Ryan's Junk Drawer

It's that point in the week where I run out all of the interesting bits that aren't quite interesting enough to warrant an entire post (meaning, I don't have enough sarcasm to sustain a full paragraph, which is sad). Let's just stick a hand right on in that grab bag with no regard to the possibility of broken glass or a snake! Here's the top 5 almost-important stories of the week!

1.) According to HitFix, Brian Singer may be getting ready to work on a Battlestar Galactica movie. Wait, what?! There's no way it will follow the series that kicked ass (yes, I like the finale, I know it was flawed but SO AM I AND SO ARE YOU, DAMMIT), but it also can't help but borrow heavily from that bad-ass gold standard of remake/rebooting. Oh, sure, we've all wanted to see a male Starbuck again (even though, at this point, it will only further my sexual confusion), but this one is a long shot if you ask me. As Drew McWeeny (don't laugh, he can kick your ass with words) says, it's doubtful that Singer would take on a franchise that JUST HAD a popular remake done, but you know that studios are persuasive with their dollar-dollar-bills, y'all. Sadly, even if it sucks, I'm there. So, maybe that's why they're doing it.

2.) Despite never having been interesting in any way and basically resembling a nude male model, Namor (aka The Sub Mariner, aka pretty-much Aquaman with less clothes and more strength) is still getting a movie?! Marvel doesn't own the movie rights at this point, so no chance of an Avenger-thing happening, which just leaves a standalone story about a guy who is half-nekkid and swims a lot. Universal knows that nobody gives up superhero rights, so they still have Johnathan Mostow attached to direct, but let's face it, this won't ever happen. There's no way to make this character interesting, there's no built-in audience for the character (who hasn't sustained a series in like seven decades), and he's less-well-known than Aquaman. He is unfavorably compared to FRIGGIN' AQUAMAN. Swim away, already.

3.) I want to see the following movie even though there is a high chance of sucking. Yes, it makes no sense whatsoever that a former angel is going to take on the holy hosts (or unholy hosts, whatever) with a pair of machine guns. That said, OH MY GOD AN ANGEL IS SHOOTING AT OTHER ANGELS WITH A MACHINE GUN! There's also creepy demonic possession shit and some cool apocalypse stuff. Yes, we've seen the "your baby is the savior of the world" stuff before, but did I mention that an angel is shooting guns at other angels? Yep, I'm watching it...and you can watch the clip if you can figure out how to beat it's age requirement by putting in your actual birthday or, you know, you can do basic math.

4.) If you like your Harry Potter longer (that sounds sooooo dirty), you're in luck, because Rope of Silicon is reporting that Warner Brothers is looking to squeeze Harry like a Shamwow to get all the cash they can out of him. They are planning some kind of re-release or extended version release of the films. This isn't a regular series, where you can show all of them back-to-back for one long showing. If you were to do that with this franchise, you would go in prepubertal and leave at 30. Seriously, it would take nearly A FULL DAY to watch all of them (let alone EXTENDED VERSIONS), but there are people who will do so. I just don't want to know those people.

5.) Last week I ran a hilarious video spoofing Megan Fox, which you can see below. This week I shall run something of the actual Megan Fox being somewhat humorous (warning, there are naughty words in this too). This does not make me a Fox fan, but it is mildly humorous, so I'll allow it. But beware, you're on thin ice with me still, toe thumbs.

EMBED-Megan Fox Public Service Announcement - Watch more free videos

That's all, you can return to your business now.

Weekend Box Office Results: Cobra rises, thrusts itself into top spot

Seriously, I promise to you here and now that I will make some veiled penile reference virtually every time I mention GI Joe: Rise of Cobra. If you are above such things...I honestly can't believe you're still reading this blog.

Oh, not directly related to the below, but I want to know what I can do to make commenting easier for you guys. I can't tell if nobody is commenting because, you know nobody's reading or wants to comment, or if there's some sort of functional problem with the way things are set up. If the issue is the latter, please hook me up with an email at film@thereader.com, and I'll see what I can do. I just can't imagine a world where other people don't ALSO want to make wang jokes about the GI Joe movie title or make some kind of inappropriate comment about Rachel Nichols. Hell, I'm not getting any spam even...that has to mean something.

Here are the results (haiku style, bitches):

1.) GI Joe: Rise of the Cobra - $56 million (Accuracy of prediction - 99%)

This rose to the task.
It erected a huge win.
I told you I would.

2.) Julie and Julia - $20 million (Accuracy of prediction - 97%)

You can't stop Meryl.
You can try to contain her.
But she won't like that.

3.) G-Force - $10 million (Accuracy of prediction - 80%)

When will these pigs leave?
I can't take much more of this.
No more rodents please.

4.) Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince - $9 million (Accuracy of prediction - 91.5%)

Harry can't catch robots.
Transformers 2 wins the year.
I will now throw up.

5.) Funny People - $8 million (Accuracy of prediction - 61.5%)

Wow, this is not good.
America's votes are in.
And Paul Blart beat this.

Overall accuracy of prediction - 86%

Another good week,
for my predictions I mean.
The movies just sucked.

Okay, that's it gang. Go forth and be productive on this Monday!

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

Pretty obvious that GI: Joe is going to win the week, despite not being screened for the press. I didn't really report on it, but good lord the insanity that followed Paramount's decision to show the film to SOME online critics but not others resulted in a war of tweets and blogs that can only be described as "marginally entertaining." It turns out that some of those guys still harbor sad feelings from the time they were picked last in kickball. Also opening this weekend (and sure to get some lady money) is Julie and Julia, which once more shows that Meryl Streep is more important than all of us. Some other crappy movie about people getting killed on vacation opens (with Milla Jovovich, who I still find creepy/hot...as in, she's gorgeous but will totally stab me). How do I perceive this all turning out?

It's haiku time:

1.) GI Joe: Rise of the Cobra - $55 million

This one might be fun.
But the subtitle sounds gross.
Maybe that's just me.

2.) Julie and Julia - $21 million

Hot Amy Adams
paired with the sweet Meryl Streep.
Great tastes that taste great.

3.) Funny People - $11 million

Who is laughing now?
People wanted Judd to fail.
But I was not one.

4.) Harry Potter 6 - $10.5 million

That's enough, Harry.
I have nothing left to say.
My wand jokes are done.

5.) G-Force - $10 million

Good bye, guinea pigs.
I will not miss you at all.
I prefer a dog.

WILDCARD - A Perfect Getaway - $9 million

This looks like pure crap,
if you don't count Jovovich.
I used to love her.

Okay gang, you have a good weekend. If you're in the state of Nebraska, avoiding going outside if you prefer not to be on fire. See you Monday!

Weekend box office results: Harry finally beats hairy

I could dress this up or I could be honest. I'll take your inability to respond in any way as a call for honesty: This week was boring with a capital PBS. I mean, seriously, the top grossing film in the last week of July made $23 million all weekend, which is what Transformers 2 made before the opening credits played once. I really hope that Hollywood is taking notice: Following the cool kids to the front of the summer line means there isn't enough food to go around, you dig? SPREAD. YOUR. RELEASES. OUT. Dingbats.

Here's the weekend results (haiku style):

1.) Funny People - $23 million (Accuracy of prediction - 89%)

Poor, Adam Sandler.
This year will break his hot streak.
Thank the Lord, Jesus.

2.) Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince - $17.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 84%)

Harry beat the pigs!
By the power of IMAX.
It's a potent spell.

3.) G-Force - $17 million (Accuracy of prediction - 78%)

The pigs should be proud...
Actually they shouldn't be.
Sigh, but such is life.

4.) The Ugly Truth - $13 million (Accuracy of prediction - 90%)

Heigl is a diva,
so says all of the reports.
I just don't know how.

5.) Aliens in the Attic - $7.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 60%)

Well, this one is dead.
Sayonara Miss Tisdale.
We hardly knew ye.

Overall accuracy of prediction - 80%

I got a low "B."
But that is just fine with me.
I can do much worse.

Happy Monday gang!

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

I know you were all worried earlier in the week that the blog down-ness was going to prevent you from getting your Haiku on. No way. Nothing can stop me from droppin' some ancient Asian poetic form on your face every Friday, and that's a promise (more like a luke-warm suggestion, really). This week is another odd one, as Hollywood seems to have fired both barrels of their blockbuster gun before Summer is even officially half over (premature cinematic release, really).

Here's how I see this weekend (haiku style):

1.) Funny People - $28 million

Sandler is worried,
his $100 million film streak
may come to an end!

2.) G-Force - $21 million

Guinea pigs are good.
But guinea pigs in 3D?
Now that's just divine.

3.) Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince - $15.5 million

Buck up, young Harry.
Transformers wins the U.S.
But you're tops elsewhere!

4.) Aliens in the Attic - $14 million

Wants to be Gremlins,
but is nowhere near Gremlins.
Suck on that, Tisdale.

5.) The Ugly Truth - $13 million

Heigl is on my list.
And I don't mean the good list.
I mean the bad one.

I don't even need a wildcard this week, I feel that good about things. I'm going to regret that.

Happy Friday, gang!

Weekend Box Office Results: Harry Potter takes a guinea pig in the rump

What's more embarrassing: (A) that Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince couldn't top a guinea pig movie in its second weekend or (B) that America loves guinea pigs voiced by Owen Wilson? I'm going with the latter. I hope America is ready for 7 more direct-to-video spy-based guinea pig movies, and I also hope America is proud that they hurt Harry's feelings. What a bunch of pig-obsessed bullies we are. I only hope this means that, next year, we aren't all shocked when the second week of Iron Man 2 is thwarted by the new movie Action Frogs: Frogs Who Love Action.

Here are the results (haiku style):

1.) G-Force - $32 million (Accuracy of prediction - 79%)

Don't doubt the rodents.
They may be quite disgusting,
so is Kevin James.

2.) Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince - $30 million (Accuracy of prediction - 87%)

Voldemort aside,
Harry's biggest foe is us!
We prefer rodents.

3.) The Ugly Truth - $27 million (Accuracy of prediction- 91%)

Now Hiegl's a star.
Sandra Bullock is one too.
I smell a team-up.

4.) Orphan - $13 million (Accuracy of prediction - 96%)

Blink and you'll miss it,
this movie will be gone soon.
Like it never was.

5.) Ice Age 3 - $8 million (Accuracy of prediction - 82%)

Nothing left to say.
Let's talk about something else.
I like burritos.

Overall accuracy of prediction - 87%

Respectable week.
Nothing to write home about.
Happy Monday gang!

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

I'll be in Chi-town this weekend, watching my beloved Cubbies try to surge into first in the NL Central. This means I'll be so blotched by the second inning that I'll make out with the mascot. Since I'm in this wonderful mood, I'm going to give you a limerick introduction to my haiku predictions (I'm that rhythmic).

New movies this week are craptastic,
quite possibly written by spastics.
But I'll guess their take,
and if mistakes I do make,
I may have to do something drastic.

Here's how I see it (haiku style):

1.) Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince - $32 million

Harry gets older,
and his movies get wiser.
Sounds like a win/win.

2.) G-Force - $25 million

This flick might just win.
Mostly because of 3D...
and rodent lovers.

3.) The Ugly Truth - $22 million

Could not care any less...
and Heigl has baby teeth.
This one won't last long.

4.) Orphan - $12 million

Creepy kids scare me,
that is not an endorsement.
Please do not see this.

5.) Ice Age 3 - $11 million

Next week it's all over.
I won't mention this again.
Make room for more crap.

WILDCARD: Transformers 2 - $9 million

Please, please go away.
How I hate you Michael Bay.
That would make my day.

Happy Weekend. Go Cubbies.

Weekend Box Office Results: Unlike the Harry Potter series, my good luck ends

I was on one of those legendary streaks, having done insanely well in this box office game that no one cares about but me for literally months now. I hadn't missed a top 5 finish in at least 9 weeks, maybe longer (I don't know for sure how many, I can't count on Mondays, it's against my religion). I was feeling good about myself, you know, like maybe things were looking up for old Ryan. Plus, it's my blog-a-versary this week (Thursday, but you already know that and have mailed the presents by now...right?), so I was hoping for something special. Then came this weekend, when the fifth place film and the eight place film were decided by less than $800,000 (which is, you know, more money than I'll see in a lifetime but is relatively small in box office terms). The result of this combined with the infinite sorrow of the previous Twilight news is a Monday for the ages. I'm sadder than the saddest sad panda.

Here are the (sad) results (in Haiku form, per usual):

1.) Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince - $79.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 91.5%)

It's beloved worldwide,
but can't top Transformers here.
Harry - 0, Bay - 1

2.) Ice Age 3 - $18 million (Accuracy of prediction - 97%)

Extinction is slow,
why can't this movie just die?
Evolution? Please.

3.) Transformers 2 - $14 million (Accuracy of prediction - 97%)

I just have one thought.
Please, Michael Bay...go away
before I hurt you.

4.) Bruno - $8.3 million (Accuracy of prediction - 82%)

Talk about failing!
It dropped nearly three quarters.
Borat 2 anyone?

5.) The Hangover - $8.25 million (Accuracy of prediction - 0%)

Nice to see you back.
Thanks for ruining my good streak.
Now please leave again.

Overall accuracy of prediction - 74%

Dog days of summer
loom before me. Quite scary.
Happy Monday, gang!

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

I would say that guessing the box office champ this week is as easy as pie, but pie is a multi-layered, complex desert with nuances and possibilities that are endless. I will not sully the good name of pies. Guessing the champ is more like "easy as figuring whodunnit on a 'Law and Order' episode guest starring a formerly famous actor/actress." The question is, can Harry and Hermione (who, need I remind many of you out there was all of SEVENTEEN when she filmed this movie...just sayin') defeat the racist robots of Michael Bay and pull of the biggest weekend of the year? Can they overcome the giant swinging techno-testes of the Bayster and his evil, evil movie? No. They can't. But they'll try admirably. They'll fail, but they'll try very hard. Nothing else opened this week because nothing else is stupid enough to go after Harry, which means more haikus about things I've already written many haikus on. Yay for repetition!

Here's how I see it (haiku time):

1.) Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince - $93 million

Hormones and evil
which one is more dramatic?
Ask Hermione.

2.) Ice Age 3 - $19 million

I will not see this.
Even if you asked me nice.
...I would for ScarJo.

3.) Transformers 2 - $15 million

Please leave, Mr. Bay.
You've made your point already.
No one heeds critics.

4.) Bruno - $11 million

Borat this isn't.
But no need to cry, Sasha.
You still have Isla.

5.) Public Enemies - $8 million

Johnny Depp still rules,
wants to play Carol Channing.
I say we let him.

Wildcard: The Proposal - $7.5 million

Bye-bye to Sandra.
Your next movie looks worse yet.
But you've still got it!

That's it for me gang, I'm off to horse races, writing until my hand hurts, and moving furniture for my father. In other words, hooray for the weekend?!

Harry Potter and the Hairy Fallout

I don't pretend that my friends represent mainstream America. Hell, I'm not sure my friends are even American (and I never ask what they mainstream). Still, with identities changed to protect the (not-so) innocent, here's a sampling of some of the comments I've seen from Potter-philes enthusiastic enough to ignore doctor recommendations for sleep patterns to see the sixth film:

Interesting McOpinionhaver: fell asleep three times during Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. It was that good. Seriously, watching paint dry was more exciting than the middle 90 minutes of this movie.

Doubting Thomas: Half blood prince obviously decided only half the book was necessary...

Which was followed by

Suzie Somethin' Somethin': No that is how it happened....if you read the book by skipping every ten pages then reading one
Doubting Thomas: it was very anticlimactic.

Sassy McPants: I did not not cry at the end of Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince.

Angry Lady: Harry potter: what the f##k? way to not do anything for 2 whole hours. did that movie even have a plot??

Now, let's contrast that with the following interesting tidbits: (1) The film currently has a 94% Tomatometer score at Rottentomatoes.com (the highest of the series); (2) This includes rave reviews from some people I really respect, like Devin at Chud.com, Drew at Hitflix, and Roger Ebert, who specifically noted "I admired this Harry Potter;" and (3) I actually really liked the film.

Obviously, the divide seems to be between fans who want faithful adaptations and heathens like me, who haven't read more than the first book (which, by the way, was pretty mediocre). I actually really enjoy the movie series and have no clue what's cut out from the books, but as a relatively unbiased viewer, allow me to say this: If these films contained any more material, were filled with so much as one more scene of "Stupalore McGregor's mystical whatsicallit," had one more superfluous character, they would explode into a bazillion pieces. They are OVERPACKED right now. You cannot achieve on screen what you can achieve on the page, that's why they we have both mediums. I believe the novel for "Half-Blood Prince" was, and I'm rounding here, 27,000 pages long. You can't possibly get all that in there, you just can't. I've read various places that the ending is somewhat changed but, to be fair, the rationale I've read for omitting what was omitted seems not just rational but pretty clear-headed.

As a comic fan and English major, I've endured so many page-to-screen translations that I know the pain that many Potter-philes are feeling. Let it wash away, because you're getting what every TRUE fan wants: Good movies based on books you loved. You have to treat them as separate but equal entities. I know this is shocking, but the films can be both DIFFERENT from the books AND as good as they were (if not better).

I'm curious as to whether this opinion will dominate the reaction landscape (feel free to leave your opinions below), as I can't remember a mainstream, big-budget picture of this size that critics seem to love more than fans. Remarkable really.

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince Review

Potter? I Hardly Knew Her!
Harry, Hermione and hormones

Having now spent 902 mostly enjoyable moments watching Harry Potter and his various conjunction followers, I am pretty much ready for something, anything, to definitively happen. Yes, Potter-philes, I’ll grant you that Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince has a few scenes of actual consequence (mostly at its end), but beyond that, it’s pretty much just horny teenagers discovering how their wands work. Given the water that is furiously tread in this sixth installment, the biggest magic trick in Harry’s universe is that director David Yates’s second Potter go-round is somehow the franchise’s most endearing.

Although still inexplicably without a “previously in Harry Potter” opening sequence for those of us who found J.K. Rowling’s collective to be an opus of mediocre-but-imaginative prose describing characters and subplots unworthy of memorizing, the film begins with Harry (Daniel Radcliffe) mackin’ on a waitress. In prime position to “get wit dat,” Harry gets wand-blocked by Dumbledore (Michael Gambon), who steals him away and uses him to convince Professor Horace Slughorn (Jim Broadbent) to return to Hogwart’s. Dumbledore turns Harry into a straight-up snitch and tasks him with retrieving vital, Voldemort-based info from the self-centered, boorish teacher.

Meanwhile, Draco Malfoy (Tom Felton) has been tasked with doing some evil thing with what looks like an outhouse, and Hermione (Emma Watson) obsesses over Ron (Rupert Grint), who fools around with Lavender (Jessie Cave), while Harry lusts after Ginny (Bonnie Wright). Yes, that’s right, the brawl betwixt good and evil is paused long enough for everybody to try and get their swerve on. See, J.K., I did that in under 200 words.

Beginning with the exceptional, and cinematic series–transforming, Prisoner of Azkaban and continuing through Goblet of Fire and Order of the Phoenix, the franchise has been spelunking deeper into darker territories. The Half-Blood Prince is presumably a pleasant, PG-rated pause; it is the deep drink of oxygen before the violent drowning fit promised by the climactic, two-part Deadly Hallows (in which, I am assured, things will happen).

In the current respite, we appreciate the now-nuanced performances of the former-child-stars turned capable, engaging actors. Although partially owed to Rowling’s fiction and Steve Kloves’s spry script, the emotion brought by Watson and Radcliffe in particular are a unique gift of casting. Never before in film (unlike in television) have children grown on-screen before our eyes; when Hermione weeps over Ron’s romantic ignorance, Watson has earned our reaction over the course of nearly a decade. Not to be showed up by young talent, Broadbent is every bit as brilliant as his reputation would suggest in the obligatory wacky-new-teacher-with-a-secret role.

The film’s strengths and weaknesses are bound Krazy Glue tight, as the decision to grant teenaged heartbreak the same gravitas as global destruction at the hands of pure evil is simultaneously engaging and irritating. After hearing for some 12 hours that Mr. Potter is “the chosen one,” it’s high time he shows off what he’s been chosen to do (beyond flirt)…and yet how can one be upset with a big-budget series that grants as much weight to character as eye-candy? Oh, yes, Yates does deliver the expected visual magic, but his light touch allows both actors and scenery to glow. Without a giant CGI orgy to pin down the climax, Yates relies on the oldest of all special effects: a great cast.

Perhaps it’s fitting for a film with characters typhooned by hormones that The Half-Blood Prince is an exhilarating tease. It’s all brief kisses, strained embraces and promises of a wham-bang finish that most aren’t sure they want to happen. As for this weary semi-fan: The foreplay’s been terrific, but I’m ready for the grand finale.

Grade – B+