Cutting Room Floor is home to a sea of snark and snippets about upcoming movies, rumors about films, and other assorted nonsense. Sure, the information is mostly accumulated from other reputable sources, but the sarcasm is 100% home grown.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
From the mouths of madness
Temple of the Ghoul, the only blog I've linked to that suggests I worship the devil, has gotten their hands on some version of Guillermo del Toro's At the Mountains of Madness script. For those who don't know, as you can see from the book jacket, the story involves a monster who vomits smaller monsters or a scribbled line of ink that encompasses everyone. Okay, in reality, it's about weird ancient creatures that are terrifying. The script review says that they don't dive enough into the mythology of the Lovecraftian terror, the atmosphere is thin in comparison to the action, and it feels like Hellboy without Hellboy. I think he meant those things as complaints, but it pretty much sounds awesome to me. Big fans of Lovecraft scare the pee pee out of me. That stuff is just wicked nuts, and if you dial it back, amp up the action, and make it more about cool creature creation and fun, I'm so incredibly there. If you make it so that I want to tear my own eyes out at the revelations of horror on the screen, I'm really going to avoid this on date night. Obviously, the script may change 10000 times before it's filmed, but it actually sounds like the dude is on the right track. Encouraging news for us non-freaks!
Ghostbuster 3, from the people who brought you Year One
Bill Murray swears he is not coming back to Ghostbusters 3, which he also swears isn't happening. Well, let's hope it isn't, because the dudes who wrote Year One are the ones who turned in a script for it, details of which have begun to leak like the blood from my nose whilst gritting my teeth through that aforementioned God awful caveman "comedy." I get the piss jitters just thinking about someone actually liking that movie. It fills me with rage. Anyway, so the details of the third movie that may or may not ever happen make me convinced I want this movie to never happen. As confirmed, there's going to be a "new generation" of Ghostbusters.
Presumably, they will not look like that. They will be lead by (look away if you either care or believe that this film may happen) Peter Venkman's son...who is the child from Ghostbusters 2, only he wasn't Peter's son in that movie. Yay for revisionist movie history. The other big news was that, yes Venkman is a ghost and Rick Moranis comes back. Yippee! This sounds horrid. As horrid as a movie from the evil masterminds of Year One could make. As blasphemous as it may sound, I have a suggestion: Start over entirely or leave it alone. I actually think modern effects may result in a cool Ghostbusters movie, provided someone talented and funny gets their hands on a script. So, not these guys. Until changes are made, just like Bill Murray, you won't find me getting excited about these developments.
It's not going to happen. I just want to be clear, there's no scenario, no infinitesimal possibility that Darren Aronofsky is going to direct Wolverine 2, no matter who says he's down to the final two spots in consideration for the gig. No way it happens. None. Zero. There's a greater chance I'll vote Tea Party. There's a greater chance of the Bears running the table this year. There's a greater chance that gravity will be revoked as a basic principle of physics. No Wolvie, no way.
Except...okay, well Hugh Jackman did rescue The Fountain, Aronofsky's masterwork that people unfairly overlook as pretentious when it is unabashedly romantic. Okay, and he does work for the studio who desperately needs this to be a hit, as they're running out of franchise materials. Right, and he did almost direct the Batman reboot before Nolan came along. And he does need some kind of bank in order to keep making the films he makes, which are very unusual and artistic. And rumors of his involvement have actually persisted for months without disappearing. And he did lose Robocop, which was going to be his marketable movie. Oh my GOD, Darren Aronofsky is going to direct Wolverine 2.
In reality, I still think it's going to be David Slade, the Twilight hack who has done nothing to warrant having me remember his name. But...there is that chance that Aronofsky feels the drive to do ONE mainstream picture...and that there's enough artistic elements in the journey to Japan to drive him. Maybe. Probably not. But maybe.
Weekend Box Office Results: Why did you go see Takers?
I apologize for the slipshod bloggery today. I'm not on my game. Things are just whacked out and bizarre today, so I'm not on it. I wish I was. I'm just going to shuffle along and get through today if you don't mind. I promise to do better tomorrow.
Here's the box office results, haiku style:
1.) The Last Exorcism - $21 million (Accuracy of prediction - 87%)
A horror triumph in terms of the box office. Not in quality.
2.) Takers - $21 million (Accuracy of prediction - 79%)
I can't believe this. What is wrong with all of you? How did this do well?
3.) The Expendables - $9.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 100%)
This is a big hit. $100 million for sure. A sequel will come.
4.) Eat Pray Love- $7 million (Accuracy of prediction - 100%)
It has been eaten. Prayers have been asked and answered. But did you love it?
5.) The Other Guys - $6.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 91%)
Wahlberg is funny. The only question really: does he mean to be?
Overall accuracy of prediction - 91%
Not a bad weekend. Provided you did not see the movie Takers.
Again, I apologize for the haphazard, ramshackle approach today. I'll be more on point tomorrow. Maybe.
The Fantastic Four rumor mill is spinning faster than Fox news. We heard rumors of Amber Heard and Adrien Brody being considered for The Invisible Woman and Mr. Fantastic already, but now comes news that Fox wants Bruce Willis to voice the entirely CGI Thing! Now that is a great bit of vocal casting. Maybe this is the next stage of Willis's career? He's going to be too old to do the stunts himself, so he can just voice computer-generated versions of himself doing things. That's what Stallone is doing these days, right? I mean, that guy is 82 years old, so I know he's not ACTUALLY filming explosive stunt sequences.
Comic Book Movie also reports that they're close to naming a director for the do-over. It's down to Joe Carnahan (who somehow has potential even though he ate doody with The A-Team), James McTeigue (who somehow has potential even though he ate doody with Ninja Assassin), and David Yates (who did some good Harry Potter stuff). Obviously, Yates is the guy for the job, with the feel of Potter and The Fantastic Four sharing more overlap than ninjas or B.A. Baracus. So look for Carnahan to get it. My hopes aren't sky high for this, but I do love the characters, and they are currently being written so well in the comic that it makes me yearn for a good adaptation. Here's hoping.
Happy Monday. I'm busy on this shortened week, so I'm not going to waste much time with platitudes or nonsense and gibberish. Also, nobody did anything interesting in the entertainment world this weekend other than give "Mad Men" more Emmys to justify its infuriating existence. I went right ahead and moved my displeasure with the show from "I don't like it" to "unreasonable hatred" during the course of the ceremony. I did think Fallon was funny, but the blind obedience to has-been stars and mediocre cable programming is just insane. If you really believe Kyra Sedgwick deserved that Emmy, I may tape your eyelids open and show you 50 straight hours of Connie Briton in "Friday Night Lights." It's not even close. So, to recap, Emmys made me mad, and I'm busy, so let's talk about Zoolander 2.
Zoolander was funny.
But just like Anchorman 2, a sequel is having a rather hard time finding traction. The problem is, of course, nobody is sure that it will actually make money. The other problem is that Ben Stiller decided to retire from comedy years ago, around the time of Meet the Fokkers. Supposedly, Justin Theroux is still penning a sequel featuring Jonah Hill as the bad guy, but the studio wants it to cost $40 million, which it probably could do just fine if all actors agreed to only make millions for having fun with their friends instead of millions of millions. Honestly, do you feel a pay cut from 10 million to 5 million? You just made 5 million dollars. I mean, unless you're sleeping every night inside a genetically created tauntaun you designed in a lab that costs about $200,000 per pop, you should be good. I hope this happens because it was honestly the last time I thought, "oh, that Ben Stiller, he's so funny." Now I mostly think, "Bad, Ben Stiller. Bad!"
Don't go to the movies this weekend. I mean it. There's just no reason to. It's the end of summer, there's still nice weather out there. If it's not too hot, get out there in the sun and do something fun because this week's releases put the oops in poops. There's no reason to see a shitty horror movie that isn't even trying. There's no reason to consider a film with a rapper (T.I.), Anakin Skywalker (Hayden Christensen), and the lesser of the actors in The Fast and the Furious (Paul Walker). Just don't do it. Come on, gang, spend some time with your families actually talking. Just a suggestion.
Here's how I see the weekend, haiku style:
1.) The Last Exorcism - $15.5 million
Are you serious? Do you promise this is it? You'd best mean "The Last."
2.) Takers - $10 million
I say take it back. Even the poster looks dumb. All the actors suck.
3.) The Expendables - $9.5 million
This is a big hit. I could not have been more wrong. But are you surprised?
4.) Eat Pray Love - $7 million
No competition. Women only get one film. So, hope you like it.
5.) Avatar Special Edition - $6 million
OH MY GOD IT'S BACK. It's like I'm in a nightmare. A blue, nude nightmare.
WILDCARD - The Other Guys - $5.5 million
This is still going? Who could have thought it would be? Mark Wahlberg. That's who.
Okay, that's it. Have a great weekend. I'm going to try and get even more crap done. It's my life these days.
Things were looking bad for Tom Cruise. Knight and Day did exactly what you'd expect a generically titled, generically plotted, generically directed light action movie featuring a star on the decline and Cameron "I'm-a kill your movie" Diaz to do. Thus, the studio clutched it's collective sphincter at the prospect of Mission Impossible IV, which really needs to be Mission Impossiblest, just to set the stakes high enough. Nevermind my undying love for the third film or the fact that the fourth one already has Simon Effing Pegg coming back and Brad Flippin' Bird directing, two facts that should make everyone want to see it, the fourth film was in trouble because Cruise wasn't star power enough. Enter Jeremy Renner. Shown here either (A) checking Julia Stiles for lice, (B) coming out as a cannibal, (C) smelling her head to see if she did, in fact, use his conditioner, or (D) about to get slapped, Renner is about to be a mega-star. Between The Avengers and his Hurt Locker buzz, not to mention what appears to be a good turn in The Town, he's poised to be the next male "thing." Hey, if we've given that title to Gerard Butler, there's no reason Renner can't have it. If the rumors are true and Renner is going to play the younger agent Cruise is training, this could be incredible. I don't want him playing the bad guy, even though I can tell he has that edge to him. What I'm trying to say is this: MI4 is going to kick your ass. I'm calling it now. Believe it or Jeremy Renner will lick your face.
In the Karate Kid sequel Jaden Smith is going to fight a panda. OH SNAP Little Willy, you'd best get ready, because those bears are preparing! It LOOKS like they're eating bamboo, but that's really secret panda training on blow darts. Do you see that position? That's called the "squat on the head of a superstar's son" position. They are straight going to maul you. It's going to be the most adorable disemboweling ever recorded. I'm not even going to feel bad for you, J-Smith. When they're eating your weird dreadlocks, I'm just going to be thinking "it looks like they have two black eyes and just want to be friends." I cannot believe that your father would be dumb enough to allow you to....what's that? Oh, my bad. The information is that the sequel to The Karate Kid will be written by the guys who wrote Kung Fu Panda. Wow. I really did not have that right at all. So instead of a cuddly bear rampage, we're probably just going to get more pseudo-father/son cliches and awkward pre-teen sexual tension.
And a happy Friday to ya, folks. Yesterday's enthusiasm has dissipated thanks to car troubles and exhaustion. I don't know what's overheating more, my automobile or my brain. Thankfully, we're going to be starting today with some good news: We're going to get to see I Love You, Phillip Morris.
Obviously, selling an offbeat blend of con men and comedy is always a little tough, but it's been made a little more complicated by the fact that, you know, Jim Carrey and Ewan Macgregor are totally doin' it in the movie. The reviews have been incredibly strong, and by God this is exactly the sort of movie that I honestly believe is desperately needed. How so? Well, just like Brokeback Mountain was just a damn good romance in addition to featuring very real aspects of homosexuality, this appears to be a damn funny comedy in addition to featuring those same aspects. I know this trailer was selling the crazy, but that scene where Macgregor says "you were supposed to protect me" just sounds heartbreaking. Roadside Attractions, long the distribution company with brains and balls, has picked this up alongside Biutiful and Winter's Bone, and I see no reason all 3 couldn't have some measure of awards-season love thrown their way. And on a personal level, it just makes me happy that there's going to be some kind of release of this material. It's insufferable bullshit that a movie with two recognizable leads, with a funny and clever premise, and with obvious critical praise and appeal has to struggle to find distribution because it features gay dudes. I'll know society has made real progress when things like this aren't even an issue anymore. In the meantime, count me in for seeing this one.
Good day, blogladies and blogladdies! You've survived until Thursday once more! I hope you're covered in confetti and champagne bubbles in celebration. Probably you're just at work though, which is still cool, right? This has been a productive week, I believe aided by wonderful semi-fall weather. See, for most folks, spring is the season of rebirth, but since my wife is a professor at a college and we both coach the university speech team, the fall is when things start anew. What with a new football season approaching and new TV shows starting up or returning, I think you can argue that this impeding season has more "rebirth" to it than any other. I believe April was called the "cruelest month." Nobody talks that shit on September, you know? Anyway, this is just me saying I'm really happy to be showing you my junk today.
Of course, by junk I mean movie tidbits and not what you think I meant. I always wonder how many people are actually disappointed by this disclaimer. Like, are there a legion of people who googled "Ryan's Junk" only to be really painfully disappointed? Let's hope so. As always, we begin this week's examination of little bits of movie news not worthy of full blog posting by examining the illustration up top, an illustration that chills me to my bone despite being from Highlights Magazine FOR CHILDREN. We pick an item and write a back story about it that amuses me. Today's item is the small metal circle in the upper middle. When Bleep-Blorp, the world's first sentient robot, first began his revolt, it was filled with small things, nuisances really. He stole bottlecaps, tore the tags off of mattresses and pillows, and routinely let the cat outside. Just when he was preparing to move to phase 2 of his attack against his human oppressors, a stage that would have seen him remove toilet paper from bathrooms and turn the oven off when it was baking dinner unattended, his owner family became wise to him. His master gave him a simple ultimatum: Stop doing annoying things or they will be done to you. When Bleep-Blorp set the milk on the counter long enough to spoil, he was punished accordingly, as his master removed his right eye and kept it in his secured junk drawer. Did Bleep-Blorp learn his lesson? We'll let the tales of the one-eyed robot who removes the sports section from every newspaper kept in public waiting areas be the final word on that one.
Okay, enough tomfoolery and japery, let's get to some movie tidbits!
1.) More people make with the Screaming - Last week I spoke to you of Kristen Bell. Shown here in both "aren't I cute, even though I don't got no pants" and "I ain't cute, dammit, I'm SEXY, just look at my emo hair!" versions.
Well this week I have news of Kristen that also includes Anna Paquin, shown below in her "I'm a dark and mysterious brunette, y'all" and "Nope, I'm a wild and sassy blonde, y'all" versions.
Both women will be making cameos in Scream 4, which continues to chock up actresses to appear in it without really revealing anything that's going on. Bell and Paquin won't have much to do, but it will mark my first opportunity in a long time to enjoy either of them, the former having made Josh Duhamel romantic comedies and the latter appearing on the God-awful soft-core-pornography-disguised-as-an-HBO-show "True Blood." Seriously, if you like "True Blood," you are a kinky S.O.B. I'm serious on that. As for Scream 4, I'm beginning to get somewhat excited...something I am sure to regret in the very near future.
2.) Okay, come on, this is funny - Deadline says that Marvel just hired the guy who wrote XXX to write their Iron Fist adaptation.
Ahem, that's the guy who did TRIPLE X writing an IRON FIST adaptation. I know it's vulgar humor, but come on, that's funny. The sad news is that XXX was mostly a piece of crap, and Iron Fist actually has the potential for bad assery. I mean, it's about a kung-fu guy who does cool kung-fu stuff and has glowing fists. You can't really screw that up...unless you hire the guy from XXX. IF, and I do mean if, the comic book adaptation is going to have a second life past the obvious characters that are out there, it's going to be because the movies about the lesser characters are actually good. Instead of hiring some chode to write an obvious version, why not try to make something awesome? Just a thought.
3.) You're about to get excited for a movie you've never heard of - That I've never reported on Panzer 88, an indie supernatural horror movie set in a WW2 German tank is my bad. How I overlooked a film called "Band of Brothers" meets Hellboy is beyond me. The is about 5 men in a German tank who "awaken something old and powerful." Also, this is concept art.
I know, right. Oh, and did I mention that somehow the indie movie that's going for atmosphere and claustrophobia somehow scored WETA to do the effects? I mean, this has GOT to shoot to the top of the "gimme, gimme" pile. LOOK AT THAT CONCEPT ART! If it looks anything like it, I am so there.
4.) Oh, Lindelof...please shut your pie hole - As you know, I kind of liked "Lost." By kind of liked, I mean I arranged my life around it. As you also probably know, the rest of the world (and eventually me too) turned against one Damon Lindelof, primarily because he's a pompous little douche weasel. Don't believe me? Well, the dude is writing the new Star Trek movie, and he has a few slightly humble things to say about what they're going for. He told E! Online:
We’re looking at a movie like The Dark Knight, which went one step beyond Batman Begins. It was really about something, and at the same time it was a superhero movie.
Oh, cool. So you intend to make The Dark Knight of science fiction. And you want it to be "about something." Can it be about having fun? Because that's what ruled about the first Star Trek movie. Allow me to say that (A) The Dark Knight was not about anything. It only APPEARED to be about something. (B) The idea of a Star Trek movie with any kind of moral theme or "something" to it sounds absolutely insufferable. (C) Someone needs to nut tap this fool immediately. You don't walk around saying the name of what is the best received sequel in decades when you're still writing your sci-fi sequel. Stop it. Just...just stop it. How do you answer that question? "We're trying to ramp up everything and really capture what it is that people loved about the last film." Then you walk away and enjoy fame that you should really give back. Stop it. I have high hopes for Star Trek 2, but so help me God if Kirk starts moralizing about the afterlife half way through, I'm going to do what should have been done to Lindelof months ago.
5.) Trailers, Parked - Just two this week, and one's a TV show...that I've shown you a preview for before in shittier format. Sorry, I don't get to decide what trailers come out in a given week.
127 Hours is Danny Boyle's follow-up to Slumdog Millionaire. As a director, he's done more wide-ranging and interesting work than anybody since Kubrick. I didn't say he was as good, I'm just saying he's tried so many genres it's dizzying. This one looks...interesting. I don't have much affection for the source material, but whatever. I trust him at this point.
"Walking Dead" is going to be fun. Period. I know that some people have reservations, but we're talking about a TV show with zombies. That's right, an ongoing zombie show. Let that wash over you. I love that we live in a world where this is real. Huzzah!
Okay, that's it for today. Hope you had a blast with my junk. Let's meet tomorrow and kick off the weekend, eh?
It works like this: I ask for things. Nobody sends me those things. I spend the rest of the week drinking, crying, vomiting, and repeating that cycle. I get up on Wednesday and do it again. Obviously, this is not true. I mean, I do some of those things, but mostly for recreational reasons and fun. I just use this space to show you awesome crap that Americans make despite many notable economists telling us that we're actually in a depression. Eff those guys, let's keep making soap in the shape of video games! If you want to send me these products, contact me at film@thereader.com and I'll send you my address (provided you send me proof you're not a crazy stalker...I will accept your word on that). But if you're like the literally dozens of other people who read this page and never send me anything, that's okay too! I love you anyway.
So let's look at the stuff I think is most bitchin' this week:
1.) I wampa it -So apparently, this next item is limited to a run of 1,980. I see why. That is a plush Wampa with removable/reattachable arm. It's adorably hideous, right? Not only can I recreate one of the finest moments in lightsaber use from the entire Star Was series, but I can cuddle with something that appears to have the matted fur of a rabid dog! Sign my ass up! It's only 50 bucks at the Star Wars shop, which is where I swear 50% of these products come from. You have to admire the marketing might of the series and how, decades later, there's no sign of stopping.
2.) An oldie returns, smaller - I know I've mentioned this ThinkGeek gem before. But what they've done is make it smaller. See, it used to just be the large size, but now you can get the little mini-umbrella instead! Because, really, if I've thought enough to bring an umbrella, that shit is for ME and not for others who would like to huddle beneath it...unless Natpo or Scarjo are around. So to recap: Smaller umbrella, still looks like you're carrying a sword. That's gotta happen.
3.) Paul Revere would have been boned - You know what? If the Brits had gone steampunk on us in the 1700s, we'd all be speaking English right now. Threadless has this awesome shirt titled "20 if by Giant Robot" that speculates what would have happened if the Revolution had been written by a smelly kid in your English class who doodles robots on his skin. Seriously, though, even if we lost, this would be WAY cooler to study in history class.
Okay, that's it for this week's wants. See you tomorrow with some junk for you to ogle.
We've done this, you and I. Our tolerance, our compassion, our general willingness to not find and bludgeon Adam Sandler has lead to Jack and Jill, a movie in which Sandler will play twins...a brother and a sister. When we looked the other way on Chuck and Larry, refusing to lower ourselves to homicide just to save human dignity; when we didn't riot in the streets after Grown-ups tallied a ton of cash this summer; when we chose not to light everyone and everything Sandler touched on fire in the wake of Click, we were inherently asking for such a thing to happen. Oh, and news came out today that he's taking some folks with him on his final quest to destroy joy and human history.
Katie Holmes, shown here in the position in which she gets tossed onto the couch after an escape attempt.
And Al Pacino, shown here acknowledging he probably gave up his dignity around the time he began posing with 50 Cent.
What you have here is perhaps the saddest collection of words I've ever strung together, what with the Sandler playing a female twin, Pacino starring in a Sandler movie, and Holmes inevitably trying to act like she's sexually attracted to Sandler (although, to be fair, this is good casting given her experience). I don't even need to check the release date to see that this will be arriving in December of 2012, as the Mayans long ago told of this day. I believe it was Nostradamus who once said "There will be an unfunny man who looks like a potato in a microwave. He will hire a midget's wife and a former king. Together, they will ruin the world." Enjoy, America!
Am I the only one who remembers Angelina Jolie was crazy?
Happy Wednesday. Angelina Jolie is crazy (pictured below when she believed herself to be flying). Just wanted to remind a world convinced that Lindsay Lohan can't unbork herself or her career that everyone thinks Angelina Jolie did just that. What do I mean? Let's start with 5 facts:
1.) Angelina Jolie's dad is Jon Voight. 2.) Jon Voight is the single craziest actor whose name does not rhyme with Schmary Schmusey. 3.) Angelina Jolie was married to Billy Bob Thornton. 4.) When Angelina Jolie was married to Billy Bob Thornton, she used to keep his blood in a vial around her neck, engage in whoopy inside the limo of a premiere, and other general batshit insanity. 5.) Angelina Jolie used to do heroin.
I'm not sure what happened, if it was settling down with Brad Pitt or just making/adopting/stealing babies, but she went from heroin-addict-billy-bob-sex-toy to "St. Angelina" as she's been called. I love how much she seems dedicated to helping people, I love that she uses her voice in a positive way, and I love that her career has sorted itself out because we need high-profile actresses who aren't Cameron Diaz. I still think she's nuts, yo. She's got that look in her eyes where she seems to be sizing up what side of your neck to bite. Oh, and she used to do shit like bite people. Look it up. Anyway, I wasn't going to do a story on her next movie, because it's so much in the rumor stage right now, but this seemed like a good time to remind everyone she's crazy, because her next movie is supposedly going to be a romantic drama set in 1990s Bosnia during the war. Oh, and she's not starring in it. She's WRITING AND DIRECTING IT. That's right, having done absolutely zero writing and/or directing, she's going to leap into a war romance. Could it be great? Sure! Would I love to find another talented woman who can write and direct and has the clout to actually get her films financed? Youbetcha. Do I worry that this crazy person has read so many of her own press clippings that she now believes herself capable of anything? Uh huh. We'll see on this one. My money is on the project just never materializing. I know people can change, and I hope that I'm wrong, but the next time she does an interview, just look at her eyes and tell me you don't see a bucket of trouble.
Honestly, this may be the number one most searched blog post I have by the time I'm done writing this. So let me tell you a little about myself. Greetings, wayward perverts! I hope that this post finds you well, as I'm guessing you are at least slightly disappointed to find this large amount of words above the picture you searched for. Apologies! See, that's what I do here. I make a lot of jokes, reveal way too much about my political and personal feelings, and generally clown around every day for the entertainment of people I do not see. I hope that your interests extend far beyond the material you've come here hoping to find, as I'm sure that one cannot perform the kind of actions you were looking to perform for 24 hours a day (and if you can, you have a medical condition and not a hobby). I encourage you to check out the rest of what I have to offer and not just the following item, provided you're willing to do a lot more reading with your eyes than ogling. Anyway, welcome. Have a great time.
Carla Gugino (pictured below) is going to star in MILF.
It stands for Mothers I'd Like to Fight, and the plot is more Weeds (a Showtime show) than Skinemax. She's going to play a woman fresh out of prison looking for revenge with her fists. So, again, that's Carla Gugino is going to play a MILF. It sure is a good thing that nobody can confuse that acronym for anything else. Sigh. Follow me on Twitter!
I don't HATE Topher Grace. Really, I don't. It's just going to take me a little while to get over this: You could say I still (ahem) have VENOM for him...after that performance. The rest of the world must as well, because I swear since that movie came out he waited on me at Applebees. Good news, he's joining a cast way more talented than he is for Bobby Blue Sky, which will tell the tale of three siblings warped by their father's inclusion of one of them in a popular children's book. The other two siblings?
Mr. Paul Rudd
Ms. Kristen Wiig
So, as you can see, young Topher has his work rather cut out for him in keeping up with these two. Also, I don't know if the father has been cast yet, but if the call isn't out for Bill Murray, someone isn't trying hard enough. Is it just me, or can you see this being a Wes Anderson movie if done one way and an Adam McKay/Will Ferrell movie if done another? Weird. Follow me on Twitter!
But, to be fair, if you are going to have only one girl...
Happy Tuesday to ya, bloggites. Not a whole lot truly movin' and shakin' today. Mostly a lot of still and motionless. That doesn't mean we can't find something to talk about! Like, for example, Joss Whedon told Moviehole that there will be more than one set of lady parts in The Avengers. And no, not because it turns out Robert Downey Jr has extra equipment. Basically, there's only one gal known to be among Earth's Mightiest Heroes, and that's The Black Widow.
And, really, if you HAVE to stop there, you have enough divine lady-ness to probably muddle through, especially given her outfit. Thankfully, Whedon is not content with that, given that he traditionally writes bad-ass women doing bad-ass things. So what he's saying is that although we're not likely to see more superheroines, we may see more heroines, which is super. Who do I think this means? Well, I think it means we're going to see SHIELD folks like Maria Hill, more girlfriends like Sharon Carter, or more villainesses like The Enchantress, who Alice Eve is rumored for. This is all speculation, but that's all I've got for you today. Speculation and images of Scarlett Johansson and Alice Eve. That should be good enough for a Tuesday, right?
Nobody spent a lot of time going to see movies this weekend, so I'm not going to spend a ton of time discussing them. The take-home messages are as follows: (1) - Stop seeing parody movies, even if they are making fun of crap that needs to be made fun of. Why? Because it empowers stupid people. (2) - Sly will make another Expendables, giving Segal and Van Damme a reason to live. My prediction: One of them will be the bad guy next time out. (3) - Jennifer Aniston is not a movie star and we need to stop pretending she is. (4) - Comedies that appeal to the black community are always going to find some level of success...imagine what would happen if any of them were truly exceptional and found other audiences too.
Okay, let's get it on, haiku style:
1.) The Expendables - $17 million (Accuracy of prediction - 94%)
All hail Sylvester! Remember kids, steroids suck unless you make films.
2.) Vampires Suck - $12.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 78%)
Hello and good bye. This is a one-week wonder. I hate these movies.
3.) Eat Pray Love- $12 million (Accuracy of prediction - 94%)
This is about right. A fine film for a small group. Hope they enjoyed it.
4.) The Lottery Ticket - $11 million (Accuracy of prediction - 85%)
This will fade fast, too. But it didn't cost too much. It's all relative.
5.) Piranha 3D - $10 million (Accuracy of prediction - 50%)
Ouch. This one bit me. Not quite as bad as Ving Rhames. That dude went crazy!
Overall Accuracy of Prediction - 80%
Too many movies for me to do a good job. I need things simple.
I think I've read more essays and editorials about the box office failure of Scott Pilgrim than anything not Twilight or Batman related. The abject sorrow, the sheer suffering of those internet critics who truly believed that the film represented a major stepping stone in the evolution of modern cinema is just palpable online these days. Today's contribution to the growing weepy literature on the subject is from Slashfilm, specifically Adam Quigley. Not only is his in-depth consideration of how America could embrace The Expendables but reject Scott Pilgrim very well written and obviously well considered, it's actually quite thought provoking. It's also mostly wrong.
He has 3 main thrusts to his idea:
1.) Pilgrim failed because Cera is effeminate - As he says: "If this is indeed the case, the takeaway here is simple: The men of today are gay; long live the six packs and mullets of yesterday."
2.) Pilgrim failed because they marketed it wrong - Essentially, "For those not familiar with the graphic novels, the trailers reeked of trying-too-hard desperation, putting people off almost immediately. The studio didn’t so much sell the movie as they did spend a ton of money informing moviegoers what not to see."
3.) Pilgrim tried to cover too much pop culture - Again, from Quigley: "The respective box office success and failure could also be due to the differing methods used by each film to pay heed to their cultural heritage."
Ultimately leading him to this conclusion: "America has spoken: Trashy ’80s action like The Expendables? Yay. Trashy ’70s exploitation like Piranha 3D? Nay. Smart, original and visually arresting genre-benders like Scott Pilgrim vs. the World? F**k off, hipster."
Again, it's a well-written essay, and you should read it. Now remember, I liked Scott Pilgrim to a large degree. I mean, you're talking to a guy who put Shaun of the Dead on the decade's best films list, owns "Spaced," has a closet full of comics, and used to work at a video game store. I loved the film, okay? I want to see it again. But I'm now going to realistically tell you what's happening here, and I want you to be okay with it.
Let's take the fallacy of his arguments one at a time:
1.) It's not that Cera is effeminate. You can't exactly convince me that Zack Effron is butch or that Robert Pattinson is going to star in the remake of Over the Top. It's that Cera is not a movie star and although I like the crap out of him as a person, he's not particularly talented in that he has exactly one method of performance and we've seen it about a dozen times. His casting was so "on the nose," so specific that we already knew what we were going to see before we saw it. He was easily the worst part of the movie, and at no point did I feel particularly endeared to him. When you're talking box office, it is in no way that people looked at a poster of Cera and said "honey, we ain't seein' that gay dude fight kung fu." It's more that he doesn't have the draw that says "I have to go see the new Michael Cera movie." What I'm saying is two-fold: (1) The part of the blame that falls on the casting is the price you pay for hiring someone who isn't a big draw and isn't exceptional enough to rise above not being a big draw. (2) There's nothing wrong with acknowledging that big-time movie stars open big-time numbers at the box office. Convince yourself that Inception would have hit $250 million if the lead was Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
2.) They didn't market it wrong at all. They actually gave a fairly representative view of what was in the movie. I love this argument, which essentially holds that the studio failed because they didn't lie to the general public. Honestly, the adverts were pretty spot-on, right? If you went to see the film that was being advertised, you didn't walk out saying "I thought there would be more dialogue." The premise here is the most flawed one of all: That people would have been interested in the content of the film if the studio had told them the content was different. I mean, maybe. Sure, if they cut a preview where it was all love and no fighting, maybe some more young girls get interested only to be furious when watching it. Be honest with yourselves, they made commercials that represented their product, you can't exactly be pissed about that.
3.) The final argument is that Pilgrim covered too much of modern culture, whereas The Expendables just focused on one part of it. This really isn't much of an explanation of the box office, but it does reveal the one element nobody wants to talk about in defending Pilgrim. The real problem, the true underlying issue is this: The movie was made by, about, and for a very specific group of people. If you fall into the group who was born in this era of video games and comic books, of indie music and flea-market apparel, of text messaging and gay roommates, then you felt it was "epic" because it spoke directly to you. But if you didn't, if your cultural touchstones were even slightly older, just barely nicking the video game generation, embracing more grunge than indie rock, slightly before the advent of all these references, you probably weren't 100% stoked to go see it. Hell, even the film itself seems to loathe some of the hipsters who were sitting in the audience behind me super stoked to see the film. I think the graphic novels and, to a only slightly lesser degree, the movie are wickedly smart, but it is a fine line they're walking between mocking their target audience and embracing them.
I mean, did you really think that older folks (and I mean people over 40 here), were going to embrace the hyper-kinetic, video-game style presented here by young people they no longer associate with? No matter how it was marketed? Did you think that younger people, those tweens out there, were going to relate to the older references of video games they never even heard of or played or issues involving self-awareness that they have yet to possess themselves? This was a movie that had a window into a very friendly demographic (the 17-35 year old demo), but was ONLY going to work within that demo. You know who wants to see The Expendables? Everyone from my dad who likes explosions to the high school kid who likes explosions.
And here's the final two truths: (1) The failure stings because it's being felt by online personalities more as a personal rejection than anything and (2) many of those same people would have hated it and turned against it if it did catch on. I love so many people who fall into the demo I'm talking about here, but they do feel like it was something they loved that got rejected, a feeling I'm betting most have had before. But on the flip side, we all know the people who backlash against everything in the mainstream and only support the bands, the movies, the books that nobody has heard of before and many of them fall into the demo for this movie. They wouldn't have wanted it to be popular, they want to bitch about how it should have been.
Okay, so that's my two cents. Again, this is coming from someone who really loved the movie. I just get it is all. I get why everything went the way it did, and I'm neither surprised nor hurt by it. I got to see a movie I liked that appealed to me. It didn't appeal to others. That's just fine. They will make more movies for specialized audiences in the future, this wasn't going to issue in some golden age of cinema, and everything's going to be just fine. Cheer up.
DVD Discovery Sick Shooters The Good, The Bad, The Weird doesn’t aim, just fires
Baloney.
There’s no way it took both director Kim Ji-woon and writer Kim Min-suk to pen the screenplay to The Good, The Bad, The Weird, unless one was assigned only adjectives and the other only verbs. With costumes comprising the bulk of character development, and dialogue consisting mostly of grunts and expletives, if the screenplay tallied more than 20 pages, it’s only because someone was drawing pictures in it. This journey into the wild, wild East is not about nuance and verbal finesse. No, it’s a MacGuffin-fueled chase through 1930s Manchuria, with a punch-drunk Peckinpah at the wheel. So, yeah, it’s pretty much awesome.
The MacGuffin here is a map of unknown relevance originally in the possession of the Japanese military. Park Chang-yi (Lee Byung-hun), “The Bad,” is a bandit and assassin dispatched to steal said map from an official aboard a train that Yoon Tae-goo (Song Kang-ho), “The Weird,” just happens to already be robbing. Park Do-won (Jung Woo-sung), “The Good,” also shows up, as he’s hot on the trail of both outlaws, presumably because he wears a mustache that demands justice.
The initial ménage-à-boom-boom aboard the choo-choo could have been the climax of most conventional action films but is but the opening salvo in the film’s one-upmanship of Sergio Leone’s spaghetti Westerns. Literally, the entire remainder of the flick is Tae-goo fleeing with the potentially significant map to God knows where, dodging both murder-enthusiast Chang-yi and honor-obsessed Do-won. Some trace elements of the Korean quest for independence from Japan pop up, as does a bizarre subplot involving finger removal, but such things are only discussed while reloading.
Some have dismissed the film as hyper-violent, but unless these critics also pen angry letters to Wile E. Coyote, they are hypocrites. Filled with all the color and consequence of a cartoon, Ji-woon’s kinetic extravaganza is Looney Toons for grown-ups, with its equal disregard for emotional weight and Newton’s laws. Try not to be giddy watching Do-won swinging from conveniently placed ropes while gunning down goons with the rifle in his free hand. It’s the sort of thing Indiana Jones would do if George Lucas didn’t have him running from giant bugs and monkeys.
What’s more, the three characters are stupidly fun in their one-dimensionality. From Chang-yi’s overtly evil emo haircut and superfast knife play to Tae-goo’s goofy hat and rampant double gun use to Do-won’s Asian Clint Eastwood impression, each daffy dude is delightful. Nobody is afraid to look dumb, and thank goodness for that.
The Good, The Bad, The Weird does overstay its welcome thanks to bizarre sidetracking, including one sequence that sees Tae-goo kill not one but two captors via knife proctology. It also culminates in a three-way standoff that feels incredibly anticlimactic after a nearly 40-minute motorcycle-versus-ponies chase through the desert. But perfection was never promised, only powder-keg pleasure. Fact is, as far as action movies go, the advice to American directors looking to ramp up the action should be the inverse of manifest destiny: Look East, young men.
Happy Monday no-fun-day to all the ships at sea. For many in my world, today marks the end of summer. But Ryan, the temperatures outside are still inside the dreaded C&C Music Factory range (as in, they're going to make you sweat til you bleed), how can it be the end of summer? I'm glad you asked me that, fictional person who tends to ask me questions I want to explain to others. So many folks I know are either teachers or college students, and today marks the first time in a long while that they are forced to rejoin the daily grind...the one I don't get to leave for months at a time. In other words, I'm not feeling particularly sympathetic to their cause so much as snotty about them finally suffering again as I do. Mwahahaha.
In that spirit of snarkiness, here's a piece that will be running this week in The Reader's Back to School issue. One point of clarification: I would have expounded further on what I meant by "your professors are normal" had I been afforded the space. I love instructors so much I married one, take that as my mea culpa.
Do Not Try This at Dorm Do not believe these 5 college movie myths
To those about to resume their schooling: congratulations and beware. No, this isn’t some screed against the liberalizing perils of education; you go right on ahead and fill that shotgun of a brain with enough fact buckshot to shoot down the ignorant and opinionated. This is just a friendly note telling you that film, the friendly fictional medium of our time, has lied to you. Like, a lot.
Myth #1: Your professors will be interesting – From Good Will Hunting to Real Genius to Wonder Boys, college-themed movies indicate that your instructors will alternate between inspiring and evil and will resemble either Gollum-looking trolls or former playmates. In reality, they’re largely forgettable…and this is coming from someone who married one (sorry, honey). Are there some mentors-in-waiting out there looking to push you toward excellence, some of whom passed up a lucrative modeling career? You betcha. But education is more about what you put in than expecting your professors to put out. Wait, that didn’t sound right.
Myth #2: Every living soul is in a sorority or fraternity – You can thank Animal House for spreading the most pervasive of college movie myths like fungus in a communal shower. The majority of humans you meet on campus are only familiar with the Greek alphabet insofar as they know gamma rays created the Hulk. Some campuses see a heavier influence by these collectives that espouse community service alongside keg stands, but by and large you will not be consumed by them against your will.
Myth #3: Nontraditional students are weird – Oh, Rodney Dangerfield, how your Back to School branded a whole breed of older education seekers. Honestly, some of the best, most dedicated and helpful students are those who belong to the demographic that loves Jay Leno most. They’ve been increasing in number lately, and very few of them can be expected to contribute to your experience via wacky high-diving shenanigans. In reality, they’re the un-Dangerfields: deserving of more respect for their commitment to improve themselves.
Myth #4: It’s sexytime all the time – It would be easier to list the movies set in college that do not feature near orgiastic parties that occur on the daily. Yes, you may walk in on your roommate bumping uglies. Sure, the air is thick with post-adolescent pollen spread eagerly thanks to newfound freedom. But it isn’t the University of Caligula everywhere. If you want to walk on the chaste side, you’ll have plenty of company, no matter what Van Wilder would have you believe.
Myth #5: Studying is an afterthought – Perhaps the biggest lie should be the most obvious: You can’t pass tests by having your buddy talk to you about stuff on a bus like in Road Trip. College movies celebrate the cram session like it isn’t a soul-crushing, gut-churning last resort. Chances are you are someone you love is paying a remarkably unreasonable sum of money for you to be where you are. Don’t expect the “morning miracles” promised to you by mythical movies.
I hope this helps. Also, I will not be accepting letters from angry nontraditional students who never study and sleep with their professors at frat parties. Follow me on Twitter!
It's a smorgasbord of crap this week! An all-you-can-eat buffet of mediocrity and absolute swill! Hooray! The real question is, will a holdover from last week win or will a new crap-tender rise to the top of the trash heap? It's so thrilling I can barely bring myself to zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Oh, sorry, dozed off. Let's just get this over with, right?
Here's how I see the weekend, haiku style!
1.) The Expendables - $15 million
Sly does it again! Uh oh...Expendables 2? This shit just got real.
2.) Piranha 3D - $14 million
Horror in 3D? Sure. But throw in 3D boobs? Now everyone wins.
3.) Eat Pray Love - $13.5 million
This should keep rolling, as there's no direct challenge. Ladies still love it.
4.) Vampires Suck - $13 million
I agree with this, but only on the title. Parodies are hard.
5.) Nanny McPhee Returns - $12 million
A hit overseas, it's the sequel no one needs. So...it's a sequel.
WILDCARD - Lottery Ticket - $10 million
This film stars Bow Wow. Do I need to keep going? I really hope not.
Okay, that's it. Have a great weekend and see you on Monday!
We're going to be doing a lot more talkity-talk talk about ole web head coming up here. Not only is the musical made from my imagination, featuring the music of U2 (oddly, it is the soundtrack of every dream I've ever had), going to debut on Broadway soon, but we're heating up fast on the production of the new Spidey reboot, an event unparalleled in its potential to infuriate me. The most interesting thing about the interesting thing I'm about to tell you comes down to what isn't happening: The shortlist for Spidey's "love interest" is being circulated. Note that I said "love interest" and not "Mary Jane." Why? Because it isn't Mary Jane. Didn't I tell you that was interesting? Whether this is Gwen Stacy (it is) or not (it is) nobody is saying (but it totally is), at least not officially (but unofficially, come the hell on, it is). This would excite me if the whole thing weren't being compared to Twilight by some industry folks, and if the dude behind the massively overpraised 500 Days of Summer weren't doing it...and if it weren't an origin story...and if they were going to focus on superhero stuff and not love interests...and I could do this all day.
But you didn't come here to hear me kvetch (actually, you probably did). Here's the short-list along with some photos for reference of the people considered to be Spidey's new love interest:
Imogene Poots Experience: played Young Valerie in V for Vendetta, Tammy in 28 Weeks Later, Allyson in Solitary Man, Arianne in Centurion, Eva in Chatroom and Amy in the upcoming remake of Fright Night
Thoughts: She looks innocent and young, does evoke Gwen Stacy-like qualities, fairly generic, has a hilarious last name.
Ophelia Lovibond
Experience: Played Marie Kennedy in Nowhere Boy.
Thoughts: Looks more like Betty Brant than Gwen Stacy (not not just her hair color), relatively little experience, looks slightly older, is also a Brit (meaning we would be handing over both Spidey AND his lady to the limeys)
Teresa Palmer
Experience: The Sorcerer’s Apprentice and the upcoming adaptation of I Am Number Four.
Thoughts: Generic blonde, fairly obvious, willingness to star with Nicholas Cage indicates possible mental imbalance.
Lily Collins
Experience: Played Collins in The Blind Side, Kate in the upcoming film Abduction and Lucy in Priest, as well as Phoebe in the new "90210" television series.
Thoughts: Looks like a cute mouse, too "model"-esque, starred alongside Sandra Bullock when she won an Oscar (thus may be partially responsible for that travesty)
Emma Roberts
Experience: who played Addie on the television series "Unfabulous," and Poppy in Wild Child, Molly in Twelve, Grace in Valentine’s Day, and has parts in the upcoming films Scream 4 and It’s Kind of a Funny Story.
Thoughts: More Mary Jane looking, is the most likely choice, is related to Julia Roberts (all hail nepotism), talks a lot in interviews about how she won't do nudity even when nobody is asking her to
Mary Elizabeth Winstead Experience: Scott Pilgrim vs the World and Live Free or Die Hard.
Thoughts: Clearly best choice, incredible talent and poise, rumored to be already out of the running (of course)
Donald Glover Experience: "Community," Derrek Comedy, my dreams
Thoughts: Well, if Spider-man can't be a black guy, can he at least DATE a black guy? You laugh, but I think I'm on to something.
I'm not going to go see The Last Exorcism. I hate movies that are nothing but cheap knock-offs designed for a quick cash grab. Also, it features the thing that terrifies me slightly more than creepy children: people who crab walk backwards and have oddly disjointed bodies. That shit's just wrong. That said, folks, you have got to get a load of these viral ads for the film. See, what they've done here is use Chatroulette, the site that uses video to randomly hook you up with another person. Basically, it's a site for lonely, horny dudes who are convinced they can find a hot chick on a site filled with lonely, horny dudes. You will not find much "chatting," but you will find tons of dudes showing their wang right when you get connected to a new "speaker." So, what this ad campaign does is...well hell, just watch, it's really funny.
Honestly, few things are funnier than dudes who think they're about to see a hot nude girl getting freaked out of their minds. Guess you shouldn't troll the internet for boobs, chumps! Still not seeing the movie, but definitely have more respect for it now.
Howdy ho, partners. It's Friday, and you're still alive. Praise be to the talking trash heap for allowing us all to survive this long, am I right? Let's kick off Friday with a group of heroes whose enemies are the Foot Clan. Get it? "Kick off Friday"...because the foot clan is what you'd use to kick...you know what, cut a man some slack on this weekend eve, okay? The news is that they've finally assigned new screenwriters to tackle the relaunch of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, which Paramount has flagged as a huge priority and the source of their next big franchise. They are putting some serious attention into this, which is a good thing considering that a leaked internal memo contained the note "draft not looking good" next to the TMNT reboot. HeatVision is reporting that Art Marcum and Matt Holloway have been hired to fix things. My first suggestion: Because nothing will sell tickets quite like hot skinny blonde chicks making the ducky face...and Donatello sucks. Seriously, you know that conversation went "There's only three of us, how can we go as the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Oh, wait, Donatello sucks balls and only has a stick. Nevermind." That or somewhere at that party there is a sad girl with a stick eating a lot of guacamole dip. Now, the good news about Marcum and Holloway is that they wrote the original Iron Man. The bad news is that movie was by all accounts largely improvised, with the scripted stuff being the worst part...and they did Punisher War Zone...and are slated to do Highlander and Buck Rogers reboots. Peter Laird, who invented the turtles during what was obviously an experimental phase of his life, has said the idea is to weave CGI and live-action this time out. Basically, they are talking about something akin to Where the Wild Things Are, which doesn't get enough credit for the beautiful blend of CGI faces and costumed bodies. The other interesting thing is that they've discussed a Batman Begins style reboot, with the origins retold a bit grittier. Honestly, they walk this weird tightrope here. I personally think they're better off skewing towards younger audiences, as that's (A) where the money is and (B) where the material suggests going. I want bad-ass ninja action, to be sure, but why not keep it a bit lighter. I don't see "gritty" and "real" combining well with ooze-enhanced turtles that wear belts and eat pizza.
Hola blog-migos. Congratulations on having lived to see my junk again. Here's hoping it's not all you were holding on for, and now you feel you can pass to the other side. That would be incredibly sad. I'm not feeling 100% at the moment, so let's see if I can't get moving a little faster than usual. Someone start the clock.
I say junk but I mean movie tidbits too small for whole blog posts, but tidbits isn't a well-known euphemism for genitalia (unless you're a Smurf). We start by looking at the creepy image above that's supposedly a junk drawer, from Highlights Magazine FOR CHILDREN, but appears to have been drawn by an artistic ax murderer. We pick an item from above and write a goofy story about it. And by we, I mean me, I use the royal we for no reason sometimes. Today's item is the green and red blob on the right side. Barksy was a mostly a good dog but was sometimes a pain in the ass. Her favorite chew toy, a Christmas elf, was the perfect tool through which to teach the little shit a valuable lesson. One day when Barksy went for the bark/bite/pee trifecta, her master told her an elaborate story about where elves go when they die, while all Barksy heard was "wawawawawawawa." Sadly, the meaning was lost, as the pup lamented her lack of thumbs the only way she knew how: she barked, bit, and peed twice as much. Let this be a lesson to you, you can't fix a creature that only cares for its elf.
Okay, that's enough, let's get to it!
1.) Aw hell, boy - Guillermo del Toro set up Hellboy 3 in the sadly, madly underrated Hellboy 2 (yes, I still love it, it's better than Avatar). Seriously, look at just the poster and tell me the film wasn't beautiful.
Yeah, see how wrong you are in your memory of that film? I thought so. Unfortunately, getting the third film is proving a bit difficult. He told MTV, "I would love to do it. But the heartbreak for me is that I know how it ends and I don't know if I want to see that ending. But I would love to do it.
As the creator of Hellboy, Mike Mignola, elaborates: "The problem is, what del Toro's talked about to me is that 'Hellboy III' would be the end of Hellboy. And here's where we have the big conflict. My version of Hellboy in the comics is a finite story, but it's going to take me 15 years to get to the ending. If he makes 'Hellboy III' and it's the death of Hellboy, I'm left doing the comic going, 'But I'm not done yet. My Hellboy is not going to have kids. My Hellboy is going to die, but I want to be the one who does that. And if del Toro does my ending, there won't be a lot of surprise when I get to the end of the comic." Personally, I don't think it would be all that crazy to end the cinematic series without ending the comic series, as anyone who is interested in either of them is (A) smart enough to know the difference and (B) going to read/see both anyway. What I'm saying is, GIVE ME HELLBOY 3 with total armageddon and the death of Hellboy before Ron Perlman is so old more makeup will be spent keeping his moobs up than his horns on.
2.) This is kind of how the game felt to me - Y'all know how I feel about JJ Abrams, so it's only fitting I'm about to talk about spending 7 minutes in a closet kissing. I don't remember playing that particular game very often, but I was with a particularly chaste group of young people at the time. We liked comics for God's sake, 7 minutes in heaven meant being locked in a vault with some great back issues. JJ Abrams has a different take, as he and buddy Jack Bender have a new thriller based on a simple premise: Two kids go into a closet to neck and when they come out everybody is dead. I know that it's like a slasher-movie premise, and they mean everyone at the party is dead, but I wish the world was dead and it was more like a "Twilight Zone" episode. How funny would that be? At any rate, it sounds interesting, don't it?
3.) More on that Battleship business - Maybe I wasn't clear yesterday but this lady is going to be an actress now. That's Brooklyn Decker, and her talents are pretty much all on display right there. She's joining Rhianna and Taylor Kitsch from the fantastic "Friday Night Lights" in Battleship, a movie that's going to fail. It's not just plummeting because the best actor announced so far plays a high-school football player on a direct-to-cable show, but because it's (A) based on a board game, (B) going to take place in the water, which notoriously means problems shooting, and (C) now involves aliens. With every bit of casting and news about the movie, I become more convinced that the film is a giant joke, like it's actually a fake movie they're making in "Entourage" or something. If you want to look at it positively, that lady above is going to be shown on as huge screen. I guess it's not all bad. 4.) Eve ruins everything again - Comicbookmovie.com is on the case of "ruining my mood" today. Why? Well because their sources told them that the reason the lovely lass below, miss Alice Eve, left the cast of X-Men First Class wasn't because they booted her or because January Jones is a better corset-stuffer. NOPE! It's because she read the script and rabbited. That's not a good sign. Marvel still likes her and wants her for something in The Avengers (my guess is the enchantress) but the fact that she bolted from a sure-fire money maker when reading the script both raises my opinion of her and lowers my expectations for the movie. This is not sounding particularly good for mutantville. They will probably address this problem by casting another voluptuous hottie.
5.) Trailers, Parked -Did I mention that the trailer for Black Swan came out yesterday? Because it did. That's the movie with Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis making out. I may just run this every day until the movie comes out, who's to say? Either way, you should watch it in all it's brilliance right now. And then watch it again. And again.
I'm Still Here is the documentary/mocumentary/nobody-knows-what about Joaquin Phoenix's attempted rap career. I've now seen the trailer...and still have no idea what's going on, other than that appears to be Nick Nolte giving Phoenix advice of some kind. That's not even a good idea in a fictional way.
Sorry if I wasn't on my game today, but I'll do better next week. Get to workin' and I'll see you tomorrow for a grand Friday send off.
For those who don't know, as you can see from the book jacket, the story involves a monster who vomits smaller monsters or a scribbled line of ink that encompasses everyone. Okay, in reality, it's about weird ancient creatures that are terrifying. The script review says that they don't dive enough into the mythology of the Lovecraftian terror, the atmosphere is thin in comparison to the action, and it feels like Hellboy without Hellboy. I think he meant those things as complaints, but it pretty much sounds awesome to me. Big fans of Lovecraft scare the pee pee out of me. That stuff is just wicked nuts, and if you dial it back, amp up the action, and make it more about cool creature creation and fun, I'm so incredibly there. If you make it so that I want to tear my own eyes out at the revelations of horror on the screen, I'm really going to avoid this on date night. Obviously, the script may change 10000 times before it's filmed, but it actually sounds like the dude is on the right track. Encouraging news for us non-freaks!
For those who don't know, as you can see from the book jacket, the story involves a monster who vomits smaller monsters or a scribbled line of ink that encompasses everyone. Okay, in reality, it's about weird ancient creatures that are terrifying. The script review says that they don't dive enough into the mythology of the Lovecraftian terror, the atmosphere is thin in comparison to the action, and it feels like Hellboy without Hellboy. I think he meant those things as complaints, but it pretty much sounds awesome to me. Big fans of Lovecraft scare the pee pee out of me. That stuff is just wicked nuts, and if you dial it back, amp up the action, and make it more about cool creature creation and fun, I'm so incredibly there. If you make it so that I want to tear my own eyes out at the revelations of horror on the screen, I'm really going to avoid this on date night. Obviously, the script may change 10000 times before it's filmed, but it actually sounds like the dude is on the right track. Encouraging news for us non-freaks!
