Weekend Box Office Results: Harry Potter takes a guinea pig in the rump

What's more embarrassing: (A) that Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince couldn't top a guinea pig movie in its second weekend or (B) that America loves guinea pigs voiced by Owen Wilson? I'm going with the latter. I hope America is ready for 7 more direct-to-video spy-based guinea pig movies, and I also hope America is proud that they hurt Harry's feelings. What a bunch of pig-obsessed bullies we are. I only hope this means that, next year, we aren't all shocked when the second week of Iron Man 2 is thwarted by the new movie Action Frogs: Frogs Who Love Action.

Here are the results (haiku style):

1.) G-Force - $32 million (Accuracy of prediction - 79%)

Don't doubt the rodents.
They may be quite disgusting,
so is Kevin James.

2.) Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince - $30 million (Accuracy of prediction - 87%)

Voldemort aside,
Harry's biggest foe is us!
We prefer rodents.

3.) The Ugly Truth - $27 million (Accuracy of prediction- 91%)

Now Hiegl's a star.
Sandra Bullock is one too.
I smell a team-up.

4.) Orphan - $13 million (Accuracy of prediction - 96%)

Blink and you'll miss it,
this movie will be gone soon.
Like it never was.

5.) Ice Age 3 - $8 million (Accuracy of prediction - 82%)

Nothing left to say.
Let's talk about something else.
I like burritos.

Overall accuracy of prediction - 87%

Respectable week.
Nothing to write home about.
Happy Monday gang!

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

I'll be in Chi-town this weekend, watching my beloved Cubbies try to surge into first in the NL Central. This means I'll be so blotched by the second inning that I'll make out with the mascot. Since I'm in this wonderful mood, I'm going to give you a limerick introduction to my haiku predictions (I'm that rhythmic).

New movies this week are craptastic,
quite possibly written by spastics.
But I'll guess their take,
and if mistakes I do make,
I may have to do something drastic.

Here's how I see it (haiku style):

1.) Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince - $32 million

Harry gets older,
and his movies get wiser.
Sounds like a win/win.

2.) G-Force - $25 million

This flick might just win.
Mostly because of 3D...
and rodent lovers.

3.) The Ugly Truth - $22 million

Could not care any less...
and Heigl has baby teeth.
This one won't last long.

4.) Orphan - $12 million

Creepy kids scare me,
that is not an endorsement.
Please do not see this.

5.) Ice Age 3 - $11 million

Next week it's all over.
I won't mention this again.
Make room for more crap.

WILDCARD: Transformers 2 - $9 million

Please, please go away.
How I hate you Michael Bay.
That would make my day.

Happy Weekend. Go Cubbies.

Weekend Box Office Results: Unlike the Harry Potter series, my good luck ends

I was on one of those legendary streaks, having done insanely well in this box office game that no one cares about but me for literally months now. I hadn't missed a top 5 finish in at least 9 weeks, maybe longer (I don't know for sure how many, I can't count on Mondays, it's against my religion). I was feeling good about myself, you know, like maybe things were looking up for old Ryan. Plus, it's my blog-a-versary this week (Thursday, but you already know that and have mailed the presents by now...right?), so I was hoping for something special. Then came this weekend, when the fifth place film and the eight place film were decided by less than $800,000 (which is, you know, more money than I'll see in a lifetime but is relatively small in box office terms). The result of this combined with the infinite sorrow of the previous Twilight news is a Monday for the ages. I'm sadder than the saddest sad panda.

Here are the (sad) results (in Haiku form, per usual):

1.) Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince - $79.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 91.5%)

It's beloved worldwide,
but can't top Transformers here.
Harry - 0, Bay - 1

2.) Ice Age 3 - $18 million (Accuracy of prediction - 97%)

Extinction is slow,
why can't this movie just die?
Evolution? Please.

3.) Transformers 2 - $14 million (Accuracy of prediction - 97%)

I just have one thought.
Please, Michael Bay...go away
before I hurt you.

4.) Bruno - $8.3 million (Accuracy of prediction - 82%)

Talk about failing!
It dropped nearly three quarters.
Borat 2 anyone?

5.) The Hangover - $8.25 million (Accuracy of prediction - 0%)

Nice to see you back.
Thanks for ruining my good streak.
Now please leave again.

Overall accuracy of prediction - 74%

Dog days of summer
loom before me. Quite scary.
Happy Monday, gang!

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

I would say that guessing the box office champ this week is as easy as pie, but pie is a multi-layered, complex desert with nuances and possibilities that are endless. I will not sully the good name of pies. Guessing the champ is more like "easy as figuring whodunnit on a 'Law and Order' episode guest starring a formerly famous actor/actress." The question is, can Harry and Hermione (who, need I remind many of you out there was all of SEVENTEEN when she filmed this movie...just sayin') defeat the racist robots of Michael Bay and pull of the biggest weekend of the year? Can they overcome the giant swinging techno-testes of the Bayster and his evil, evil movie? No. They can't. But they'll try admirably. They'll fail, but they'll try very hard. Nothing else opened this week because nothing else is stupid enough to go after Harry, which means more haikus about things I've already written many haikus on. Yay for repetition!

Here's how I see it (haiku time):

1.) Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince - $93 million

Hormones and evil
which one is more dramatic?
Ask Hermione.

2.) Ice Age 3 - $19 million

I will not see this.
Even if you asked me nice.
...I would for ScarJo.

3.) Transformers 2 - $15 million

Please leave, Mr. Bay.
You've made your point already.
No one heeds critics.

4.) Bruno - $11 million

Borat this isn't.
But no need to cry, Sasha.
You still have Isla.

5.) Public Enemies - $8 million

Johnny Depp still rules,
wants to play Carol Channing.
I say we let him.

Wildcard: The Proposal - $7.5 million

Bye-bye to Sandra.
Your next movie looks worse yet.
But you've still got it!

That's it for me gang, I'm off to horse races, writing until my hand hurts, and moving furniture for my father. In other words, hooray for the weekend?!

Weekend Box Office Results: You love Bruno...just not like that

Nobody reasonable expected Bruno to do Borat money, mainly because of the hierarchy of social satire (xenophobia > homophobia > cheese-prejudice). Whereas the crazy Kazakh made people laugh somewhat uncomfortably (mostly during a few choice nude scenes), Bruno's entire schtick is to create discomfort, and some people apparently don't find that desirable. Me? I live for discomfort. It's why God created brillo-pad underwear. No way Bruno does Borat money, as the hype with that first film was organic and grew like Ryan Seacrest's ego. This one should drop precipitously next week, but I don't care, as I'm waiting to see what Sasha Baron Cohen will do now that he's pretty much exhausted his premade characters (yes, there was an Ali G movie...no, I do not recommend it). Also, it looks like Transformers is finally calming a bit, with Harry Potter sure to take a wizard-sized chunk out of robot ass this weekend. Final gross should be below $400 million, which is gross enough for me, thank you. The only other major note this weekend: America has spoken via decreased ratings for "Heroes" and a tanked first major movie. We hate you Hayden Panitierre. Go back to whatever disinteresting hole birthed you.

Here are the results (haiku style):

1.) Bruno - $30.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 97%)

Sorry, dear Bruno.
You will not get Borat love.
Is it the umlaut?

2.) Ice Age 3 - $28.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 93%)

Prehistoric gang
should meet their end this weekend.
Potter crushes all.

3.) Transformers 2 - $24 million (Accuracy of prediction - 92%)

One more time at least,
I'd like to thank Michael Bay,
for my lack of worth.

4.) Public Enemies - $14 million (Accuracy of prediction - 98%)

A forgotten film
that deserved much, much better.
Blame Bay for this too.

5.) The Proposal - $10.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 93%)

Congrats to Ryan,
on his big Green Lantern role.
Never look back, buddy.

Overall accuracy of prediction - 95%

Perhaps my best week,
not that anybody cares.
I am proud of me!

Happy Monday, movie lovers.

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

For those who don't know, this is a weekly installment that some people mock me for (I'm looking at you Froemming) and others love (nobody loves it). Having split my blog apart for the first time (it's like Voltron, really), I felt the need to introduce the insanity that is about to befall you. The rules are simple: Haikus for every prediction, I score the predictions on Monday using a formula that would bore the shit out of you to explain but trust me is pretty accurate, and I get to have a wildcard because for weeks I sucked like a struggling actress. Got it?

Here's this week's predictions:

1.) Bruno - $32.5 million

This may seem quite small.
But remember what this is:
Gay shock comedy.

2.) Ice Age 3 - $24.5 million

Can this be it now?
Can we agree we are done?
It was never good.

3.) Transformers 2 - $20 million

When it's all over,
it will have 400 mill
and no dignity.

4.) Public Enemies - $14.5 million

This is really good.
Don't believe the "nay" sayers.
Many are horses.

5.) The Proposal - $9 million

Poor Ryan Reynolds,
this is what you're known for now.
Maybe Green Lantern?

WILDCARD - I Love You Beth Cooper - $7 million

No way this does well.
Hayden is a bad actress.
Tell her I said so.

That's it gang, hope you have a great weekend and see you on the flip side.