Fearless, Flawless Predictions

As you likely guessed by this post, I ain't bloggin' tomorrow. Sorry. You'll be hung over anyway. So will I. I want you to enjoy yourself out there. Eat some food. See a movie. Drink a beer. Eat a beer movie. Live it up.

Here are the last predictions of aught nine (haiku style):

1.) Avatar - $58 million

I guess we were wrong.
This is a big, fat ole hit.
It's budget was fine.

2.) Sherlock Holmes - $44 million

Elementary
Downey Jr is a God.
Johnny Depp, suck it.

3.) Alvin and the Chipmunks The Squekquel - $30 million

The Chipmunks won't leave
They're little high-pitched assholes.
Does that sound bitter?

4.) It's Complicated - $17 million

Old people love this
They remember Steve Martin.
Meryl Streep does rule.

5.) The Blind Side - $9 million

200 million?
For a Bullock football film?
Where is the punchline?

WILDCARD - Up in the Air - $9 million

Oscars are coming
Best believe this has a chance
It's Clooney-rific!

That's it gang! Happy, happy, happy New Year. Click on my ads. That's the last desperate plea for cash I'll make this year!

Ryan's Junk Drawer

Hey, it's the last time you're going to see my junk this year! You've gotten quite familiar with my junk over the past 52 weeks, but for those who aren't students of my junk, here's the obligatory disclaimer (I'm not talking about my actual naughty parts, I'm talking about little news nuggets that don't work as whole posts unto themselves. Basically, they're like Kazakhstan, when it's a part of the Soviet Union, we collectively fear it...but by itself, we forget it exists. Also, another tradition that will survive into the new year, we take a peek inside the creepy image from Highlights for Kids magazine and make up something about it from my imagination. This week's item is once more the white glow. Actually, it's the Christmas spirit! Thomas was sad that the holidays were over, so he tricked the spirit of Christmas with a ransom note signed with elf blood. After saying "Boy, this drawer sure does have the holiday gloomies," the spirit was tricked inside, and Thomas slammed the door with a terrible cackle. Merry Christmas indeed.

Here are the glimpses of my junk until 2010.

1.) My Moon, my MAD - The Interwebs are abuzz with news that Sony Pictures Classic, who had the nads to buy Moon in the first pace, have gone full retard and decided not to send out screeners and promote Moon for awards. This is like being invited to a BCS bowl game and deciding not to play because you've already spent so much on the regular college football season. Sam Rockwell deserves a nomination, as does director Duncan Jones. Neither will get one unless we do it for them. So, go everywhere on the Internet you can and promote the film. Sign the ongoing petition, try to tweet about it often, and really get people talking about this great film that deserves more attention and credit. Also, I made it through this whole post about wanting more people to talk about Moon without making a butt joke. That shows how serious I am.

2.) Ghostbusters is happening before the Mayan apocalypse - If you can take Harold Ramis seriously after the last decade, you'll be excited. He SWEARS that Ghostbusters 3 is happening in 2011. As in, that's when we see it, not when it starts shooting. I would be excited, but if the jackholes who did Year One are still involved in writing it, it's going to suck. Sorry. That movie was so GD bad that there's no way the writers can redeem themselves. You know how they keep pedophiles away from children by having rules about how close they can get to schools, those two asshats need to have some kind of congressional mandate regarding their proximity to writing implements. Anyway, if someone with a brainwave can rewrite any of it, then I'm excited. Until then...meh.

3.) WW2 monsters not named Hitler - So Variety is reporting that they're making a movie about creepy monsters that come out of the mist on a military base during WW2. It's called Night and Fog but it shouldn't be. It should be called something cool like Blitzkreatures or The Greatest Generation...of Mutants or Double-ya Double-ya Too Many Monsters. Or not. It's a slow news week, so small news nuggets get even smaller. You practically need to be a shrunken Rick Moranis to see this one. Here's a picture to break up the visual boringness.

4.) Boldly knighted - Seriously, these news nuggets are now officially crumbs. Patrick Stewart got knighted. Does anyone care? I mean, besides Patrick Stewart and a bunch of dorks from the 90s? I'm a dork, so I get to say that. It's sort of like how you can make fun of your mom but nobody else can. Now here's a picture of a hamster eating SIR Patrick Stewart's head that I found on this blog.

5.) Trailers parked - Not a huge time for trailers either, but dammit I done found some for you.

First up is the new Inception trailer. Me likey. Me likey a lot. I have no clue why this isn't at the top of everybody's must-see for 2010 list. Nothing else like it out there. That shot of the city folding up? Mmmmmmm.



Next up is far more disappointing. Cop Out, which used to be A Couple of Dicks, looks stupid. Man, that's a bummer. I love Kevin Smith and I was hoping that him directing someone else's script would help him out. It doesn't look that way. I'm holding out a sliver of hope only for two reasons (1) the laugh that Willis gives during the police brutality threat and (2) the ending of the thing was funny. That's it though.


Okay, that's the best we have for this week. I tried really hard. I hope to be better next year.

Things You Should (and did) Buy Me (Volume 14)

Brace thyselves...we have an update. In what can only be described as the most shocking development since someone thought Paula Abdul should communicate with live humans, I received not one...not two...but FOUR (was there a number that was supposed to go between those?) geek-related products that were mentioned on this here blog. My wife got me this:

(and even though I never mentioned it on the blog, she also got me this:)


and she also got me this:



and this:


and my sister and brother-in-law got me this:

So, even though NOBODY has sent me anything as free swag to promote anything despite my repeated and extreme desires to totally whore myself out for incredibly small items, I at least cannot claim to be shut out any longer. Huzzah. Now, on to more stuff that people should send me or buy me. I prefer the former but will accept the latter (preferably more from people who I do not share a bank account with).

Here are the three items this greedy Gus wants now:

1.) How can anything this charming make nerds sad? - When it was announced that Disney would gobble up Marvel like the fat squirrel in my backyard gobbles the corn we leave for him (his name is Tom Selleck and I'm 99% sure he eats other squirrels), nerds cried out like they had been bad touched. I get it, I do...I just never was all that worried about it. Now I have an artist's rendering of why. I got this from Slashfilm.com who got it from the artist who is selling prints for just $14.99 each.

How could anything that adorable possibly cause us harm?

2.) I have sensitive wrists - I love me some coffee (drinking some now). Not in that whole "it's a part of my identity to discuss how much I love coffee" way, but in the way that I drink it to stay alive. I would put more sugar and whatnot into it, but who among us doesn't LOATHE the sensation of having to move our wrists back and forth. And the mess that comes from sloshing?! THERE HAS TO BE A BETTER WAY!

That's a self-stirring mug from Thinkgeek.com. Ya-Boo (again, that's Boo-Ya backwards...I'm going to will that to catch on).

3.) I shouldn't have to explain this - Just so we're clear, I shouldn't have to explain why everyone would want a T-Shirt that reimagines the British coming on Paul Revere's watch as a giant invading robot army.

That's at Threadless (obv). For the record, if the Brits had used giant robots, we'd all be speaking British right now. Think about it.

Sam Worthington must be stopped

Here's the truth, I could give two sparrow farts about Flash Gordon. Other than rocking out like all decent humans to the bitchin' theme song (included below for fun), I have no vested interest in the subject matter.



The closest I have come to caring about the material was that once I accidentally put that it was Dolph Lundgren in the 1980s remake when it was really some dude I'd never heard of before or after and an astute reader caught me doing it. That was the single time I considered Mr. Gordon for more than a moment. We've known for awhile now that they were making a new version of the totally stupid story involving a quarterback who goes into space and fights a largely obviously racist stereotype of Asians named "Ming the Merciless," but now Cinematical has pointed me to Hollyscoop (which is likely making shit up). The latter site says that Sam "I'm in everything despite being largely talentless" Worthington is in talks to Flash it up. On the one hand, who gives a crap what is done to Flash Gordon. On the other...we are inching slowly closer to a world in which every movie features Sam Worthington and his thinly veiled Australian accent. This must end. I am about ready to proclaim a Coalition Opposing Worthington (COW). Fear the coming of COW, Mr. Worthington. Fear it.

Why not start shooting on July 4?

You know things have reached an epic slowdown regarding movie rumors and news when I'm posting information regarding a movie's initial production start date. Woo hoo, let's hear it for the wit and whimsy that surrounds scheduling! In an interview with Fangoria, Joe Johnston talked a bit about Captain America. Let me be the first to say how scared I am that it's Joe Johnston working on the World War II-centric The First Avenger: Captain America movie. How scared am I? I'm more scared of that than the title The First Avenger: Captain America. People who make titles are stupid. Johnston was discussing Wolfman, which somehow won me over with its hairy goodness and I now want to see it, and he revealed that Cap will shoot in June. Why is this cool? Well first and foremost it means Marvel's plan to dump not one but two major projects on our faces in 2011 is well on it's way (Thor hits us in the nuts with a hammer before Cap throws his shield in our sternum). Second, it means that we are inching ever closer to finally nailing down who will play Cap. My vote remains for John "He looks like a cartoon pilot" Hamm (shown here):

If Marvel is willing to cast someone who is old enough to feed himself and DOESN'T want Hamm (though I don't know why), I will accept Aaron Eckhart.

Sadly, Marvel will inevitably want to skew younger, so I will also accept the following:

Ryan Gosling

All this is based on "talent" and "acting," so we'll likely see some dude from "Gossip Girl" or freakin' "Friday Night Lights," which I could care less about no matter how good you say it is rest-of-the-world. Give us an actor with chops to play the Godfather of Marvel superheroes. That's all I ask. And now we know that the announcement should be developing in the next two months or so.

Weekend Box Office Results: Time for us to eat blue crow?

Two things: (1) Sorry about not posting predictions this weekend. I was really going to. I was also going to post my Avatar review, which I'm still working on. Lo siento on both fronts. If you click on more ads and pay me more, I promise to do better (or at least make some kind of passable effort). (2) Wow were we wrong about Avatar. When are we collectively going to learn that Jim Cameron's sick Faustian deal includes being able to spend whatever disgusting sum of money he wants (like, say, $500 million) and still make money. This should not be possible, but it is. How do I know? Because yesterday Avatar crossed $600 million worldwide box office. Yeah, it's ALREADY profitable. All that wailing and gnashing of teeth about how much it cost disappeared. Also, consider how impressive this accomplishment truly is: This is an original movie, not a sequel and not based on pre-existing material, with no major stars in it and only the director as a recognizable name. And somehow it is STILL on pace for something like a billion dollars worldwide. James Cameron has made us all his blue-skinned bitches...again. So without any accuracy to go into, here are the results in haiku style!

1.) Avatar - $75 million

Holy giant Smurfs!
I can't believe this total!
Do not doubt "the king."

2.) Sherlock Holmes - $65 million

Downey Jr rules.
His comeback is now complete.
Redemption is rad.

3.) Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel - $50 million

Look, I'm just saying
the less I type that title
the better I feel.

4.) It's Complicated - $22 million

What a big weekend?!
It's no Avatar, but still...
it's old people crack!

5.) Up in the Air - $12 million

Can't wait to see this...
I love me some Farmiga
Okay...and Clooney.

Overall Weekend - +$250 million

A record weekend,
despite it being Christmas.
No one likes small talk.

Okay guys, this was obviously a slow weekend so that's all the news right now. I'll be back tomorrow to sass you up further!

Honestly, I won't be listening

As Brendon at Slashfilm eloquently and intelligently notes, Clint Mansell's "Lux Aeterna" is "one of the most beloved, discussed and arguably overplayed pieces of film music in the medium’s entire history." I mean, I could give a shit because I love it so much, but he's totally right. I love it so much I'm going to post it right here just so I can listen to it again.



In fact, read everything that I write here on this blog with this soundtrack playing. Yeah, it will make my jokes a lot less funny but (A) you weren't going to laugh anyway and (B) I'll give up a little laughter in order to feel bad-ass, which is what this song makes everything feel like. To get to the point, Mansell scores director Darren Aronofsky's stuff, it's what he does. So he's going to score Black Swan, which is (wait for it) the movie in which Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis have angry sex. Yep, photo time:

Okay, back to the actual story at hand. Mansell is going to base his score for Black Swan (potentially) on "Swan Lake." That's all kinds of awesome. He's going to jack with the structure and whatnot, but that's his plan. How cool would that be? The Slashfilm story goes on to talk about how Mansell's score for Moon was rad (which it was) and how he and Duncan Jones (the director of Moon) want to hook up again (for movies, not relations...although maybe that too, who's to say and I'm not judging) but may not be able to. I hope they do because I like them both very much, but until then, I'll have to console myself by thinking about Kunis on Portman action set to a funky "Swan Lake." Weird...but hot.

Year in Review

Ahoy blog mateys! Should that be maties or is mateys okay? Is this like a monkey thing and not a monkie thing? I don't want to start my return to bloggery with a grammar gaffe. I'm going with mateys, final decision (which unlike a Final Destination does not result in anyone dying due to some grisly chandelier accident). I hope your Christmases were filled with cheer and presents (but mostly presents...side note: does anyone realize that, given modern context, "may all your Christmases be white" sounds really, really racist). I got a lot of good, good stuff, stuff that I will share with you in this week's "Things You Should Buy Me" installment on Wednesday (spoiler alert: people bought me things).

There's only one way to kick off this return from break-ation...okay, two ways. First, this:

Don't you feel better already? Next, we add in a dash of "Year in Review." This is not the top 10 of 2009, which will arrive once I've seen all of 2009's releases (again, Omaha is on the cinematic equivalent of a 5-second delay...only instead of 5-seconds later, we get movies about a month later in some instances). No, this is a look back at the events and trends that populated the last year. I really don't need to introduce it further, so take a peek!


‘09 Like Fine Wine
This year shall be fondly remembered

Like cheese, wine and the ex you shouldn’t have dumped, 2009 will age far better than you or I will. In fact, Roger Ebert has gone so far as to claim on his twitter feed that “2009 is one of those magic movie years like 1939 or 1976.” Now, if Roger Clinton had said that, maybe I don’t take it seriously…but that was Roger Ebert, the godfather of modern movie criticism, talking. How could he have known that even in our own little neck of the woods, 2009 “brought it,” to use the parlance of a fallen pop-icon turned reality singing competition judge? Indeed, Film Streams at the Ruth Sokolof Theater once more delivered the cultural noise and socially significant funk, and the Midtown Crossing Theater finally united dinner and movies together into one experience after a century of date night segregation. From the local to the national, if this year had done any better, we’d have to find a way to publicly tear it down.

Without further ado, let’s dive deeper into the last of the “naughty aughties.”

Box Office Roundup: Michael Bay reminds me I’m irrelevant

Posting the biggest cumulative dollar amount in box office history, 2009 was nowhere near as good as its final tally, which should top out somewhere around $10 billion. Oh, Hollywood will take the results in a year in which the term recession appeared on television only slightly less than ads for erectile dysfunction pills—priories are still priorities, I guess. Still, the actual number of tickets sold will be the second lowest this decade, indicating that the real winner here is inflation…well, inflation and stereotype-spewing robots. The top film, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, may have grossed more than $100 million less than last year’s champ, The Dark Knight, but it was also terrible and racist…I forget where I was going with that. Beyond the bigoted box office behemoth, the number of $100 million movies should be about identical to last year (29 apiece), and the overall cinematic take was bolstered by contributions from IMAX and 3D theaters, which charge a pretty penny for added size and dimension…must…resist…Cialis…joke.

Last year’s predictions: I didn’t lie to you that bad

When asked to prognosticate for 2009 in last year’s Reader—don’t worry, I never prognosticate in public—my first speculation was that Omaha would lose theaters. Blissfully, I’m a semi-liar. Although we did shed the Cinema Center, we gained Midtown Crossing, a downright gorgeous state-of-the-art theater that lets you scarf down food whilst scarfing down movies. With no disrespect to Cinema Center, may it rest in peace, Omaha came out ahead on this exchange. Speaking of coming out ahead, I crushed my final three predictions from last year like my dreams of fame after I turned 31. I called for a down year for superheroes. I present exhibit A: X-Men Origins: Wolverine. I suggested that 3D would take off. I present exhibit B: A whopping 17 movies arrived in all three dimensions, with almost all of them seizing a huge wad of box office dough. Finally, I imagined that 2009 would see advances in direct-to-home-video materials. I present exhibit C: A release-strategy change now allows indie films like Antichrist and Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call –New Orleans to simultaneously arrive in theaters and on video on demand. Sure, it wasn’t quite pointing to the bleachers in the World Series and yakking one out there, but I’m a movie writer, so my expectations are quite a bit lower.

Get animated: Was 2009 the best year for animation…ever?

Although I am by nature given to hyperbole thanks to a genetic condition, it isn’t too much of a stretch to consider this last year the greatest in the history of animation. The critical praise heaped upon Up, The Fantastic Mr. Fox, Ponyo on the Cliff by the Sea, Coraline and The Princess and the Frog far exceed the collective praise for any other genre. Moreover, the sheer diversity in form was staggering, from A Christmas Carol’s creepy-but-also-kind-of-cool performance capture, to the return of hand-drawn animation with The Princess and the Frog to my favorite form, stop-motion, in Coraline and The Fantastic Mr. Fox. This year’s cartoony goodness was so dedicated to diversity, Disney even managed to present a non-racist black animated character. If Up does score an overall Best Picture nomination at the Oscars it will cap what has been an unprecedented leap forward for a category that is often dismissed as kid’s play. Of course, next year brings with it Shrek Forever, a film capable of single-handedly returning the entire category to the dark ages.

Low-low budget: Indies suffer, but low-budgets multiply?

One of the more disappointing aspects of any economic downturn is that it gives studios an excuse to take on less “risky” or “artistic” fare, as though shedding the $2 million art house project is really going to help the bottom line as much as trimming one of Nicholas Cage’s hair piece assistants. Perhaps one of the most encouraging stories of success then was Paranormal Activity, a movie that struck just the right chord with horror movie fans, a group that is notorious for not giving a good damn how much a film costs. With a budget less than a year of undergrad studies at Creighton University ($15,000 compared to $28,000), the spooky hand-held camera tale of demonic possession raked in $107 million…and that’s before its release on home video. Because copycatting is the thing to do in L.A., Paramount instantly tried to duplicate the inexplicable success by creating a “microbudget” division that will split $1 million between 10-20 movies. It’s hard not to see this as a win-win, with struggling artists finding hard sought dollars and a studio taking a small risk. Now, if only they’d realize this formula will work on a slightly larger scale…

Local lovin’: Omaha ruled to the point of a George Clooney citing

Locally filmed Lovely, Still final unspooled and Oscar front-runner Up in the Air took the time to shoot a few sequences in Epply Airport—a Clooney alert was issued, but thankfully only mild swooning was reported. Combine that with the aforementioned delivery of the Midtown Crossing Theater and the continued commitment from Film Streams at the Ruth Sokolof Theater and the Omaha Film Festival to make this town a prominent player in significant, intelligent cinematic fare and you have inarguably a banner year for movies in the Big O. Why, what a perfect opportunity to close with a kindly request that such a trend continues and that such events find their way to my inbox at film@thereader.com. Forgive me my flowery rhetoric but it goes without saying (other than me, you know, saying it right now) that on a daily and weekly basis throughout this fair city people dedicated to celebrating the modern art that is moviemaking do incredible things. Keep on keepin’ on, and keep on letting us know about it. I see no reason whatsoever that 2009 can’t be the start of a new, exciting statement for what is to come instead of the punctuation on the decade that has just closed.

Ryan's Junk Drawer

No need to freak out, it's not Thursday. You didn't lose a day to binge drinking paint thinner again. I just figured that since today is The Day Before The Night Before Christmas I would give you a special gift of having my junk (as in the movie news that isn't big enough to warrant a blog post of its own) a whole day early. I know that you sit there, pining for my junk, and it wouldn't be Christmas-like of me to deny you opening my package any longer. As is our weekly tradition, we begin this post by examining the creepy picture above from the "Highlights" magazine for children and inventing/imagining what one of the items in said creepy picture may be. Today's item is the friendship bracelet in the upper left hand corner. When little Suzie didn't finish all her math homework, her dad knew the only way to get back at her. No, not "take her friendship bracelet," that's too easy, she could just make another bracelet. It's much more difficult to make an entirely new friend. See, that's not SUZIE'S friendship bracelet...

Without further ado, here's my junk for this week:

1.) Merry Cronenberg - David Cronenberg is a weird mothertrucker. He makes ambitious and often really great movies that are totally batshit crazy. His latest, which was announced on Facebook, presumably alongside a status update like "Hate everything, contracted an STD, no longer speaking to anyone in my life" (which are the only kinds of status updates that I see on Facebook these days), is going to be The Talking Cure. Based on a novel, the film is about a "beautiful young woman," which is great, because if I see one more Hollywood movie about an ugly chick again. The woman is "driven mad by her past" and a doctor and his mentor attempt to cure the woman. The woman will be this woman:

The man and doctor will be played by Christoph Waltz (from Inglorious Basterds) and Michael Fassbender (a guy who bends fasses). I'm not a big Knightly fan, but I am willing to see this for Cronencrazy and Waltz.

2.) This. Must. Stop. - On the one hand, I'm happy that the rumors I'm repeating about Taylor "I almost lost the role in Twilight 2 until I dedicated myself to becoming ab-riffic" Lautner have nothing to do with movies I'd want to see anyway. On the other, Taylor Lautner should be legally obliged by the contract he made with Lucifer to get said abs to slink back into darkness and obscurity the moment the last Twilight film's reign of terror ends. Sadly, that's not happening, as Lautner is apparently doing a remake of Vision Quest, the only movie to prominently feature a wrestler that isn't a WWE-style wrestler. In the original, Matthew Modine seduced a marginally older woman while training (because it helps you with your sweaty man touching to do some sweaty woman touching). The theory is that this new version will see Lautner with a much older woman (much older than him, so like Kiera Knightly age, not Betty White age). This would be done to give all of the creepy cat ladies who love thinking about the disturbingly young Lautner in compromising positions after they finish watching "Law and Order: SVU." Seriously, this is potentially the most disgusting attempt to take advantage of a built-in audience since Spider-man 3.

3.) Does he take it stirred? - This is a little nugget...I mean LITTLE (which I just emphasized by putting in big letters). According to to Bond fansite MI6, screenwriter Peter Morgan said that the next Bond film has a “shocking story.” On the one hand, OF COURSE the dude who is writing the damn movie is going to say the story is "shocking." He wants people to be talking about his movie. On the other hand, Morgan is the guy who wrote Frost/Nixon and is a damn fine screenwriter. Stopping short of killing 007, there are a few crazy different things a writer of his caliber could do with where this story is going. I'm going to go out on a limb and say the shocking story is that M is a bad guy. It's just a wild guess, but I'm a wild guy. This is really just a post for me to say that I'm REALLY looking forward to the next Bond movie. I know people weren't sold on Quantum of Solace (even though I liked it), but this could be the first truly great Bond trilogy if they nail it like Bond nails anything in a skirt. Dude, I have the twist: Bond gets an STD.

4.) The Green Lantern uses eHarmony - Latino Review, who I love, exclusively reveals the short list for who may play the girlfriend of the Green Lantern. So that means this guy (shown here in the male equivalent of Leia's slave gear):

Will date one of the following on screen:

Eva Green

Keri Russell

Diane Kruger

Blake Lively

Jennifer Garner

If you know me at all, you know where my vote lies...with the object of Ben Affleck's affection. Ms. Garner deserves tons of fame and success. I don't want Blake Lively in anything, Eva and Diane are blah, and my second choice is Keri Russell. It will probably be Blake or Diane, but Lord if they give it to Garner, I will be a happy, happy nerd.

5.) Trailer madness...MADNESS I SAY! - I don't even know what to say about this. We have a SLEW of trailers. Some good, some bad, some ugly. Let's start with ugly.

The Karate Kid remake - You can dress it up however you'd like, but this is still Will Smith's kid and Jacky Chan remaking The Karate Kid. Ugh.

Knight and Day - Oh, Cameron Diaz, is there nothing you can't make look terrible? She only continues to work in Hollywood because casting agents are lazy. Blerg.



Frozen - This indie horror gem has been tearing up the festival circuit and buzzing on the internet. Is this the next Paranormal Activity?



Adele Blanc-Sec - Don't be frightened, yes that's French. I know, it's scary. But Luc Besson gave us The Professional and Le Femme Nikita, so if he wants to do what some have described as part-Indiana Jones and part-Hellboy.



Robin Hood - I love Robin Hood. Every version. Even the one with Costner. If I love that, I'm going to love this.




Okay guys, I won't lie and say there's a good chance I'm going to get any more posts up this week. Maybe, but I wouldn't count on it. So let me take this moment to say to all of you, I love y'all. I hope you have the best holiday season you've ever had. It would be the highest honor for me if, while you get ripped on rum-laced egg nogg, you toss out some lame or interesting tidbit you heard on my blog. Every time you do, an Angel gets its wings. And I don't mean a dead person, I have an arrangement that every time someone mentions my blog, a dude staples a pair of wings to a girl named Angel. So, think about it.

Briefly, then soaring

Really didn't miss too much yesterday as far as movie news goes. Beyond the obviously tragic death of Brittney Murphy (which even I won't joke about), apparently all that's happened is a few teaser trailers popped up (which we'll get to in my junk drawer, making its early appearance tomorrow), a few posters emerged, and Peter Jackson is helping to do another adaptation of fantasy books. I know that last one really does deserve some attention so, as quick as possible, it's called "The Mortal Engines," it's set in a post-apocalyptic world, and has something to do with giant cities that are somehow mobile. They move around consuming resources and fighting. Does it sound cool? You bet. Do I want to see it? Sure. Do I have the strength to do more coverage of a Peter Jackson fantasy movie today? No. My wizard jokes are tired. I do, however, have a whole bunch of Hawkman jokes I just never get to use...until now. Over at Pajiba, reports are that they are making a live-action Hawkman movie at Warner Bros. For those who are unfamiliar with the comic book character, that's because he's incredibly lame. He looks like this:

That's some guy on the internet, but that really is exactly what his costume looks like. He has wings and a stick that he hits you with. He also has a mask that looks like a pigeon. There's some insanely complicated back story in the comics, which is downright incomprehensible. Something about some Egyptian gods or something, I can't stay awake long enough to figure it out. That said, my favorite part about this is that the people behind the movie are describing it as "part Indiana Jones, part Da Vinci Code, part Ghost." In order: (1) You wish, (2) is that a good thing?, and (3) huhbuwha? How is this part Ghost? Also, if you take the worst parts from those movies, you could have a slow-moving, non-adventure where a bunch of people talk about Crystal Skulls with Shia LaBeouf while Demi Moore has her worst haircut. I know that DC is hoping for what Marvel got from Iron Man with this endeavor (a small character that blows up), but Iron Man isn't a small character in the comics. He has tons of great adventures and stories. Hawkman has a "shirt" that is basically suspenders held together by Hot Topic belt buckle. That's not cool.

Okay, that's all for today. I have a bunch of presents to wrap. I'll see you tomorrow with my junk drawer!

Weekend Box Office Results: Avatarded

James Cameron, king of the world, is not the king of weather patterns. If he was more like Storm from the X-men and less like the douche who runs The Gap at the mall and thinks he has some immeasurable amount of power, he would have been able to stave off the Eastern snowstorm that probably took a good $5-10 million from his total. The numbers would have been records, and everyone would be squawking about how "Jimmy boy has done it again." I mean, it did nearly $250 million worldwide opening weekend, so I think he's okay, but do remember that the film doesn't earn a dime (allegedly) until he doubles that. I sincerely believe that Jim's next "leap forward" in technology will likely be a weather controlling device now.

Here's how the weekend went (haiku style):

1.) Avatar - $77 million (Accuracy of prediction - 98.5%)

That's a huge number
But it should have been huger
Will they go...again?

2.) The Princess and the Frog - $12 million (Accuracy of prediction - 71%)

Hey, what's going on?
This is SUCH a great movie.
You saw Ice Age 3?!?!!?!

3.) The Blind Side - $10 million (Accuracy of prediction - 85%)

This film just won't stop.
Double digits every week.
Bullock owns us all.

4.) Did You Hear About the Morgans? - $7 million (Accuracy of prediction - 64.5%)

Bye bye SJP.
Beyond "Sex and the City"
You are just worthless.

5.) Twilight: New Moon - $4.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 0%)

No, no, no, no, no
How is this still happening?
Twilight ruins it ALL!

Overall accuracy of prediction - 63.8%

A dreadful outing.
I can only blame Twilight...
for so very much

Sorry it was late guys!

I return...with gifts of good tiding

Once more I apologize profusely and profoundly for leaving y'all in the lurch yesterday (and by lurch, I mean without any new blogs to read not the creepy zombie doorman from "The Munsters"...betcha didn't think you'd read a "Munsters" reference today, didja). This is a weird season full of strange and wonderful happenings, like how I happened to urinate away all of my money yesterday to the point of being destitute and how I happened to do so whilst shopping amidst masses of angry, angry sumbitches (did you know you can say "Happy Holidays" in a way that also means "I hope your genitals get mutilated," because you can). As my grand lo siento, I am providing for you a crazy ambitious undertaking that is all but guaranteed to get me kicked in the cyber junk and mocked by those who I respect. Yeah, I picked the top 10 movies of the last decade. I know, crazy shit, right? This is going to appear in this week's edition of The Reader, but you're my best friends and I love you so much that I thought I would give you this gift early...so that way I'm ready to openly receive all of the lovely material goods I am 99% sure are on their way to my doorstep.

Honestly and truly...I WANT discussion on this. This is just my humble little opinion...and I'm a guy who watches part of The Day After Tomorrow whenever it's on TV. So, really, hit me up with your own lists. The only thing I demand is that we not treat this like the GOP treats health care reform. You can't just blast my choices and propose none of your own. So, you can't say "I can't believe you put XXX on the list! What are you some kind of glue-huffing, mercury-poisoned Chicago sports fan?!" You CAN say "I would have put XXX on the list instead of XXX, you glue-huffing, mercury-poisoned Chicago sports fan." Get it? Okay, enough preamble (can't help it, I really tried on this), here's the list. Gulp.

Nicest of the “Naughties”
The top ten films of the decade

Slap Manny Pacquiao. Defend the public option at a Sarah Palin rally. Read one of the “Twilight” books to the end. Any of these nigh-impossible tasks is easier than naming the top ten films of the last decade. For those who take such a task seriously (meaning, not Vh1, who will likely soon spew out “the top ten most radical sexually transmitted diseases”), crafting a countdown like this is agony.

The following is the result of playing an at-home version of Sophie’s Choice with movies for weeks. It is as imperfect and awkward as its author, but that’s the point, really. With no “right” criteria with which to arrive at the “correct” ten films, what remains is personal opinion. This is mine.

Honorable Mentions

The following films have the distinction of making it nearest to the bitter end before being eaten so that others may live. This seems as good a place as any to mention that I would love to hear the myriad of reasons I’m wrong for excluding these and other movies from the final ten. Shoot your superior list to film@thereader.com, and I promise to feel shame.

Here are the flicks that almost achieved greatness (in no particular order): District 9, Unbreakable,28 Days Later, Requiem for a Dream, Donnie Darko, Farenheit 9/11, There Will Be Blood, Hedwig and the Angry Inch, Pan’s Labyrinth, Primer, The Royal Tennenbaums, Brokeback Mountain, Let the Right One In, Once, W and Up.

The 10 Best Films from 2000-2009

10 – The Fountain (2006)

Objectivity is a lie we tell ourselves to make our opinions feel credible; The Fountain is on this list because I saw it when I thought my wife was dying—spoiler alert: she’s okay now. Director Darren Aronofsky’s meditation on loss and grief didn’t comfort me with recycled sympathy. Instead, it made a wholly unique suggestion: that death itself is an act of creation. Beyond the luminescence of the minimal special effects, the complexity of a triptych story and an ethereal performance from Rachel Weisz, I will always have seared in my brain the sight of Hugh Jackman weeping while scarring the spot where his wedding ring was.

9 – United 93 (2006)

Nearly a decade later, and only one movie has found the appropriate voice with which to speak about 9/11. It took a Brit, Paul Greengrass, to write and direct the definitive film about the single day that reshaped the American psyche. Melding what is ostensibly a reenactment with a message of love, Greengrass balanced the poetry of remembrance with an obligation for accuracy. Every frame exposed and rendered inert the silliness of bumper stickers and country songs, proving that memory is substantial enough by itself and needs no frills or doctoring.

8 – Shaun of the Dead (2004)

Before genre-bending was the cinematic trick du jour, writer/star Simon Pegg and writer/director Edgar Wright put a zombie flick and a comedy in a cage and made them do it until they made a baby. The offspring was somehow inexplicably flawless. Unquestionably the film on this list I’ve seen most often, its inclusion here may seem ridiculous…until you consider how effortlessly the film sways from pathos to punchline, from commentary to cannibalism. Originality may be the modern resource in shortest supply, and this used up more than its fair share.

7 – Spider-man 2 (2004)

Unless the cure for a major disease is found within the next week or so, the greatest discovery of the “naughties” is that superhero movies can be good. Although The Dark Knight toppled records and critics, it can’t match the sheer comic book authenticity of director Sam Raimi’s second outing with the web-head. From the train-top battle with Doctor Octopus to the ill-timed emotional reveal of Spidey’s identity to Mary Jane, none before (or after) have better captured the joy of this genre and the childlike exuberance that accompanies it.

6 – Kill Bill Volumes 1 and 2 (2003-2004)

It’s not cheating to weld these into one entry, given that’s how writer/director/foot-fetishist/weirdo Quentin Tarantino intended them to be seen. It may, however, be cheating that Tarantino stole so much of this chop-socky epic from outside sources…but that’s long been his gig, and all is forgiven when the thievery is this well-executed. Providing the single best action heroine ever recorded, this cacophony of violence and sound contains embedded within it a cyclic philosophy regarding revenge that more than merits its inclusion.

5 – Almost Famous (2000)

I feel bad for those didn’t fall in love with Penny Lane (Kate Hudson) in this film…because they are destined to die alone. Writer/director Cameron Crowe’s love letter to rock and roll and coming of age is so heartfelt that soundstages must have been constructed inside his aorta. When the fractured and broken band members bleat out an improvisational version of Elton John’s “Tiny Dancer,” any flaw in the narrative is instantly buffed out and forgiven. At its best, moviemaking is transference of emotion; watching Almost Famous is like listening to someone else’s heartbeat.

4 – The Lord of the Rings Trilogy (2001-2003)

Inarguably the finest fantasy franchise of all time, the fact that these three films hold one spot is not only a space saver on this list but also a testimony to their cohesive brilliance. Director Peter Jackson came from near-relative obscurity to craft the new gold standard for adaptations of all kinds. Loyalty to the subject matter and fan base was rewarded with crates of Oscars and a box office in excess of billions. Like the answer to an SAT problem, Star Wars is to a slightly previous generation what LOTR is to this generation.

3 – Lost in Translation (2003)

If writer/director Sofia Coppola only introduced the world to a grown-up Scarlett Johansson, she would have done as much for the advancement of humanity as most world leaders. That the film also contains within it a relationship of such complicated truth, such precise but offbeat insight, is enough to consider it for the top spot here. Eventually, the wheel of time grinds every movie into fragmented scenes replayed in our minds. The moment that Bill Murray whispers an unheard statement into the ear of Johnasson may be my single favorite minute in film history.

2 – Memento (2000)

In the hands of a lesser creator than writer/director Christopher Nolan, Memento’s premise would have been more gimmick than gold. The sophistication of the storytelling, the ambiguity of the characters’ intentions and the obscurity of the events blend into a potent cocktail that demonstrates that we have not yet hit the bottom of the ocean of creativity. With the spirit of Hitchcock breathing life into its noir heart, this is as fine a film as can be found in this or any decade.

1 - Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)

If the other films on this list pack a punch, this one performs cardiac surgery without anesthesia. Writer/director Michel Gondry and writer Charlie Kaufman combine to consider the cost of every emotion ever experienced. Weaving sci-fi, romance and touches of comedy into an oversized sweater that fits everyone, this unique vision does its best to synthesize the human experience into two hours. It makes use of every facet of filmmaking…and it remains the best movie I’ve seen in the last 10 years.

That’s my list, now what about yours?

Weekly Round-Up

What did we learn this week?

We learned that Mel Gibson hasn't lost his crazy.
We learned that the Globes are coming.
We learned that Spideys and Hobbits may mix.
We learned that I'm still not getting free stuff.
We learned that I still have the best junk.

Not bad. Not bad at all.

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

Folks, I'm about to go on vacation for like 2 weeks. I wouldn't be more excited if the Bears were still in playoff contention...okay, yes I would. Point is, I'll keep on blogging as often as possible, but the times are going to be irregular from here on out. Not that you care, but I do. I am so happy. Happy, happy, happy. Thus, the box office prediction haikus may not be as bitter this week! Yay.

Here is how I see the weekend shaking out (haiku style):

1.) Avatar - $79 million

Warrior smurf time!
3D effects should be great...
but not the writing.

2.) The Princess and the Frog - $19 million

Enchanting for kids
Entertaining for adults
I loved this movie.

3.) The Blind Side - $13 million

Oh, Sandra Bullock,
a DOUBLE Golden Glober.
Who would have thought it?

4.) Did You Hear About the Morgans? - $12 million

Bad choice of title.
It gives me too many jokes.
Like "Yes, and they suck."

5.) Invictus - $7 million

No award love here?
If it can't score Golden Globes,
it WON'T score Oscars.

WILDCARD - A Christmas Carol - $7 million

It just keeps going.
The "hit" I tend to forget.
It will be gone soon.

Okay, that's it folks. I could not be more excited for a Friday. Good luck out there shopping, and I'll catch you later.