Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

First off, I'm working on the Iron Man 2 review. It will be around sometime this afternoon. I know, I know, how can you be expected to be productive on a Friday if you're sitting around waiting to hear what I thought about the first summer blockbuster. I think you'll make it through, you're a trooper.

Speaking of blockbusters, the only real intrigue this weekend is whether Iron Man 2 can beat The Dark Knight's opening weekend. It's going to be close. Working in its favor is the fact that it's shorter, which will allow more screenings, and it's on a slightly greater number of screens. Working against it, nobody feels about Mickey Rourke the way they felt about Heath Ledger. Hell, nobody feels about Mickey Rourke the way the feel about a Heath bar, but that's besides the point. Also, no matter how beloved the first Iron Man was, Batman is a bigger property. So, it may be that this sequel only does truly insane money this weekend instead of "oh my God, all reality is crumbling" money.

How much do I think it will do? Let's see, haiku style:

1.) Iron Man 2 - $151 million

He can't beat Batman,
but he shouldn't feel to bad...
Superman couldn't.

2.) Nightmare on Elm Street - $10.5 million

Hey, what do you call
a sequel to a remake?
Answer: I don't care.

3.) How to Train Your Dragon - $8 million

Talk about long legs,
this movie has GIANT gams.
Way to go, Lizards.

4.) Date Night - $6 million

Word (of mouth) is bond.
This exceeded predictions.
...because it's funny.

5.) The Back Up Plan - $3.5 million

This is still playing?
Someone should really fix that.
And destroy the prints.

WILDCARD - Clash of the Titans - $3 million

I will say this much:
I loved "Release the Kraken."
I won't forget it.

Okay, that's it for now. I'll be back with my review later on. Keep on keepin' on this Friday.

Weekend Box Office Results: Stop saying Kick-Ass flopped

First off, no it didn't. A $30 million production based on a comic that has LESS of a following than Watchmen, which only appealed to its core group and nothing more at the box office, isn't a flop if it makes 2/3 of its budget back opening weekend. What we need to be doing right now is talking about how great the film is, not how bad the box office was. Who cares if the stupid flying dragon movie did more money because it's still drawing 3D ticket prices? I don't. I care that a truly unique and fun vision of comic books that isn't cut from the same stinking repetitive cloth is going to get trashed in the media and online because it didn't suck every last dollar from the pockets of America. See it because it's good. Talk about it because it's good. Word of mouth can buoy a film significantly. What do I mean? See the 30% drop for Date Night this week? That's because people told other people that it's actually quite pleasant and funny. It was projected to slip more than that. The mission now shifts to making sure people know to see Kick-Ass because it's worth seeing. Oh, and between DVD and the next few weeks of box office, it still has a shot to almost double it's production budget. That's never a bad thing.

Enough Monday bitching, here's the results haiku style:

1.) How to Train Your Dragon - $20 million (Accuracy of prediction - 75%)

It may be quite cute,
but you'll forget it exists
within the next month.

2.) Kick-Ass - $19.75 million (Accuracy of prediction - 61.5%)

This deserved better.
Tell your friends to see it now.
Please do it for me?

3.) Date Night - $17.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 80%)

Way to go people!
I thought this would sink away,
but it held steady!

4.) Death at a Funeral - $17 million (Accuracy of prediction - 87.5%)

You can't be mad here.
That's a lot of dinero
for a weird remake.

5.) Clash of the Titans - $15.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 92%)

Say bye to Greek Gods.
The true Harryhausen fans
will not miss you much.

Overall accuracy of prediction - 79%

After a good run,
I'm back to mediocre.
Sadly, I'll take it.

Okay, that's it gang. Happy Monday to ya!

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

There's no real news today, and I spent a lot of time writing the review (I know, my life is hard). So, I'm just going to go right ahead and get to what you all wait for every week: haikus.

Here's how I see the box office this week:

1.) Kick-Ass - $31 million

Violent symphony.
Hilarious comedy.
This one is pure joy.

2.) Death at a Funeral - $18.5 million

What things aren't improved,
with the simple addition
of Tracey Morgan?

3.) How to Train Your Dragon - $18 million

Dare I make the pun?
Oh hell, why not. It's Friday.
This film is on fire.

4.) Date Night - $14 million

This deserves better.
It's quite funny and quite sweet.
You should go see it.

5.) Clash of the Titans - $13 million

The mighty shall fall...
after making tons of cash.
A fall, but no fail.

Weekend Box Office Results: A photo-finish!

Rumor has it that these numbers may be slightly tweaked by the day's end in a way that could rejiggle the order. I don't care. This order most benefits me, and I always use the projections. The box office has been on absolute fire this spring, which just goes to show you that the next time you hear a recession is coming, it's the right time to invest in a mediocre movie that appeals to all demographics. Anyway, here's how the weekend went, haiku style:

1.) Date Night - $27.1 million (Accuracy of prediction - 96%)

I love Tina Fey.
And Steve Carell is cool too.
I'm happy for them.

2.) Clash of the Titans - $26.9 million (Accuracy of prediction - 99.5%)

An ungodly drop,
but it was so expected.
A "one and done" flick.

3.) How to Train Your Dragon - $25 million (Accuracy of prediction - 92%)

This is doing well.
Yay "lack of competition."
Release a kid's film!

4.) Tyler Perry's Why Did I Get Married Too? - $11 million (Accuracy of prediction - 91%)

I have some questions,
beyond the title of this.
Like why was this made?

5.) The Last Song - $10 million (Accuracy of prediction - 92.5%)

Were this title true,
and this was Cyrus's last...
I'd be good with that.

Overall accuracy of prediction - 94%

Do you see that score?!!!!
This is easily my best.
I want to retire.

Okay gang, that's it. Happy Monday to ya. Have a good one, make it through, and remember that tomorrow is "Lost."

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

It's Friday (alrighty...sorry, that's for two nerds I'm related two), which is great...that said, I don't remember the last time I felt this strange. Monday was one of the best days of my whole life, as the UNO Forensics team exceeded every goal I ever had (rewarding about 4 years of hard-ass work), but today I'm not going to lie, I feel wretched/weird. Tuesday/Wednesday were an exhausted blur, and then last night I had some kind of allergic reaction (my face looked like I was wearing a sitcom fat suit for a character's flashback or fantasy sequence). Today I feel as though my brain is encased in Jello pudding and I feel like my insides are burning. I've been tired before, but this feels like some strange kind of disease that a supervillain created. Somewhere, I know the evil Dr. Spoonfoot is rubbing his hands together whilst cackling "my plan is working!!!!" Anyway, this has nothing to do with the box office this weekend, but I thought I'd share.

Here are my predictions, haiku style:

1.) Date Night - $29 million

I'm taking a chance,
I'm picking Fey and Carrell
to beat down the gods!!

2.) Clash of the Titans - $27 million

I've heard some strange tales,
of what the film ALMOST was.
They sound way better.

3.) How to Train Your Dragon - $21 million

I said it before,
so I will say it again.
I should make kids films.

4.) Tyler Perry's Why Did I Get Married, Too? - $13 million

Oh, Tyler Perry,
you're just way too prolific
for your averageness.

5.) The Last Song - $8.5 million

Don't get me wrong here,
I like using the word "Last"
with Miley Cyrus.

No wildcard needed this week. I couldn't if I wanted to, the evil Dr. Spoonfoot's virus is spreading fast. Save yourself.

Ryan's Junk Drawer

Wow, is it Thursday already? You'll have to forgive me, as here in Omaha we are buried in what can only be described as a shitload of winter. Oh, that's not meant to be offensive, that's the actual meteorological term for what happens when you get a cumulative 30 inches in about 4 weeks combined with temperatures hovering near absolute zero. It was warmer this morning in Raykevek, Iceland than here in Nebraska. That's hella stupid. Anyway, the usual spiel: My junk drawer is a collection of tiny movie tidbits that don't warrant their own individual post. I have named it such so I can make jokes about people checking out my junk. I have the maturity of a 12 year old, but I'm too cold today to care. Also, see that image above that looks like it came from "Mr. Creepy's Creepy Pictures," it's from "Highlights Magazine...FOR KIDS" (in this case, it sounds like the "for kids" part is a threat). Each week I make up a new thing that is in the image below for fun. This week's item is the tiny handle. Hoping to catch the tiny people who live in his house inside their secret lair, Harry quietly slid open what he believed to be their hideout and was saddened to find only lube. Foiled again by the shrunken-down misfits who live in his house, Harry sulked.

Okay, now on to our weekly dose of tiny news nuggets:

1.) Cue obligatory vengeance jokes - I liked Chan-Wook Park's Oldboy a lot, even if it made me take enough showers in a row to shrivel parts of me into prunes that remain intensely wrinkled. I didn't need an Americanized remake (especially one that had Will Smith in the lead and Steven Spielberg behind him...hehe..."behind him"). I wasn't all "I'm going to take up arms against my oppressor!" but I didn't care for the idea. Well, it was later squashed and replaced by a new rumor. Supposedly, Park's Sympathy For Mr. Vengeance is about to be remade, American style. It's about a deaf-mute who wants a kidney for his dying sister (SPOILER ALERT: He does not get a new one at Costco). Part of what makes Park's films (like Hunger) so effective is that they are difficult to pigeonhole into one genre. Here in the US of A, we don't have that problem. We will turn this into a straight-up creeper revenge film. Casting suggest: Crispin Glover. That would make me interested.

2.) Avatar is coming for us all - Your daily "OHMYGODJAMESCAMERONISTOOPOWERFUL" update: Avatar is now the second highest grossing film of all time in the world. For real. It took 20 days. Un-flippin-real. It still has more than $700 million to go before it catches Titanic, and it likely won't, but wow...just...wow. Less awe-inspiring but more hilarious is this video from a very funny girl who actually got me to laugh loudly several times while watching her video below. Laughing out loud...you know, there should be some kind of shortened version for that.



3.) I am a-Muse-d - Upon hearing news from the UK music mag NME that the rock band Muse would be scoring Clash of the Titans, Devin from Chud described the band the best way I've ever heard. "Imagine Radiohead, but not as good." Yep, that's about it. Devin points out that it is unclear whether the score will be rock-heavy (like Flash Gordon...damn, that is like the third FG reference in a month, we've got to put a moratorium on that one) or more avant garde like the score for There Will Be Blood. Personally, I'm stoked as shit to see the remake of Clash, and I kind of hope that Muse goes for epic butt-rockery, as that's what seems to fit best. I think they got the gig solely on the inexplicably huge success of this song (which does rock...so maybe it's not inexplicable).



4.) Hanna the barbarian - Saoirse Ronan, whose name cannot be pronounced by humans with only one tongue, is currently starring in the underperforming The Lovely Bones and is now angry enough to kick ass. Okay, that may be a misrepresentation, but she is set to star in Hanna, a film about a 14-year old girl who uses crazy-action survival skillz (with a z) to reunite with her father after she's stranded in the wilderness and hunted by intelligence agents. I have no idea how this will work, it sounds weird. The film is directed by Joe Wright, who only makes boring movies. Seriously, the closest he's come to action is the verbal fighting in Pride and Prejudice. By the way, Ronan is an alien. I'm 90% sure now that I've put her name together with pictures of her. See:

Seriously, if she's mid-interview one day and rips her face off, I'm not going to be surprised. Kimmel might, but I won't be.

5.) Trailers parked - This week in movie trailers isn't particularly exciting (go figure). First up is John Travolta looking like a thicker, gayer Telly Savalas in From Paris With Love, which is apparently written by someone who stopped maturing in 1989. I'm all for throwback action, but how did this movie get shot when Travolta showed up on set looking like that? I'd be laughing too hard to keep the camera straight. Here's the trailer.



Also dropping this week was the domestic trailer for Fish Tank, a really well-received Brit flick. It looks a lot like the US film 13, but also looks fairly riveting. It focuses on a young teenager's brutal coming of age. If "Hannah Montana" takes a turn into this territory, I'm down.



That's it gang. I'll be back later to pester you for money for the speech team...