Cutting Room Floor is home to a sea of snark and snippets about upcoming movies, rumors about films, and other assorted nonsense. Sure, the information is mostly accumulated from other reputable sources, but the sarcasm is 100% home grown.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Big day for me
I have no independent sources. I have no people on the "inside"...or the outside for that matter. The only leak I've ever been privy to involved my shower and when someone uses the term to describe what they're about to "take" in the bathroom. So although it may not be a big deal to anybody else, the fact that I broke movie news this week is about the most exciting friggin' thing I've ever experienced.
It started like this: I received an email with the new Green Lantern plot synopsis (revealing a new main bad guy). I posted this article. As you can see, the open-minded, kind souls on the Internet universally accepted this information...which is to say that my friends were nice and strangers seemed to insinuate that I needed to stop huffing polyurethane. But Pietro over at ComicBookMovie.com was far more kind and willing to show me the kindness of "pulling an anti-Fox News"...meaning he was willing to actually check my info for accuracy. Turns out, I was right! Pietro then did the nicest thing and credited me with the info and gave me some great encouragement for this little ole blog. Then came the big moment for me....Slashfilm picked up on the ComicBookMovie.com story. So in one week, I went from "dork who overuses variations of the word douche too much" to "dork who overuses variations of the word douche too much and lies about Green Lantern" to "dork who overuses variations of the word douche too much and told THE TRUTH about Green Lantern!"
Look, it's the little things, folks. I don't anticipate getting rich from this gig. I'm just a guy who loves movies and loves talking and writing about movies. Thus, this is pretty much the tops for me right now, as a great genre-movie-site (CBM) and one of the biggest movie blogs in the world just covered a story I got to first. Good day, people...good day.
Well, the good news is that as fast as the Sex and the City tramps arrive, they leave. What I mean is, they usually are super quick out of the gate and then fall of drastically because they have a loyal but small fan base. They're like Twilight for older, non-cat ladies. Whereas those gals have small appeal, everyone wants to touch Jake Gyllenhaal, especially when his abs have abs as they do in Prince of Persia. This means a big box office duel this weekend, and I'm sticking to my guns. I think PoP beats out SATC2, but just barely. Then again, I'm wrong so often I should work for Fox news.
Here's how I see the weekend box office, haiku style (oh, and this is for the 4-day stretch from Today through Memorial Day...I will not be blogging that day):
1.) Prince of Persia: Sands of Time - $62 million
Always bet on black. But you NEVER bet against, Jake Gyllenhaal's abs.
2.) Sex and the City 2 - $60 million
Have fun out there, girls. You have a loyal fan base. Too bad they are wrong.
3.) Shrek Forever After - $40 million
We have our first flop. How bad do you have to feel? You're the worst Shrek flick.
4.) Iron Man 2 - $19 million
Keep flying, Tony! I want Marvel flush with cash. It's Avengers time!
5.) Robin Hood - $12 million
Bye, bye Mr. Crowe. By the next time we see you you will be larger.
Okay, that's it. I'm out on Monday like the rest of you good Americans. Remember loved ones and those who died for the country, have a great weekend, and smoke some weenies for me.
E! Online is reporting that ABC, the only entity taking the loss of "Lost" harder than I am, is contemplating a reboot of "Alias." Allow me to be the first to say that when it comes to miss Sidney Bristow, I'll go George McFly on your ass. HEY YOU, GET YOUR DAMN HANDS OFF OF HER! That's Sidney Bristow...the ONLY Sidney Bristow. See, it's like this, ABC thinks they can revive a JJ Abrams property they've already had before and "fix it." You don't "fix" things this great. Were there missteps in "Alias?" Oh yeah. Problem is, most of them involved LISTENING TO ABC. The show, which is about a superhot spy who is involved in double crosses, double-double crosses, and the occasional double-double-double cross (but never a menage-a-tois), was blasted for being too "bogged down with mythology" and for forcing viewers to "have to watch every episode." You know, the very things that made people love "Lost." They want to redo the series WITHOUT Rimbaldi, which means nothing to many of you but is causing seizures in those of you who are like me. This is like saying "we should do Star Wars but lose that 'Force' stuff, it's too weird." So, what you really are pitching, ABC, is a generic spy show. Um, NBC is launching "Undercover" this year...which is a JJ Abrams series about a couple who happen to be spies. At this point, I'm hoping that E! Online's sources are as believable as the reality TV stars on E! Entertainment Television. This is to say I hope they're more full of crap than a Kardashian. If they really want to capitalize on the series, why not bring back J-Gar up there (who last I checked was not particularly busy) to do a follow-up movie? That would be great...provided it had some Rimbaldi in it. Sometimes it amazes me that people can be so dense as to hate the thing that makes the thing good. So far, I'm poised to cut ABC out of my life (dance with those stars, suckers).
The easiest way to explain this is SAT question style: Spiderman is to Ryan, as Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is to Cameron. Now, don't get me wrong, my beloved cartoonish fetish spouts phrases like "With great power, comes great responsibility" whereas his says "Cowabunga," so that formula isn't perfect. Still, I remember the interminable suffering I experienced whilst waiting for them to finally make a live-action version of Spidey I could truly enjoy. Let's face it, although thrilling in the 1990s, the original non-animated TMNT movie eventually led to this:
I included this clip because it featured Vanilla Ice giving his rationale for why he accepted the job. Previously, I thought the answer was "during this time in my life, I just do whatever the great Lord Satan tells me to. If I disobey, he'll instantly take my fame away and leave me starring in a Vh1 reality show with a dude porn star, and nobody wants that." Anyway, Cambo, buck up buddy because we have some real movement on a live-action turtle flick that presumably doesn't involve the worst rapper this side of Andy Rooney. According to Deadline, Michael Bay's Platinum Dunes production company is going to be stepping in to help the $60 million flick get rolling. This involvement means we're likely going to actually see this sooner than later, as this company gets shit done, yo. See, turtle-lovers, there's nothing to worry about, whenever Platinum Dunes and Michael Bay is involved, you know the story is the single most important thing. Oh, and April O'Neal will now have size 38 DD breasts, all of the turtles will be equipped with rocket launching machine guns, and at least one of them is going to be crazy racist. GOOOOOO TURTLES!
A few years ago, I saw a trailer for a British comedy show called "No Heroics," which looked as hilarious as Ashton Kutcher's serious face. Then I never heard about the project again, partially because I do not live in England. Here's what it looked like.
Whenever the bizarre embargo against America by the British DVD makers ends, I will rent it and laugh. I mention all of this because it seems like the guy who wrote that is perfect to adapt The Runaways, Brian K Vaughn's comic book about a bunch of superpowered, well-intentioned teenagers who are the sons and daughters of supervillains. So, it's a good thing Deadline says that's exactly what is happening. Personally, I'd just let Vaughn do it. He wrote a few of my favorite episodes of "Lost," so he has screenwriting chops, and nobody will know better how to serve the story than the guy who invented the characters. But you know what, it's Friday on a three-day weekend, so I ain't gonna be naysaying and pissy (that sounds like a pricey bar drink, "I'll have a naysaying and pissy"). I'm just happy that the movie is happening at all, and if someone else has to do something, I'm glad it's someone who seems to get the more human side of superpeoples.
Every birthday holds within it something different. For example, this morning I woke up to the nauseating smell of polyurethane floor sealer (we're finishing the hardwood floors), the discovery that a critter had gotten into the outside trash, news that someone at my job had failed to check in properly and thus we had both spent the entire last week duplicating work, and the following two comments from readers of this here blog: Regarding my scoop on the villain of Green Lantern, I was told "You received an email regarding highly sought after information that if any other entertainment news outlet received would have made BIG headlines, and it's supposedly legit? Really? No offense (nah, I take that back) but that's a load of crap. I'm a member of the Warner Bros Press site and receive all of their official press releases. This is not one of them" and by a different fellow who was much more to the point, "Yeah right. That "official synopsis" looks like it was written by a 12 year old." But you know what I did? Stood outside until the nausea passed, double bagged my spilled trash, confirmed with my job that it wasn't my fault for the duplication, and responded to the naysayers with a completely honest response. I told them, "Hey, I wouldn't believe me either!" and offered to forward them the email I received so they could judge for themselves (it is, by the by, totally 100% legit). Point is, at my age, you make your own birthday joy. Nobody's passing out cupcakes in your honor.
Okay, so on to why we're here (well, why you're here...I'm here because my parents did it 32 years and 9 months ago). It's not only my birthday, it's a Junk Drawer day. And since I only do Junk Drawer on Thursdays, this convergence of special events only happens once every 150 years!!!! What's that? I'm being told that is not accurate. But what better way to celebrate my arrival on this planet than by showing the world my junk. As you know, by junk I mean movie news too small to warrant its own individual post and not "what my momma gave me." We always begin by looking at the creepy image above from Highlights Magazine FOR CHILDREN and selecting one of the items about which I write something nonsensical but hilarious (to me). Today's item is the knob on the drawer. When Ethyl first bought the house, she noticed something was different about it. The whole thing felt...alive! When she moved in, she started noticing something about the windows that peered out from the front and the way the door was centered in the middle, almost smiling. It wasn't until she noticed that the junk drawer handle seemed to get firmer when she touched it that she realized that the whole thing was....ALIVE!!!! As it turns out, whenever Ethyl needed twine or other junk and grabbed that handle, she was tweaking the house's nipples.
Yeah, I just wrote a fake story about house nipples. Why is it people won't buy my "breaking news" again? At any rate, here's the tidbits worth mentioning this week.
1.) Atlas WILL shrug, DAMMIT! - They're shooting Atlas Shrugged on June 11. Producer John Aglialoro has set that start date hard in stone, according to Deadline. Just one problem...he doesn't have a cast...like, at all. Although he's claiming that he's trying to get Maggie Gyllenhaal and all of her double letters to join in or to sway Charlize Theron (who I kind of like now after her "Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis" segment) to sign on for the lead. I sure hope they have some time in their schedule RIGHT NOW! Slashfilm.com points out that independent films work this way all the time. Except, this isn't some tiny production. Aglialoro paid a million buckaroos (dollars, not bonzais) for the rights. I admire his moxie, the cut of his jib if you will, but I somehow doubt that this will happen. Funny story, when I first started the column Cutting Room in the paper copy of the Reader, someone took the time to type in a story I wrote about Angelina Jolie's then involvement with Atlas Shrugged. It was on some weird Ayn Rand fan site, where my name remains to this day. I was kind of honored, but also kind of freaked out. So, crazy devotees of Rand and her really morose and dense book, please don't stab voodoo dolls of me or whatever witchcraft it is you do if this latest project doesn't happen. Deal? And before you accuse me of being insensitive to the Randians, tell me how creepy the gold dude is that's on the cover of their shit. He's coming for me. Look how angry he seems...and I don't even want to know what kind of "Dr. Manhattan" show of horrors will occur if he turns and faces me.
2.) Losties, get ready for something gooooooood - By this point, you've either seen the finale or you are a spoiler-avoiding ninja. Get ready for a "sick dodge" on this one: In addition to the news that Walt will, in fact, make an appearance in the extra footage shot for the Season 6 DVD, I have more news...news so good you won't believe me. Remember the awesome exchange between Ben and Hurley in the sideways world about how Ben was a "great number two" and Hurley was "a great number one." They shot it. Yeah, you heard me. They shot it. At least 12-14 minutes of it. So, we may be getting answers to questions like Walt AND a glimpse of "Afterlost" (as someone smarter than me dubbed it) that follows Ben and Hurley for awhile. I'm in heaven. Well, they are, but you get what I'm saying. How great is that?! I love that the producers are embracing the mediums that are offered to them. Why NOT include extra stuff on DVD? If the problem really was that you were constrained by the limits of airtime from ABC, then enjoy the unlimited restrictions of home video. I officially can't wait until August. The island is never done with me, is it? It's after the finale and I'm once more waiting for more "Lost."
3.) The shortlist for Spidey is 100% Effron- and Twilight-free - I'm not going to get too excited about this, on account of how stupid a new origin story is and all, but THR's list of the people Sony has on the shortlist for Peter Parker is more encouraging than I thought. Whereas I was sure this was going to be cast out of the last issue of "Tiger Beat" (they still make that, right? If not, it was a magazine that had young male hunks in it for teenaged girls to swoon over and not a feline soft core porn mag), it looks like they really like limeys. Jamie Bell, Andrew Garfield, Alden Ehrenreich, Frank Dillane, and Josh Hutcherson. Now, I know what you're thinking...THE Alden Ehrenreich? Oh yes. That's right, Tetro's Alden Ehrenreich. Household name? Nope. Hearthrob? I doubt it. Last name sounds like a final maneuver in Hitler's army? Oh yes. I don't know jack squat about these guys, all of whom have some level of experience but not much. My money is, like everyone's, on Hutcherson, who has actually done big-budget movies before (Zathura, Journey to the Center of the Earth). Feel free to IMDB these suckers and see what you think. I would do it but I'm afraid if I type in Garfield and Bell, I'll get some joke about Odie's tongue.
4.) Run, Logan, Run!! - THR.com's Heat Vision is reporting that Carl Rinsch, who did that excellent short film a few weeks back and just-so-happens to be Ridley Scott's son-in-law, just landed the director's seat for the remake of Logan's Run. This project has more starts and fits than an epileptic in rush hour traffic. I won't walk you through the entire directorial shuffle that has taken place to this point, but let's just say that Rinsch is likely going to be replaced by the time I finish typing this if the past is any indicator. For those who don't remember, Logan's Run is about a society in which people who pass a certain age are killed. It's sort of like what Sarah Palin said the heath care reform was like, only more realistic. As for who will play the lead character, a man who once hunted down those who refused to accept their termination but is now running himself, it will likely be someone young. I say the official shortlist should be whoever doesn't get Peter Parker. So if you don't wind up playing Spider-man, you may play Logan. Wow, now that's a nerd joke.
5.) Trailers, parked - I have but one rule: If you put Rachel McAdams in it, I will go to there. Period. Even though you may cast her in some generic-looking romantic comedy with Diane Keaton, I will go to there. If you title it something stupid and wholesome-sounding, I will go to there. If you poke Harrison Ford with a stick until he angrily wakes up and include him in that movie, I will go to there. There is nothing I won't do for a little McAdams. Plus, it doesn't hurt that Morning Glory (groan) is somehow a Bad Robot production. It does hurt that the writer also wrote 27 Dresses. Still, I'm seeing it for the love of a woman.
Next up is The Killer Inside Me, which stars Casey Affleck (totally underrated dude) as a bad, bad man. The film noir tale was blasted for its horrifying misogynistic violence, although I heard a defense of it that was pretty compelling. Basically, the director said that when violence against women is glossy and not totally vomit-inducing, THAT is the disservice. I'm not sure if I buy it. Further complicating matters, the violence is against Jessica Alba, who cinematically deserves whatever happens to her. Judge for yourself whether this is something you can handle.
Finally, even though it's my birthday, here's the new Twilight: Eclipse trailer.
Now, if someone could just tell me why the wolves from The Day After Tomorrow are so pissed at those pale gymnasts dressed in black, I think I could totally get on board. Also, I believe the film looks like it was shot in Alaska, so I am going to blame Palin for this one too.
Okay, that's it for a birthday edition of my Junk Drawer. I'll be back tomorrow for a Friday that should launch us straight into Memorial Day weekend! Huzzah for 3-day weekends, right?!
Ladies and gentlemen, the most amazing thing has happened. No, Kevin Costner has not volunteered to plug the oil leak with his body. No, something even better. Someone after years of me begging has contacted me at film@thereader.com, asked for my address, and sent me stuff. Yeah, you read that right. They sent me stuff. What happens when that happens? Well, there's an alarm that sounds immediately in the Syrek household (the sound is the clip of Matt Damon saying "MATTDAMON" from Team America). I then spring into action, investigate the goods, and begin celebrating the ever-lovin' doody out of whoever sent it.
Ladies and gents, I got the following: That's right, I'm the proud owner of a Dharma Shawarma T-shirt AND a golf ball with the Dharma Initiative logo on it. WOWZA! The gift came from Robert Murphy, whose blog you need to straight blow up. Go HERE to read the rantings and ravings of a fellow Lostie whose opinion I greatly respect even if we disagree on how things wrapped up. He was so generous in sending these gifts, and has made me a life-long fan and reader of his. Again, his blog is http://ramhatter.blogspot.com/ so go to there and read up.
Also of note, I received a Lost shirt from my wife for my birthday as well! She gave it to me early (my birthday's tomorrow) so I could wear it for the Lost festivus event we had on Sunday. Here's me in action.
Stop staring at my chest.
Okay, now that this column seems to have actually produced goodies for me, I should probably take it more seriously. I should, but I won't.
Here's my inspired-by-the-fact-that-it-actually-worked cool stuff to buy me for this week:
1.) Learn your ABCs, bub - If you're looking for something to decorate your kid's wall with but are afraid that you may turn said child into an insufferable wuss with the wrong choice, may I suggest the following: Sean Gordon Murphy has drawn Wolverine and friends in different poses for every letter of the alphabet, and yes prints are available at Murphy’s Deviant Art page. What a great way to say to your son and daughter "my desire for you to read goes hand in hand with my passion for hairy Canadians who stab people." Trust me when I say that your children will thank you.
2.) I MUST have this one, for real - I love Pixar, this is as much of a secret as Ricky Martin's formerly closeted sexual preference. I have to say that Slashfilm.com made my day when they showed me that Josh Cooley, an artist for Pixar, shares my passion for Golden Books, those little books you used to read as a child. Why? Because he's making "Movies R Fun," an inappropriate little Golden Book-styled work that is going to have illustrations done Pixar style of crazy film moments. What do I mean? Just look at these three images. The book and prints will be available via Cooley’s Blog. Seriously, how great is that? I can't wait to proudly display this weird blend of my childhood experience and my adult passions. And trust me when I say it is hard to even write a sentence that has childhood, passion, and adult in it without feeling dirty.
3.) Landscaping just got a whole lot more badass - Nerdapproved gets me. I don't know if they've crawled inside my brain or what, but somehow they knew that my landscaping recently has made me feel like I'm losing part of my stupid masculinity. What did they do? They found me this: These are flower grenades. They break apart, are biodegradable seed holders. Yeah, you heard me, when you want to plant these flowers you throw them like grenades at where you want them. This is not a drill, folks. You want to go to HERE ASAP. I can't tell you how many men would be more willing to plant flowers if it involved weaponry. This is genius.
Okay, that's it. Thanks again to Robert Murphy for really kicking down the door of what will surely be an onslaught of free goodies for me.
I don't like talking about Megan Fox. Why? Well it's like David Cross once said in relation to Evanescence: "I don't like things that suck." Yet because her vacuous insides are covered by fleshy parts that make men "feel like their bodies are smiling" (a line from the brilliant Mystery Team, which you should really go buy right now dammit), everyone is talking about little miss bought-some-jugs. As we already know, she is not starring in Transformers 3. This much is fact. Whether she quit or was fired is the subject of much internet speculation. Ah, the internet, so much potential, so much discussion about Megan Fox. Anyhoodle, the thing got interesting for me when I read a particularly angry story that suggested Fox had simply had it with the abuse heaped on her by Michael Bay. I know, hard to believe that a guy who practically used a camera to goose an actress in Transformers 2 may not know how to treat women. Combine this with a boatload of stories of pretty-young-things who were abused and damaged by the explosion-meister, and you've got me going all Keith Olbermann with my suggestion that Michael Bay is the Worst Person in the World. Now he's about to cast the following hot body as the new generic love interest in Transformers third attempt at ruining modern civilization. That's Rosie Huntington-Whiteley. She's purty. She's also never acted before a day in her life. Bay cast her apparently based on the commercial he directed that featured her alongside a bunch of other bra-busting beauties. Now, replacing Megan Fox with a model who has never acted does seem relatively fair. What isn't fair is that Bay gets to be a giant robo-douche unchecked just because he can incoherently lens shitty action movies. He participated in creating racist robots in his last film, bullied a bunch of young women around, and is casting based on breast size and that's it. Michael Bay, I hope you get eye herpes.
I've mentioned before that one of the more intense internet back-and-forths I ever got into was with a gentleman at "Some Country for Old Men." I love how I just made that sound like a war veteran recalling a particularly nasty scrape he was in. "Yeah, it was ugly back in aught 9. We discussed Inglourious Basterds so violently, we knew that it could only end with one of our rotting corpses...and even then, the yelling would continue in hell." It was a typical, hyperbole-laden argument with me trying to defend Tarantino against someone who hates on him, which somehow turned into me seemingly arguing that Tarantino cries tears of gold and poops perfect celluloid and the other guy saying that the director has single-handedly ruined moviemaking. It was as reasonable as teaching calculus to a dog. I now think of that heated online spat every time I post a rumor about the lantern-jawed foot fetishist. Thankfully, Slashfilm.com compiled a whole bunch of QT rumors in one place for me, so we don't have to draw it out. First up, Variety noted that the handsome fellow illustrated above will be roasted by the Friar's club on October 1. Gee, how could you possibly make fun of this guy. He's just so overwhelmingly normal and reserved. I'm actually more concerned about his response speech, during which he's likely to break so many standards of moral decency with his mouth that Vivid "actresses" will be impressed. Second, there's a rumor (and I do stress rumor...this is apparently someone's cousin telling a friend of a friend who heard it at a liquor store) that QT is scouting Austrian castles. The theory was that it was for his take on Dracula, which I have no use for. He's already done vampires once with From Dusk Til Dawn and I don't need another iteration of Bram Stoker. However, someone was quick to point out that his locale scouting COULD be for Inglourious Basterd's prequel/sequel thingie. Now that...that I'm totally down for. Finally, they're making a movie out of The Switch, which is the novel by Elmore Leonard that preceded "Rum Punch" (the movie on which Jackie Brown was based). I adored that film, especially Michael Keaton's role. This adaptation is said to have nothing to do with Quentin himself, but he gave it the thumb's up, which sounds cool until you consider where that thumb may have been. All I know is that I hope we get a new film by him sooner than later, no matter what others on the Internets think.
I just received the official description of Green Lantern's plot (no, I don't have "sources"...yes, this was sent as a mass mailing to many other people). I haven't seen this information yet anywhere out there in the blog-o-verse (but I didn't try very hard). Is everyone aware that the official synopsis is
In a universe as vast as it is mysterious, a small but powerful force has existed for centuries. Protectors of peace and justice, they are called the Green Lantern Corps. A brotherhood of warriors sworn to keep intergalactic order, each Green Lantern wears a ring that grants him superpowers. But when a new enemy called Parallax threatens to destroy the balance of power in the Universe, their fate and the fate of Earth lie in the hands of their newest recruit, the first human ever selected: Hal Jordan (Ryan Reynolds).
Hal is a gifted and cocky test pilot, but the Green Lanterns have little respect for humans, who have never harnessed the infinite powers of the ring before. But Hal is clearly the missing piece to the puzzle, and along with his determination and willpower, he has one thing no member of the Corps has ever had: humanity. With the encouragement of fellow pilot and childhood sweetheart Carol Ferris (Blake Lively), if Hal can quickly master his new powers and find the courage to overcome his fears, he may prove to be not only the key to defeating Parallax…he will become the greatest Green Lantern of all."
So, they're going to use Parallax in the first movie? In using the internets to research the origins of Parallax (remember, I'm a Marvel zombie, not a DC Dunderhead...I kid because I love), I discovered two things. First, parallax apparently started off as some kind of "impurity" or "thing." I don't get it, but apparently it was both the thing that gave the Green Lantern ring vulnerability AND later became the villain Parallax. Although I doubt anyone who has read to this point will consider the following a spoiler, be warned if somehow you've managed to blunder your way this far without knowing that (gasp) Hal Jordan was Parallax. I don't know who Hal Jordan's first villain was in the comic books, but I know it wasn't himself. I have no idea how they're going to incorporate this. Are they basically doing what Fantastic Four 2 did to Galactus (meaning castrating the character into lameness) or is there some way in which this can work? I'd love some input from DC lovers who know better than I do.
The second thing I found on the internets was this: I'm going to say it: Ryan Reynolds has really lost a step.
Other than his absolutely pitch-perfect Legolas in The Lord of the Rings trilogy, I have no use for Orlando Bloom and his pretty face. He sucks. Bad. Elizabethtown's only purpose should be to serve as "Exhibit A" in a trial of "People with Taste vs Orlando Bloom." So after years and years of wanting something terrible to happen to his kisser, I'm going to likely get my wish. Variety is reporting that Bloom will play the villain in one of the dueling Three Musketeers movies (the one directed by crapmaster Paul WS Anderson....so, yeah, probably won't be excited about this one). As much as I think certain stories are timeless, does anyone wonder why Bloom is considered to be timeless insofar as he's only cast in movies that take place in the past. Cue Keenan for my "what up with that" question. Do we believe that people in the past were wooden, overacted whenever dealing with any kind of conflict, and all looked like they deserved a wicked face beating? The only exciting part of this is that I get to root against Orlando...provided I can make myself sit through a movie by the bad Paul Anderson. I still think Paul Thomas Anderson should beat the crap out of Paul WS Anderson just for his name alone. I would also pay money to see that. He should beat him up by swinging Orlando Bloom at him. Okay, enough, I'm loopy today.
I'm not a math whiz, so help me out. Salon talked to Dominic Cooper (you don't know him, so just assume he's young and handsome), who said he'd be playing Howard Stark (Tony Stark's papa) in Captain America (I'm not calling it The First Avenger unless a congressional mandate specifying me by name says I have to). That's all well and good, until you start adding. What do I mean? Okay, let's fudge some numbers a little. Let's say that Captain America takes place at the verrrrry end of the German conflict in World War II. That's 1946. We know from Iron Man 2 that Howard Stark was creating technology and stuff during that war. Okay, that's fine, we all know he probably built Cap's shield. Nice to have on your resume. So if Howard Stark were a GENIUS, like a GENIUS GENIUS, he'd be what, 17 years old in 1946? That means he was born in 1929. Again, Dominic Cooper has got himself a baby face, but he don't look 17, but watch the math play out. Provided that Howard got his reproduce on at a late age, let's say 40 years old, that means Tony Stark would be born in 1969, which makes him 41. Again, that's provided that Howard was 17 while designing war technology and had Tony when he was wicked old (I mean, not Larry King old, but you get the idea).
So what does this mean? Well, nothing. I don't care if Tony Stark is 41...or 50. It's fine either way. But it does illustrate a concern of mine with this Marvel universe they're creating: They have to be careful not to shoehorn too many connections in. Comic books do this stuff organically, and I know it's not second nature to these guys, but maybe some more comic book writers should be involved. Someone should be asking what it really adds to the story to have these connections going on, not "hey, you know what would be cool." Friends don't ask friends "hey, you know what would be cool." Friends just do cool things and have other friends appreciate the coolness. This has been a blog-version of a "More you Know" NBC PSA.
Martin Scorsese could walk into a room, tell me with all seriousness that he's about to make a big-screen version of According to Jim starring Alanis Morisette as Jim, and I would be totally pumped to see it. So, despite my reservations, I'm definitely intrigued by the news that The Eyebrows says that he wants Bobby DeNiro and Al "Droopy Dog" Pacino to be Dean Martin and Frank Sinatra, respectively. Sure, the last time that these two were relevant the Internet was but a gleam in Al Gore's eye. If Marty says they can do it, they can do it (I guess). Would it make me feel better if they looked like this: Instead of this: Yeah, yeah it would. Then again, as much as I have reverence for Sinatra and Martin, it's more of a concept than a personal alignment with them. I'm now wondering who that group of singer/famous people are going to be that define my life. Am I going to one day be watching a biopic on Eminem and Dre? That'd be fun. Anyhoodle, they're likely going to have to go with a "golden years" take on it, because there is only so much magic that CGI, latex, makeup, wishes, and willpower can achieve.
Weekend Box Office Results: Maybe people didn't go see Shrek because of "Lost?"
I know I dedicated pretty much all day yesterday to "Lost," so maybe there's just a huge crossover between Shrek audience members and "Lost" fans. Right, and maybe there's also a big crossover between people who own a Lindsay Lohan record and Nobel Prize Winning physicists. The reality is, Shrek 3 sucked butt. Shrek 4 looked like butt. So nobody went to see Shrek 4. Okay, not nobody. $70 million is a ton of money, but not for this series. Every prediction had it doing something like $100 million, so this is unquestionably a big fat sign that we're finally done with Shrek. Also interesting: People apparently did not care that reviews for MacGruber were generally quite positive. They did NOT care to see it. I'm a little surprised, although I still hold out hope for a slow burn. Maybe people will flock to it later? Guessing not.
Okay, I'm tired, I've got a lot to do. So here's the final tallies (haiku style):
1.) Shrek Forever After - $71 million (Accuracy of prediction - 72.5%)
This isn't my fault. The last few did huge money. People don't like crap?
2.) Iron Man 2 - $27 million (Accuracy of prediction - 96%)
Keep on flying, man! You're the early summer champ! Let's see if it lasts....
3.) Robin Hood - $18.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 98.5%)
So much for a flop. It is even holding well. You go, sweet fat man!
4.) Letters to Juliet - $9 million (Accuracy of prediction - 79%)
Oh YEAH! I forgot! It's the only female flick. It wins by default!
5.) MacGruber - $4 million (Accuracy of prediction - 45%)
Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch No new movie stars are born. At least they have jobs.
Overall accuracy of prediction - 78%
Well, I guess that's it. I did not have a good week. But I did love "Lost!!!!"
I was busy writing a Summer Movie preview and getting ready for/watching "Lost" to be productive enough to also review a movie this weekend. Thank God for Justin Senkbile, who turned in this!
G.I. Joke Macgruber versus the legacy of SNL films by Justin Senkbile
How can you possibly stretch Macgruber, the briefest of "Saturday Night Live" sketches, into a feature-length film? Well, you can't. Director Jorma Taccone (one third of The Lonely Island), along with co-writers Will Forte and John Solomon, apparently realized that, as opposed to Wayne's World, for example, where the characters were already fleshed-out beforehand, they'd have to invent Macgruber before they could film him.
The hapless dork we know from the show, who always sidetracks himself with trifling conversation and runs out of time before he can de-fuse the bomb, has been developed into something quite unexpected. Here, he's more of a misguided egomaniac than a simple fool.
He’s been playing dead for nearly ten years, but explosives expert Macgruber (Forte) is suddenly brought back into action when a massive nuclear warhead goes missing. The thief, Dieter Von Cunth (Val Kilmer), who also happens to be Macgruber's arch-nemesis, has plans to hurl the bomb towards Washington D.C. during the State of the Union address.
Macgruber, of course, isn't about to let that happen. With his team members Vicki St. Elmo (Kristen Wiig) and Lt. Piper (Ryan Phillipe), he sets out to stop Cunth and save America.
It's not nearly as funny as one would hope but, if nothing else, Macgruber is a pretty perceptive parody of 80's action movies and Reagan-era patriotic paranoia. Many of the interior scenes are flooded with that gaudy, soft white light that used to indicate romance, the stakes are the infinity of American pride, and the villains are all eastern European.
To make all these ingredients work together, Macgruber needed to be a little less twisted Dr. Phil and a little more bloodthirsty G.I. Joe. Unfortunately, the laugh-ratio seems to suffer because of this.
This shouldn't give the impression, though, that the Macgruber here really has a handle on much of what's going on, or that this movie isn't as loony as any other big screen "SNL" offerings. Macgruber's obsession with a certain license plate number is a wonderfully stupid touch, as are two of the weirdest sex scenes in recent memory (which come back to back, mind you).
The important thing here is that Macgruber, in spite of its shortcomings, doesn't come close to being one of the worst "SNL" films. When it's funny, it's very funny, it just unfortunately doesn't do justice to Forte's talent, or to the brilliant sketches from where it came. Grade: B
Talk to the Flocke: Reactions to The End of "Lost"
To every dear friend, family member, or kind stranger who truly didn't like the final journey of "Lost": I feel so bad for you.
I really do. Not in that way where I am looking down on someone like they're some kind of idiot for not thinking that something I love is cool. I get it. There are 100% perfectly acceptable reasons to dismiss it or not like it. You could hate that Dharma did, in fact, end up being just a plot device that wasn't all that meaningful. You could hate that they left a big ole boatload of questions unanswered (the most recent one: what exactly did setting off the bomb do then?). You could hate that there was some angle, some aspect of purgatory that made it's way into the final resolution of the show despite what you felt was an iron-clad promise made by the creators that such a thing would never happen. Those are completely justifiable, completely warranted gripes and complaints that you could levy after having spent 6 years trying to wrap this all up in your mind. I totally get it, it's fair. I don't think it's "wrong" that you feel that way. I just feel sorry for you.
Why? Well because last night I felt moved emotionally and spiritually in a way that I literally have never felt moved by any piece of popular culture. Because I felt closer to my wife and friends and closer to my religious beliefs. Because to me, in terms of the show's finale, what mattered in the end was really what I said mattered: they completed these characters. Even the little notes (the joke about Christian Shepherd's name, the fact that Hurley did become the island protector, the reunification of all couples) were so spot on. To me, this final episode was never about what absolutely had to be in there or not in there. It was about how I had to feel. And I felt that way...oh boy did I ever.
If the producers and creators of this masterpiece of a series failed in any regard, I believe firmly it was not a failure to commit to film the exact story they wanted to tell. Their failure was, at times, to be too ambitious and all-encompassing in their storytelling method. Their willingness to follow Dharma as long as they did to more-or-less pad the series accidentally led to something crazy: it was so beloved, so popular, that somehow a plot device took on a life of its own. The writers failed to firmly reign in little loose ends that they knew wouldn't matter in the end. That was a little mistake, as some people couldn't "move on" from them, if you will. I am willing to allow a few missteps to be made in crafting a piece of art 120 hours long. What I'm saying is this: there are going to be two kinds of people who watched all of "Lost." There's the "yeah, but what about Walt" group. And there's the group who will consider this the best, most moving, most thoughtful television show in history. If you're in the former group...hey, it's been a hell of a ride, right? Like Ben, you're going to be sitting outside the church, still working things out. I love you all the same. If you're in the latter group, come on inside. We've been waiting for you.
I'm going to break down this finale just like I do all the other episodes, then I'm going to allow a few days to pass before really tackling things again. Feel free to share thoughts and concerns, we don't have to stop that just because the show is over.
What I liked
I could really do this in an infinite number of parts, but let's do this a little different. The show had two parts, really. Let's look at them.
The Island
I loved how there was a literal cork keeping hell out. I just loved it. It was Eden or the point of creation or something of that nature. Removing the cork let the light escape and let the darkness in. If there's no light, neither of the island's protected protectors had any power. They were just human for a moment. Thus, the epic fight began...and ooooh did I love that epic fight. Maybe my favorite action sequence in "Lost" ever: Jack jump punching as they cut to commercial. I squealed on that one. That brutal battle. That look of confusion on the Man in Black's face as he couldn't figure out what had happened. Priceless. Then you get to the ultra-classic sequence that will resonate for years and years in my mind. Jack surrendering the island to Hurley, Hurley taking Ben as his number 2. Let's face facts, that was a love letter to the fans and nothing more. Two beloved characters: One finally getting the only thing he's ever wanted (Ben, who just wanted to matter) and the other finally realizing that his special ability to love others and spread kindness wasn't just a small trait, it was a huge. The island mattered. If you care about the mythology of the show, the actual events that transpired, they were brought to a conclusion. The threat to the island was extinguished when Jack killed the Man in Black. Widmore is dead, the island was purged of people who were trying to do it harm...heck, it was purged of its people period. It had a chance to start over. So Eden or "the source" or whatever you want to call it went through its greatest period of challenge to the "light" that it puts out into the universe, and Jack and his friends overcame it. Oh, bonus points for Kate putting the bullet into Flocke. She did matter, huh.
The Sideways
This is where it gets tricky. Mind you, I am still not wild about the sloppy storytelling (the whole Kate and Claire episode), but I will say this: I get why they did what they did with it. Yeah, it was purgatory. It was a holding area for people who loved each other to gather, waiting for each other to finally be able to move on from the shackles of a human existence to something bigger, something better. Just like The Matrix, even though these people tried to create for themselves a world where they had everything they wanted (Kate wasn't guilty of that crime, Sawyer never killed the wrong man and was on the right side of the law, Jack had a son who loved him, Desmond had the respect of Widmore, Charlie was a rock star, Claire still had her baby, Sayid saw that Nadia was still alive, Sun and Jin had each other, Hurley was lucky, Locke had his girl and so on for others I've forgotten), they couldn't make it feel "right." It's like Agent Smith said to Morpheus in The Matrix, when the robots tried to create a utopia for the humans, their minds couldn't process it. The sideways was flawed to them. It was a mutually created way to find each other, which is why they kept bumping into each other so much. Remembering that time is totally flexible there, meaning we could have had 5000 years of Hurley and Ben running the island (which I would watch, by the way), they had to wait until the last of them was ready to move on. Jack was the last of them. Of course he was. Even with his journey on the island, he was still a stubborn SOB. Of course he couldn't let go for the longest time. Oh, but when he did...when he reunited with his father (his REAL father) and walked out into that group of people who he loved and who loved him...I hope that's what it's like folks. I hope that when we move on from this mortal world that we're able to find one another. It was pure poetry for me. I cried then when I watched it, and I'm kind of crying now writing this.
Things I didn't like
Chest hair sandwich - Seriously? Why even knock Lapidus on the head on the submarine if he's just going to show up looking ridiculous in time to fix the plane with the weirdest collection of survivors ever? Leave him in the background and for God's sake don't "kill him" only to bring him back.
Ben's under a tree, no wait... - OH NOES?!?!?! BEN IS UNDER THE TREE!?!?!?! Oh, no wait, he seems to be better now. Oopsie daisy in the editing room boys.
Claire lived - How did I never get a Claire death scene? How did I watch this show for 6 years and nobody dropped a tree on her? Seriously?
Man in Black - I will never stop thinking that not knowing the Man in Black's name is the best metaphor for the few major mistakes on the show. Why create a mystery, INTENTIONALLY CREATE A MYSTERY, with (A) no intention of solving it or (B) no idea how to solve it? They should have just given him a name. That they didn't was lame.
Sayid and Shannon - Look, Shannon is a cutie, right? But they spent 6 seasons telling us that all Sayid wanted was Nadia. Then he sees Shannon and his brain gets all borked. He's with SHANNON for all eternity? Eh. I would have had Nadia show up in the church still. I would have had Sayid's "wake-up moment" be seeing the people he saved on the sub, reminding him he died in a noble way. I would have had Boone and Shannon in the church together (not all creepy together, but because they did love each other) and that would have been that. Then again, as mean as they treated Sayid during this last season, maybe they just wanted to reward him by letting him make out with Maggie Grace again.
Answers
The flash sideways is purgatory, but the island was real.
The Man in Black is dead.
What was in the cave was the absolute source, a literal cork.
Desmond's plan was to awaken everybody and move on.
Reflections
Mysteries abound - Look, as much as I'm defending this finale (and the show itself), I'm not saying I won't rush to the season 6 DVD and look at those 20 minutes of additional answers. I want to know things like what was the plan for Walt? What did the bomb do, really? I could go on, but I don't want to linger on that for now. I'm happy now.
Battle lines - So far this morning I have received angry texts, drunken facebook posts, scores of upset tweets, and heard from others who were displeased. I also sat there with my wife saying "God, it was so great," got an incredibly moving email from my cousin, and talked to several friends who thought it was perfect. Welcome to your next few months (maybe years) of talking to people who watched this show. Unlike "Battlestar Galactica," which I briefly thought I liked until my friend Andrew pointed out how bad it was, I know that I will staunchly defend this finale and this show forever. I adored it. I felt so good about the ending that I couldn't imagine anything in its place. So, I welcome the challenge. Let's talk it up. If you are on the other side of the line, that's fine. We'll chat about it. It's the gift that keeps giving. Remember this: No truly great work of art is universally embraced. That's just now how it works. Great works of art are divisive.
I would say that I'm sad right now that this is my last official "Lost" post. I'm not. I feel good, whole somehow. This episode was my favorite in the show's history. How did they get that so right? They really did nail the landing. I give it an A+. For real. I mean it, I want this to continue. I want to keep talking about this whenever you want. I'll look for comments here today and I'll post something soon about deeper thoughts upon reflection. For now, just know that I still feel how I did when I started writing this. I feel sorry for people who didn't love it. I wish you felt like I do right now.
Sayid (Can't) Kill Someone and Other "Lost" Predictions
Let's really roll around in this a little, shall we? If you're here reading this, you love "Lost" like Brick from Anchorman loves lamp...but our lamp goes out for good on Sunday night. Thus, let's start things off with some laughs.
First up is a hip-hop tribute I found rather clever.
"Now like Sun I need some gin" that's great. Continuing the funny, we have the sporadically hilarious Sarah Silverman's interview with the producers. There's some salty language, but you can handle it.
Best line in that one hands down: "I couldn't help but notice that you're both huge f**king nerds."
Okay, even raunchier STILL (seriously, there's lots of discussion of island ugly-bumping...you've been warned). Really, really NSFW. Also, totally hilarious. It's comedian Sarah Benincasa, who I adore, recapping "Lost" without ever watching it. She rips on the show a lot, but it's totally hilarious. Seriously, though, really offensive in its abject hilarity.
When she said "then there's the others...which are...um...black people. And everyone else is afraid of them"...I thought I was going pee. Now that's funny.
Last but not least, Michael Emerson pronouncing everyday words creepy.
I will never again think of blue eyes in the same way.
Okay, so now you're laughing. Here comes the pain. By Monday, we'll never watch another new episode of "Lost" again. Deep breaths, it's going to be okay. Fine, it's going to be okay-ish. I don't want to spend too much time TODAY lamenting and wailing and gnashing teeth about the absence of the greatest scripted show in television history. That's for Monday's reaction column, which will be the first blog to ever taste like tears.
Today, I want to share with you two stories and then some predictions. The first story is a very personal one. Those of you who are Facebook friends with me have seen constant posts from James Syrek, "Cousin Jimmy," as I often call him to friends. When I lived in Illinois in the fifth and sixth grades, he and I were tight like Troy and Abed. Because life is stupid at times and for what can only be described as "for no good reason whatsoever," Jimmy and I fell out of touch. Then, at some point, we both simultaneously realized that we're super-nutso-bonkers for this show. We started sending emails every once and awhile...then started commenting during live episodes...then started sharing thoughts daily and generally freaking out together. Oh yeah, and we also started talking about other things. Before I knew it, a decade of pointless separation melted away. I've talked before about what "Lost" meant to me when the show started, coming at a really transitional point in my life. It also is the reason I have an old friend back. So, say it's just a TV show all you want to. You're right. It is. But it's also way more than that.
The second story is about my dad. Dad doesn't much get excited about a lot of television or movies, unless things explode. Then he'll watch it and say it was okay. Dad loves "Lost" and has from the first episode. He found out a few days ago that he had a meeting slated to run Sunday night from 7-9. Figuring that was life, he thought he'd DVR it and watch it Monday. Only...he's got to go out of town on Monday. Okay, fine, Tuesday. Well, Tuesday we're doing a get together for my birthday. Wednesday is another out of town trip. So Dad did what anyone would do. He moved his entire work schedule around so that he can race home on Sunday and be home just in time for the episode itself to begin at 8. This is a grown man with a job and meetings and such rearranging his life to get home in time for a TV show. I love it.
Okay, before we get started into the predictions for this, I have some people to thank for these. I'd like to call this "mad shout-out time." In no particular order (I mean that): To Cameron, thanks for all the constant commenting, theorizing, and idea sharing. To Andrew and Jess, thanks for the longest discussion I've ever had on "Lost" (even if it dovetailed to you being SOOOOO wrong about the dominant musical movement of the 90s) and for everything. To Jason and Heather, fellow participants in said longest discussion ever, thanks for ramping my excitement up and for your great attention to burning corpses. To the Hastings watch group, you made every tournament fun, and thanks for commenting! To Lynnette, serious thank you for the prediction I'll make in a minute regarding how to dispose of a smoke monster. To James, thanks for the awesome "sideways saves all" theory that will be discussed below and for, you know, all the countless conversations. To Abbie, thanks for enduring my obsession and actually joining in it (and for, you know, everything else in life). To every family member, friend, or ally I've forgotten, I love you guys and love how much we all love this show.
Okay, before I lose the will to type this. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give to you:
MY FINAL PREDICTIONS TO EVER BE TERRIBLY WRONG FOR "THE END."
1.) Kill it with fire - Talk about how things come together. My friend, Heather, was discussing waaaay back in January how she thought there was significance to bodies being burned. Lo and behold, Jake tells everybody very explicitly around the creepiest soylent green fire ever that once those flames die, he does too. Combine this with my friend Lynnette's reminder that the producers sure did hammer us over the head with Adam and Eve's skeletons again...and you get how I think they will try to kill Smokey. I think that Jack, downloaded with the power of the holy island spirit, has come to this conclusion. I think he'll send Kate, Hurley, and Sawyer to go dispose of said skeleton while he heads Smokey off before he can arrive at the light source. Of course, I don't think he's going to be successful in staving him off forever, but what we'll have is a "race to the finish" to see what happens first.
2.) Sharing is good - When the creepy mother person said that there's a little of that island "source light" in everybody, I think she may have given a clue as to what the finale may hold. Doc Jensen noticed this as well, and the theory holds that Jack will not be forced to remain the island's protector in perpetuity. Rather, he will decide that the best way to protect the light is to share it on a grander scale. I think he's going to find a way to share this with everyone. It sounds all fluffy and whatnot, but if done well it could be really powerful. There is a large, vocal contingency that feels Jack was given the throne a little early to have him keep it. I disagree, but this may be a way to give us a more happy ending. Of course, having typed that, I now disagree with myself. So, I'm calling bull on my own prediction having just made it.
3.) Desmond-splosion! - So help me God if they brought Des back just to have another purple flash in the sky... My theory is this: Jack loses his struggle with the Man in Black. Desmond gets involved to give the gang at the skeletons just enough time to get the burning over with. I want to see something really crazy and unexpected for the finale, something like Desmond fighting the Man in Black in various realities at the same time, unloading some crazy electromagnetic energy on him Return of the Jedi style, or at least going supernova (without the wimpy purple sky). I so badly want this build-up of Desmond's importance to be really paid off. Somehow, I have this feeling it's going to be like the "war" we never got. I sound angry, but I'm not. Honest. I'm just realistic.
4.) Crisis on infinite earths - Knock on wood but 2 days from the finale I remain spoiler free. The only thing I've let myself hear are brief things like the producers saying "the last 2 and a half hours will change the way you see the entire series." I like that. Especially because I think there's a neat trick they can do with it. What if what we've been seeing since the first episode hasn't been centered in one universe but MANY universes. What if the flashbacks weren't always in one reality, but many realities. We keep thinking that either the flash sideways OR the island time will survive...but what if they both are very much real. What if we've been floating around all sorts of realities? I personally like this a lot.
5.) Sideways to the rescue- I don't know how, but I agree with my cousin when he suggested that the sideways gang with Desmond as Hannibal from "The A-Team" is going to somehow save the island when the island fails in that reality. How, I don't know, but I'm guessing it has something to do with the underwater island. Where did the light go? Is it out in that world? Tough to say. I like that I'm in the dark on this one because I feel like there's a little life left in this march to the finish. I hope the sideways is a massive payoff that makes us all feel stupid for loathing it.
Okay. That's it. That's all of my predictions for the finale. I know they're meager, but I want to be surprised so I think I'm semi-shutting my brain off for now. I want to kick it into high gear once the show starts, but I really want to enjoy this experience. For those who didn't see, apparently the producers are going to include a little 20 minute segment on the DVD of the sixth season explaining a few loose ends they "didn't have time for." On the one hand, cool. On the other, "didn't have time for?" Weren't you douchebags the ones who set your own timeline? Uh, why didn't you just finish it in the regular season. Let me help you: cut out the second episode of this season and you have enough time to get to everything. Sorry.
Enough complaining! I'm going to seriously banish every complaint and criticism for now. When the show is over, some time after it's over, I will look back as critically as possible and pass grander judgment. For now, I'm going to kick back and enjoy a moment 6 years in the making. Share it with people you love and share it here.
Speak now or forever hold your piece, if you have a prediction...it's now or never.
You'll notice this isn't my last post of the day. Nope. I have an epic "Lost" finale prediction section to get to before this is all said and done. So, I figured, let's get the Shrek talk out of the way now. Yes, this movie is going to do all sorts of money, aided in part by the first $20 movie ticket ever. If you just puked in your mouth, know that your puke tasted like 3D. This is the price we pay for excess, more breeding excess. We also have MacGruber opening this week, and I think it may actually have some measure of staying power. It's not going to be blowing people away opening weekend, but considering your other option for a laugh is to either (A) guffaw at Russell Crowe's waistline in Robin Hood or (B) pretend fart jokes are still entertaining with Shrek. Plus, I love Kristen Wiig with every fiber of my stupid heart, so I'm hoping she comes out a winner on this. Alright, enough's enough, if I'm going to get to my epic "Lost" predictions, I have to wrap this up.
Here are the box office predictions for this weekend, haiku style:
1.) Shrek Forever After - $110 million
The least they could do is be clever with spelling. FOUR-ever after?
2.) Iron Man 2 - $29 million
This one may wind up lower than was expected. It's still effing huge.
3.) Robin Hood - $18 million
Like Russel Crowe's belt, when it comes to box office, this will not hold well.
4.) MacGruber - $15 million
I smell a sleeper... as in a slow-burning hit, I don't sniff dreamers.
5.) Letters to Juliet - $7.5 million
First there was Dear John. Now Letters to Juliet. At least she can read.
That's it for the predictions. If you're a Lostie, be back here in a few hours for my final predictions ever!!!!!
If you're anything like me (you aren't, I checked), there's only one thing on your mind right now. Oh, no silly billy, not the epic 2.5-hour finale to "Lost!" Why no, it's who will be cast as the new bait, errrr, characters in the upcoming Scream 4! Gee whilickers, I can't count the hours of sleep I've lost thinking about who will step into the role of "first to die" or even "second to die!" I get so wound up imagining the depth that some starlet can bring to "girl who gets shanked in the face." Well, hold on to your pantaloons buckaroos, we finally have word on who is in the running for these coveted roles sure to be etched in acting history. Holy guacamole! We also have info on the intricate, nuanced plot as well! Apparently, original Scream-ers Neve Campbell, David Arquette, and Courteney Cox would be back (at least briefly) to introduce us to the new meat puppets about to get poked with something sharp. The lead character is Jill, and she's the cousin of Campbell's character (ooooh, clever!). Jill's friend, a nerdy film geek (HAHAHAHA! is there any other kind?!), and Jill's boyfriend are also involved, as is a police officer who knew Campbell's character in high school. Are you ready to find out what quasi-famous pretty people are up for these deep, rich roles?! BOY HOWDY SO AM I!!!!
In the role of Jill...we have....ASHLEY GREENE!
I'm told that Miss Greene was in something called Twilight. I don't know what that is, but aw shucks does it sound peachy keen!
In the role of the film geek, we have....HAYDEN PANETTIERE!!
Doesn't she just look like a big ole nerd! She was on a show called "Heroes," which I'm told people watched for a bit before they realized they didn't have to.
In the role of police officer-who-used-to-know-that-girl-from-the-first-movie, we have...LAKE BELL!!!! Isn't Lake a nifty name? I'm going to name my kid Pond. She was in It's Complicated, which I don't remember because I am not menopausal. She's also starring in the upcoming A Good Old-Fashioned Orgy, which sounds wholesome!
Finally, in the role of "boyfriend," we have...RORY CULKIN OH DEAR GOD MY EYES!!!! THEY BUUURRRRNNNN!!!! KILL IT WITH FIRE!!! IT'S LIKE MACGUYVER AND MACAULAY CULKIN HAD A BABY...AN EVIL, EVIL BABY!!!
Well, that's your young cast of Scream 4, I hope you had a swell time finding out how durn good this film is going to be. Also, Rory Culkin will come for you in the night. Don't fight him. It's best not to fight him.
I mostly keep track of time by how often I find myself writing this junk column. Again?! We've made it through another week AGAIN?! Why that's as shocking as it is spectacular! Before we get started, a quick note to whoever has been blowing up this blog lately (especially clicking the crap out of the ads). I love you to the utmost allowance of the law given that you technically are sending me money (I ain't going back to the pokey on no prostitution charge again).
As you know, I named this column my junk drawer in part because the metaphor worked and in part because it allowed me to make a juvenile reference to "showing people my junk." Yes, I do get paid (minimally) for such cleverness. In reality, this is the place where I show off all the movie news that's too small to warrant its own blog post. We begin by looking at the above image from Highlights Magazine (FOR CHILDREN), which is terrifying to me for some reason. We (and by we, I mean I) then select an item from that illustration and make up a story about it for funsies. Today's item is the fuzzy cord in the middle. Tito had spent his whole life terrified of spiders. He dedicated his life to inventing new and better ways to kill them, ranging from "Whack-a-Spider," a spider-shaped mallet, to "Spider-b-Gone," a spray that released a cloud that would follow the spider, raining acid down upon it. Tito thought of little else in his life. Sadly, the last thoughts he ever had were the following: "OHMYGOD IS THAT A GIANT SPIDER IN MY JUNK DRAWER WITH LEGS LIKE A MINI OCTOPUS" and "Is this technically an ironic death?"
Okay, that's enough nonsense. Let's get right to the good stuff! Here's the news that's mostly fit to print.
1.) Like I've always said, don't worry...Costner's on it - What I'm about to tell you is going to sound impossible or at the very least ridiculous. BP has called Kevin Costner to ask for his help cleaning up the oil spill in Louisiana because of an invention he paid for while making Waterworld. No, you haven't switched to the new Hallucinogenic Mint flavor of Crest Toothpaste nor did your spouse finally cause blunt force trauma to your cabeza while you slept. I'm not making this up, the New York Daily News says that Costner paid scientists millions of dollars to make a device that could purify ocean water. They succeeded in creating something that used centrifuge technology to render oil-laden water 97% pure (the other 3% contains Costner body hair). They have devices in various sizes, the largest can purify 200 gallons per minute. I'm serious, stop looking at me like this. I'm not that clever. I couldn't come up with something this ridiculous on my own. Look, here's a newscast talking about it.
See! So, on the one hand, thank God for Waterworld, right? On the other...I don't want Kevin Costner to be responsible for anything good. I don't want to even accidentally respect him. So, let's pause a minute and talk about his press conference attire. Kevin, when you're part of a team that CALLS the press conference, feel free to wear something slightly more upscale than your beer-stained drinkin' polo. This wasn't ambush journalism...you called this conference. Also, it appears to be quite cloudy, so feel free to take your sunglasses of when you address the people who, for once, actually care about what you're saying. For the next few minutes, you are the donor who helped create valuable technology, not the guy who did Swing Vote. I know you're convinced that your unprotected stare may cause ladies to instantly drop their panties, but those days disappeared with your hairline. If your machine, which appears in the video above to make wine not clear oil, actually works, I'll say something nice about you. Promise.
2.) How bad do you have to be to NOT star in Transformers 3- So far, the only people who appeared in the last Transformers who aren't appearing in this next installment are two racist robots and Megan Fox (and people have supposedly seen the racist robots on set). Claiming it was "her choice" to exit the series, Fox will be replaced, although Michael Bay promises that the quest to find an incredibly hot actress with little talent will be a challenge he may spend years on. Fox, who has committed what I believe to be career seppuku, is set to debut her terrible southern accent in the sure-to-be-a-bomb Jonah Hex before moving on to finding a cure for her toe thumbs. Most kidding aside, I don't think Fox realizes that she's a flash in the pan. There are zillions of pretty boys and girls in the world. Unless she is able to find something that fully plays to her strengths (presumably a 3D silent film), she's going to disappear faster than Costner's hairline.
3.) Tim Burton to cast Johnny Depp as a psychic, teenage Japanese girl? - Okay, that's a little presumptuous on my part. It's entirely possible that Burton could cast his wife, Helena Bonham "OHMYGODDOSOMETHINGWITHYOURHAIR" Carter as the teenage Japanese girl with psychic powers in Mai, The Psychic Girl. The director is adapting the 1980s era manga comic about a....okay, you get the idea. He was supposed to do this awhile back, but it would likely have not fit his "must repeat myself exactly for the next decade" life plan. Now, he's revisiting the project and it is said to be next on his list. Latino Review has some interesting thoughts on the matter, and if I may crawl out of my angry shell for a moment, so do I. This has the potential, and that is just potential, to urge Burton to at least try something different. I see no fairy tale aspects (it's more sci-fi), I see no immediate place to put the two actors I mentioned above (other than maybe some kind of father and mother cameo), and I see no way in which the gothic style he's repeated ad naseum would instantly transfer here. Let's call me cautiously optimistic that even Burton has gotten sick of Burton.
4.) I'm less horrified that this is going to be a movie and more horrified that it's a book - Someone spent presumably hours of their life writing "Blood Oath," a novel with the tagline "The ultimate secret. The ultimate agent. The President's vampire." Someone else then presumably read that novel (or at least the back jacket of it) and said, "let's make that a movie." Now, Heatvision is reporting that we are going to see a movie about a vampire spy. Let that wash over you for a minute. A vampire spy. When I claimed that Twilight was going to ruin the world, I apparently was understating things. We now live in a reality with vampire secret agent movies where Spider-man will be rebooted to capture more of the Twilight-esque teenage romance. I'm not nearly drunk enough to be recounting these events. Also, to the guy who wrote "Blood Oath": Stop it. Just...stop it. If you have the self-control and patience to actually finish a novel, you have the potential to correct your life before it's too late. If you write a sequel where there's a werewolf working for the KGB, I will stab you with a spork. Also, you can't write that now because I came up with the idea first. Someone get my agent on the phone.
5.) Trailers, parked - I'm not going to make you wait another minute for my favorite discovery of the day. The film is called Iron Sky. You're going to want to see it. Why? Well it's a Finnish-German production filmed mostly in English. It's supposedly got humor to it, although I didn't see much in the trailer. Oh, and it's based on the premise that in 1945, Nazis fled to the dark side of the moon and have now returned to take over earth. Here you go!
There really aren't that many other interesting trailers out at the moment, so I'll just leave you this time to rewatch that one again. Seriously. Nazis in space.
Talk to the Flocke: Reactions to the "Lost" Episode "What They Died For"
First off, did we really ever answer what they died for? Did I blink and miss it? I mean, I heard Jacob say "Come sit down and I'll tell you what they died for" right before they went to a commercial break that, I shit you not, was welcomed by a death scream by yours truly. That was like being woken up with an ice pick. So, I'm not even being sarcastic here, I need to know if I was so overwhelmed by the moment that I've been waiting for for at least 5 years (involving Jack...we'll get there) or so blown away by the fact that I was FULL-ON engaged with the flash sideways world for the first time that I totally blanked on "what they died for." You're going to need to remind me if I did. I must have suffered some kind of temporary amnesia that can only be rectified by reuniting me with a long-lost loved one as we may or may not be about to be electrocuted, provided there's a hairy-chested useless dude around to say something like "Looks like somebody remembered important happenings from last night's episode" while smirking.
In case you couldn't tell by my jaunty attitude and flippant remarks, last night's episode was a slam-dunk for me. It was hands down my favorite episode of the season, as for the first time from start to finish I really don't have a single complaint. I'm sure I'll think of one, because I'd hate to leave a whole column blank.
Before we dive in, two things: (1) They answered a key question that I'd been tossing around for awhile now with various people without really drawing our attention to it (YAY FOR RESTRAINT ON THE PART OF THE WRITERS). Remember how Jacob's "people" committed the purge? Well for a long time, I couldn't figure out how that would ever be warranted, how GENOCIDE could ever be supported by the "good guy." Well, we know now that the Dharma peeps were getting close to the island's heart light (thanks Neil Diamond) and had to be stopped. It's not the best way to do things, perhaps, but remember that they had specific places they were told they couldn't go. They past them and were killed, just like the nameless Mother protector of the island did to the people the Man in Black was with. Yay for answers! (2) A friend of mine sent me a link to a site that had nothing but clips of Claire yelling about her "BAHYBEE" and "CHARLEEE." You should go here and laugh a lot.
I'm still angry at Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse for their attitude and decisions recently (Evangeline, show them my rage).
But this episode represented all that is "Lost" to me in a nutshell. People will disagree and tell me I'm exaggerating, but I mean this. Because of the work that it did bringing me back in for the finale, because of the moment it had with Jack, because it was perhaps the best paced episode in the show's history, I'm going to say it: This episode makes my top 5 all time for the show. Ya-boo baby, I loved it. So, let's get into some specifics and let me see if I can convince you of its greatness.
Things I liked
Jack the hero - Wow. I am man enough to tell you that I got seriously choked up during Jack's willingness to stand up and declare his commitment to the island. That last test, when he said "This is what I'm meant to do" and Jacob asked "Was that a question" and Jack shook his head no...wow. Without knowing it was a life sentence (really, a many-life sentence) to protect the island, Jack has come to know that he is meant for something great. For all the missteps that the show has taken at times, it has presented a meaningful character who has truly evolved as the show went on. Props to Matthew Fox and all the writers for really making a sincerely worthy flawed hero. I hope he gets an Emmy nomination for this one.
Jacob the vanishing - Now, I don't know the ins and outs of how and why Jacob needed to burn the last of the ash to be fully dead. My theory about the kid is that it was, in fact, Jacob as a young kid. He was, in fact, being resurrected to take over again. At least, that's how I read it. I understood that the boy was Jacob aging back to Jacob age again, and that had he not burned his ashes and picked a successor, he would have been doomed to come back again and again. In fact, I think he gambled. I think had the fire burned out, he would have been gone with no protector on the island. He knew the time was right to go and that Jack would step up. Thing is, unlike the Man in Black, he didn't want to simply die or go home for the sake of being freed, we found out that Jacob has been looking for penance for his mistake. Using the cork metaphor, Jacob went from being the island protector to being the guy charged with keeping a monster he created there. For a long time, I think we thought of those two tasks as one and the same. They aren't. I think the island needed protecting, but Jacob MADE IT so that there was an evil on that island by what he did to his brother. Now they need to kill the bastard so that both brothers can rest. Here's hoping we don't get a ghost version of the two of them standing there playing a game like Anakin and Yoda playing Dejarik.
Sideways the interesting - How was I suddenly captivated by the sideways? Oh, right, because I can watch Ben do anything...because it felt like things were happening...because DESMOND WAS THE MAN! Seriously, how could you not enjoy the exploits of Desmond the enlightened as he set things into motion. Plus, Ben got his face beat in again. Now that's a "Lost" theme I missed. I loved the way things finally came together, that Hurley was totally, 100% in-the-know now, and that Jack and Locke are going to have to go through this last part together. I love it. I will say that I'm pretty confused as to what Desmond's plan is. What does "let go" mean? It sure seems like he doesn't mean let go of the island timeline, as he's reminding them of it. Does that mean they have to let go of this sideways world? I'm fascinated now. This doesn't forgive them making these sideways stories boring as hell for months, but this is interesting at the right time.
Ben the killer - Oh, I loved Ben's redemption. For the record, I think he's still on the side of the angels in this. Nobody said that him accepting his place and wanting to help people meant he had to forgive Charles Widmore for indirectly murdering his daughter. I loved that we got Widmore's intent revealed. He WAS out for the island for the wrong reasons. Then Jacob said he had to help and he believed him. I buy that. I also buy that Ben can still be a good guy doing good things but had to kill Widmore for all he had done. Redemption doesn't mean you're a saint. I love nasty Ben and it was nice to see him one more time. I will say that flash sideways Ben reminded me that I need to follow Michael Emerson in whatever his next project is. I could watch him in a romantic comedy, I swear to you. I could watch him do anything. Those moments with Danielle were just great. Also, weird prediction, I think he's going to be a problem when it comes time to "let go" because he so deeply loves what's happening in that alternate reality.
I really could go on and on here. I could go on about how much I loved the frantic pace of the episode, how it spelled out exactly what it is they need to do from here on the island (they have to kill Smokey), how Sawyer apologized, how Kate grabbed Jack's hand while stitching her up and leaned her head on Sawyer's shoulder a scene later, how Jacob reminded everyone to stop bitching about their lives being mucked up since they were crap, how he explained Kate's name on the wall being crossed out (don't bitch, it was a great explanation). I could go on and on and on. This was in some ways The Empire Strikes Back episode of "Lost" to me. The show had to put the worst case scenario forward (only instead of being captured in carbonite, their friends were dead), it had to set up the stage for the final conflict, and it had to move briskly as the middle piece. It was damn near perfect.
Things I didn't like
I thought Richard deserved better. Widmore didn't, but Richard did. They could have at least showed his body.
Answers
Jack is the new island protector - To all of you who said Jack wouldn't be the choice: Nanny. Nanny. Boo. Boo. It may be obvious, but it was also earned. There are some out there saying he may not STAY the protector for long. You may be right. I just want it on record that he was "the one."
The boy is Jacob - We DEFINITELY know that now.
Widmore's intent - He was good, then he was bad, then he was good again. Now he's dead. Sadface.
Desmond ain't killin - How he knew Locke wouldn't DIE when he ran him over, I'll never know. But we can now confirm he wasn't trying to kill Locke but help him "let go."
Kate's name - She was a candidate! She was only crossed off because she was a mother.
Chosen for a reason - Presumably everyone brought to the island was brought there as a potential replacement, but only one stuck. They were all chosen because their lives were flawed but they had great promise. I like this.
There may be more, but I don't remember. Help a brother out.
Reflections Killing in the name of - Hey, you know what would have helped our heroes out...if Jacob mentioned how they could kill the MiB (oh, AND HIS FRIGGIN' NAME). I like that this is the plan, but I have no idea how it will be achieved. My gut says that all they can really do is try to send the MiB into the cave one more time, but I'm not sure that will work. Other than that, who knows yo. Jack the mighty - "Now you're like me." Whoa. Are we going to see Jack zapping around in the past touching people? Are we going to see him with crazy powers on the island now? He can make people live forever...is he going to touch Kate? I know I would touch Kate. Yes, I meant that exactly how it sounded. Sideways convergence - I could not be more excited to see where Desmond's plan leads. Also, I can't wait until we see him on the island again. Where is he? He's the "fail safe?" Will he explode then? I'm guessing that him being "immune to electromagnetism" means that when Smokey goes Smokey he can't hurt Desmond. I like this. I can't wait to see this play out.
Okay, so I give the episode an A. A straight-up awesome A. Now for some housekeeping. I'll be back on Friday to this subject, giving predictions for the end of "Lost." Then, on Monday, I'll be wrapping things up. We'll revisit this from time to time, it's not going to end here. Let's just all rejoice in the fact that this finale seems to be poised to deliver exactly what I wanted. I honestly can't remember a ton of questions I still want addressed, so they've hidden that well. I mean, other than the whole "why, God, why do you think it's cool to hide the Man in Black's name" question. Anyway. Get to discussin' folks, time is short!
