About that Hobbit rumor...

As you know, I will run just about any rumor regarding Spider-man 4 the minute I hear it. Now, this is usually because it affords me the opportunity to show images of pretty ladies being pretty and because it means I get to discuss Spider-man, which is perhaps the subject on which I am most versed (I'm rubbish at small talk, unless you want to discuss why The Shocker is the best lame Spidey villain). However, when it comes to Lord of the Rings stuff, I usually take a more measured approach. This is not only because I have a lot more people salivating over each nugget of news, but because I am not as schooled on the subject (spoiler alert - I never made it through the books...they're boring and I prefer the movies, which are a-freakin'-mazing). So when Latino Review, who I trust a TON, posted a note suggesting that Tobey Maguire was the choice for Bilbo Baggins in The Hobbit, I gave it a few days to marinate. As all things are on the LR, it was a well-written, well-substantiated article, but something didn't seem right. Maguire is about to dive into another franchise movie, he supposedly has some measure of commitment (or an option) to do more of those Spidey movies, and he frankly doesn't quite look the part. Still, it could work. So I waited. Then THR comes out today and says, nope. Ain't happening. Their source? Tobey Maguire. Now, this wouldn't be the first time (and sure won't be the last) that an actor straight-up LIES about being involved with a project. For reasons I can only assume are similar to my dad insisting we walk away from buying a car at least once, just to prove a point, I guess these guys have to make it SOUND like they're not interested, even if they are. Still, given that it didn't make much sense to begin with, and given that he said no, I'm willing to say this isn't the guy. At the very least, not the guy I would go with. See, here's the part where, if this were a Spider-man rumor, I could discuss at length who I think should play the part. Sadly, I really can't, as the only image coming to my mind is the Bilbo from the cartoon, and that ain't right because there aren't many chipmunk-toothed, curly-headed short dudes in Hollywood.

I don't know, I'd like to see a good actor who needs a franchise and exposure get it. Maybe a Ryan Gosling or a Jeremy Renner? I don't know. I'm just tilting at windmills here people.

Movie Review: Brothers

Justin reviewed my beloved Natalie Portman and a bunch of people who aren't Natalie Portman in Brothers this weekend. I'm not going to make this post all about me, like it usually is. I'm just going to briefly post a picture of Natalie Portman looking hot and then present the review.

Hotness


Reviewness

No Quiet on the Home Front
Brothers takes a stab at bringing the war home
Justin Senkbile

Encountering a movie like director Jim Sheridan's Brothers is a little confusing. Although it entirely depends on today's world, it somehow remains completely forgettable and uninsightful. It's the tale of a family broken by war, specifically the war in Afghanistan; if one were to leave that detail out, the movie would feel like a melodrama straight out of 50s Hollywood, slapping on emotions hastily but in vivid colors, uneven but exciting. That said, Afghanistan is involved, and thus, in light of today's world and today's war, Brothers seems frivolous and almost unfinished.

Marine Captain Sam Cahill (Tobey Maguire), prized son, all-American dad and star soldier, is presumed to have died during a mission in Afghanistan. In their mourning, Sam's wife Grace (Natalie Portman) and black-sheep younger brother Tommy (Jake Gyllenhaal) develop an intense bond. The hours with Grace and her daughters (Taylor Geare and Bailee Madison) serve to free ex-con Tommy from his drunken, failure-laden past. Whereas for Grace, Tommy's presence serves as a slight antidote for the void left by the death of her husband.

Of course, that's when Sam shows up. He hadn't died after all but was imprisoned and tortured by vicious insurgents. After the wartime trauma, Sam returns home paranoid, disoriented and completely disconnected. His sudden fits of rage terrify his daughters, and Grace and Tommy start to get nervous as well when they realize Sam is convinced they're having an affair.

Sam is intensely disturbed and intensely played by Maguire, but it's frustrating to imagine the possibilities this character presented that were ignored in favor of clichés. Sam ends up being too one-dimensional to be taken seriously as any sort of victim. In fact, towards the end, Sam seems less and less like a traumatized man and more like a slasher movie villain. Tommy too has his fair share of corny moments, but Gyllenhaal seems totally at ease with Tommy's casual arrogance mixed with sweetness. Plus, he's in all of the film's sharpest scenes, the ones between Tommy and his ex-marine father Hank (playwright Sam Shepard).

Portman is surprisingly convincing as a mother but never gets room to do much more than sob, despite being the emotional centerpiece of the whole endeavor. Tied inextricably to the roles of mother and wife, Grace appropriately gets only one real scene to reveal herself—with two young kids and a supposedly dead husband, such moments must indeed be hard for her to come by. Unfortunately, the scene is yet another cliché, staged in front of a fireplace with Tommy and some pot.

Brothers is almost like the shell of a movie. It cries, yells and flails around but expresses nothing more than that. The idea seems to be to reiterate the phrase "war is hell" but it ultimately fails because it has nothing new to add and has little of interest to show us. In the end, Brothers is just too uneven and unfocused to leave us with much to ponder.

Grade: C-

There have been worse ideas...I just haven't heard them

Part of the fun of whoring myself out to get even a minuscule modicum of money (click my ads...CLICK MY ADS) has been to see what desperate pleas for purchase Google Adsense feels like placing with my posts. I know, I know, the ads routinely change...but ever since I clicked on the option that told them to modify their capitalistic begging according to my content, I've been shocked to learn that (A) they think people who would actually buy Twilight stuff read my stuff, (B) somehow, without mentioning it, they know I love and would recommend "Community" (if this makes that ad come up again...click on it, you get to find out the context for this: Jeff - Is this a joke? Troy - No, this is. Don't eat the crab dip. Yeah, yeah), and (C) even though I have twice ordered and canceled a subscription to Netflix, they have forgiven me. Anyway, I'm really, really, really curious to see what it is they pair with this nugget of news: Variety is reporting that Tobey Maguire is producing a new country music-themed movie called Love Don't Let Me Down and it's going to star Gwyneth Paltrow, Tim McGraw, and Leighton Meester (seriously, I still don't know what the hell a Leighton Meester is? Is it a drink? Do I drink it? Can it light on fire?). Paltrow (shown below in her deluxe "extra-shiny legs" model) has sung on camera before in Duets (which really should have been the end of that).

The plot involves revolves a singer-songwriter who falls for a struggling country singer (Paltrow) and joins her on a tour with her husband (McGraw) and a beauty queen-turned-singer. Damn, I was hoping McGraw would play against type as the beauty queen-turned-singer. I actually don't mind country music that doesn't have to do with phrases like "You don't mess around, with God's America" (apologies to David Cross on that), but this seems like the type of movie that is just begging for a song from young country strumpets desperate for love. So, let's all take a second to say f**k you for doing this to us, Tobey Maguire, because I'll probably have to see it.

Spider-man vs the studio

According to Variety, Spider-man's fate rests in the pen of this guy:



His name is James Vanderbilt, and I'm going to try to forgive his unfortunate facial hair, his Axe-body-spray hair cut, and the fact that this looks like a date rapist's mug shot. Oy. The bigger concern than my obvious snap judgment about people's appearances, is that Sony has hired the man to write Spider-man 5 and 6, without knowing if they'll have to reboot because Maguire and Dunst are leaving. Look, this ain't Harry Potter, we know the chances are high that this role will be replaced, but knowing whether you're going to be following a literal extension of a storyline from what has been established or kickin' the do-over button is important. Supposedly, the idea that good-ole "Douchey Magee" up there has will span two movies and will involve a simultaneous two-picture shoot. After the vortex of suck formed around the last movie (I know, I reviewed it positively, but thankfully The Reader only keeps an online archive of like 2 weeks or something, so I can start denying it...thank God they have no faith in the sustained viability of the Internet"), a ton is riding on this next endeavor, which Vanderbilt wrote the first draft of...before playwright David Lindsay-Abaire was brought in to rewrite...before Gary Ross was brought in to rewrite that. So, yeah, apparently Vanderbilt's work was so vital they had to bring on two more writers to poke at it (please don't let the villain in this one be male-pattern baldness, the only enemy Vanderbilt TRULY fears). Raimi supposedly did not care for all of Vandy's ideas, which is really reassuring, considering he is the most talented thinker involved on the series. Now, the good news is that Vanderbilt had a hand in Zodiac, which was good if really, really boring, and he also penned The Losers, based on the comic book, and that will likely see the light of day before Spider-man 5 and 6 get rolling, so there's time to fire Captain Pornstache before it's too late, if needs be. Look, I'm just protective, okay, I really love Spidey and the last outing was so bad that I need to believe again. Plus, the Spidey musical is having funding problems, so I may never get that Bono/The Edge Spider-man music that I need to survive (just typing that was hard through my tears). Please, help me Sergeant Soul-Patch, you're my only hope.