Box Office Results: Avatar loses!!! To Dear John? WTF?

I didn't see this coming. As elated as I am that the beast has fallen (for now), I am a bit shocked that it was to a generic titled, generic sounding, by-all-accounts pretty awful teenage romance movie. Weird. Still, it's nice to see some change at the top. Does this mean I have to know who Channing Tatum is now? I know he has two last names and no first name? Does this mean Amanda Seyfried has room to negotiate her contract on Mama Mia 2? What will happen?! I'm frightened! HOW WILL JAMES CAMERON TAKE THIS?!!! AHHHHH!!!

Here's the results, haiku style:

1.) Dear John - $32 million (Accuracy of prediction - 67%)

I did not see this.
The first place OR the movie.
A total shocker.

2.) Avatar - $24 million (Accuracy of prediction - 84%)

Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha.
You lost to Nicholas Sparks.
You suck, Jimmy C.

3.) From Paris with Love - $8 million (Accuracy of prediction - 65%)

Poor bald Travolta.
Nobody Loved your movie
They didn't like it.

4.) Edge of Darkness - $7 million (Accuracy of prediction - 94%)

Bye bye Mel Gibson.
When next we see "sugar tits,"
he'll have a puppet.

5.) The Tooth Fairy - $6.5 million (Accuracy of prediction -100%)

This just hangs around.
Like a bad tooth infection.
Go to hell, The Rock.

Overall accuracy of prediction - 82%

Avatar's rule ends.
Giving way to romance films.
But...am I happy?

That's it for Monday. Get to work.

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

Gee, I wonder what will win this week? It's like Hollywood isn't even trying, which is par for the course actually. Now that Avatar has all the records it can get, I wonder if we'll finally tire of hearing about its box office rampage. I know I'm tired of it, but I'm a cynical bastard. The new movies this week are feeble and stupid. They will not mount a challenge. Enough pussyfooting around, let's just get this over with.

Here's how I see the weekend box office, haiku style:

1.) Avatar - $27 million

It sunk Titanic
It now holds the global crown.
Can it PLEASE stop now?

2.) Dear John - $17 million

Dear Nicholas Sparks,
why are you still relevant?
Your ideas suck.

3.) From Paris with Love - $15 million

Just ridiculous.
That's how John Travolta looks.
Bald AND a goatee?!

4.) Edge of Darkness - $8 million

This one is a dud.
Not a good comeback for Mel.
Karma is a bitch.

5.) When in Rome - $7 million

Very generic
and very forgettable.
We'll purge this one soon.

WILDCARD - The Tooth Fairy - $6.5 million

The Rock sold his pride
and the movie was a flop.
What a tragic tale.

Okay, that's it gang. It's nasty outside, so be careful.

Weekend Box Office Results: Time is frozen.

I had a nightmare that I would only be talking about Avatar forever. I was in my mid-forties and not only was I not rich, I was still discussing this movie. Not its sequels, not its spin-offs, but this original movie that was still playing in theaters because nobody has the stones or brains to release a good movie in February. Ugh. I would like to point out that although Edge of Darkness didn't do great money (because it was mediocre), even tripe like When in Rome made decent coin. People want to go to the movies all year long. It's time to sound that familiar gong about how they need to drop blockbusters at least once a month. Bang a gong.

Here's the weekend results (haiku style):

1.) Avatar - $30 million (Accuracy of prediction - 97%)

You leave me no choice.
I must now resort to puns.
I am feeling "blue."

2.) Edge of Darkness - $17 million (Accuracy of prediction - 79.5%)

This is no Taken.
But Neeson is a good guy.
No "sugar tits" there.

3.) When in Rome - $12.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 74%)

With Bell's cute dimples
and an advert overload
this didn't quite fail.

4.) The Tooth Fairy - $10 million (Accuracy of prediction - 75%)

The ONLY kid flick
it has no competition
we can't condone this.

5.) The Book of Eli - $9 million (Accuracy of prediction - 80%)

Bye for now, Denzel.
You'll be off this list next week.
But I still love you.

Overall accuracy of prediction - 81%

Still pulling a B.
Avatar makes it easy.
For that, it's OK.

That's it gang. Go have a Monday!

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

Gee. I wonder what will win this weekend? Why, could it be Avatar, the movie that is quickly fostering hate inside of my belly like a piece of wire accidentally ingested by a cow? Months ago, when I saw the film, I thought it was a fun piece of pop candy. I didn't have it pegged for all-time box office domination, so I didn't mind it. Now that it's no longer Avatar but AVATAR!!! I kind of hate it. It may not be fair, but fair is for wussies. With that, I give you my unnecessarily hate-filled, Avatar-topping forecast for the weekend box office.

Here are the predictions (haiku style).

1.) Avatar - $28 million

ENOUGH ALREADY
You now have all the records.
Please feel free to leave.

2.) Edge of Darkness - $24 million

Mel Gibson is back!
He served his time in limbo.
Sugar tits is back!

3.) The Book of Eli - $9 million

Slouching towards a hit
thanks to a lack of options.
January sucked.

4.) When in Rome - $8.5 million

Darling Kristen Bell
why would you make this movie?
I mean, Josh Duhamel?

5.) Legion - $8 million

Nice total last week
Time for you to slip away
We won't remember

WILDCARD - The Tooth Fairy - $7 million

Shame on you, The Rock.
Shame on you a thousand times.
Fame is done with you.

Weekend Box Office Results: We're not done with Avatar yet

Well, it's (almost) official. There's little doubt that within the next 2-3 days, Avatar will be the all-time worldwide box office champ and that within 2 weeks or so it will be the all-time domestic champ. I suggest that once it has reached that mark, we strip it from each and every theater like unwanted wallpaper. I say we storm the projection booths, reclaim each print, and toss them into a fire. Not because I hate the movie, which is just okay, but because I am pretty much done ever talking about this movie ever again. And with that...let's write some poetry about it!

Here are the results from the weekend box office, haiku style:

1.) Avatar - $36 million (Accuracy of prediction - 97%)

There's no end in sight.
It has all of our money.
It should bail out banks.

2.) Legion - $18 million (Accuracy of prediction - 71.5%)

This was surprising.
Y'all love angels with guns then?
Let the rip-offs start!

3.) The Book of Eli - $17 million (Accuracy of prediction - 100%)

Still haven't seen it.
Looks like a Blu-Ray rental.
I'm still curious.

4.) The Tooth Fairy - $14.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 54%)

Suck on that The Rock.
That should make you stop this crap.
Make some action flicks.

5.) The Lovely Bones - $8.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 91%)

Disappointing end
to a seemingly good match
of source and helmer

Overall accuracy of prediction - 83%

I'm a B student
when it comes to box office
but I will take that.

That's it for Monday. It's my wife's birthday today, so if you know Abbie at all, give her some love!

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

Nobody will admit it, but I'm terrified that Avatar WON'T be number one this week. Oh, it's not because I love discussing a phenomenon or that I'm worried about James Cameron's fragile ego. It's because if Avatar isn't number one, then The Tooth Fairy will be. It has all the hallmarks of the "surprise" Disney hits like The Pacifier and The Game Plan and The Bad Touch (okay, I made that last one up, but it's how those movies make me feel). I am praying that the world realizes that children who see The Tooth Fairy grow up to be serial killers when they're older. Also opening this week is Legion, which I still want to see even if I know it will be bad for me. It's kind of like Taco Bell, I know this is going to burn me on the inside, but I'm drawn to the taste. Then there's Extraordinary Measures, which is trying to capitalize on the optimism and kind story that catapulted The Blind Side, only this stars Brendon Fraser and a not-even-trying-anymore Harrison Ford. Yeah, that's right Brendon Fraser, I just compared you to Sandra Bullock in a negative way. You have less talent than Sandra Bullock. That's gotta hurt. As for Mr. Ford, surely he doesn't NEED to work, so I think he should stop. Retire, dude. Go find Sean Connery on a beach somewhere. Sean Connery is still alive, right? I don't want to be insensitive. Anyway, here's how I see this week going, haiku style.

1.) Avatar - $34 million

There's no more question
This film will beat Titanic.
If only I cared.

2.) The Tooth Fairy - $22 million

Why, Mr. The Rock?
Why would you do this to us?
Did someone hurt you?

3.) The Book of Eli - $17 million

A solid effort.
The box office, not the film.
I haven't seen that.

4.) Legion - $15 million

An angel with guns?
What cool looking imagery.
But I think that's it.

5.) The Lovely Bones - $10 million

This didn't quite flop,
Despite bad reviews and such.
Do as Oprah says?

WILDCARD - Extraordinary Measures - $9 million

BAD Harrison Ford.
What the hell is wrong with you?
Brendon Fraser? What?!