Weekend Box Office Results: Beautiful Basterds

I nearly forgot that today necessitates haikus and recappage (which is like re-cabbage, which tastes just awful). It was a good weekend for the Weinstein company, who get to keep making crappy movies thanks to one good one. They hadn't had a movie that grossed more than $35 million total or opened number 1 in more than a year. They achieved both of those in one weekend thanks to Brad Pitt's desire for Nazi flesh. Let's take a peek at how things went.

Here are the results, haiku style:

1.) Inglourious Basterds - $37.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 84%)

Overachieving.
Not Tarantino's forte.
Good job you bastard.

2.) District 9 - $19 million (Accuracy of prediction - 100%)

100 million
is all but guaranteed now.
An Oscar nod next?

3.) GI Joe: Rise of Cobra - $12.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 92%)

Big worldwide grosses
means we're in for more of Joe.
I demand Shipwreck.

4.) The Time Traveler's Wife - $10 million (Accuracy of prediction - 100%)

It's not quite a flop
but not quite a hit either.
Mmm, mediocre.

5.) (WILDCARD) Julie and Julia - $9 million (Accuracy of prediction - 94%)

Four weeks is too long
My material ran out.
Time for new movies.

Overall accuracy of predictions - 94%

An all-time record!
How do you like them apples.
God bless the Wild Card!

That's it. Happy Monday movie lovers.

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

Smart money this week is on some serious Nazi killin', but there's also some stiff competition from shrimp-lookin' aliens. How great is it that we live in a world where that's our choices! Good stuff out in theaters right now people, which means that you should be out there livin' it up. Otherwise, you may end up finding yourself in September, looking around at all the total dogshithaircut movies that are out there and wondering why you waited to get to the theater. Don't be a sucka, go see some block-bustas.

Here's how I see it (haiku style), as per usual:

1.) Inglorious Basterds - $25 million

Hey, Tarantino!
That's not how you spell Bastards.
But who really cares.

2.) District 9 - $19 million

A runaway hit!
A sequel now seems likely.
This makes me happy.

3.) GI Joe: Rise of Cobra - $10.5 million

It would have been cool
if they kept the gay sailor
given the title.

4.) The Time Traveler's Wife - $10 million

This does just OK
and gets a TV spinoff?
That does not make sense.

5.) Shorts - $9.5 million

Rodriguez loves kids
almost as much as violence.
Do not combine those.

WILDCARD - Julie and Julia - $8 million

This just keeps cookin'.
Get it? It's about baking!
Sometimes I'm stupid.

Okay, that's the new content for the week gang. Happy Friday to ya!

Weekend Box Office Results: Cobra rises, thrusts itself into top spot

Seriously, I promise to you here and now that I will make some veiled penile reference virtually every time I mention GI Joe: Rise of Cobra. If you are above such things...I honestly can't believe you're still reading this blog.

Oh, not directly related to the below, but I want to know what I can do to make commenting easier for you guys. I can't tell if nobody is commenting because, you know nobody's reading or wants to comment, or if there's some sort of functional problem with the way things are set up. If the issue is the latter, please hook me up with an email at film@thereader.com, and I'll see what I can do. I just can't imagine a world where other people don't ALSO want to make wang jokes about the GI Joe movie title or make some kind of inappropriate comment about Rachel Nichols. Hell, I'm not getting any spam even...that has to mean something.

Here are the results (haiku style, bitches):

1.) GI Joe: Rise of the Cobra - $56 million (Accuracy of prediction - 99%)

This rose to the task.
It erected a huge win.
I told you I would.

2.) Julie and Julia - $20 million (Accuracy of prediction - 97%)

You can't stop Meryl.
You can try to contain her.
But she won't like that.

3.) G-Force - $10 million (Accuracy of prediction - 80%)

When will these pigs leave?
I can't take much more of this.
No more rodents please.

4.) Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince - $9 million (Accuracy of prediction - 91.5%)

Harry can't catch robots.
Transformers 2 wins the year.
I will now throw up.

5.) Funny People - $8 million (Accuracy of prediction - 61.5%)

Wow, this is not good.
America's votes are in.
And Paul Blart beat this.

Overall accuracy of prediction - 86%

Another good week,
for my predictions I mean.
The movies just sucked.

Okay, that's it gang. Go forth and be productive on this Monday!

Movie Review 2: GI Joe: Rise of Cobra

I want it on record that I'm going to giggle every single time I hear "Rise of Cobra." I mean, seriously, who failed on that one? That's ALMOST as big of an epic fail as this:



Anyhoodle, this isn't about me and my bizarre trouser snake obsession, this is about GI Joe, which is apparently not bad, just mediocre. What's sad is, in comparison to the bilge water we've been forced to waterboard these past 4 months (cough Transformers 2, Terminator Salvation, Wolverine Origins), is actually a remarkable accomplishment. Without further ado, Justin's review for GI Joe: Birth of the erection.

Militaristic Mayhem
G.I. Joe delivers action without the bad aftertaste
Justin Senkbile

Heroics, violence, betrayal, romance, girls... that's all that counts in an action movie, and Stephen Sommers' G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra has plenty of it—enough to appease all the boys and man-boys, at least. That said, it isn’t for grown-ups, as there's little of interest for those of us who have long ago lost our ability to get off on explosions (sorry, Michael Bay).

It takes some focus to sort out what's actually happening amid the jets and one-liners during the first half-hour, but here's what was decipherable: Soldiers Duke (Channing Tatum) and Ripcord (Marlon Wayans) are assigned to transport some warheads, which end up being intercepted by the former's ex, Ana (Sienna Miller), who seems to be a bad guy. In the nick of time, the two soldiers are rescued and recruited by members of G.I. Joe, an elite, covert Army operation. After tons of back-story, gadgets and scenery chewing (courtesy of Dennis Quaid as General Hawk), we get into the story proper, a globe-hopping, almost Bond-esque action-thriller.

For such a gut-busting "man movie" (or, more accurately, "boy movie"), it's nice to find a virtual lack of sexist silliness. For the critically minded movie-goer, it's a much better choice than something like Land of the Lost. Although the filmmakers may deserve the benefit of the doubt for this decision, which can be chalked up to well-intentioned writing, it's also possible that there simply wasn't time for any of that stuff. The movie runs for about 118 minutes, and only a couple of those are relatively quiet. Everything else is pursuing some suspenseful narrative shard or piling on layers of audio/visual excitement.

Predictably, the performances are a little wooden and forced, the main offender being Tatum. The only saviors in the acting department are Wayans and his abundant charisma (you read that right, it was a compliment for a Wayans brother), and Quaid's hilariously absurd John Wayne impression. But, of course, that's beside the point. If Star Wars was beloved despite the God-awful Mark Hamill, chances are the little guys will respond just fine to a more contemporary demonstration of stiffness.

Eight-year olds and those able to channel their inner eight-year olds will be in love: it is dumb, exciting and a little exhausting. It’s in line with the action genre status-quo, but still the lesser evil compared to some other big screen options. Still, maybe you’d best just drop the kids off—there’s still no reason you need to sit through this thing.

Grade: C

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

Pretty obvious that GI: Joe is going to win the week, despite not being screened for the press. I didn't really report on it, but good lord the insanity that followed Paramount's decision to show the film to SOME online critics but not others resulted in a war of tweets and blogs that can only be described as "marginally entertaining." It turns out that some of those guys still harbor sad feelings from the time they were picked last in kickball. Also opening this weekend (and sure to get some lady money) is Julie and Julia, which once more shows that Meryl Streep is more important than all of us. Some other crappy movie about people getting killed on vacation opens (with Milla Jovovich, who I still find creepy/hot...as in, she's gorgeous but will totally stab me). How do I perceive this all turning out?

It's haiku time:

1.) GI Joe: Rise of the Cobra - $55 million

This one might be fun.
But the subtitle sounds gross.
Maybe that's just me.

2.) Julie and Julia - $21 million

Hot Amy Adams
paired with the sweet Meryl Streep.
Great tastes that taste great.

3.) Funny People - $11 million

Who is laughing now?
People wanted Judd to fail.
But I was not one.

4.) Harry Potter 6 - $10.5 million

That's enough, Harry.
I have nothing left to say.
My wand jokes are done.

5.) G-Force - $10 million

Good bye, guinea pigs.
I will not miss you at all.
I prefer a dog.

WILDCARD - A Perfect Getaway - $9 million

This looks like pure crap,
if you don't count Jovovich.
I used to love her.

Okay gang, you have a good weekend. If you're in the state of Nebraska, avoiding going outside if you prefer not to be on fire. See you Monday!

Like ill-prepared Mexican food...WE'RE BACK!

In what I can only assume is the opening salvo in the impending and inevitable war in which the machines kill each and every one of us, The Reader's server went all Hal on us for a few days there and turned this blog into something that was updated as infrequently as Mischa Barton's IMDB page. I wasn't at the office for the resolution, which I assume ended in a standoff with the server on one side of the room and a brave soul holding a blowtorch next to an iPod declaring "Turn it back on or I'll do it, you metal son of a bitch, I'LL DO IT!" Point is, we are back and more Australian than ever. This is what counts as an apology for my absence, I'd send flowers but I'm not a wuss.

As luck, fate, and divine intervention would have it, Thursday is the day that I peek inside my "junk drawer," which is a clever construct in which I hit a bunch of news blurbs of interest all at once. Let's recap all of the fun news that you would have gotten sooner if the R2D2-lookin' compu-asshole hadn't decided to wonk out.

• Some chick from Twilight I've never heard of is not going to continue being in Twilight and is somehow acting as though she wasn't just spared from a firing squad. Her name is Rachel Lefevre (her last name is French for "Favre"), and she looks like this (thanks to Slashfilm.com for the image):
I could walk past her in a grocery store without noticing. Anyhoodle, she was replaced by Bryce Dallas Howard, a much hotter and more well-known actress (and fruit of Opie's loins), in a move summed up by someone on Twitter (I forget who, it was DAYS ago now) who noted that between Spiderman 3, Terminator 4, and Twilight 3, Howard has really earned her high-school reputation of "girl with worst taste in sequels." What makes this story "interesting" (those were sarcasm quotes) is that the lovely redhead above wasn't so much told by Summit that she was being dumped. This is not the first dick move from the studio, who dumped Catherine Hardwicke after her first directorial effort, as though it were her fault that the Twilight series has all the intellectual integrity of a shitty episode of "Dora the Explorer." Every time you think that this franchise can't sink lower, it manages to abase itself further. Next up: Jennifer Love Hewitt is honestly actively seeking a part. I say do it.

• Everyone is peeing their pants over this new Coen Brothers trailer. That includes ol' soggy-pants Ryan
  
• You can't see the Iron Man 2 footage they showed at the San Diego Comic Convention, but you can see a re-enactment that is hilarious.
  
• Not totally geeked for the geek-out-geekfest that is the new Tron movie? Here's the theme for it performed by Daft Punk, who is scoring the film and touring in support of it. Suck some techno, fools.
  
  Tron Legacy Theme by tuxboard
  
  
• Universal is doing The Lorax as a 3D animated feature. It has subtle themes of environmentalism, if you think Kathy Griffen is subtle. I am actually really looking forward to this. They should totally get Al Gore to do the voice.
• Devin at Chud.com like GI: Joe. I have now slid this movie up a notch on my anticipation scale from "Hey what smells so bad? Oh, God, it's what I'm eating!" to "I'm not sure if this hurts or feels good."

That's it for now. I guarantee there was more I missed, but blame the evil machines for me missing it. It feels so good to be back.

Max Steel news makes Gobots feel optimistic

Let's be honest, we all know that GI Joe: Rise of Cobra is going to suck, right? There's no scenario under which we walk out this August from an air-conditioned theater jam-packed with grown men in underoos and oddly formed girls who long ago figured out that they could be queens with the right choice in backpack and say "Wow, now that was good." The best we can hope for is that it sucks in a way that is still fun (this is a family blog, so I'll leave that obvious entendre alone). I know that Paramount has found success without merit in the Transformers franchise, but I'm guessing that these other boy toys are going to go the way of the Bratz movie and not the way of Michael Bay's giant robot-nuts-swinging opus. So, somebody tell me why Variety is reporting that the studio that shouldn't is pairing up with Mattel again for Max Steel, a forgotten toy whose very name evokes pornography. This lame-ass semi-superhero is described as a "19-year-old extreme sports junkie," a descriptor that should, in and of itself, merit the systematic and categorical destruction of each and every small likeness of his. Also, he's full of nanobots (which give him strength, unlike nanabots, which make you feel bad about your choice in wife and want to know why you don't call more often). Somehow, according to the press release, he's pretty tepidly received stateside but is huge in Latin America, where he is the number one action figure. Mattel has figured out that they can cash in on past success without having to actually make new or good toys and is aggressively pushing for Max along with a new He Man movie (I say new, because God help the fool who forgets the beauty of the Dolph Lundgren/Courtney Cox classic Masters of the Universe, which I'm pretty sure made me infertile), a Hot Wheels movie with Joel Silver producing (he did so well with Speed Racer), and (my favorite) a View Master movie (yes, the toy that basically acted as a manual, crappy, 3D powerpoint precursor). The whole toys-to-films craze should die off soon, but if it doesn't, I'm really crossing my fingers for a live-action, R-rated Popples movie.