Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

If there's a skip in my step and a wiggle in my waggle, it's only because this is probably the last week Twilight: New Moon will be haiku captured. That's right, as of next week, we return to 100% angstwolf/bipolarvamp free coverage...can I get an AMEN? This week also sees the return of Disney's hand-drawn animation and Morgan Freeman as Nelson Mandela. It's about as inspiring a weekend as ever has been seen. Rejoice, movie fans, the time is now for awesome!

Here's how I see it, haiku style:

1.) The Princess and the Frog - $35 million

Ah, my youth RETURNS!
Goofy songs, hand-drawn cartoons...
I am so happy.

2.) Invictus - $18 million

Hey, Morgan Freeman,
be like Nelson Mandela,
in your REAL life, too.

3.) The Blind Side - $15 million

This is a monster.
It may make 200 mil
Suck on that, Twilight.

4.) Twilight: New Moon - $7 million

For now, it leaves us.
But the series is not done.
Oh, it will return.

5.) A Christmas Carol - $6 million

This movie lingers,
like unwanted Christmas guests.
It's time to go home.

WILDCARD - Brothers - $5.5 million

I love Natalie.
She is everywhere right now.
It's still not enough.

That's it gang. Have a good weekend!

Weekend Box Office Results: The reign of terror is finally over

We live in a new world today, my bloggies. If you feel like you're no longer weighed down by an invisible but incredibly obese squirrel perched on your shoulder, that's because Twilight: New Moon is no longer the number one movie in America. How bad is this franchise? I'm excited that a movie in which Sandra Bullock's Southern accent sounds like a grade-school paste eater trying to pronounce "broccoli" with rocks in his mouth is now number one.

Rejoice with me as the ancients did...with haiku:

1.) The Blind Side - $20 million (Accuracy of prediction - 98%)

Some facts are just facts.
This is Sandra Bullock's world.
We just live in it.

2.) Twilight: New Moon - $15 million (Accuracy of prediction - 90%)

Dropping like a rock,
this reign of terror is done.
But, yes, it still hurts.

3.) Brothers - $9.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 67%)

Better than I thought.
Why did I doubt Natalie?
Can you forgive me?

4.) A Christmas Carol - $8 million (Accuracy of prediction - 0%)

I say BAH HUMBUG!
The Muppet take is better.
Michael Caine's Scrooge rules.

5.) Old Dogs - $7 million (Accuracy of prediction - 95%)

We're one week closer
to forgetting this exists.
I can't wait for that.

Overall accuracy of prediction - 70%

If Santa's watching,
yes, this result was naughty.
It wasn't my fault.

Movie Review: Brothers

Justin reviewed my beloved Natalie Portman and a bunch of people who aren't Natalie Portman in Brothers this weekend. I'm not going to make this post all about me, like it usually is. I'm just going to briefly post a picture of Natalie Portman looking hot and then present the review.

Hotness


Reviewness

No Quiet on the Home Front
Brothers takes a stab at bringing the war home
Justin Senkbile

Encountering a movie like director Jim Sheridan's Brothers is a little confusing. Although it entirely depends on today's world, it somehow remains completely forgettable and uninsightful. It's the tale of a family broken by war, specifically the war in Afghanistan; if one were to leave that detail out, the movie would feel like a melodrama straight out of 50s Hollywood, slapping on emotions hastily but in vivid colors, uneven but exciting. That said, Afghanistan is involved, and thus, in light of today's world and today's war, Brothers seems frivolous and almost unfinished.

Marine Captain Sam Cahill (Tobey Maguire), prized son, all-American dad and star soldier, is presumed to have died during a mission in Afghanistan. In their mourning, Sam's wife Grace (Natalie Portman) and black-sheep younger brother Tommy (Jake Gyllenhaal) develop an intense bond. The hours with Grace and her daughters (Taylor Geare and Bailee Madison) serve to free ex-con Tommy from his drunken, failure-laden past. Whereas for Grace, Tommy's presence serves as a slight antidote for the void left by the death of her husband.

Of course, that's when Sam shows up. He hadn't died after all but was imprisoned and tortured by vicious insurgents. After the wartime trauma, Sam returns home paranoid, disoriented and completely disconnected. His sudden fits of rage terrify his daughters, and Grace and Tommy start to get nervous as well when they realize Sam is convinced they're having an affair.

Sam is intensely disturbed and intensely played by Maguire, but it's frustrating to imagine the possibilities this character presented that were ignored in favor of clichés. Sam ends up being too one-dimensional to be taken seriously as any sort of victim. In fact, towards the end, Sam seems less and less like a traumatized man and more like a slasher movie villain. Tommy too has his fair share of corny moments, but Gyllenhaal seems totally at ease with Tommy's casual arrogance mixed with sweetness. Plus, he's in all of the film's sharpest scenes, the ones between Tommy and his ex-marine father Hank (playwright Sam Shepard).

Portman is surprisingly convincing as a mother but never gets room to do much more than sob, despite being the emotional centerpiece of the whole endeavor. Tied inextricably to the roles of mother and wife, Grace appropriately gets only one real scene to reveal herself—with two young kids and a supposedly dead husband, such moments must indeed be hard for her to come by. Unfortunately, the scene is yet another cliché, staged in front of a fireplace with Tommy and some pot.

Brothers is almost like the shell of a movie. It cries, yells and flails around but expresses nothing more than that. The idea seems to be to reiterate the phrase "war is hell" but it ultimately fails because it has nothing new to add and has little of interest to show us. In the end, Brothers is just too uneven and unfocused to leave us with much to ponder.

Grade: C-

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

You know, even though I was busy scampering around the countryside of Decatur, Nebraska last Friday, gathering wood to help heat my father-in-law's house (yep, for real), my heart was wondering what my haikus might have looked like for the week. I pondered whether people were sitting in front of their computers, crying and gnashing their teeth, begging for some glimpse into the future, demanding pithy comments about whether or not Twilight would continue it's domination. That daydreaming ended when I dropped a giant log on my knee. It hurt less than watching Twilight (zing!).

Here are this week's predictions (haiku style, yo):

1.) The Blind Side - $21 million

Sandra's biggest yet!
We all know the real hero:
Mr. Tim McGraw.

2.) Twilight: New Moon - $18 million

Let's face some facts, gang.
Nobody cares what I think,
with money like this.

3.) Armored - $10 million

I will not see this.
But armadillo jokes rule.
Get it? It's "armored."

4.) 2012 - $8 million

The world ends like this.
Not as is seen IN the film,
but because of it.

5.) Old Dogs - $7.5 million

Best. Review. Ever.
Quote: If this was a person,
then I would stab it.

WILDCARD - Brothers - $7 million

Oh, no, Natalie.
I love you so much, but...why?
Why did you do this?

Okay gang, that's it. Enjoy holiday shopping madness and maybe a little sleep mixed in (not for me, but you know, maybe for you).