Ryan's Junk Drawer

I really don't know how I'm going to top yesterday's blog post (right down there) with a faux Megan Fox using the phrase "open dumpage," but I'll throw a bunch of items from this old junk drawer here at it. This week has seemed pretty dead for the most part (really, really not a John Hughes joke), and it seems as though everyone is dragging (even the rumor mongers). So, bear down Chicago Bears, I'm going to stretch these bits of tid as far as I can.

1.) John Hughes is dead and nobody younger than 28 cares - What's sad is that the man so deeply understood what it meant to be a teenager in ANY generation, and yet was relegated to the 80s. He wasn't about pop culture references or social commentary so much as he was focused on delving into the emotional turmoil that teens felt, arguing that it was a good thing (reiterated by the clip that all TV segments have been playing for his death, where Ally Sheedy says "when you grow up, your heart dies"). He got how, well, how f*#ked up being a teen was (noting that at that age, feeling sad was as cool as feeling happy...how true). Everybody over 27 has a favorite Hughes movie, mine is probably Ferris Bueller, but you could make a case for a few others. What's sad is that, as Bryan Lynch pointed out on Twitter, his most recent work included Curly Sue and three Bethooven movies. So, long story short, John Hughes died and it sucks.

2.) Just because I'm excited for Mission Impossible 4 doesn't make me an asshole - Variety is reporting that Josh Applebaum and Andrew Nemec, a couple of guys who worked on the underrated "Alias," are hard at work on the next installment of the MI series and yeah, jerks, I'm excited. Look, the third one kicked ass and played like a big-budget, bad-ass version of "Alias." It had everything that I want in a spy/action film (including Simon Pegg), so I don't get where the bashing of the series is coming from (other than from people who still think Tom Cruise deserves it...I've decided that 5 years of public verbal whippings is enough, personally). So, yeah, I am excited gosh-darn-it, and I hope that JJ Abrams directs it (even though he won't) and if he doesn't I hope he uses his clout to let "Lost" vet and "Alias" helmer Jack Bender take a crack at it. Don't photoshop a "Team Tom" shirt on me, but I've got my fingers crossed on this one.

3.) "Fraggle Rock" was terrifying, and if you don't agree, you're a monster - If you have been wondering why we haven't gotten a "Fraggle Rock" movie yet, (A) you're a sick bastard and (B) we're going to. According to MTV, Brian Henson (son of the muppets, not the former "Talk Soup" host) is moving forward on the Fraggle front and plans to ramp up the music numbers (oh, goodie, my sleepless nights thank you). He also declares the Dark Crystal sequel still alive, which is the one thing more freaky than the thought of a "Fraggle Rock" movie. Oh, I love muppets, don't get me wrong, but those bizarre humanoids in Dark Crystal and the talking trash heap in "Fraggle Rock" are what I would flash to if I were to use poorly cut acid. So, rejoice sickos, you're about to get two helpings of crazy shit. Oh, and visual proof of terror (the ACTUAL image they ran on the MTV blog, from Dark Crystal)



Yeah, sleep now, jerks.

4.) This one is for my best friends in Chicago, nobody else will care - I mean, I suppose it's possible that one or two of you out there have a sick fascination with Thomas Pynchon like my friends Andrew and Jess, but I doubt it. The dude is a recluse that vomits pretty words of nonsense onto paper and people go apeshit for his stuff. According to Slashfilm.com, who got it from The Playlist, who noticed an interesting line in the Wall Street Journal’s piece about Pynchon's new novel "Inherent Vice:" “The Creative Artists Agency in Los Angeles is handling film rights.” Huhbuhwha?! I mean, for reals? Somebody is going to try to adapt that? How does one even BEGIN to adapt a Pynchon novel (without the benefit of serious antipsychotic medication). I mean...good luck to whoever tries but let's face it, it ain't gonna happen.

5.) It's VoD Day (victory over douches)! - Although I have a friend who knew this information weeks ago and failed to pass it along (harumpf), Ben Lyons and Ben Mankiewicz are no longer TV stars. The douchey duo are out at "At the Movies," which is a good thing. The only bad thing is that there are no plans to bring back Ebert at all (you will one day be judged in hell for this, producers). The new duo is AO (Tony) Scott of the The New York Times and Miuchael Phillips of the The Chicago Tribune (neither one really does anything for me...I mean it, I've asked). They still can't use "thumbs" to review things, as Ebert and Siskel wisely patented that, but rest assured they will find some insipid, pithy way of summarizing their feelings. My feeling: BRING BACK EBERT! Hell, bring him back as some kind of host, just bring him back. "At the Movies" without Ebert is like showering in high-school gym class without shame, it just doesn't feel right.

Okay, that's the news we missed this week (wasn't much, was it), I'll be back with some Haiku box office predictions for you shortly. Until then, try to be productive, the boss is looking.

Weekend Box Office Results: You love Bruno...just not like that

Nobody reasonable expected Bruno to do Borat money, mainly because of the hierarchy of social satire (xenophobia > homophobia > cheese-prejudice). Whereas the crazy Kazakh made people laugh somewhat uncomfortably (mostly during a few choice nude scenes), Bruno's entire schtick is to create discomfort, and some people apparently don't find that desirable. Me? I live for discomfort. It's why God created brillo-pad underwear. No way Bruno does Borat money, as the hype with that first film was organic and grew like Ryan Seacrest's ego. This one should drop precipitously next week, but I don't care, as I'm waiting to see what Sasha Baron Cohen will do now that he's pretty much exhausted his premade characters (yes, there was an Ali G movie...no, I do not recommend it). Also, it looks like Transformers is finally calming a bit, with Harry Potter sure to take a wizard-sized chunk out of robot ass this weekend. Final gross should be below $400 million, which is gross enough for me, thank you. The only other major note this weekend: America has spoken via decreased ratings for "Heroes" and a tanked first major movie. We hate you Hayden Panitierre. Go back to whatever disinteresting hole birthed you.

Here are the results (haiku style):

1.) Bruno - $30.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 97%)

Sorry, dear Bruno.
You will not get Borat love.
Is it the umlaut?

2.) Ice Age 3 - $28.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 93%)

Prehistoric gang
should meet their end this weekend.
Potter crushes all.

3.) Transformers 2 - $24 million (Accuracy of prediction - 92%)

One more time at least,
I'd like to thank Michael Bay,
for my lack of worth.

4.) Public Enemies - $14 million (Accuracy of prediction - 98%)

A forgotten film
that deserved much, much better.
Blame Bay for this too.

5.) The Proposal - $10.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 93%)

Congrats to Ryan,
on his big Green Lantern role.
Never look back, buddy.

Overall accuracy of prediction - 95%

Perhaps my best week,
not that anybody cares.
I am proud of me!

Happy Monday, movie lovers.

Weekend Battle Plan: Go totally gay

In theaters

Look, you probably know if you're going to see Bruno already. If you saw Borat, did the impression for everybody (which sucked but was funny at first because you thought it was so good, then annoying because everybody did it, and then funny again because you are so incredibly lame), and know who Ali G is, you'll be seeing the movie. If you're a conservative who is terrified by the gays, if you found Borat to be "stupid" or "insulting," or if you've ever watched "The 700 Club" for more than 4 minutes without laughing, reaching for the remote, or retching, you're not going to see this movie. Personally, what I hope happens is that people go and spark up a dialogue. Why is it offensive to you (gay or straight)? Is the stereotype of Bruno's character blowing up the classic imagery in a postmodern way or is it just throwing kerosene on a flaming image? Things like that are GOOD for society, to have to confront those thoughts and ideals that we pretend aren't there. As a staunch supporter of gay rights (as it's a civil rights issue and all...), I'm happy that the film is out there making people squirm. Plus, it's funny as shit. Ron Paul deals with a pantsless dude, and Paula Abdul sits on a Mexican because Bruno convinces her he hired him as furniture. Seriously, that's funny. Whether you find it too controversial, too over-the-top, or love the stuffin' out of it, the one thing we can all agree on is that nobody is going to go see I Love You Beth Cooper. Sorry Christopher Columbus and Hayden Panitierre (who isn't as cute as people think and is as talented as a well-salted soda cracker).

That's my recommendation: Get some laughs and some social perspective with Bruno.

On DVD

I've decided I'm a full-fledged supporter of Knowing, the wacky sci-fi movie from director Alex Proyas and hairpiece underling Nicholas Cage. Why? Because it's wacky sci-fi! It's a "Twilight Zone" episode with bigger effects. Seriously, the plot (a guy finds a time capsule with predictions of disaster in the future) and even the ending (I won't reveal it, but wowza it's out there) would be right at home in the old TV show that I love (I kept turning it to the SyFy channel marathon last week, but everyone kept changing it to Wimbledon...really, people, who watches Wimbledon that doesn't say crumpet or "bloody 'ell?"). Rent it, enjoy it, even if it's weird. The effects alone are worth it. Honest.

That's my recommendation: Nicholas Cage movies that don't suck are like Haley's comet. Catch Knowing to celebrate.

Quick Clips for Wednesday July 23

You need some Spaced

Simon Pegg is one of the three British people my wife claims to love (the other two are Hugh Grant and some girl with an accent from the Obama campaign who called her the other day). Although most people fell for Pegg in Shaun of the Dead, the funniest film to ever feature cannibalism (which is weird because cannibalism is inherently hilarious), he first demonstrated his hilarity capability in the BBC series Spaced, which is the funniest straight-up sit-com I've ever seen. After years of begging, a nearly disastrous and thankfully scuttled American remake (which would have been helmed by McG...shudder), and more critical praise than a certain movie featuring a leather-clad mom beater (sorry Christian, alleged mom beater), Spaced is finally available for purchase here in the US of A. No need to rent it, just buy it outright then come back here and tell me how awesome it is.

In my day, they waited to adapt comics until after they came out

Rob Liefeld, who is to comic book artists what Carrot Top is to comedians, has had his latest as-of-yet unpublished comic "Capeshooters" optioned by Warner Bros, who must be high on bat-fumes to option a comic created by a man whose best idea to this point has been his semi-retirement. According to The Hollywood Reporter, the film will follow slackers (uh oh, I thought Judd Apatow had a copyright on the slacker character) who videotape superheroes and end up on the run after they determine a good guy is actually a bad guy. Sort of like YouTube meets Spider-man (see, I can do Hollywood pitch meetings). Brian Singer, who did what Lex Luther couldn't do by defiling Superman, is slated to direct, but that will likely change after his long-gestating, rumored-to-be-God-awful Valkyrie finally comes out. Why? Because Tom Cruise will likely scream "By the power of Xenu" and rip him in half.

I have two digits I'd like to present to Disney

In what can only be described as the single most irritating thing since horse-hair underwear, Disney has opted to punt Ebert & Roeper At the Movies. Sure, Richard Roeper has been begging for a kick in the pants so relentlessly I've often thought about driving to Chicago and obliging him, but Roger Ebert is the Godfather of movie critics. He's literally the reason I started doing this. I know Leonard Maltin's beard is technically the oldest movie critic in the country and people have long worshipped at the afro of Gene Shalit, but Ebert's thumb is the single greatest critical body part in the history of criticism! Variety is reporting that E! blogger Ben Lyons and Ben Mankiewicz are the replacements for Ebert and his partner, but Ebert and Gene Siskel trademarked the phrase "Two Thumbs Up," leaving Disney the choice of accepting my proposed replacement only two fingers away.