Double dose of interesting lies/truth

One of these things (possibly both) is probably true. One of these things (possibly both) is probably false. Let's play "Guess What We're In For!"

First up is an extension of a rumor we spoke about last week. Looks like Top Gun 2 is happening. The twist is, Tony Scott is supposedly considering directing it. He doesn't want a remake or a reboot, he wants, as he says "a new thing." So I assume that means less blatant homoeroticism and a plot that doesn't involve the Russkies? If this happens, which is possible maybe even probable, with Scott at the helm, look for his shaky cam, hyper-cuts to make things so confusing you can't even tell when they're flying or not.

Second, and the one you should probably put your money on as being a load of Bantha poodoo, Lucas is supposedly considering more Star Wars movies.

We do this from time to time. We get so nostalgic for the series (the way it used to be), so bummed that what we got from the prequels was underwhelming, that we invent these possibilities of the man returning to form and redeeming himself and the franchise with a new series of films that will never, ever, never-ever happen. Supposedly, someone leaked that these would not involve the Skywalker clan and would take place far into the Star Wars universe's future. Ooh! I know, maybe they can have a group of robots and humanoids crash land on a prehistoric earth, since the first series took place "long ago." Maybe they can secretly abandon technology and start humanity on earth as we know it. Congratulations, Lucas, you can't get to that bad idea first.

Obviously, the free answer to our little game is that as much as we desperately want the redemption of a great new slate of Star Wars films, that's not going to happen. Especially not with fat human Ewok up there at the helm. I get chills watching video game commercials that are set within that universe because they so completely seem to get the feel that we all love. Lucas is surrounded by those who gets it but doesn't himself. It's kind of like the Emperor has no clothes, only the emperor has a neckbeard in this case.

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George Lucas gets further in our faces

They're coming. Again. It was announced that starting in 2012, George Lucas is re-releasing a Star Wars movie into theaters one at a time (once a year)...and they're going to be in 3D. Oh, and they're starting with The Phantom Menace. So, starting in 2015, they're re-releasing Star Wars. Look, it is what it is, right? We knew this was coming, we knew that Lucas would find a way to get more money out of us, and we knew 3D would be involved, because instead of finding a new story to tell with new technology, it's much lazier and easier to retrofit something that's ALREADY DONE and just cash in on it. It is a business move, as everything Lucas has done for the last 3 decades has been, and has nothing to do with fans, creativity, or art. And we're going to see them. We are. Maybe not in the droves and waves that we have in the past, but we are going to go watch them. Because watching this series on the big screen makes us feel good. It's why there are one-man shows about Star Wars, puppet reenactments, comics, cartoons, and so on. As much as it disgusts me about myself, I know that I'll go see these on the big screen because I am still drawn like a moth to the flame that will burn me. Who cares? At some point we have to be beyond the shock, right? We have to have realized what the game is and accept it anyway, right? Lucas is lazy, marginalizes his own previous work by continuing to diddle it, and bilks the fans who made him everything he is while insulting us. We can either become angry and totally reject him and the series, or accept it and move on. I'm in the latter group. So, yep, this is annoying and stupid...and expected.

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Shia "the truth" LaBeouf

This is by no means groundbreaking or earth-shattering news, but much like a White Stripe who "fell in love with a girl," it bears repeating now. Shia LaBeouf feels guilty about what he and those monkeys did to our Indiana Jones franchise.

Amidst revelations that he "dropped the ball on the legacy" while at Cannes promoting a sequel to one of the most revered films of the 1980s from a legendary director (ruh, roh Raggy...could he have pooped on TWO classic film icons in just a few years?) came more interesting info, like how Harrison Ford kind of felt the movie sucked too. He also mentions that papa Spielberg, to whom LaBeouf owes everything as it was Stevie who ensured that LaBeouf didn't end up a child-star-meth-addict (a move I now call "Pulling a Sweetin"), is gonna be pissed about him breaking the family trust on this one. Yes, if it weren't for Shia LaBeouf mentioning it, no one would have thought that Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull was anything other than cinematic perfection. On the one hand, this admission makes me like LaBeouf even more. He even tries to take the rap for not pulling off that infamous monkey scene (Paul Newman couldn't have pulled off that scene if Daniel Day Lewis played one of those monkeys, just to be clear Shia). On the other hand, shut up LaBeouf, this ain't about you. Let's not take the eyes off the prize here. This is about Spielberg and Lucas...mostly just Lucas. This is about the fact that your character existed at all. This is about the goofy-ass missteps and general half-assedness of the entire final sequence of the film. Now, having been one of the few who actually didn't really mind good chunks of that now near universally loathed flick, I'll tell you that the shortcomings of the film are almost all Lucas's fault (and Spielberg by association). This isn't just another case of piling on the throat-bearded douche again, this is about making sure that we don't let a few comments change our assignment of blame. LaBeouf didn't write "cut to shot of gopher" in the script and he didn't go out and shoot that. What sucked did so because Lucas was struck by douche lightning and is now a supervillain. Now there's a quote I'd love to see get picked up by other media.

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To quote an emasculated Vader: Noooooooooooo!

Happy Monday! Prepare for a face dump. Star Wars, the most beloved franchise to ever molest its fanbase, is back to do more bad touching. As Slashfilm mentioned before, George Lucas once again tapped into the innermost psyche of his fans and determined that the best way to further stunt their mental growth and spiritual development was to create an animated sit-com version of Star Wars characters. The only thing potentially blunting the blunt force trauma to our hearts was the fact that Seth Green and "Robot Chicken" fellas were involved. It was going to be easy to ignore as stupid fun at best. Now...not so much. At Chicago's C2E2, a convention I wish I could have attended and that several beloved friends and family did get out to, Steve Sansweet (the Darth Vader to Lucas's Emperor Palpatine) was told by a fan at a panel something that anyone even passingly familiar with Star Wars would realize: Fans want more of Han, Luke, and Leia beyond novels and gross fan fiction. Sansweet replied, “And you will, in the new animation.” Wait, what? He went on to explain that "not everyone who dies stays dead in sci-fi." Oh, okay. WHAT? Then it dawned on everyone that "the new animation" may well refer to the new SITCOM ANIMATED SERIES! So, to recap, there may be a sitcom version of Star Wars that is animated and that will be the only place you can see the ongoing adventures of Han, Leia, and Luke as well as whatever characters they feel like bringing back from the dead (I'm guessing Vader and Yoda). There are often debates on what is "in canon" and what is not. This is an argument meant for nerds who like splitting hairs as much as atoms. I don't care if this isn't "officially" going to be a sequel to Return of the Jedi. If I'm watching those characters, animated or otherwise, it counts. And there may now be a laugh track. If it was unclear before, it is obvious now: Lucas will find new ways to hurt us. He's like the second most gifted abuser ever, next to this new "SNL" character:

I'm back...and more Australian than ever

Award yourself three bonus points if you were able to successfully identify the title of this blog post as a quip made by one of the "Mystery Science Theater 3000" gang during their review of Kathy Ireland's Alien from LA. Anyhoodle, just to give you a quick chance to catch up with what I've been up to since last we cyber-spoke: The University of Nebraska Omaha's forensics team (again, that means speaking and not "CSI" stuff) nailed down their first top 10 finish ever, had their best individual overall student (Allison Henri, who was 16th in the country), and had one student (Cameron Logsdon) win the first individual national championship in school history when he won Program of Oral Interpretation. For those who don't know what I'm talking about, just know that UNO achieved more than I could have dreamed...and last night I had a dream where a monkey milked a unicorn while MC Hammer watched. Now, I've missed a lot of stuff...and I do not have the time to walk through each and every single event that took place. That said, I'm going to do my damnedest to hit the highlights.

I really don't want to overwhelm all of you, so I'm going to do this in the shortest way possible...no, not haikus (although I'm tempted), but I am going to do some rhyming verse. Here goes, I give to you:

Ryan's Catch-Up Column in Rhyming Couplet

This is a small rumor, some would say a nugget
but if it is true, I sure want to plug it.
The word is that Thor may arrive in Iron Man 2,
it wouldn't surprise me, but this may not be true.

Although not a list-topper, Anna Faris is hot,
but when it comes to this news, I could not give a squat.
Ms. Faris will take over where Goldie Hawn has been,
by taking the lead in the new Private Benjamin.

Leonardo DiCaprio may decide to go FBI,
under the direction of another old guy.
This J Edgar Hoover bio will likely be good,
marking a change for Clint Eastwood.

Some remakes are obviously "dead pictures walking"
none are more so than Look Who's Talking.
If the producers would just hold up an iota,
given his choices, they might again score Travolta.

I can't say I know who Sebastian Stan is,
but his agent must be some kind of wiz.
He almost got cast as Captain America, which was lucky,
but was ultimately chosen to be his sidekick, Bucky.

Speaking of Cap, here's some more casting news,
one that will surely make some of you blue.
Cap's girl will be played by someone who's hot,
but one thing I know, Emily Blunt it is NOT.

Although the second one gave me the opposite of pleasure,
it looks like there'll be a third National Treasure.
The movie is supposedly already being penned,
and a nation awaits, to get screwed again.

We're going to see Thor sooner than I thought,
as starting May 5th, we'll see production shots.
Hopefully the images don't make us feel doom.
So much will come down to that silly costume.

George Lucas is back and at it once more,
with another Star Wars project for fans to endure.
He's finally giving fans the thing for which we waited!
A Star Wars TV sitcom that's animated?!?!?!?!

Red Sonja is stuck, in development Hades,
sad news for fans of sword-wielding ladies.
But rumor has it producers are removing these blocks,
and have offered the role to the vapid Megan Fox.

Harrison Ford may be back in the saddle,
helping cowboys against aliens battle!
Starring Daniel Craig, directed by Jon Favreau,
written by "Lost" writers, to Cowboys and Aliens I'll go!!!

That's the best recap I can do in the time and space allowed, folks. I promise not to leave you again for that long...at least not for awhile. Happy Tuesday, I'll be back with "Lost" thoughts shortly.

Ryan's Junk Drawer

How is it Thursday again already? I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm a fan of inching towards the weekend, but seriously...didn't we just do this? And by this, I mean stare at my junk. And by my junk, I mean movie news tidbits that weren't important enough to stand on their own (like any member of Destiny's Child whose name doesn't rhyme with Shmimonsay Smowles). As is our special Thursday tradition, we begin by looking at the creepy ass junk drawer image taken from Highlights Magazine...FOR CHLDREN. Each week we pick a new element of said image and make up a whacked out backstory for it. Today's image is the cylinder with the lightning bolt on it. By removing the oversized "Lightnin' Bolt" battery from the garage door remote, Carol ensured that her husband would have to exit his car in order to gain access to the house, buying her a few precious extra seconds with which to both hide the bodies and finish a lovely Turkey Pot Pie.

Okay, enough creepy, let's dive into my junk!

1.) Breaking news: George Lucas f**ks with his own movie! - Technically, Lucas is only an "executive producer" on Red Tails, a movie about the Tuskegee Airmen that he's been dinking and doinking with for an eternity (about 20 years or so). The film was directed by Anthony Hemingway (the TV show director, not the writer...he's dead), but First Showing suggests that the Lucas is gettin' all up in the movie's business. Word has it that this isn't about changing framing on a few images or making a few new cool fight scenes...they're changing THE MAIN CHARACTERS AND THEIR STORYLINES. Wowza. I don't have any hopes or expectations for this movie. And as much as I would LIKE to believe this is Captain Throatbeard deciding to make better the crap he crappily wrote the first time, it likely is just more micromanaging for the sake of ego. I have no faith in the man anymore. Why should I? Forget whether the prequels were any good, he hasn't made a significant film in 30 years.

2.) I ain't gonna lie, I don't care about this movie - I'm only posting this so I can talk about Carla Gugino, one of the most desperately underused, beautiful, talented actresses in movies today. Seriously. This is Carla Gugino.
Yeah. Alright, so she's apparently replacing Salma Hayek in Faster, a movie that sounds awful. Billed as a "revenge-thriller," it stars The Rock, Maggie Grace (who signed on to return to "Lost" FYI), and Moon Bloodgood, who was in Terminator Salvation and has the dumbest name not in use by a stripper. I don't care so much about the movie so much as Gugino still working. More of that. More of that please.

3.) A documentary about a comic convention? It's sure to be R-rated fun! - E!,
the only place I've ever cited that is so excited to be quoted that they deploy exclamatory punctuation, is reporting that Morgan Spurlock (who, despite only having one successful film [Supersize Me], may be the second best known documentarian somehow) is teaming with Joss Whedon for a docu-flick following 3 nerds at the San Diego Comic Con. I can dig that. Do I wish that Whedon were, instead, hard at work writing a movie of his own? Yep. See, his TV SHOWS keep getting canceled...so I'm kind of hoping the talented nerd starts making more MOVIES, which can't be canceled halfway through. Yes, he'll have to cram all his goodness into two hours, but I believe in Whedon's goodness cramming powers. Anyway, this will likely be the obligatory "check out the virgins as they act like dorks" combined with "but, wait, see how sweet and funny they are" look at nerd culture. What I really wish they'd do is follow some of the totally normal folks who attend, then a total freakshow (preferably one who is a mean-spirited asshole...they attend cons en masse), and a girl. The girl who realizes her powers while attending the comicon. Seriously, if you have boobies at a con...you are pretty much the supreme ruler. I am not exaggerating. I'll likely see this documentary, but I don't have to, because I've lived it.

4.) DC = Doofuses and chumps - I kid because I love comic books. See, I'm a Marvel guy, but I have nothing but respect for DC. I collect Batman and Robin, Ex Machina, and JSA because they rule, and if they put out something that grabs my attention, I buy it. I like some of their characters, even if for the most part they leave me cold because I can't relate to the legion of aliens, the magically empowered, or the frequently replaced. Still, I'm excited by news that Geoff Johns has been named Chief Creative Officer of DC Comics today, because he's talented. I am, however, saddened that Jim Lee and Dan DiDio are now the Head Co-publishers. Why? Because DiDio is the DiDouche who wants to make more "Watchmen" stuff and because Lee hasn't proven himself to be anything other than a once engaging pencil jockey. I have been left cold and dead by any "concept" Lee touches, and I feel like art in the comic world has passed him by. So even if his job is to screen and manage the artists, I don't have strong faith there. Seriously, DiDio is going to do a TERRIBLE job, too. I have a lot of friends who are DC loyalists and God bless you. My chosen company does incredibly stupid shit on a near weekly basis (although, that whole having Captain America blast the Tea Baggers for being racist thing...that ruled). Still, this only SOUNDS like good news in my opinion. You'll be weeping when "Watchmen 2" hits.

5.) Trailers, parked - Not a lot this week. But we do have two new looks at movies we've already previewed.

First up is Defendor, which looks to be taking a back seat to Kick-Ass despite covering the same subject matter only a bit more grown up.



I think there's room enough in this world for two movies like this, and I actually think it's part of a new wave of moving past the familiar superhero movies we've all gotten a little tired of. I for one, am going to see this.

Next up is the international Toy Story 3 trailer, which I'm only including because (A) I love Toy Story and (B) it shows SOME different stuff.



I wish all kids movies were made by Pixar. How does this not appeal to every demographic in the world except the "largely dead inside" demo? I'm pumped.

Okay, that's it for this week's junk gang. I'll see you tomorrow for our Friday hullabaloo.

George Lucas is a big ole faerie

In a move I think I can safely say that none of us saw coming, THR is reporting that George Lucas is working on a "top-secret, untitled, CGI-animated film" that just happens to be a musical about faeries.

I. Shit. You. Not.

Faeries.

Now, we don't know if we're talking Tinkerbell or something more Shakesperean or Gaiman-ian, but we do know that it will include "a variety of different kinds of music." I'm assuming these will include, but will not be limited to, music from the genres Terrible, Awful, Horrendous, and OMFG It's a Musical About Faeries From George Lucas. David Berenbaum, who wrote Elf, is writing and Kevin Munroe is directing. And it's a musical about faeries...from George Lucas. If you go back in time and tell the little version of me who just watched Empire Strikes Back that the guy behind that world is going to make a glorified cartoon faerie musical, you will get to watch innocence die. "But...but why?" the young and not yet jaded by life version of me will ask. "Why would Mr. Lucas do that?" Because somewhere along the line, he decided to hate all that is good. I seriously don't know what this world is coming to but it makes me mad enough to want to dress George Lucas in some ridiculous racing outfit and hire NBA superstar-turned-announcer John Salley to hoist him in the air while copping a weird feel.
See, now that's power, bitches.

Two stories I feel like we've heard 100000 times before

Tim Burton is directing a gothic fairy tale, and George Lucas wants to tinker more with Star Wars by re-releasing them in 3D. I feel like those things (which Slashfilm covered quite well this fine morn) don't really require a whole lot of discussion, as we've heard something similar so many times before. Oh, I'm going to discuss them, because that's what I do, yo. I just don't like it. Le sigh. Okay, first up is Burton doing Maleficent, which is a movie that focuses on the giant dragon-transforming villainess from Sleeping Beauty.
I'm in the minority among my friends, but I think Tim Burton needs a career intervention. Seriously, the cat's been doing the SAME MOVIE for like 2 decades now. Say what you will about how God awful that Superman movie would have been, I want to have seen it. It looked like a blissfully weird failure. I think that what he needs to do is something like that, not retelling the story of a well-known witch like Maleficent, but something like adapting a well-known novel or comic that doesn't fit his traditional mold. I like Burton's stuff, as almost everybody does. I just think he was so burned by the studio on Planet of the Apes that he retreated within this shell of familiarity. Speaking of shell of familiarity, the less said about Lucas returning to films he's already made the better. I feel about this the exact same way I do about the classless douche Brett Favre throwing that unnecessary touchdown in the Dallas game on Sunday. What do I mean? Well, Favre (and Lucas) certainly have THE RIGHT to do what they're doing. Favre plays in the NFL (Lucas plays with Industrial Lights and Magic studios and has more money than God), so he has every right professionally to assume that the other team should be able to stop him (Lucas can argue "We don't have to see the new tinkered-with Star Wars if we don't want to). But why do it? Why (in either case) do something that only potentially tarnishes what other people are excited about? Because you're a douche (both of them). That's the only reason. Because you are so inherently douchey that you can't undouche yourself for even a minute. You want to achieve non-douche status George Lucas (it's too late for Favre)? Let someone else make new Star Wars movies that are good. It's that easy.

Idle Speilbergian hands...

There's two ways this can go: Either the news that Steven Spielberg has left the abomination that would have been the remake of Harvey (thus leaving him currently projectless) means that he will finally tackle something he's wanted to tackle for awhile (a spiritual sequel to Close Encounters? His Abraham Lincoln movie?) or we're going to get another Indiana Jones movie. Really, nobody has a clue what the guy's doing next, which is potentially crazy, given the fact that the dude stacks projects upon projects like drunk stack beer-amids. The problem with future Indy movies isn't scripting, we all know they claim to wait for "the right idea" or "the right script" but anyone who's seen George Lucas write knows that he's basically just finger painting with random bad ideas. With this giant, gaping hole in Speilberg's production schedule, and with Harrison Ford scheduled for his prune enema next year, I'm guessing this would be one of those few "strike while the iron is hot" moments that the film could come together. Oh, it most likely won't (to the pleasure and joy of many), but it could...in fact, if not now, I don't know when. Also, I'd like to point out that it's been at least three weeks since the last rumors I heard about Indy 5, so if this could be a start point for more rampant speculation and baseless lies, I'd really appreciate it. Things get so boring without it.

Yes, I want another Indiana Jones movie

Okay, there, I said it. You know why I want another Indiana Jones movie? Because I like Indiana Jones. So sue me. I liked the last movie (didn't totally go nutso for it, but really did enjoy myself...nuking the fridge aside). More than that, I want the series to go out on a high note. We nerds need a win. After the Star Wars franchise has been dragged through more mud than a Louisiana swamp, after the constant remakes and reimaginings and reboots and whatnot, after the Internet has turned all of us (me included) into drooling hate mongers who want to do nothing but chirp and deride, it's time we had something from our past that we love turn out good. Yes, there's this problem to deal with:



Yes, there's the fact that they are using George Lucas as the primary story writer still. Yes, there are hurdles to be climbed, but dammit I want to believe again! I mention this because last weekend Harrison Ford and Karen Allen both independently noted that the fifth film was moving forward. They had cracked the "Macguffin" (or irrelevant artifact) that they will be searching for, and the scriptwriting was happening. I'm going to hold out hope. I am! Against all odds and evidence, against the title waves of people saying "oh, God, the last one sucked," I'm going to be the lone voice of optimism. There it is folks, there's what sets this little blog apart: This is the place that's stupidly excited about the next Indiana Jones movie in the face of all evidence to the contrary.