Weekend Box Office Results: Stop seeing the bad movie, please

I know there isn't much else out there and that you feel that you MUST now see every major 3D release (including the soon-to-be-released Kraken), but you can stop seeing Alice in Wonderland any day now. Seriously, it's not good. You don't HAVE to go do that to yourself. You can just not see something that sucks. Nobody will be mad at you. I realize this probably won't matter, as 99% of America has already seen the damn thing, but howsabout we agree not to see it twice. Can we do that? Okay, good.

Here's the weekend results, haiku style:

1.) Alice in Wonderland - $62 million (Accuracy of prediction - 93.5%)

Tim Burton you suck
This success just makes me mad.
But nobody cares.

2.) Green Zone - $14.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 74%)

Iraq War don't sell.
We try to forget it's real.
I think that's just dumb.

3.) She's out of my League - $9.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 71.5%)

A soft opening
But it's kind of expected.
This is not a hit.

4.) Remember Me - $8 million (Accuracy of prediction - 52.5%)

Robert Pattenson
Your fame may just be fading
it's in its...twilight

5.) Shutter Island - $8 million (Accuracy of prediction - 100%)

One Hundred Million!
Just the third time for Marty.
This makes me happy.

Overall accuracy of prediction - 78%

Back down to "C" grade.
I blame Tim Burton for this
Because, well, why not?

Okay, that's it for Monday. Go be productive.

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

This is a special week. Why? Because it is the first Avatar-free week since...OH DAMMIT. Who let Robert Pattinson in here? Oh, and we still have the nut punch that is Alice in Wonderland on the list. You know what? I was all set to be excited for this changing of the guard, this turning over of a happy leaf. But no, Hollywood has to go and ruin it for me. Jerks.

I guess there's nothing left to do but make haikus happen. Here's how I see the suddenly not quite as cool weekend.

1.) Alice in Wonderland - $54 million

When it comes to "holes,"
the rabbit has a big hole
as does Depp's career.

2.) Green Zone - $22 million

Damon is a star,
but the shaky-cam action
still makes people puke.

3.) Remember Me - $14 million

Tell people the end,
just to see their reaction.
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

4.) She's Out of My League - $13 million

Non-Apatow flick
That LOOKS like Apatow flicks.
Will this ruse still work?

5.) Shutter Island - $8 million

This had a great run,
Marty's budgets just increased.
Give him what he wants.

WILDCARD - Our Family Wedding - $8 million

Never heard of it
Seriously, not one time.
I don't think that's good.

Okay guys, that's my predictions for the week!

Weekend Box Office Results: So...you like 3D then?

More than Avatar, the success of Alice in Wonderland this weekend just guaranteed that each and every movie will be released in 3D starting immediately. I am not exaggerating when I say that the ludicrous box office success of this terrible, terrible movie will do more to inspire studios to instantly switch all productions to 3D than Avatar's success, because Avatar was a phenomenon while Alice is a turd. The studio KNEW Alice was a turd, which is why they risked pissing off movie theater franchises by shortening the window between theatrical release and DVD release, because they figured people would see it right away, conclude it sucked, tell their friends, and the movie would be dead in a matter of weeks. This may still happen, but the fact that 3D bumped the thing into rarefied air only previously inhabited by sequels and comic book movies means we're going to be getting things like Precious in 3D. I am not kidding.

So let's take a minute to look back on the staggering weekend totals, haiku style:

1.) Alice in Wonderland - $116 million (Accuracy of prediction - 84%)

I hope it's worth it.
This film took down Johnny Depp.
Damn you Tim Burton!

2.) Brooklyn's Finest - $13.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 79%)

How did this happen?
Did YOU see Brooklyn's Finest?
I think this is wrong.

3.) Shutter Island - $13 million (Accuracy of prediction - 86%)

An official hit,
at some point during this week
it tops Marty's list.

4.) Cop Out - $9 million (Accuracy of prediction - 89%)

Not quite a real hit,
at some point during this week,
it tops Kevin's list.

5.) Avatar - $7.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 97%)

With no Oscar buzz,
this is the end of the line.
Bye, bye Avatar

Overall accuracy of prediction - 87%

A solid total.
Yep, I've got the hang of it!
Now to get FAMOUS!

Okay guys, that's it. Have a great Monday!!

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

I predict this week's winner to be Brooklyn's Finest, which will make $10 billion worldwide! Sorry, that was just a cruel joke at the expense of Wesley Snipes, who briefly thought that such success would mean he could pay off the tax man and avoid jail. Sorry, Wes, it's still slammer time for you! On the plus side, when you're in prison, you won't be able to make more movies like Brooklyn's Finest. Oh, and how did they get to use "Run This Town" in the trailers for that movie? That song is WAAAY too good for that movie. People may get tricked into seeing it for that reason and that's not right. Now, as far as the actual biggest movie of the weekend, the one that features Johnny Depp acting crazy and Tim Burton using wacky visuals (or as the two of them like to call it, "the usual"), it's going to make a bazillion dollars but not as many bazillions of dollars as it could have if it was (A) original or (B) not going up against the Oscars on Sunday. But enough logic and analysis, let's get to some ancient Asian poetic style, shall we?

Here's how I see the weekend, haiku style:

1.) Alice in Wonderland - $78 million

Burton is lucky
the 3D craze means his crap
somehow still feels new

2.) Shutter Island - $12 million

It's still on good pace
to become Scorsese's best
at least in dollars.

3.) Brooklyn's Finest - $10.5 million

Jay-Z song aside
I can't tell you anything
this film can offer.

4.) Cop Out - $7 million

Poised to be Smith's best
of course I mean box office.
It's a shiny turd.

5.) Avatar - $7 million

Say bye-bye 3D
which means goodbye Avatar
and thank God for that.

WILDCARD - The Crazies - $6.5 million

This could keep trucking
or it could fall way far off?
I'm not good at this.

Okay guys, that's it for this week!

Weekend Box Office Results: How low can Cop Out go after this?

Kevin Smith is happy. His Cop Out opening was the biggest of his career. It will almost certainly be his highest grossing film and should enjoy a relatively nice shelf life on DVD. Because I think I still like him as a person, that's nice. Because he's just been rewarded for taking the final face doo-doo on his career, it makes me sad. Because numbers also make me sad (words rule! numbers suck!), we may as well dive into the box office numbers at this point.

Here's how things went (haiku style):

1.) Shutter Island - $22 million (Accuracy of prediction - 98%)

A new career best?
This could be big for Marty!
Well, it's about time!

2.) Cop Out - $18.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 90.5%)

Enjoy the win, Kev.
But please use this to move UP.
This is depressing.

3.) The Crazies - $16.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 92%)

Like I said: Sleeper.
I think this does more money.
Could hang for awhile.

4.) Avatar - $14 million (Accuracy of prediction - 90%)

This is my life now.
Making Avatar haikus.
Somebody kill me.

5.) Percy Jackson & The Olympians: The Lightning Thief (Accuracy of prediction - 95%)

Can you steal lightning?
Wouldn't that hurt, like, a lot?
I need to move on.

Overall accuracy of prediction - 93%

Oh my FLIPPIN gosh!
I absolutely killed it!
Here comes a great week!!!!

Okay guys, get out there and make Monday your bitch!

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

Well, another week is about to go in the books. It's been a fast one...but a tough one. Speaking of tough, watching the career devolution of the once beloved Kevin Smith is tougher than watching Cinemax with your parents. It's just embarrassing. I didn't need him to grow entirely out of poop jokes, but I needed him to seize what made him great early on. Turns out, he's just not that good and that makes me blue. What's funny (not his movie) is that Cop Out will likely be his biggest movie ever. Sure, it's going to only make like $40-50 million, but that will be enough to be his most sizable film. Between the fight with Southwest Airlines over getting kicked off for reasons that may or may not have had anything to do with his size and his constant defense of not progressing as a director, I think I'm saddened almost as much by Kevin Smith the person as Kevin Smith the public figure. I like him as a person, he's just settling. That's sad. Anyway, I think The Crazies is going to be more popular than people think, but it will be a grower not a bullet. Oh, and Avatar is going to pass $700 million. Yay for excess and greed. Geez, I gotta get going before I get too grumpy to write haikus.

Here's how I see the weekend, haiku style:

1.) Shutter Island - $21 million

Don't look now, Marty.
You're now a mainstream badass.
It took 3 decades.

2.) Cop Out - $15 million

Bye bye, Kevin Smith.
I'm sure you'll direct again.
I just will not care.

3.) The Crazies - $14 million

This is a sleeper
The critics seem to love it.
Let's see if it hits.

4.) The Avatar - $11 million

Slip on down further
I can't do this anymore.
Please. Please make it stop.

5.) Valentine's Day - $9 million

Did ladies love this?
They have no other choices.
It's not fair for them.

WILDCARD - Percy Jackson & The Olympians: The Lightning Thief - $8.5 million

Is it big enough?
Is a sequel possible?
Who knows...and who cares?

Okay, that's it for this week! Be safe, be well, and see you Monday!

Movie Review: Shutter Island

Here's Ben's take on Shutter Island. He was the lucky bastard who got to review Scorsese's latest. I'd say more, but I think that's what we paid Ben for.

Shock Treatment
Island life is chilling for DiCaprio
Ben Coffman

Martin Scorsese is a director who can do whatever he likes—a three-hour William Hung biopic? It’s his, if he wants it. In Hollywood, his name is synonymous with quality filmmaking and, nowadays, cold, hard, delicious cash. His newest film Shutter Island is a genre flick, to be sure (its closest analog in Scorsese’s 20-some film canon is likely 1991’s Cape Fear), but it’s a psychological thriller on steroids—creepy, horrifying steroids.

The year is 1954, and Leonardo DiCaprio plays Teddy Daniels, a U.S. marshal assigned to investigate the disappearance of a woman from an Alcatraz-style insane asylum in Boston Harbor. When we first meet Daniels, a rough ferry ride has left him green around the gills. A storm is brewing, but DiCaprio’s grimacing and chain smoking hints at something more than stomach-turning sea sickness. He is a haunted man, still bothered by his memories of World War II, including the liberation of Dachau. Did I mention that his wife also recently died?

With arguably the worst cigarette-smoke-and-dry-heave breath in cinematic history, he meets his new partner, fellow marshal Chuck Aule (Mark Ruffalo). Together, they disembark from the ferry and embark on a nightmarish journey that involves all things creepy: dark and stormy weather, insane asylums with chained murderers, creaky doors, mice, and hallucinations featuring little dead girls.

In Shutter Island, Scorsese cut the genre’s fat, leaving only the best aspects of the psychological thriller—gripping tension, a moody tone and chilling discoveries. The film touches a lot of bases, starting out as a mystery with some supernatural and even horror overtones before it evolves fully into a nuanced thriller. To get there, Scorsese explores new territory, creating eerie, dreamlike sequences reminiscent of David Lynch or Tarsem Singh’s The Cell.

Despite a shift in genre, Scorsese’s use of DiCaprio in the lead role, the pair’s fourth collaboration in the past 8 years, isn’t surprising. Although at first blush, the baby-faced actor doesn’t look the role of a grizzled war veteran and federal agent, with the help of stooped shoulders and the ability to seemingly break into a cold sweat on cue, DiCaprio fully owns his character.

Screenwriter Laeta Kalogridis’s adaptation of Dennis Lehane’s novel includes all of the necessary twists, but it is Scorsese’s surreal, trippy vision of his lead character’s psychological hell that gives the film its nightmarish qualities. In a month in which theaters are traditionally dominated by last year's Oscar nominees and this year's soon-to-be-forgotten flicks, Shutter Island is a pleasant surprise.

Grade: A-

Weekend Box Office Wrap Up: Don't F**k with Marty Scorsese

You can move his movie around on the schedule. You can mock him for pairing up AGAIN with Leondardo DiCaprio, his floppy-haired, 12-year-old-boy looking muse. You can wonder why the hell he's doing a run-of-the-mill thriller and not something more Oscar-worthy. But you cannot stop Martin Scorsese from dominating the box office, overpowering critics, and generally kicking mucho ass. His eyebrows alone give him the power to dismiss naysayers. He is a cinematic ninja, and he just KI-YAed the box office. All hail Scorsese. All hail him NOW.

Here's how the weekend went, haiku style:

1.) Shutter Island - $40 million (Accuracy of prediction - 94%)

His mojo is strong.
His eyebrows are stronger still.
Scorsese is GOD.

2.) Valentine's Day - $17 million (Accuracy of prediction - 79.5%)

What a HUGE drop off!
Nearly 70%!
Justice is now served.

3.) Avatar - $16 million (Accuracy of prediction - 90%)

How is this at 3?
It should be going down now!
Go the OTHER way!!!

4.) Percy Jackson & The Olympians: The Lightning Thief - $15 million (Accuracy of prediction - 83.5%)

It's a tweener flick.
Not a home run or a flop.
Will sequels happen?

5.) The Wolfman - $10 million (Accuracy of prediction - 90%)

Avatar won't leave
But this barely stays a week.
There is no justice.

Overall accuracy of prediction - 84%

Another "B" week.
Is that good enough for me?
Is it good for you?

Alright, that's it. Go be productive on this Monday.

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

With only one major release, this week shouldn't be too much of a challenge. Then again, everything seems extra difficult this week for no good reason. It's weird that Martin Scorsese has changed from respected artistic director to major box office draw. The Departed sort of killed it at the box office, and although this only features Leo and not Matt Damon as well, it also looks more like a blockbuster. I only want good things for Marty, so I hope he enjoys this week. On the other hand, after reading tons of interviews this week with James Cameron, who is somehow looking and sounding douchier than ever, I hope I only have to write about Avatar for another 2 weeks (until Alice in Wonderland knocks it out). I'm going to try to get douche in the haiku this week. Just FYI.

Here's how I see the box office, haiku style:

1.) Shutter Island - $35 million

I heart you, Marty!
Enjoy another triumph.
Make more movies soon.

2.) Valentine's Day - $24 million

This should get one day
and then be forcibly pulled.
The title says so.

3.) Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief - $17 million

There may be sequels
but Harry Potter this ain't.
Not that I'm surprised.

4.) Avatar - $16 million

Enough is enough.
This movie has to go now.
Cameron is a douche.

5.) The Wolfman - $12 million

Oh, the film has hair,
But in terms of box office,
it doesn't have legs.

WILDCARD - Dear John - $7.5 million

By now I would guess
everyone who wanted to
already saw this.

Okay, that's it gang. Have a wonderful, safe weekend.