Ryan's Junk Drawer is EARLY!

Dear junk junkies,

I was confronted with two awful choices this week. (1) Forgo my junk drawer column altogether (stop your weeping sweet, sweet simpleton, you can see that I chose otherwise) or (2) bump it up a day and risk damaging my OCD and rigid commitment to keep things on a precise schedule (so, you're saying that everybody else doesn't schedule when to go to the bathroom for their doozies of a twosies). For you, who are titilated by tidbits. For you, who are satisfied by speculation. For you, who somehow find this whole schtick funny. I will once more pull out my junk...out of the metaphorical movie news drawer. As is tradition, today's item from the creepy image from "Highlights" magazine above is the glowing bright white light in the middle. It is now painfully obvious that whoever this man is, he has caged an angel and kept it in his kitchen drawer.

Now, on to the Thanksgiving week news-that-is-to-small-to-be-big-news. My drawer is (ahem) STUFFED to the gills today.

1.) Brilliance, Muppet parody be thy name - By now you all know about my Muppet lust. I find them genius, and I find that genius to be impossible to explain. Thankfully, instead of articulating why they fill my heart with more joy than a kid with a pony, I can just show you so you can feel it yourself. This circulated across the interwebs yesterday and is nothing if not true art distilled into tiny pieces of felt and rubber covering the hands of men and women making funny voices. If this doesn't make you smile, you should be arrested for being a doo-doo head (and the sentence is watching this video until you DO smile).



2.) One of the scariest movies ever just got scarier - I was on the fence over whether I wanted to read "Under the Dome," which (A) sounds like the Juggernaut's autobiography (props to all comic nerds who just giggled) and (B) sounds like a rehash of The Simpson's movie and "The Stand." Then Devin from Chud starting tweeting about how fun it was (despite being like "The Stand"), so now I'm on the fence. What I'm not on the fence about, is King's suggestion for an upcoming book...which I heard about from Slashfilm who heard it from Torontoist. Steven King is thinking about making a sequel to "The Shining" called "Doctor Sleep." Now, this was said at some sort of mass gathering, so if he actually was literally speaking from his butt, we'll have Youtube proof soon enough. But it doesn't sound like it. King explained a fair amount of detail (Danny is all grown up and now helps people who are about to pass on to the other side with his voodoo powers) and expressed a rather strong desire to do it. I think Peter from Slashfilm got it about right. Why use the character of Danny for that (shit) idea? If you want to make a new book about your characters, I'm cool with that. Totally your call. But do not sell the movie rights, because just like Peter joked, we'll end up with Brett Rattner on The Shining 2. You know it. God, even worse, it would be someone like Eli Roth because he's a horror "maestro" and knows Quentin Tarantino, who has juice in that town baby. This post is too long.

3.) In lieu of a whole "Things You Should Buy Me" column... - It would be wrong of me not to mention that Amazon.com in particular (but many places in general) are doing some amazing sales online right now. Most notably, Blu-Ray players are going for dirt cheap...including this one from LG (a good brand), which is the deal of the day at less than $100 bones (okay, so it's 99, but that's less than 100).

Okay, fine, here's two more things to get me (which would have appeared in "Things You Should Buy Me"). First, everybody knows that lasagna is (with no apologies to Sean Hannity) the greatest, best thing God ever gave man on the face of the earth. And the best part of the lasagna? If you didn't say the edges (where the noodles actually do their best to stay together) you don't know squat. So, here's a pan from Thinkgeek.com (how great are they, they even cook) that keeps your stuff together, yo.

That's straight-up, mad genius, yo. Also, you should keep your eye on Tee-Fury, who make a T-shirt available for one day only and then it's gone forever. How great is that? No legion of D-Bags walking around with your sweet, sweet T-shirt. I missed this one:

But I will keep vigilant on this site...which is also hilariously written. Check it out. Wow, I just did a column within a column...I'm so meta.

4.) A spiritual sequel to the 90s-era slacker movies? YESPLEASE - I loved Noah Baumbach's Kicking and Screaming so very, very much that it would likely make the mythical "list of 10" that everyone wants me to make one day. Greenberg feels like a spiritual sequel to that, and a kind of bookend to the slacker films of the 90s that pretty much defined my whole generation. That's pretty impressive. More impressive still? It features what appears to be a reserved Ben Stiller performance with no monkeys or nut shots. Huzzah!



5.) Judge away, I think this looks fun - John Lasseter of Pixar fame produced this straight-to-TV CGI Christmas show, which looks to be the first one in years that will make me smile. Remember how great those Christmas shows were from our youth (from Rudolph to Charlie Brown)? Of course you do BECAUSE THEY STILL SHOW THEM BECAUSE THEY HAVEN'T MADE ANYTHING GOOD LIKE THEM IN 20 YEARS. Here's the first one that has a chance. I will love it. Judge away.



Whew, told you it was epic today. Just a quick thanks (since I'm supposed to do such things on weeks like this one). I love doing this so very much. Even when outside forces make it difficult to just enjoy the community that develops around writing about entertainment like this, it's nice to have you silent readers out there. Thanks.

Weird Holiday News Week Volume Three: This doesn't fit my theme

Okay, so this is really just a regular type post in which I speculate about some actress taking on a role in a superhero movie and it in no way really fits the theme I've created. You know what, nobody's perfect, okay. Nobody. Certainly not that mythical ex-boyfriend of yours who did nice things for you that I don't do. I know he's made-up. Anyway, here's your regular (sigh) movie blurb. Kat Dennings, who is endowed with a Scarlett Johnasson-ian degree of actressly gifts, is in Thor. That much we know. Doing what, well, that's the question. Presumably she'll be looking seductive.

But that just makes good common sense. The word on the street is that she may be playing "The Enchantress," which is a fairly throw-away villainess, but I like the idea of her playing Hela, the queen of the Norse Hell. First off, she's got that dark vibe about her (despite playing the lead in Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist which, screw off, I liked). Second, she seems inherently naughty. I don't know what it is, maybe it's how she's drawn, but I'm thinking that I would rather see her be a central role in a big way than some dumb little villain. Oh, there's also a chance she's just taking on a role like "sister to the main female lead." That would be less exciting, except that the female lead is Natalie Portman...so, you guessed it, PICTURE TIME!

I know this post is a little out of what I intended. I don't think you mind.

Weird Holiday News Week Volume Two: How naughty are you?

I really love Slashfilm.com...but I kind of hate that they put the Swedish chef from The Muppets cooking a turkey in honor of Thanksgiving before I did. I was going to do it, I swear. I mean it! I'm the guy who used the phrase Muppet boner for the love of God. You know what, f**k it, I'm putting it up anyway.



Ahh, now I feel better. Moving on...Slashfilm pointed out this cool story from The Chicago Sun Times (via THR) that deals with whether or not watching streaming illegal content on your computer is technically illegal. To all you people who sought out that Erin Andrews nude footage and are now eagerly hoping to squeegee your consciences...sorry. Not only can I not help you Godless perverts, but that's a different kind of illegal video. We're talking about pirated movies. And not pirate movies, although you can pirate pirate movies. I digress. The idea is that it is clearly illegal as the law is written right now to download or disseminate copyrighted materials, but watching it when someone else has done that isn't necessarily illegal. I mean, it likely is, as Slashfilm points out, all it takes is one case of an asshole getting sued for watching something and WHAMMO, we've got precedent. It's a tough call, but personally I think it's naughty no matter how you justify it. I will watch and post bootlegged trailers...because stealing advertising for your movie and reposting it elsewhere is only helping your cause (you actually pay other people to show that, so I'm doing you a free favor). I will not watch bootlegged movies. That's a personal line I can't cross, but I'm curious what others think.

Weird Holiday News Week Volume One: Tweets from prison

If you're at work (or school) right now, you're probably remarking on how you seem to be the lone asshole who decided to show up, how everyone pretty much treats Thanksgiving and Christmas as week-long holidays and just straight-up ditch out on work and other responsibilities for like 7-9 straight days (right when things are nearing the end of the year). Hollywood's like that as well. Right now, all the little leak-mongers and rumor spreaders are busy worrying about making the perfect cranberry torte to serve to Aunt Gertie and not providing delicious news nuggets for us to digest. Thus, I dub today (and likely tomorrow): Weird Holiday News Week! I now give you the first of three stories that really don't fit our usual vibe (for the record, our usual vibe is no-holds-barred funk-nasty and if it were accompanied by a soundtrack, it would feature a duet between Bono and Freddie Mercury over the top of a track by Morris Day and the Time with a rap interlude featuring Jay-Z and Warren G).

The first bit was sent to me by my dearest friend and fellow movie lunatic Andrew Merczak from Hollywood Elsewhere, which drew its info from the LA Times. It talks about how Roger Avary, who won an Oscar for the Pulp Fiction screenplay and is good friends with total bad-ass Neil Gaiman, is writing tweets from jail. See, Avary had a tragic lapse in judgment involving alcohol and cars and killed a friend of his. That part is very, very sad...but the part where he is using his twitter account (@avary) to document his time spent in jail is just bizarre as all hell. He's tweeting about everything from grim thoughts to jokes to...Jesus, I don't know what. It brings up an interesting discussion over whether or not we consider this to be acceptable behavior, but I personally find it fascinating. Inmates are frequently allowed to send emails and letters, so why not twitter? The thought of someone, anyone, documenting an experience we're (hopefully) not likely to have via a tool that only permits 140 characters at a time makes my mind go all gooey. It kind of makes me feel like I could use my twitter feed to do more than make jokes...I mean, I probably won't do anything but that, but it's nice to know I could.

Weekend Box Office Results: Twilight - 2, Humanity - 0

Wow, I knew that it would be big...I had no idea it would be THIS big. Posting a record opening day (more than $70 million), the business did dramatically drop off (so it didn't beat Batman's opening total take). Still, New Moon proved that this series is going to be one of the most profitable ever. This is a good and bad thing: Good because I do like the studio Summit for the most part (other than that whole ram-rodding Catherine Hardwicke thing); bad because that's what the movies are. At least it will take the record of least-deserving-top-grossing franchise away from the Star Wars prequels. Oh, quick programming note: Today, tomorrow, and Wednesday will be regularly blogged...I'm out Thursday and Friday. You'll live.

Here's the results (haiku style):

1.) Twilight New Moon - $140.7 million (Accuracy of prediction - 83%)

There's no stopping this.
Well, maybe spreading rumors?
It gives you herpes!!

2.) The Blind Side - $34.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 63%)

Holy crap, Sandra!
This is a huge year for you!
Enjoy it....FOR NOW!!!!

3.) 2012 - $26.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 87%)

It's a hit for John!
Not that he's the main star here.
The main star is death.

4.) Planet 51 - $12.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 82%)

I will forget this
As soon as the week is out
What was I saying?

5.) A Christmas Carol - $12 million (Accuracy of prediction - 75%)

This is fading fast
Scrooge has no staying power.
A Viagra ad?

Overall accuracy of prediction - 78%

This was a down week
And not just thanks to Twilight
Although it does suck.

That's it for Monday, happy short week everybody!

Winter Movie Preview

This should be hitting the physical copy of The Reader in the Thanksgiving issue...which should be coming out sooner than later because there's stuffing to be eaten, people. This is just a little sneak preview of the Winter flicks that have me geeked...actually, since this is a preview of something that will be in the paper, it's a sneak preview of a sneak preview. I hate getting meta-literary on a Monday.

Baby, It’s Cold Outside
Snuggle up with the Winter Movie Preview

News anchors may believe they are the kings and queens of their local information purveyance establishment, but they are mere jesters when compared with the power wielded by weather witches and warlocks. Anchors repeat words; the weather people determine whether we can leave our homes from roughly December to March. In lieu of a pagan sacrifice, as a plea for diminished blizzard-spawning wizardry, the movies in this year’s Winter Movie Preview will be measured against the nastiest seasonal spells, er, “forecasts,” that the climate magicians have to deploy.

Up in the Air (Dec 4)

Partially filmed in Omaha (okay, very, very partially), the latest effort from uber-promising director Jason Reitman follows George Clooney (ever hear of him?) as a corporate frequent flyer who flies around firing folks. Oscar buzz has been more contagious than pork fever (or whatever that new-fangled disease is), so see it early and brag.

Excitement forecast – A 100% chance of huge, manly-man hunks of cool ice falling from the sky.

The Princess and the Frog (Dec 11)

Hand-drawn Disney movies warmly and kindly raised several generations of children. Sadly, today’s kids have been reared by the cold bastards that are computer-generated movies…until now. Introducing the first black princess (‘bout time), Tiana, the film is set in The French Quarter during the Jazz Age. If it avoids Song of the South-ing it’s way along, it may find itself admitted to the elite kids flick pantheon.

Excitement forecast – Fluffy-bunny snowflakes falling for hours. Total accumulation: 1-5 hugs.

Invictus (Limited on Dec 11)

Morgan Freeman got himself in a bit of scandal, what with the whole affair-with-his-stepdaughter thing (so icky). The only career remedy: play Nelson Mandela alongside Matt Damon in a Clint Eastwood movie. Heavy-handed social themes and massive sports cliches combined with Eatwood’s beloved touch means this films Oscars will win other little baby Oscars.

Excitement forecast – Racist fog gives way to optimistic social light.

Avatar (Dec 18)

After taking a decade-or-so to bask in his own greatness, James Cameron has returned…with sensitive blue Thundercats? With what a rumored $500 million budget, Avatar seems like little more than a computer-generated version of Dances With Wolves in space. Every indication suggests this may be the Internet-generation’s Heaven’s Gate. Then again, didn’t they say that about a little flick called Titanic?

Excitement forecast – Chance of rain, 50%. Chance of snow, 50%. Chance of sun, 50%. James Cameron makes his own math.

Nine (Dec 18)

The film is based on a novel, based on a Tony-award winning musical, based on an Italian play, based on the life of Federico Fellini. Its lineage is only slightly less crowded than its cast, including Nicole Kidman, Marion Cotillard, Penelope Cruz, Sophia Loren, Kate Hudson, Fergie, Judi Dench and Daniel Day-Lewis. If done right, it toe-taps its way to Oscar glory. If done wrong…oh, be serious, it has Daniel Day-Lewis, there is no wrong.

Excitement forecast – Rain, singable and danceable rain.

The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus (Limited on Dec 25)

Director Terry Gilliam can be bizarrely bodacious (see Brazil and 12 Monkeys) or downright dreadful (see The Brothers Grimm). His latest involves a reality-warping journey through a mirror owned by the immortal Dr. Parnassus (Christopher Plummer), a deal with the devil (Tom Waits) and a young hero played by the late Heath Ledger, who passed away midway through shooting. His role was picked up by the trio of Johnny Depp, Jude Law and Colin Farrell, which could be magically delicious or disastrously sour.

Excitement forecast – Temperatures fall below zero, down a rabbit hole into wonderland.

Sherlock Holmes (Dec 25)

Although casting Robert Downey Jr as the clever Mr. Holmes has to be as grating to Brits as casting Hugh Grant as Captain America would be to Yanks, the slam-bang, action-oriented attempt from director Guy Ritchie to franchise Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s creation has the benefit of an assist from Rachel McAdams but the drawback of resembling Will Smith’s big-screen version of Wild, Wild West.

Excitement forecast – A bit from each weather element…ary, dear Watson!

Daybreakers (Jan 8)

Twilight’s wussification of vampires is nearly complete, but this self-described blend of The Matrix and 28 Days Later attempts to breathe some bad-ass back into the bloodsuckers. Borrowing the social metaphor usually seen in zombie flicks, the film imagines a world where most of the world’s population is vampires, and few humans are left to feed on…so human blood is a metaphor for oil?

Excitement forecast – Overcast enough for the living dead to walk the earth.

Youth in Revolt (Jan 8)

In this adaptation, Michael Cera plays Nick Twisp, who is so obsessed with gettin’ a little somethin’ somethin’ that he creates an alter-ego in order to facilitate the somethin’ somethin’, but somethin’ somethin’ goes wrong. Yay for low budgets and epic supporting casts (Steve Buscemi, Ray Liotta, Zach Galifianakis)!

Excitement forecast – A bitter wind-chill means you should cuddle with someone…for warmth.

The Book of Eli (Jan 15)

Post-apocalyptic shenanigans with Denzel Washington squaring off against Gary Oldman? Yes, please. Despite closing in on 60, Washington displays an array of butt kicking in this tale of a man protecting a certain holy book in a world devoid of laws and people.

Excitement forecast – A downpour of acid rain. Mmm, nuclear winter.

The Lovely Bones (Jan 15)

Having conquered Middle Earth, director Peter Jackson found one unseen, captivating realm with a larger fan base: heaven. This adaptation of the popular novel promises to reveal Jackson’s view of the afterlife and provoke more than a few tears. Opening in New York and LA in time to nab nominations, Omahans should know before January if this perspective passes the holy mustard.

Excitement forecast – Plenty of pure, white snow.

Legion (Jan 22)

In direct opposition to our previous film, this sleeper features Paul Bettany as a fallen angel attempting to fight off the apocalypse by shooting and stabbing stuff. The juxtaposition of angelic wings and copious gunshots could spark a cult classic, but don’t look for an endorsement by church groups.

Excitement forecast – Temperatures are falling…in hell!

Werewolves jealous, claim to be as angsty as vampires

In what can only be described as an act of desperation, angst-ridden werewolves jealous of the attention received by the nancy-boys of supernatural horror, the bare-chested vampires, have clung together to demand that The Howling be remade. Together with the Benecio Del Toro film Wolfman and their cameo in the box-office destroying Twilight: New Moon, the hairy-backed honchos are eager to reclaim their once revered place as the bad boys with bite. "First that Underworld crap happened," growled Finneaus T Bone, leader of a pack of werewolves that has been largely out of work since the Twilight craze began, "now we're forced to walk around showing off our abs as eye candy in soft-core porn for tweens...it's humiliating." The National Werewolf Alliance (or NWA) had contemplated remaking other movies but settled on Howling because "People tend to like crap...and that series was crap...I mean, did you see The Howling 5...did you know there was a Howling 5 because there was."

Weekly Round-Up

Big week, folks. So many valuable life lessons passed out. Let's see what we learned this week.

• We learned that the scariest thing besides the success of Twilight is coming back for more.
• We learned that a 500 post is the perfect time to reveal a crappy sequel.
• We learned that a whole Web of Lies has been created around whether this person, this person, or this person will play the Black Cat.
• We learned that nobody still buys me anything.
• We learned that my junk is still better than anybody else's (and that Adam Froemming is super jealous...his facebook statuses tell me so).

That's more than enough for one week. See ya Monday.

Fearless, flawless box office predictions

I wonder what's going to be number one at the box office this weekend? You know, they should really just run the damn Twilight movie for two weeks and put it on DVD. EVERYONE who wants to see it is going to see it right away and then the audience is going to dry up faster than...there's just no good way to end that metaphor. Anyway, people are projecting more than $100 million this weekend, which won't happen. The midnight showings will set records, Friday will likely be a record, and then it will sharply drop as everyone who wants to see it will have seen it. I'm not looking forward to like 5 weeks of having to make poetry about Twilight, but them's the breaks. Let's get round one over with. Also, let's all agree not to call it the "Twilight Saga." It's not important enough to get a saga, it can only get a sag.

Here's how I see it (haiku style):

1.) Twilight: New Moon - $93 million

Vampire love is back
You women deserve better
It makes my eyes bleed.

2.) 2012 - $25 million

No plot. No story.
No characterization.
Better than Twilight.

3.) The Blind Side - $16 million

Oh, Sandra Bullock,
That's not a southern accent.
That's Foghorn Leghorn.

4.) A Christmas Carol - $15.5 million

What's next for Carrey?
Another Christmas movie?
Why not. No one cares.

5.) Planet 51 - $15 million

Barely heard of this
and I'm a huge movie nerd.
That doesn't bode well.

WILDCARD - Precious - $8.5 million

This is not a sprint
It's a marathon release
It will keep going.

That's it this week, gang. Have a good, restful weekend. I know I need one!

Don't lose "Lost"

This is kind of a programming note (both for the blog and for your TV) and kind of a chance for me to geek out about "Lost," the best show of my life ("Battlestar Galactica" was right up there until my best friend convinced me how bad the ending was...I disagree with him that it sullies the whole series, but "Lost" still has the chance to nail it out of the park). I usually do a post with predictions on Wednesday morning before the show that night and a recap the next day. Yes, this is a movie blog. No, I don't care. Well, I'll be doing the predictions on Tuesday and the recaps on Wednesday because starting Tuesday February 2, "Lost" is moving to Tuesdays. Ya-BOO! (That's boo-ya backwards...me and Ben, my fellow movie critic not the evil mastermind on "Lost," are trying to start the use of that word instead of boo-ya...feel free to use it). Yes, this means the show goes up against the juggernaut that is "American Idol," and yet I'm thrilled because of how much better it fits my schedule, and this is all about me. It's going to air at 8 pm CST, and I'm going to flip shit. I'm so pumped you have no idea. Starting in January, I'll get the old noodle fired up and start recapping where we're at, predicting the end game, and generally geeking out. But until then, know that the end is coming and enjoy this picture of Evangeline Lilly (who is also on "my list"...speaking of which, it's not an endless list as some have suggested; it consists of Lilly, Rachel McAdams, Kate Winslet, Natalie Portman, and Scarlett Johanssson...so there). And now, pure beauty:

Happy Friday.

Steroid-enhanced worst movie idea ever

Variety is reporting that the American Gladiator movie I thought for sure would be dead by now is not dead. In fact, it's moving forward...as in it has a script. Words. On a page. About American Gladiators. Presumably with some kind of "plot" and "characters." There's no way to win in this scenario. You can't really do a tongue-in-cheek spoofy satire, on account of the TV show already being some kind of bizarre meta-commentary on our eventual decline as a society to Running Man like status. You can't do it bad ass and serious, because you have characters named things like Wolf, Thunder, and Horny Taco (guess which one of those I made up). The movie will supposedly be set "in the world created within the show," which makes no sense at all. I didn't know that there was a "world created within the show." In that world, is everybody the offspring of an attractive human and a horse? Has that world run out of cotton and thus everyone is forced to wear spandex? Is everybody named by a 6-year old? I think that the film is going to have the same effect on America as it did to this young lady auditioning for a spot on the show.

American Gladiators- Girl Passes out at Audition - watch more funny videos

Sorry, that's my reaction to having to talk about Twilight for the next few weeks. "Robert Pattenson is gonna...I'm gonna run around and..." Thud.

Steven and Stephan UNITE!

Setting aside what can only be assumed to be decades of brutal discussion about the proper phonetics behind their first names, Variety is reporting that Steven Spielberg and Stephen King have realized they must do what's best for the universe...and make a shitty miniseries that sounds like a mash-up between The Simpsons movie and "The Shining." I wasn't terribly interested in reading "Under the Dome," King's latest which involves a giant invisible force field deployed around a town, but now that Spielberg is on board to produce a miniseries for HBO...I'll probably just watch that instead of reading the book. It's an easy way to get hours of my life back...hours I will likely spend watching or doing something else terrible (eg, Day After Tomorrow on FX showing again). Apparently, there's an inevitable warring between two factions of town folk in the book, which is the only interesting thing to me...not because we haven't seen it before but because I like to fantasize about who of the people I know would flock to the opposite side, thus giving me a chance to skewer them on a pitchfork in postapocalyptic survival warfare. What? You guys don't think about that stuff? Well, you should. I mean, really, YOU should. Pitchfork's a'comin'.

Web of Lies: Hatha-why not?

Okay, this Black Cat thing is officially batshit insane. I'm turning the dial from excitable nutso to Mel Gibson, as Nikki Finke is now saying that in addition to:

Rachel McAdams

Romola Garai

and

Julia Stiles
we can now add

Anne Hathaway
to the mix.

Hathaway is the only Oscar nominee of the bunch, so she gets points for that. She does lose points for not being Rachel McAdams, which are the same points that Julia Stiles and Romola Garai lost. Who will win this race? Will I continue to be able to post different smokin' hot pictures of smokin' hot actresses? Is there even going to be a Spider-man 4 or is it just going to be a casting couch where Sam Raimi gets to leer at the hottest women in the world? Who can say. All I know is that my friend Steve King from CD105.9 informed me that Kirsten Dunst said this about her cross-country road trip: "After we were done, I was like, 'Wow, America is so poor. Just the towns you come across . . . all that's there are restaurants and gas stations." And there's the quote from the one person we KNOW is in the movie. Again, you have your pick of the women above, or this:

Do the right thing, Peter Parker.

Ryan's Junk Drawer

Hello, children (and by children I don't mean actual children, I mean friends who I lovingly call children because it's funny...because I'm pretty sure that if this blog was read to children they would end up insanely poorly adjusted, dressed like a combination of Lady Gaga and an NFL linebacker, and talking incessently about Rachel McAdams...also, this may be a record length for one of my weird asides). Again, the Junk Drawer is my weekly place for the movie rumors and blurbs that aren't big enough to warrant a whole post, and it is symbolized by this picture above from Highlights Magazine that I think looks like what the inside of John Wayne Gacy's kitchen drawer looked like. In fact, let's take our weekly moment to speculate about what's in the creepy dude's drawer in the image above this week: Oooh, I think the folded up piece of paper in the upper left hand corner is a note from his psychiatrist that was intended to be sent to the authorities. It reads, "Can't be cured, must be killed." Now it's just a fun memory for his special drawer. Now, let's move on to our weekly stories that are big enough to be interesting but small enough to fit in here.

1.) Oscars get immediately to annual documentary disaster - As annual a tradition as the Chicago Cubs getting together to watch someone else win the World Series, the Academy behind the Oscars makes it a point to shit all over a bunch of deserving documentaries once every year. Oh, it's not on purpose or anything, it's just that in order to actually pick the best documentaries, they'd have to watch, like, a ton of documentaries and how can anyone be expected to watch those durn things when there's a new Twilight movie a'comin'? The most notable omissions on this year's Oscar short list of the keen final fifteen include two rock docs (It Might Get Loud and Anvil! The Story of Anvil) and a certain fat guy's project (Capitalism: A Love Story). Better luck next time superior filmmakers! Here's who made the cut:

• The Beaches of Agnes
• Burma VJ
• The Cove
• Every Little Step
• Facing Ali
• Food, Inc.
• Garbage Dreams
• Living in Emergency: Stories of Doctors Without Borders
• The Most Dangerous Man in America: Daniel Ellsberg and The Pentagon Papers
• Mugabe and the White African
• Sergio
• Soundtrack for a Revolution
• Under Our Skin
• Valentino The Last Emperor
• Which Way Home

2.) Oh noes, that's 46 ronin too many! - According to slashfilm.com, commercial director Carl Rinsch (that means he directs commercials, not that he is particularly interested in profit) is in final talks to helm the Keanu Reeves epic period samurai film 47 Ronin. That's right, the KEANU REEVES SAMURAI movie. Look, I know he's half Asian, but he's also ALL bad when it comes to acting. Unless he's planning on playing the Slappy, the confused 47th ronin who says "whoa," I'm guessing this is a terrible idea, no matter who is at the helm. I mean, think about this: This is a remake of a Japanese film about a legend regarding 47 masterless samurai...and it will star this guy (WARNING: This is hilarious but does feature coffee-barf...avert your eyes if you wish)

Last chance

Boo-yah! Ladies and gentlemen, your master of Asian honor and tradition.

2.) Khan to have better eyelashes? - ComingSoon has an interesting rumor regarding the new Star Trek sequel. We all lust for Khan, right? I mean, I know that lots of people believe in the sacred nature of Star Trek II, but those people also get married while dressed as Starfleet Academy members. So it makes sense that the most legendary Trek bad guy would be in the sequel...and if he is, he may be Richard Alpert from "Lost." Okay, technically the guy's name is Nestor Carbonell but to a legion of Losties he is better known as Richard, the creepy ageless guy with great eyelashes. You think I'm kidding but the dude has to CONSTANTLY answer questions about whether or not he wears mascara. The guy looks the part (not here as seen in his "Tick" TV series costume...he played Die Flatermouse)

The question is, why do you want to do a literal reinterpretation of Khan? Personally, I think they'd be best served either really thinking outside of the box (I saw one site suggest playing Khan as a woman) or going entirely elsewhere. The reason Star Trek was such a good reboot was that it wasn't just a shot-for-shot remake. It wasn't events we all knew, it was something entirely different using characters we were familiar with. Tread lightly, JJ Abrams and company. And best of luck, Nestor. You'd be a fine, sassy-eyed Khan.

4.) Nine's fine - The trailer for Nine is more of the same to me. I will see this movie because (A) I am bizarrely attracted to Ms. Cotillard and not-so-bizarrely attracted to Ms. Cruz, (B) it's an intriguing concept at least from the character involved, and (C) Daniel. Day. Lewis. Dude gets my money every time, period. I will watch him in an hour-long PSA to prevent sexting if he films one. Here's the second trailer, and it's not quite as cool as the first one, but still has lots of ladies and Daniel Day "Motherhumping" Lewis, so it wins.

5.) Like a Bridges to a long-sought Oscar - People are calling Crazy Heart 2009's The Wrestler, but unless Jeff Bridges had some disfiguring plastic surgery, went on a series of public benders, and spouted off a bunch of gay slurs, I don't think he really works redemption wise like Mickey Rourke. Hell, Bridges has been working non-stop, he's not really a guy in need of a career resurrection. That said, the film looks classy if a bit tear-jerkery, and my money is on Bridges getting himself a nomination if not a win. I can't think of a male performance that's really dominating on everyone's horizon right now, so he has as good a chance as anyone. Nice work, Lebowski.

Things You Should Buy Me (Volume 10)

Here we go again. I beg and beg for this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, and this, and I get this:

That won't keep me from relentlessly seeking free things, but it is a bit depressing.

Here's the things I won't be getting (but sure would like to) this week:

1.) Utini motherf**ker - I can't tell you how excited I am by this one. See, having spent the better part of Saturday fighting the unbridled force of nature that is fallen leaves, I have grown fond of my backyard. We have a bushy-tailed squirrel in the backyard, whom we've named Tom Selleck, and I wish to make it a more inviting and pleasant place to be. I'm not a fan of garden gnomes, but this would do just fine.

Yep, that's a garden Jawa. Available at StarWarsShop, this little guy would be the perfect addition to my now temporarily leaf-free backyard. Look, the little guy wants to help out, too.

2.) Velma lives - Not surprising that, in a zombie apocalypse, the only one left is Velma, and she's lookin' hot. Threadless has made a T-shirt out of this bitchin' poster, and you cannot deny how much you would like to own it. If they made a Scooby-Doo movie or cartoon in which it went all realistic and he was trying to survive cannibalistic corpses, I would be the happiest man alive. I'm sick.

3.) I'm behind the times - So everybody wants this new Left 4 Dead 2 game. I haven't played Left 4 Dead. So, buy me that. It's cheaper.

I kill zombies and such in it, and sometimes I need that stress relief. Again, it's cheap and so am I.

In Defense of (attacking) Twilight

Danielle Maestretti from the Utne Reader has a rather provocative blog post up (not that kind of provocative, get your mind out of the gutter I likely put it in with my last post), titled "Critics Pick on Twilight Fans Because They're Girls." Yowza. Reading past the inflammatory title gets you a little insight into her position, which isn't a defense of the movies-turned-books so much as it is a report of an observation by Sady Doyle from the American Prospect that when describing the "Twi-Hards," most critics (an overwhelming sausage fest if there ever was one) take to maligning the "screeching" girlies, deploying massive stereotypes of teen girls as empty-headed and prone to squealing. Her point is that male stupid-movies like Die Hard don't get the same treatment, they usually receive (as she says) shrugs and not derision. Well, as a certain afro-haired actor once quipped, "Allow me to retort."

Do I agree that the by-and-large totally male-dominated critic landscape has teed off on Twilight? Hell yes! It's a pinata and we're passing out bats. Am I at all concerned that a franchise geared towards women is receiving this kind of bashing? Hell yes! That's why for the first film, I recruited a female to review it (she found it to be rather blah). Do I think that we should stop bashing the Twi-Hards, that we should downshift our derision from blatant to shruggery, and that we should rethink our choice of words? Maybe for some losers I haven't read, but for the most part...hell no.

As I see it there are three parts to this: (1) - The attack on the fans; (2) - The attack on the movies/books themselves; and (3) - The overall implications.

1.) As far as the fans go, there aren't a lot of polite, respectful ways to describe people who maul one another for a poster of Robert Pattenson. There aren't a lot of adjectives that don't sound particularly demeaning that can be used to describe the maniacal nature of a lot of these young ladies. They're freaks. They're idiots. By no means are all of them this way. I happen to know several intelligent young ladies who enjoy the series quite a bit. None of them have drawn blood to touch a poster of Pattenson. When deriding the fans, we critics are attacking the extremists. And they're batshit crazy. Period. I will mock the crazy cat lady who only leaves her home to watch soft-core teenage vampire porn. I will mock the lunatic 13-year-old who tears her own hair out because she wants to legally change her name to Bella. I will do it because it is lunacy of the highest degree. If we aren't able to target the fringe elements of society who lose their shit over things like this, we do them a disservice as well as ourselves: it's not okay to behave this way.

2.) The books are shit. The movies (I assume) are also shit. That's my opinion. It's what I'm paid to provide. In particular, this crap offends me because I happen to consider myself a man sympathetic to the feminist cause...and when I see books and movies that glorify males (vampires, werewolves...whatever, anything with a dong) as saviors, as the be-all-end-all of a woman's life, it pisses me off. Just like I loathe "Sex and the City" for its make-believe empowerment (um, the main character is a toy that her love interest plays with for fun), I loathe that the biggest female pop culture phenomenon in the last decade surrounds worshiping dudes. Hell, I saw a trailer for the film (which I assume at least borrowed elements from the book) in which Bella (ugh, even the name is insulting) acknowledges that the only way she can "be" with her vampire boy toy is BY KILLING HERSELF! For this and this alone I kind of want to back over Stephanie Meyers with a Humvee. Then you hire a talented female director, Catherine Hardwicke, to helm the first movie, give her a shit budget and a terrible script, and then FIRE HER when it becomes a smash hit. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? It's just like "Sex and the City" to me. If you are smart enough to see it for what it is, I don't give a crap if you like it. I just loathe it because 70% or more of people who watch it are fooled into believing that it's empowering for them. This series is a feminist train wreck. Period.

3.) The very implication from Maestretti and Doyle that we dudes won't savage dude-movies because dudes like them is insane. Roger Ebert called people who liked Transformers 2 unevolved. I pretty much routinely tee off on fans of Paul Blart (mostly dudes), satirically celebrate The Expendables, and categorically deride any project that deserves it. I am an equal opportunity basher, and I can, will, and have tee off on dipshits of all gender who like crap. It's what I live for. Maestretti and Doyle, whose position I actually respect in principle, should do better to take on the gender inequity in movie reviewing and blogging, should take to demanding better entertainment for women, and should question why, WHY there aren't more women involved in the movie industry. It could be a damn daily column it makes so little sense. Me, I hold out hope for things like Sweet Valley High. Yeah, you read that right. A series of books for girls that is being adapted by Diablo Cody, who regardless of her dialogue "gets it" when it comes to young girls. Howsabout we stand behind her, find some talented people willing to back some promising projects, and at the same time accept that tearing down most full-on Twi-Hards and the insipid series itself is A-Ok and may even be done BECAUSE we believe in doing what's right by girls.

Thus concludes my rant.

Web of Lies: So...Spider-Man 4 rumors are a daily thing now

What happens when something gets so routine that I seem to be doing it every single day? I give it a whimsical column name. In this case: Web of Lies. Seeing as how everyone is tripping over themselves to see that my dream of Rachel McAdams as the Black Cat is appropriately shat upon, I figured I would name this column after the heartbreak I feel. Only one thing can comfort me.

Okay, all better. Today's Black Cat rumor is from UGO, who report that Julia Stiles has been taking meetings about possible involvement in Spider-Man 4, presumably in the role that McAdams had stolen from her by miscreants and ne'erdowells. Go figure, Stiles is also a pretty girl (as opposed to the wretched dogbeasts that are most actresses in Hollywood) and she has also done fine in a few films (The Bourne Identity series wasn't exactly demanding on her artistically). I'm just not sure if I'm sold on it.

Sure, really attractive...but when you can have a Lamborghini you don't drive the Rav-4. There's still time to do the right thing, Sam Raimi. Turn this web of lies into a paradise of hope! Pretty please.

Spidey-sense tingling! (Get used to this)

I'm going to be wrapped around Spider-man 4 news tighter than a high-school girl's Twilight book cover wraps around her History textbook. If you don't like that, there are plenty of blogs out there that deal with important social issues (like the one called "This Is Why You're Fat"). With the fourth film ramping up production, I'm going to be freaking out on a near daily basis over some rumor or another, only to find out that they're all malarkey. Buckle-up Spider-fans (or mild Spider-enthusiasts), it's going to be a bumpy ride (and by bumpy ride, I mean volumes of idle speculation and lurid photos). Speaking of which

That long-legged lovely above (who is showing that she has the physical prowess to be the Black Cat in Spider-man 4) has now officially claimed she is not the Black Cat in Spider-man 4. McAdams tells Entertainment Weekly that it's a bunch of hokey, but we've heard this song and dance many, many, many times before. Like when Bradley Cooper said he hadn't heard about The A-Team or The Green Lantern, both of which he was considered for. I'm not going to say that I totally dismiss what that lovely, lovely lady says...but we'll have to wait and see. The second bit of news is far more concerning...SpoilerTV has reportedly snagged a call sheet that is asking for twin toddler boys with red hair...leading everyone to believe that there's a chance Spidey knocked up MJ and have a little spider-baby. Well, let me be the first to say calm down. If I were guessing, I would say that this is for a dream sequence of some kind. That or they've finally made a good choice and married MJ off to someone else. I doubt that second one, but the first one makes the most sense to me. There's no way, NO WAY that they are dumb enough to Superman Returns this thing after the turd that was Spider-Man 3. They have too much to prove. Plus, with the role of the Black Cat (whomever may play her) almost totally for sure, the thought of introducing a love interest for a guy who just had a kid is too much for a superhero movie...at least I hope so. Oh, and then there's this problem. You can't expect us to believe that Peter Parker would knock up this:

when he could get with this

Suspension of disbelief my butt.

Movie Review: 2012

It was not a banner week for movie critics here at the ole Reader. Whilst I was being hoisted by my own petard through Pirate Radio, Ben was bending over for 2012...which I'm totally going to see anyway. I know it's maniacally stupid, but last night I paused AGAIN during The Day After Tomorrow on FX (this time to see how the fire that my wife and I had going in our fireplace stacked up against the fire that kept a room full of people alive in a giant library when temperatures dropped to negative blurgillion degrees). So, I'm fully prepared for the junk kick that will come, but 2012 and I have a date with misery. Here's Ben's take.

Oh Maya God!
2012 details the end of the Mayan calendar...and the world
Ben Coffman

Roland Emmerich (10,000 BC; The Day After Tomorrow), the director of 2012, is to natural disasters what Michael Bay is to explosions or Megan Fox—fond of them to the point of fetishism. While some directors cast young starlets because they find them attractive, the adored actor in 2012 is Emmerich’s earthquake cracks, which are both sneaky like Gremlins and destructive like Godzilla.

Before stuff starts disintegrating, however, 2012 audaciously takes half an hour to introduce us to its characters. First, we meet Adrian Helmsley (Chiwetel Ejiofor), a geologist who has discovered that solar flares (or solar climaxes as one character, without giggling, calls them) have caused the Earth’s core to melt like a suppository, giving the Earth a bad case of fiery diarrhea.

Next we meet Jackson Curtis (John Cusack), a failed writer and father so irresponsible that he overslept instead of picking up his kids for summer vacation. After driving to Yellowstone, Curtis and company meet Charlie Frost (Woody Harrelson), a wild-eyed conspiracy theorist who distrusts the government as much as he loves pickles (this detail is an example of what passes for characterization in 2012). Harrelson, with all of his freaky overacting, seems to be the only one who realizes that his director cares more about CGI cracks than actors. Likewise, his character is the only one who realizes (other than the aforementioned Helmsley) that something bad is happening with the Earth.

After Curtis and his kids return to Los Angeles, the world falls apart, resulting in a “let’s escape the earthquake” chase scene in a limousine. As they wend their way through the crumbling streets of Los Angeles, which is being shuffled like a deck of cards, their limo is showered with raw sewage, providing one of the movie’s grossest images—and strongest metaphors.

The latter half of the movie, a fight for survival against an increasingly awful world, is like the latter half of a demolition derby: everything is damaged, smoking and slow. A few scenes at the end of the movie feature crying and strings, but ultimately, and I mean this in the nicest possible way—nobody cares. Watching millions of people die in fiery natural disasters is a bit numbing.

2012 does some things right: it is full of sweeping, grandiose overhead shots and great disaster CGI. It is The Poseidon Adventure on a worldwide scale, with better effects. It is a summer blockbuster in November, the 96-ounce truck-stop steak of movies. However, it’s over two and a half hours and requires a rare type of visual gluttony.

Ultimately, 2012 is meant to be a romp. It is, without exception, wholly devoid of pathos, or even good characters. With the amount of attention, time and money ($200 million) thrown at a film like this, our society probably could've cured some moderately malignant disease like the swine flu. Or bought winter coats for homeless people. Or paid down the national deficit for future generations. Instead we have the opportunity to face our end-of-days fears together. And watch every building in the entire world collapse.

Grade: D+

Movie Review: Pirate Radio

Hey, hey, hey. I usually remember to kick out a movie review for you on Monday...but I forgotted it yesterday. Lo siento. Perhaps I forgot because the movie was so durn forgettable. My good friend and CD105.9 DJ Steve King liked the movie, I can only assume because it had amazing rock music...but when a movie's biggest laugh is a "pooped the bed" story and the ongoing gag is a sidekick with a dirty name, the movie kind of sucks. Here's what I thought:

Bon Montage
Pirate Radio sets sail on a love bloat

You know what’s fun about watching people listen to the radio? Nothing. No wonder then that writer/director Richard Curtis’s Pirate Radio sinks before it leaves port. This attempted love letter to 60’s-era rock reads more like a demented ransom note composed by half-wits and Ritalin junkies. The opening sequence, indistinguishable in every way from a trailer for the movie, initiates what could be the first 135-minute montage in cinematic history. Effervescent but stupid, it’s as if you’ve walked into a party with bitchin’ music where everyone is pretending to have a good time but really just wants to go home.

Originally titled The Boat That Rocked overseas, the film retells the lapse in judgment of our jolly British friends, as their stiff-upper-lipped radio stations refused to play more than a half hour of rock & roll each day during 60’s, which, you know, just so happened to be the prime days of The Beatles and The Rolling Stones. This gave rise to rock broadcasts from various boats anchored in the North Sea, broadcasts tuned in by more than half of the British population. Compelling? Well, it could have been, had Curtis not decided to populate his fictional vessel with escapees from a mental institution.

Philip Seymour Hoffman leads a potent and criminally underused cast as The Count, who is basically Wolfman Jack without the howl and any definable personality. He is joined on air by various whackjobs, including Dave (Nick Frost), a near sex addict; Simon (Chris O’Dowd), a lovelorn awkward turtle; Angus (Rhys Darby), an ambiguously sexual weirdo; Gavin (Rhys Ifans), a narcissist who dresses like a pimp and Bob (Ralph Brown), a burned-out hippie. Their station, Radio Rock, is run by Quentin (Bill Nighy), whose godson, Carl (Tom Sturridge), is brought aboard for reasons that would ruin the third act. These characters stand exactly as revealed in the brief descriptors above as they do after more than two hours.

What counts as conflict boils down to Sir Alistair Dormandy, played by the delightfully hammy Kenneth Branagh, attempting to shut down the station with the help of his sidekick Twatt (Jack Davenport)—whose unfortunate moniker is a joke exploited no less than a dozen times. Branagh’s mustachioed Domandy plays like a British Hitler (a Britler?), and he receives the lion’s share of the laughter not derived from jokes about sex or poop.

Curtis, who flawlessly nailed the ensemble comedy with both Love Actually and Notting Hill, is at war with himself; he simultaneously desires to show how revolutionary this programming was (with near-constant reaction shots of British commonfolk listening along) while delivering broad-based laughs. Throw in some truly bizarre subplots involving confused paternity and sex partner-swapping and you get an overlong hot mess that is never boring but never outright compelling.

It’s easy to see how this film sounded like a really good idea at the time, but so does Taco Bell at 2:30 in the morning, and just like that late-night “run for the border,” Pirate Radio leaves you feeling overstuffed and full of regret.

Grade – C-

Weekend Box Office Results: Earth and box office destroyed

Wow. I knew that people loved disaster effects, but I had NO IDEA they loved them this much. I think that 2012's success is also a sign that there hadn't been anything to energize the box office in quite awhile. Oh, sure, there was Paranormal Activity, but horror is a niche genre. I'm just saying, at some point studios are going to at least try dropping a big movie in, say, the middle of October. Mark my words. Anyway, you didn't come here for idle conjecture, you came here for Haikus. Let's do it.

Here are the results:

1.) 2012 - $65 million (Accuracy of prediction - 92%)

Sure, it won this week
how will it fare with Twilight.
Now THAT'S disaster.

2.) A Christmas Carol - $22 million (Accuracy of prediction - 88%)

I still don't get it.
This film has zero appeal.
But it's here to stay.

3.) The Men Who Stare at Goats - $6.2 million (Accuracy of prediction - 83%)

This will now fade fast.
We'll barely remember it.
Clooney's minor work.

4.) Precious - $6 million (Accuracy of prediction - 90%)

This is quite shocking.
The buzz here is enormous.
I smell an Oscar.

5.) This is It! -$5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 55%)

I can't believe it!
The day is finally here!
This IS it! Hooray!

Overall accuracy of prediction - 81.6%

I don't know what's good
as far as accuracy.
Am I good at this?

That's it, gang. Happy Monday.

500th Post EXTRAVAGANZA! - This one's for my wife

It's been a long road to 500 posts, folks. Since this whole fiasco began, I've cultivated a ridiculous personality that is a bizarre combination of arrogance (as is seen in the Ryan's Junk Drawer and Things You Should Buy Me weekly columns) and self-deprecation (as is seen in just about every post). I've mocked everyone from tweens (Miley Cyrus) to senior citizens (I know there's an Abe Vigoda blast somewhere). I've revealed far, far too much about my personal life. I've done it all for you, fair readers. I sincerely hope you've had fun, and I hope that you come back often and tell all of your friends. As you see, we have no advertising here. That's 500 posts without a single ad. Not too shabby. That will likely end as soon as The Reader figures out that the Internet is here to stay or until I figure out how to sell ads myself (I'm not particularly bright with the interwebs). The point is, this hasn't been about money, and it never will be. I love the shit out of writing about movies, and I hope you enjoy reading about it.

Thus, this can't just be a celebration of me, it should be about movies. And so I saved a movie nugget that will be the best news my wife ever heard (including my marriage proposal). Are you ready, honey?

George Strait is making a sequel to Pure Country.

Now that may not mean a lot to you normal people, but to my wife, who admits that the first movie was total dogshit but loves it so much anyway because of her unhealthy obsession with Strait that she has the whole movie memorized (seriously, word for word), this is the best thing ever. The film is called A Pure Country Gift (seriously) and it will feature Strait alongside Dean Cain (seriously) and will tell the story of three angels who give the perfect country singing voice to a young girl (seriously). If that sounds terrible to you, know that it sounds terrible to my wife, too...and that she'll see it in the theater and buy the soundtrack. It has a lot to live up to, check out the trailer for the original Pure Country.



I mean, how can they possibly live up to that? So there it is, my 500th post. Full of nostalgia and George Strait. Who'd have thought we'd make it this far?

The scariest movie of all time returns

If you think that there's a movie scarier than The Exorcist, you are wrong. Period. I don't care what you say. That movie was birthed from the soul of Satan himself. It was belched onto paper by demons with the ink of hellfire. The cast were reanimated corpses. You can keep your Saw and your Paranormal Activity and whatever the hell else you think is creepy or scary. There is The Exorcist and then there's everything else. In fact, I have to put something funny here just to cleanse my palate before going on:



Man, "SNL" used to be funny. Anyhoodle, the original writer/director combo from the film, William Peter Blatty and William Friedkin are....OH SWEET JESUS. They're rejoining to remake the film. I found this out via Slashfilm via Cemetery Dance via Bloody Disgusting. I can only hope that some part of this message went terribly wrong in this game of movie rumor telephone, but I don't think it did. Supposedly, the two are thinking of doing this as a cable miniseries, which is even more disturbing because it would be in my home. Here's the thing, when it comes to The Exorcist, I want to be able to control how many portals it has into my life. If it's on my television and I accidentally come across it one day, I will poop my bed and pull out my eyes. I don't want eye-pulling poops to happen, so I'm hoping this all stays as a rumor and that the devil is satisfied with the first film.

Hobbit dwarves to chug syrup?

Friday brought with it the delightful news that Supertroopers 2 is progressing right meow (wow, that joke does not work as well on paper) and that Brian Cox is confirmed to return. Well, the actor may be a LITTLE busy between now and then (see that emphasis on "little," that's called foreshadowing, bitches). Turns out that a spy for Aint It Cool (why don't I have any spies...there's something good to get me for Christmas! My own industry insider) has it on good authority that Cox is in consideration for the role of one of the dwarfs in The Hobbit. Given the fact that John Rhys Davies is not likely to re-dwarf it up in a different role, I couldn't think of a scruffier Scotsman to shrink down to fightin' size. It's sort of like playing live-action Shrinky Dinks, only with the villain from the second X-Men movie. We should be getting dangerously close to the announcements of casting, giving the fast-approaching early 2010 start date for the film. I don't know if we'll really learn a lot from discovering who's gettin' Middle Earth on our asses, as when the first films were announced nobody went "Sweet Lord! I can't believe we got Sean Astin! He's gonna rule!" Part of what makes the movies great is that the actors didn't distract from the characters; hell, we STILL primarily think of those actors in those roles (except Viggo Mortensen, who I'll always think of as the dude who showed little Viggo in Eastern Promises). If Cox is officially announced soon, it will be a sign that they are still committed to finding the right people, not the biggest-named actors.

Weekly Round-Up

What did we learn this week?

• We learned that I hate Cameron Diaz almost as much as I love Black Swan and Rachel McAdams.
• We learned that vampires won't quit.
• We learned that you still, STILL won't buy me stuff.
• We learned that my junk drawer always runneth over.
  

That's a lot of education this week. Enjoy the weekend.

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

You jerks have voted in small quantities on the Twilight issue and have resoundingly voiced an opinion for me to review the films. Thus, I will do just that. I can't promise an exact time frame (I'm thinking sometime in 2060), but it will happen. Okay, it won't be decades, it will likely be sometime in December (sorry, but I do have to actually review movies I get paid for reviewing before causing myself harm for your amusement). I will likely organize a gathering of people who like the film and loathe the film to give myself the appropriate audience. I cannot promise fairness.

Anyway, I'm reminded of this impending disaster because this week brings us 2012, the mother of all KABOOM movies. Roger Ebert gave the damn thing 3 and a half stars because it was a perfect version of what it promised to be, so I look forward to taking my wife (who has an odd lust for disaster films) to go see the world end. How much money will the durn thing do? Let's see.

Here's how I see it (haiku style):

1.) 2012 - $55 million

The Mayans were smart.
This movie likely is not.
I hope both are wrong.

2.) A Christmas Carol - $17 million

This isn't a flop,
nor can it be called a hit.
I guess it's a flit.

3.) This Is It - $7.5 million

They just keep lying.
They promised a two week run.
WHEN WILL IT BE GONE?!?!?!

4.) The Men Who Stare At Goats - $7 million

A strong first weekend
for an odd little movie
that we'll all forget.

5.) The Fourth Kind - $6.5 million

The time is now, gang.
Demand MORE Fifth Element!
We can do this, folks.

WILDCARD - Precious - $6 million

I can't make jokes here.
This film is too serious.
I hope it does well.

That's it, folks, have a good weekend!

Rambo - Monster = Blah

So awhile back, Sly Stallone semi-announced that in his next excursion from the old folks home, Rambo would be hunting a manbearpig, or at least some kind of wild creature genetically modified by the government. Turns out, that was a pretty shitty idea. So the big man contacted the folks at StalloneZone, which sounds like a theme night at a gay disco, to let everyone know that he scrapped the idea in favor of a "classic" feeling Rambo adventure, noting "Rambo himself will be heading over the border to a violent city where many young women have vanished." Yay! More generic geriatric adventures! He did cryptically note that the manbearpig will be hunted by "other characters" in a different movie. I'm hoping he means Oscar, a character which has fallen into obscurity for far too long.

Probably not. Still, instead of getting Rambo to hunt an animal or whoever is killing the village girls, howsabout he hunts the most dangerous game of all:

Raise your hand if you think Chris Rock spends his weekends fishing.