Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

Hey beautiful blog puppeteers. You really pull my strings, you know that? I've crossed my needed payment threshold early because of you sweet, sweet ad clicking nuggets of joy. Combine that with this being a Friday, a payday Friday at that, and the fact that it's poised to be a very productive finish to the week for me, and you get the rarest of all sightings: A Ryan Syrek good mood. Howsabout them apples? Oh, sure, I'm tired, but I'm also about to predict that Inception will hold over for the third week as number one. I don't think I have ever been more proud of the American movie-going public as I have been these past few weeks. You're talking about Inception, analyzing it, recommending it, seeing it twice...and it's paying off. I promise you that right now, between this and District 9, studios are suddenly looking for the right combination of artistry and originality instead of only looking for remakes. Oh, they'll still do those like crazy, but this really has ushered in a huge change I think. I love you all so much. I'm about to make some predictions and then peace out on y'all since it's Friday and you have better things to do.

Here are the haikus for this week:

1.) Inception - $28 million

This has brought me joy.
Box office domination
is finally sweet.

2.) Dinner for Schmucks - $25 million

I love you, Paul Rudd.
And I don't care who knows it.
No one tell Abbie.

3.) Salt - $18 million

This should hold quite well.
I should say it will "preserve."
Tell me you get that.

4.) Cats and Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore - $17 million

This isn't real, right?
I am imagining this.
This should not exist.

5.) Despicable Me - $15 million

Despicable what?
This thing just keeps making cash.
Have respect for that.

WILDCARD - Charlie St. Cloud - $15 million

Dead kids are freaky.
They are almost as creepy
as pale Zack Efron.

Okay, that's it gang, have a slam-bang weekend for me, okay?

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This is why JJ Abrams rules

You can't really hate on JJ Abrams. You can try. If you're one of those small people who feels this compulsion to take part in every backlash imaginable because you covet the success of others and have a tiny no-no, then you can rage against several of his projects for no good reason. But the truth is, the guy makes entertaining features on screens both small and big. Without him, I would never have met


(I miss you so much, Evangeline, please come back to me in some way, I don't care how). And I would have never even known about
(I don't care how good The Town looks, this will remain the best work Ben Affleck has ever been a part of). So not only does JJ make incredibly fun and cool films and TV shows that introduce women I will love until someone pries the internet out of my cold, dead hands, he is also going to try to make a movie that will bring steampunk into the mainstream.
Boilerplate will be produced by JJ and is about the world's first robot invented in the late 19th century. The image above is a steampunk Iron Man, just to give you a flavor for what we're talking about. Shoving this fictional robot into real-life historical battles will be incredible, if they're able to capture the beauty of steampunkness, which nobody really has done on screen yet. Something about the genre, which is all about impractical ways to design and power awesome modern technology with old sources of energy, just makes me giddy. Some of the designs for steampunk things are so awesome I don't even know how brains imagine them. And now JJ is going to bring it to the big screen. See? He rules. Now, if he puts Evangeline and Jennifer in a steampunk setting, he will hit the trifecta. How is it a trifecta? You get two points for casting either of those goddesses, that's my rule.

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Lars Von Trier can feel free to punish Kirsten Dunst

I'll admit that Lars Von Trier doesn't make movies for me. Really, he doesn't make movies for anyone, as he simply shovels them like coal to feed the fire that fuels his Godzilla-sized ego. But he REALLY doesn't make them for me, as I am neither intrigued nor compelled by the mere sound of something like Antichrist, which has been described as so horrifyingly misogynistic that it makes "Mad Men" look like "Fear of Flying." For those who aren't offput by misogyny (way to be a douche), there's always the genital mutilation of Willem DeFoe, a crime doubly disturbing because it requires remembering that Willem DeFoe has genitals. So, call me crazy, but I haven't had Melancholia, the next flick from Von Trier, circled on my calendar. That is, until now. See, turns out Kirsten Dunst is in the lead. There are two Kirsten Dunsts in my opinion. The strikingly beautiful, smokey-voiced youngster.
And the hideous she-beast brought forth by alcohol consumption, copious amounts of drugs, the absence of boobie support, and a lack of effort.
Boy I'm betting she hates the dude (and you know it was a dude) who snapped this shot that night. She has this split personality that also comes out in her performances, where half the time I enjoy her and half the time I want to replace her with an incredibly talented cup of coffee. Now she's going to star in a movie that involves some combination of a wedding, Charlotte Gainsbourg, and Kiefer Sutherland (Christmas trees beware). And since this is a Von Trier movie, she may or may not be molested by a deer or something. I'm probably not really all that excited about this movie even now, but I do like that Dunst is apparently stretching her range a bit. She's done so much crap that I think that it soaked into her DNA and turned her into that...thing...you see in the second picture up there (seriously, can't you hear her yelling "I'm schpiderman's girlfriend, who wantssss to touch me?"). Yeesh. Here's hoping that by trying to act again, trying to really change up her modus operandi, that she becomes that darling vision up at the top. That or Von Trier has a sentient lawn gnome kill her on screen.

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Ryan's Junk Drawer

Although I don't know why it is constantly the victim of physical violence by being perpetually lifted or burned, let's do something awful to the roof! Yeah, let's really harm our means of shelter!!! Why? Because it's Thursday! Which means if you read this column last week and now this week, you've survived 7 more days on the same planet as Ke$sha. That takes some doing. As you know, in addition to joyful roof assaults, I celebrate Thursdays by delivering unto the teeming masses my junk. I expose it for everyone to see, without an iota of concern about what others will say about it. "I thought Ryan's junk was all over the place today" or "I can't believe where he took his junk." Of course, by junk I mean movie tidbits that are too small to warrant a full blog. Sorry, did I not make that clear?

We begin each weekly trip inside my warped brain by looking at the image above, which is apparently hell's junk drawer on account of how creepy it looks. It's from Highlights Magazine FOR CHILDREN, which I always point out, an account of something called "irony." What we do is pick one item from the image and write some super-messed up story about it for funsies. Today's item is the cylinder with the lightning bolt on it. After hearing Lisa yell at him every day about his immeasurable love for the television and his perpetual passion for the remote control, Brad decided to take her advice literally. When she suggested "why don't you just marry it?" He did. The first year was tumultuous to be sure, what with the television's inability to prepare a delicious dinner or to accompany him to his weekly softball games. Brad was unwilling to let the relationship fail, so they decided to get pregnant. A few weeks after the hybrid human/television was born, the television had finally had enough, and Brad was left with a note that simply read "Sorry. The electro-bottle is in the junk drawer. Raise our boy to be a good human/television." It was very sad.

Okay, that's it. Now on to the movie tidbits that have floated upstream this week.

1.) Guillermo del Toro has finally gone mad - Does anybody remember the last time del Toro actually MADE a movie and wasn't just talking about making a movie? I mean, seriously, the dude has more false-starts than a Chicago Bears offensive lineman. Am I right? Hmm, just remembered this is not the target audience for sports-based humor. I knew I should have gone with a pee-pee joke there. After leaving The Hobbit, hopping off of some movie about "Dares" for Disney, and agreeing to write and produce (but not direct) a Haunted Mansion remake remake (that's not a typo, it takes two remakes and 100 gallons of bleach to undo the stain of Eddie Murphy in that house), del Toro has finally lined up his next directing gig. And it's the one he's always wanted. Deadline reports that he's partnered up with James Cameron (onboard as producer) to make At the Mountains of Madness in 3D. For those who don't know, Madness is a Lovecraft horror tale that, if done properly, should make us want to gouge our eyes out in terror, which is a hard selling point. It involves this weird, sick mythology of tentacled "Elder Gods" and unspeakable creatures from the beyond. It's going to be a hard R, 3D movie, with an ending that will leave us feeling icky...and this is him promoting the movie. A lot of people love this type of thing. A lot of people also dress their pets in people clothes. I'm just saying that it doesn't make sense to me, but I'll give del Toro and Cameron the benefit of the doubt. Hey, maybe if they can't computer-generate the right design for the monster, they can just find a way to photograph Cameron's ego. Ha! Zing! I'm on fire today! Someone keep destroying the structure above the attic that keeps the rain out!!!!

2.) Damon Lindelof has been exiled to space - Man do some people HATE Damon Lindelof. I've gone on record as saying he often appears to be carrying a big bag of douche on his shoulders, but I have a love/hate thing with him. I love him for the good parts of "Lost" and I hate him for his ass-tastic handling of other parts. Basically, I want to kiss him and then slap him like a dame in a 1940s movie. When I first read about the report from Deadline, which says Lindelof may be given a shot to pen the Alien prequel, it was on a horror site that all but threatened bodily harm upon the scribe. It was the kind of blog post that a serious, responsible writer would never pen (speaking of which, I'm headed over to Costner's place with a pitchfork and a can of gas, who's coming with me?). Personally, I think he can do a good job. I think he's a good writer who needs to do more movies than TV shows because he needs the structure more than the freedom. He has clever ideas, can find compelling dialogue at times, and provided he isn't able to stretch a movie into 100+ hours of clue-laden mysteries, I'm thinking he'll do fine. Look, someone was going to have to write this terrible idea (why do we need an Alien prequel by the way?), it may as well be Damon. Oh, and after I give him this tepid defense, he'll probably post some douche-tastic comment on his Twitter claiming he's a martyr or messiah for tackling the project. If he does that, I'm pulling my lukewarm support. That'll show him!

3.) Eva Longoria invites you to buzz off - The oldest rumor about The Avengers isn't the one about what Thor and Ms. Marvel do with his hammer. Nope, it's the one that says Eva Longoria is going to play the Wasp. This rumor, which has origins in the fact that she's small and cute and once took a meeting with Marvel, has persisted even when she failed to show up on stage for the big reveal of the Avengers team at Comic-Con. I want you to look at the picture below of the adorable, itty-bitty actress. She waving goodbye to these rumors and says nuh-uh.

That's right, she says it's not happening. Well, no duh. Yeah, I just busted out a no duh. And I just used the term "busted out" right beneath a picture of an actress wearing a bikini top. I'm not saying she wouldn't be fine in the role, I'm just saying that it isn't happening. Maybe in the sequel, but you've already got an insane number of characters and just getting those guys enough screen time is going to be a challenge. Besides, everybody knows that if Joss Whedon is going to pick a female superhero it will be one who can beat the piss out of you while looking hot. I'm pretty sure Longoria can be taken down with the right sneeze.

4.) Super-hamm? - I get that comic book movies are a young man's game, but are you really going to tell me you don't see this dude and think Superman?

Well guess what: the internets are a'buzz with the rumor that Jon Hamm is up for Superman! Hooray! I think casting a guy who is slightly older than the usual 20-something makes sense for this character, who has to project an air of God-like stature that's difficult for younger people to pull off. I've wanted him to be a superhero ever since Tina Fey pointed out that he looks like a cartoon pilot on "30 Rock." I know most of you love him from "Mad Men," the second worst show that everybody loves next to "True Blood." I just don't watch that show, on account of not liking soap operas, even ones set in a time when misogyny and racism were nifty. Seriously, I've tried guys, you've all been duped. But let's not focus on our differences, let's unite under the banner of Hamm for Superman! As we've seen from the Donald Glover for Spider-man movement, my endorsement is practically a guarantee for success!

5.) Trailers, parked - We're going creepy this week, as all three trailers are designed to make you look over your shoulder in horror...and not just because the other dude in your office is making that noise when he eats again.

First up is Priest, which is based on a manga and features Paul Betthany, who I know best as the dude who sleeps with Jennifer Connelly every night. It looks like a weird cross between Constantine and Legion, and that is not exactly a compliment. Except, I kind of liked it in a weird way. I'm on the fence, so you decide for me.


Priest Trailer
Uploaded by teasertrailer. - Classic TV and last night's shows, online.

Let Me In is somehow looking like it isn't the terrible, soul-crushing remake it could have been. I hate that the world we live in is such that we can't just watch a movie with subtitles in America, we have to totally remake it, but hey, if it turns out good, so be it. I'm cautiously optimistic.


Monsters has a real District 9 feel to it. It was made on a super-skinny budget, is supposedly more character sketch than monster movie, and has endorsements from people I care about. I'm sold. I do wish they had tried harder on the title. "Here's my football movie called Ball." Seriously, a little effort guys.

More Monsters Videos

Okay, that's it! Let's meet back here tomorrow and talk about our weekend plans, okay?

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Things You Should Buy Me (Volume 42)

Well, it's Wednesday, which means you've almost made it through half of the week (that's a sad accomplishment when phrased that way, and I apologize for saying that). It also means that it's time for me to stand before you with my empty pockets pulled out, with my hands cupped, with a tear in my eye that says "please...please send me cool free swag because I promote awesomeness around the interwebs and it would be great for me to show others the coolness that I get for free." It's been months since it worked, which may be a sign that I'm only doing this for funsies to share with everyone the cool stuff available, or may be a sign that I am more committed than ever to getting the word out about my need for free crap. Probably the former, but let's pretend it's the latter. Quick, to the crap I'm hyping this week!

1.) I love this rug, and it knows - Here's how this works, you make an item involving Han Solo in carbonite and I will love it. End of story.
This is a throw rug (notice the fringe) that every male in the world should want proudly adorning the floor of their man cave, no matter how tiny said cave may be. The product potential of this one moment in movie history continues to amaze me. Do you think Lucas, high off on all of the Bolivian nose candy that Star Wars money could buy, thought "you know, in a few decades, they're going to use this as soap and rugs" when he was conceiving of this moment? God I hope so. Keep it coming. Don't tell me we're done with this yet. There has to be more ways to use Han Solo in Carbonite. I will never stop seeking them out.

2.) The single most effed up thing I've ever put here - I find some weird crap, mostly through ThinkGeek and Nerdapproved, but this takes the cake...and the cupcakes and the toaster strudels. Folks, this is a garden statue, I want you to remember that.
Yeah, that's right, it's a zombie crawling it's way up from the ground AS A GARDEN STATUE. I mean, sure, for Halloween, this is aces. You put one of these out there in a conspicuous place, put a sound recording of a mumbling about brains behind it, and you have one of the greatest show pieces for your suburban neighborhood's bizarre obsession with the macabre once a year. But, like, in July? Do you put this out there? I mean, I'm a sick bastard, but this is a bit much, right? No? I agree, I was just testing you. This is awesome.

3.) Most perfect shirt of all time? Maybe. - Yeah, Threadless has hit another home run. Better than the "realistic" muppet shirt they displayed a long time ago, I give to you "The X-Menagerie."
Seriously, what can you possibly not love about this? It's as perfect a shirt as has been made from fabric and dreams. The Wolverine alone is worth the price of admission, and let's not even talk about the Storm as a pretty, pretty pony angle. Hats off. Really, because if you're wearing this, no one will even look at your head.

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Stick a fork in the sex...wait....

Every once and a great while, news comes along that fills me with the power of the Holy Spirit, hits me like waves of pure bliss, bites me like a radioactive spider: Folks, I don't know how to tell you this, not because it's bad news but because I never get to share news this good. They...they...they're done with Sex and the City movies.
No, it's not because they read Lindy West's brilliant review and realized that everyone involved in this is a cinematic Robert Oppenheimer, threatening to bring untold destruction and in doing so becoming sons of bitches. Nope, it's easier than that: The second movie did not do well, mostly on account of being absolutely unwatchable, even by people who watch that crap. It failed to clear $100 million domestically (the first one did more than $150 million), it only scored $185 million in foreign markets (the first one did $265 million), and it received "mixed" reviews, which is a nice way of saying everyone hated it but one douchenozzle liked it just to be noticed (cough, Armond White, cough). Right now, this information is only based on comments from the cast, who probably have used the last remaining amounts of self-denial they were using to get through making the second movie, and some general industry folks. But there's no reason we shouldn't be allowed to get excited about the real, true end to one of the greatest hoaxes of all time. Hoaxes? Yes, I said hoaxes. Women around the world were sold snake oil, were flimflammed by a product they were told would speak to them. When it did, at times, they were so encouraged because so many products out there just ignored them that they failed to focus on the soul-crushing, brutal horror of the characters and the depravity of a show based on the premise that you ain't shit without a man, honey. I hope someone throws the series a funeral, complete with a grave and headstone, so I'll finally have a place to put my pee. This is a good day people, a very good day indeed.

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Hey, have I mentioned this great movie called Inception?

Like a burrito that cost only a quarter and GOP hypocrisy, Inception is the film that never stops giving. I love it more than most actual human beings at this point, although, to be fair, I'm kind of an unpleasant fellow. We have two Inception-related pieces of business to attend to. The first is but a little treat, a savory after-dinner mint on your pillow. I actually think the degree to which the film was "complicated" is overblown by a large degree. That, or a lot of stupid people stepped up to the plate, as I really haven't heard of that many people who "didn't get it." The complexity is the best sort, in that you can enjoy it while having a head mostly filled with used napkins or you can dive in so deep that every background extra with no lines of spoken dialogue has some measure of meaning. I prefer the latter, obviously, but even with that mentality I can appreciate the cool beauty of this infographic designed to help people befuddled by the interweaving planes of reality and time bending.
Pretty sweet, huh? It's like a pyramid of the food groups, only every one of them is delicious (take that vegetables). See, that's a cute, sweet little diversion. That's an "oh that's nice" treat for us Inception-eers. The next one...the next one may just change everything. I mean that. Watch.



On the surface, this is another "oh, that's cool." But for those of us who are attempting to earn a PhD from Dr. Christopher Nolan, whether he sends us a certificate or files a restraining order has yet to be seen, this is perhaps the holy grail of clues. Why? Consider that the music played, "Non je ne regrette nien," is the signal for "the kick." Okay, that's great, what does sampling a slowed down version mean? Well...time works slower the deeper down the rabbit hole you go, we know that. What I'm asking is...is this a slight tip of the cap, a wink that suggests that Cobb is in Limbo still? That he's so far down, so deep inside of a dream inside of a dream inside of a dream that the music is slowed to the point of a crawl? Oh, I'm sorry, did I JUST BLOW YOUR FRIGGIN' MIND?!?! I realize this could be incidental, that it could mean nothing or be just a cool little thingie they did for funsies. That's possible. What I love about truly exceptional works of art is that you can find and argue for meaning everywhere. Tell me this isn't a pinnacle of modern mainstream movies and I'll slap you upside the face hole with a live salmon.

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A rewrite I approve of on the first blush

The Wrap is reporting that The Crow remake I have feared for so long is changing direction a bit. This is a good thing, considering the guy behind it was the guy who last directed League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. Enjoy having that be your last film, Sir Connery! I loved the original Crow, perhaps too much as my teenage years were spent with posters of a certain leather-bound, black-lipstick wearing character everywhere. That probably didn't do good things for my prowess with the ladies...or anyone. I never dressed like the Crow. I want that on record. Anyway, the big news is that they've brought someone good in to clean up what is likely an incredibly simplistic and annoying draft by Norrington. That person is Nick Cave.
Singer, songwriter, novelist, screenwriter, and sometimes owner of a super-awesome mustache (pictured above), Cave is most known for making macabre, creepy shit that is still super awesome. Pretty much textbook for this material. The Proposition, a film which still makes me feel like I crawled inside a murderer and slept for awhile like a tauntaun in Empire Strikes Back, was all the proof I needed to conclude that this marriage may be a good one. Here's hoping that Nickie brings back the much needed vibe this project yearns for. Why? Because if they had stopped after the first movie, I would have said they should never remake it. But they didn't. They made a slew of them, including direct to video stuff, some of which involved Edward Furlong! It's going to be hard to scrub that icky out, but I think if anybody can replace Furlong-icky with awesome-icky, it's Nick Cave. He can go ahead and put that on his business card, and I won't sue.

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This does not help Battleship's cause

Trying to take a movie based on the board game Battleship seriously was always going to be a challenge, what with the whole terrible idea thing. While I longed for a realistic version consisting of two bored kids saying numbers and letters back and forth to one another while thirsting for the sweet release of puberty, death, or both, the writers went with an alien attack. Sure. Why not? Are there going to be Battleship purists who are furious that they're changing the backstory of submarine and tugboat? Are there troves of fan fiction dedicated to the lightly homoerotic relationship between battleship and destroyer? Do I know too much about the ships in this game? I thought they were done trying to insert awesome helium into this crap balloon, but not so fast my friends. They busted out their super-ultra-secret weapon today.
That's right! You loved her singing the hook on songs that rule, you enjoyed her solo work far less, and you may or may not know who she is given that I've chosen an incredibly normal-looking photo: It's Rihanna! I suppose if you're going to make your big-screen debut, you don't want to have a lot of pressure. Nobody is really going to expect all that much out of acting in Battleship, so that's a really good start. I don't think I'll find myself saying, "I didn't really believe she was in the midst of an alien invasion in this boardgame adaptation." I think I'll find myself saying "why didn't I assign someone else to review this" or "at least it's not Miley Cyrus."

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Told you so, told you so, told you so!!!!

If you haven't yet, watch this.



Go ahead, watch it again, I don't mind. I'll wait.

Hi again. Yeah, I know. I KNOW. Remember a few days ago, when I told you this movie was going to explodify our brains, transmorgify our souls, and delightify our lives?! I may not have said it like that, but I did call this one. Zack Snyder is working from his very first original screenplay here, and it appears that unlike a certain person whose first name starts and ends with M, this is a very, very good thing. It feels like the pinnacle of Snyder's evolution so far, complete with, I don't know, DRAGONS AND SAMURAI SWORDS AND SCHOOLGIRL OUTFITS AND ZEPPELINS. Oh, and Carla Gugino. That's like the cherry on the top of a pile of money on top of a dragon. After doing nothing more than thinking about the sophisticated, weaving narrative of Inception, this reactivated my stupid awesome gene. But enough about me, what did you think?

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Weekend Box Office: Wowza did you like Inception

I'm so happy right now that if I sneezed, I would blow out a double rainbow (yes, I'm still making that reference). The normal drop-off percentage from a big opening weekend (and anything over $40 million is big) is somewhere around 50-55%. If you manage less than 50%, you get a shiny gold star. If you manage less than 40%, you are given your choice of firstborn children to steal from the studio executives that made the movie. If you manage 30.7%, you instill within me the belief that America is a great nation capable of embracing great movies. Inception fell to a range that would have been near acceptable for an OPENING weekend. Suddenly, the $150 million "gamble" doesn't seem to be that much of a gamble at all, as the film will likely roar past $200 million domestically quite easily. Not too shabby for a big-budget art film. Also of note, Angelina Jolie's perfectly acceptable action film, Salt, posted a really nice weekend. It's a female-driven action film, so it's really nice to see a box office turnout for it. Here's how the rest of the stuff shook out, haiku style:

1.) Inception - $43.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 96%)

This is such great news.
America gets an "A."
I like you today!

2.) Salt - $36.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 91%)

Nothing to sneeze at.
This total is really nice.
I smell a sequel.

3.) Despicable Me - $24 million (Accuracy of prediction - 87.5%)

This is hanging well.
And that has little to do
with the damn 3D.

4.) The Sorcerer's Apprentice - $9.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 82%)

Well, the bleeding stopped.
But the damage has been done,
Nic Cage is over.

5.) Toy Story 3 - $9 million (Accuracy of prediction - 89%)

$400 million
Now seems rather likely here.
That's no kid-sized haul.

Overall accuracy of prediction - 89%

A great weekend, gang.
Big box office chosen well.
Now, remember this.

Okay, that's it for now. Have a great Monday!

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Bride of Superfuntime Giant Orgy of Comic-con news!!!

Happy Monday (nofunday) to you all. After a weekend so full that I now need some kind of two-day break to rest in order to work properly, I'm groggy but ready to fight my way into productivity at any cost (as long as the cost is really low). What better place to start a week that has me longing for vacation than with a wrap-up of the comic-con? Oh, yeah, you're right: A better place to start would be from the comfort of my bed four hours of sleep from now, but just like my Cubs getting their act together long enough to sweep the Cardinals or me respecting Sarah Palin, that shit's just not going to happen. But whatever, they don't call me Mr. Flexible for nothing (or at all). Like I said on Friday, here's the wrap-up of the remaining convention news, oh but two quick caveats: (1) Most of the "news" that breaks at the con isn't really news, it's mostly just tiny revelations about projects we've been ogling for ages now, which doesn't always make the sexiest write-ups even if they hit hard in person. Unless it's a description of Natalie Portman, in which case, I'm writing that up immediamente, yo. (2) These days, 90% of the footage in terms of clips and trailers that they show over the weekend at the con arrive on the interwebs within, like, a day. So instead of running descriptions from people, I'm going to wait to run the actual clips. It's kind of like waiting to actually kiss a girl to see how you like it instead of asking someone who kissed her to describe it. This is good advice I'm giving. I should charge more.

Okay, here are some things I learned secondhand from the con:

1.) It's really, truly happening - Give this much to Marvel: For all the douchey contracts, the trail of bad blood being generated behind the scenes, and the general mayhem that seems to surround the making of some projects, they are a scant few months away from giving the world the greatest superhero team ever. I just got the piss jitters, I'm so excited. Folks, this weekend, somewhere in San Diego, for the first time ever...the Avengers assembled.
From left to right, you've got Mr. Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr.), Shield Agent Coulson (Clark Gregg), The Black Widow (Scarlett Johansson), Thor (Chris Hemsworth), Captain America (Chris Evans), Nick Fury (Samuel L Jackson), Hawkeye (Jeremy Renner), and Hulk/Bruce Banner (Mark Ruffalo). Standing next to them is director Joss Whedon and producer Kevin Feige. I know that there's a chance this could suck, I do. But if somehow this thing collapses on itself, it will be as a dying star going supernova and not for lack of casting. This is happening. This is actually going to take place. Can't. Breathe. Everything we've seen before in terms of blockbuster superhero movies should be blown into itty bitty pieces. No pressure.

2.) But wait, there's more - Marvel had one more little gift for nerdlings at its bash: It was this.
If you're a nerd, you already know what that is, and it is not the Ultimate version of Michael Jackson's glove. That's the Infinity Gauntlet, and it's going to be a part of this whole Avengers/Thor/Captain America madness. I think it's safe to say this could be the thread that pulls things together. If you consider that the Red Skull (Cap's hetero-hate-mate) was trying to get the all-powerful Cosmic Cube in various versions of the script for that film, and if you conjecture that Loki (Thor's brother, fight partner, snappy dresser) wants to own said Cube and Infinity Gauntlet for total cosmic domination, I'm guessing you would need the Avengers to stop that ("Thor, you smash Loki's grasp! Iron Man, shoot repulsor rays into his chest. Black Widow, um, unzip a little more."). Although, I do wish that they would make Hulk the villain the first time out, which I suppose they still could in the first half of the film (oh, wishful thinking). The beauty of this all is that there is exactly one new character they'll have to introduce in The Avengers, and that's Hawkeye, whose backstory is that he shoots real good. This means you can do something like have them all show up to fight the Hulk without having to tell us who everybody is, and that could be a compelling way to start this all off. God, I cannot wait for this movie. Please don't screw it up. Pretty please with Johansson on top?

3.) Walk this way - Like I said, as the clips from the con go live on the world wide webbies, I'm going to post them. I just won't post Skippy McDoodle's remembrance of them. So here's the first one that broke from the pack and showed up online.



I'm a fan of the comic and a fan of zombies (in fiction, in real-life I don't think I'd like them much), so I'm uber pumped for this one. It looks pretty much like the comic come to life, which is a compliment mostly. I do hope it brings something new to the table, but I will settle for a well-served dish of brains.

4.) Let the right Scott in? - The Playlist is reporting that Fox is choosing between Matt Reeves (Cloverfield, Let Me In) and Tony Scott (every Denzel Washington movie ever) to direct Wolverine 2. The script is by Christopher McQuarrie, who wrote the usual suspects, which should make me happy. It doesn't. Why? Gee, I don't know, did you see the last Wolverine? Fox will bork this in some seemingly unborkable way, mark my words. I kind of hope it's Reeves, given what I've heard about Let Me In and how much I liked Cloverfield, but he's so young they'll probably run roughshod over him in the editing bay. The flip side is that Scott has a definable style that he'd bring to the flick. That style is called camera-induced nausea. I can't decide which is the best way to go, or if this rumor is even true. What I do know is that somehow we're going to get a Wolverine 2. I really thought we were better than this.

Okay, more posts of video from the con as it goes up, y'all. Happy Monday to ya.

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Movie Review: Salt

She Bang-Bangs
Salt lets ladies be lethal

Watching Salt is a contemplation of whether the increasingly skeletal frame of Angelina Jolie is capable of producing enough force to actually harm another human. It’s not likely, given that she was seemingly given the largest, most ridiculous wig not currently on Nicholas Cage just to keep her from blowing off set.

Why does this matter? Because beyond the crippling weight mandate Hollywood refuses to release females from, Salt is blissfully empowering and delightfully unapologetic about its lead. Originally written for former human action figure Tom Cruise, Kurt Wimmer thankfully did not appear to holistically change his script to configure stunts or subplots more befitting of the fairer sex so much as he seems to have hit “find and replace” to swap “she” for “he.” The result is a run-of-the-mill actioner turned slightly less run-of-the-mill-y. It ain’t feminism at gunpoint, but it beats bosom-heaving, damsel-in-distress buffoonery.

Evelyn Salt (Jolie), who would have been Edwin A. Salt had Cruise not split, is a C.I.A. agent who loves her husband Mike (August Diehl), gets along with her boss Ted Winter (Liev Schreiber) and may or may not be a super-secret Russian agent embedded in the U.S. since she was a child. From the moment an alleged defector suggests that Salt may be more Yakov Smirnoff than Jason Bourne, she’s on the run. Mostly dodging the assault of counterintelligence agent Peabody (Chiwetel Ejiofor), a character so underdeveloped his name is rarely if ever used, Salt begins unraveling the Russkie plot, which unlike the real-life recent Russian spy scandal, has stakes that exceed “being really weird.”

With a plot as slender as its lead, Salt retains a few surprises, legitimately prolonging “is she or isn’t she a Kremlin lover” until late in the third act. Director Phillip Noyce not only shoots the physics-and-limits-of-Jolie’s-body defying stunts with graceful aplomb, he keeps the pace fluttering between exhilarating and “okay, seriously, just stop for a second.” Were the dialogue not filled with more lead than Jolie’s glock clip and had the final shootout not been set against a computer’s slowly ticking upload percentage, Salt would have been a damn-fine escapist romp.

Given that Jolie successfully carried a movie where the significant male was played by Liev Schreiber, here’s hoping the legacy of Salt is that girls can carry a stupid summer flick as good as boys can. So give them more opportunities, and give Jolie a sandwich while you’re at it.

Grade – B-

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

As you know by now, I'm praying with every fiber of faith that Inception will retain its hold over humanity and continue pummeling the box office like a prize fighter in his prime. Help the film do that. See it if you haven't and see it again if you have. That's an order soldier. I'll be back later with a review of Salt, but the basics of that are this: If you wanna see it, that's cool. You'll think it's okay. It is. It's not great, but it's okay enough. That's my in-depth analysis at this point, it's all I have to give on this Friday. Now, quickly, to the haikus before I tire completely.

1.) Inception - $40 million

I know this is high,
but so are my hopes and my dreams.
Make this a huge hit!!!!

2.) Salt - $30 million

Angie kicks some ass,
but let's just be honest here,
hers is too skinny.

3.) Despicable Me - $18 million

Still the best option
for families that have seen
Toy Story enough.

4.) Ramona and Beezus - $8 million

I remember this!
I read some Ramona books!
I'm still a tough guy!!!!

5.) The Sorcerer's Apprentice - $8 million

Poor Nicholas Cage
dressing up like he did here,
only for a flop.

WILDCARD: Toy Story 3 - $7.5 million

All things someday end.
This is the end of the road
for a great movie!

Okay, that's it for now. Back with a review later. Must run!

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Superfuntime Giant Orgy of Comic-con news!!!

The budget of this blog consists of a nickel and a wish, and I spent the wish on that Portman photo below (psst, it was worth it). So I do not have a correspondent down in San Diego for the Comic Convention. Thus I am forced like a bad parent to live vicariously through others. We're gonna do it like this: The news from yesterday will be wrapped up in this one post, the weekend news will be wrapped up in Monday's post. Yes, all this news will be secondhand, but to be fair, it's a bad-ass red right hand. I can't promise you information you won't find anywhere, but can I ask you this: Is any other blog going to give you news of the Comic-con with a summary that consists of doing an impression of the angry, hate-filled doucheasaurus rex that is Mel Gibson if he were a weatherman? I didn't think so. Okay, and just so we're clear on the joke, tapes of Gibson saying the most terrible, awful things ever recorded in the English language have been surfacing recently. Thus, I have decided to mock his evil by turning him from an Oscar winning actor into a lowly weatherman describing my level of excitement about upcoming movie stuff, complete with his brutal racism and a look into his increasingly unstable psyche. Remember, he only wins if we don't laugh at him in his face and don't hope he falls into a Lassie-proof well.

1.) Can I have permission to be excited for Sucker Punch yet? - I have enjoyed both Zack Snyder movies so far, and I think his computer-generated owl movie looks bad-ass. There, I said it. So, really, it's no surprise that I think the first glimpses into Sucker Punch are stunning...and not just because, you know, hot chicks with weaponry is hard to mess up.
Yeah, so there's a girl with a gun and a sword whose name is Babydoll wearing a schoolgirl outfit in front of a snowy Asian temple and a girl named Sweat Pea who is wearing murder-stockings and holding a sword in front of a dragon. If you tell me that this movie is going to suck, I'm going to play a game called "Find Your Spleen" in which I will find your spleen. There are other character posters up all over the internet, but these are my favorites. I would put them all here, but I'm a busy guy, okay? I cannot wait to see more about this movie, but don't take my word on it. Take it away Mel Gibson, professional weatherman who describes Comic-con news.

Mel: This movie is like a hot front moving in, and I'm not talking about increased humidity, I'm talking hot like the fires of hell that I am destined to burn in for things I have said about virtually every race on the planet. Sugar tits. Freeeeeeeeeeeedoooooooom!!! Flibbledee floooo!!!!

2.) Unlike the stories circulating about my skin condition, the Internet gets one right! - Turns out, as we have suspected...NAY foretold in detail for what seems like eons now, Joss Whedon is directing The Avengers. Right now, many of you are saying "so what, I already knew that" or "tell me something I don't know" or "this Ryan fellow is one charming and entertaining character, and I, Natalie Portman, should send him some of my underpants." Even though this was not a surprise, it is relatively good news, with the relatively being the caveat that this man hasn't directed anything of this size or scope before and the best actor he's worked with to this point is arguably Neil Patrick Harris who, while good, has been in 2 Harold and Kumar movies. Ah, don't worry fanboys and fangirls, I'm just bustin' your chops a bit. It's going to be fine, right? What do you think racist, hate-filled weather personality Mel Gibson?

Mel: This news is falling like a cool rain, building up a giant pool of water that black people can't swim in because that's an unfounded stereotype that I believe in because I'm the byproduct of God's bowel movement. Fargledee flibbit! Someone get me a Fosters!

3.) As in, the same one that Eddie Murphy did? - Disney just remade The Haunted Mansion a few years ago. Now they're getting all Jedi mind trick on us and saying "that never happened." Look, how you are going to convince all 7 people who saw that movie that they didn't see what they saw is beyond me, but hiring Guillermo Del Toro is a good start. Everyone freaked yesterday and started twittering and tweeting and cyberspazzing about GDT directing the movie and asking questions like "does this seem like a good career move?" Let's get something straight, directing ANY movie that you can make decent is a good career move. Making bigoted, awful remarks while threatening your ex-wife's life, that's a bad career move. Del Toro is not directing. Del Toro is just producing, and while I don't care at all about the sanctity of Disney's ride or movie involving said spiritually inhabited residence, it's at least worth mentioning. I don't know, what do you think worst human being in the world who has become a weather guy?

Mel: There's a storm front moving in behind this one. A dark storm cloud likely to rain on people's backs, making them wet. Get it! Because I hate Hispanic people for no reason as well, because I'm just that horrible and were the earth to swallow me, it would be totally expected. Bargledy boo! Jesus beatings and making out with Jodie Foster rule!!!!

4.) Muppets and Pixar together for...I can't breathe...too...excited..to...breathe.. - They are using Pixar over at Disney like a staff mechanic, calling in the big boys of box office and storytelling to fix broken parts left and right. First was the Pixar staff pitching in to help fix Tron Legacy, then comes news that they are meeting with the people behind the new Muppet movie. Folks, I live in a world where there is not only going to BE a new Muppet movie, but the best studio in the world is going to help make it great. I know they're not solely responsible for it, but it can't help to be asking the best people in the biz at this sort of stuff to pitch in. In the name of Kermit, I bless this decision. I cannot put into words how unbearably excited this makes me, so I'd better allow the human vermin that is Mel "the weatherman" Gibson get to it.

Mel: This is like a hurricane! A big giant hurricane that there's no escape from. I call it "Hurricane Jew." Speaking of the Jewish people, if one of them were to shank me in the stomach with a homemade shiv, it would be totally excusable in both a court of law and of public opinion. Swizzledy dee!!!! I made out with a Mayan chick while filming Apocalypto!!!

5.) Something from Green Lantern that doesn't suck ass - I've been, shall we say underwhelmed by the images from GL so far. Mostly because they're awful. Well, good news, I like this:
This is a full-scale prop of the dead Abin-Sur, the alien who gives Hal Jordan his ring before he dies. As you can see, Abin died because he had his skin removed before someone decided to wrap him in a green tortilla that only covered his no-no. Seriously, this looks great, and it's the sort of thing that gives me a degree of hope for the film. Because it's real, they don't have to use their CG guy, who apparently failed community college. I'm pumped because I like something from the flick, so YAY! Let's wrap up this excitement by talking to the worthless piece of excrement shaped to look like a person, weatherman Mel Gibson everybody!

Mel: This item is like a bright, summer day with the perfect temperature. Only it's pink, and girls like pink, and girls are inferior to men because men rule over them! Women are stupid and...what's that? It appears to be a small demon creature shaking his head at me and pointing. Now there's a lot of them. Oh, God, where are they taking me?! Giggilty gooooooo!!!! They can take my life, but they can also take my eternal freeeeeedoooooomm!!!!

That's it for today's news.

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They say it's my birthday....

But it isn't. It is, however, this blog's birthday. We enter our terrible twos starting today, which is only slightly more terrifying than starting this thing up in the first place. Back then, there were no Junk Drawers, no desperate pleas for anyone to buy me things, no box office haikus. There was just me trying to find a way to say the types of things you can (and do) find elsewhere on the vast expanse of imaginary landscape called the internet in a way that's different from the other informational oases that you can (and do) also see them at. I still don't know if I'm doing it "right" or "well," so much as I've found ways that work for me, and it's all about me, right? Hell no.

I would be lying if I say this little corner of the blog-o-sphere has reached into some cultural zeitgeist and taken up residence in the general public's psyche. It hasn't. But what I have found are groups of people (friends, family, strangers) who have taken the time to read these scrambled brain ramblings, these self-amusing thoughts, and that has been awesome. Every comment from a reader of this blog is like a little message from God to me, and I can't tell you how incredible it is to receive one. With that in mind, as this blog crawls into infancy, I beg of you to tell me what you want more and less of, unless you want less dorky, awkward humor, because sweetie, that ain't goin' nowhere. What I mean is, "Lost" is over, I've been doing the same things for years now, and you're all smart people. Put those together and you get a scenario for suggestions from the people I most want to impress. You're all the pretty girl in the class, and I will do or say anything to get your attention.

I love doing this. I'm going to keep doing this until my fingers fall off or the internet fad passes like Prince says it will. Provided the Mayan apocalypse doesn't rain fire upon us, I'll be doing it as long as you want me to, and that's the truth. So, happy birthday Cutting Room. Celebrate by clicking ads, leaving comments, and talking about this crap with other people. Thank you, sincerely, thank you for reading this. I mean it, I love you.

Now, because I don't want to end this post celebrating this blog's birth on a weepy, heartfelt note, I will instead settle for something far more fitting. On the eve of this celebration, something hit the net that served as the perfect gift, wrapped in a pretty little bow. Don't tell me it's coincidence, I know by God that it is divine intervention that the first photographs of Natalie Portman from Black Swan just happened to hit on Cutting Room's birthday. Thank you, universe.

So, if you're keeping track at home, it goes thank you:

1.) You
2.) Natalie Portman
3.) Universe
4.) Tim Burton jokes

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Ryan's Junk Drawer

Happy Thursday you denizens of my blogulous underworld, you participants in my despicable bloggery, you lovers of my junk! I know that you wake up Friday through Wednesday sobbing your eyes out, crying "Why! Why, God, why does he only show off his junk on Thursday?! And, given those parameters, WHY CAN'T TODAY BE THURSDAY?!?!" This is the one day your life has purpose, so I should move forward quickly, right?

As you know, by "my junk," I do not mean something untoward. I quite obviously am referring to tiny tidbits of movie news that do not quite warrant a full blog post. I call it my junk because to do so amuses me. Also amusing to me, the creepy-ass picture above from Highlights Magazine FOR CHILDREN. Each week I pick an item from above and make a funny story about it, for no reason at all. This week's item is the braid in the upper left corner. Not everybody liked the Star Wars prequels, but Jimmy did. Oh, did he ever. After covering his body head-to-toe in tattoos based on all of the characters (Yoda on one nipple, Jar-Jar on the other), he set about decorating his room with merchandise. Once every nook, cranny, and opening was crammed with a poster, action figure, or napkin used during the catering of Attack of the Clones was hung, Jimmy realized he needed a bigger place. So, fulfilling his parents wishes, therapy sessions, and calls to clergy, Jimmy moved out. Realizing he would die alone, he filled every room in his house with memorabilia, dropping $4,000 to acquire an undergarment that may or may not have touched Natalie Portman's nether regions. Then, one day, Jimmy realized he needed more. He crept into Hayden Christensen's mobile home, cut off a lock of his hair, and braided it. He wore it for two weeks yelling "I'm the Padawan!" before he realized he didn't want to damage it. So, in the drawer of safety it went.

Okay, that's it with the funny talk, here's the movie tidbits that are worthy of being slightly more than tids.

1.) I want my zombie scalps - If you've read Max Brooks' "World War Z," you know that something must be done to ensure it hits the big screen, as it may be the first zombie movie to ever be considered for an Oscar. If you haven't read it, I hope the undead feast on your spleen, just to teach you a lesson. And they probably will, if you haven't also read "The Zombie Survival Guide," you basement-hiding nitwit. Sorry, that was harsh, daddy loves you. Anyway, MTV has just reported that Brad Pitt, who had his Plan B production company gobble up the rights to the project like so much spilled brains, is finally moving ahead and will star in World War Z, which is slated for a summer 2012 release. Can I get a "mmmmmmm brains" up in here?!?! That's awesome news, and I was in no way kidding about the Oscar part. Not only is there the ever-present social allegory that most zombie flicks sport, there's also the format and context, which is probably more comparable to a documentary or District 9 (which was a best picture nominee, I don't care if it was a bullshit 10-films-nominated year). Done right, this can be mind-blowing. Done wrong, we still get zombies and Pitt yelling at them.

2.) I (don't) hate to say I told you so - I was interviewed by a perfectly charming student yesterday at UNO. He had a slew of questions for me about journalism (uh, I have a column where I make junk jokes, so I'm not exactly Walter Cronkhite), film criticism (don't trust Armond White), and the state of movies in general (if movies had a state, it would be Delaware...discuss). He also asked about my thoughts on 3D. Relax, I didn't go nutso, I gave him my quick take: It will be around as long as it makes money, and it only exists for that purpose. It was a studio conceit more than an artistic move so once the novelty wears off, it will disappear. Turns out, as you suspected, I'm a friggin' genius, as the Wrap has published a long article on 3D’s future in Hollywood and it has this chart in it.


Now, to be clear, this doesn't include every 3D release (like Clash of the Titans or Final Destination 3D or whatever the crap that crap was called). It also doesn't really give context for things like which films really pushed the 3D aspect, what the theater counts were, and so on. Still, that's a real stat folks. All of those movies were moneymakers (including Airbender, believe it or not), and Despicable Me looks to actually be declining that number even further, as it may end up in the 30s for percentage. Is this iron-clad proof it's dead? Hell no. There are no less than 30 major projects coming in 3D in the next year. Some of those will hit big, but if people are looking closely and realize that it is no longer valuable to them, they'll stop. It will take a move by studios and not theaters though, as theaters laid out the money for the 3D projectors and can charge more per ticket. Studios, realizing a dwindling return and a higher cost to make things 3D, may just leave it. My final thought (Jerry Springer style): I give the fad 2 years.

3.) Hot girl who hasn't acted replaced hot girl who can't act - Megan Fox, who I predict will be doing naughty-girl things before the 3D fad is over, was shown the door by Michael Bay in regards to Transformers 3. The rumors for her release range from (1) she called him a douchebag publicly, you know, because he is; (2) she showed up for early table reads so skinny that everyone could see the outline of the single grape she ate for lunch; (3) America had tired of Fox entirely, as evidenced by every movie she's ever done besides Transformers; and (4) if he cut Fox, Bay got to go through the "hiring process" with another hot girl. I think (1) is likely, (2) is true even if it wasn't the cause, (3) is my favorite, and (4) is the answer. Why? Because Bay chose a Victoria Secret model who I'm not even sure has a voice box. Well, we now know a little more about who Rosie Huntington-Whitely will play in the upcoming "please God let them be telling the truth that this will end the trilogy and stop more from coming" Transformers 3. She'll play a character who, in the animated series, marries Sam Witwicky. Here she is trying to remember that the bra goes on the inside of the shirt.

Hey, she's trying folks, you should have seen her in the first shot wearing panties as shoulder pads. Whether or not this will end with the two getting hitched is unclear, but what is known is that if Shia LeBeouf falls down a lot in this one too, he can always aim to land on her ridiculous inflatable lips.

4.) News to Dredd - For some, there is only one Judge Dredd, and that's Sylvester Stallone. Of course, when I say some, I mean the only person who thinks that is Sylvester Stallone. Thankfully, the upcoming reboot (Do we have to call it that if the last movie starred Rob Schneider? Can we just call it a do-over?) will be written by Alex Garland, who wrote Sunshine (one of my favorite underrated sci-fi movies), and Bleeding Cool says that Karl Urban may get the lead. I like Urban. I liked him in his brief time in Lord of the Rings, and loved him as Bones in Star Trek. Look, if I'm being honest, I'm more pleased that this is not going to Sam Worthington than anything else. I just figured when they need an actor who looks mad a lot, they call that Australian grimacer. Am I excited for this? Not really, but I can be swayed by some bad-ass production photos and a script review. Also, if you want to throw a McAdams in there, I'm good with that.

5.) Trailers, parked - Okay, today's trailers are a mixed bag, ranging from super indie tiny to weird comic booky.

First up is Buried, which marks the first of two times my friend is going to drool over this post. Why? Because this is the movie about Ryan Reynolds getting buried alive, so he's on screen like the entire time. Now, for me, this movie is the sixth concentric circle of hell, as my phobia about being trapped without being able to move is hellacious and probably owes itself to the time that Fat Jerry smothered me in the fourth grade. Anyway, here's the trailer.

The Debt reminds me in some ways of Munich, but maybe that's just the Jewish people and guns involved. It's also got Helen Mirren, who is seemingly everywhere these days. Damn you, Mirren, let some other silver foxes work!

You Will Meet a Tall Dark Stranger is a Woody Allen movie, so I'm either going to love it or forget it existed almost instantly. This is the second time in the post my friend will freak out, as it features a heaping helping of Freida Pinto. Enjoy!

Finally, we have The Goon, the long-gestating David Fincher-produced comic adaptation. It's not really a trailer...hell, I don't know what it is. I like it though, that much I know.

Movie Trailers - Movies Blog

Okay, folks, that's it for my junk. I hope you enjoyed it and speak of it well to others!

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Things You Should Buy Me (Volume 41)

It's me again, but you knew that, right? This is my weekly chance to beg you for things, even though I'm really just sharing things with you that are cool, even though that's kind of a lie because I want you to send me stuff, even though you really don't have to, even though you should, even though you probably don't know how, even though you might send an email to film@thereader.com to get my address, even though you know I'm just kidding, even though I'm not.

Here are the things I want this week:

1.) I have longed to feast on the flesh of the undead, so...this really works works for me - Nerd Approved continues to be the best place to find strange, awesome things...and strange-awesome is the best kind of awesome next to hot-awesome, which is nowhere near as fun as strange-hot (which is what I like to call, the Vera Farmiga). So what do they have to make me hunger today?
How do you NOT want to eat Zombie Jerky? And not just because it's called Zombie Jerky, but because it's friggin' green meat. You've wanted green meat forever, right? At least since Sam I Am was all "you should eat green protein." They get extra points for the packaging, which has the contagion symbol AND the word "Teriyucky," and double points for the fact that the hand in that photo seems to have green UNDER THE FINGERNAILS. That's attention to detail. Get this for me.

2.) If you don't love Yahtzee, I don't love you - Seriously, who doesn't love Yahtzee? Nazis? Oh, God, nothing is worse than a Yahtzee-hatin' Nazi. If you are a normal human, go to ThinkGeek and pick up this:
That's Super Mario Yahtzee, which is the coolest thing Mario has ever done this side of Princess Peach. From the question mark block that will shoot out mushrooms and stars to the fact that I'm going to yell "it's-a-me!" every time I roll, this is endlessly entertaining for anyone who knows that Yahtzee is the coolest nonsense word ever. I smell game night! Seriously, I still smell it, nobody cleaned up.

3.) Sometimes, I'm angry. But I ALWAYS love Care Bears - The only answer to the fact that I am relentlessly grumpy at times is this shirt from Threadless.com.
OH GOD, look at how angry they are. The one on the right is wearing sunglasses AND IT'S ALREADY DARK. The one up top is smoking, because he invites cancer to fight him. The one on the left is going to kill you with a smiling star. They ruined a rainbow. Maybe even a DOUBLE RAINBOW. The one on the left is tagging something, probably a church. This shirt is so hardcore, it kicked my ass just for posting it. Enjoy.

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In the interest of sharing good news

I've been a wee bit grumpy lately, sharing doubtful, angry news as readily as I can. In order to rectify that, I bring you two doses of happy news here, shared in as pleasant a form as I can think: Rhyming couplets.

Good news part one

When last I told you this news,
it likely gave you the blues.
Pixar was making a no-no,
a spinoff was given the go-go.
It would go direct to DVD,
but that hurt no less, obviously.
Planes was to branch out from Cars,
the worst Pixar flick by far.
But today brings us a switch,
and gives us less reason to bitch.
Disney Toon Studios is making the movie,
the one that you don't want to see.
So Pixar remains on the top of the heap,
it's that old Mouse that's the money-grubbing creep!

Good news part two

Remember how people hate on Thor,
calling the pictures eye-sores?
Well check this shit out,
it will remove doubt.
See, what did I tell you,
did your eyes pop out of your head too?
It's technically just a preview poster,
but I believe that if you look closer,
you'll see that it suggests something rad,
a fight as has never been had.
If the film even looks somewhat like this,
into my pants I feel I will piss.
But wait, there's more, my good chap!
Howsabout a poster of Cap!
Focus on the scope of the scene.
Doesn't that landscape look mean?
God this will be fun,
just don't look at his gun.
He normally doesn't go packing,
but into war, I wouldn't go lacking.

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Riddle me this: Do I trust you?

When movie blogging first got started, the great white whale that webmasters sought was a Phantom Menace poop...ER...scoop. Would-be Ahabs started leaking (figuratively...and probably literally) whatever half-rumored/half-dreamed nonsense they could drum up. This was partly due to the exuberance of returning to the Star Wars universe (how'd that turn out for you?) and partly because the easiest way to get noticed online at that time was to reveal something about the film, true or not ("There's a sexy new character in it named Jar-Jar who becomes the greatest Jedi ever!"). A few years ago, the practice of hit whoring shifted to Twilight, and the world has never really recovered. It's kind of like cultural herpes. Latinoreview STILL says their most commented on story is one where he mentioned the movie Wolfman and a legion of Twi-hards got into a discussion over the best werewolves. I've never read that post myself, because if I did, I would have to take my own life at the end of a sword. Why do I mention all of this? Because the new thing to do is make up Batman 3 rumors. Sweet tap-dancing chickens have we heard it all. We've heard the various Catwoman rumors (it's Cher!), the Johnny Depp rumors (he's going to play The Riddler...GAY!), the Philip Seymour Hoffman rumors (he's the Penguin...the depressed, possibly pedophile penguin), the "Chris Nolan urinates on the legacy of Heath Ledger and recasts the Joker" rumors (it's the most distasteful of all hit-whoring rumors!). Lies. All filthy, dirty lies. Today brings a new potential load of hooey, as FirstShowing claims to have spoken with someone who has a studio casting grid for the project. The grid, which may or may not be a supreme figment of fiction, supposedly reveals something interesting.
Although no others are mentioned, it would shock me if there weren't more villains included in this picture. I don't know if the stink of Halle Berry's performance is off of Catwoman yet, but she would be a great get (especially if that Marion Cotillard business worked out). Oh, I should mention, next to The Riddler's name, there was an actor listed as "interested."
After Inception, it makes sense to think of Joey Gordon Levitt partnering up with Chris Nolan again. Plus, he'd be good in the role, so I'm down with that. But this is exactly the same fanwank bullpuckey we've been disseminating for almost a year now. Is it true? Maybe? When will we know? Well...there's a chance they could give us SOMETHING at Comic-Con this week. I doubt it, but it's possible. Just take it from me, I promise I will not lie to you about these theories and rumors. When it is definite, I will indicate as such. When it is speculation, I will tell you. When I am hungry, I will ask you for a sandwich. These things I promise you.

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The funniest thing you'll read all day

I'm going to leave you with something truly awesome today. You know, a lot of people don't remember how truly great Bill Murray was.

Even I only caught the tail end of his awesome before he kind of disappeared, only to reemerge as a quirky character actor that I still adore. I'm even looking forward to his underhyped Get Low because it seems to be a bit of return to form for the man. It also doesn't hurt that he's a Chicago sports enthusiast second only to me.

GQ has an interview that answers two burning questions about the man: (1) What up with Ghostbusters 3 and (2) why the f**k did he do Garfield? The answer to the first is somewhat expected. He says there's no movement on the project and that all rumors of movement are lies. I believe him. He points out that the biggest thrust was made by the people who did Year One and then pointed out that although he's never seen that movie, he was told it was bad. It wasn't bad, Bill. It was the worst comedy I have ever seen. There was not a laugh in that film, and whoever is responsible for writing it should not only be barred from writing Ghostbusters 3 they should be barred from watching any Ghostbusters movie. Yeah, even Ghostbusters 2. Murray adds that the fan enthusiasm is so high that he often thinks he'll just agree to do it if the project ever gets that far, but the take home message is: No Ghostbusters anytime soon. Sorry.

The second answer is the best thing I've read in an interview in ages. Why did he do Garfield? Because he thought it was a Coen brothers movie.

"I thought it would be kind of fun, because doing a voice is challenging, and I’d never done that. Plus, I looked at the script, and it said, “So-and-so and Joel Coen.” And I thought: Christ, well, I love those Coens! They’re funny. So I sorta read a few pages of it and thought, Yeah, I’d like to do that."

That's right, he claims to have confused Joel Coen with Joel Cohen, the actual writer of Garfield. He's lying, we all know that, as he even agreed to do a sequel, but how great is that as an answer? His full explanation gets better.

I don’t know if I should even tell this story, because it’s kind of mean. [beat] What the hell? It’s interesting. So I worked all day and kept going, “That’s the line? Well, I can’t say that.” And you sit there and go, What can I say that will make this funny? And make it make sense? And I worked. I was exhausted, soaked with sweat, and the lines got worse and worse. And I said, “Okay, you better show me the whole rest of the movie, so we can see what we’re dealing with.” So I sat down and watched the whole thing, and I kept saying, “Who the hell cut this thing? Who did this? What the f**k was Coen thinking?” And then they explained it to me: It wasn’t written by that Joel Coen.

Folks, this is what we're missing in a world with diminished Bill Murray usage. I demand he be reinstated into the primary throne of comedy post haste. He claims to have done Garfield because he thought it was a Coen Brothers movie?! God, that's the best interview ever, right?

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The Yin and Yang of Monsterpocalypse

Let's play a rousing game of good news/bad news for the upcoming Monsterpocalypse, inspired by the exclusive news at Slashfilm!

Good news: The plot is that monsters fight humans, humans fend them off, the monsters hide for awhile, the humans figure out they're hiding and build big robots with which to fight the monsters, and then the humans in giant robot suits fight giant monsters. That's perhaps the single best single sentence plot description I have ever written.

Bad news: This is the inspiration for the movie.

Good news: Ken Ralston is developing the monsters, who are said to be the size of buildings, and he helped design Star Wars and Who Framed Roger Rabbit.

Bad news: It's envisioned as a 3D big-budget endeavor, meaning the monsters will probably (A) only attack because they wanted a hug, (B) have a distinct lack of slightly phallic tentacles everywhere, and (C) never eat anybody.

Good news: Uh, I covered the robots right? Because there are giant robots.

Bad news: The guy who wrote Titan A.E. is writing it.

Good news: Okay, but to be fair, that guy also wrote Go and The Nines.

Bad news: Yeah, well, he also wrote Big Fish and The Corpse Bride.

Good news: Right, those are very flawed, but not bad. The worst thing about those is the director. You can't fault him for the fact that Tim Burton sucks, right?

Bad news: Tim Burton is going to direct Monsterpocalypse.

Good news: Motherf..

Bad news: Voltron will not be in it.

Good news: Why even say that? Did someone think Voltron would be in it?

Bad news: Tim Burton is still directing.

Good news: You already said that.

Bad news: Well, it's REALLY bad news.

Good news: Solid point there. Man, I ran out of good things like a long time ago.

Bad news: I win!

Good news: You're a jerk.

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