Weekend Box Office Results: So...you like 3D then?

More than Avatar, the success of Alice in Wonderland this weekend just guaranteed that each and every movie will be released in 3D starting immediately. I am not exaggerating when I say that the ludicrous box office success of this terrible, terrible movie will do more to inspire studios to instantly switch all productions to 3D than Avatar's success, because Avatar was a phenomenon while Alice is a turd. The studio KNEW Alice was a turd, which is why they risked pissing off movie theater franchises by shortening the window between theatrical release and DVD release, because they figured people would see it right away, conclude it sucked, tell their friends, and the movie would be dead in a matter of weeks. This may still happen, but the fact that 3D bumped the thing into rarefied air only previously inhabited by sequels and comic book movies means we're going to be getting things like Precious in 3D. I am not kidding.

So let's take a minute to look back on the staggering weekend totals, haiku style:

1.) Alice in Wonderland - $116 million (Accuracy of prediction - 84%)

I hope it's worth it.
This film took down Johnny Depp.
Damn you Tim Burton!

2.) Brooklyn's Finest - $13.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 79%)

How did this happen?
Did YOU see Brooklyn's Finest?
I think this is wrong.

3.) Shutter Island - $13 million (Accuracy of prediction - 86%)

An official hit,
at some point during this week
it tops Marty's list.

4.) Cop Out - $9 million (Accuracy of prediction - 89%)

Not quite a real hit,
at some point during this week,
it tops Kevin's list.

5.) Avatar - $7.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 97%)

With no Oscar buzz,
this is the end of the line.
Bye, bye Avatar

Overall accuracy of prediction - 87%

A solid total.
Yep, I've got the hang of it!
Now to get FAMOUS!

Okay guys, that's it. Have a great Monday!!

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

I predict this week's winner to be Brooklyn's Finest, which will make $10 billion worldwide! Sorry, that was just a cruel joke at the expense of Wesley Snipes, who briefly thought that such success would mean he could pay off the tax man and avoid jail. Sorry, Wes, it's still slammer time for you! On the plus side, when you're in prison, you won't be able to make more movies like Brooklyn's Finest. Oh, and how did they get to use "Run This Town" in the trailers for that movie? That song is WAAAY too good for that movie. People may get tricked into seeing it for that reason and that's not right. Now, as far as the actual biggest movie of the weekend, the one that features Johnny Depp acting crazy and Tim Burton using wacky visuals (or as the two of them like to call it, "the usual"), it's going to make a bazillion dollars but not as many bazillions of dollars as it could have if it was (A) original or (B) not going up against the Oscars on Sunday. But enough logic and analysis, let's get to some ancient Asian poetic style, shall we?

Here's how I see the weekend, haiku style:

1.) Alice in Wonderland - $78 million

Burton is lucky
the 3D craze means his crap
somehow still feels new

2.) Shutter Island - $12 million

It's still on good pace
to become Scorsese's best
at least in dollars.

3.) Brooklyn's Finest - $10.5 million

Jay-Z song aside
I can't tell you anything
this film can offer.

4.) Cop Out - $7 million

Poised to be Smith's best
of course I mean box office.
It's a shiny turd.

5.) Avatar - $7 million

Say bye-bye 3D
which means goodbye Avatar
and thank God for that.

WILDCARD - The Crazies - $6.5 million

This could keep trucking
or it could fall way far off?
I'm not good at this.

Okay guys, that's it for this week!

Weekend Box Office Results: How low can Cop Out go after this?

Kevin Smith is happy. His Cop Out opening was the biggest of his career. It will almost certainly be his highest grossing film and should enjoy a relatively nice shelf life on DVD. Because I think I still like him as a person, that's nice. Because he's just been rewarded for taking the final face doo-doo on his career, it makes me sad. Because numbers also make me sad (words rule! numbers suck!), we may as well dive into the box office numbers at this point.

Here's how things went (haiku style):

1.) Shutter Island - $22 million (Accuracy of prediction - 98%)

A new career best?
This could be big for Marty!
Well, it's about time!

2.) Cop Out - $18.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 90.5%)

Enjoy the win, Kev.
But please use this to move UP.
This is depressing.

3.) The Crazies - $16.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 92%)

Like I said: Sleeper.
I think this does more money.
Could hang for awhile.

4.) Avatar - $14 million (Accuracy of prediction - 90%)

This is my life now.
Making Avatar haikus.
Somebody kill me.

5.) Percy Jackson & The Olympians: The Lightning Thief (Accuracy of prediction - 95%)

Can you steal lightning?
Wouldn't that hurt, like, a lot?
I need to move on.

Overall accuracy of prediction - 93%

Oh my FLIPPIN gosh!
I absolutely killed it!
Here comes a great week!!!!

Okay guys, get out there and make Monday your bitch!

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

Well, another week is about to go in the books. It's been a fast one...but a tough one. Speaking of tough, watching the career devolution of the once beloved Kevin Smith is tougher than watching Cinemax with your parents. It's just embarrassing. I didn't need him to grow entirely out of poop jokes, but I needed him to seize what made him great early on. Turns out, he's just not that good and that makes me blue. What's funny (not his movie) is that Cop Out will likely be his biggest movie ever. Sure, it's going to only make like $40-50 million, but that will be enough to be his most sizable film. Between the fight with Southwest Airlines over getting kicked off for reasons that may or may not have had anything to do with his size and his constant defense of not progressing as a director, I think I'm saddened almost as much by Kevin Smith the person as Kevin Smith the public figure. I like him as a person, he's just settling. That's sad. Anyway, I think The Crazies is going to be more popular than people think, but it will be a grower not a bullet. Oh, and Avatar is going to pass $700 million. Yay for excess and greed. Geez, I gotta get going before I get too grumpy to write haikus.

Here's how I see the weekend, haiku style:

1.) Shutter Island - $21 million

Don't look now, Marty.
You're now a mainstream badass.
It took 3 decades.

2.) Cop Out - $15 million

Bye bye, Kevin Smith.
I'm sure you'll direct again.
I just will not care.

3.) The Crazies - $14 million

This is a sleeper
The critics seem to love it.
Let's see if it hits.

4.) The Avatar - $11 million

Slip on down further
I can't do this anymore.
Please. Please make it stop.

5.) Valentine's Day - $9 million

Did ladies love this?
They have no other choices.
It's not fair for them.

WILDCARD - Percy Jackson & The Olympians: The Lightning Thief - $8.5 million

Is it big enough?
Is a sequel possible?
Who knows...and who cares?

Okay, that's it for this week! Be safe, be well, and see you Monday!