we've covered that), and some children will want to see Bolt, which is a good compromise. I didn't mean to gloss over Australia, which will also be a good choice for the whole family, provided you don't mind if mee-maw and pops wind up taking a three hour nap in the theater (which will be like paying 20 bucks a piece to have them sleep in the most uncomfortable non-wicker furniture ever). So, here's the complex recommendations:

Whole family - Australia
Kids - Bolt (but for the love of God not Madagascar 2: Madagastroenteritis
Ladies - Australia (for the romance)
Boys - Quantum of Solace
Freakshows and deviants - Twilight

On DVD: This is more than likely what will actually happen. Those not content to watch the football (and Lord help us we have the 0-11 Detroit Lions on TV this time out) will likely want to hit the couch for a good flick. Tropic Thunder is too racy for the elderly (I don't want to watch it with anyone I'm related to so that they can't judge what I find funny), Fred Claus makes me sad (oh Vince Vaughan, what happened buddy?), and Wall-E is an absolutely splendid choice (except some people hate the animated movies). So, I guess Hancock will please most of the crowd (even though the ending kind of sucks). Look, I'm trying the best I can here, but Hollywood isn't helping. Would it kill you to play a board game? Maybe if that board game is "One, Two, Cyanide."

Fearless, flawless box office predictions

There were three ways to go about this: (1) I could duck the predictions altogether (but I'm not a coward...if you call me "yellow" I go all Marty McFly on your ass), (2) I could only predict the weekend totals (easy, peasy, one two threesy), (3) I could challenge myself and really go for it, giving you the 5 day totals. Oh yeah, I'm the mans (yeah, I pluralized it, because I'm that good), I chose the hard one because, as a wise man once told me "that's what she said." Now, I'm sitting on a pretty good streak here, so I really want to not screw this up. That means not taking too many gambles and playing it generally safe (I'm going to need predictability here people, don't do anything crazy). I've got 6 movies that could make the top 5, so one of them is going to be left out...I just hope I pick the right one.

Here's how I see it:

1.) Twilight - 5-day total - $40 million

I can't see anything less than a huge, 60% drop off, given that everyone who wanted to see this dookieburger already did. Unless grammy is holding out a secret affinity for pale tweens, Thanksgiving will not help this flick soar to awful computer generated heights.

2.) Four Christmases - 5-day total - $32 million

This is a two-way battle for supremacy between this piece of crap and the other piece of crap. Funny story, I've trained my wife so well with critics (meaning, I show her pictures of Jeffrey Lyons and say "bad" and show Roger Ebert and say "good") that she told me "Shalit hated Four Christmases." This is important because it marks the first time Gene Shalit has ever disliked a movie.

3.) Transporter 3 - 5-day total - $25 million

I like Jason Statham as much as the next guy (unless the next guy really likes Jason Statham, then he wins). That said, I can't see how this is the third film in this series and how it is likely to STILL do well. You go Jason, you go.

4.) Bolt - 5-day total - $24 million

The little dog-and-hamster show SHOULD keep Madagas-don't from reaching the top 5 again...please,please,please.

5.) Quantum of Solace - 5-day total - $21 million

What a crazy drop-off last week. Don't tell me that this film isn't worth watching several times. Really, don't tell me that because I have to see it again.

Okay gang, that's it. Travel safe and have a wonderful holiday. I'll catch you back here on Monday, 3-5 pounds heavier in my midsection.

Quick clips for Tuesday November 25

What? Like Will Smith can't resurrect himself?

Here's how little I care for the ending of I am Legend (at least the one that was actually released in theaters...more on that in a minute...I rule at foreshadowing): I'm going to just tell you what happens. Will Smith's character keeps a grenade in his basement laboratory, you know just in case, and sends random girl and her boy through an escape hatch (he doesn't go with because somebody has to use the grenade). So he explodes for no reason and they save the world or some such shit. Now, on the DVD you are treated to a FAR better (although 100% less grenade-tastic) ending, wherein Smith realizes that HE has become the boogieman to the monster people (which was the whole point of the title and the book, but I digress) and survives with that knowledge. Why do I bring all this up? Because Aintitcool.com is reporting that I Am Legend II, or as they are cleverly calling it II Am Legend and as Chud.com is calling it I Am Legender, is no longer going to be a prequel but a sequel...which is insane because Will Smith is in chunks according to the end of the last movie (again, at least the end that people saw in theaters). I am really unclear how they can Houdini their way out of this little issue without revising what we saw happen in the last scene of the first film. This isn't to say they won't find a way around it, when your film clears $400 million globally you will write a sequel that involves time traveling penguins if you have to (hands off of Time Traveling Penguins by the way, it's going to be my first family film and will combine the big-time boner people have for penguins on screen and time travel, which will allow for wackiness...wackiness is a must). Oh, and I tried all morning to come up with something more clever than II Am Legend or I Am Legender and all I could do was Eye Am Legend, which would star Smith's eyeball, the only part of him that survived the self-inflicted grenade attack.

B-star my beating heart

What sucks only slightly less than having an awesome sci-fi show cancelled before they can deliver a satisfying finale? Making a die hard audience wait almost a year to find out how the series ends for what can only be described as no reason whatsoever. Books could be written on the Sci-Fi Channel's mismanaging of one of the single greatest television shows of all time (yes, I can defend that statement, don't make me). Thankfully, the reign of terror comes to an end shortly, as Battlestar Galactica returns to me....oh, sweet heaven. Having spent the last I-don't-know-how-long contemplating that final, jaw-dropping shot of what was the end of season 4.5 (by the way, the only show EVER to have "half-seasons," nice going Sci-Fi Channel, I guess you had to make room on the schedule for "Man-Gnat: Half-man, half-gnat, all evil"), I can only tell you that I have no idea where they go from here. I mean, forget the whole "who is the last Cylon" business (because I have no idea on that one either...although something weird tells me they're going to go super offbeat and it's going to be Cally or something), I can't imagine how they are physically going to end this. Oh, and the best part: We're getting a Battlestar prequel show...on the Sci-Fi network...oh crap. They'll likely order 12 episodes and spread them out once a year for 12 years. Anyway, the "news" of the day is below these words, the awesome-tastic preview for the final 10 episodes. Once these 10 are gone, it'll be me duty to try to convince my wife to start from the beginning and watch the series with me (she hasn't seen one yet). Yes, I have very small goals in life.

A news week so slow, I contemplate Incredible Hulk 2

Despite popular opinion which holds that the best use of the Hulk would be as the villain in the upcoming Avengers movie, the guy who played Samuel Sterns (aka, the guy who goes on to be the evil villain The Leader) told Aintitcool.com that he was signed on for 2 more movies and was expecting to play the large-domed evil-doer (seriously, if you've read the comic you know that he has the most phallic cranium ever imagined). Now, although I like Tim Blake Nelson and although he doesn't outright say that they are going to do this, they aren't going to make two more Hulk movies. First off, Norton (who was, let's go with difficult on the set of the last film) isn't necessarily guaranteed to come back, which would mean ANOTHER switch of the lead actor (compare and contrast with I Am Legend, which is so desperate they are resurrecting their character so the same guy can appear in the next movie). Second of all, the film didn't do gargantuan box office. It was more like decent, which means the chances of another one aren't high. Third, nobody cares about this series. The only reason I'm even writing about it is because I'm a completist so I had to give in to my OCD (which I caught from my wife, I swear) and give y'all a third post (despite their not being a third bit of significant news). So, sorry Mr. Blake Nelson, you aren't leadin' crap.

Quick clips for Monday November 24

Movie that made money gets sequel

This is the first in a series of shocking headlines such as "Popular film gets good release date" and "Famous actor gets large contract." In the slow news week that is Thanksgiving week, news of even the most obvious kind is welcomed. Actually, this is a good time to mention I'll be eating on Thursday morning (no blog for you) and I'll be recovering from eating on Friday morning (no blog for you), putting the long-awaited, epic, beloved, eagerly anticipated event of the year (ie, the 100th post of Cutting Room Floor: The Blog) back a few days. Deal with it. Anyway, the news of the day that I've been dancing around is that Matt Damon (he who was once thought pansie who is now thought tough guy) is returning to the role that depansified him. At the very least, we're getting Bourne 4: Epilepsy Strikes Back but we could be getting even more than that, provided Damon doesn't break a hip. Now, I've heard people talk about how awesome the Bourne series is (and they're right) but I've also heard them mention the great story, which is crap. The movies do have giant flaw in that they have terribly, terribly weak plots and somewhat disorienting overarching themes. Honest, I have no recollection whatsoever where we left the story (whatever there was of it) and where it could go from here. Really, what they do well is "in the moment" stuff, creating crazy good tension, executing awesome performances, and giving a great tone to their movies...not so much with the cohesive narratives. So when I hear people audibly worrying about whether or not this return to the franchise is warranted in terms of story, I have to laugh harder than that time grammy meant to say Virginia and said vagina. More Bourne = more ass kickery. I'm on board...or should I say, "I'm on Bourne." I shouldn't? Okay, point taken.

Give thanks, then fight

After having operated without a contract since July, the SAG (screen actors guild) has just approved a motion to vote for a work stoppage. Basically, the Academy of Motion Picture and Television Producers (AMPTP or just asshats for short) have reportedly had trouble keeping their word to the Writer's Guild (WGA), whom you'll remember from the strike of last year. Now, this move to authorize a strike doesn't mean that there will actually be a strike, but it certainly doesn't make one less likely. Talk about a no-win situation for either side, as part of the strike negotiations DO involve public opinion (which is why you see picket lines and protests on TV). Will EITHER side get any sway from the public in this economic climate (today's forecast calls for a shit storm of unemployment). Somehow, I doubt we're going to feel bad for these millionaires or those millionaires. Also, it's a heck of a lot easier to gain sympathy for writers, who toil in obscurity and look like you and me. When we watch beautiful people who we've paid good money to see time and time again (and watched on MTV's "Cribs" sleeping in a gold hyperbolic chamber in a house made out of diamonds, baby seals, and children's tears), we just don't have the same degree of sympathy. That said, the AMPTP is a bunch of douche hammers who are actively trying to screw the actors (in a way far more figurative than usual). Moral of the story: Get in a room and work this out pronto before you prove how un-recession proof your industry really is.

Weekend box office results: Like Paula Abdul's animated cat, I'm taking two steps back.

Well, not a horrible weekend really (for me, I could give a squat about the economics of Hollywood). I mean, it can't be as good as last week when I basked in the glow of the first A grade I had received in a long, long time (surprisingly, my wife doesn't give out letter grades at home, although I did get a "meets expectations"). Twilight did just about what we thought, killed everybody on Friday and then slowly faded back ($35 million on Friday night, and then $35 million between Saturday and Sunday combined). Plus, die-hard fans are coming out of the movie holding their nose (and not just because a third of the audience didn't shower), which means it ain't gonna have a really long shelf life. Oh, it'll clear $100 million with ease, probably getting close to $150 million, but that's not exactly a cultural phenomenon as was promised to me by Entertainment Weekly covers and constant "Today" show coverage. If I sound bitter, it's just because I only like GOOD things.

Here are the results:

1.) Twilight - $70.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 96%)

I knew that something was awry when the crazed fans I know (yes, I know some of them, no they don't like me much right now) didn't come out of the screenings yelling about how awesome it was. They all seem to like the smelly kid who plays the lead vampire, but I'm told all he wants to do is make music (seriously, you can't make this stuff up). I think it looks like Kristen Stewart wants to die in every promo and interview I see, so enjoy having 3 more movies to go Kristen!

2.) Quantum of Solace - $27.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 81%)

A big drop off was expected, but this was even a little more precipitous than I thought. There should be a nice Bond bump this weekend during Thanksgiving, as the male family members want to go see 007 kill and hump and the lady family members would kill to hump 007.

3.) Bolt - $27 million (Accuracy of prediction - 66%)

Ouch. Bad doggie. Looks like Disney DIDN'T overpay for Pixar when they struck that deal, as the work they did on their own is pretty much dying out of the gate. Now, it should have good legs with the holidays coming up but still...owie. Oh, totally non-related but Abbie and I watched Peter Pan for the first time since childhood last night...I had no idea that half of it was totally racist against Native Americans. I mean, crazy racist against Native Americans. If you think the Washington Redskins is offensive, checkout a movie where we analyze "why the red man's skin red." Ooooh.

4.) Madagascar 2: Mada-getgoing already - $16 million (Accuracy of prediction - 97%)

This will easily clear $150 million and has a shot at $200 million. I have no idea why.

5.) Role Models - $7 million (Accuracy of prediction - 96%)

You know what, I think Paul Rudd and Stiffler just gave me my second straight acceptable finish. I knew I loved them for a reason. Plus, I still really want to see this one. I also want to get a good night's sleep, but it's not going to happen.

Overall accuracy of prediction - 87%

It ain't last week's A, but a solid B+ is always welcomed.

Friday Free-For-All

The bruhaha in Omaha, the disastah in Nebraska...etc

Dundee Theatre is bringing in a movie I'm not going to get to review because of holiday deadlines (damn you, turkey...damn you to my belly). That said, I did want to make mention of what is an interesting little directorial debut from actor Stuart Townsend. Battle in Seattle is the tale of the 1999 World Trade Organization (far catchier than their original title: collection of bastards) meetings and protests in Seattle, where a bunch of people got gassed for gassing about gas bags. It was an important display of civil disobedience and public protest that just doesn't get talked about enough, largely due to everyone dismissing the acts of the vandalistic anarchists who went gonzo on the whole thing (damn you, anarchists...damn you to my belly?). The film itself, as adaptations of real events are wont to do, mixes in a bunch of fictional stories (don't worry people who live vicariously through fictional events, romance is in at least one of them) with a bunch of famous people (Connie Nielsen, Charlize Theron, Ray Liotta, Michelle Rodriguez, and Woody Harrelson). The results have been a little mixed, with Rotten Tomatoes floating just slightly above the Mendoza line in Tomatometer score (53% as of this writing) but the subject matter is enough to intrigue the Dickens out of me (and the Dickens is pretty firmly entrenched in me, so getting it out is very hard to do). I plan on circling back to this when it's released on DVD, if for no other reason than I find the subject personally interesting (were that I had been born in rainy/granola country, I undoubtedly would have been a protest monger who let his armpit hair grow out...whaddyamean dudes do that everywhere? Thanks for telling a guy). I'll keep you posted on that front but, for now, seeing as how your other choices are talking dogs or abstience-metaphor vampire tweens, I'd think about checking in with the Dundee.

Weekend Battle Plan: Tween invasion = Finding a safe place to hide

As is likely evident from my post yesterday, I'm not the biggest proponent of Twilight, the latest non-phenomenon-turned-phenomenon-by-media-desperate-for-a-phenomenon. It looks stupid. I'm not going to see it because I don't have to (no review this week on it and I didn't have to do the radio show this morning) and you shouldn't either, because it looks stupid. Really stupid...so stupid that the hack, smelly, actor kid playing the abstinence-only vampire even said publicly the books are lame (as did Kristen Stewart, who I like, so I won't make as much fun of her). It's not that I have some kind of stock in Twilight sinking, I'll just be really happy if it does. I want tweens to grow up reading things that are "good" and that stimulate their imagination regarding things that don't involve dry humping blood suckers. Again, I forgave Harry Potter because it was inherently creative, challenging younger audiences with imagination. Twilight is written by the crazy cat lady who wants to think about tweens doin' it with their clothes on (again, that's not my opinion, that was the opinion of the lead in the movie). In non-depressing news, Bolt will be a good alternative to parents who have been forced to suffer the undignified fate of attending Madagascar 2 several times. Still, I'm going to go ahead and advocate a return to 007-ville. If you haven't seen it, you need to, or the dry humping tween vampires win.

That's my recommendation: Make your first or second trip to see 007. Quantum of Solace rules even if it sounds insane.

On DVD: Wow, Sophie's Choice for me on DVD (wait, that wasn't a recommendation to actually rent Sophie's Choice, you'll have a really depressing party if you do that). I want to recommend Tropic Thunder because it made me laugh a lot (God bless you Robert Downey Jr) but I HAVE to recommend Wall-E because I loved the stuffing out of that robot. Seriously, just such a beautiful and tender film. I'm not saying it made me cry but the moisture on my shirt wasn't just male lactation.

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

I don't know how the h-tothe-E-tothe-double hockey sticks I got last week as good as I did (aside from the innate awesomeness that resides within me) but it felt good to not look like a total moron for a whole week. Let's see if we can keep that going. Likely not, but there's always that chance. The monkey wrench in the machine this time will be how truly rabid and deep the fanbase for preteen Harlequin romance novels is. Yes, it's going to do big money ON FRIDAY, but if the base is as limited as I suspect, it will die a hard and bitter death on Saturday and Sunday. Then again, those little devotees may go see it multiple times (because the alternative is pensive self-loathing and that's on tap for Monday).

Here's how I see it:

1.) Twilight - $65 million

This may be wildly low or wildly high, as the trends have been as low as $45 million and as high as $75 million. I personally can't see it even doing this well, but that's because I hate it with the fury I usually reserve for Green Bay Packer fans and dudes with stickers that have someone or something peeing on someone or something on their Hummer.

2.) Bolt - $40 million

Despite being better in every way (other than the involvement of Miley Cyrus, who I'm fast beginning to believe has been sent here to destroy anyone that Twilight doesn't get to first) than Madagascar 2, it won't be able to match the huuuuuge opening that film had. That's because it had a built in audience of adults who remember the zebra that says "crack-a-lacking" and the hippo with sass (kill. me. now.)

3.) Quantum of Solace - $32 million

I really wish this would have a huge second weekend, but chances are that many people already rushed out and saw it last weekend (as evident by the record-setting numbers last week). It really is just a very well assembled action film and warrants multiple viewing (and they didn't even pay me to say that...although I really could use the bribe money).

4.) Madagascar 2: Get it? The penguins are hysterical! - $17 million

Bolt will take a big bite out of this film's butt. A well-deserved big bite. This will be the last we see of this on the big board (I say big board like I'm John King at CNN with his magic machine...oh to have that opportunity! I would like nothing more than to expand and contract the heads of the actors within these movies. It's like cable news voodoo).

5.) Role Models - $6.5 million

The little-comedy-that-could will end up making around $75 million between DVD and big-screen. Proving that dudes from MTV's "The State" should be given as much money as they want to do whatever movie they want. Period. Please, please give me a cinematic version of "Lenny, the guy who says 'I wanna dip my balls in it.'"

Quick clips for Thursday November 20

Another reboot in your ass

The first two X-Men movies were pretty good (the first one being okay, and the second one giving me a nerd chubby); the third one was so, so bad (RATNER! - I'm making the executive decision to turn his name into a curse word). So what do you do when you kill a franchise? Start a new one? No, that's just for suckers and creative people. You reboot the old one by "reimagining it" and asking everyone who paid for the first three to "pretend that didn't happen." The latest game of "got yer nose" will be played by Josh Schwartz, who created "Chuck" (yay!) and "Gossip Girl" (boo!). He is penning a script for X-Men: First Class that will potentially include Iceman, Rogue, Angel, Colossus, Jubilee, and Shadowcat, who are basically the bratty teenagers of the gang. Yipee, another movie targeted to a demographic before consideration is given to quality of storytelling or, you know, ideas and stuff! Another theory holds that they may focus on "interesting" characters as teenagers, like Cyclops and Jean Grey. What's interesting is that Wolverine has now been banished to his own (likely awful) movie series, which means the X-gang will have to survive without the one character who has made them the most popular. Seriously, did anyone show up to the X-Men premiere dressed as Jubilee?

It takes so little to count as news these days

Once again, slow news day, which means we go to the age-old (at least years old) well of speculating about an Arrested Development movie, which excites some people somewhere so much that people talk the shit out of it without ever having any actual "facts" or "information." The latest gossip queen is producer Ron Howard, who gave an interview for "Maxim" (relax, he doesn't take any of the "it's not nudity if you don't see nipple" pictures) and started talking about how promising it looks...despite not having a script...or contracts with actors...or a time frame...or any concrete evidence other than some people somewhere seem to be excited about it. I admit, it was one of those series I always meant to watch and never did and I really don't feel all that bad about it because, apparently, if I did watch it and enjoy it, I would spend every waking minute dreaming of a movie that will likely never, ever happen and look for glimmers of hopes in Opie's face. Still, I know that there are those of you out there for whom such activities are now the backbone of your existence, so, with that in mind, here is your hope:




And now (just because): 25 Things I'd Rather Do Than See Twilight


1.) Wash my car, not just using a rag and soapy water in 30-degree weather, but with my tongue while wearing only circa-1986 "I heard it through the grapevine" California Raisins underoos.


2.) Watch an all day marathon of "Hannah Montana" without the benefits of hallucinogens or blindness.


3.) Discuss politics with family members, some of whom are among the 13% who think Bush is doing a "totally awesome job."


4.) Make out with Kevin Costner.


5.) Tell people I've made out with Kevin Costner.


6.) Eat clam chowder from the new restaurant "Floyd's Year-Old Milk Product Cafe."


7.) Be forced to make small talk with Ryan Seacrest (sample conversation: "So, hair products then?")


8.) Write an episode of "Two and a Half Men."


9.) Watch an episode of "Two and a Half Men."


10.) Learn to lambada ("the forbidden dance") with a first-degree relative.


11.) Listen to a whole Jessica Simpson song.


12.) Re-categorize my CD collection according to the colors on the album cover.


13.) Publicly defend NASCAR.

14.) Invent a new language consisting only of variations in the tone of armpit farts.

15.) Set foot in a Hot Topic.

16.) Balance the federal budget while Gilbert Gottfried and Carrot Top stand on either side of me telling "jokes."

17.) Watch an all-day marathon of "Sex and the City" with the friends of the people who claim to have friends "just like that."

18.) Transcribe the Koran into Klingon.

19.) Ask Tom Cruise to "convince me that Scientology rules."

20.) Have a conversation lasting more than 20 seconds with any contestant on the following: "The Bachelor," "The Bachelorette," "Rock of Love," "Bang Tila Tequila," "Real Chance at Love," "Charm School," "Flavor of Love," "I Love New York," and "Wipeout."

21.) Explain basic algebra to any Lohan.

22.) Reprogram my car radio to only receive "Hannity" and "Limbaugh."

23.) Get a tattoo of Brett Favre.

24.) Gamble my life savings on a game of Euchre.

25.) Actually read one of the God-forsaken, amateurish books that Twilight was based on and explain to the legion of she-fans why this writing is, in fact, wretched.

Quick clips for Wednesday November 19

Finally, something from Sweden that sucks more than ABBA

That headline should really end with "but in a good way" because I was making a vampire joke. Get it? "Sucks?" You try being funny in 87 consecutive blog postings (by the way, help me think of something nifty to do for number 100, which should be on December 5). After months of relentlessly hounding Film Streams Ruth Sokoloff Theater, my crusade to bring Let the Right One In, the borg-borg-best Swedish vampire movie e-v-e-r, finally ended. Okay, so the crusade consisted of one blog post and a polite email to their office, but still, I'm making differences people. Having watched it...you'll get a full review next week (see how I do that, that's called "building anticipation" or "cross promotion" or "stalling"). But, there is something I have to address immediately: Although I (as expected) loved the hemoglobin out of this thing and although I can see where some others would hate it (cough, my wife, cough), I'm going to suggest something really crazy. I don't think Entertainment Weekly reviewer extraordinaire Owen Glieberman watched it. Here is the entirety of the mini-review they ran (online anyway, like 98% of America, I don't get the print copy any more, so I don't know).

According to the new school of cinematic dread — it kicked in over the last decade with J-horror films — a fright flick is eerier if it doesn't make sense. If random arty blood thrills are your cup of fear, perhaps you'll enjoy Let the Right One In, a Swedish head-scratcher that has a few creepy images but very little holding them together. A serial killer, who bleeds his victims in public places (Why? Who knows?), has a 12-year-old daughter who's a vampire. Who befriends the blond boy next door. Who skulks through the movie in a blank-faced torpor that will have you screaming...for something coherent to happen. C

Okay, point one: If there's a criticism of the film in what I've seen, it's that it is too simple, meaning the entire lead (which doesn't mention anything that happens within the film by the way and takes up almost a fifth of the 'review') actually contradicts what pretty much everyone else observed. Really, there's nothing random going on here. I'm pretty sure my wife, who watched about 4 minutes of it while passing through the living room, understood everything that was happening, so the only thing that "doesn't make sense" is Owen's confusion. Point two: I know he's trying for a clever twist of phrase (don't pull a finger muscle Owie baby), but "cup of fear" doesn't make sense for someone who saw the movie either. There are, by my count, three "chilling" scenes in the movie. Describing it in the way he has here makes it sound like he's going off of the category of "horror film" to which the movie is pigeon-holed simply because it has a vampire in it (yes, I know that sounds ridiculous to you reading this...because you haven't seen it, but if you had, you would know of which I speak...something Owen doesn't seem to). Point three: Once more calling it a "head scratcher" (which makes me think Owen tried to watch the Swedish film without subtitles, as that's the only explanation for his repeated confusion), Owen then GETS THE FACTS OF THE FILM WRONG. Um, hello, the "serial killer" (which is actually a poor, poor description of what is happening) is not the girl's father. Past that, they explain the "bleeding in public places" thing pretty clearly (basically, he wanted to get caught, a nuance so subtle he SAYS EXACTLY THAT). Point four: Owen's wrap up of a review without one positive thing to say (that is only a C review, so I can't fathom what an F review looks like) by, you guessed it, once more reiterating the incredibly understated horror aspect ("will have you screaming") and the confusion that doesn't exist ("...for something coherent to happen"). Now, I don't normally spend one huge, epic post tearing into a review I disagree with. To each his, her, or its own, we all come at things from different places. I'm just saying it for what I think it is: I don't think he watched this movie or, if he did, he was distracted or not paying attention. Yes, it is a film which is subtle and artistic, but at no point did he touch on what are the unquestionable ACTUAL themes of the film (a troubled kid being picked on having to deal with isolation both physically and socially) that DOMINATED the run time. This could have been written by looking at the IMDB.com post on it and making a few inferences (and then giving a mid-grade C so that you could defend it later if you had to). I won't call him a hack and I'm going to stop short of calling him a liar, but personally I think something's rotten here.

The shortlist for the full-lengths

Although I had no desire whatsoever to see Religulous (I know, you'd think my leftism would mandate an affinity for Bill Maher, but it doesn't, I kind of wanna punch him in the snot box), the Academy once again proved it doesn't give a shit what you people think when it comes to the documentary Oscars. What's that? Highest grossing documentary of the year? Ah, no thanks, let's see what concentration camp/holocaust documentaries are playing this year (to take nothing away from those films, I'm sure some are good, but I think it's like 10 of the last 11 years that we've had a Nazi flick in the final 5, I think the subject has been covered). The final 15 on the shortlist are as follows:

• Standard Operating Procedure
• Fuel
• IOUSA
• At the Death House Door
• Trouble the Water
• Blessed is the Match: The Life and Death of Hannah Senesh
• Glass: A Portrait of Philip in Twelve Parts
• In a Dream
• Man on Wire
• Encounters at the End of the World
• The Betrayal - Nerakhoon
• Pray the Devil Back to Hell
• They Killed Sister Dorothy
• Made in America
• The Garden

We've seen 5 of these (which is actually not too bad, considering) and I actually think they may be the final 5. Ben is a big fan of Man on Wire, so we'll be pulling for that...with all the sway that comes with our endorsement.

One last rant and then I'm out for the day, I swear

Once more I point you to Devin from Chud.com who takes on the latest foreign-to-American remakes that are coming our way. We already mentioned Oldboy, which is going to go from disturbing drama to simplistic Hollywood ending (I bet he gets the girl in the end and everything), and Let the Right One In is also going to be remade. One quick aside on that one, while I don't take the same approach as Devin (whose official position is f##k people who don't read subtitles, they don't deserve good movies anyway), I do agree that this is one that will be horribly biffed up in the translation. Subtle will become obvious, metaphor will become screaming subtext, and it will likely suck very, very badly (you just know they're going to ramp-up the horror aspects to Owen Glieberman-imagined proportions). Now comes word that one of my favorite horror imports of all time (The Host) is going to be remade by Gore Verbinski. Because the whole time I was watching that triumphant and unique flick, I was secretly hoping the guy who did that Mouse Hunt movie would direct a remake that took the vitality out of it. Just like Oldboy's remake, there is NO WAY they keep the original ending to that film. I'm pretty sure they won't legally allow it. I think I'm a pretty good example of the middle guy: I don't get all snooty and assert that foreign films are vastly superior (most of them aren't) but I also will actively seek out any film from overseas that I hear is good. So I'm just going to say this once and be on with my day: WHY NOT HIRE THE WRITERS TO MAKE NEW KICK-ASS MOVIES? Seriously, Hollywood, if you liked The Host, hire the people who did it to make you something new and cool, not just recycling something they already did. Just a thought.

Quick clips for Tuesday November 18

Did we say "romantic comedy?" We meant "ninja pornography."


I simply do not know why we don't hear more of this kind of chicanery: Variety is reporting that Paramount greenlit an urban crime drama called Inland Saints and attached Joel "Nipples on the Batsuit" Schumacher to direct it (bad idea number 1). The project was originally called Fix and was about a gang leader who falls in love with the daughter of the detective trying to bring him down (bad idea number 2...seriously rent Romeo Must Die and then reconsider what you're doing to this world). Now, here comes the most awesome part. As of today, Fix turned Inland Saints is now an action horror film set in a small town desert and (my favorite part, note the direct quote) "plot details are still being hashed out." Wow. Just...wow. How awesome is that? Too. Many. Jokes.


Joke number one: This is akin to showing up for English class and having your teacher ask "How did you like Jane Eyre?" To which you respond, "I really liked the part when the terminator was sent back in time to kill Sarah Connor." To which she replies, "That didn't happen in the book I assigned." To which you respond, "Yeah, well, we did a rewrite."


Joke number two: I imagine the following conversation. Executive - "I've come to see how the urban crime drama that will feature a singer-turned-actress and a gritty-rapper-turned-actor is coming. We've got a soundtrack to sell!" Writer/producer - "Um, right now we're casting the werewolf." Executive - "Say what?!" Writer/producer - "But the soundtrack will still have Usher on it." Executive - "Carry on."


Joke number three: Joel Schumacher.


Joke number four: We should try this bait and switch more often! National Treasure 3 is now going to actually be an adaptation of "Atlas Shrugged."


I'm done now.


This is not real

No less than 6 (no lie, 6) of the sites I trust very, very strongly have run the following picture:

They all seem to acknowledge the awful, awful photoshop hack that this is but seem divided over whether this is at least some kind of test for what Johnny Depp will look like as the Mad Hatter in Alice in Wonderland. While not surprising, I really, really, really hope this is total and utter crap. Mainly because it is so incredibly derivative and awful that it looks like a pissed off art student from community college designed it. Too. Many. Jokes.

Joke number one: Man, the new Depesche Mode album is going to suck.

Joke number two: Helena Bonham Carter has really let herself go.

Joke number three: Tim Burton.

Joke number four: "Dude, if you photoshop the rabbit into the side of the painting, everybody's going to notice. Plus, what's with his hands, can you even get your hands to do that? And what's holding that stuff around his head, a cumberbun? Nobody is going to believe this and everyone will laugh at you. Don't send it to major movie news outlets."

I'm done now.

A post pontificating the pontification of Twilight

I've been told that the angst I display when considering the box office results is amusing. It isn't, assholes, it's real, tangible pain that causes me to listen to shitty music and contemplate how nobody understands me...which brings me to Twilight, a movie championed by the smelly kids who like crappy writing and T-Shirts that say things like "If you're reading this, I'll stab you in the trachea." Chud.com has an interesting consideration of what the hell is happening with this movie. Basically, the debate is whether we believe insane tracking numbers (which have gone as high as a $60 million opening weekend), reports of sold-out midnight shows across the country (always a sign of a huge first weekend frame), and feverish posts and other random indications that women in particular (the holy grail of the box office, just ask Titanic) are super juiced to see this...or if it's all Snakes on a Plane Internet overhype. It will probably be somewhere in between, clocking a respectable $40 million and having okay follow-up business (don't hold me to that, I have way, way, way more research to do before I make any wagers). But the whole thing just seems so ridiculous. Admittedly, I haven't read the books, but the movie looks so incredibly generic that I don't know how it can have this rabid of a following. This leads me to the last stretch:

Joke number one: These teenaged hornballs apparently don't actually consummate much (so as to keep parents okay with things, as though the parents who are cool with the kids reading vampire-romance novels give a crap about that part). However, when considering whether to dry hump a werewolf or dry hump a vampire, the crucial thing to remember is that they're both fictional and you're just pleasuring yourself.

Joke number two: Hoping for Harry Potter business with this is like hoping Steve Guttenberg finally gets that Oscar.

Joke number three: Hot topic.

Joke number four: "So I have this idea to combine Romeo and Juliet with vampires and werewolves...wait, what are you doing? Put the gun down. Put it down!!!"

I'm done now. For realz.

Quick clips for Monday November 17

You had me at butt-chin

The first time I saw Aaron Eckhart (in the movies, not in person, he still won't answer my personal ads) was In the Company of Men, which if you haven't seen it should have made me think he was a total psycho jerkface. But I must be obsessed with a perfectly cleft chin and an immense amount of talent, because I immediately began listing him as an actor to keep an eye on (man, if Eckhart sees this post, I think he's going to immediately file that 50 ft-personal-bubble-by-law restriction against me). Over the years he's made good on that promise (Persuasion, The Dark Knight) and also colossally failed me (The Core, The Core, The Core). Devin at Chud.com reminds me that the world wants him to play Captain America (it's all about the butt-chin baby) but I want John Hamm to do that, which means Eckhart has to find other work, which is exactly what he did by signing on to play a Marine platoon commander who battles alien invaders in Los Angeles. Um, okay. It's being directed by the guy who did Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning and was written by the guy who did The General's Daughter. Apparently, he learned no lessons from The Core whatsoever, as this sounds like a high-concept piece that could be B-movie cool or, you know, the movie that I list next to The Core when I'm describing huge mistakes good actors make. And don't tell me he needs money after The Dark Knight. Most actors do the "one paycheck, one indie" approach to still be considered actors while being able to afford toilets made of poor people. Apparently, Eckhart belongs to the "one paycheck, another paycheck" approach or what I call "The Sam Jackson."

I could pretend this is news, or we could just be honest with each other

In January, the world goes from bleak and geekless to paradise for those of the nerd persuasion, as "Lost" and "Battlestar Galactica" return to slake our thirst. "Lost" returns January 21, but "B-Star" returns on January 16, making those 5 days the best for dorks since the discovery that genitalia does not always need a copilot. Now comes word that "B-Star" webisodes start going online next month...and Aintitcool.com is reporting that, in these online features, two recurring male characters are revealed to be gay. Two things: First, I am really amazed at the explosion in the gay movement. Somehow after prop H8 passed in California, the movement has gotten organized and spread nationwide. Hearing that more mainstream (okay, fine, Sci-Fi channel programming isn't mainstream, but you get my point) fiction will include actually 3-dimensional gay characters is another big stem in the demystifying process. Second, WHO ARE THE GAY GUYS IN "B-STAR?" Obvious money is on Gaeta (who has never hooked up with any gals on the show), and the use of the word "recurring" means it likely isn't a main star...so I'm guessing it could be blind lawyer guy (always forget his name). I mean, we all know it should be Apollo (who may act kind of tough but looks like he's about to put in the Moulin Rouge CD) but it won't be because he wants to buck Starbuck. God I miss this show.

Box Office Results: Someone could have told me Quantum of Solace was ancient hibernian for "underestimated box office returns."

So you like the new Bond style, huh? I mean, move over Jason Bourne, there's a new brooding superspy who is lethal to all women around him and has piercing eyes, overly pronounced man tits and the desire of all women (and some "B-Star" cast members). Everyone expected good results, but these are off the hizzook (I'm told it's okay to use the "izzes" again, they're coming back around). Also, once more I totally nailed the top 5 in the right order...but I'm thinking my massive gaffe at some of the figures will once again rob me of the A grade I deserve. Still, not failing is the first step to success (I read that on a coffee mug from a guy in GED class).

Here are the results:

1.) Quantum of Solace - $70 million (Accuracy of prediction - 89%)

All joking aside (okay, most joking aside), I'm glad to see a true, smart action franchise on the rise. Damon will do another Bourne movie (which is good), but Bond is limitless. So the idea of an endless series of movies done this cleverly and this thrillingly is thrilling (and clever). Don't worry, we'll see Q eventually (we may have in this movie if you look closely and think about it) and my guess is Moneypenny will show up as a serious love interest before too long (that or he'll start nailing Dame Judy Dench).

2.) Madagascar 2: The Penguins Are Funny - $36 million (Accuracy of prediction - 86%)

In a great short story, Sloane Crosley has a character who mentions the following (I'm paraphrasing): "My mother told me that if I ever saw a unicorn to either catch it or kill it for money." I think that every time I see talking animal movies.

3.) Role Men - $11 million (Accuracy of prediction - 95%)

I have now decided that I will see this movie after reminiscing with one of my friends this weekend about MTV's "The State." If any writer who worked on a sketch were muppets are killed and eaten write a movie, I am honor bound to see it.

4.) High School Musical 3: Senior Year - $6 million (Accuracy of prediction - 92%)

I'll ignore the fact that I made a statement about the gay movement earlier and the success of HSM3 and use this time to point out that OMG I THINK I BROKE INTO THE A RANGE! I'm freaking out as I add this up!

5.) Changeling - $4 million (Accuracy of prediction - 100%)

I DID IT, OH SWEET TINY BABY JESUS AND ALL OTHER DARLING DEITIES, I DID IT!!!

Overall accuracy of prediction - 92%

That's an A baby. A straight-up A! I'd like to thank all the little people who made this possible, like Daniel Craig and Angelina Jolie. I'm so happy, I think I'm treating myself to something tonight. I don't know what, but it's gonna be something that tastes like success.

Friday Free-For-All

Go figure, I like the Watchmen trailer

Okay, so it wasn't ME that director Zack Snyder had to convince to go see Watchmen, as I am writing this from standing in line for the movie which opens in March (I kid, but believe you me, were there such a line, I would be in it). The people he has to convince are the ones who made The Dark Knight the highest grossing film in US history not to feature Kate Winslet's boobies. Thus, it's a good thing that the main character (insofar as there is one) has a voice that sounds an awful lot like Christian Bale's throaty growl and that lots and lots of stuff appears to be blowing up. Whether or not things like Dr. Manhattan (that's the blue guy) will turn people on or off to the film is unclear (they'll definitely be turned on once they get there because [SPOILER ALERT] you totally see Manhattan's wang a bunch). Look, people who aren't die-hard nerds who grew up wondering what this would look like on screen are going to have a hard time getting excited about this one...so we have to help them. Sell the smart ones on the socio-political commentary, sell the easily entertained ones on the special effects, and sell the pretty ones on Dr. Manhattan's wang. By the by, how great is it to see a comic book movie from DC that has a big ole Rated R opening on it (that specifies all the dirty goodness to follow)? Anyway, here's the trailer for your own enjoyment, use it for the power of good and get people to go and see this one. There will be no sequel, which is actually a selling point.



Weekend Battle Plan: Pretend you have a choice

Well I've got good news and I've got (sortof) bad news. Good: I saw the latest Bond and it is good. Bad: If you don't like Bond you can go watch the movie where a zebra voiced by Chris Rock says "crack-a-lackin'." I'll obviously go more in depth in the review that comes out next week (find a copy of "The Reader" and get those awesome newspaper smudgies on your fingers or, you know, click over to the left of this), but sufficed to say that there is more action than takes place at The Real World house on "Apple Pucker Jello shooter night." Plus, this is the first truly diversionary, escapist entertainment that has been offered in awhile, so despite hating the fact that we are forced to see it by a lack of any other releases opening against it, it ain't a bad flick to be stuck with. Oh, hey, trivia question: Does anybody remember what the hell the villain in Casino Royale was doing? I've been trying to remember all day and can't. I really liked that film, quite a bit actually, but it was mostly because Daniel Craig was so ass-kick-tastic and not because I gave a tiny dose of crap about who or what the villain was. I only mention because the same problem occurs with Quantum of Solace, which is also never explained all the way in the film (somewhere there's a nerd writing a treatise on how clever this name actually is). Once 007 gets a real nemesis, wow are we in for a treat. For now, it's at least a fun night at the movies.

That's my recommendation: You know you're gonna see it, so you may as well Quantum your Solace now (did I use that right?).

On DVD: Hellboy II: The Golden Army has really stood up well in my mind since this summer. That's really the true test of a movie, how you feel about it after you digest and excrete it. Some 5 months later and I really, really think fondly of it still. It's funny, touching, and has some INCREDIBLE set and character designs. Seriously, even scenes of people just talking look so pretty. Plus, it's pretty much non-stop action, so it will fill out your testosterone sandwich if you see 007 as well (WARNING: Do not eat a testosterone sandwich if you are or may become pregnant; side effects include spontaneous high-fiving, standing to pee even if you don't have the parts, and a sudden quantuming of your solace).

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

Here we are again old nemesis. Me, looking like the kid who just has to know how his boogies taste. You, the sultry temptress who is more than content to show me a little somethin-somethin so long as I keep my distance. Well, honey, this week has an easy number one and number two, so I'm practically at third base already...but then we get into the whole mess of fifth place and I don't even know what to do (is there a fifth base so I can continue this metaphor and, if so, does it hurt?). The key is going to be hitting the 007 number on the nose and getting the fifth film at least correct, even if the dollar amount is wrong. So, hot stuff, let's do this thing.

Here's how I see it:

1.) Quantum of Solace - $56 million

It would not surprise me in the slightest if this number were way higher. Casino Royale's opening weekend was just (HA, just) $40 million, but that was back when Bond didn't look like a crossbreed between 007 and Jason Bourne. It's gonna be number one, but by how much is kind of a mystery (a mystery solved only by...forget it).

2.) Madagascar 2: Them Animals Talk Funny - $46 million

I'm serious, people should pool their money together and start funding family films. Our economy would right itself if we sunk money, not in AIG, but in Madagascar 3: We Can Still Get Money Out of This. This movie has been KILLING it during the week, which has led some to believe it could beat Bond. These same people still thought McCain had a chance.

3.) Role Models - $10 million

Although some of the dudes who want to see this will be getting their 007 on, it should hold well as the only comedy worth a squirt still out there. It's been an impressive film that I just now realized was written by some of the guys from "The State," the best comedy show ever. WHEN IS IT ON DVD?! Seriously, I can watch EVERY SEASON of "King of Queens" but no "State?"

4.) High School Musical 3: Senior Year - $5 million

I hereby declare I can make no more jokes about this one. Free pass Zack Effron!

5.) The Changeling - $4 million

You and I both know that whatever I put here will end up in 6th place. I hate Clint Eastwood as a director. Therefore, I put him here so that he will lose. Take that Eastwood.

Quick clips for Thursday November 13

Monopoly is happening whether you like it or not

Much like that supercollider that they fired up without giving a wet sparrow fart whether or not it would kill us all, nobody cares what effect the creation of movies based on board games are going to have on us. Laugh now, but we're going to be giving birth to three-headed babies that can burn things with their mind after we're all subjected to crap like Monopoly: The Movie. Word on the street is that Ridley Scott will be directing this impending abomination and wants to take it in a sci-fi direction, which makes about as much sense as anything you would do with Monopoly really. It's not like board-game enthusiasts will be crying foul over the slipshod portrayal of Baltic Ave. How "characters" or "plot" will figure in has yet to be determined, but so long as we get a new version of Monopoly to play, I'm happy. At last count, there are 2.7 million different versions of that game (I'm pretty sure that there's a Cubs version that you just keep playing forever without winning...wait, that's just Monopoly). The only real question remaining is whether or not the movie can wrap itself up before the audience turns to one another and says "wanna just call it a tie and play Boggle." Now, make Boggle: The Movie and you have box office and critical gold (I'm holding out for Natalie Portman to play the letter S).

Nerd squared

So you're Simon Pegg (not really, that would be weird) and you just wrapped up playing Scottie in Star Trek. So, if nothing else, you'll have a lifetime of conventions and middle-aged, slightly malformed groupies to look forward to. But now you're thinking, "I've made a zombie comedy and a franchise science-fiction picture, not to mention did a movie directed by David Schwimmer, what else can I do to solidify my place on Nerd Rushmore that doesn't involve somehow re-virginizing myself?" Answer: Get your buddy Nick Frost, from Hot Fuzz, Shaun of the Dead, and, most importantly, "Spaced," to star with you in Paul a movie about two guys on their way to a comic convention that discover a small alien named Paul. Wow, that's taking things to a whole new level of geek. That's like one small rung below posting on a Star Trek forum or writing fan fiction where Bones and Kirk finally break through the obvious subtext and get it on. Seriously though, troves could be written about the amazing comic timing of this duo and, just being honest here, if they announced that their next movie was a line-by-line reading of "A Purpose Driven Life," I'd still consider seeing it. What I really think they should do at some point is consider some kind of weird, bizarro take on Abbot and Costello. No joking, I think it would work...at least better than the Farrelly Brothers doing The Three Stooges.

How do you say "my bad" in Ozian?

Loyal blog readers (okay fine, loyal blog reader) will remember my grumpusing about the CGI remake of Wizard of Oz. That's because I'm a judgmental, simple-minded person. I forgot two important facts: (1) There are 12 books in the "Oz" series, they're public domain (so the price is right...free), and Hollywood has a boner for fantasy these days...meaning it was going to be remade at some point anyway and (2) it could actually be cool (the books were actually cooler than the movie, I read them when I was a...hey, enough stuff that makes me sound dorkier than adult-sized underoos). Evidence of this second point was hammered home to me by Aintitcool.com, who had images like this one to prove their case:



If they somehow manage to walk that fine line between magic fantasy and spooky fantasy (with a touch of sad fantasy)...without turning into Return to Oz (which still haunts my dreams), they may just have something incredible here. The concept art up on the site is really pitch perfect, but I feel like this is one where the wrong voice choices could result in catastrophe. I'm going to just toss out a good answer and a bad answer for each character off the top of my head:

Wicked witch - Bad answer: Cloris Leachman; Good answer: Glenn Close
Glenda - Bad answer: Renee Zellwegger; Good answer: Kristen Chenowith
Scarecrow - Bad answer: Ashton Kutcher; Good answer: Michael Cera
Lion - Bad answer: Jack Black (or Robin Williams, either way); Good answer: Paul Rudd
Tin Man - Bad answer: Will Smith; Good answer: John Hamm
Dorothy - Bad answer: Drew Barrymore; Good answer: Dakota Fanning

That's my first go-round, which only proves I think about this shit way too much.

Quick clips for Wednesday November 12

Wait, it could be even worse

Okay, by now you've probably heard that Jaden Smith (son of Will Smith...or as Defamer.com so awesomely put it "smarmy hatchling" of Will Smith) is going to star in a remake of The Karate Kid despite being 10 years old and distinctly un-Ralph Macchio-esque (a trait to which many aspire but few achieve). The good news is, Ben Coffman and I have devised a way for things to be even worse! Consider the following replacements for Mr. Miyagi (and, by the way, Ben said Jackie Chan and I said Samuel L Jackson before Defamer.com named both of them in their post...I mean, there's no proof, but it's true).

1. Ed Norton - Throwing himself deeply into the role, Norton undergoes a Downey Jr.-in-Tropic Thunder Asian-face transformation, but the movie is never completed when he and the director begin a vicious blood feud over whether Miyagi would "really" use satin-finish or glossy paint on his fence.
2. Meryl Streep - Hello, if Daniel-san is now a 10-year-old African American, why can't Miyagi be 87-time Academy Award winning honkey actress Meryl Streep? Racists.
3. Martin Lawrence - First of all, he's free. Second of all, imagine the hijinks that would ensue when smarmy hatchling scratches his car while waxing it. I'm laughing already!

Okay, if that doesn't do it for you, what about this. Close your eyes and imagine hearing the opening of "Kung Fu Fighting," but then, just as the lyrics are about to set in...here comes the bass! Oh hell yeah, Fresh Prince starts dropping his rhymes "My karate be stiff, you know it ain't soggy/I learned everything from Mr. Miyagi" right as the sampled strains of Peter Cetera blast in. I practically see Smith's hand around the Oscar for Best Song.

See...it could be worse.

Maybe Kevin Smith didn't kill Porno for everyone

In what I can only hope becomes a daily occurrence, I have more Danny Boyle news! He told Cinematical that a Trainspotting sequel, based on the follow-up novel Porno, is still being pursued, which is exciting for both Trainspotting enthusiasts AND fans of pornography! In grad school, I actually did a study on Irvine Welsh, the depraved SOB who wrote the novels, so I'm emotionally invested in seeing this plan come to fruition (and they say English grad school doesn't prepare you for the reality of life). Plus, Trainspotting and me have had this sordid history where I alternatively hated it intensely, then hated it but appreciated it, and now I just appreciate it. I still don't really "like" it, but I would be curious to see Boyle do what Scorsese did with Color of Money and pick up with the same cast way later (just like I'm secretly hoping for a Star Wars that redeems the whole series by bringing all the old actors back for one last hurrah to fix what got broke...I'm also well aware that I'm never going to see that). The big stumbling block has been Ewan MacGregor, who reportedly had a massive falling out with Boyle back in the day. Basically, after doing a bunch of movies as Boyle's muse and lead actor (including Shallow Grave, A Life Less Ordinary, and Trainspotting), Boyle went with it-boy-of-the-moment-turned-actually-really-effing-good-actor Leonardo DiCaprio in The Beach. Since then, DiCaprio's been banging models and MacGregor's been showing his peen for pennies on the dollar. Still, Boyle says the friendship is on the mend and that it would be possible for the two to reunite. If nothing else, Porno will be reuniting old friends, and isn't that what it's all about in the first place?

Art is in the eye of the box-office holder

I'm cracking up because reports are that, some 10 days before it's premiere in the country of its origin, Australia is not finished. The Hugh Jackman and Nicole Kidman movie is still being assembled like Frankenstein's monster by "genius" Baz Luhrman who hasn't done squat since Moulin Rouge (then again, neither has Kidman really but that's besides the point). Now comes word that test audiences didn't care for the ending, which is funny because they are apparently testing an unfinished film weeks before release...this is all just too good. So what did Baz the genius do? Throw a tantrum? Demand the heads and testes of all test screening members? Cry heavily and start over? Nope. He changed it. Huhbuhwha? First off, I know what the ending was and am confused without having to reshoot footage how you get around that. Second, an ending is usually a fairly pivotal part of a movie, one that the creator has envisioned and feels strongly about going into it. Third, NEVER TRUST TEST AUDIENCES. They are overwhelmingly stupid. Seriously, when I talk to people about movies, the things they say should never be spoken, let alone put on a note card and passed to a director. These are people whose brains stall out deciding between the Rumble-nut Fudgie ice cream and the Pecan't Believe It's Not Peanut Butter ice cream. This isn't to say that there aren't people who could help you, but changing a movie based on the comments of people who don't make movies is like taking driving advice from your toddler. You are the creative one. You are the one who makes the decisions, they just get to decide if they like what you did, not actually have influence over it. At any rate, I now look for the new ending, wherein Jackman finds a talking Chihuahua that farts a lot.

Quick clips for Tuesday November 11

Horror? I hardly knew her!

Two nonsequitors: (1) Although horror may be one of my least favorite genres (after the infrequently used Syphilis-Musical genre), I am (for no good reason) hooked on VH1's "Scream Queens." Basically, it combines the crazy beyatches you remember from high-school drama productions with 1-2 normal people for the crazy people to interact with (if only to say things like "that bitch is crazy") and a few half-witted model wannabes and then gives them assignments like "pretend you're being stung by 10000 bees." It is just so incredibly watchable I can't stand it. Seriously, last night I was treated to the phrase "I just don't know why she keeps flicking her tongue around while she's screaming." You have to be watching this. (2) Director Danny Boyle is the shiz-nitty. I mean, dude is getting rave reviews for Slumdog Millionaire (a mainstream drama), killed it with Sunshine (a sci-fi movie), nailed it with A Life Less Ordinary (romantic comedy), hit it perfectly with Shallow Grave (thriller), made me happy with Millions (family film), ruled everything with 28 Days Later (horror), and that doesn't even account for Trainspotting. It's that second-to-last one that causes this post: Boyle has told Scifiwire.com that he is considering doing something he hasn't done before, directing a sequel. 28 Months Later is happening despite the mediocrity of 28 Weeks Later, which started getting decent right before it abruptly ended. This one would (obviously) go global (or at least bigger) and Boyle claims that they have an original idea for it (one that hopefully goes beyond the typical zombie apocalypse...not that I don't enjoy a good zombie apocalypse). He brought the world fast-moving zombies and has done no wrong in crossing genre after genre, so if Boyle is there, you'll see me right there too. Hopefully, watching the winner of "Scream Queens" with the juicy role of "crazy zombie bitch."

Yar! More noir!!

I'll take Chud.com's word for it that the noir novel "The Killer Inside Me" is good. I don't really care one way or the other because I'm a total noir whore and will watch Josh Hartnett act in a movie (Black Dhalia) if there's a hint of the flavor (the flavor of noir, not the flavor of Hartnett, which tastes like turpentine and shame). So, good news then that Casey Affleck (who rocked my Amadeus in Gone Baby Gone) is starring as a Texas sheriff who is secretly a sociopathic murderer. Jessica Alba is also a prostitute...in the movie, she's a prostitute in the movie. Geez guys. Now, that news is usually enough to sink my spirits (on account of Alba being the least talented woman who ever...actually, she just may be the least talented woman ever), but Gone Baby Gone was such a transcendent experience for me, I can't wait to see Affleck back in that genre. I'm not sure if a director has been attached yet, but honestly I'd be excited if brother Ben was behind the lens again. The two worked so well together last time out and there's nothing wrong with finding a niche. I mean, not everybody is Danny Boyle, some folks are Guillermo Del Toro, which is just fine too. No matter what, this excites me, and I only hope that Alba's character undergoes a last minute re-write to being mute.

Your daily dose of "noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo"

According to the ever-reliable LA times blog, Beyonce wants to play Wonder Woman. Um, no? This has nothing to do with skin color (after all, Diana is technically made from clay, so she can be any shade) and has more to do with the fact that Beyonce sucks. I'm told that many people like her music, which is great because I encourage her to stay there doing just that and not to get on screen and make a $100 million oopsie daisy, which is what this would be. Now, it may be idle speculation but Beyonce is reportedly lobbying for the role (of a movie with no script and no plans to actually be made), going so far as to meet with WB executives (who likely just wanted an autograph for their kids or a cool photo op that makes them look far hipper than they are). Beyonce's only major acting came in Dreamgirls, in which the girl from "American Idol" outacted her. I'm not saying that Wonder Woman is some kind of emotional touch-stone for me, I don't particularly care for the character or anything, I'm just against things that are bad. This would be bad, as in worse than Beyonce's new single, which is really, really bad. Besides, if I am interested in ANYTHING about Wonder Woman it's the Greek mythology angle, which I'm guessing would be downplayed in favor of a funky soundtrack and some one liners. Now, if Jay-Z wants to play The Flash or something, I'm down because that guy's actually talented.