Ryan's Junk Drawer

With great junk, comes great responsibility - "Better Off Ted"

Once more I must quote from the terribly racist Asian sidekick Short Round: "No time for love, Doctor Jones." My next 24 hours consists of seeing the midnight show of The Social Network because I missed the screening because I was at speech practice because there's a big speech meet in Manhattan, Kansas this weekend followed by doing the radio show with Steve King at 7:30 tomorrow morning before working all day before driving to Manhattan, Kansas. I'm already tired. Oh, and next week is my brother-in-law's wedding, and I love that kid, so I want to make sure I do everything I can to make things awesome for him.

What I'm saying is, you'll forgive me if my junk is not up to regular standards. If my junk isn't as impressive as usual, it's just that I'm stressed out. This doesn't usually happen to me. I always want you to say "Wow, look at Ryan's junk!" or tell others "You really need to check out Ryan's junk today." But I fear today is one of those days you may look at my junk and say "it's okay, I know you're really busy and you're probably just thinking about something else." Obviously, by junk I mean movie tidbits that are collected here because they don't merit full blog posts. Although, I think you thought I meant something else...

We begin each week by looking at the creepy image of what I believe to be a serial killer's junk drawer from Highlights Magazine FOR CHILDREN. I choose an item, make up a story, laugh at my own story, then nobody ever comments on it again. Today's item is the screw in the middle of the drawer. Gerald was the least funny person in the world. That wasn't a personal belief. There was a poll taken, and the results conclusively demonstrated that if Gerald were to do stand-up comedy next to Pol Pot and Hitler, he would come in third. One day, while he was joylessly enduring his job with coworkers who were saddened by his very presence, he was assembling a metal scaffold. As he was working on his end, he heard a clank down by where all 10 other employees had gathered to tell humorous stories as far from Gerald the Joke Killer as possible. Gerald turned and yelled "What was that?" One employee slowly held up the screw that had fallen. Gerald saw it and was enraged, as per usual. "You think that's not important? You think we can just let parts of this fall out? You'll die if it's not properly constructed. Now get that back were it belongs or we're screwed." It wasn't intentional, nor was it particularly humorous, but at the mere prospect of Gerald making a joke, the gang burst into laughter. Gerald kept that screw forever in his junk drawer, as a reminder of the only joke he ever made, the one everyone laughed at as he fired them.

Okay, enough shenanigans, on to the movie news!!!

1.) "So, why exactly is this mission so impossible, shorty?" - I don't know the plot of Mission Impossible 4...or even the title, as some folks are suggesting they rebrand it something else entirely, a decision suggested by a stupid, stupid person who hates money. What I do know is that there will be naked, heaving bosoms complete with full nipple exposure. How do I know this? Because Josh Holloway, aka Sawyer from "Lost," has been hired as part of Tom Cruise's impossible mission crew. We all know that dude hates wearing a shirt almost as much as Matthew McConaughey, so I imagine he'll have to "seduce an enemy agent" or "disarm a bomb using only his nude abdomen." He's also likely to toss out a few nicknames, just so we remember where we know him from. If he calls Cruise anything from short-stack to Xenu, I'm going to love MI4 an MF-ton.



2.) Finally, someone feels the pull of Gravity - Honestly, I could do a Natalie Portman story every day for the rest of my life and not feel bad about it at all. Hell, I'll make up reasons to put her in this blog. "I just watched a documentary on how quicksand is formed, which reminds me how much I'd love to see Natalie Portman on the beach." I'll do it. Luckily, her agent is giving me better excuses, as the day AFTER we hear her rumored for Lois Lane, we hear she may be in negotiations for Gravity, the project that refuses to die.

I chose this image because it looks like she's being forcibly pulled into this project, which is entirely possible. Having been offered first to Angelina Jolie, then to everything in Hollywood with boobs and v-jay, Nat-Po would have been my first choice anyway. It's a project from an artistic director (Alfonso Cuaron), with an insane amount of screen time for one actress (I could stare at Nat-nat all day) who needs to show a diverse range of emotion (she's playing a possessed ballerina and stars in a stoner comedy set in medieval times later this year...boom, diversity). I'm happy this movie is getting made because I want to see it as much as I want to stop talking about it.

3.) Zemeckis tired of stealing souls - Robert Zemeckis last made a movie when Clinton was in office. Sorry, last made a REAL movie in the pre-Bush era. He did use technology to steal the souls of Anthony Hopkins, Tom Hanks, and Jim Carrey in the meantime. Having finally decided that not EVERY movie he makes needs to be motion capture, the word on the street is that the Z-Dog is returning to using humans in ways that doesn't damn them to hell by shucking their soul from their body using a PC. Supposedly, he's circling Timeless, an "action time-travel movie," which we know nothing about whatsoever...and he considered Superman! Jeez Louise, who HASN'T been offered or considered Superman? Me. That's who. I haven't considered directing Superman. Or, in Hollywood-speak, I've decided to remove my name from consideration. Z-mecks is a good director who made some classic movies, and I hope he returns in full force. Oh, and totally unrelated, but Tom Hanks in Polar Express (one of Z-bone's motion capture soul suckers) totally looks like Vikings coach Brad Childress.


4.) The casting for 360 does make my head spin around - Obviously, when you say your film is a sexytime thriller with an "investigation of sexual urges," then tell me this lady is starring:I'm in. Even if the next name that you put out there to appear in 360, which was based on a play, is a little surprising.
Uh...as near as I can tell, the last bit of acting Eminem did was convincing everyone that "Relapse" was something he was proud of. This isn't to say Slim Shady can't act. He can. I just don't want to see him acting opposite Rachel Weisz...because I'll be jealous of him more than usual. I mean, I can accept that he can headline with Jay-Z while I lack those skills, but if this is about him playing a person who wants to make it with Rachel Weisz, I promise I am more qualified. Whether or not this casting actually occurs, it's weird, right?

5.) Trailers, Parked - This week's trailers are sci-fi-riffic, as we have an emo-teenage alien drama and a "don't look at the light" aliens eating you blockbuster.

I am Number Four was the second work of fiction from James Frey, and the first one called that. It's about aliens who came to earth running from something that has to kill them in a specific order. All fear the evil obsessive-compulsive monster! Also, they are teenagers who seem mopey. That will never catch on.

Skyline looks batshit insane. But like others, I fear that we're seeing all of the effects in the trailers, as the budget was low for this. I think we're being led to believe this is a giant epic slugfest when it's really a low-budget, closed space film. I could be wrong though. And I hope I am, because if this is actually what we're getting, it looks like so much fun.

Okay, that's it for my junk this week. Hope you had fun. See you tomorrow when I am hella tired.

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Things You Should Buy Me (Volume 51)

Welcome one and all to the weekly extravaganza you anticipate for 6 days in a row! Yes, it's once more the time for me to show you the coolest products out there that I want to own without paying to own them. I have managed yet another week without anyone sending me the free swag I demand (by contacting me at film@thereader.com for my address), so the streak is alive. Yay. Yay for not getting free stuff. Obviously, I don't ACTUALLY expect you to send me free stuff. I just hope you feel insecure enough to try to buy my affection, which will TOTALLY work.

Let's see how you can buy my love today?

1.) I'm a fan of fake stabbings - As a proud owner of ninja throwing star "coat hooks," which are actually being used to hold my headset and headphones near my desk, I am instantly drawn to these magnets.

ThinkGeek has finally found a way to say "yes, I put things on my fridge that I find interesting or cute...SAY SOMETHING AND I'LL CUT YOU." Seriously though, it looks like a Hobbit ninja just riddled your cooling device with tiny throwing knives. How is that not a big bucket of awesome?

2.) FINALLY, I can cuddle Legolas...I mean... - Admit it. You've always wanted to grab Gandalf, love on Legolas, feel-up Frodo! Well, now's your chance.
These plush figures are available from Thinkgeek, and let you do this:

Look how happy he is. Ever since he saw Orlando Bloom unload those arrows into those orc chests, all he's wanted to do is cuddle him. Now he can! This is a great way to get really young children to appreciate a book and movie series riddled with the kind of violence that will make them better people.

3.) There's nothing minimal about my superhero love - How great is this shirt?

Threadless has tapped into the minimalist movement to really capture the best parts of how I believe people thought up superheroes in the first place. "Um, what about a roach man? No? Um biscuit man? No? Um, sock man?" This lasted until they stumbled on items that they could really pass off. Now we have this wicked cool shirt. Seriously. Gimmee.

That's all I want for this week. It's another 6 days until I share more, so you have plenty of shopping time.

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George Lucas gets further in our faces

They're coming. Again. It was announced that starting in 2012, George Lucas is re-releasing a Star Wars movie into theaters one at a time (once a year)...and they're going to be in 3D. Oh, and they're starting with The Phantom Menace. So, starting in 2015, they're re-releasing Star Wars. Look, it is what it is, right? We knew this was coming, we knew that Lucas would find a way to get more money out of us, and we knew 3D would be involved, because instead of finding a new story to tell with new technology, it's much lazier and easier to retrofit something that's ALREADY DONE and just cash in on it. It is a business move, as everything Lucas has done for the last 3 decades has been, and has nothing to do with fans, creativity, or art. And we're going to see them. We are. Maybe not in the droves and waves that we have in the past, but we are going to go watch them. Because watching this series on the big screen makes us feel good. It's why there are one-man shows about Star Wars, puppet reenactments, comics, cartoons, and so on. As much as it disgusts me about myself, I know that I'll go see these on the big screen because I am still drawn like a moth to the flame that will burn me. Who cares? At some point we have to be beyond the shock, right? We have to have realized what the game is and accept it anyway, right? Lucas is lazy, marginalizes his own previous work by continuing to diddle it, and bilks the fans who made him everything he is while insulting us. We can either become angry and totally reject him and the series, or accept it and move on. I'm in the latter group. So, yep, this is annoying and stupid...and expected.

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If you buy an Aronofsky, they throw in a Portman?

The buzz about Aronofsky taking over Superman has escalated from threat level mauve to threat level auburn. I'm not sure if that tells the full story, so let me explain. Apparently, the studio or Chris Nolan had also been discussing the possibility of directing with Ben Affleck, a choice I would have loved, and then Affleck pulled out (come on, you're better than that). Then the discussions moved to Aronofsky, primarily because of his pull with a certain ladyfriend of mine.

The thought is Natalie Portman will play Superman. Sorry, Natalie Portman will play Lois Lane. As we all know, you want only the most talented, most exceptional actresses to be the ones kidnapped and shouting for their boyfriends to save them. Is it worth handing the red banana hammock and back drapery to someone like Aronofsky, who is fully capable from a talent perspective but may give us some really weird or (worse yet) really boring version of the character just to snag your lead actress, when we all know she will be sorely underwritten? Is Nat-po that much of a draw to anyone but me? Remember, Aronofsky may be my favorite director, I'm not bagging on him here. I like both steak and ice cream, but I don't put them on top of one another. Anyway, this is an interesting wrinkle to this whole development, but the refrain remains the same: More as we have it.

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Oh DC, I thought we talked about this

Today we had a battle of opposing comments from creative contributors of comic cinema.
Joss Whedon, while considering how to direct (and write) The Avengers, noted that with his talented cast and character-based style, he wanted to "put them all in a room and have them do Glengarry Glen Ross." Ha! How clever! That incredibly insightful guy who clearly "gets" what's going on just reassured me and millions of others that he sees this as an actor's movie, as a dialogue-based encounter, as something he is perfectly suited for.

Then you have Greg Berlanti. He wrote the first draft of The Green Lantern (and was set to direct it). He also turned in a draft for The Flash. He also directed Life as we Know it, the new movie with Katherine Heigl and Josh Duhamel. Oh, and he created "No Ordinary Family." Ruh roh. Then he said that The Flash was influenced by him thinking about Silence of the Lambs and Se7en. And that it was more The Dark Knight than anything. This is The Flash he's talking about. The fast guy. Who runs and stuff. So we have a respected comic talent for Marvel putting his film in context of a famous play by a brilliant writer and a guy from DC on a press junket for a Katherine Heigl romantic comedy talking about how The Flash is like Se7en. DC was TOTALLY right when they said they don't feel pressure to do things like Marvel. Things like "make good decisions."

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Twilight films to finally have Grace

It was nice to see Jeff Winger (Joel McHale) so quickly and eloquently describe the point of Twilight last week on "Community." He explained that the message is "men are monsters who crave young flesh." Yes that seems to be the point. Now, if he'd have thrown in a few notes about how stalking is really just a guy's way to show he loves you and some stuff about falling in love with a baby, you'd have gotten it all in there.

Oh Twilight, it's been too long since I mocked you. Thankfully, I have a reason to pay attention to you today, and that reason is this:

Maggie Grace, shown above in what she wears to church with her mom, is going to star as Spoodlenork, the grand wizardess of the shamalamadingdongs who loves or doesn't love someone and is really pale. The end. Seriously, that's what I read when I read descriptions like "A member of the Denali coven, considered cousins to the Cullen clan as the only other “vegetarian” vampire group. When Irina blames the Cullens for the death of her lover, her actions set in motion a terrifying chain of events.” It's like Charlie Brown's teacher starts translating it to me. I predict Grace will slightly overact but still look amazing, as that's what's written on her business card.

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Requiem for a Superman?

First off, sorry about the lack of chatter regarding "The Event" today. As far as I can tell, "The Event" is that the Bears are 3-0. So my theories are still aliens or time travel, as there is no natural way that should have happened. So, if you're blinded by some kind of light today wherever you are, it's just my ear-to-ear grin at having a Bears team that is atop the NFC North, defeated the GD GB Packers, and are the only undefeated NFC team. Great Googily Moogily!

Speaking of eye-popping things, I may have been more than a little precognitive when I posted this image.Because apparently, in addition to the short list that was...listed...previously, we now have one more name to add to the Superman sweepstakes: Darren Aronofsky. Um...weird. I thought his name being tossed into the Batman hat pre-Nolan's anointing was offbeat but understandable. He is pulled by dark materials, as is evident in, you know, EVERY FILM HE'S EVER DONE. Can a director that talented stretch himself? Sure. Sure he can. But then do we lose the very aesthetic that made him great in the first place? I don't know. I still say if you want the best, most entertaining version of Superman, you want Snyder on that film. I really mean that. Anybody else may make a truly captivating, interesting film that presents a unique and original take on the character...and it will underperform and we'll be having this relaunch discussion AGAIN. And I don't like this discussion. I'd rather talk about the 3-0 Chicago Bears more.

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Weekend Box Office Results: Greed is mediocre

Well, you can't call a first-place finish for a sequel that's more than 13 years in the making a disappointment, even if it was a tiny win. I mean, the success isn't exactly Affleckian (see how I do for you, Ben, I'm trying to make your name into an adjective for awesome), but it was a non-disappointment. Wall Street 2: Financial Boogaloo will likely drop off precipitously now, but hey, it won't be viewed as a flop. Oliver Stone's first sequel was also his first number one hit in a long, long time. In other news, America hates owls. At least ones that stab each other. And Betty White love or no Betty White love, nothing could save a generic movie like You Again. In other news, though, how about STRONG holds for Easy A and The Town, both dipping in the 35% range. That's kick-ass word of mouth for two kick-ass movies. Enough non-poetic talk, let's haiku this bitch.

1.) Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps - $19 million (Accuracy of prediction - 89.5%)

Money doesn't sleep
because it isn't alive.
This title is dumb.

2.) Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga'hoole - $16.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 89.5%)

So, "no" on the owls?
Kids don't LIKE to pee themselves.
I mean, sure, SOME do.

3.) The Town - $16 million (Accuracy of prediction - 97%)

Keep on chugging, Ben!
I love a good redemption!
You lucky butt chin!

4.) Easy A - $10.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 83%)

Holy HOLDOVER!
I told you you would love it!
Now tell all your friends.

5.) You Again - $8 million (Accuracy of prediction - 65%)

No love for this crap.
We may all love Kristen Bell,
but just not this much.

Overall Accuracy of Prediction -85%

This should be higher,
but Betty White screwed me up!
Stupid Betty White!!!

Okay, that's it folks, see you tomorrow for more fun and adventures.

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Motion capture smash!

Slow news weekend to the point that the big story was not that the Hulk will be CGI in The Avengers, we kind of figured that, but that he will be MOTION CAPTURED! That means Mark Ruffalo will wear funny pajamas and act out smashing things so that they can project a creepy, soulless recreation of him as the Hulk. Seriously, Robert Zemeckis is nuts, those movies are terrifying with the undead Tom Hanks and the reanimated Jim Carrey. Icky. Will it work better for The Hulk? Sure. Why? Well these are our previous attempts:

"Why Hulk look like he roll in poo? Why Hulk hair so stupid? Why Hulk pants so weird? Why Hulk look like he can't go number 2?"

"LOUD NOISES! I DON'T KNOW WHAT EVERYBODY'S YELLING ABOUT!"

I like the latter better than the former, but both have that edge of falseness. It's hard, you know, because I don't know how to make a "real" looking Hulk, given that 10-foot tall green guys don't come along often. Will the motion capture help? Sure? Who knows. It can't hurt though. I mean, the only alternative would be to find a big muscle guy and paint him green.

"It puts the zucchini lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again."

And nobody wants that, right? That's the most terrifying image not currently on a website requiring certain people post their picture and address alongside the crime they were convicted of.

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Life after Hermione

Good Monday morning, folks! I would like to congratulate you on your weekend, but you came in no better than second place. Why? Because I absolutely dominated this weekend, from the multiple projects finished to the relaxation of Sunday football, my alarm clock this morning may as well have just played Queen's "We are the Champions." Except "we" aren't, I am. So it probably should have played something by Kanye, because that's who you play for self-obsessed jams.

Another programming note, I will be having a discussion at UNO today with good friend Adam Tyma's class. We'll chat about alternative media and such, and I may get off a few good Vikings jokes before the Bears are trounced tonight by the Packers, dashing my opportunity to mock him. I'll link to the discussion afterward, as he's putting it online...unless I embarrass myself, then you'll never hear about this again.

Speaking of never being heard from again, the Harry Potter gang is quickly moving their first post-Potter projects into order, with fears that they may slide into obscurity never to be heard from again. Don't pity them, provided they don't have money managers that just got laid off from Lehman Brothers, they're going to be just fine with their hundred million dollars. First up with a project is someone who you'd have thought had several films outside of the Potter-dome already.
Emma Watson, best known as Hermione Granger, has gone from "aw-look-at-that-cute-widdle-girl" to object of inappropriate attention from nearly all quandrants of the Interwebs. Seriously, y'all will want to flick on that "strict search" Google feature before searching her name, lest you discover the true power of photoshop and hormones. Hermione...oops, Emma will star in My Week With Marilyn, presumably not as Marilyn, though I'm pretty sure photoshop could do that too. It's her first major role and is the winner between the competing Marilyn Monroe biopics that were floating out there. Michelle Williams will play Marilyn (good choice, actually) and Kenneth Branagh will play Sir Laurence Olivier. Emma will play...someone unspecified. Look, the girl is going to a major American college, has clearly wisely invested her money, and is intending on having the type of career where she won't be signing greasy-haired dude's buttcheeks at convention centers in 20 years. I admire that.

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Movie Review: Legends of the Guardians

Murderbirds
The Legend of the Guardians shows owls are terrifying

Do you hate your child and never want it to sleep or enjoy nature? Then run out and show it The Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga’Hoole, a photorealistic, 3D, animated film with a kiddie-flick plot and truckloads of bird murder. If your offspring is able to endure the initial terror caused by seeing what appear to be real owls actually frickin’ talking, they should be mentally scarred by the time the villain channeling Hitler begins his wave of mutilation. Seriously though, what do you do with a gorgeous cartoon action movie too plot-stupid for grown-ups and too mind-scarring for tots?

Sporting characters with names that sound like stomach noises clearly created when novelist Kathryn Lasky fell asleep on her keyboard, TLOTG’s primary bird is Soren (Jim Sturgess). Soren is a dreamer obsessed with mythology regarding heroic owls who fought naughty owls in an epic owl fight. His brother, Kludd (Ryan Kwanten), is mad because Soren gets all the attention and doesn’t have a name that sounds like a piece of dirt. When the brothers fall out of their tree—yes, this is really the catalyst for the plot—they are kidnapped.

Turns out the evil Metal Beak (Joel Edgerton) and his queen Nyra (Helen Mirren) are running a Temple of Doom–style mining operation using young owlets from “lesser races.” Together with Gylfie (Emily Barclay), Soren escapes and stumbles into the company of the doltish Digger (David Wenham), the “warrior poet” Twilight (Anthony LaPaglia) and Mrs. Plithiver (Miram Margolyes), who is a snake and was Soren’s nanny…yes, you read that right. The gang embarks on a journey to find the guardians and stop the owl genocide of Metal Beak and his “pure ones,” leading to the most epic brawl of beak and talon since Foghorn Leghorn called the Road Runner out.

Director Zack Snyder, yes that Zack Snyder, delivers impossibly awesome visuals; an owl fight has never looked cooler. Yet John Orloff and Emil Stern’s script is like a bloated belly: stuffed but empty. Filled with cliché after cliché about following one’s heart, sorry, one’s “gizzard,” the pretty paint-by-numbers adventure would fool a young audience…if only the rest of the film were suited for them. The Legend of the Guardians is between worlds: visually arresting, strikingly simplistic and destined to be forgotten. You can’t really say it missed its target, only that it never had one to begin with.

Grade – C+

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

We have ourselves a box office battle this weekend for the top spot. In one corner: Talking owls with armored razors on their claws. In the other: Shia "The Boof" LeBeouf" and nostalgia. It's anyone's game at this point, with The Boofster having a slight edge on the grounds of him really wanting success outside of the giant robots and Megan Fox booby umbrella...ella...ella. I'm now going to get tons of hits from people looking for a Megan Fox Booby Umbrella...I should make one. Anyway, there are some other movies coming out this weekend, but not like last weekend, which was a glorious return to quality, however brief. Let's take a peek at what this weekend holds, haiku style!

1.) Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps - $23 million

Gordon Gekko lives!
But now he faces The Boof.
You don't cross The Boof.

2.) Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga'Hoole - $20 million

Talking owls that fight.
Is this movie for children?
Or just drug users?

3.) The Town - $15 million

You keep rolling, Ben.
I hope this does mega jack!
Suck on that, J-Lo!!

4.) You Again - $12 million

No more Betty White.
I think we have had enough.
Why does this exist?

5.) Easy A - $9 million

This deserves better.
The funniest film out there.
Do you hate to laugh?

No wildcard AGAIN this week, I feel that good about it. Okay, I'm going to spend my weekend thinking of the forensics team who I should be with but am not, cleaning out a giant messy garage, and sleeping. Lots of sleeping. Hope yours is as jam packed with goodness, and I'll catch you Monday.

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You will not agree with me here

Christopher Nolan, whose Prestige I caught the end of as I was about to go to bed last night (God that's a good movie...even if the logic behind the final reveal caused me to have to explain it to my wife using props), is the Don Corleone of superheroes at DC right now. As such, he has supposedly made a list of potential capos to step in and direct Superman, the least interesting, most famous superhero of all. The clock is ticking, as there are legal constraints regarding ownership of the character reverting back to Shuster and Segal, so things will move quickly or not at all. Deadline got their hands on Nolan's short list, and it looks like this:

• Tony Scott (Unstoppable, The Taking of Pelham 123)
• Matt Reeves (Let Me In, Cloverfield)
• Jonathan Liebesman (Battle: Los Angeles, Clash of the Titans 2 [upcoming])
• Duncan Jones (Moon, Source Code)
• Zack Snyder (300, Watchmen, Sucker Punch)

Let's take a look at these potential candidates in order of my suggestion for who to hire for this exciting relaunch...and by exciting, I mean I hope it's this:
Tony Scott - No. Just. No. He does the same thing over and over again, and that thing is cause epilepsy and nausea. No. This is clearly just a studio suggestion. Right? I mean, we're not going to get Tony Scott's vomitorium version of the man of steel...right?

Jonathon Liebesman - What's a Liebesman? I would say that while the jury is still out on the man's career and talent, he doesn't have the experience that a project like this demands. Also, you really can't have Clash of the Titans 2 listed in your resume and have me take you seriously. You saw the first one and were all "I want in on that!" Nope.

Matt Reeves - And here's where things get interesting. I loved Cloverfield, which wasn't a big movie but was an effects movie. I have heard just great things about Let Me In, which was all set to be hated by those who loved the original and ignored by those who had never dared listen to Swede talk. There's a chance that this guy is really as talented as I think he is, and he may be perfect for the gig. But...we're talking about a pretty huge jump for him. I like that he's on this list, I may even love it. But I don't recommend him as my first pick.

Duncan Jones - Oooooh, doggie. Now we're cooking with napalm. Moon was a damn revelation, and Source Code is a bigger budgeted, star-heavy (Jake Gyllenhaal) flick. Jones can nail the character, Moon taught us that. And he made that flick look like it had 10 times the budget. Again, we have the experience issue, but the confidence and style in that first effort of Jones suggests the fearlessness needed here. This is probably who I want to get it most. It's just not who should.

Zack Snyder - Okay, hold on a minute. Before you start barking about the slow-mo style he uses ad nauseum, bitching about what happened with Watchmen, or whining about the baggage that comes from hiring him, consider three things. (1) - Have you seen the trailer for Sucker Punch? Just the trailer assures me he's the guy for this gig. (2) - Watchmen was brilliant. It was. Watch it again. He's going to faithfully adapt the character in a visually exciting way. (3) - His best quality is that he understands kinetic action and frenzied pacing. Uh, that's kind of what Superman needs. I like Snyder. I like him a lot. I think he'd respect the material, wouldn't try to slather his way of doing things all over it so much as he would remedy the biggest problem: Superman is effing boring. I know that this is the least appealing of the three sexy choices (nobody wants Liebesman or Tony Scott), but it's the right one. I think after Sucker Punch does what I know it's going to do, we'll have a whole lot of converts to this way of thinking.

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Web of Lies: Halfway to a good decision

And a good Friday morning to you, my sweet bloggies. If you're reading this, I just assume you watched "Community" and "30 Rock" last night. How great were those shows last night? This great.


"Because boobies, we got em." "Dogs used to eat me, but now they bring the paper in." Yeah, just incredible stuff. And the scene where everything you thought they'd take multiple episodes to reveal all came out: Ah-Maze-Ing. "30 Rock" had some great moments of it's own, including a hilarious "Mentalist" tote bag joke.

So combine my 2-0 Chicago Bears with hilarious Thursday night shows and today being Friday and you get a great mood that someone in Hollywood must sense. The scoop is this: we have our female leads for Spider-man: We're Going to Reboot This Shit Whether We Need to or Not. What? It's still a catchier title than "Turn Off the Dark" (apologies to U2). Supposedly, the following ladies have been reading with Andrew Garfield.

Mia Wasikowska (best known for Tim Burton's sucktastic suckfest Alice in Wonderland)

Emma MF Stone (best known for being insanely talented, hot, and generally awesome)

Obviously, we have ourselves Gwen Stacy and Mary Jane, right? I don't know about the former, as all I've seen her in was a movie that made Johnny Depp look stupid. The latter, that's just pitch-perfect casting yo. The problem is going to be getting me to believe I'd want the former and not the latter because, hello look at Emma Stone. But you know what, that works for the characters. MJ was always the hottie party girl and Gwen was the sweet girl next door. What's interesting about this casting is that, if it's true (and remember, it almost never is), are they setting us up to see Gwen get offed? I mean, Stone is CLEARLY the more known actress and as hot as she is right now, I doubt she'd be willing to play "supporting actress number 2" seeing as "supporting actress number 1" is usually not given more to do than run around, get kidnapped, and get water poured on her shirt in a superhero movie. Call me interested, as this may indicate they are at least considering the storyline that broke my heart and made me a man. Not like that.

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Ryan's Junk Drawer

With great junk, comes great responsibility - "Better Off Ted"

Here's my Thursday revelation: I don't know how to mentally relax. I just don't. I get the concept. I wish I knew how, but it seems like the minute I'm about to unclench my mental buttcheeks, someone does something that makes me tighten them again. You know who I blame for this? Spider-man. Seriously. You see that quote about responsibility up there? Most people's favorite superheros teach lessons about friendship or justice or fighting evil. My favorite guy taught me (A) never let anybody down if you can physically help it, (B) you can always physically help it, (C) the most heroic thing you can do is help others, and (D) spandex shows EVERYTHING. But hey, you didn't come here to hear me whine about the undo burden of "the guy who gets things done." No, you came here to stare at that guy's junk.

Obviously, by junk, I don't mean what you think I mean, unless you think I mean movie tidbits that aren't big enough to warrant full blog posts. Then I mean exactly what you thought. We begin each week by looking at the creepy-ass image above, which is supposed to be a junk drawer from Highlights Magazine FOR CHILDREN, but is clearly a picture of part of John Wayne Gacy's kitchen. We look at the image above, pick one item from the image, and write a story about it, because doing so is amusing.

Today's item is the small round object in the upper middle of the drawer. As a young girl, Charlene had but one simple dream. While other girls were fantasizing about boys (or girls), babies (or careers), and cars (or donkeys), Charlene only thought about one thing: Building a shrink ray and capturing the moon. It wasn't just that she thought it inappropriate that the man in the moon was able to ogle all of earth, it was that she thought it would make a great conversation starter. "What have you done with your life?" they'd ask, to which Charlene could reply "I shrunk the f**king moon." Determination is everything, and after 15 years of intense study of quantum mechanics, inter-dimensional space-time warping, and watching "Twilight Zone" marathons, Charlene finally shrunk the moon. Turns out, it wasn't that great of an idea, as the changing tides and gravitational effects resulted in widespread destruction. So Charlene quietly crept to her kitchen, stashed the moon away, and never told anyone what she had done.

Okay, that's enough goofin' around, let's get to some movie news!

1.) Dear NBC, this is the event - Of course, by "movie news," I mean "entertainment news that interests me" or "whatever the hell I want." First up is the best news I could think of. These guys are indeed gettin' back together."Lost" may be dead, but "Joben Lockus" lives on! NBC has won a bidding war to get "Odd Jobs," which will not be called "Odd Jobs," on their networks. We don't know jack about the show, other than that it MAY involve black ops agents who are living in suburbia. But we DO know that it will star Michael Emerson and Terry O'Quinn, which thus makes it the most exciting show on television without having to be on television. I shit you not, this is already my favorite show. It cannot be bad. Having two actors of this caliber with JJ doing any kind of overseeing is a recipe for goodness that can't be beat. It's so good I can't believe it's real.

2.) Theory: Scarlett Johansson in leather MAY sell tickets - This just in: People want to see more of this:

Wait, what? They want to see more of Scarlett Johansson in tight leather doing flexible poses? That's insane! Why would they want to do that? Kevin Feige, the dark lord of Marvel movies, has previously briefly alluded to the potential of a Black Widow spinoff and now mentions more specifically that they've already begun meetings about it. It won't happen until after The Avengers, which is good, because so far the movie version of the character has done nothing but pose in flexible positions while wearing leather. I'm not saying I wouldn't pay to see 2 hours of that, I'm just saying unless it's going to be a silent film, we may need to develop the character first. Who knows if it will end up happening, but I think I may be interested if it does. Because I like comics. That's why. That's the reason. My interest in comics.

3.) Younger Gilmore loves murder - You have to kind of hate being Alexis Bledel. She has to keep playing these young roles, even though she's...let me check here...42. I'm kidding, of course, but she is DAMN near 30, and now she's going to play another teenager. In fact, she's going to be half of a pair of teenage assassins who, according to the writeup of Violet and Daisy, "are lured into what is supposed to be just another quick and easy job, only to find complications as the man they’re supposed to kill is not what they expected.”

Do you really believe that this innocent, adorable girl, who just shines with beauty is going to be a killer?
NO! I mean, she's so cute you just want to keep her in your pocket. And I'm sure she'll be paired with another sweet, adorable...
Okay, that girl will murder you. She will murder your face right now. My apologies to Saoirse Ronan, who I'm sure is a great actress...a great actress who will eat your eyeballs for pleasure.

4.) DC says they don't want to be successful like Marvel - I get not wanting to duplicate someone else's routine...even though Marvel and DC have been playing copycat for decades. One will do a major intergalactic crossover, the other does the same thing. One kills a hero, the other does the same thing. One figures out a way to make billions on movies, the other relegates themselves to obscurity by effing everything up and insisting they don't want to be successful.

Yeah, I'd glare at me too. Diane Nelson, president of DC Entertainment and money hater, said the following:

"People make an assumption that we're going to mirror Marvel's strategy, for example with Avengers. We do have a very different attitude about how you build a content slate." She also added, "There is not a single thing we've done that has been reactive to Marvel from the creation of DC Entertainment to today."

Good for you! Why possibly investigate a successful business model that applies to your own properties? That's a strong plan. Clearly, this means "don't count on a Justice League movie because we're keeping our characters separate." This will, of course, change in an instant if Avengers makes the kind of jack I think we all know it can. Whatever. You know, a Justice League movie would rule, with Superman and Batman together. But if it doesn't happen, it's only because DC loves being second best. Ha, take that! Marvel Zombie 4 life, yo.

5.) Trailers, parked - My brother-in-law got sworn in as a lawyer this week. He's getting married in 3 weeks. What I'm saying is, I have thought of gifts I could give him, and the best I could do is give him this: A movie starring Minka Kelly. Enjoy!

The Roommate

Gnomeo and Juliet looks stupid. It looks like Toy Story meets Shrek. Actually, that sounds like a nice thing to say, but I meant it mean. Folks, I honestly started laughing when I heard "from the director of Shrek 2 and featuring the music of Elton John." It felt like a spoof of a movie and not an actual movie. But it's an actual movie. Enjoy!



Okay, that's it for today. Let's meet back tomorrow and talk about weekend plans. Mine involves cleaning a garage. Jealous?

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Things You Should Buy Me (Volume 50)

This is the 50th time I've asked people to send me stuff. The 50th time I've suggested that the coolest of nerd gadgets, movie-related whatchacallits, and awesometastic apparel should be sent to me at no cost. I have thus far received one item from a non-family member or close friend. Perhaps this is because people understand I'm not actually begging for stuff but just showing them cool crap from the internets, but you'd think more people would fall for the gag by contacting me at film@thereader.com for my address, at which point I would get more free stuff. But no. Instead, I just keep going with the recommending and showing of awesomeness for the same lack of swag. I must really love you guys.

Here's what I want (but won't get) this week.

1.) Boldly slice - You have to love the beauty and simplicity of this one:


Thinkgeek finally puts the sperm-esque, ovular-obsessed design for the Enterprise to use in a way that Trekkies can really use. I won't even tell anyone if you yell out a good "KHAAAAAAN" while hacking through the Hawaiian pie. For only 24 bucks, you can slice your way through all the cheese and dough those Romulan bastards would take from you.

2.) I don't want this shirt, I NEED this shirt. Go here and get me this.

Seriously, if you don't desperately want that, like you can't stand not having it, you must not have had the same upbringing I did. The guy who drew that was so on point, so absolutely dialed in that I can't believe this isn't on the chests of everyone I know. It's so adorable I could scream. There, I just did.

3.) This is 5 dollars - I'm just saying that it's a Marvel mini-bust for 5 bucks. Is it flashy? No.
Is it Spider-man in his black costume? Yep. And it's 5 bucks here. Get one for yourself while you're at it because Spidey is the only guy to ever change his costume and have it be almost as cool as his original costume. Why? Because Spidey is the mother-lovin' king of all superheroes, yo. That's why.

Okay, that's it for the 50th edition of stuff you should buy me. I will look forward to you not buying me any of it and will hit you back tomorrow with my junk.

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Why you need to watch Community

As this lovely lady suggests without saying a word:
You should get your hands on this DVD. Now. Then you should watch the show on NBC tomorrow night. It has Betty White on it this week, and she's like catnip for old people and hipsters, two groups who formerly only shared a love of pants that don't fit right.

I have had several in-depth discussions with people who "just don't get Community," as well as those who do "like it" but don't recognize it's truly exceptional brilliance. I will not settle for either. You must love this show. You must never compare it to "Modern Family" because that's like saying your doodles during an office meeting should be hung besides a Picasso painting. I am prone to hyperbole, yes. I'm also right. So in the hopes of getting you to (A) buy the DVD and (B) watch the show tomorrow, I give you:

The Top 5 Reasons "Community" is Brilliant (and is way, way better than "Modern Family)

1.) Troy and Abed in the morning - It starts and ends for me with this.


If you don't love this and love these two, tell the crow that ate your heart and now lives inside your chest that I said hi. Donald Glover is as brilliant and smart a young comedian as has come along in the better part of a decade. Period. I dare you to find someone to compare him to on any other network show. Combine him with Danny Pudi, whose semi-autistic character is a one-man pop culture reference, and you have the best comedic duo on television. Again, don't talk to me about the "wacky gay dudes" on "Modern Family." They both are talented actors, but the writing is so obvious and pedestrian for them that I can literally make the jokes they're about to say before they say them. Troy and Abed can even challenge Liz and Jack on "30 Rock." Yeah, I said it.

2.) It's a sitcom about sitcoms that IS a sitcom - What makes the show inspired is how they play with themselves...that didn't come out right. What I mean is that they know what they are, they know the genre conventions of television, and while they conform to it they also mock it. It's that self-depreciating self-awareness that "30 Rock" does so obviously done a little more coyly. The most common complaint I hear is that people can't relate to the environment and setting. That somehow placing it in a college means only people involved in academia can appreciate it. Malarky! Hogwash! Bullpuckey! Anyone who has ever watched TELEVISION can relate to the show, as it is more about television than anything else.

3.) It's a family affair - You know why I love this show above all else. Troy and Abed.


You know the second reason I love it more than anything else? The family nature of it. It's a feel-good show. Sometimes to a fault, yes, but it's never ABOUT anything else. I'm lucky enough to have a great family, but this is basically a love song to makeshift families out there, with each episode driving home the message that we make our own families. It's actually really sweet. Is the message simple? Sure. But in an age when single-camera mockumentaries are the rage, it's nice to see an embracing of the sweetness of the past. Again, even if you don't like the college setting or have a great family, this show will make your happy parts happy.

4.) This chain ain't got no weak links - The cast is absolutely perfect. From Chevy Chase to Joel McHale to the criminally underrated Allison Brie.

All of them are hilarious and play their role. The biggest complaints on shows that involve romance are that the partnering up (A) takes forever and (B) are totally predictable. The cast here has made the bizarre love triangling (and rectangling) hilarious. They sell everything so hard, that you can tell they love working together. The chemistry of a cast can't be faked, and they have the best chemistry on TV right now.

5.) The Paintball Episode - I have one last pitch for you. Go here and watch the episode "Modern Warfare." If the pop culture references, the sheer glee of the show, the perfection of the cast doesn't overwhelm you, I've got nothing.

"30 Rock" is a damn close second to "Community" for me, but the schtick there is wearing just a bit thin. Everything else from "Big Bang Theory" to "How I Met Your Mother" is at best cute and charming, when "Community" gets those same feelings along with cleverness, ingenuity, and sheer perfection.

I don't have a better time watching TV all week (unless the Bears win) than I do watching this show. I urge you to watch it. I beg you to catch up with it on DVD if you're behind. Enjoy this with me, you won't regret it.

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Red hot for Snow White

First, this rumor comes from Pajiba, and they are roughly as accurate as cupping your ear in Omaha and trying to overhear a conversation in Denver. Second, I don't really care, because this rumor involves:


Third, what is with all the "dark fantasy" business? Actually, scratch that. I have a theory that it is for ladies and some men what stupid sci-fi or action movies are to dudes and some women. So, I'll allow all of this.

Pajiba is reporting that Jean-Pierre Jeunet (as if you couldn't tell by that name, he's obviously Indian) is circling the Brother's Grimm version of "Snow White" with even vaguer rumors that Nat-Po is also considering the gig. This pairing is so perfect for the material that it just feels totally fake. I hope I'm wrong. I hope I get to see the picture perfect Nat-nat running around with dwarfs that promote Marxist ideology, but I have this feeling like I will never be mentioning this again.

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Fall TV 2010 or "I MISS LOST!"

As Sinead O'Connor once noted, "fight the real enemy." Sorry, that was what she said when she made Pope confetti. I meant to say, "nothing compares 2 u." And by "u," I mean "Lost." I miss the mystery. I miss the camaraderie of the fans. I miss the music. I miss...other things.
So like many of you out there, I find myself trying to figure out what TV show could possibly at least somewhat fill the space in my heart. I'll be reviewing "Undercovers," the new JJ Abrams show, a few scattered new comedies, and last night's big premiere: "The Event." I can't promise I'll stick with it, but here we go.

"The Reaction"

First off, let's just get this out of the way:
THIS IS YOUR HISPANIC PRESIDENT? The guy who promotes a show on which he plays a Hispanic president in JET MAGAZINE?! He's a proud black man! And there's only, I don't know, an insane number of capable actors of Latin descent who would be just perfect for the role of president in your little NBC show, you half-wits! Are you shitting me? I mean, good Lord executives, NOT ALL NONWHITES ARE FROM THE SAME PLACE! How hard is that to figure out? I like Blair Underwood, and I like that minority actors are getting high profile roles, but I would have either changed his character's name and background to make him a black man, which he is, or changed actors to an actual Hispanic. Yeesh.

Okay, now that we've covered that, let's move on to what I liked and what I didn't before settling on some general thoughts...sniffle...just like we did with "Lost."

Likes

• I am genuinely interested in what "the event" itself is. That's pretty important when you name your show after the event. It'd be like if they called "Lost" "Plane Crash."
• The young blonde girl...I like her. I don't know why, but I do. Not like Evangeline up there, but she has some measure of charisma I can't put my finger on.
• I also like the gal from "ER" as the "leader" of the "prisoners." God I hope they're not aliens.
• I totally enjoyed the creepy bald dude who plays the snaky adviser guy. I wonder if he's just the nicest person in real life, because he always plays a douche.

Sadly, that's really it so far. Here we go.

Dislikes

• You are not "Lost," and adding "wooshes" to the flashbacks and music that sounds like someone imitating "Lost" does not help your case. IF (and this is a big if) your plot involves time travel somehow, as I suspect it does, then I will allow your totally disjointed, helter-skelter presentation of chronology, but right now it feels like a bad impression of "Lost's" format.
• I know nothing about any characters. Nothing. I know that crazy skinny beard guy hijacking the plane loves skinny blond girl, but I swear I do not remember either of their names and know absolutely nothing about them. Why their conversations didn't reveal more about them then plot and connection to one another is just terrible use of time. I don't care that skinny blond girl is kidnapped anymore than skinny beard guy appears to be trying to stop the hijacking. Or that grumpy dad apparently shot somebody. Characters more than ANYTHING are why we watch and come back. You can't give us a good mystery, if that's what this is, if we loathe or are disinterested in your characters. This above all else does not bode well for the show in my opinion.
• The cosmic fart wasn't impressive enough to be "the event." I hope it wasn't, but I fear it was. A blue bubble that looked hand drawn scooping up a plane? Not exactly impressive. Now, I am intrigued by where the plane went, curious as to if it was aliens or what who did it (please no aliens), and somewhat interested in the aftermath. So that's good. But the actual effect of the blue fart bubble? Not cool.

Reactions

• I think that either (A) it's time travel related, which explains the "experiments" going on at the Alaskan base, in which case the 96 people are gathered from different points in time or (B) they're somehow superpowered. I really hope it's the former and not the latter. I also really hope it's not aliens, did I mention that?
• I think this feels more like "V" then "Lost." It does look better than "Flashforward," but not by much...and that show had better actors even if the writing was bad.
• I think that it needs to quickly reveal some big things to prove that it isn't going to follow that "Lost" formula, that those big things need to be smart, and that they need to make me care somehow about what's going on because right now nameless people running from a blue fart bubble doesn't compel me.

Initial grade = C+

I will stick it out a few more, but so far I am unimpressed. What say you?

This is not a rumor, this is a promise from the future

They shall return to save us all.

From the mouth of the saddest, least talented, scuffy-faced simpleton in the world, there may just be reason to hope for a third Bill and Ted. As a huge fan of the first two films, yes that's real and not sarcasm, it does my heart such joy to hear half of the Wyld Stallyns declare publicly that he (Keanu Reeves) is working with his better half (Alex Winter) to make the return to awesome happen. You know what, I think it can work. I think there's more to be done humor wise with this series, and I think it's a perfect idea. Also, Reeves said he would love to "return to the role," as though he were revisiting Hamlet or something. I love that. I appreciate the enthusiasm, but come on, dude. You don't say things like "I would love to return to the role of a stoner dude who dresses like a gay hobo." Maybe you say something like "Times were easier then, back when people knew I was an idiot playing an idiot...and I want to go back. It's too hard to pretend I'm capable of anything else." That I can buy. No word on dates, potential plots, or anything else, but I do know that the most important half of the duo has agreed in principle, which means it is entirely possible that we will be excellent to one another sometime in the future. Awesome.

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Good news and bad news

Good morning bloggies. I'm trying to keep this rare "good mood" I've been experiencing going by stoking the fires of my happiness whenever a little black raincloud drops some urine-tinged raindrops on my head. That means that when I drop this first piece of bad, bad news I'm going to follow it with good, good, good news. Note the 3 goods to one bad ratio. That will be the key to keeping me a "happy person," although this smiling thing hurts too much to be good for my face. So, let's do this bad news business. This man just broke my heart.
That's Paul Thomas Anderson, and don't let his delightful semi-beard and tussled hair fool you, he hurt me. See, he's probably my favorite working director right now, and he just canceled his upcoming movie. The Master was going to skewer Scientology through a dramatic retelling of how it came to be, and it was going to be epic. Jeremy Renner and Philip Seymour Hoffman were going to star, among others, but apparently it wasn't a funding issue that did them in. It was Tom Cruise's threat to put aliens in the butts of whoever made the movie. I kid. He's not really a butt alien threatener. No, the problem is actually just creative. Apparently, Anderson couldn't get past some...thing in the script. We don't know what the thing is, but apparently he didn't like it and couldn't make it work. Here's hoping he can unlock the problem and reunite his cast, but even if he doesn't, even if he crushes my stupid, tiny heart with his whole not making a movie thing, you can see why I love him. You cancel a movie because CREATIVELY it's not working? That's how you should do it.

Now, speaking of better things, this one comes from the "stuff I can't make up" department.
We're going to get a show with those guys together. Yeah, you heard me. JJ Abrams is pitching a show that several networks are bidding on that will reunite Terry O'Quinn and Michael Emerson as aged assassins or spies or something living in suburbia. This description of the pitch is from like the 18th kid standing in line playing grapevine, but the fact that we know for sure is that the two of them are in a show together that JJ is shopping. Yeah, you can happy dance if you want to. We'll get to my desperate "Lost" missing in a few minutes with my next post, but you have to give it up for this concept. If anything can make the wounds in my heart heal from the absence of flight 815, it's reuniting the two best parts of it. Mmmmm.

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Weekend Box Office: Fear the might of Affleck

Woohoo!!! Not only did The Town open well, it opened REALLY well. Clocking in way above estimates, the film looks to secure financing and demand for more Affleck-directed movies. Although I'd trade places with Affie most days, today is high on the list. Also killing it was Easy A, which clocked in at double the budget for the film. That's not a bad way to make an impression. Less dramatically awesome was The Devil, which suffered from no cast recognition and Shyamalan repulsion. It could have some legs though.

Okay, enough chitter chatter, let's get to recappin' haiku style:

1.) The Town - $24 million (Accuracy of prediction - 85%)

Now that's how it's done.
Keep racking up the dough, Ben!
I think you earned it.

2.) Easy A - $18 million (Accuracy of prediction - 89%)

I love Emma Stone.
I also loved this movie.
Highest recommend.

3.) Devil - $12 million (Accuracy of prediction - 100%)

I can't believe it.
The biggest twist for this one,
is the critic love.

4.) Resident Evil Afterlife - $10 million (Accuracy of prediction - 100%)

Bye bye zombie folk.
The next time I see you guys...
will be a sequel.

5.) Alpha and Omega - $9 million (Accuracy of prediction - 94%)

Poor CGI wolf!
You can't catch a break, can you?
Good thing I don't care.

Overall accuracy of prediction - 94%

Check out that total!
WOW! I am incredible!
I like this Monday.

Okay, that's it. Go forth and be merry. See you tomorrow!

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Movie Review: The Town

My hopes were high, and Benjy didn't disappoint. Such a remarkably strong film, and although I didn't have time in the review to go into my small problems with the very end, they are minor quibbles for a film that blew me away while watching it. What a great weekend for movies.

Suck It, Damon!
The Town proves Affleck is on the ris


With The Town, writer/director/star/unfair-target-of-derision Ben Affleck pumps two armor-piercing rounds into jokes about his being the lesser of the creative forces behind his joint Oscar win with hetero-life-partner Matt Damon. Eff that noise, whatever Affleck’s staggeringly brilliant freshman directorial effort Gone Baby Gone didn’t prove, this clip-emptying, Heat-channeling, character-sketch-inside-of-a-heist-movie does. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Within the next two decades, the synonym for actor/director will be Affleck, not Eastwood.

Opening with a truly post-“CSI” bank robbery, complete with bleach pouring and total forensic awareness, The Town introduces Doug MacRay (Affleck). A former small-time hockey pro, MacRay has an engineer’s mind and a criminal’s DNA, the latter of which has a gravitational pull collapsing his life like a dying star.

During the robbery, Doug’s lifelong pal and increasingly looser loose cannon James (Jeremy Renner) takes bank manager Claire (Rebecca Hall) hostage. Although they were fully masked, the gang fears Claire may reveal something to their FBI pursuer Agent Frawley (Jon Hamm), so MacRay strikes up a risky relationship to probe her mind…and subsequently other things.

Claire, unaware she’s now under the sheets with the guy under the mask, is that omnipresent fixture in crime movies: She’s the gal you’d go straight for. But MacRay has multiple albatross anchors preventing his flight, most notably criminal mastermind “The Florist” (Pete Postlethwaite), MacRay’s former girlfriend and current pill-popping cokehead Krista (Blake Lively) and James, who can’t bear to let him go. All this adds up to the falling anvil that is “the last job.”

What Affleck’s familiar Boston safety blanket lacks in the use of the letter “R,” it makes up for in atmosphere. Refusing to succumb to the Bourne Identi-ifcation of action sequences, the steadily-shot crime feels real because of place, and the characters feel real because of Affleck’s uncanny ability to coax quietly intense performances. For instance, when Claire and MacRay’s believable courtship is interrupted by an accidental encounter with James, the subsequent tension is as brutal as Hans Landa’s pastry consumption in Inglourious Basterds. Everything from the assault rifle discharges to Krista’s heartbreaking revelations hit and hit hard.

Unlike The Departed with its kamikaze F-bomb droppage and nearly entirely yelled dialogue, The Town only raises its voice when it has to. This is not to say that The Town exceeds the quality of Scorsese’s Best Picture winner, but the fact that it is the obvious comparison point here should be enough for Affleck to walk tall. Take that, Matt Damon.

Grade = A

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Movie Review: The Devil

Here's Justin's movie review for The Devil. Folks, I'm as shocked as you are.

Devil's Day Out
Death rides an elevator in Devil
Justin Senkbile


I'm claustrophobic in my day-to-day life, but at the movies, I'm a sucker for all things small and confined, from Ingmar Bergman's stark chamber dramas to George Romero's original Dawn of the Dead. Just put some people and some tension in a room and I'm there. With that said, director John Erick Dowdle's Devil still surprised me.

From the first shots (hugely disorienting, beautifully simple zooms into an upside-down Philadelphia skyline) to its final scenes, Devil manages to get nearly everything right. Most importantly, it embraces its simplicity when most other films would scramble to hide it.

The above mentioned skyline views eventually take us into a large office building, from which someone has just jumped to their death. According to the voice over, this suicide is setting in motion a bloody chain of events. As detective Bowden (Chris Messina) arrives on the scene to investigate, five strangers enter the building for appointments and end up in the same elevator, which soon stops working.

Inside, there's a security guard (Bokeem Woodbine), a salesman (Geoffrey Arend), an ex-Marine (Logan Marshall-Green), a high-strung older woman (Jenny O'Hara) and an apparently affluent young one (Bojana Novakovic). As their time in the elevator elapses, strange things begin to happen and, one by one, they inexplicably start becoming corpses.

The whole concept is basically that Satan has come to Philadelphia to mess with people for a day. If you have a problem with Devil, it'll probably be this premise, which I'll admit is a little silly. But the movie's creepiness comes not from the potential presence of the devil, but from the simple idea of people in a box going crazy. The “twist ending,” if you can call it that, is hinted at early and often, and you'll have a much better time if you ignore it altogether. Unfortunately, the devil ends up becoming Devil's only problem.

M. Night Shyamalan, the executive producer and man behind the original story, has his name all over this thing. And if that name is bringing good things to the screen and people in to see it (debatable these days, I know), then he certainly deserves some credit. The real praises, though, belong to Dowdle, whose impressive directorial instincts, along with the solid work of his relatively small cast (Messina in particular) make Devil a creepy and intense late-summer surprise.

Grade: B+

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